Why Not? by penelope

Author : penelope
Title : Why Not?
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/penelope1/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Kira @ RawrOutLoud

Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.

NOTE : I will warn you, now. I am harsh and blunt, but fair. This is my impartial dissection of what I think of the story as a literary piece of work (minus the overall enjoyment part). Once again, I have nothing against you.

Title: 3/5
Eh, I’m not impressed. I have seen this title used more than a few times. It’s not original. The only reason I gave you a higher score was because it fit well with the story at least. It’s not very appealing though.

Poster/Background: -/10
Don’t have one, so I guess I’ll omit this section.

Forewords: 2/10
Your foreword is PRETTY much nonexistent. The only background information you really gave was main characters and ages. For those that are just starting to read it, it won’t catch their attention other than the fact that JaeJoong is one of the main characters. Perhaps a teaser, description of settings, background information, just a little something to get readers interested to read on for the story.

Plot: 10/15
Been there, done that feeling. Although I must say, some parts toward the last few chapters were more interesting and less predictable. From the beginning though, I have to say I had a pretty good feeling what’s was going to happen next and such. Forbidden relationship between a guy that is super popular and a girl who’s not so popular but the two won’t admit it to each other and oblivious to the other’s affection. The girl feels too much pressure from everyone else. I have to say toward the end I was a bit surprised by the fact that they were related. The shower scene I found funny.

Creativity/Originality: 5/15
This is your typical high school/college cliché storyline. Like I said, I could pretty much predict what was going to happen before it happened. Being sent to jail for kidnap is a bit more extreme than most of these typical storylines. I found the cell mate/jail mate to be nicer than most criminals, so that was interesting. The shower scene was different. Most stories just have the guy hide under the bed or in the closet or something. The confession was a bit original since it isn’t just the typical, “I love you,” and then it’s over.

Flow: 9/10
Everything comes together pretty nicely. The story isn’t too choppy, jumping from one place to another randomly and the rate at which events occur makes sense. The biggest complaint I have is just the part with the parents and the revelation about them being related seemed to have pop out of no where. I don’t have much else to say about this section.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I don’t see many spelling errors and the vocabulary is considerably basic but used correctly. Syntax wise, you’re good. Some of your sentences are a bit rambling and the dialogue could use some cleaning up, but other than that, I don’t see too big of a problem. I find this section pretty important because I can’t stand reading stories that are a jumbled up mess of spelling/grammar errors, so thank you for keeping it clean. A consistent error you seem to have is on the speaking quotes. There always needs to be a punctuation mark in between the end of the sentence and the closing quotation mark. If it is a starting quote and supposed to end in a period, then the punctuation mark should be a comma.
Example:
"You're right" he admitted, tightly holding you.
changes to
"You're right," he admitted, tightly holding you.
and
"No, I'm good" he mumbled.
changes to
"No, I'm good," he mumbled.
Also, there should be at most two separate quotation in each paragraph and if so, the speaker should be the same. So…
Example:
"Oppa!" you smiled holding your laughter, "What?!" he questioned, "This is the ladies room!" you burst out laughing.
Not only is it a run on sentence, you have JaeJoong and the girl speaking in the same paragraph.
Change:
"Oppa!" you smiled holding your laughter.
"What?!" he questioned.
"This is the ladies room!" you burst out laughing.
Quotations are weird and confusing, so it’s understandable. You did very well in quoting in comparison to most other writers I have seen.
Just as a side comment, I find it odd that you have your characters cursing, but you censor them.

Characterization: 5/10
Maybe it’s because of the writing, but all your characters seem very 2-D and plain. None of the characters really jump out at you and say, this is who I am. They are very storybook cliché. JaeJoong’s the kingka that will do anything for the girl he loves. “You” are the less popular girl who is confused as to what to do even though you love JaeJoong. YunHo’s the party animal. YooChun’s the good friend that tries to knock some sense into JaeJoong. The parents are the disapproving kind that keeps the relationship forbidden. I feel like all the characters (so far) are considerably static. They don’t grow from experience except maybe JaeJoong and “you” from realization their love for each other.

Writing Style: 5/10
Everything is a bit too straightforward and plain. You could add more details in your descriptions of their movements, surroundings, etc. Your sentence structures are all pretty similar and basic. Over half of your writing is just dialogue. Dialogue does make for an interesting story, but it doesn’t make a story. It’s nice that people are interacting, but when I read your story, I feel like there’s a large empty, blank space behind them. Imagery is very important in stories. However, one good thing about being straightforward is that you are good at getting your point across. You don’t confuse your readers by using words you don’t know how to use, which I’m glad because it annoys me when people try to sound intelligent with big words but don’t know how to use them. Still, details make stories come to life, so try to add a bit more literary devices.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I’m not that much of a fan of “you” stories all that much. Because in reality, the “you” could not possible be the reader, just the omission of the main character’s name. The female protagonist has a set personality (like she should have), but I’m sure your readers all have different personalities. So “you” is just readers being thrown in the perspective from the girl’s point of view, not really the reader’s own point of view. (Am I making sense?) I think it would be better if the main character has a name and just have the reader’s follow her point of view. But this is just my semi-bias opinion of that as I understand some readers do like the fact that they are able to be in the story even if it is in a non-personal manner. However, I also felt the story was a bit bland, too. But then again, to each their own.

Sub Total: 50/90

Bonus: 5/5
I can tell you work hard to please your readers, so I give you full bonus. :) I also feel bad for not getting this to you earlier because I’ve been insanely busy. =.=

Total: 55/90