Author : GD-Babyism
Title : Supernova
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/gdbabyish/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Yunni @ i-DEAS
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.
Title: 3/5
You tied up the title in the story, but you don't make a pointer to why it's called that. Maybe it's just me; I don't get why.
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First Impression: 10/10
The poster and color scheme ran well together and also fitted the title. Great.
=
Forewords: 6/10
I like how you started off your forewords with the definition of 'supernova'; this proves that that the title was not chosen out of thin air. Also, your forewords hinted at your story, which was great. I also liked your wording in it, it attracts readers to come back for more.
However, your forewords were missing the basic information of your shot- that would have been better if you included those. It's your shot, but in my view, I think those help enhance the story itself.
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Plot: 14/15
That. Was. Beautiful. I don't normally read 2PM stories (too lazy =p), but I know that some of them feature Park Jay. This was the first, and it's going to leave a lasting impression because of how you wrote it. Instead of writing about some love story or some girl Jay had to leave behind in Korea, you wrote about him leaving his best friend. Sad, but beautiful. I find these better to read that cliched love stories.
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Creativity/Originality: 13/15
Your mark in this area was affected mainly by the overrated cancer, but you managed to shape that into your very own plot. I really liked the details you included in there, like Myung Hee's birthday parties, and how Jay was in charge of everything about her (that was really sweet!). This is what makes a story original. =)
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Flow: 10/10
Although the shot covered a somewhat large span of time, I think you managed to control well and not skip places. The entire story flowed so well you had no need for breaks to signal time change.
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Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
I think you had great vocabulary throughout, and I don't think I spotted any major grammar mistakes. However, there were mistakes with your mechanics in dialogue and some other places, as well as formatting.
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Dialogue:
You never put periods in your sentences after you character says something. Nor were there commas-
“Ten years from now,” I said, “I’d like to be Myung Hee’s best friend”
Although your comma was placed correctly, you NEVER put any periods the sentence after, when you ended what the character said. Always put periods after they've finished with a certain action.
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Mechanics:
Comma usage was the most important thing in here.
In the plane, I sent him a message saying thanks for everything, I sent a letter to fans and most importantly, to my best friend.
The comma after everything shouldn't be there. It connects the two together, but it is a grammatically wrong run-on sentence. So instead, put a period and play around with your words. It could sound something like-
On the plane, I sent him a message saying thanks for everything. I also sent a letter to my fans, but most importantly, to my best friend.
Also, here:
So I sent this, “I’m sorry”
When you put the comma there, don't use 'this', because it makes everything sound awkward. you could have put a dash there, but a comma slows everything down, and makes the sentence sound really awkward. Don't forget the period at the end!
-
Formatting:
Whenever someone new says something, you always start another paragraph.
“Mr. Kim?” I ask. “What do you think I should do?” The good thing about a teacher who knew you for more than a quarter of your life was that he doesn’t pretend to not know what you’re talking about.
“I think its best if you ask her what she wants, instead of letting other people decide” he replied. I sigh, fiddling with my hands.
“Great. I don’t even know who she is anymore. She’s so cheerful at the thought of dying. Hell, I don’t even know who I am too.”
=
Characterisation: 9/10
It's hard to develop characters in such a short span of time, but I think that you handled that perfectly well. The story told of Myung Hee and Jay's younger days, and in doing the way you did it, you showed the development of your characters very, very well. Also, I like the way you put your characters into context and how you wrote them; it fitted the story perfectly.
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Writing Style: 8/10
Everyone has a different writing style, but I like yours- your paragraphs weren't too long, but when they were, they weren't filled with unnecessary detail. However, remember the formatting!
=
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
I particularly liked how you ended the story by Jay leaving instead of Myung Hee dying and leaving the readers to think about what happens to her after wards. Also, I liked your diction in here.
=
Sub Total: 83/100
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Bonus: 2/5
1. For real sweet lines throughout the story and the meaning behind.
2. For including a Thank You page (interaction with readers)
Total: 85/100
Showing posts with label yunni. Show all posts
Showing posts with label yunni. Show all posts
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Spread Your Wings by Star-chan
Author : Star-chan
Title : Spread Your Wings
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/SCwings
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Yunni @ i-DEAS
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.
Title: 5/5
I must admit, I really like the title. Those three words give off such a light and beautiful feeling that it's hard not to be drawn in by it.
=
First Impression: 6/10
The poster was great, but what really deducted your marks was the colors scheme. You had a dominate color, yes, but something didn't feel quite right. Your title, I think. It didn't exactly put this color in my mind, and that made it somewhat awkward even before I read your story.
