Title: The Shooting Star
Author: eternalflower
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/eternalflower
Reviewer: Lil<3Key @ i-DEAS
http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 3/5
Your title is okay, It’s not something that would stand out to me personally but it does on some level relate to your story. However, you say the lead of your story wished upon a shooting star but it didn’t really mention it during your story so the title could be classed as a bit misleading but sometimes that can be a good thing.
First Impression: 8/10
The poster was nice, although it was a bit difficult for me to read the title. The background was okay as well but it looks a bit plain in my opinion. The good thing about the presentation of this fanfic is you set the writing to white so it wasn’t hard to read on the darkish background.
Forewords: 6/10
You explained a bit about the story in general but didn’t really go into depth about the characters in it. The prologue was okay but I did begin to lose interest half way through reading it.
Plot: 8/15
The plot wasn’t really anything new to me. The situation of the two leads liking each other but stuck in a friendship relationship has been used many times before but you character’s did have their own personalities, personalities that were completely different to one another so that give the plot a certain edge to it. I also liked how things kept getting in the way of them confessing, mostly the broken phone.
Creativity/Originality: 9/15
Again, your characters are what did it for me. In most Jaejoong stories I have read, Jaejoong is often portrayed as the bad playboy type but in your fanfic he was something different which I found refreshing.
Flow: 7/10
Through out your story, the pace was fine. It was too slow and it was just right. However in later chapters you did begin to skip over certain amounts of time, For example Chapter chapter 9 had two time skips. The first time skip was 2 weeks after the confrontation and then 3 weeks leading up to graduation. I know you don’t want to spend too much time with every little detail because it would be quite boring after a while but don’t continually skip over time because things like that sometimes put readers off.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
There were a few mistakes through out the chapters of your story and I found that you sometimes got the words ‘in’ and ‘on’ mixed up with one another. However you did mention that English was not your first language in the Forewords and although there were spelling, grammar and vocabulary mistakes, I was still able to read and understand everything you were trying to get across to the readers of your story so I gave you a 6.
Characterisation: 8/10
I like how you made the main characters in your story the complete opposite of one another but somehow you made me feel like they just seem to fit together. I also noticed you mention how they are both completely different in chapter 9 and I could see that as the story progressed.
Writing Style: 7/10
Most of the time you stuck to writing it 1st person which is a writing style I find easier to read, However, some chapters you did change it to 3rd person and you changed to different points of view. I have no problem with that mostly but I did have a problem with how you swapped the POV once again without telling me. I just had to figure it out for myself who’s point of view you were writing in, which is why I deducted some points. Also in some chapters I picked up on sentences in brackets which I think you could have added into the normal text. When reading a fanfic, brackets usually put me off or distract me from the sentence I was initially reading.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I really liked this fanfic because of the unique characters portrayed in it and with a bit more spell checking you’re likely to improve. Good work! XD
Sub Total: 65/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 69/100
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Trust The Little Bird/Trust by ava_lava
Title: Trust The Little Bird/Trust
Author: ava_lava
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/ava_lava2/
Reviewer: LaurenLCD @ i-DEAS
http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 4.5/5
The title (Trust The Little Bird) isn't cliche. It has relevance to your story without giving the plot away like so many stories on winglin and else where. However, the poster is written as simply "Trust" and may be seen as too ambiguous or too plain to catch an audience' attention.
First Impression: 10/10
The poster is nicely done and isn't too flashy. The background combined with the font color is easy to read. As far as your writing goes, I can tell that you worked hard and maybe even edited and proof read (though some mistakes slipped through the cracks).
Forewords: 7.5/10
You gave all the required information without bogging down the reader with unnecessary comments and even gave a glimpse of your writing style with a preview. However, I felt you should have gave some background information on the characters.
Plot: 15/15
It was rather unique, especially since it was based on a true story. While star struck student meets teacher plots aren't new, this is refreshing, particularly since the teacher is married to someone that the student can't find within themselves to hate.
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
It's based on real events, so in a way it wasn't truly original, but it was definitely creative of you to fill in the blanks with little things such as the hermit crab story, the analogy of the small birds versus the big birds, etc.
Flow: 10/10
Nothing felt rushed, and nothing felt like filler to merely give a reason to say 'hai gaiz! nu update! kekeke.' Each chapter felt like it had a reason to be there and maintained a steady pace.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
You clearly have a broad vocabulary. I could tell you knew the meaning of what you were writing and wasn't just raping the thesaurus for words that you thought would seem "smart." However, there are some mistakes that were a bit careless and could have been corrected with better proof reading and editing.
Spotting the “RECEPTIONIST” sign on the other side of the chamber, I pulled my luggage along the marble floor and smiled politely at the receptionist lady.
The elevator door opened with a DING and I walked through it, eyes surveying the scene to find Room 307.
I wasn’t legible for ANYTHING until I was eighteen, apparently.
*Note: 'legible' should be eligible. There are more typos (either in spelling or context) throughout (though this is few and far between).
He was on the jury of ALL of the major piano competitions, and conducts almost EVERY single orchestra as a guest every year.
When I realized that I was the ONLY one clapping, however, my face flushed and I heard Professor Jung chuckle lightly.
*Note: It is incorrect grammar to write in all caps at any time.
1. Find out where the practice rooms are. Need I say more?
2. Start looking for a job. I only have fifty dollars at the moment.
3. Become acquainted with the school. I must be able to know the place inside-out.
4. Find out where the cafeteria is. I will be able to get my food free if I bring my student card along..
*Note: Write out the actual words one, two, three etc.
I sat in front of the piano and quickly decided on my most recent encore piece (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwc-nmyPm4I). Like Changmin, I was a fast player, but I also had technique and a large tone.
