Last Gift by love_korean_music

Author: love_korean_music
Story: Last Gift
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/emychan
Reviewer: TongTong

Title: 3/5:
It’s a good title because it hints at what kind of story this is going to be, and it seems to give out the impression that it’s going to be an artsy, literary type of story.  However, if I browse through the winglin index page, the story title might pass right by me, as cruel as it sounds.

First Impression: 7/10
The poster and background give off a depressing atmosphere, which is good since your story is kind of melodramatic.  However, I think the background and poster would have been a little more elegant fitting.  Nevertheless, the first impression is good that it didn’t automatically make me question your writing.

Forewords: 7/10
You need to proof-read the prologue, because it’s a little bit confusing toward the end:

You wrote:
“Taemin asks for the last memory from Mira which is the last gift for Mira from dear friend, Taemin.”

I suspect another character (perhaps Honggi) is the one asking for Mira’s last memory, and not Taemin?

Maybe you’re striving for a light-hearted kind of feeling, but the character description is kind of on the boring side…For example, Mira sounds like a Mary-Sue, which might turn off some readers.  In other words, the character descriptions are flawed because they seemed to be too perfect.

Plot: 10/15
The story could have been a little bit more developed and I feel more Taemin and Mira might do the trick.

Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Obviously your idea isn’t that original…but I feel that you have make your story a little different here.

Flow: 7/10
Sometimes I feel there are places where you can take your time to develop a little bit more so that the story doesn’t seem rushed, while there are some places that could have been deleted because they irrelevant and therefore slow down the story a bit.  

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
There are obvious typos, awkward sentences, and word choice problems. Sometimes it can be a little bit distracting, so it’s best if you could take the time to revise it or get a beta reader.

Example of a word choice problem from your story:
Taemin didn’t enter the next class.  (Chapter 1)

Other than that, please try to stay in one POV.   Sometimes you write in third person and sometimes you write in first person…it can get bit irritating for readers if the story is constantly shifting in different POVs.

Suggestion:
Taemin didn’t go to his next class.

Characterisation: 8/10

I really like the characterization in this story…I can really feel what they all were going through…like the confused Mira, the big brother Kibum, and the loving Taemin.

Writing Style: 4/10
I find your writing style too cheesy, if that’s right word.  At certain point, I ended cringing.  I think you need to show the story more than telling it.  For example, instead of saying “he kissed her with love and care”, show it!  Show how he’s kissing her.


Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Usually, I’m not really into tragedies…so I thought your story did okay.

Sub Total: 66/100

Bonus: 5/5

Total: 71/100

I’m really sorry for the review delay! >__<  Thanks for requesting from i-DEAS!  I hope you’ll request from us again!