Pair of Hands - A Recurring Dream by brightside

Author: brightside
Title: Pair of Hands – A Recurring Dream
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/pairofhands/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: .flavored

Note: Before I start, I just want to say that I’m going to go harder on you because I feel that you have a lot of promise. Don’t be discouraged by the marks, I just want to help. You already have two ego-boosting reviews, and another won’t help you much. Just know that when the marks I gave are high, they really are, so good job for those high marks.

Title: 4/5

It’s a good title. Fresh and original, though not exactly eye-catching. But it fits the story well.

First Impression: 6/10

The poster and background struck me as a tad amateurish, but that’s okay. =D The fonts, colours and position of words on the poster could be improved to make them more striking.

I didn’t like your colour scheme though. Although the yellow was easy to read, it was a little too bright and striking. Using red was equally jarring. With an already complicated background, plain white would have worked much better. Besides, this story is rather tranquil and artistic – yellow and red aren’t really suitable for that, being cheery and happy colours.

Forewords: 5/10

One other review said this right? The forewords doesn’t tell the reader much. In fact, it’d be better if you put the first part of Chapter 1 as the forewords. And then in Chapter 1, you start with something like “Dia woke with a start.” Or something.

That way, it connects the story much faster to the title, and tells the genre, and the mood as well. Because that’s essentially what a foreword is supposed to do. 

Plot: 13/15

No plot holes. Technically sound. It’s not half bad, and the recurring dream added a dreamy (pun totally intended) aspect to the fic.

I liked the random knowledge about psychology. Nice work, doing research. Two thumbs up!

I also realized it has a very shoujo manga aspect to it. Maybe that’s why I don’t mind this story so much. (Has fear of winglin romance fanfics) XD

Creativity/Originality: 10/15

One can never be truly original in romance since it is a genre that is overused, especially in winglin. I’ve said that in another review. But as long as the story is fine and sound or even better, exceptional, no on really will care. And frankly, you don’t need them in the plot that much (just a bit of freshness of an idea would do).

This plot where the dream reflects real life, although interesting, is (I’m almost sure) not a very original idea. But the way this fic was written, combined with the way the story flowed, made it good enough to read despite not being creative or original.

Flow: 8/10

It’s fine and there was a good flow. My only grouse is that towards the end, the chapters got shorter and shorter.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10

I’ll say the good things first. Spelling is almost impeccable, and the vocabulary is considered rather exceptional in winglin, but there are still some wrong words used.

Now, we come to the bad part – the grammar. It’s jarringly inconsistent. I can tell you were going to write in present tense all the way, but at a lot of parts, you changed to past tense, or present perfect, or past perfect when it wasn’t supposed to be. And later on, it switched to more past tense.

What do you want to do? Please pick one tense and stick with it!

I’d suggest writing in past tense. Writing in present tense is the HARDEST thing in the world. You have to have an impeccable sense of grammar! It’d also help if you had a beta-reader, especially if you are attempting to write in present tense.

Just an example of where you went wrong:

“Those pair of hands again. The recurring dream. It occupies her mind the whole morning. That recurring dream appears more frequent. It doesn’t bother her but it puzzles her. There is dirt on the hands. She was thinking what kind of dirt is it. It looks like grease. But she wouldn’t know. Because it doesn’t pass through her hands. She lifts her hands to have a clearer view of it. There’s nothing particular about it. Nothing special, she thought. And again she remembered she’s sounding like her brother.” (Chapter 4)

Correction (past tense):

‘Those pair of hands again. The recurring dream. It occupied her mind the whole morning. That recurring dream appeared more frequently now. It didn’t bother her but it did puzzle/puzzled her. There was dirt on the hands. She wondered what kind of dirt it was. It looked like grease. But she wouldn’t know, because it didn’t pass to her hands. She lifted her hands to have a clearer view of them. There was nothing particular about them. Nothing special, she thought. And again, she realized she sounded like her brother.’

