Title: My Stalker
Author: morning_glory
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/morning_glory1/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 3/5 the title mostly picture how Hebe meet Aaron who only appear in second part, but I can’t find any connection with the first one. Maybe, because you’re trying to say that the real plot start when Aaron Yan appeared and the story about Hebe’s last boyfriend is just a kind of scene you want to point out on why she’s been acting quite distant with everyone. But try to find a title that fit both scenes without leaving one behind, because title supposed to fit the story line, not just a scene.
First Impression: 8/10 I like the color, yellow is always a good way to bring out a bright mood and the blending makes it look good. Black and yellow is always the best partner and the pictures are really pretty, even though, Aaron’s picture is disturbed by random people that I think; it goes along with the picture before it was photoshop. The font is suitable too and the background is simple but really attractive. Your poster and background are the one that catch my attention when the window tab pops up and I just love how it is done.
Forewords: 7/10 I think the forewords are more like an author note, despite that you do give out the cast name. I won’t say it’s organized, but it’s not scrabbled either and since this is a collection of one shots, it’s unnecessary to point out any basic details such genre and summary, but I do hope you give fairly attention to forewords as you give to the other chapters, because it looks too plain to be one.
Plot: 8/15 okay, let’s make it straight, your story is about Hebe who has a boyfriend whose addicted to money till the point he kidnapped a girl to force money from the parents and later got killed. A few days later, Hebe met another boy named Aaron who wanted to become her friend. I kind of like the idea of friendship rather than love story, but you didn’t insert any action or interesting drama to make the story better. It’s quite disappointing to see a story to end just like that with no fun scenes. You can always add a few interesting events when Aaron tried his best to gain Hebe’s attention and maybe you can add few action when Hebe found out about her boyfriend. But I think the plot is acceptable so far because you caught attention at the second part.
Creativity/Originality: 7/15 I can’t find any other story like this, boyfriend died because he was shot by police officer and later, his girlfriend met another guy who wants to become friends with her. It’s good that you didn’t make Aaron fall in love with Hebe or I would have to deduct your marks because love story is just overused these days.
Flow: 4/10 your flow is too fast, even for one shot, but your flow is too fast to catch. The part when the little girl got kidnapped then later got taken away and the boyfriend was killed is just too fast. It as if everything happens in a blink of an eye with no precise elaboration and details.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10 there’s not much mistakes, but I’ve found some here and there…
1) "Hey, don't be scared. Nothing bad is going to happen. He just wants some money, that's all.
(You forget to put quotation marks behind the sentence.)
2) The little girl's eyes widened when they saw the guy, and she clutched Hebe's hand tighter.
(‘They’ is not the right one to use because you’re talking about the girl exclude Hebe because you’re saying that the girl is scared and grabbed Hebe’s hand tightly.)
3) She wasn't sure whether or not she should be relieved or not,
(Don’t repeat ‘or not’ at the end of the sentence because it would be better if you don’t.)
It’s good that there’s not much mistakes here but your sentences are too choppy, so try to use some conjunction to make the sentences better.
Characterization: 5/10 I don’t get the characters at all. I just imagine them as an ordinary girl and boys living on earth. You didn’t give an exact explanation on each character, leaving their personalities rather ambiguous and blurry. Try to add a few habit or personality in them that make them arise among the others. I know writing characterization is quite hard for one shot but try to give it a full characterization.
Writing Style: 6/10 your writing is choppy sometimes and quite simple. You didn’t use big and complicated words; instead you just love to play around with the simple one. I know big words are not important if the readers don’t understand it, but I won’t dismiss the claim that if you use it, it will enhance your marks and your skill.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5 I don’t really enjoy your story because it’s too simple, with no action or shocking event to make me fascinate about.
Sub Total: 58/100
Bonus: 2/5 I give you bonus because…
1) For keeping the originality throughout the story
2) For making less mistakes in spelling, grammar and vocabulary despite a few accidental errors.
But you lost 3 marks because…
1) Your story is too simple with no interesting event and action
2) Your characterization is too blurry and incomplete.
3) Your writing style is too simple. Simple is good but too simple is sometimes could ruin the whole excitement.
Total: 60/100
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