Title: Kiss the Rain
Author: Yunni
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_rainfall
Reviewed by: Kira @ i-DEAS
Title: 3/5
It doesn’t catch my interest. The title is too common. I am glad it fits with the story well, but if I wasn’t reviewing this, the title does not draw me in to read it. It gives a good imagery with the story but I can only say that after I’ve actually read the story. I do like listening to the song while reading the story.
First Impression: 9/10
Very dreary and gloomy. But that’s okay because that’s what the story was like. I am quite impressed with the fact that the simplicity of poster and background actually interested me. The quote made me curious about the story. The softness of the poster was definitely intriguing. It was a change from the usual flamboyant and rich colored posters I’m used to seeing. Understandable, those tend to stand out more, but the poster definitely works well with the story. I can read the words without my brain exploding and the blue theme fits perfectly. Only issue I have is that I CANNOT tell that is TaeMin. It looks mysterious, but I think it would be better if I can still be able to tell who the male was.
Forewords: 9/10
I was definitely pulled in by the forewords. Your imagery was beautiful. I was really anticipating the story and yet I had no idea what to expect because you didn’t reveal too much of the plot. And I actually do like the fact that you explained where you got your inspiration because I feel like that is a good part of what forewords SHOULD have. However, I think the layout of everything was perhaps a bit too messy. To me, it would make sense to have the title and such first, either your author’s note or short excerpt next, and then end with the copyright. If you do have one of those categorization label things, then people want to see that first so they know what to expect before they read this story. You should include more sections in the label though, such as genre, rating, warnings, etc.
Plot: 5/15
Yah, I have no clue what the plot it. I am quite lost. I do get the sense that the girl and TaeMin must have had some sort of close history together and then something happened to break them apart. Now she came back to say goodbye? But I just…feel really, REALLY confused. .__. I think the plot was just TOO simple. There wasn’t enough foundation for this one-shot to build off of. I do think this is just too short. But it could have potentially been a great one-shot.
Creativity/Originality: 5/15
The basis of this plot I found overused and boring. It actually reminds me a bit of that DBSK drama, “Finding Lost Time,” at least the beginning, just the part in which TaeMin sees the girl through the crowd. I do like how you used the rain to compare with how TaeMin felt. How you conveyed the feeling was good. Perhaps if you continued the whole thing, you could continue to use the rain analogy and explain how the girl feels about rain afterwards since you said in the forewords that her view point changed.
Flow: 2/10
Umm…it was in sequential order? Admittedly, the story does in fact make sense on a timeline. However, I feel like it is WAY too choppy. This one-shot is more like just one scene out of a drama rather than a stand-alone story. It feels like you threw me into the story and then suddenly jerked me out.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9.5/10
So close to perfect! *sigh* It’s been awhile since I’ve read a story like that. Your sentence structures are good as well as your spelling. Vocabulary is fitting; not too complicated like I’m reading a quantum book, but not too simple that I feel like a kindergartener (although…I kind of act like one anyways, but that’s another story). Just two little things that I caught:
For this sentence:
"It's been a year," he finally managed after a moment.
Because the second sentence is not a speaking action such as “said,” the quotation would be a standalone sentence. So it would be this:
"It's been a year." He finally managed after a moment.
And then here:
Now, he stepped back inside the house, and, ignoring Key's protests on going outside, TaeMin went down to the streets.
You used way too many commas. You can just simplify the sentence to:
Now, he stepped back inside the house and ignoring Key's protests on going outside, TaeMin went down to the streets.
Characterization: 1/10
The story was way too short for me to really understand what the characters are really like. It is much too vague. It is possible that the girl and TaeMin dated before and something tore them apart so the girl couldn’t take the pressure anymore and had to say goodbye. It is possible that the girl is being completely too sensitive and misunderstood something that TaeMin did when he really meant well. It is possible that TaeMin made a gigantic mistake and the girl wants nothing to do with TaeMin now. I am unable to really get what the characters are like just from the story. I can only see what the situation is.
