The Flaming Winter by Pararae

Author : Pararae
Title : The Flaming Winter
Link : http://www.asianfanfics.com/index.php/story/view/211
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)


Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.

Title : 4/5
When I first saw this review request, I didn't pay much attention to the title. Maybe it didn't really catch me on the spot and it gave me the same impression I had when I read other common stories. Slowly exploring the story, I figured that the title is actually quite unique and it is derived originally from your plot. I understand why you put flaming winter; because you're trying to tell the readers that the 'flaming' here is about how the girl lost her home and how she blamed herself for the lost. Like a flame, eating the girl inside and out. The title is neat, and the capitalization is good. (Although it is not necessary to capitalize in a title, but that's okay. Capitalizing isn't really a big problem either).

First impression : 7/10
This site is different from Winglin and it doesn't really require you to put a background. Even if you do have a background, I don't think it will look good. The white background and the big font make it easier to read, and I like it. However, without a background (like how winglin accounts usually look like) it lacks of virtual gloomy feeling, and I couldn't feel the full vibe of the story. It's plain and a little boring, making the story less attractive and less emphasized. The poster, on the other hand, is okay. I have to admit that I am very picky in graphics and I love to see good quality of posters. I like yours but the boy's face blends in too much with the background. The poster's background is dark, and Sohee's picture is almost drowned by it too. I know this is not your main problem since you're not the one who made the poster, but I believe you were the one who picked Sohee's picture (correct me if I am wrong). Well, Sohee's picture doesn't match at all with your plot. In the story, it portrays a sad, tattered girl but if you see from the picture, Sohee is perfectly smiling.

Forewords : -/10
I am very strict in this section but since you told me that you didn't include a proper foreword, I will leave this out.

Plot : 10/15
I don't really favor the way you plot your story. You started the story with describing what she was feeling, which is good but right after that, everything goes really confusing. The part before the flashback is understandable but when I read the flashback, I wasn't sure if the dad was still alive or the mother killed him already. I know you're trying to tell the present before telling the past, but they were all mixed up. You are good, and you have your own idea for the plot/storyline but you still have to improve in organizing the plot. Arrange them in particular order and if you want to put flashbacks, make sure you make it perfect and round, not stopping halfway. Prevent superfluous sentences and do not make too cliché. I don't mind a cliché story; killing her husband, burning the house down, BUT I need a reason for that. Why did she do that?

Creativity/ Originality : 13.5/15
Yes, you are original enough with your story and the mood that you set on it is quite creative too. I don't have much to complain here, because you know what to do. I like your idea of relating Mimi's pain to the flaming winter, it's likable. You avoided from using the common lines and I believe the idea itself comes from you. Maybe it is because this story is a one-shot, so the creativity of making it nice is there. You didn't lose the creativity, and it's pretty impressive. However, do remember that one-shot and long stories (20 chapters and so) are two different things. You may ace in one-shot, but you will have to work harder if you're planning to write long stories. In long stories, people tend to lose their creativity slowly as the chapters pass by.

Flow : 7/10
It was fast, and I would appreciate if you go slower and explain more on what happened in the past. The beginning till the middle part is okay but the ending is a bit abrupt. You were telling about the mother who killed her own husband, burning her house down and suddenly the girl was taken away by that man. I didn't get to know what made her mother angry and her reason for doing that to her own daughter. It is wrong to have a father comforting her own daughter or she was just being jealous? Or maybe she was barely sane from the start? See, I have a lot of questions playing in my mind. I just wish that you would tell us why, not just writing flashbacks. There are hanging paragraphs everywhere, and you didn't complete them with a good conclusion. Example the part when Mimi blamed herself for the separation, for the death, for the burning down of her own mansion. You didn't tell us why she blamed herself for that. I would categorize this as a rather mysterious, misty story since I didn't comprehend much. You need to know where to express more and where you shouldn't emphasize too much.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6.5/10
These are the mistakes I have spotted...

1-The emerald maple leaves broke itself from the breathing support...
~The emerald maple leaf broke itself from the breathing support...

2-She is lonely. And she admitted it.
~She is lonely, and she admitted it. (Don't make the sentence choppy, use linking words if needed.)

3-No more servants who can cook,
~No more servants who cook for her. (If you put 'no more servants who can cook', it basically means that the servants suddenly don't know how to cook or CAN'T COOK. Or even maybe the earth has been eating them in and out, leaving them with no more talent in cooking. These little things, even though they are simple, they can give wrong understanding if we use them wrongly.)

