Oh, Brother! by Beyla

Author : Beyla
Title : Oh, Brother!
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/beyla_1000wish/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ i-DEAS (ROL)


Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.

Title : 5/5
The title is cute and since it is quite rare in winglin, I'm giving you a perfect score. The reason for this is because I like the way you use the title to portray the emotion of the youngest boy in a family. Well done.

First impression : 9/10
You don't have the link up yet, so make sure you put it in. Well, since I have seen the poster earlier, I know how it looks like. I really adore the color, the texture and also the perfect saturation. The plain background makes everything works well so I have nothing much to complain, keep up the good artwork.

Forewords : -/10

Plot : 11/15
At some points, there are few unnecessary touch made to compliment the story; this is why your story looks long. You concentrated on some unimportant lines and they made the story more predictable and not classy. Try to arrange your plot neatly so it won't look boring and draggy. I like, somehow, how you work hard to bring out the plot because I can see that you're trying to bring out your ideas to the readers, which is good. I think the only problem is the plot management. Make sure you know which are the important ones and which aren't so you won't make the story looks as if it is trailed off.

Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
You put some humor into the story, making it more juicy and not plain. Every characters are unique and you didn't miss out on any of them. However, despite the fact that it's creative with the humor and such, I don't think it is original enough. Original stories are hard to find, I admit. Your storyline is confirmed 100% yours but I can't give you perfect score in this because I believe you can make something that worths the originality. Think about it again and try making conclusions why I think you can do better. Easy, it's because you have the chance to develop you writing style, the type of humor and such, yet I can see only few. Perhaps the next one will show the originality more? ^^

Flow : 8/10
Like I said in the previous review, long one-shots are fine but it can lead the readers to boredom (unless you know how to make super duper dynamic twist to grab their attention back).Try to reduce the unnecessary ones, like what I mentioned about the plot management. I don't know if you purposely made it long or what, but I really think that if it is a bit shorter, it would be great. (Although too short is considered very improper, so don't do too short one-shots). Still, I think this length is good, but concentrate more on the content.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 7/10
I noticed that some of your sentences are choppy, use linking words to combine them. Most of your mistakes have been pointed out, so I am not going to repeat that.

Just pointing out some-

Well first of all my parents will not be around to celebrate it with me.
-Well first of all, my parents will not be around to celebrate it with me.

They’re busy like that of course it’s all because of us too (just fragment error)

-They're busy because of us too.




In an instance I knew whose voice it was that was calling my name.

-In an instance, I knew whose voice it was that called my name. (Because the action isn't continuous, so you don't have to put it in continuous past tense. Jaejoong called him only one, and he received the attention once. This actually depends on how you want the emotion to be. Yours isn't considered wrong, but I am just putting it up so you can know the difference. If you want to make it sound like it is on-going, then what you did is right).




Eventhough I felt like I was treated unjustly I just smiled.

-Even though I felt like I was treated unjustly, I just smiled.




And you might want to consider using a better vocabulary to emphasize the characters' feelings.




Characterization : 9/10
You mentioned and described all of the characters, so it's good. But Changmin's character seems to be a little drowned, maybe because of the presence of other characters. It makes Changmin look as if he's not the main one speaking.

Writing style : 8/10
Random writing style makes me laugh because it is just too cute, but I know you can improve by making it neat. Know where to put proper commas, and revise the direct speech format.

Overall enjoyment : 3/5
Enjoyed it, evenly funny and warm.

Sub total : 73/90

Bonus : 2/5
For the awesome poster. :)

Total : 75/90 = 83%