Writing Style: 9/10
Your writing style is very eloquent and I love your imagery. I think you did a good job in showing emotions such as the short and harsh one word sentences to show pain and suffering. Not to mention you use long and very detailed sentences to create a great image of what is going on.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It was too short. .__. I feel cheated from good writing.
Sub Total: 55.5/100
Bonus: 5/5
I can tell you are a good writer just from the forewords. I just wish you wrote more! *shakes fist angrily*
Total: 60.5/100
Showing posts with label kira. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kira. Show all posts
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Summer Dream by eternalflower
Title: Summer Dream
Title: 3/5
I usually don’t like song titles being used as a story title since it would not grab my attention on a normal basis if I was merely skimming through a bunch of stories. On the other hand, I am glad to find out that the title DID fit very well with the story itself. I definitely got the dream like feeling from the story, although I think “Stand By U” would have been a better title based on the deeper meaning of the story and the fact that the quote came from the song. But “Summer Dream” is not bad. (I realize that sounded a bit contradictory. All in all, your title is fine. I’m just being picky.)
First Impression: 7/10
I like the simplicity of the poster. It looks very nice with the black tint and sort of old movie like marks all over it. I feel it shows JaeJoong’s heart throughout the whole story quite well. However, the description threw me off a bit. I had a feel the plot was going to be very cliché and boring. One glimpse at the forewords and I decided to give it a chance. The format seemed interesting and well-written.
Forewords: 7/10
The foreword was very poetic. It was great how you used such colorful language to describe pretty much how JaeJoong was feeling for the beginning. The bolding of the two important parts was good. Not to mention it did a great job of catching my interest. My only issue is the description you put down. I feel as though that ruined pretty much the whole story. I already knew what the whole story was about before reading the story. I think if you got rid of the description, I think the forewords would be much better.
Plot: 10/15
Like I said before, the plot was very cliché. However, I liked how you wrote it. The story made me feel pretty warm and fluffy throughout the whole thing. The personality of JinHee was what made the story enjoyable. Because most of my points about the plot are also in other categories, I will leave it at that.
Creativity/Originality: 8/15
The plot has been done a hundred times over. It is one of the most easily used romantic plots. I could predict what could happen very accurately from the very beginning after I read the description. There were no twists or turns that surprised me. It was very straightforward and I am very big on originality. So this is the reason why your score is so low.
Flow: 10/10
The story flowed perfectly. Not a fan of cliché plots, but I do like the story because it was well-written. I saw no strange transitions in the story or anything out of the ordinary that had nothing to do with the story. Good job.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I didn’t have much of an issue with this. I am a stickler for this stuff though. So here are a few things that I caught.
For one thing, when you are quoting someone, you should only connect the sentences if the action is in fact a speaking action.
For example: Jaejoong raises his eyebrows, wiggling it up and down in flirting manner, “Want me to come with you?”
Since raising his eyebrows isn’t a speaking action such as “flirted” or something like that of some sort, there shouldn’t be a comma but a period. So the quotation would be a sentence on its own. And if the quotation has no relation to the action, then it should start a new paragraph. There also shouldn’t be more than two quotations in one paragraph.
So the sentence above should be either:
Jaejoong raises his eyebrows, wiggling it up and down in flirting manner. “Want me to come with you?”
or
Jaejoong raises his eyebrows, wiggling it up and down in flirting manner.
“Want me to come with you?”
Here’s another example:
“You deserve it, playboy! You’ve been seducing women with that finger, huh!” she stomps her feet, angrily, walking away from the pained Jaejoong.
I would fix it like this:
“You deserve it, playboy! You’ve been seducing women with that finger, huh!” She stomps her feet, angrily, walking away from the pained Jaejoong.
And here:
“Here. You dropped it.” He says.
Since “says” is a speaking action, “He” should be lowercase and the period should be a comma like this: “Here. You dropped it,” he says.
Characterization: 8/10
JinHee was characterized very well. I loved how you did not straight up tell me who she was but rather showed me through her actions and her words. I feel that proper characterization is making the characters unique to their personalities. The only issue I had was that I felt JinHee’s character was perhaps a bit bland. I felt that JinHee didn’t really have much flair to her. JaeJoong was done well. I liked how he seemed like a playboy but was really trying to get JinHee’s attention.