=
Forewords: 2/10
You put an introduction/short summary in the forewords, but it's missing everything else- all the other basic information that your forewords should include, such as your title, genre, copyright (that's up to you), and your own notes pertaining to the fic (should you have any). It's too short and barely offers any information about the fic itself while it centers in on your plot.
=
Plot: 11/15
This plot isn't unheard of before, and it was made all the more common when the two characters met and fell in love just like that. However, don't you think that it's too rushed? It's a one-shot, and I know it's hard to develop a lot of details in just one chapter, but really, in this case, the story is way too rushed if you don't have them. It sounds unrealistic and random.
=
Creativity/Originality: 9/15
Your mark in this area is affected by the originality of the plot itself. However, I think you deserve credit for some of the things such as reference of life and the characters to the butterflies and the butterfly-ie ending at the end. HAHAHA.
Although I liked the scenery and the dialogue at the end, it's how you wrapped up the story that took some of the points off-
"Where we would end up after we left this world, I don't know; but if it were an utopia, I would choose to stay there, forever with you."
This line just doesn't seem to have anything to do with the story.
=
Flow: 4/10
Your flow is WAY TOO FAST. As I mentioned in your plot, you have rushed the story. In the beginning, when Onew tried to cheer the girl up, already the pace was too fast- who, especially after being abused, would let a stranger touch you? Secondly, to just have your characters falling in love because of this is unrealistic. The couple "got together" too fast, and your flow was too rushed because you centered it around this point.
Also...
"When I heard your timid voice on the other end, I instantly knew that it was you." ---> how did he know?
=
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
There were problems with punctuation, grammar, comma usage, and had redundant sentences and repetitive words throughout the story; I am only pulling up random examples.
-
Punctuation
"Anneyong! Um, here's your handkerchief." You said, holding out the piece of material, tilting your head to the right and waited for me to take it.
You use a comma at the end of whatever the character says, unless it's a question or an exclamation, in which you would use the appropriate punctuation marks.
-
Grammar
"As the water cascaded over the edge, it made a soft trickling sound which filled our comfortable silence."
The correct grammar in this case would be to change 'which' to 'that'.
-
Comma usage
"There was one night, that I know will never erase from my mind."
The comma after 'night' doesn't need to be there. This happened a lot throughout the fic where you put commas where they weren't supposed to be. Commas are signs that one should take a breath or pause for a short while while reading; it slows down the speed and flow of the words. When you put it in the wrong place, it makes the entire piece sound awkward.
Also, here:
"All I could do was offer you warmth, advice, love and care."
Be sure to add a comma after 'love', unless love and care was meant to be one subject, and not by their own (which isn't the case in your context).
-
Redundancy
"We knew lots about each other, though we didn't know everything. I had to admit though."
The second sentence, 'I had to admit,' is completely unnecessary. Why not just combine them? Also, the second part of your first sentence is also unnecessary. By saying 'we knew lots about each other, though we didn't know everything,' you are just repeating yourself and adding unnecessary detail in. You could rephrase it to something like this:
"I'll admit that we didn't know everything about each other, but we knew plenty."
Instead of using a weak and vague word like 'lots', use some other words to make your sentence sound and flow better.
=
Characterisation: 5/10
I know it's hard in a oneshot, but you NEED to develop your characters. As a shot-writer myself, I recognize the difficulty of making a character grow in such a short time. However, you DO need to explain how the character developed throughout the story, not just how they met and started trusting each other, falling in love. Also, you need to make your character/main characters more dynamic- put more details in than the girl being confusing or hard to read, and make Jinki a more round character than a flat character.
=
Writing Style: 9/10
Everyone has their own writing style, but I enjoyed yours very much- the spacing, paragraphs, and dialogue was easy on the eyes, and your style of the writing itself wasn't bad, not at all.
=
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
Your fic was way too predictive. It was so easy to tell what was going to happen next- so add more twists and turns! Surprise the reader with something they didn't think would happen! This is something that makes the story creative and original.
=
Sub Total: 57/100
Bonus: 2/5
1. For this line: Though I could fly free, I didn't want to. Not until you could fly with me.
2. For including a Thank You page (interaction with readers)
Total: 59/100
Remember to keep writing and don't give up, no matter what your score on the review is. No matter how good you are, remember that there are always improvements to be made.
Title : Spread Your Wings
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/SCwings
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Yunni @ i-DEAS
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.
Title: 5/5
I must admit, I really like the title. Those three words give off such a light and beautiful feeling that it's hard not to be drawn in by it.
