SiHan - Eternal Love by Nyssaki

Author : Nyssaki
Title : SiHan- Eternal Love
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Nyssaki/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ RawrOutLoud


Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.

Title : 2/5
I am confused, is your title SiHan- Eternal Love or Drabblers? I'm going to go with the first one since that's the title given in the review form. Basically, I don't want to talk more on this since the title is plain and common. Eternal love, I was expecting for more (I'm a reviewer who has high hopes on good fanfics) but the title didn't really catch me so I had to pause on reading your fanfic and continue some other time. I would suggest you to remove the 'SiHan' since it is not necessary and there is already a space to tell who your characters are, so the 'SiHan' isn't actually a MUST in the title.

First impression : 1/10
No, sorry but my first impression wasn't really good since the page didn't attract me. There was no poster to look forward too and you didn't change the default colors either. I don't like giving low marks to people but there will be some times when I have to, in order for the to improve.

Forewords : 0/10
Shall I say why? Yes, it's because of your forewords has no introduction to the story. It's either you don't know how forewords in winglin works or you just don't want to include anything in the foreword. Here's what you can do; post up a brief summary of the story indicating how the story will be. Don't you think people will be curious to know what this piece of writing is hiding? It's time to unravel the story slowly by developing your story introduction.

Plot : 11/15
It was sooo confusing at first but I got hold of it slowly. Your plot is actually, very randomly done. Like, I didn't know if I were still reading in that situation where Hankyung and Siwon were in the hotel or were I reading another scene where Hankyung got shot? I was so dumbfounded and I didn't know what to do but to continue reading. The last bit was much better as I finally got on the road to the story. You should really separate if there are different events happening and DO NOT put them in one as we will assume that one paragraph is actually connected to the previous paragraph. However, I like how you made twist to the story, although not much but it made the story better.

Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
Let's start with why I like your story. It's maybe because this is the first YAOI story that ever made sense to me (so far) because they didn't just fall in love in a cliché mood. Unlike other stories, they will make you want to rip the characters off because of the 'out-reality' mood. This story contains obstacles, which I really like to see. It shows how an individual is committed to his/her surrounding and how they overcome it. Still, the originality isn't much but your creativity helped.

Flow : 8/10
This is one-shot right? I completely disagree to what you've done to the first chapter. It was very long. Why long chapters are not recommended to one-shots? It is because readers will generally lose their interest if they see such long chapters with boring lines. Truthfully, I was the same at first when I read this. I wanted to skip until I reach the end, but I had to read carefully because I have responsibility as a reviewer to do so. If your one-shot is long, you might want to change it to two-shots instead so you won't lose your writing versatility.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Some mistakes spotted. Well, maybe more but these are the obvious ones you can see.

-He’s mouth was wide open, he wanted to scream, but nothing came through. He’s vision were now blurred from the tears that flew freely down his cheeks, he was crying hysterically at the sight of his lovers lifeless body. He’s secretary ran through the door and tried to calm him.

Replaced ** His mouth was wide open, ready to scream but nothing came out. His vision was blurred from the tears that flowed freely down his cheeks, crying hysterically at the sight of his lover's lifeless body. His secretary ran to the door and tried to calm him down

First, don't you mean “his” instead of “he's”? Because “he's” simply means HE IS and it would be 'he is mouth wide open (.....) and that doesn't sound right. Second, flew is FLY in past tense, and tears don't fly, neither do they fly down his cheeks. He has only one vision, so you should put WAS instead of WERE. Lastly, “his lovers lifeless body”, you miss the apostrophes in LOVER. I know you mean lover's body instead of LOVERS body



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-Wednesday? Siwon thought. The last him he remembered was leaving the office on a Wednesday because of… because of… he couldn’t remember.

Replaced*** Wednesday? Siwon thought. The last TIME he remembered was leaving his office on Wednesday because of – because of – he couldn't remember.

`````
There isn't any new word that I can learn from. You can improve your vocabulary usage by reading your friend's fanfics and learn from them.

Characterization : 8.5/10
I like how you included Heechul in this and although not all of them were described nicely, I still want to credit you for trying to tell more on what each of them does. That's a good thing.

Writing style : 8/10
Good, but you should separate when different people are talking. It confuses me. Also like I mentioned earlier, improve on the timing of different scene.

Overall enjoyment : 2/5
Not much at first but I liked it when Heechul was praying for his brother's sake and how he got involved in the accident just cause he was rushing to see Hankyung.

Sub total : 58.5/100

Bonus : 2/5

Total : 60.5/100
Sorry, your preferred reviewer was not available so I took over in reviewing this fic. Hope you don't mind and keep writing ^^