*Note: This last sentence is just one of many examples: Never insert links, Author's Notes, etc. in the middle of writing. Either separate the links as another paragraph with •OST: URL• or put them only as an author's note before the chapter begins. Author's notes should be reserved for only the end or before the beginning of a chapter. When inserted during the writing, this makes the writing appear choppy, and is distracting. Better yet, try to actually put into words the sounds of the music by using adjectives, metaphors, similes etc. If you choose not to insert links, then give the name of the song as you give description.
Characterization: 9/10
Since this was all written in first person, I didn't expect a lot of development beyond Jaejoong since we saw everything through his point of view. However, there was depth and dimension with Yunho and I could actually picture him in my mind's eye. There could have been more development between YooSu, Changmin, etc. It felt like the minor characters were only glanced through.
Writing Style: 8/10
You could have used more description of nouns and set atmosphere throughout the chapters. This is just a bit of nit picking.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
I had a couple of weeks to read it and finished it within a couple of days (though I could have finished it all in one) The ending was certainly ambiguous with the slight cliff hanger, but then, the relationship between the characters were ambiguous.
Sub Total: 89/100
Bonus: 5/5
Because as your webmistress, I like to be an encouragement. Plus, I miss DBSK as a whole (though, I'm not the type of DBSK fan that will bawl my eyes out crying 'JYJ go back to HoMin!' In a way, I pretty much prepared myself for it. I just wish that they'd either gave us closure with a final concert, or I don't know -something!). I do feel that this is incorrectly labeled however. Yaoi refers to stories with actual sexual situations. Since this didn't have any sex, it should be labeled as Shonen-Ai as to not confuse readers.
Total: 94/100
Author: ava_lava
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/ava_lava2/
Reviewer: LaurenLCD @ i-DEAS
http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 4.5/5
The title (Trust The Little Bird) isn't cliche. It has relevance to your story without giving the plot away like so many stories on winglin and else where. However, the poster is written as simply "Trust" and may be seen as too ambiguous or too plain to catch an audience' attention.
First Impression: 10/10
The poster is nicely done and isn't too flashy. The background combined with the font color is easy to read. As far as your writing goes, I can tell that you worked hard and maybe even edited and proof read (though some mistakes slipped through the cracks).
Forewords: 7.5/10
You gave all the required information without bogging down the reader with unnecessary comments and even gave a glimpse of your writing style with a preview. However, I felt you should have gave some background information on the characters.
Plot: 15/15
It was rather unique, especially since it was based on a true story. While star struck student meets teacher plots aren't new, this is refreshing, particularly since the teacher is married to someone that the student can't find within themselves to hate.
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
It's based on real events, so in a way it wasn't truly original, but it was definitely creative of you to fill in the blanks with little things such as the hermit crab story, the analogy of the small birds versus the big birds, etc.
Flow: 10/10
Nothing felt rushed, and nothing felt like filler to merely give a reason to say 'hai gaiz! nu update! kekeke.' Each chapter felt like it had a reason to be there and maintained a steady pace.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
You clearly have a broad vocabulary. I could tell you knew the meaning of what you were writing and wasn't just raping the thesaurus for words that you thought would seem "smart." However, there are some mistakes that were a bit careless and could have been corrected with better proof reading and editing.
Spotting the “RECEPTIONIST” sign on the other side of the chamber, I pulled my luggage along the marble floor and smiled politely at the receptionist lady.
The elevator door opened with a DING and I walked through it, eyes surveying the scene to find Room 307.
I wasn’t legible for ANYTHING until I was eighteen, apparently.
*Note: 'legible' should be eligible. There are more typos (either in spelling or context) throughout (though this is few and far between).
He was on the jury of ALL of the major piano competitions, and conducts almost EVERY single orchestra as a guest every year.
When I realized that I was the ONLY one clapping, however, my face flushed and I heard Professor Jung chuckle lightly.
*Note: It is incorrect grammar to write in all caps at any time.
1. Find out where the practice rooms are. Need I say more?
2. Start looking for a job. I only have fifty dollars at the moment.
3. Become acquainted with the school. I must be able to know the place inside-out.
4. Find out where the cafeteria is. I will be able to get my food free if I bring my student card along..
*Note: Write out the actual words one, two, three etc.
I sat in front of the piano and quickly decided on my most recent encore piece (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwc-nmyPm4I). Like Changmin, I was a fast player, but I also had technique and a large tone.
*Note: This last sentence is just one of many examples: Never insert links, Author's Notes, etc. in the middle of writing. Either separate the links as another paragraph with •OST: URL• or put them only as an author's note before the chapter begins. Author's notes should be reserved for only the end or before the beginning of a chapter. When inserted during the writing, this makes the writing appear choppy, and is distracting. Better yet, try to actually put into words the sounds of the music by using adjectives, metaphors, similes etc. If you choose not to insert links, then give the name of the song as you give description.
Characterization: 9/10
Since this was all written in first person, I didn't expect a lot of development beyond Jaejoong since we saw everything through his point of view. However, there was depth and dimension with Yunho and I could actually picture him in my mind's eye. There could have been more development between YooSu, Changmin, etc. It felt like the minor characters were only glanced through.
Writing Style: 8/10
You could have used more description of nouns and set atmosphere throughout the chapters. This is just a bit of nit picking.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
I had a couple of weeks to read it and finished it within a couple of days (though I could have finished it all in one) The ending was certainly ambiguous with the slight cliff hanger, but then, the relationship between the characters were ambiguous.
Sub Total: 89/100
Bonus: 5/5
Because as your webmistress, I like to be an encouragement. Plus, I miss DBSK as a whole (though, I'm not the type of DBSK fan that will bawl my eyes out crying 'JYJ go back to HoMin!' In a way, I pretty much prepared myself for it. I just wish that they'd either gave us closure with a final concert, or I don't know -something!). I do feel that this is incorrectly labeled however. Yaoi refers to stories with actual sexual situations. Since this didn't have any sex, it should be labeled as Shonen-Ai as to not confuse readers.
Total: 94/100
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Setbacks Of A Winglin Author by nom d'écran .