Writing Style: 9/10
You have a great writing style. I can imagine the scenes very clearly in my head with a bright sun shining down throughout. It felt warm and cozy. The point I took off was because of some of the dialog structure that I mentioned in the grammar part. I felt that it made the story seem a bit messy. Overall, keep up the good work.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
It was cliché, but I do like your writing style, which I think was what made all the difference and this story a success, a very cute couple too.
Sub Total: 76/100
Bonus: 5/5
I am a JaeJoong fan. XD Bad Kira for being subjective.
Total: 81/100
Author: eternalflower
Reviewer: Kira @ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
I usually don’t like song titles being used as a story title since it would not grab my attention on a normal basis if I was merely skimming through a bunch of stories. On the other hand, I am glad to find out that the title DID fit very well with the story itself. I definitely got the dream like feeling from the story, although I think “Stand By U” would have been a better title based on the deeper meaning of the story and the fact that the quote came from the song. But “Summer Dream” is not bad. (I realize that sounded a bit contradictory. All in all, your title is fine. I’m just being picky.)
First Impression: 7/10
I like the simplicity of the poster. It looks very nice with the black tint and sort of old movie like marks all over it. I feel it shows JaeJoong’s heart throughout the whole story quite well. However, the description threw me off a bit. I had a feel the plot was going to be very cliché and boring. One glimpse at the forewords and I decided to give it a chance. The format seemed interesting and well-written.
Forewords: 7/10
The foreword was very poetic. It was great how you used such colorful language to describe pretty much how JaeJoong was feeling for the beginning. The bolding of the two important parts was good. Not to mention it did a great job of catching my interest. My only issue is the description you put down. I feel as though that ruined pretty much the whole story. I already knew what the whole story was about before reading the story. I think if you got rid of the description, I think the forewords would be much better.
Plot: 10/15
Like I said before, the plot was very cliché. However, I liked how you wrote it. The story made me feel pretty warm and fluffy throughout the whole thing. The personality of JinHee was what made the story enjoyable. Because most of my points about the plot are also in other categories, I will leave it at that.
Creativity/Originality: 8/15
The plot has been done a hundred times over. It is one of the most easily used romantic plots. I could predict what could happen very accurately from the very beginning after I read the description. There were no twists or turns that surprised me. It was very straightforward and I am very big on originality. So this is the reason why your score is so low.
Flow: 10/10
The story flowed perfectly. Not a fan of cliché plots, but I do like the story because it was well-written. I saw no strange transitions in the story or anything out of the ordinary that had nothing to do with the story. Good job.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I didn’t have much of an issue with this. I am a stickler for this stuff though. So here are a few things that I caught.
For one thing, when you are quoting someone, you should only connect the sentences if the action is in fact a speaking action.
For example: Jaejoong raises his eyebrows, wiggling it up and down in flirting manner, “Want me to come with you?”
Since raising his eyebrows isn’t a speaking action such as “flirted” or something like that of some sort, there shouldn’t be a comma but a period. So the quotation would be a sentence on its own. And if the quotation has no relation to the action, then it should start a new paragraph. There also shouldn’t be more than two quotations in one paragraph.
So the sentence above should be either:
Jaejoong raises his eyebrows, wiggling it up and down in flirting manner. “Want me to come with you?”
or
Jaejoong raises his eyebrows, wiggling it up and down in flirting manner.
“Want me to come with you?”
Here’s another example:
“You deserve it, playboy! You’ve been seducing women with that finger, huh!” she stomps her feet, angrily, walking away from the pained Jaejoong.
I would fix it like this:
“You deserve it, playboy! You’ve been seducing women with that finger, huh!” She stomps her feet, angrily, walking away from the pained Jaejoong.
And here:
“Here. You dropped it.” He says.
Since “says” is a speaking action, “He” should be lowercase and the period should be a comma like this: “Here. You dropped it,” he says.
