It Was You by Ronix

Author: Ronix
Title: It Was You
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Asian_Fanatic03/
Status: Complete
Reviewer: .flavored

Title: 3/5

Not the most original title in the world. And neither was it eye-catching, though that wasn’t your fault since after Super Junior came out with their song, the title ‘It’s You’ has been strewn across the contents page like nobody’s business. So since yours looks a bit familiar... so... XD

First Impression: 7/10

The poster and background were nice enough and suited the mood. But you didn’t change the font colour at all. Do you not know how to? Or were you lazy? Please remedy this soon.

Forewords: 8/10

Model forewords. But not very satisfactory to me. Could be more dramatic. Some grammatical errors.

Plot: 12/15

No plot holes. Technically sound. I did like how you made both guys equal in their quest for Hebe’s hand. (Truthfully, neither seem good enough for her: one’s a little psycho, the other has a problem with jealous and insecurity =P)

Selina suddenly being introduce was also a nice twist, but it was a bit abrupt. Last minute plot change? XD

Creativity/Originality: 9/15

One can never be truly original in romance since it is a genre that is overused, especially in winglin. The plot has been used many times before, I can tell. Though it was a nice twist with Hebe believing Mike at first.

That being said, I can’t blame you for an unoriginal plot, but the writing and the way it was showcased was not creative or original either way. So, no cookie points.

Flow: 8/10

Its fine and you keep butting in interesting elements in, so I didn’t get bored. Only thing is. This has gone beyond a one-shot hasn’t it? Change your title to [Short Story] please XD

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10

Spelling’s fine. Grammar is technically correct, but there were parts which sounded, reaaaaaally odd. Like in Chapter 3, “She felt at home once again. She missed her bedroom which was painted with pink and lavender, Her mug which was given by Mike on their 1st Anniversary.” Would have been better as: “Entering her house, she felt a sense of peace – she was home again, after all. She had missed her bedroom, painted pink and lavender, and her mug which Mike had given her on their 1st Anniversary.”

Another really, really annoying thing is your capitalization has gone haywire. There were capitals everywhere where they shouldn’t be. Please remember, that unless it’s a name, or a location, or God, after a comma, the words are always non-capitalized!

Vocabulary is fine, but you can still improve to help give more atmosphere to the story.

Spotted some minor mistakes here and there in all categories. Please proof-read again.

Characterisation: 7/10

Brief characterisation. It’s nice you added different elements to each character, especially Aaron, who got pretty much all his sides shown.

Hebe and Selina were fine. But there’s going to be a female confrontation yeah? Use that to develop their characters properly, okay?

Mike was very underdeveloped. Unless he’s resurfacing later? Otherwise, he is totally an unsatisfactory character.

Writing Style: 8/10

It’s fine. The short sentences help the reader digest the story more easily.

Just one suggestion is that, because of the genre, it may be better to be a lot more descriptive. And use your descriptiveness to bring atmosphere and depth to the story. Don’t be descriptive just for the sake of being descriptive! It’ll just waste your readers time. Maybe an example for you:

“He leaned closer when Hebe was distracted and captured those lips of hers.
Hebe's eye widen and felt this guy was crazy !

But,

She didn't push away, She enjoyed it and felt he was so familiar.

Not to mention his a good kisser.

Aaron, Sensing Hebe responding towards their kiss, Brought it to the next level.

In the end, It became a passionate one.

Hebe wanted to kick herself for being an idiot. Having Mike while kissing Aaron ?!

Hebe didn't even know Aaron for 24 hours but look at them right now, Kissing in front of Hebe's house.

Rephrase that, MAKING OUT.”

Kinda kills the atmosphere. Maybe it would sound better phrased like this:

“Hebe’s eyes widened when she suddenly felt Aaron’s lips on hers. With a rising temper, Hebe screamed in her brain at the indignity of him taking advantage of her while she was being distracted.

It was strange how despite her misgivings, she didn’t push away.

It felt familiar, his soft lips onto hers. The scent, the feeling, the ecstasy.

He was really good.

As if sensing Hebe’s feelings, Aaron deepened the kiss, his arms wrapped around her like a security blanket. She felt herself go limp in his arms.

It was passionate yet sweet at the same time. A level of kissing which Hebe had never experienced before, not even with Mike.

‘Mike.’

With that Hebe began freaking out. What was she doing? She hadn’t even known Aaron for 24 hours, but here she was, blatantly kissing him in the front of her house.

Seriously, what the heck was she doing?”

Sounds better? Just a suggestion.

Overall Enjoyment: 1/5

Despite the technically high marks, I didn’t enjoy this much. Maybe it’s my generally high expectations for the genre, or maybe it’s because I’m being anal, but I didn’t feel anything when reading this story. So yeah, sorry.

Sub Total: 69/100

Bonus: 1/5

I can’t really see anything to give bonus points? Maybe just one for writing a technically good story =D

Total: 70/100