Title: Setbacks Of A Winglin Author
Author: nom d'écran .
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/HEEZYOO6/
Reviewer by: LaurenLCD @ i-DEAS
http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 3/5
The average reader on winglin isn't interested in commentary, unfortunately. Those who see winglin as a site with flaws and wants those flaws to be seen for what they are will be interested, however.
First Impression: 5/10
Because there was no forewords, I got the impression that you were/are a lazy writer. Maybe you don't write like this on your other forewords, but on this one, you didn't even try.
Forewords: 0/10
As stated before: You didn't even try. Forewords are a glimpse into the author's writing style before the actual writing takes place. If I hadn't skipped and gone straight to the one-shot, I would have clicked the Main Index button without a second glance because the foreword gives me my first impression of the kind of writer you are. For future stories I recommend the following format:
[Title]
[Author]
[Rating]
[Length/Chapters]
[Characters]
[summary]
[Warning]
[Disclaimer]
[Credits]
***
Character Bios:
*A few sentences each for each major character*
***
Author's Note:
*optional*
Plot: N/A/15
This one-shot wasn't about a particualar event or series of events. It was basically commentary.
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
You're not the first, and I doubt you'll be the last to write a commentary/rant about winglin. However, I've seen authors who rant about topics such as this with a bit more creativity and humor. Although, since it is a serious topic, I didn't expect to be in stitches.
Flow: 9/10
A few transitional sentences seemed a bit out of place, but for the most part, it was organized.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
You have a good vocabulary and I certainly hoped it expanded since October 2009. However, a few of your sentences are fragments. Some sentences are wordy or lack the correct punctuation.
Fragments:
1. The apply stories.
2. Genuineness.
Wordiness/Punctuation placement/etc.:
1. It all started out when one night, I snooped around my cousin's laptop and found a site I had no interest in whatsoever.
This could be changed to: It all started one night[.] I snooped around [on] my cousin's laptop, finding a site I had no interest in, whatsoever.
2. Back in 2004 when winglin was amicable[,] (Of course, not that it isn't [any]more; but every now and then, a scoundrel would come into view and revile innocent word slingers) I remember it as a site where no one cared for the cover of the book.
3. But these days, oh these days .. Boy have everyone CHANGED their view on stories.
This could be changed to: But these days... Boy, [has] everyone [changed] their view on stories.
*note: even though winglin doesn't have an italics feature and you meant to capitalize the word for emphasis, it's still incorrect grammar.
4. Because once in a blue moon in that sentence actually means every day.
This could be changed to: 'Once in a blue moon' actually means every day.
5. Poor choice of words and lack of common sense, I'm sure that at one point (if, that is, you're an author who makes apply stories) you've felt as if this person copied ['this'] from you, or that person copied ['that'] from you. I'd be a total hypocrite if I said I have never been inspired by someone else. [But,] what I don't get is why you would demand originality when for the most part, originality is dead.
Characterisation: N/A/10
Writing Style: 9/10
You were clear and didn't ramble off topic.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
For the most part, everything you've written regarding this topic is on point. I have seen such actions of the sort many times. If I may jump on the bandwagon...
Have you ever had your personality copied?
- Not to my knowledge, and even if I have, I don't care.
Have you ever been accused of copying someone else's story / plot?
- No. However, I can admit to being inspired by a story and using elements of said story. Who hasn't? Originality is dead and in an age where everything (clothes, movies, music) is remade and trends make comebacks, it's difficult to be original unless you've lived your whole life under a rock.
Have you ever had your application jocked?
- I don't make apply fics. Even if I did, there is no set rule to who can have what on their application form. If someone 'jocked' my application, I wouldn't bat an eyelash.
Have you ever been told that you don't have any writing skill?
- No. I personally think I can do better, but I'm my own worst critic.
Have you ever been bad mouthed by others?
- No, but I have friends on winglin who have. In some cases, this caused them to leave for a while (if not altogether).
Have you ever felt the need to turn your story into an apply story all because you know it's the fastest way to get comments?
- No. Comments are encouraging, but they shouldn't be the sole purpose of writing. If I wanted someone to gush over my writing on a constant basis, I have family and friends to do that without posting anything online.
Sub Total: 55/100
Bonus: 10/5
Because you said what really does need to be said.
Total: 67/100
If I didn't have to factor in the Plot and Characterization, your score would have been higher. Because I had to, you lost 25 points in addition to the forewords totalling 35 points. If you ignore the 25 points, you have 67/75, which is pretty good, but needs a bit improvement.
Author: nom d'écran .
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/HEEZYOO6/
Reviewer by: LaurenLCD @ i-DEAS
http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 3/5
The average reader on winglin isn't interested in commentary, unfortunately. Those who see winglin as a site with flaws and wants those flaws to be seen for what they are will be interested, however.
First Impression: 5/10
Because there was no forewords, I got the impression that you were/are a lazy writer. Maybe you don't write like this on your other forewords, but on this one, you didn't even try.
Forewords: 0/10
As stated before: You didn't even try. Forewords are a glimpse into the author's writing style before the actual writing takes place. If I hadn't skipped and gone straight to the one-shot, I would have clicked the Main Index button without a second glance because the foreword gives me my first impression of the kind of writer you are. For future stories I recommend the following format:
[Title]
[Author]
[Rating]
[Length/Chapters]
[Characters]
[summary]
[Warning]
[Disclaimer]
[Credits]
***
Character Bios:
*A few sentences each for each major character*
***
Author's Note:
*optional*
Plot: N/A/15
This one-shot wasn't about a particualar event or series of events. It was basically commentary.
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
You're not the first, and I doubt you'll be the last to write a commentary/rant about winglin. However, I've seen authors who rant about topics such as this with a bit more creativity and humor. Although, since it is a serious topic, I didn't expect to be in stitches.