4-Chasing those enemy who would put her at harm
~Chasing those enemies who would put her at harm

5-A silent sob circled the frozen air as a revelation sank in deeper into her heart.
~A silent sob circled the frozen air as a revelation sank deeper into her heart. ('In' is not needed here, because you have put 'into her heart' which shows the description of what 'in' is telling.)

6-Her sob turned into a weep and slowly turned into a harsh loud cry.
~Her sob turned into a weep and slowly turned into a harsh, loud cry.

7-“LIE! I saw you kissed her in her bed! Explain that!”
~“LIE! I saw you KISS her in her bed! Explain that!” (You have put the sentence automatically into past tense by constructing 'was' at the beginning of it. So the next word shouldn't be in past tense.)

8-“She was crying. I tried to comfort her, that all!”
~“She was crying. I tried to comfort her, that's all!”

9-It was about her isn’t it?
~It was about her, wasn't it?

10-A slapped met her cheek as an angry lady lunged herself onto her and punched her on the floor.
~A slap met her cheek as an angry lady lunged herself onto her and punched her to the floor.

11-despite that her head was bruised by the punched but somehow she didn’t fell the pain at all
~despite that her head was bruised by the PUNCH but somehow she didn’t FEEL the pain at all

12-and all she can feel that time is numb.
~and all she can feel that time was numb. (You already stated by 'that time' to make it in past tense.)

13-”What are you doing? Kill her?!”
~What are you doing? Killing her?!” (It's a continuous action, not just once.) or “What are you doing? Trying to kill her?!”

14-She better off dead!
~She's better off dead!

15-The anger, jealousy and betrayal mixed in those orbs of her parent.
~The anger, jealousy and betrayal mixed in those orbs of her parents.

16-A sudden rushed of fear crept into her heart as she begun to shake uncontrollably.
~A sudden rush of fear crept into her heart as she began to shake uncontrollably. (It's RUSH OF FEAR. Not in past tense)

17-Everything turned cloudy at the moment and she slowly eaten by the guilt and pressure that came from within her own flesh and blood...
~Everything turned cloudy at the moment and she WAS slowly eaten by the guilt and pressure that came within* her own flesh and blood... (*You can use either within or from, but not both. If you realized, they are both preposition and you cannot use two prepositions at a time.)

18-Her eyes was failing her as she can only see the thin...
~Her eyes were failing her as she can only see the thin...

19-....the table with a loud ugly crack.
~....the table with a loud, ugly crack. (Do not forget your comma)

20-Kay felt to the floor...
~Kay fell to the floor...

21-And Mimi sure..
~And Mimi was sure...

22-And the last thing remember before running...
~And the last thing she remembered before running...

23-...house was her mother reached for an oil and lit up...
...house was her mother reaching for an oil and lit up... ('WAS' is placed there, so the sentence is fluently going as a continuous tense. Even by the action, you can see that it's 'reaching', and not 'reached')

You have a good vocabulary and I think your language is above normal fanfic writers. Your problems are the slight mistakes in commas, choppy sentences, wrong preposition, past and present tense and some miscellaneous errors. You made the story too dramatic by using a lot of figurative sentences. Using figurative sentences is not a problem, but using them regularly will make your story really cliché. Frankly, I was impressed by your language but sometimes, you tend to overuse words, making them unnecessary (like the figurative words). If you have time, revise your story after you are done with them and you will be able to spot the mistakes since they aren't hard to find.

Characterization : 7/10
It is nice to read new characters and not the singers/actors/uljjangs but you didn't elaborate on the characters' personalities. As I've said before, I didn't know what happened in the past. What did Mimi do? Why does her mother hate her so much? Are they not blood related? I don't know her father's personality, her mother's personality and even Mimi herself is vague and ambiguous.

Writing style : 8.5/10
I really can't say that it is 100% neat. I am a neat freak and I like everything clean. You have so many words combined in one sentences and you didn't use commas to separate them. You started few sentences with BUT and it is wrong since the first sentence before it can be joined together to form a good meaning. I think this will be a slight problem too. You need to know when to combine and when to separate sentences. DO NOT make a sentence too long without full stop because this can confuse people, unless you are really good in this.

Overall enjoyment : 2.5/5
I enjoyed reading cause I like your language and the diction used. However, I didn't really enjoy it since I don't (fully) know what was going on in the story.

Sub total : 66/90 (Minus the foreword)

Bonus : 2/5
For your language.

Total : 68/90 = 75.5%
I personally think you're a great writer. So I'll be expecting more stories from you.