By Your Side by th1rd3ye

Author: th1rd3ye
Title: By Your Side
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/fts_mh_BYS/
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)


Warning: The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.


Title: 5/5
The title matches well with the plot and the whole story. Although it is simple, I appreciate you keeping it that way because it just brings out the accurate meaning to it.


First impression: 8/10
I really like the poster and I think it’s nice. The color aqua is somewhat different and it’s not something we can see in every fan fictions. However, your title color and your link color are blending too much with the background. You should pick different colors so they would be more attractive and eye-catching. (Also, try changing the font; it’s really hard to read with blue against blue.)


Forewords: 8/10
Let me start by saying that you give out a little too much in your forewords. I like a sufficient, clean one that doesn’t tell off the ending of the story, but you did it otherwise. You should elaborate it, which you did but you didn’t keep it ambiguous. By reading the forewords, we know that Min Hwan and the girl are already dead, so don’t you think you gave out too much here? It’s like telling the readers that the two main characters they are going to read are already dead and the next chapter would only be telling about how she/he died. Your forewords would have been good if you know how not to spoil the content.


Plot: 12/15
Your problems here are the arrangement of the story and your fragments. You tend to explain this and that without any specific timeline. You wrote everything in one patch, whether it’s about Min Hwan moving to her place, Min Hwan eating her ice-cream, Min Hwan delivering food. It’s good that you’re trying to put everything in contact, but somehow some things are just not in their right places. Your problem is only a slight one and if you practice writing and plotting storylines, I believe you can do it well.


Creativity/ Originality: 11/15
I like the “romantic-sweet moments”, however, it saddened me that you’re using typical actions between the two lovers. Dying and turning into a guardian angel is overused too. The way to make yours an original is to blend your creativity together with it. Sadly, I didn’t see any creativity being showed in this story and it made me think that the story is just simple and not above that. You have the great piece of idea, just that the idea itself is not enough without your creativity. Your originality; I cannot say that this is very original and I can’t say that this is too common. It’s in between, where it’s up to the readers to judge it. Some may think that they have read this few times and some might consider this as a first piece of their reading pleasure.



Flow: 8/10
Like I said earlier, your plotting isn’t that good and you didn’t make it consistent. I think the ending was rushed and straightforward. Beginning was okay, but not the ending.


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7.5/10
I only found few grammatical mistakes and spelling errors. The rest are just construction of words and fragment errors. You did a lot of mistakes in placing the commas.



1) Upon reaching my apartment, Min Hwan casually lay on the giant sofa bed, in the living room. I pounced on him, wanting to exact my revenge. Little did I expect that I was in for a special treat from Choi Min Hwan, my dearest boyfriend, who was also my younger brother’s best friend.



- Upon reaching my apartment, Min Hwan casually lay on the giant sofa bed in the living room. [You don’t need to separate it with a comma]I pounced on him, wanting to exact my revenge. Little did I expect that I was in for a special treat from Choi Min Hwan, my dearest boyfriend, who was also my younger brother’s best friend.



2) With his attractive adorable looks, and a brilliant and dazzling smile, he had won over the hearts of many females. In addition, he was smart, full of knowledge and at the same time cheeky and creative, he would always have ideas about almost everything. He was unpredictable and mysterious, you could never know what mischief he was planning, but all these characteristics just made him more alluring and lovable.



- With his attractive, adorable look and a brilliant and dazzling smile, [Place comma between ‘attractive’ and ‘adorable’ because they’re used as descriptions. He only has one look and not ‘looks’. You also don’t need a comma after that because it has been linked with ‘and’] he had won over the hearts of many females. In addition, he was smart, full of knowledge and at the same time cheeky and creative. [Don’t use comma, consider a full stop.] He would always have ideas about almost everything. He was unpredictable and mysterious, you could never know what mischief he was planning, but all these characteristics just made him more alluring and lovable.



Those are only few of them and I think you should revise your story back and find your mistakes.


Characterization: 8/10
I think Min Hwan is a little bit too perfect and it doesn’t make that much sense. I’m letting that slip because at least he has a personality, unlike the girl in the story. Her attitude didn’t show much and all I could figure out is the girl’s weakness in giving up her life. Jae Jin’s minor role is a good one but it only bloomed in the forewords, nothing much throughout the story.


Writing style: 9/10
My only complaint is the placing of the commas. You did well for the rest.


Overall enjoyment: 3/5
I didn’t really enjoy because of the font color, making it hard for me to read. However, I did enjoy the sweetness overload between the lovers.


Subtotal: 79.5/100


Bonus: 1/5
For replying to your readers.


Total: 80.5/100

Accidental Love by Jian You

Author: Jian You
Title: Accidental Love
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/chinyy/

Status: Complete
Reviewer: .flavored

Title: 3/5

It fits the story and looks pretty good. I like how the two really did meet by the means of an accident. =D However, is a bit low on the eye-catching side.

First Impression: 8/10

I like the poster, and the dark background suits the story. The font is a little hard to read, but it’s still manageable.