Correction (present tense):

‘Those pair of hands again. The recurring dream. It occupies her mind the whole morning. That recurring dream is appearing more frequently now. It doesn’t but her but I puzzles her. There was dirt on the hands. She wonders what kind of dirt it was. It looked like grease. But she wouldn’t know, because it doesn’t pass to her hands. She lifts her hands to have a clearer view of them. There is nothing particular about them. Nothing special, she thinks. And again, she realizes she sounds like her brother.’

Do you see the parts where you jumped tenses? It’s very disconcerting for the reader, and tends to interrupt the flow of the story, spoiling the reader’s enjoyment of the fic.
Please try to improve on this. (Note: There are some other changes inside other than tense change. Mostly wrong word usage. Another thing to improve.)

There are also some small but funny mistakes. E.g. also in Chapter 4: ‘The boy ignored her. He picked up the fallen materials. Dia tried to help him. He didn’t mind her. It was like there was no Dia existing in front of her.’

Somehow, the boy became a girl. Lol. =D

Characterisation: 9/10

Very good. I like how you used seemingly unimportant background knowledge to contribute to the character building. Like when you described the three experiments, showing how Dia was quite the average girl who didn’t like to stand out to much. I’d like you to thank you for this – I haven’t seen this sort of thing in Winglin for a long, long time outside my circle of friends. Thank you.

One point down because there’s always room for improvement. =D

Writing Style: 5/10

It’s better than most in winglin. In fact, if I were to compare it to a vast majority of winglin fics, I’d say you’re quite high on the chart. But since I’m trying to help you improve, I’ll give you concrit instead.

The main problem with your writing style is that it is mostly made up of short sentences. This in its own is fine, even good in some places. But too much of one thing is never good – and in this case, it proves through. The overload of short sentences makes the story very jumpy and disconnected. It’s hard for the reader to get a flow and read smoothly.

Here’s a good example of where you used shorter sentences the right way:

‘They walked home together. Crossing streets. Passing by people, some they knew, some they don’t. Dexzel was a bit surprised that Dia wasn’t uncomfortable having stains on her knee-long cream dress. The paint spills are black and people would sometimes look at her with asking eyes. It didn’t bother Dia. She never noticed it anyway.’

Now, here’s a bad example:

‘Puzzled. She was now dreaming about it every night. Not only every night, but each time she sleep or takes nap. She didn’t know why. She opened the window. The air was cool and she leaned her head on her hands. As soon as she heard footsteps outside her door, she knew it was mama. She opened the door and went straight to the kitchen where her mother was.’

In the case above, it would have been better if you were more eloquent, especially since it entails a thought process of one who is thinking. Unless the person is panicking or perhaps, stoned, or retarded, do not use short sentences to describe a thought process.

Here’s a suggested edit for the above:

‘She was puzzled. That dream – she dreamt it every time closed her eyes for rest, be it sleep or nap. She didn’t know why it was so, and the stuffy atmosphere in the room didn’t help in her pondering over it. She opened up the window.

The air was cool and it calmed her mind, luring it into working smoothly again. Tired, she rubbed her hands into her hair, making it puff up into an odd shape before smoothing down again.

Suddenly, there were footsteps outside her door. She sighed, knowing who it was. Opening the door softly, she padded towards the kitchen where the familiar silhouette was pacing. A comforting silhouette it was – that of her mother’s.’

(Note: The above is in past tense)

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

I would have given higher since I did quite enjoy it. But there were a few things that spoiled it. One, the constant switching of tenses, which disrupted the flow of the story. Two, the short sentences, which at times were distracting and caused me to go backwards to double-check meanings instead of easing my reading journey. Three, the small, careless mistakes which jump up and make me go “huh?”. It’s funny at times, but at other confounding.

Sub Total: 67/100

Bonus: 5/5

I’ll give you full bonus marks because, firstly, I think you’ve been waiting a bit for this review? Secondly, because I’m not the reviewer you requested for – she left the reviewing circle, unfortunately before completing this review. And thirdly, for being someone with promise. =D

Total: 72/100

Well congrats =D I think you’ve gotten the highest mark I’ve given so far. =D But remember that you still have a way to go.