Characterization: 8/10
JinHee was characterized very well. I loved how you did not straight up tell me who she was but rather showed me through her actions and her words. I feel that proper characterization is making the characters unique to their personalities. The only issue I had was that I felt JinHee’s character was perhaps a bit bland. I felt that JinHee didn’t really have much flair to her. JaeJoong was done well. I liked how he seemed like a playboy but was really trying to get JinHee’s attention.
Writing Style: 9/10
You have a great writing style. I can imagine the scenes very clearly in my head with a bright sun shining down throughout. It felt warm and cozy. The point I took off was because of some of the dialog structure that I mentioned in the grammar part. I felt that it made the story seem a bit messy. Overall, keep up the good work.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
It was cliché, but I do like your writing style, which I think was what made all the difference and this story a success, a very cute couple too.
Sub Total: 76/100
Bonus: 5/5
I am a JaeJoong fan. XD Bad Kira for being subjective.
Total: 81/100
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Fallen Angel by Bhaby_aiya09
Author : Bhaby_aiya09
Title : The Fallen Angel
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ghostielun04
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Kira @ RawrOutLoud
Warning: This reviewer is not for the light hearts.
Title: 2/5
Not very original, and the random capitalizing of the l’s is a bit unnecessary. I get the sense that this is going to be one of those cliché chick flick plotlines. I don’t know, but it sort of makes me go, “Ugh, not another one of those stories.”
First Impression: 5/10
It’s nice that you did your own poster and what not. But umm…I think it looks a bit dull and dreary. Before I even read the story, I get a very dragging feeling that makes me gloomy and gray. So the first impression for me is really not very good. Then, the pink burns my eyes. At least the background doesn’t burn with it. After reading it, I didn’t really get the mysterious, foggy feeling that I was expecting to get from the story.
Forewords: 5/10
Well, it’s a bit discouraging when there’s a grammar error in the first sentence. And I feel like after reading the title and the foreword, there’s no need to read the rest. If I wasn’t reviewing, I’d be long gone. Perhaps the only thing that would make me stay is that fact that you said it’s a poem. Well, winglin forewords are fake forewords, but I guess I feel that the foreword should give me a sense of how you came across this idea or at least just a mysterious feeling of what is going to happen without revealing the plot.
Plot: 4/15
I suspected as much from the title it would be something about someone falling from the heavens and someone else helping the former to build up trust and love again. I was also a bit confused. I mean, for a poem, you leave a lot of superfluous details yet fail to explain some key points like why does Gui Gui love Aaron? I don’t know, seems more like Aaron didn’t actually fall in love with her rather just took her because she was the only one that supported him and perhaps out of lust too. Everything moved so fast, I really wasn’t quite sure what was going on.
Creativity/Originality: 5/15
I’ll give you points for attempting to write in poem format even though I feel like you just ended up writing a story without imagery. The plot was not to die for though. Been there, done that. There are probably hundreds of animes with same plot line but more extensive.
Flow: 5/10
I couldn’t follow. It was way too fast for me. I had no idea what was going on and before I knew it Aaron’s trying to get some from Gui Gui. They met and fell in love within the span of like…a few minutes. It’s like Romeo and Juliet on steroid-fast-forward. And I’m not talking about the plot either.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 3/10
Where to begin? Right, well, you can get away with a lot of things by writing in poem format like the subject-predicate and what not, but you still should make sense. I’m a bit confused as to why you decided to capitalize “Queen Wind” but not “king rain.” Just a little thing I noticed, but not all that important. You switched tenses a lot too. To the point that I was having a hard time following. I couldn’t really tell anymore if I was in present, past, future, or foresight. In fact, I couldn’t really tell if I was up or down. [Example: “The cloud was so dark, that it turns my wings into black…” You’re not very consistent considering how the first part is in past yet the second is in present. That’s almost the same as saying, this happened yesterday, today I jog. I’d change it to “The cloud was so dark, that it turned my wings into black” or “The cloud is so dark, that it turns my wings into black.”] I didn’t learn any new words. Considerably simple vocabulary.
