My one and only Yoochun by Samantha

Title : My one and only Yoochun
Author : Samantha
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/BB_devilheart/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Mickey @ RawrOutLoud

Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.

Title: 3/5
I guess the title fit with the story, although it didn’t catch my attention at all. If I were to see this on the site, I would just pass by it.

Poster/Background: 7/10
The poster was really pretty, but I can’t say it’s the best one. The green didn’t really go for my eyes. And when I saw the picture, I thought that Yoochun and Changmin were going to be fighting over the girl. Not Changmin being the brother, while Yoochun & us readers being in a relationship.

Forewords: 4/10
The forewords was really boring to me. It had a simple paragraph of what the story would be about, and I know that the personality for the readers is our own, but you could have described a little bit about Yoochun & Changmin.

Plot: 9/15
This plot is very cliché. Guy breaks up with the girl, girl gets mad so she gets another man to make her ex-boyfriend jealous. I’ve read this a lot of times. The guy is a nobody, but suddenly gets noticed by the most popular girl in school, cliché.

Creativity/Originality: 9/15
Again, no creativity nor originality. While I was reading, I was able to predict everything that was going to happen, and that’s NOT a good thing. Your trying to make the readers more into the story and make them want more.

Flow: 4/10
The flow was WAY to fast. In every chapter, you kept saying -one week later- or -two weeks later- etc. You should have described what happened those days. I didn’t know what was going on because the time just went by too fast. At first, Yoochun was a nobody and then all of a sudden the readers are already in a relationship with Yoochun.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
I saw A LOT of spelling and grammar mistakes. The spelling and grammar mistakes got in the way of me trying to understand what was going on. Try to re-read and proofread your writing before posting them.

Characterization: 5/10
This was really hard for me to find out. At first, Yoochun was a nobody but suddenly got noticed by the most popular girl at school. Yoochun is best friends with the most popular girl in school, but yet he’s not noticed. I don’t get that. The only one I was able to figure out was Changmin. He’s very careful and overprotective with his younger sister.

Writing Style: 4/10
Your writing was way to hard to understand. I had to re-read over and over again to understand what was going on. Instead of putting every together, there should be some space in between the lines so that it would be easier to read. When I was reading this, it literally made me go, ‘GAHD’ Also when you write about what the characters are thinking, instead of writing what the people are thinking in the middle of the sentence, you should put a P.O.V or something.

You wrote :
"_____________ I know its not anyones fault. *YOOCHUN* thought Changmin. So don't cry and I'll take you I told Yoochun I'll take care of you and my unborn niece or nephew so don't cry and lets go." smiled Changmin patting your head.

It could be something like :
Changmin’ s P.O.V
“___________ I know its not anyone’s fault, so don’t cry. I’ll take you to the doctors, so don’t worry. Plus I told Yoochun that I’ll take care of you and the unborn baby, who could be my nephew or niece” I smiled, patting my sisters head.

*UGH, Yoochun* I thought to myself.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I didn’t really enjoy this story as much as I thought I would.

Sub Total: 50/100

Bonus: 2/5
Keep up the good work ! And I know this is a bad score, but don’t feel bad about it. Reviews are supposed to help the writers with their writing.

Total: 52/100