Supernova by GD-Babyism

Author : GD-Babyism
Title : Supernova
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/gdbabyish/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Yunni @ i-DEAS

Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.






Title: 3/5
You tied up the title in the story, but you don't make a pointer to why it's called that. Maybe it's just me; I don't get why.


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First Impression: 10/10
The poster and color scheme ran well together and also fitted the title. Great.


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Forewords: 6/10
I like how you started off your forewords with the definition of 'supernova'; this proves that that the title was not chosen out of thin air. Also, your forewords hinted at your story, which was great. I also liked your wording in it, it attracts readers to come back for more.
However, your forewords were missing the basic information of your shot- that would have been better if you included those. It's your shot, but in my view, I think those help enhance the story itself.


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Plot: 14/15
That. Was. Beautiful. I don't normally read 2PM stories (too lazy =p), but I know that some of them feature Park Jay. This was the first, and it's going to leave a lasting impression because of how you wrote it. Instead of writing about some love story or some girl Jay had to leave behind in Korea, you wrote about him leaving his best friend. Sad, but beautiful. I find these better to read that cliched love stories.


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Creativity/Originality: 13/15
Your mark in this area was affected mainly by the overrated cancer, but you managed to shape that into your very own plot. I really liked the details you included in there, like Myung Hee's birthday parties, and how Jay was in charge of everything about her (that was really sweet!). This is what makes a story original. =)

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Flow: 10/10
Although the shot covered a somewhat large span of time, I think you managed to control well and not skip places. The entire story flowed so well you had no need for breaks to signal time change.

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Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
I think you had great vocabulary throughout, and I don't think I spotted any major grammar mistakes. However, there were mistakes with your mechanics in dialogue and some other places, as well as formatting.
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Dialogue:
You never put periods in your sentences after you character says something. Nor were there commas-

“Ten years from now,” I said, “I’d like to be Myung Hee’s best friend”

Although your comma was placed correctly, you NEVER put any periods the sentence after, when you ended what the character said. Always put periods after they've finished with a certain action.
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Mechanics:
Comma usage was the most important thing in here.

In the plane, I sent him a message saying thanks for everything, I sent a letter to fans and most importantly, to my best friend.

The comma after everything shouldn't be there. It connects the two together, but it is a grammatically wrong run-on sentence. So instead, put a period and play around with your words. It could sound something like-

On the plane, I sent him a message saying thanks for everything. I also sent a letter to my fans, but most importantly, to my best friend.

Also, here:

So I sent this, “I’m sorry”

When you put the comma there, don't use 'this', because it makes everything sound awkward. you could have put a dash there, but a comma slows everything down, and makes the sentence sound really awkward. Don't forget the period at the end!
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Formatting:
Whenever someone new says something, you always start another paragraph.

  “Mr. Kim?” I ask. “What do you think I should do?” The good thing about a teacher who knew you for more than a quarter of your life was that he doesn’t pretend to not know what you’re talking about.
  “I think its best if you ask her what she wants, instead of letting other people decide” he replied. I sigh, fiddling with my hands.
  “Great. I don’t even know who she is anymore. She’s so cheerful at the thought of dying. Hell, I don’t even know who I am too.”

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Characterisation: 9/10
It's hard to develop characters in such a short span of time, but I think that you handled that perfectly well. The story told of Myung Hee and Jay's younger days, and in doing the way you did it, you showed the development of your characters very, very well. Also, I like the way you put your characters into context and how you wrote them; it fitted the story perfectly.


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Writing Style: 8/10
Everyone has a different writing style, but I like yours- your paragraphs weren't too long, but when they were, they weren't filled with unnecessary detail. However, remember the formatting!


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Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
I particularly liked how you ended the story by Jay leaving instead of Myung Hee dying and leaving the readers to think about what happens to her after wards. Also, I liked your diction in here.


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Sub Total: 83/100


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Bonus: 2/5


1. For real sweet lines throughout the story and the meaning behind.
2. For including a Thank You page (interaction with readers)


Total: 85/100