Characterization: 2/10
Umm…who are these people? I have no clue Gui Gui and Aaron are. Perhaps you’re expecting people who read this to know these people since you’re a fan of this pairing, but I’m starting from scratch here and I get the sense the Gui Gui is a very happy-go-lucky girl who just spontaneously willing decides to dedicate her whole body and soul to this random dude who for all she knows could actually be a pedophile. And Aaron seems like some sort of emo, self-pitying, lusting, desperate guy. Now I know why he fell from heaven... But frankly, this is all from my own observation.
Writing Style: 2/10
I understand that you are trying to write in a poem format, but to put it simply, it really isn’t a poem. In the end, it’s more of a extremely cut-throat to the point story with lots of holes you can poke at like Swiss cheese. Poems use language in a cryptic manner to convey an idea for the most part. I think of poem as the visual art of writing. Your writing is also pretty sloppy. I mean, obviously, you didn’t even look this over even once after writing it.
Overall Enjoyment: 1/5
Sorry, but like I said before, if it wasn’t for the fact that I was reviewing this. I wouldn’t have read it. I gave you a point back since it was in poem format, so it was nice to see a change in style of writing.
Sub Total: 34/100
Bonus: 0/5
Total: 34/100
Title : The Fallen Angel
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ghostielun04
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Kira @ RawrOutLoud
Warning: This reviewer is not for the light hearts.
Title: 2/5
Not very original, and the random capitalizing of the l’s is a bit unnecessary. I get the sense that this is going to be one of those cliché chick flick plotlines. I don’t know, but it sort of makes me go, “Ugh, not another one of those stories.”
First Impression: 5/10
It’s nice that you did your own poster and what not. But umm…I think it looks a bit dull and dreary. Before I even read the story, I get a very dragging feeling that makes me gloomy and gray. So the first impression for me is really not very good. Then, the pink burns my eyes. At least the background doesn’t burn with it. After reading it, I didn’t really get the mysterious, foggy feeling that I was expecting to get from the story.
Forewords: 5/10
Well, it’s a bit discouraging when there’s a grammar error in the first sentence. And I feel like after reading the title and the foreword, there’s no need to read the rest. If I wasn’t reviewing, I’d be long gone. Perhaps the only thing that would make me stay is that fact that you said it’s a poem. Well, winglin forewords are fake forewords, but I guess I feel that the foreword should give me a sense of how you came across this idea or at least just a mysterious feeling of what is going to happen without revealing the plot.
Plot: 4/15
I suspected as much from the title it would be something about someone falling from the heavens and someone else helping the former to build up trust and love again. I was also a bit confused. I mean, for a poem, you leave a lot of superfluous details yet fail to explain some key points like why does Gui Gui love Aaron? I don’t know, seems more like Aaron didn’t actually fall in love with her rather just took her because she was the only one that supported him and perhaps out of lust too. Everything moved so fast, I really wasn’t quite sure what was going on.
Creativity/Originality: 5/15
I’ll give you points for attempting to write in poem format even though I feel like you just ended up writing a story without imagery. The plot was not to die for though. Been there, done that. There are probably hundreds of animes with same plot line but more extensive.
Flow: 5/10
I couldn’t follow. It was way too fast for me. I had no idea what was going on and before I knew it Aaron’s trying to get some from Gui Gui. They met and fell in love within the span of like…a few minutes. It’s like Romeo and Juliet on steroid-fast-forward. And I’m not talking about the plot either.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 3/10
Where to begin? Right, well, you can get away with a lot of things by writing in poem format like the subject-predicate and what not, but you still should make sense. I’m a bit confused as to why you decided to capitalize “Queen Wind” but not “king rain.” Just a little thing I noticed, but not all that important. You switched tenses a lot too. To the point that I was having a hard time following. I couldn’t really tell anymore if I was in present, past, future, or foresight. In fact, I couldn’t really tell if I was up or down. [Example: “The cloud was so dark, that it turns my wings into black…” You’re not very consistent considering how the first part is in past yet the second is in present. That’s almost the same as saying, this happened yesterday, today I jog. I’d change it to “The cloud was so dark, that it turned my wings into black” or “The cloud is so dark, that it turns my wings into black.”] I didn’t learn any new words. Considerably simple vocabulary.
