Hello Again by Minnie

Author : Minnie
Title : Hello Again
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MinnieO1/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ i-DEAS (ROL)


Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.

Title : 3/5
I don't see a strong connection between the title and the story. The title itself shows some melancholic mood, but it isn't quite alluring. Although I was tempted to check the story out, it later gave me such a heavy feeling whether to click the link or not. I'm not saying that the title isn't good; it is good, but it doesn't link much to what your story is telling. The only part that makes sense is when Junsu said goodbye to her at the end, which was a bit abrupt.

First impression : 4/10
Red font color against red background totally killed the mood. I had difficulty to read as I went on exploring the story; it was too hard to read. I like your effort in making the poster all by yourself, it shows that you have potential to this story and you know how to picture the characters' emotions into the poster. However, it's quite messy and the erasing of edges makes it more improper. Here's what you can do –practice blending and get the right font. I know that not all of us can do perfect blending and not all can photoshop, but that doesn't excuse you from making a good poster. If you can't do blending, you can place the picture side by side and decorate it with some other nice borders. Do not use red as the color font for the poster. You have black poster background and red font color, both of them are dark. Thus, the letters/wordings on the poster are drowned by the black background. You still get mark for this because of the effort, I like it.

Forewords : 5/10
It's short but I'm impressed enough –I'm glad that you didn't leave the forewords bare and unoccupied. The forewords tell me that the girl is wanting the boy back, but at that point, I don't understand why you have to name the title as 'Hello Again'. Seeing your poster, there is this quote saying, 'I regretted, I said goodbye but now, I'm going to say hello again.' and I thought that it is on the male's POV. Turns out that the girl was the one saying 'Hello again' (although Junsu was the one who regretted it). I was hoping that your foreword would explain more on this, but you didn't and that made me disappointed. It left me confused until I read the first chapter. Foreword is important, I don't know how many times I have said this but forewords are really important. Know how to lead a good introduction in your foreword and if you can, emphasize on the title more so that your readers would want to continue reading.

Plot : 9/15
The plot is confusing and it's like reading a diary and not a story. You described everything that they did; watching the movies, going to the restaurant and the corresponding acts. It's not plotted really well because I cannot feel what is the real thing that was going on between them. Imagine having to go out, chat, watch movies, eat at a restaurant, and then... saying goodbye? Isn't it a bit too... I don't know, but I feel that describing what they did wasn't appropriate. Like when you mentioned that Jaejoong has a restaurant and Junsu and KyungMi received special treatment just cause Jaejoong is their friend. You don't need to explain that, because you lose control over the characters' personality by doing so. You can do that, but make you you don't exceed the limit.

Creativity/ Originality : 10/15
I am sad because I was really putting my hope high on this story. I was imagining it as a story filled with rich imagination, twists, and great creativity, but it turns out to be only part of it. I didn't see much originality either, except for the part where they get to say hello again after Junsu left that girl. This story lacks of creativity maybe because of what I said earlier; you used a big portion to write about inappropriate things. Going to the mall, buying her clothes, such and such.

Flow : 7/10
At first it was okay, and suddenly Junsu left her. What made me surprised is when Junsu popped out again after leaving her. It made me feel as if Junsu was never gone all this time.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Please do avoid repeating the 'he' and 'she' by using linking words. It's not professional made and it's choppy. It would be much better if you know how to link those words and use their names instead of 'he' and 'she'. Your diction/vocabulary is average and you might want to consider using big words to emphasize the description you're trying to make. Some mistakes spotted are..

1.She looked up at him with eyes filled with tears that were already threatening to fall out
She looked up at him with eyes filled with tears that were threatening to fall. (the word 'out' is not needed here)

2.As known to everyone, Park KyungMi is the girl who doesn't know how to cry or get angry at someone.
Everyone knows that Park KyungMi is the girl who doesn't cry or get mad easily (sentence fragment)

3.She wiped his sweat away with her bear hands.
She wiped his sweat away with her bare hands. (Bear and bare have different meaning)

4."I have to go. I'm sorry KyungMi. I really am. This is goodbye." He said, standing up and running away from her.
"I have to go. I'm sorry KyungMi. I really am. This is goodbye." He said as he stood up, slowly running away from her. (You can't have two actions going at the same time. Here, you said he was standing up and running away. I know that you mean that he ran AFTER he stood up, but it sound like he was doing two actions at the same time.)




You might want to ask someone to revise or do beta reading for you. After all, no one is perfect in here. There's no such thing as getting a perfect 10 in here. There will be some minor mistakes.




Characterization : 7/10
What the characters were feeling wasn't described very well. Their personalities didn't shine either.

Writing style : 8/10
Good and neat but please don't use repeated words (He and she)

Overall enjoyment : 2/5

Sub total : 61/100

Bonus : 2/5
For making your own poster

Total : 63/100
Don't give up, keep trying. You can do it because you have the potential. I know you can be a very good writer!