1000 wishes for you by Beyla

Author : Beyla
Title : 1000 wishes for you
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/beyla_1000wish/
Status : One-Shot, completed.
Reviewer : Anna @ RawrOutLoud


Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.

Title : 5/5
I simply love the title although I must say that it is pretty old-fashioned kind of way to portray the story. Like, having those crazy wishes on cranes, origami, and etc, but I like it. Sometimes, old fashioned seems to attract more, like what this title did to me. Frankly, it gave me the sort of feeling about a heart-touching story (which I really love to read).

First impression : 8/10
Of course, my first impression on this story wasn't that bad since I totally love your poster. However, later after the story ended, I noticed that you combined all the stories together in one link, causing you to remove the individual posters. This is bad because readers cannot see the poster you have made for '1000 wishes for you'. In case you still want to compile the one-shots, perhaps you can include the poster link on top of the story (I know you've put it in the forewords but doing it in the one-shot itself won't hurt) so the readers can check it if they want to. Overall, nothing actually matters because your posters are really great.

Forewords : -/10
Basically, I'm not going to count this part since your forewords consist of little summaries of different one-shots. I like the way you do it and it shows that you're clearly trying to tell your readers about your stories. As I said, If I were to count this one in, you may get lower mark but I'm completely not counting this on so it could stay on the positive side.

Plot : 12/15
First of all, the plot is a little bit confusing to start from, don't you think? It makes Jaejoong looks like some sort of convict, trying to escape from hell-doom. There is something I wanted to touch on since reading it, the organization of the plot. Let's begin, shall we? Okay, your plot is very well thought of but I am confident than you can do something better than this. I like your plot, but I don't want to give you perfect score since I know you can do better. You're a great writer and you should know how to adjust some parts in your plot. The beginning of the story, I suggest should run with some descriptive writing and not direct speech right over. It's like switching on the TV and before you could even sit down, the action already starts (I kind of get bored watching those kind of movies). So go with a brief explaination of either Jaejoong's life or what he was thinking, maybe it could be better.

Creativity/ Originality : 11/15
I decided to not deduct the score too much because you did your own posters and I thought that it was rather very creative to have your poster change every time a new one-shot is out. Most author wouldn't bother to do that but you did, so well done. Talk about originality, it wasn't that original, but not too overly used either. Maybe your twists in the story made it better. 1000 wishes for you, it should talk about wishes right? Yes, I do feel that the 'wishes' are emphasized here, but I was expecting more because I know that you can make full use of your talent. Try to make deep impression on the wishes so your readers will always remember this fic. Besides, it can increase your originality.

Flow : 7/10
The starting was quite slow and a bit draggy while some parts were just too superfluous, which surprises me. You know, coming to the ending, it was actually a bit abrupt. I don't have a perfect reason for this, but maybe it is because of your slow starting but ended up with such ending. This story suits more as two-shots or even a short story, but not really that 'objective' as one-shot. Why? It is because your one-shot is pretty long. There's nothing wrong with writing long one-shots, but some readers will get bored right in the middle part. Writers tend to include some unimportant scenes in the middle part of the story, causing it to go very boring. One the other hand, your story could still be written as one-shot, but remember to only pick those important lines and deep scenes. Avoid writing in superfluous style, it totally kills readers. Long one-shot doesn't mean it is good, but nice try in attempting it. I like it in a way –honestly.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 7/10
Your language is good, but remember that you also have some mistakes in tenses (maybe you didn't notice it or you didn't proofread it, but that's okay. I hate proofreading too).

Here's some.

-“Give me that tape” the man in black suit said threatening him at gunpoint. He was anonymously dressed. Black suit and black sunglasses. There was no way of recognizing him. Even if he could get a picture of this man it would be difficult to look up for his profile.

~*”Give me that tape,” the man in black suit threatened him at gunpoint. He donned such an anonymous attire, with black, dull sunglasses to cover his eyes. It made it hard for anyone to recognize him and check for his profile, even with his picture being secretly taken.

Reason: After the direct speech, remember to put a comma. At first, you already mentioned that the man was in black suit was threatening him, so there is no need to say it again with 'Black suit and black sunglasses'. You might want to take note of this, do not make choppy sentences. Like, ' He was anonymously dressed. Black suit and black sunglasses. There was no way of recognizing him.' It would be better if you combine the lines together so the sentence doesn't sound so choppy. Example, 'He was anonymously dressed with black suit and black sunglasses, making it no way for anyone to recognize him.'

-Jaejoong felt so thirsty as he looked at a glass of water sitting on the bedside table longingly

~* Jaejoong felt so thirsty as he looked longingly at the glass of water placed on the bedside table.

Reason: Were you trying to tell that he was looking longingly at the object or you were trying to say that the object was sitting longingly on the table? And glass of water doesn't really 'sit' (even if it is figuratively, it is still quite funny), it can either rest or being placed.

Characterization : 9/10
Yeah, you did mention about the characters' pasts but I don't think you elaborated their personalities enough, especially Jaejoong. The rest was okay.

Writing style : 9/10
Apart from being superfluous, I think you managed the rest really well :)

Overall enjoyment : 4/5
Yes, I do. No doubts there.

Sub total : 72/90

Bonus : 2/5
For making your own poster :D

Total : 74/90 = 82%
Well done :D