Characterization: 2/10
Umm…who are these people? I have no clue Gui Gui and Aaron are. Perhaps you’re expecting people who read this to know these people since you’re a fan of this pairing, but I’m starting from scratch here and I get the sense the Gui Gui is a very happy-go-lucky girl who just spontaneously willing decides to dedicate her whole body and soul to this random dude who for all she knows could actually be a pedophile. And Aaron seems like some sort of emo, self-pitying, lusting, desperate guy. Now I know why he fell from heaven... But frankly, this is all from my own observation.
Writing Style: 2/10
I understand that you are trying to write in a poem format, but to put it simply, it really isn’t a poem. In the end, it’s more of a extremely cut-throat to the point story with lots of holes you can poke at like Swiss cheese. Poems use language in a cryptic manner to convey an idea for the most part. I think of poem as the visual art of writing. Your writing is also pretty sloppy. I mean, obviously, you didn’t even look this over even once after writing it.
Overall Enjoyment: 1/5
Sorry, but like I said before, if it wasn’t for the fact that I was reviewing this. I wouldn’t have read it. I gave you a point back since it was in poem format, so it was nice to see a change in style of writing.
Sub Total: 34/100
Bonus: 0/5
Total: 34/100
Monday, March 30, 2009
Why Not? by penelope
Author : penelope
Title : Why Not?
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/penelope1/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Kira @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
NOTE : I will warn you, now. I am harsh and blunt, but fair. This is my impartial dissection of what I think of the story as a literary piece of work (minus the overall enjoyment part). Once again, I have nothing against you.
Title: 3/5
Eh, I’m not impressed. I have seen this title used more than a few times. It’s not original. The only reason I gave you a higher score was because it fit well with the story at least. It’s not very appealing though.
Poster/Background: -/10
Don’t have one, so I guess I’ll omit this section.
Forewords: 2/10
Your foreword is PRETTY much nonexistent. The only background information you really gave was main characters and ages. For those that are just starting to read it, it won’t catch their attention other than the fact that JaeJoong is one of the main characters. Perhaps a teaser, description of settings, background information, just a little something to get readers interested to read on for the story.
Plot: 10/15
Been there, done that feeling. Although I must say, some parts toward the last few chapters were more interesting and less predictable. From the beginning though, I have to say I had a pretty good feeling what’s was going to happen next and such. Forbidden relationship between a guy that is super popular and a girl who’s not so popular but the two won’t admit it to each other and oblivious to the other’s affection. The girl feels too much pressure from everyone else. I have to say toward the end I was a bit surprised by the fact that they were related. The shower scene I found funny.
Creativity/Originality: 5/15
This is your typical high school/college cliché storyline. Like I said, I could pretty much predict what was going to happen before it happened. Being sent to jail for kidnap is a bit more extreme than most of these typical storylines. I found the cell mate/jail mate to be nicer than most criminals, so that was interesting. The shower scene was different. Most stories just have the guy hide under the bed or in the closet or something. The confession was a bit original since it isn’t just the typical, “I love you,” and then it’s over.
Flow: 9/10
Everything comes together pretty nicely. The story isn’t too choppy, jumping from one place to another randomly and the rate at which events occur makes sense. The biggest complaint I have is just the part with the parents and the revelation about them being related seemed to have pop out of no where. I don’t have much else to say about this section.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I don’t see many spelling errors and the vocabulary is considerably basic but used correctly. Syntax wise, you’re good. Some of your sentences are a bit rambling and the dialogue could use some cleaning up, but other than that, I don’t see too big of a problem. I find this section pretty important because I can’t stand reading stories that are a jumbled up mess of spelling/grammar errors, so thank you for keeping it clean. A consistent error you seem to have is on the speaking quotes. There always needs to be a punctuation mark in between the end of the sentence and the closing quotation mark. If it is a starting quote and supposed to end in a period, then the punctuation mark should be a comma.
Example:
"You're right" he admitted, tightly holding you.
changes to
"You're right," he admitted, tightly holding you.
and
"No, I'm good" he mumbled.
changes to
"No, I'm good," he mumbled.