Flow: 9/10
A few transitional sentences seemed a bit out of place, but for the most part, it was organized.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
You have a good vocabulary and I certainly hoped it expanded since October 2009. However, a few of your sentences are fragments. Some sentences are wordy or lack the correct punctuation.
Fragments:
1. The apply stories.
2. Genuineness.
Wordiness/Punctuation placement/etc.:
1. It all started out when one night, I snooped around my cousin's laptop and found a site I had no interest in whatsoever.
This could be changed to: It all started one night[.] I snooped around [on] my cousin's laptop, finding a site I had no interest in, whatsoever.
2. Back in 2004 when winglin was amicable[,] (Of course, not that it isn't [any]more; but every now and then, a scoundrel would come into view and revile innocent word slingers) I remember it as a site where no one cared for the cover of the book.
3. But these days, oh these days .. Boy have everyone CHANGED their view on stories.
This could be changed to: But these days... Boy, [has] everyone [changed] their view on stories.
*note: even though winglin doesn't have an italics feature and you meant to capitalize the word for emphasis, it's still incorrect grammar.
4. Because once in a blue moon in that sentence actually means every day.
This could be changed to: 'Once in a blue moon' actually means every day.
5. Poor choice of words and lack of common sense, I'm sure that at one point (if, that is, you're an author who makes apply stories) you've felt as if this person copied ['this'] from you, or that person copied ['that'] from you. I'd be a total hypocrite if I said I have never been inspired by someone else. [But,] what I don't get is why you would demand originality when for the most part, originality is dead.
Characterisation: N/A/10
Writing Style: 9/10
You were clear and didn't ramble off topic.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
For the most part, everything you've written regarding this topic is on point. I have seen such actions of the sort many times. If I may jump on the bandwagon...
Have you ever had your personality copied?
- Not to my knowledge, and even if I have, I don't care.
Have you ever been accused of copying someone else's story / plot?
- No. However, I can admit to being inspired by a story and using elements of said story. Who hasn't? Originality is dead and in an age where everything (clothes, movies, music) is remade and trends make comebacks, it's difficult to be original unless you've lived your whole life under a rock.
Have you ever had your application jocked?
- I don't make apply fics. Even if I did, there is no set rule to who can have what on their application form. If someone 'jocked' my application, I wouldn't bat an eyelash.
Have you ever been told that you don't have any writing skill?
- No. I personally think I can do better, but I'm my own worst critic.
Have you ever been bad mouthed by others?
- No, but I have friends on winglin who have. In some cases, this caused them to leave for a while (if not altogether).
Have you ever felt the need to turn your story into an apply story all because you know it's the fastest way to get comments?
- No. Comments are encouraging, but they shouldn't be the sole purpose of writing. If I wanted someone to gush over my writing on a constant basis, I have family and friends to do that without posting anything online.
Sub Total: 55/100
Bonus: 10/5
Because you said what really does need to be said.
Total: 67/100
If I didn't have to factor in the Plot and Characterization, your score would have been higher. Because I had to, you lost 25 points in addition to the forewords totalling 35 points. If you ignore the 25 points, you have 67/75, which is pretty good, but needs a bit improvement.
Forever and Always by iMortal
Title: Forever and Always
Author: iMortal
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/iMortal_OS01/
Reviewed by: Andi @i-DEAS
*NOTE: This review took longer than expected because reviewers from the website resigned or went on hiatus and left no notice of which reviews they had completed. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.
Title: 3/5
Eh. You could be a little more creative with the title, though it does tie in with the story. At first glance, I wouldn’t read it while browsing.
First Impression: 6/10
Oh, as ever, dear. I’m not sure if it looks different on your computer or what…but never, NEVER use a light font when using a light background. I almost didn’t want to read this because it hurt my eyes and I had to strain them to look before I gave up and copied it into Word. It’s very hard to read, and it puts off a reader from continuing on because if they can’t read it, then they’ll just close your story. And your poster should be more appealing to the eye; a long figure and a title does nothing. He even looks sad, which I’m sure is not the mood of your story.
Forewords: 8/10
Because it’s a oneshot, you can’t really say much without giving away the plot. A little bit more info on the characters would have been appreciated. I liked the sneak peek you gave as well as the genre and all the disclaimers and copyrights. I need to do that for my own stories…=_=”
Plot: 12/15
Boyfriend and girlfriend together, and a friend who likes one of them as more than a friend. You see it a lot in oneshots. It was simple, though. Not too complex where an entire backstory had to be given. Thumbs up on that.
Creativity/Originality: 11/15
Like I said above, you see it a lot. The necklace thing was cute, I’ll admit that. And pretty, too. ^^
Flow: 10/10
Flowed perfectly. Nothing wrong here.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
If you’re unsure on a lot of mechanical things such as grammar, antecedents, verb-noun agreement, etc. I’d be happy to offer you a scan of common mechanical errors and how to fix them. Hmm, I should start offering people this.
First line: The moment he sat on my table, I knew he was up to something.
It should be: The moment he sat at my table, I knew he was up to something.
(He was not sitting on the actual table, was he?)
When you finish a quote, be sure some sort of punctuation ends it. Ex: “Hyung.” Not “Hyung.”
Characterization: 8/10
These were plain characters. Nothing remotely exciting about them, save for Jonghyun who was her persistently annoying secret admirer. I would call them “static.” Make your characters a little more likable, so the audience can relate to them. Make them “dynamic.”
Writing Style: 9/10
Thank God! You separate your paragraphs. I can’t stand writers who clash everything together to make it shorter. It looks messy and disgusting. This was an easy flow.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It would have been ten times easier to enjoy if you had picked out a different font. I liked it though. Work on choosing better colors and setting the mood, and you can be an amazing writer!
Sub Total: 77/100
Bonus: 2/5
Your penname. I love it!
Total: 79/100
Author: iMortal
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/iMortal_OS01/
Reviewed by: Andi @i-DEAS
*NOTE: This review took longer than expected because reviewers from the website resigned or went on hiatus and left no notice of which reviews they had completed. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.
