Not enough love by Yunni

Author : Yunni
Title : Not enough love
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/not_enough/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)

Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.

Title : 3/5
Okay, the title is average to me and it doesn't revolve around the plot (in my opinion). Being honest, I re-read this story three times to understand if there is any connection between the title and the plot but it doesn't impress me at all. The only thing I found quite matching is the closing part, in Taemin's letter. It says, “Yumin, you're my best friend. It's not that our love wasn't strong enough. It's not because I don't or didn't love you enough...just sometimes, things aren't meant to be.”
If you carefully observe your own plot, you know that it's emphasizing on guardian angels and Taemin's promise, not because of their love that wasn't enough. If I were to judge, I can see that they both have strong friendship, and there's nothing else that could come between them. That's why the title couldn't be 'not enough love'. Still, I think this is your own choice and I have no right to complain it. I'm just here to voice out my opinion and give an honest review.

First impression : 8/10
First thing I looked forward to is the poster. I wanted to see how strong a poster can reflect the story, and luckily, it gets on my good side. I like the picture of Taemin closing his eyes and I like your background too. The background is simple, and it makes the words easier to read. I wouldn't suggest a complicated background here because your background color is already blue, and when your background color goes with the 'nice-but-a-little-bit-complicated-and-poorly-collaged-pictures' type of background, it would totally kill readers off. Bo made a good job in maintaining it simple and nice. However, because this is like, a guardian angel setting, I prefer if you have a white poster and background, or anything light. It shows how heartwarming you story is, and believe me, it'll give out more significant meaning.

Forewords : 6/10
You know me, I am fussy when it comes to forewords. I rarely give out full score, trust me. The foreword is merely short and the sentences were pulled out from your one-shot. I really believe that Yunni can make something better as the foreword, something that is tempting, something that is worth waiting and something that is original. The current foreword that you have is quite lacking and the chopped sentences don't really know what they're standing for. I'm not asking for a long foreword because it would simply give out and unravel the plot. Know how to summarize without spoiling the whole plot, that's what a good writer will do.
Suggestion: include the part which can describe a feeling, and concentrate on it.

Plot : 11.5/15
I don't have much to say here, because I have said it in your past review and it would only make you roll your eyes because Anna has annoyed you repeatedly. I'm sorry for that, just doing the job. Well, I did mention about choppy sentences right? And how I want to see a clean way of changing the narrators. I know your story is based on two POVs, and you had to chop come paragraph to put it under Yumin, and some under Taemin. I don't want you to state the names, I want you to know how to TELL us the change of narration. Define the differences when Taemin and Yumin are talking; so people will know whose turn is it even by not looking at the stated POV. If you don't know how to make a clean narrator change, you can still do what you're doing (stating the POV) but do not overuse it too much. Don't put it under Taemin, and the next second, you put it under Yumin, the next one under Taemin again, and under Yumin again (goes on and on). I need to give reasons here, not just telling this and that. My reason is because there will be some readers who are slow in changing the emotions of each characters. Taemin and Yumin have different perspective and they are probably having different thoughts and feelings. If you want the readers to really feel what the characters are feeling, do not change the narration repeatedly. Find a way to reach those feelings to your readers so they can understand it better. Imagine your readers reading the story under Taemin's POV, just when they are about to feel the emotion, the narrator changes to Yumin (sudden change of emotion since they can't feel Taemin's feeling anymore because it is now concentrated on Yumin's POV). You get what I mean?

Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
Thank you for making this as a friendship story and not a love story, although I was hoping that it would be a love story for Taemin and Yumin. Then again, the author knows the best for her characters. Talk about creativity first, I like the ending where Taemin was there to save her even though she was losing a lot of blood. Also the part where the nurses laughed it off when someone mentioned about guardian angels. I think that part shows some humanity and reality, where people take this as a fairy-tale but beyond that, anything can actually happen. BUT, I noticed that both of your stories are now mentioning about angels –I like it, but please do not overuse it. If your next story is about angels too, I don't know if I can give a high score for your creativity. I might as well lose my interest in angels generally. Originality, sadly I have read the same story about guardian angels before and this isn't my first time reading it. I didn't know the cause of Taemin's death, but I really hope it is not cancer (since it would totally pull off your originality).

Flow : 8/10
The beginning was okay but you rushed when it was about to end. It's like, you're trying to catch up the time. I don't know if anyone noticed this, but I do. You didn't give space for her to reminisce what Taemin had promised her. Perhaps you can express more on how she feels after waking up from the operation, and how she suddenly remembers it is Taemin's promise that saved her life. You did mention about this, but in three lines, making it look like you are really rushing to end it.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6.5/10
I found some mistakes..

1.I turned around, closing my book and raising an eyebrow casually at you.
~I turned around, closing my book and raised an eyebrow casually at you.

2....sitting across from a girl with her hair...
~....sitting across a girl with her hair... (You have two prepositions here and 'from' is unnecessary)

3. and each year, we were in the same classes.
~ and every year, we were in the same class. (you're talking about each year, meaning, every year and it represents a single moment. Each year sounds a little stiff and not suitable. They are in the same class, one class and not classes)

4. I pointed up at it, facing those stars.
~ I pointed up at them, facing those stars.

5. as I felt the tears stinging my eyes.
~ as I felt the tears pooling in my eyes. (Tears don't really sting, you cannot feel the sting if you're about to cry. You nose does, not your eyes.)

6. through my eyes and down my cheeks,
~ from my eyes and down my cheeks.

7. as your hand rested in mine above my chest.
~ as your hand rested with mine on my chest. (Above chest can be ANYWHERE above the chest, even if it's floating on air, it's still above the chest. So the right word is 'on' the chest, literally putting the hands on your chest.)

You repeated the 'as' a lot of time. I tried to ignore it, but it comes to me irritatingly and it destroys the whole writing style. Other than that, preposition might be a slight problem for you. I have spotted more mistakes but I can only point those above for now since I have a lot to talk about. Repeated words, wrong preposition, fragment errors are quite common in fanfics nowadays. No one writes perfect fanfic without any flow, no matter how good the writer is. They still need to revise them and ask someone to do it for them. The best way is to learn from your mistake. (:

Characterization : 8/10
Despite the confusing narration change, you managed the characters well. You do lack in characters' background information and Taemin's special personality. You didn't mention Taemin's sickness. Other than that, it's good.

Writing style : 8/10
The repeated words and the choppy sentences make their way to the deconstruction of your writing style. You have to get a good grip of them and make sure they won't repeat themselves in your next attempt. I have said about the narration change above (PLOT AREA) and also repeated words (S/G/V). Try using big words and construct a detailed sentence, because I like reading a detailed story as it will reach me better, especially in sad stories. If you don't have confidence in doing it, you can start slowly and you'll eventually learn it.

Overall enjoyment : 3/5

Sub total : 74/100

Bonus : 2/5

Total : 76/100
I am strict to those whom I think are capable to do something better. You have potential, Yunni. You just need to slowly unravel your talent and learn little by little. We cannot be perfect in just a day or two, but it needs determination and strong patience. Keep it up, dear.