The Fallen Angel by Bhaby_aiya09

Author : Bhaby_aiya09
Title : The Fallen Angel
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ghostielun04
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Kira @ RawrOutLoud

Warning: This reviewer is not for the light hearts.

Title: 2/5
Not very original, and the random capitalizing of the l’s is a bit unnecessary. I get the sense that this is going to be one of those cliché chick flick plotlines. I don’t know, but it sort of makes me go, “Ugh, not another one of those stories.”

First Impression: 5/10
It’s nice that you did your own poster and what not. But umm…I think it looks a bit dull and dreary. Before I even read the story, I get a very dragging feeling that makes me gloomy and gray. So the first impression for me is really not very good. Then, the pink burns my eyes. At least the background doesn’t burn with it. After reading it, I didn’t really get the mysterious, foggy feeling that I was expecting to get from the story.

Forewords: 5/10
Well, it’s a bit discouraging when there’s a grammar error in the first sentence. And I feel like after reading the title and the foreword, there’s no need to read the rest. If I wasn’t reviewing, I’d be long gone. Perhaps the only thing that would make me stay is that fact that you said it’s a poem. Well, winglin forewords are fake forewords, but I guess I feel that the foreword should give me a sense of how you came across this idea or at least just a mysterious feeling of what is going to happen without revealing the plot.

Plot: 4/15
I suspected as much from the title it would be something about someone falling from the heavens and someone else helping the former to build up trust and love again. I was also a bit confused. I mean, for a poem, you leave a lot of superfluous details yet fail to explain some key points like why does Gui Gui love Aaron? I don’t know, seems more like Aaron didn’t actually fall in love with her rather just took her because she was the only one that supported him and perhaps out of lust too. Everything moved so fast, I really wasn’t quite sure what was going on.

Creativity/Originality: 5/15
I’ll give you points for attempting to write in poem format even though I feel like you just ended up writing a story without imagery. The plot was not to die for though. Been there, done that. There are probably hundreds of animes with same plot line but more extensive.

Flow: 5/10
I couldn’t follow. It was way too fast for me. I had no idea what was going on and before I knew it Aaron’s trying to get some from Gui Gui. They met and fell in love within the span of like…a few minutes. It’s like Romeo and Juliet on steroid-fast-forward. And I’m not talking about the plot either.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 3/10
Where to begin? Right, well, you can get away with a lot of things by writing in poem format like the subject-predicate and what not, but you still should make sense. I’m a bit confused as to why you decided to capitalize “Queen Wind” but not “king rain.” Just a little thing I noticed, but not all that important. You switched tenses a lot too. To the point that I was having a hard time following. I couldn’t really tell anymore if I was in present, past, future, or foresight. In fact, I couldn’t really tell if I was up or down. [Example: “The cloud was so dark, that it turns my wings into black…” You’re not very consistent considering how the first part is in past yet the second is in present. That’s almost the same as saying, this happened yesterday, today I jog. I’d change it to “The cloud was so dark, that it turned my wings into black” or “The cloud is so dark, that it turns my wings into black.”] I didn’t learn any new words. Considerably simple vocabulary.

Characterization: 2/10
Umm…who are these people? I have no clue Gui Gui and Aaron are. Perhaps you’re expecting people who read this to know these people since you’re a fan of this pairing, but I’m starting from scratch here and I get the sense the Gui Gui is a very happy-go-lucky girl who just spontaneously willing decides to dedicate her whole body and soul to this random dude who for all she knows could actually be a pedophile. And Aaron seems like some sort of emo, self-pitying, lusting, desperate guy. Now I know why he fell from heaven... But frankly, this is all from my own observation.

Writing Style: 2/10
I understand that you are trying to write in a poem format, but to put it simply, it really isn’t a poem. In the end, it’s more of a extremely cut-throat to the point story with lots of holes you can poke at like Swiss cheese. Poems use language in a cryptic manner to convey an idea for the most part. I think of poem as the visual art of writing. Your writing is also pretty sloppy. I mean, obviously, you didn’t even look this over even once after writing it.

Overall Enjoyment: 1/5
Sorry, but like I said before, if it wasn’t for the fact that I was reviewing this. I wouldn’t have read it. I gave you a point back since it was in poem format, so it was nice to see a change in style of writing.

Sub Total: 34/100

Bonus: 0/5

Total: 34/100