Title: 3/5
Eh. You could be a little more creative with the title, though it does tie in with the story. At first glance, I wouldn’t read it while browsing.
First Impression: 6/10
Oh, as ever, dear. I’m not sure if it looks different on your computer or what…but never, NEVER use a light font when using a light background. I almost didn’t want to read this because it hurt my eyes and I had to strain them to look before I gave up and copied it into Word. It’s very hard to read, and it puts off a reader from continuing on because if they can’t read it, then they’ll just close your story. And your poster should be more appealing to the eye; a long figure and a title does nothing. He even looks sad, which I’m sure is not the mood of your story.
Forewords: 8/10
Because it’s a oneshot, you can’t really say much without giving away the plot. A little bit more info on the characters would have been appreciated. I liked the sneak peek you gave as well as the genre and all the disclaimers and copyrights. I need to do that for my own stories…=_=”
Plot: 12/15
Boyfriend and girlfriend together, and a friend who likes one of them as more than a friend. You see it a lot in oneshots. It was simple, though. Not too complex where an entire backstory had to be given. Thumbs up on that.
Creativity/Originality: 11/15
Like I said above, you see it a lot. The necklace thing was cute, I’ll admit that. And pretty, too. ^^
Flow: 10/10
Flowed perfectly. Nothing wrong here.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
If you’re unsure on a lot of mechanical things such as grammar, antecedents, verb-noun agreement, etc. I’d be happy to offer you a scan of common mechanical errors and how to fix them. Hmm, I should start offering people this.
First line: The moment he sat on my table, I knew he was up to something.
It should be: The moment he sat at my table, I knew he was up to something.
(He was not sitting on the actual table, was he?)
When you finish a quote, be sure some sort of punctuation ends it. Ex: “Hyung.” Not “Hyung.”
Characterization: 8/10
These were plain characters. Nothing remotely exciting about them, save for Jonghyun who was her persistently annoying secret admirer. I would call them “static.” Make your characters a little more likable, so the audience can relate to them. Make them “dynamic.”
Writing Style: 9/10
Thank God! You separate your paragraphs. I can’t stand writers who clash everything together to make it shorter. It looks messy and disgusting. This was an easy flow.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It would have been ten times easier to enjoy if you had picked out a different font. I liked it though. Work on choosing better colors and setting the mood, and you can be an amazing writer!
Sub Total: 77/100
Bonus: 2/5
Your penname. I love it!
Total: 79/100
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Love Songs by bluemonkiesx
Author's Name: bluemonkiesx
Story Title: Love Songs
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/gdyblovesongs/
Status: Complete
Reviewer: Rox @ i-DEAS
Title: 4/5
It is rather a cliché-ish title but I love the quote/summary: All love songs are based on real life experiences. A very true quote indeed.
First Impression: 6/10
I do recommend when writing Yaoi that you write in 3rd person’s POV. One main reason is that it is a bit hard to imagine the reader reading as a boy.
Forewords: 7/10
I think you should have put a teaser/preview or a synopsis/ summary about what the fan fiction was about to give readers a bit of what to expect.
Plot: 12/15
I liked the plot especially when GD and Taeyang had an argument causing them to not talk to each other. It created this mystery of: Are they going to be with each other again? Or if the marriage is really over. It really made me keep reading on and pushing the ‘Next’ button.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Creativity was good, not that all cliché-ish.
Flow: 5/10
I would say your flash backs are confusing. What sucks about Winglin is that you can’t italicize. But I would do ***FLASHBACK*** or …….FLASHBACK……. I mean you don’t have to caps it but I would say: Don’t put [Flashback] next to the text. Also, not a whole lot of people know this but you keep shifting to 2nd POV to 3rd POV.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Chapter 1:
“Why would I joke about something like marriage? You know I’m the [hopeless] romantic, you should have believed me,” he laughs. “Now, will you answer my question?” You pause and take a deep breath, “Will you marry me, Kwon Jiyong?”
Chapter 5:
The heat coming from his body and it feels [so so so] satisfying and you wonder why you didn't do this before and you realize that you want more of his heat, need more. And so you quickly discard the remainder of your clothing along with his, and relish in the closeness and perfection that is Kwon Jiyong.
Youngbaeah, I l-love you," he moans and his voice hitches a little at the exact moment that your hand wraps [wraps] itself around his length, stroking him, teasing him, pleasing him beyond measure.
Overall, your grammar is pretty good. A lot of Compound-Complex Sentences which is pretty good but I think you can also use semicolons in some of your sentences. That’s really an option. You also had a lot of typos but not really a huge thing to worry about. I would say be careful that you don’t really repeat a lot of words. The ‘so so so’ could be subsidized as other words like ‘extremely’ or ‘very’
Characterizations: 8/10
I like how you kept it simple and straightforward instead of complicating the character’s characteristics.
Writing Style: 8/10
You have great writing style, its unique because your writing style is used for 3rd Person POV. I would say you don’t have to keep your sentences too long. You can always break them.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Sub Total: 64.5/100
Bonus: 4/5:
Your writing skills are good. Other than having trouble with you sentence structure, your choice of words is great. You had a great vocabulary. And that it’s hard to write Yaoi. I give a lot of credit to authors who write Yaoi because the majority of fanfics aren’t Yaoi.
Total: 76/100
Story Title: Love Songs
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/gdyblovesongs/
Status: Complete
Reviewer: Rox @ i-DEAS
Title: 4/5
It is rather a cliché-ish title but I love the quote/summary: All love songs are based on real life experiences. A very true quote indeed.
First Impression: 6/10
I do recommend when writing Yaoi that you write in 3rd person’s POV. One main reason is that it is a bit hard to imagine the reader reading as a boy.
Forewords: 7/10
I think you should have put a teaser/preview or a synopsis/ summary about what the fan fiction was about to give readers a bit of what to expect.