As for the story’s first impressions, I must say that the first thing to cross my mind was that my theory that 99.9% of the good fics on winglin are Shonen Ai/Yaoi fics was proven true yet again. So, I suppose that’s good? XD

Forewords: 5/10

I don’t really like this type of forewords. Never did. I prefer the story type. It’s more interesting and tells a lot about the author’s prowess.

Plot: 12/15

It’s not the most creative plot in the word, but it’s good enough. I like how you add real elements into it. And the ending was good as well. Nothing much I can say to improve on it. Thumbs up.

Creativity/Originality: 10/15

It’s not exactly the most creative plot I can think of, but the way you write it makes it slightly more original. I also like the way you incorporated so many social problems into this fic to make it a lot heavier and meaningful. Wonderful job.

Flow: 9/10

No comment. Seems good. But I’m no expert, so I’ll just minus one point =D *gets bashed* Ow.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10

Mostly good. There are some grammar mistakes here and there. For example, I spotted in Chapter 7 a ‘his’ when it should be ‘he’s’.

But mostly small mistakes. Vocabulary could be improved though. I see you using mostly simple words like ‘say’, ‘talk’, ‘ask’ and etc. Try to expand your vocab so that you’ll use more descriptive words like, let’s say, ‘sneer’, ‘enquire’.

Characterisation: 7/10

It was pretty well done. And the two characters fit their role well.  I’m not a fan of POV, although that’s just me, since you did the switching quite flawlessly. Still, using POV tends to show that the author isn’t that strong in language.

Writing style:  6/10

Your writing style is a little dodgy at times, and the sentences are a slight bit too fragmented. Here’s a suggestion.

Chapter 8; instead of –

“Or did he mean it in a different way? He probably wanted to see me to ask me about our math work. Probably doesn't get it because I wouldn't let him work on it. Which might mean he doesn't feel the same way. And in fact might mean he doesn't even like me. Even as a friend.”

You could use:

“Or perhaps he meant it in a different way? He probably wanted to see me about our math work, probably because I wouldn’t let him work on it and now he doesn’t get any of the stuff we learnt today. That would mean he doesn’t feel the same way I felt about him – in fact it meant that he might not even like me at all; even as a friend.”

Just a suggestion. It’s fine as it is… except “mean” really should be “meant”.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Quite enjoyed it. Except it was shounen ai… and slightly not very comfortable with it. Also not very attracted to dramas, but hey. That’s just me. Most of the people in winglin would love this =D

Sub Total: 70/100

Bonus: 2/5

One is because I’m late. And the second is because it’s one of the few best fics I’ve reviewed so far. However, I can’t give you more, because although it’s good, it’s far from the best of yaoi fics that I’ve seen. There’s still a lot more room for improvement.

Total: 72/100

Within 8 Hours by baboracoon

Author : baboracoon

Title : Within 8 Hours

Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/baboracoon4/

Status : completed

Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)

Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.

Title : 3.5/5

Honestly speaking, the title didn't catch my attention at first. Maybe cause it wasn't that attractive or it was just plain simple. However, I do like how the title connects to the story, telling what was happening within that 8 hours. I like neat titles and formal titles and that excludes random capitalizing. I'm glad that you've changed the title and placed proper capitals.

First impression : 5/10

The reason why I only give half of the full mark is because I don't really favor the poster. I know you design it by yourself but all you did was add the title and change the whole hue and saturation. The poster is a little bit blurry and it wasn't that attractive. As you can see, you have other main characters such as Kang In and the fictional girl, not only DBSK but why aren't they in the poster? You should add Kang In and the girl too since they played a big role in this story. If your characters are too many to be squeezed in into a single poster, you can just include the three main characters: Kang In, The girl and Yoochun. That would be better.

Forewords : 4/10

I know your other reviewers said that your foreword is good, but being very observant and attentive, I solely think that your foreword is nothing but a bit of this and that pulled together. Your foreword has many grammatical mistakes and I think you should change that if you want to attract more readers. Readers like me would usually leave the fanfic if the foreword is less interesting and I am sure most of the readers don't like the type of foreword that you predisposed. Try to elaborate more but do keep it below the line. I know simplicity is sometimes the key, but being too simple won't give anything at all.

Plot : 13/15

I like your plotline cause it's different from the others and it reckoned me the originality of the story. I like how everything happened in just 8 hours and how everything changed after that. Nonetheless, I want you to improve on plot management because the way you plot your story is very awkward and perplexing. You don't know how to organize the events and the stemming.

Creativity/ Originality : 12/15

Interesting, but you can definitely do something better and out of the box. I was happy that this wasn't just the typical love story where the lover died from this and that. This actually made sense, BUT as far as I am concerned, your creativity didn't radiate and it made the whole thing sound arrant and interminable. You didn't let your characters explore more as it only happened inside the Choi Supermarket. You should try balancing the whole thing.