Also, there should be at most two separate quotation in each paragraph and if so, the speaker should be the same. So…
Example:
"Oppa!" you smiled holding your laughter, "What?!" he questioned, "This is the ladies room!" you burst out laughing.
Not only is it a run on sentence, you have JaeJoong and the girl speaking in the same paragraph.
Change:
"Oppa!" you smiled holding your laughter.
"What?!" he questioned.
"This is the ladies room!" you burst out laughing.
Quotations are weird and confusing, so it’s understandable. You did very well in quoting in comparison to most other writers I have seen.
Just as a side comment, I find it odd that you have your characters cursing, but you censor them.
Characterization: 5/10
Maybe it’s because of the writing, but all your characters seem very 2-D and plain. None of the characters really jump out at you and say, this is who I am. They are very storybook cliché. JaeJoong’s the kingka that will do anything for the girl he loves. “You” are the less popular girl who is confused as to what to do even though you love JaeJoong. YunHo’s the party animal. YooChun’s the good friend that tries to knock some sense into JaeJoong. The parents are the disapproving kind that keeps the relationship forbidden. I feel like all the characters (so far) are considerably static. They don’t grow from experience except maybe JaeJoong and “you” from realization their love for each other.
Writing Style: 5/10
Everything is a bit too straightforward and plain. You could add more details in your descriptions of their movements, surroundings, etc. Your sentence structures are all pretty similar and basic. Over half of your writing is just dialogue. Dialogue does make for an interesting story, but it doesn’t make a story. It’s nice that people are interacting, but when I read your story, I feel like there’s a large empty, blank space behind them. Imagery is very important in stories. However, one good thing about being straightforward is that you are good at getting your point across. You don’t confuse your readers by using words you don’t know how to use, which I’m glad because it annoys me when people try to sound intelligent with big words but don’t know how to use them. Still, details make stories come to life, so try to add a bit more literary devices.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I’m not that much of a fan of “you” stories all that much. Because in reality, the “you” could not possible be the reader, just the omission of the main character’s name. The female protagonist has a set personality (like she should have), but I’m sure your readers all have different personalities. So “you” is just readers being thrown in the perspective from the girl’s point of view, not really the reader’s own point of view. (Am I making sense?) I think it would be better if the main character has a name and just have the reader’s follow her point of view. But this is just my semi-bias opinion of that as I understand some readers do like the fact that they are able to be in the story even if it is in a non-personal manner. However, I also felt the story was a bit bland, too. But then again, to each their own.
Sub Total: 50/90
Bonus: 5/5
I can tell you work hard to please your readers, so I give you full bonus. :) I also feel bad for not getting this to you earlier because I’ve been insanely busy. =.=
Total: 55/90
Title : Why Not?
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/penelope1/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Kira @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
NOTE : I will warn you, now. I am harsh and blunt, but fair. This is my impartial dissection of what I think of the story as a literary piece of work (minus the overall enjoyment part). Once again, I have nothing against you.
Title: 3/5
Eh, I’m not impressed. I have seen this title used more than a few times. It’s not original. The only reason I gave you a higher score was because it fit well with the story at least. It’s not very appealing though.
Poster/Background: -/10
Don’t have one, so I guess I’ll omit this section.
Forewords: 2/10
Your foreword is PRETTY much nonexistent. The only background information you really gave was main characters and ages. For those that are just starting to read it, it won’t catch their attention other than the fact that JaeJoong is one of the main characters. Perhaps a teaser, description of settings, background information, just a little something to get readers interested to read on for the story.
Plot: 10/15
Been there, done that feeling. Although I must say, some parts toward the last few chapters were more interesting and less predictable. From the beginning though, I have to say I had a pretty good feeling what’s was going to happen next and such. Forbidden relationship between a guy that is super popular and a girl who’s not so popular but the two won’t admit it to each other and oblivious to the other’s affection. The girl feels too much pressure from everyone else. I have to say toward the end I was a bit surprised by the fact that they were related. The shower scene I found funny.