Plot: 12/15
I liked the plot especially when GD and Taeyang had an argument causing them to not talk to each other. It created this mystery of: Are they going to be with each other again? Or if the marriage is really over. It really made me keep reading on and pushing the ‘Next’ button.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Creativity was good, not that all cliché-ish.
Flow: 5/10
I would say your flash backs are confusing. What sucks about Winglin is that you can’t italicize. But I would do ***FLASHBACK*** or …….FLASHBACK……. I mean you don’t have to caps it but I would say: Don’t put [Flashback] next to the text. Also, not a whole lot of people know this but you keep shifting to 2nd POV to 3rd POV.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Chapter 1:
“Why would I joke about something like marriage? You know I’m the [hopeless] romantic, you should have believed me,” he laughs. “Now, will you answer my question?” You pause and take a deep breath, “Will you marry me, Kwon Jiyong?”
Chapter 5:
The heat coming from his body and it feels [so so so] satisfying and you wonder why you didn't do this before and you realize that you want more of his heat, need more. And so you quickly discard the remainder of your clothing along with his, and relish in the closeness and perfection that is Kwon Jiyong.
Youngbaeah, I l-love you," he moans and his voice hitches a little at the exact moment that your hand wraps [wraps] itself around his length, stroking him, teasing him, pleasing him beyond measure.
Overall, your grammar is pretty good. A lot of Compound-Complex Sentences which is pretty good but I think you can also use semicolons in some of your sentences. That’s really an option. You also had a lot of typos but not really a huge thing to worry about. I would say be careful that you don’t really repeat a lot of words. The ‘so so so’ could be subsidized as other words like ‘extremely’ or ‘very’
Characterizations: 8/10
I like how you kept it simple and straightforward instead of complicating the character’s characteristics.
Writing Style: 8/10
You have great writing style, its unique because your writing style is used for 3rd Person POV. I would say you don’t have to keep your sentences too long. You can always break them.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Sub Total: 64.5/100
Bonus: 4/5:
Your writing skills are good. Other than having trouble with you sentence structure, your choice of words is great. You had a great vocabulary. And that it’s hard to write Yaoi. I give a lot of credit to authors who write Yaoi because the majority of fanfics aren’t Yaoi.
Total: 76/100
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Once Upon A Fairytale by A I K A
Title: Once Upon A Fairytale
Author: A I K A
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/keyfairytale/
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 2.5/5
I believe it should be: ‘Once Upon a Fairy Tale’ instead of ‘Once Upon A Fairytale’
Besides that, another mark was also taken due to lack of originality? Your title gave off a slightly cliché feeling. It kind of felt like it was going to be those ‘fairy tale love stories’. I personally thought you could’ve come up with a better title.
First Impression: 8.5/10
Your poster has a unique style, but somehow it didn’t really catch my interest. Although I will give you credit for making the poster and background yourself. I loved the colours.
Forewords: 10/10
It was interesting and probably one of the best forewords I’ve ever read. Great job! Also, as I was reading on, your forewords made more sense.
Plot: 13/15
Slight confusion going on in chapter two I believe. First, you wrote: ‘I was halfway in my room’ and then later on, you wrote: ‘giving up on entering my room’. So is he in his room or not?
Your plot was amazing, but you’ve made mistakes like ‘Ji Eun's trying hard to forget Jonghyun?’ and ‘Joo-yeon and Taemin jumped’ (when it was supposed to be Jieun with Taemin), makes your plot seem a little unrealistic. When you use fictional characters, remember to put the correct names or else readers might be confused as to who loves who.
There was also a part where Key called Joo-yeon, but I thought they didn’t have each other’s numbers?
There were a lot of depth to your plot, and you’ve explored very well into the situation as well as the characters. However, details make it more realistic, if your details are incorrect then it gives me a chance to pull your mark down.
Creativity/Originality: 13.5/15
One of the most original fanfics I’ve read, I must admit. Although, at times I did feel there were a few slightly overused storylines. However, overall it felt like you based your storyline around boys over flowers/meteor garden. Like a school with rich kids and a peasant girl. Family forcing heir to marry people they don’t love. It worked surprisingly well, but just a point I thought I’d make.
Flow: 8.5/10
The pace of your fiction was superb, although there were parts where it felt slightly rushed. Since your story was long, it’s actually really difficult to manage the flow. So I didn’t take too many marks off.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7.5/10
There were a lot of silly mistakes here and there. A few things you wrote and I wrote my corrections in brackets.
I mean, how do you know?" (You missed a quotation mark at the beginning)
will be their with their children (Should be ‘THERE’ not ‘THEIR’)
"Is that any was to talk to a lady?" (I think you meant ‘ANY WAY’)
Cinderella had a first a first love too. (Unnecessary repetition?)
How long was I asleep. (Question mark?)
eyebrow.I felt my face redden. (space?)
I really want to now what happened to her yesterday (should be ‘know’ not ‘now’)
A few awkward sentence structures going on here and there and spelling errors like: ‘log’ when you meant ‘long’, ‘Mingo’ when you meant ‘Minho’, ‘form’ when you meant ‘from’ etc.
Somewhere, Taemin turned into ‘Taeminf’ for a while.
A lot of typos, punctuation mistakes and lack of spacing near the end of your story. Please make an attempt to proof read.
Characterisation: 9/10
Your characterisation was ALMOST flawless to me. Still there were times when I had the though, would they really do that or what they really feel like that? Overall, your characters felt really realistic.
Writing Style: 8/10
I like the way you write and how some sentences were short and snapping. However I thought there were lots of opportunities where you could’ve added a connective to make your sentences flow better. Of course, your writing still makes sense regardless if there’s a connective or not. But because there were so many sentences like: ‘he said slowly, anger sinking in’. It just loses the effect because there were so many of these snappy sentences. Therefore, I would suggest you use a range of long and short sentences in future.
I loved how you linked your story with event in fairy tales. It’s a very intellectual piece of writing.