Flow : 7/10

I'm not too happy with the flow or the way you ended the story. I know you wanted to control the pace, but at some point it just got too tangled and inextricable. One example is when DBSK controlled the Choi Supermarket, it was so fast and easy for them to hold hostages. I think it was a little bit on the contrary. It was illogical how they can do this and that without concerning the law and rules. I know that this is just a fic, but it does affect the way people read it too. Other than that, you're set.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 4.5/10

You warned the readers that you are not so good with your English and I actually thought it was such a good thing. Some author won't admit how bad they write, but you did the right thing. However, that doesn't spare me from not doing this. After all, this is for you to improve right? I found a LOT of mistakes, whether it's in a form of grammatical error, wrong usage of vocabulary, spelling mistakes or even fragment errors. These mistakes bothered my reading since they were too many. I'm going to list the mistakes you have in your forewords.

Forewords-

1-What would you do if in your first day works, you sink into one big problem?

~What would you do if in your first day of work, you get into one big problem? (I know that 'get' is just an ordinary word, however 'sink' doesn't really suit the situation the girl was in. Saying that she sink into a big problem is a little bit awkward and unfinished.)

2-Big problem that could changed all of your life...

~A big problem that can change all your life... (Use 'can' instead of could and NO PAST TENSE after could/can/would/will/etc)

3-He made you couldn't breathe well...

~He made you breathless (Your sentence was off and too stiff.)

4-You were an ordinary girl: cheerful, active and hard-worker

~You were an ordinary girl: Cheerful, active and hardworking

5-he was one of group who did a robbery at your work place.

~He was one of the members of a group which robbed your working place.

6-You could not refuse to accept his charisma and either of him.

~(I don't get it, why would you want to accept his charisma? It's not like he's trying to give it to her. I know what you were trying to say, but that wasn't the best one you can make) You couldn't refuse his charisma and neither can you refuse him.

Frankly, you have a lot to change and learn. If you want to know your mistakes, you can personally email me and I'll help you out with it. ^^

Characterization : 7/10

Like I said before, some characters made improper moves and irrational actions. I didn't get it why Yoochun fell for her easily and it was just way too cliché if you say he fell in love with her eyes. It doesn't actually become an obsession when you see someone for the first time and fell for her eyes. You didn't play with the other characters well (aside from Yoochun and Kang In) and you didn't explain more about the rest.

Writing style : 6/10

I really don't like the way you write it into a 'you' story. Every time it was the reader's POV, it would have 'you' and 'you' and 'you' and they irritate me a lot. The other way you can change it is to let the readers have 1st POV so they can feel themselves inside the story, not imagining themselves in the story. Your writing is a little bit messy and you didn't give space when different people are talking. Also, you got some of the Korean words wrong. You put “Cooking fried egg and sausage for you, aegiya~” when actually the aegiya was supposed to be 'Chagiya'.

Overall enjoyment : 2/5

I enjoyed it cause it was new BUT there were a lot of factual errors and other writing mistakes, so they prevented me from enjoying the whole story.

Sub total : 64/100

Bonus : 2/5

For the hard work and for making the poster by yourself

Total : 66/100

July 26th [One Shot] by Star-chan

Author: Star-chan

Title: July 26th [One Shot]

URL:  http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/July26/

Reviewer: Mickey

Title : 4/5
` The title had me wondering what it was going to be about, but at the same time, it wasn’t eye-catching.
It’s a wonderful title, but you once get to understand what it actually means after reading the story.

First Impression : 8/10
` My first impression of the story, I didn’t that that it would be a super sad story. I thought by looking at the colors, it would have been more happy/sad, instead of sad throughout the whole story. The poster and background is beautiful though.

Forewords :  9/10
` Your forewords had gotten me absolutely hooked. Wondering what it would be about and also got me thinking about my true friends. It was a bit confusing to me though. I had no idea what was going on though. I had to read it about five times before actually reading the story.

Plot : 14/15
` Your plot was really good. I have never read something like this, because I usually don’t like reading sad type of stories. This is a story I would have recommended to anyone who was looking for a story to read. At first, I was very confused on what was going on. I literally had to read the first couple of paragraphs a couple of times. I didn’t know who was talking or who the narrator was talking about.
 
Creativity/Originality : 15/15
` Like I stated above, this is an original.

Flow : 8/10
` The flow was great, but while I was reading the story, I felt like it was dragging on. You wrote in big, long paragraphs which is a great thing, but because it was confusing and had to keep re-reading it, if felt long.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 10/10
` I have nothing to say here, everything seemed to be fine to me.

Characterization : 5/10
` Throughout the whole story, I had no idea who you were talking about it. You didn’t use any names but instead used: brother, sister, me, etc.
While I was reading, I just couldn’t keep up on who the narrator was talking about. The girl who died or any of the other names should have a name, just so it’s easier to understand about who the narrator was talking about. It was hard to catch up on everything with the characters.

Writing Style : 8/10
` Your writing style was awesome, although it got me confused on some parts. I felt like you crammed too much in one paragraph or too little in one paragraph. But your writing style was really clean and nice. You have a very unique/nice way of writing and by the way I read your story, I know that you’ll be even a more awesome writer in the future.

Overall Enjoyment : 5/5
` I REALLY enjoyed reading this Story. I usually don’t read sad kind of stories, so yours is actually the first story I have read that was a sad story. I like more of the comical/romance kind of stories, but this story was very unique.

Sub Total : 86/100

Bonus : 3/5
` thanks for requesting @ i-DEAS!

Total : 89/100