She's all that by Cutterpillow

Author : Cutterpillow
Title : She's all that
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SAT/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)

Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.

P/S: Your requested reviewer isn't available, so it is automatically passed to me.

Title : 1.5/5
Frankly, I would just give you 1 and not 1.5 but because (maybe) you had planned this title yourself, I will go a little bit soft on this one. I didn't think the title is attractive enough. I have seen this one on winglin quite numerous times but I have never intended on clicking it. Simple, it doesn't attract me at all. Second is because your title doesn't match well with the story and it definitely doesn't emphasize the whole plot. What you did was matching the title with the 'snobby' term in a girl. However, I didn't see that criteria in Rosa's personality. On the contrary, maybe you are trying to link it to Rosa's personality, just that it doesn't emphasize enough and perhaps you made a wrong choice in deciding the title.
First impression : 8/10
Good, I love the poster and I think it is lovely but do change the link colors okay? I really hate it when writers leave it using the default colors. Why not change the color? Why did you leave it purple and blue? They are not attractive, nor did they beautify the page. You have a lovely poster and you should make use of changing the color link so everything will be intact and pretty. In case you don't know a website for color codes, here it is.. http://www.computerhope.com/htmcolor..htm

Forewords : 5/10
I repeat this every time I receive a review request, I love a good foreword. I give people low marks because I want to encourage them to improve, and not to humiliate them. Everyone has a room for improvement and so does your foreword. I like your plot summary although it doesn't go well with what the REAL plot is. Here, you said that he's the school's heartthrob but in actual story, he's just a new guy coming to the school (and happen to be the cousin of Uchi, that's why he's famous) BUT do remember that you may give readers' a false tint of introduction of your characters. I know that you summarize basically the main point, but it doesn't mean that your foreword is interesting. You should include some intriguing parts, especially on 'what makes them fight and fall in love'. The rest is up to your own creativity.

Plot : 8/15
No, I don't really favor the plot because it is quite complicated and messy. I don't like how some parts are exaggerated too much and they become cliché, nonsensical and superfluous. Honestly, it is over-used and very plain indeed. I know you were trying your best to bring out the plot, but it needs more of everything into it. I'm sorry but it really bothers me that your plot is not as unique as what I was expecting. I think you should learn more on how to manage the plot and how to keep it in order.

Creativity/ Originality : 7/15
As I've said earlier, your story is not original and it is very overused. I might as well say that this story is predictable, nothing new and everything goes with my expectation. You didn't use much creativity either, which reduces you marks here. I don't know why I am giving you 7, since it is supposed to be less than that. But I'm being lenient for today so I won't be too strict. You should add twists, make more creative description and so on.

Flow : 6/10
Very fast and superfluous. I was expecting a full-length story and not just a short story, but sadly, the story stays the same. You shouldn't rush things, it makes me feel as if the main characters are impatient and very sharp in decision-making. Go slow on some part, take your time to understand your characters.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 4/10
I understand that English is not your first language so don't expect high mark in this. Let me tell you all those mistakes you have in chapter 2. (Yes, just chapter 2 first)

Here, you used 'past tense' as overall writing, but you mixed them with 'present tense'.

1. As I look through the clear glass window, I saw the sun is setting. I immediately close the book that I am reading. I stood up, and pull my bag on the table. I didn’t bother to put it inside my bag. I put the strap on my shoulder. I went outside my favorite place, the library.
-As I looked through the clear glass window, I saw the sun setting. I immediately closed the book that I was reading, standing up and pulled my bag on the table. I didn't bother to put the book inside my bag and placed the strap on my shoulder.. I went to my favorite place, the library.

2. When I saw, Uchi and his minions-Noda and Shin on their way outside the locker room. I immediately skip on my locker, to change my shoes. Uchi, ever the asshole, yelled out. “Rosa! Wanna have some fun tonight?” They all laughed. I just ignored them like I always do. They all think their hot, but I think their just bunch of jerks.
-When I saw Uchi and his minions, Noda and Shin on their way outside the locker room, I immediately skipped on my locker to change my shoes. Uchi, the ever asshole yelled out, “Rosa! Wanna have some fun tonight?” They all laughed and I ignored them like I always do. They think they're hot but they're just a bunch of jerks.

Actually, you have more on Chapter 2, and the rest of the chapters but if I were to correct them all, it'll be like writing a new story for you. Every paragraphs has its own mistakes, which is very, very upsetting. Your vocabulary is simple and not complex, but I won't ask you to use big vocabulary since you have to improve on your grammar and tenses.

Characterization : 7/10
The Japanese characters are new to me, although I know Hiruma Miura, I am still not familiar with his personality. You didn't play your characters well and you need to improve on this too. You should not rush things and take your time to understand your characters. I've mentioned this above and you need to really start cleanly.

Writing style : 6/10
Not descriptive, but at least it isn't packed in one sentence. You language is weak, and maybe that's the reason why it cuts down the attention given to your writing style. Here's what you can do, read a good story (not winglin stories) but real storybooks. It helps to improve your writing style.

Overall enjoyment : 1/5

Sub total : 53.5/100

Bonus : 1/5

Total : 54.5/100
Don't be discouraged by the marks, what really matters is your true dedication. Everyone needs to improve. I hope you won't take this as a bad thing, and please learn from the mistakes. Good luck on your new story.