However, I really disliked how you went to a flashback without any warnings beside the:
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
…Which you also used for changing the scenes. Since you wrote in character’s perspectives, at the top you always put (someone’s name) POV, why don’t you put ‘FLASHBACK’ before you go into the flashback? At the end of the day, readers are reading this, not watching it. So I think it might be slightly better if readers are warned before flashbacks happen.
Finally, I shall conclude that your writing style is excellent, because I could actually imagine every scene in my head.
Overall Enjoyment: 4.5/5
Your fic was surprisingly amusing to read. I actually giggled a few times. Great job!
Sub Total: 85/100
Bonus: 3/5
- One of the best fanfics I’ve read.
- This fanfic probably has the highest mark I’ve given in reviewing.
- It was interesting to read
Total: 88/100
Author: A I K A
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/keyfairytale/
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 2.5/5
I believe it should be: ‘Once Upon a Fairy Tale’ instead of ‘Once Upon A Fairytale’
Besides that, another mark was also taken due to lack of originality? Your title gave off a slightly cliché feeling. It kind of felt like it was going to be those ‘fairy tale love stories’. I personally thought you could’ve come up with a better title.
First Impression: 8.5/10
Your poster has a unique style, but somehow it didn’t really catch my interest. Although I will give you credit for making the poster and background yourself. I loved the colours.
Forewords: 10/10
It was interesting and probably one of the best forewords I’ve ever read. Great job! Also, as I was reading on, your forewords made more sense.
Plot: 13/15
Slight confusion going on in chapter two I believe. First, you wrote: ‘I was halfway in my room’ and then later on, you wrote: ‘giving up on entering my room’. So is he in his room or not?
Your plot was amazing, but you’ve made mistakes like ‘Ji Eun's trying hard to forget Jonghyun?’ and ‘Joo-yeon and Taemin jumped’ (when it was supposed to be Jieun with Taemin), makes your plot seem a little unrealistic. When you use fictional characters, remember to put the correct names or else readers might be confused as to who loves who.
There was also a part where Key called Joo-yeon, but I thought they didn’t have each other’s numbers?
There were a lot of depth to your plot, and you’ve explored very well into the situation as well as the characters. However, details make it more realistic, if your details are incorrect then it gives me a chance to pull your mark down.
Creativity/Originality: 13.5/15
One of the most original fanfics I’ve read, I must admit. Although, at times I did feel there were a few slightly overused storylines. However, overall it felt like you based your storyline around boys over flowers/meteor garden. Like a school with rich kids and a peasant girl. Family forcing heir to marry people they don’t love. It worked surprisingly well, but just a point I thought I’d make.
Flow: 8.5/10
The pace of your fiction was superb, although there were parts where it felt slightly rushed. Since your story was long, it’s actually really difficult to manage the flow. So I didn’t take too many marks off.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7.5/10
There were a lot of silly mistakes here and there. A few things you wrote and I wrote my corrections in brackets.
I mean, how do you know?" (You missed a quotation mark at the beginning)
will be their with their children (Should be ‘THERE’ not ‘THEIR’)
"Is that any was to talk to a lady?" (I think you meant ‘ANY WAY’)
Cinderella had a first a first love too. (Unnecessary repetition?)
How long was I asleep. (Question mark?)
eyebrow.I felt my face redden. (space?)
I really want to now what happened to her yesterday (should be ‘know’ not ‘now’)
A few awkward sentence structures going on here and there and spelling errors like: ‘log’ when you meant ‘long’, ‘Mingo’ when you meant ‘Minho’, ‘form’ when you meant ‘from’ etc.
Somewhere, Taemin turned into ‘Taeminf’ for a while.
A lot of typos, punctuation mistakes and lack of spacing near the end of your story. Please make an attempt to proof read.
Characterisation: 9/10
Your characterisation was ALMOST flawless to me. Still there were times when I had the though, would they really do that or what they really feel like that? Overall, your characters felt really realistic.
Writing Style: 8/10
I like the way you write and how some sentences were short and snapping. However I thought there were lots of opportunities where you could’ve added a connective to make your sentences flow better. Of course, your writing still makes sense regardless if there’s a connective or not. But because there were so many sentences like: ‘he said slowly, anger sinking in’. It just loses the effect because there were so many of these snappy sentences. Therefore, I would suggest you use a range of long and short sentences in future.
I loved how you linked your story with event in fairy tales. It’s a very intellectual piece of writing.
However, I really disliked how you went to a flashback without any warnings beside the:
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
…Which you also used for changing the scenes. Since you wrote in character’s perspectives, at the top you always put (someone’s name) POV, why don’t you put ‘FLASHBACK’ before you go into the flashback? At the end of the day, readers are reading this, not watching it. So I think it might be slightly better if readers are warned before flashbacks happen.
Finally, I shall conclude that your writing style is excellent, because I could actually imagine every scene in my head.
Overall Enjoyment: 4.5/5
Your fic was surprisingly amusing to read. I actually giggled a few times. Great job!
Sub Total: 85/100
Bonus: 3/5
- One of the best fanfics I’ve read.
- This fanfic probably has the highest mark I’ve given in reviewing.
- It was interesting to read
Total: 88/100
A Friend’s Confession by geesoo
Title: A Friend’s Confession
Author: geesoo
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CHA01
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 3/5 – It’s not really that creative; because it’s obvious you based it on 2AM’s song. Also, it’s a bit revealing. Maybe use a part of the lyrics instead of using the title of the song? But most importantly, this title is related to the fic.
First Impression: 10/10 – it’s pretty.
Forewords: 8/10
Your forewords set the scene up, which was good. It felt strange reading your forewords, because I thought your sentence structures were slightly awkward at times. But because I’m unsure I didn’t take marks off that.
Your forewords were quite repetitive. I could see you wanted the effect, but personally it was slightly uninteresting to see a similar scene three times. I liked the repetition of Wooyoung’s quote; however maybe alter the scenes a little?