=
First Impression: 6/10
The poster was great, but what really deducted your marks was the colors scheme. You had a dominate color, yes, but something didn't feel quite right. Your title, I think. It didn't exactly put this color in my mind, and that made it somewhat awkward even before I read your story.
=
Forewords: 2/10
You put an introduction/short summary in the forewords, but it's missing everything else- all the other basic information that your forewords should include, such as your title, genre, copyright (that's up to you), and your own notes pertaining to the fic (should you have any). It's too short and barely offers any information about the fic itself while it centers in on your plot.
=
Plot: 11/15
This plot isn't unheard of before, and it was made all the more common when the two characters met and fell in love just like that. However, don't you think that it's too rushed? It's a one-shot, and I know it's hard to develop a lot of details in just one chapter, but really, in this case, the story is way too rushed if you don't have them. It sounds unrealistic and random.
=
Creativity/Originality: 9/15
Your mark in this area is affected by the originality of the plot itself. However, I think you deserve credit for some of the things such as reference of life and the characters to the butterflies and the butterfly-ie ending at the end. HAHAHA.
Although I liked the scenery and the dialogue at the end, it's how you wrapped up the story that took some of the points off-
"Where we would end up after we left this world, I don't know; but if it were an utopia, I would choose to stay there, forever with you."
This line just doesn't seem to have anything to do with the story.
=
Flow: 4/10
Your flow is WAY TOO FAST. As I mentioned in your plot, you have rushed the story. In the beginning, when Onew tried to cheer the girl up, already the pace was too fast- who, especially after being abused, would let a stranger touch you? Secondly, to just have your characters falling in love because of this is unrealistic. The couple "got together" too fast, and your flow was too rushed because you centered it around this point.
Also...
"When I heard your timid voice on the other end, I instantly knew that it was you." ---> how did he know?
=
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
There were problems with punctuation, grammar, comma usage, and had redundant sentences and repetitive words throughout the story; I am only pulling up random examples.
-
Punctuation
"Anneyong! Um, here's your handkerchief." You said, holding out the piece of material, tilting your head to the right and waited for me to take it.
You use a comma at the end of whatever the character says, unless it's a question or an exclamation, in which you would use the appropriate punctuation marks.
-
Grammar
"As the water cascaded over the edge, it made a soft trickling sound which filled our comfortable silence."
The correct grammar in this case would be to change 'which' to 'that'.
-
Comma usage
"There was one night, that I know will never erase from my mind."
The comma after 'night' doesn't need to be there. This happened a lot throughout the fic where you put commas where they weren't supposed to be. Commas are signs that one should take a breath or pause for a short while while reading; it slows down the speed and flow of the words. When you put it in the wrong place, it makes the entire piece sound awkward.
Also, here:
"All I could do was offer you warmth, advice, love and care."
Be sure to add a comma after 'love', unless love and care was meant to be one subject, and not by their own (which isn't the case in your context).
-
Redundancy
"We knew lots about each other, though we didn't know everything. I had to admit though."
The second sentence, 'I had to admit,' is completely unnecessary. Why not just combine them? Also, the second part of your first sentence is also unnecessary. By saying 'we knew lots about each other, though we didn't know everything,' you are just repeating yourself and adding unnecessary detail in. You could rephrase it to something like this:
"I'll admit that we didn't know everything about each other, but we knew plenty."
Instead of using a weak and vague word like 'lots', use some other words to make your sentence sound and flow better.
=
Characterisation: 5/10
I know it's hard in a oneshot, but you NEED to develop your characters. As a shot-writer myself, I recognize the difficulty of making a character grow in such a short time. However, you DO need to explain how the character developed throughout the story, not just how they met and started trusting each other, falling in love. Also, you need to make your character/main characters more dynamic- put more details in than the girl being confusing or hard to read, and make Jinki a more round character than a flat character.
=
Writing Style: 9/10
Everyone has their own writing style, but I enjoyed yours very much- the spacing, paragraphs, and dialogue was easy on the eyes, and your style of the writing itself wasn't bad, not at all.
=
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
Your fic was way too predictive. It was so easy to tell what was going to happen next- so add more twists and turns! Surprise the reader with something they didn't think would happen! This is something that makes the story creative and original.
=
Sub Total: 57/100
Bonus: 2/5
1. For this line: Though I could fly free, I didn't want to. Not until you could fly with me.
2. For including a Thank You page (interaction with readers)
Total: 59/100
Remember to keep writing and don't give up, no matter what your score on the review is. No matter how good you are, remember that there are always improvements to be made.
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