The First and Last One by tubbyGENx3

Author : tubbyGENx3
Title : The First and Last One
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/2Shots1/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Yunni @ i-DEAS

Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.



Title: 4/5
It is completely understandable why you picked this as your title. Short, sweet, tied up to the story. I would, however, suggest that you have left out the 'one' for it to sound less of a mouthful. Something shorter that would grab readers' attention more.

=

First Impression: 8/10
Pretty and golden. The too-yellow font and completely contrasting link color kind of jerked me out of it though.

=

Forewords: 7/10
It's great how you wrote your forewords in each of the character's point of views, giving an overall view of what the story is about. You had an idea, took it, and wrote it down. And, of course, credited the poster maker =) Yesh, that is very important.
However, you were missing all the other essentials- background details of the story, any other long author notes, your own thoughts, your cast- it would contribute to make a great foreword(s) if you had put those in. The point of a foreword is to give background of the story to the reader, so make use of it.

=

Plot: 10/15
Even though it's somewhat cliched and overused because of cancer, I still think that it's beautiful. What can I say; I love angst =) However, your ending REALLY docked you a couple of points, because you just left the reader hanging at the end of the letter. I finished reading it, and I was thinking, "...That's it?" If all the loose ends tied up, that would have been REALLY neat.

=

Creativity/Originality: 11/15
I really liked your ending- that was what really built up your points here. In most fics, the author would simply kill off the person with cancer. However, I really liked the tone you ended it on- she woke up, expecting to watch Nickhun on Inki, and the Alzheimer's got to her. She can't remember anything. That was really neat. The only flaw was that Nickhun appeared at the end, which I found extremely, extremely cheesy.

=

Flow: 9/10
I think the only place that got to me was the ending where Nickhun suddenly barged into her house. That was quite confusing- wasn't he performing on Inkigayo? How

=

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
The main parts are to watch out for choppy sentences, dialogue punctuation, dialogue format, and semi-colon/comma usage. Also, try to expand your vocabulary a bit. You're building up your foundation, but don't be afraid to play around with words.
For your choppy sentences, use more transition words such as as,  and, but, or, etc. It would make them flow and sound better.
-
Dialogue punctuation:
Lately, I've been seeing a lot of fics with these, but here- you punctuated your dialoge incorrectly.

“Even if you don't have any more strength to speak I would still love you”

There should be a period at the end, because it doesn't say that Khun is doing something else. So here- if he was doing something, it would look like this:

“Even if you don't have any more strength to speak I would still love you,” he said.

But he's not doing anything, and so there should be a period at the end.
-
Dialogue format:
You're putting all your dialogue in your paragraphs- every time a new person says something, a new paragraph should be started. That goes easy on the eyes and is the correct formatting for it.
-
Semi-colon/comma usage:
I'm seeing you use commas in weird places. Just pointing out that a semi-colon is used to separate two thoughts, and a comma is simply to put breaks in the sentence and goes before transitions (not always).

I can hear her breathing against my neck, the smell of her 'Baby Bench' perfume is so attracting.

Try using a semi-colon here instead of a comma; that would make more sense.

=

Characterisation: 8/10
Although the story was short, you managed to cover your characters well. I could understand them and their motifs, but try to develop them a little more. Details...you need them.

=

Writing Style: 6.5/10
Everyone has a different style =p Not saying anything about your own, but I think that it wouldn't hurt to expand it a little- try throwing in some bigger words, and don't forget the formatting!

=

Overall Enjoyment: 2.5/5
I liked how she forgot everything at the end. xD

=

Sub Total: 71/100

=

Bonus: 2/5


1. For the ending
2. For interacting with your readers.

Total: 73/100