Also, because of your forewords, I already deducted marks from your plot. [PLEASE READ PLOT SECTION]
Overall, it didn’t really grab my attention and make me want to read on, but it was very unique method of setting up the scene which not many writers use.
Plot: 9/15
In your forewords, you said that in 2002 the characters were 13. However, in 2005, you claimed that they were 14. There’s three years difference there…no matter how you calculate it, I don’t think it works. Let’s say, they just turned 13 at the time. So 2003 they would be 14, 2004 would be 15. Therefore in 2005, they have to be at least 15/16 of age. When doing a timeline, please make sure you have the stages planned out. By just looking at it, it’s obvious that you haven’t paid much attention to the character’s ages; therefore it also allowed me to reduce some marks in characterisation as well.
You’re a great writer, just need to be more careful.
I liked the bungee jump, but I didn’t like the rides. They weren’t interesting to read and especially because it’s a one-shot it wasn’t as effective. For one-shots I think it’s better to just leave the parts which are important, because that way you can create a bigger impact.
Your plot was obvious from the start, and it wasn’t particularly strong either.
Creativity/Originality: 8/15
I didn’t really see anything original here. I won’t say its cliché, but it was definitely used before. Maybe more elaboration would make it seem more original.
Flow: 6/10
There were a lot of short sentences which ruined the flow for me. It was like, ‘stop then go’. I believe connectives would’ve solved your problem here. A good balance between long and short sentences would make it better I think.
Surprisingly, even though your writing increased the pace, the plot was slow. As a short piece of writing, it didn’t create much of an impact on me for the majority of the writing. I just kept thinking: ‘so, what would this lead to?’ and ‘you included this…because…?’
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
‘This… i-isn’t f-f-fair…‘ (I don’t think there’s any need for spaces after the ‘…’)
‘…They had been going out now for four years,’ (I personally think the sentence would have been fine without the ‘now’.)
‘…Let me just get finished’ (It doesn’t sound quite right? Maybe ‘Just let me finish first’ would be better.)
‘… really since middle school’ (This doesn’t make sense. ‘…really’ wasn’t necessary.)
‘…because she in a steady relationship’ (‘…because she WAS in a steady relationship’)
Characterisation: 7/10
I think you should’ve explored into the feelings of your characters more. I could see their traits and habits, but I didn’t really know how they felt, especially Jay.
Writing Style: 7/10
I don’t know why, it felt really scripted for me. Like, there were some sentences where you could’ve used connectives to make them flow better. Also, there seemed to be more dialogue than description. I personally think that more description would’ve made your writing better.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It was sweet!
Sub Total: 68/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 72/100
Author: geesoo
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CHA01
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 3/5 – It’s not really that creative; because it’s obvious you based it on 2AM’s song. Also, it’s a bit revealing. Maybe use a part of the lyrics instead of using the title of the song? But most importantly, this title is related to the fic.
First Impression: 10/10 – it’s pretty.
Forewords: 8/10
Your forewords set the scene up, which was good. It felt strange reading your forewords, because I thought your sentence structures were slightly awkward at times. But because I’m unsure I didn’t take marks off that.
Your forewords were quite repetitive. I could see you wanted the effect, but personally it was slightly uninteresting to see a similar scene three times. I liked the repetition of Wooyoung’s quote; however maybe alter the scenes a little?
Also, because of your forewords, I already deducted marks from your plot. [PLEASE READ PLOT SECTION]
Overall, it didn’t really grab my attention and make me want to read on, but it was very unique method of setting up the scene which not many writers use.
Plot: 9/15
In your forewords, you said that in 2002 the characters were 13. However, in 2005, you claimed that they were 14. There’s three years difference there…no matter how you calculate it, I don’t think it works. Let’s say, they just turned 13 at the time. So 2003 they would be 14, 2004 would be 15. Therefore in 2005, they have to be at least 15/16 of age. When doing a timeline, please make sure you have the stages planned out. By just looking at it, it’s obvious that you haven’t paid much attention to the character’s ages; therefore it also allowed me to reduce some marks in characterisation as well.
You’re a great writer, just need to be more careful.
I liked the bungee jump, but I didn’t like the rides. They weren’t interesting to read and especially because it’s a one-shot it wasn’t as effective. For one-shots I think it’s better to just leave the parts which are important, because that way you can create a bigger impact.
Your plot was obvious from the start, and it wasn’t particularly strong either.
Creativity/Originality: 8/15
I didn’t really see anything original here. I won’t say its cliché, but it was definitely used before. Maybe more elaboration would make it seem more original.
Flow: 6/10
There were a lot of short sentences which ruined the flow for me. It was like, ‘stop then go’. I believe connectives would’ve solved your problem here. A good balance between long and short sentences would make it better I think.
Surprisingly, even though your writing increased the pace, the plot was slow. As a short piece of writing, it didn’t create much of an impact on me for the majority of the writing. I just kept thinking: ‘so, what would this lead to?’ and ‘you included this…because…?’
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
‘This… i-isn’t f-f-fair…‘ (I don’t think there’s any need for spaces after the ‘…’)
‘…They had been going out now for four years,’ (I personally think the sentence would have been fine without the ‘now’.)
‘…Let me just get finished’ (It doesn’t sound quite right? Maybe ‘Just let me finish first’ would be better.)
‘… really since middle school’ (This doesn’t make sense. ‘…really’ wasn’t necessary.)
‘…because she in a steady relationship’ (‘…because she WAS in a steady relationship’)
Characterisation: 7/10
I think you should’ve explored into the feelings of your characters more. I could see their traits and habits, but I didn’t really know how they felt, especially Jay.
Writing Style: 7/10
I don’t know why, it felt really scripted for me. Like, there were some sentences where you could’ve used connectives to make them flow better. Also, there seemed to be more dialogue than description. I personally think that more description would’ve made your writing better.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It was sweet!
Sub Total: 68/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 72/100
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)