Creativity/Originality: 5/15
This is your typical high school/college cliché storyline. Like I said, I could pretty much predict what was going to happen before it happened. Being sent to jail for kidnap is a bit more extreme than most of these typical storylines. I found the cell mate/jail mate to be nicer than most criminals, so that was interesting. The shower scene was different. Most stories just have the guy hide under the bed or in the closet or something. The confession was a bit original since it isn’t just the typical, “I love you,” and then it’s over.
Flow: 9/10
Everything comes together pretty nicely. The story isn’t too choppy, jumping from one place to another randomly and the rate at which events occur makes sense. The biggest complaint I have is just the part with the parents and the revelation about them being related seemed to have pop out of no where. I don’t have much else to say about this section.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I don’t see many spelling errors and the vocabulary is considerably basic but used correctly. Syntax wise, you’re good. Some of your sentences are a bit rambling and the dialogue could use some cleaning up, but other than that, I don’t see too big of a problem. I find this section pretty important because I can’t stand reading stories that are a jumbled up mess of spelling/grammar errors, so thank you for keeping it clean. A consistent error you seem to have is on the speaking quotes. There always needs to be a punctuation mark in between the end of the sentence and the closing quotation mark. If it is a starting quote and supposed to end in a period, then the punctuation mark should be a comma.
Example:
"You're right" he admitted, tightly holding you.
changes to
"You're right," he admitted, tightly holding you.
and
"No, I'm good" he mumbled.
changes to
"No, I'm good," he mumbled.
Also, there should be at most two separate quotation in each paragraph and if so, the speaker should be the same. So…
Example:
"Oppa!" you smiled holding your laughter, "What?!" he questioned, "This is the ladies room!" you burst out laughing.
Not only is it a run on sentence, you have JaeJoong and the girl speaking in the same paragraph.
Change:
"Oppa!" you smiled holding your laughter.
"What?!" he questioned.
"This is the ladies room!" you burst out laughing.
Quotations are weird and confusing, so it’s understandable. You did very well in quoting in comparison to most other writers I have seen.
Just as a side comment, I find it odd that you have your characters cursing, but you censor them.
Characterization: 5/10
Maybe it’s because of the writing, but all your characters seem very 2-D and plain. None of the characters really jump out at you and say, this is who I am. They are very storybook cliché. JaeJoong’s the kingka that will do anything for the girl he loves. “You” are the less popular girl who is confused as to what to do even though you love JaeJoong. YunHo’s the party animal. YooChun’s the good friend that tries to knock some sense into JaeJoong. The parents are the disapproving kind that keeps the relationship forbidden. I feel like all the characters (so far) are considerably static. They don’t grow from experience except maybe JaeJoong and “you” from realization their love for each other.
Writing Style: 5/10
Everything is a bit too straightforward and plain. You could add more details in your descriptions of their movements, surroundings, etc. Your sentence structures are all pretty similar and basic. Over half of your writing is just dialogue. Dialogue does make for an interesting story, but it doesn’t make a story. It’s nice that people are interacting, but when I read your story, I feel like there’s a large empty, blank space behind them. Imagery is very important in stories. However, one good thing about being straightforward is that you are good at getting your point across. You don’t confuse your readers by using words you don’t know how to use, which I’m glad because it annoys me when people try to sound intelligent with big words but don’t know how to use them. Still, details make stories come to life, so try to add a bit more literary devices.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I’m not that much of a fan of “you” stories all that much. Because in reality, the “you” could not possible be the reader, just the omission of the main character’s name. The female protagonist has a set personality (like she should have), but I’m sure your readers all have different personalities. So “you” is just readers being thrown in the perspective from the girl’s point of view, not really the reader’s own point of view. (Am I making sense?) I think it would be better if the main character has a name and just have the reader’s follow her point of view. But this is just my semi-bias opinion of that as I understand some readers do like the fact that they are able to be in the story even if it is in a non-personal manner. However, I also felt the story was a bit bland, too. But then again, to each their own.
Sub Total: 50/90
Bonus: 5/5
I can tell you work hard to please your readers, so I give you full bonus. :) I also feel bad for not getting this to you earlier because I’ve been insanely busy. =.=
Total: 55/90
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