Title: One and On
Author: mickeyyyxD
Author: mickeyyyxD
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/oneandon/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Note: I think that the title is from the challenge site, am I right? So I have no right to give you the title marks. But I give you other marks for another criterion that I’ve created myself to replace it. Title’s usage means how you interconnect the title to the story and how you use the given title to create a background/setting scene. It is mostly picture how efficient you bind your story line closely to fit the title’s demand.
Title’s usage: 2/5 I can see that you use the title as a phrase in some of the sentences to show continuous action of the characters, but I can’t feel the connection between the title to the plot. It seems that you forced it to link each other up and making it feel awkward in a way. Not that it’s your fault for using the title because it’s a must, but try to manipulate your plot to reach up the goal of the title’s demand. On and on is a very simple, easy and neutral title that you can actually manipulate the plot to whichever you like, but you have to understand that not every main point centered in your plot can fit it up, so watch out on that. I advised you to revise your plot again and write it up casually so it would appear spontaneous and not awkwardly forced.
First Impression: 7/10 you got my attention there. Your poster is great with a suitable color and great opacity with no disturbing outline marked between the pictures. Even though it looked plain but it’s attractive at the same time. I expected your story to be dark, mysterious and twisty. However, the words focused only on TOP’s side, leaving the right side of the picture empty. Even though, I’m not really fascinated with grey but the color really charming with a matching background. I have to say the background is plain and simple but it’s good to see it like that and the words on the background are really catchy.
Forewords: 7/10 the forewords are good and the details are there. I won’t say it’s complete because you forget genre and author notes, but I can say it’s acceptable. Author notes are not really important because it’s just a usual rant or chats, but it shows your communication with the readers. It’s good to say that you are a kind of person who acknowledge their comments and supports instead of reading them and forget about it the next day. I know forewords come before comment but don’t you have anything to say to the future readers? Show some communications and interaction so it would appear colorful and friendly.
There is one part which I like to point out in your story. The summary you gave is good, but it’s confusing. Take this for example:
“Every time I look at him with other girls, it seems like my heart would break apart.”
“Why are you always with other girls? Like they‘re some kind of clothes that are just worn and then thrown away? On and on. ”
“It’s because I love you.”
I don’t get who said which; I thought the first one is Yeon Hee, followed by Seung Hyun, but it bothers me, so I came out with a conclusion that the first 3 dialogues are from Yeon Hee while the last one is from Seung Hyun. My advice is, don’t confuse your readers and try to be specific. If it was from the same person, don’t separate them in different paragraph, but if you think you have to, then make them in the same quotation marks. For instance:
Every time I look at him with other girls, it seems like my heart would break apart.
Why are you always with other girls? Like they‘re some kind of clothes that are just worn and then thrown away? On and on. ”
“It’s because I love you.”
It would make more sense this way, but in overall, your forewords are good.
Plot: 7/15 the plot, I have to say, is too fantasy-like because, first, why Yeon Hee does not question Seunghyun’s act of being late? I mean, aren’t girls really particular about being punctual? Second, Yeon Hee didn’t even tell a guy straight off to his face when he acts like a player after one year of being with him. Doesn’t that sound a little illogical? Third, after he left her behind on the street without even saying a single word, she could just accept his proposal without even demanding for any reasonable excuse of his action earlier or tell him off of his brat-like attitude. Which angel could hold that back? Lastly, Seunghyun came up with an idea of proposing to Yeon Hee after his friend told him. Shouldn’t he think about it properly, considering pros and cons of his action before deciding on asking for the girl’s hand?
Seunghyun supposed to be earnest and honest on his decision instead of taking his friend’s without further acknowledgement. It looks as if you’re rushing to end the story, so don’t rush in writing because you might leave this kind of mistake behind. I prefer how you start the story by elaborating on Yeon Hee’s feeling about her relationship with Seunghyun, later explaining on their current status. It shows that the predicament faced by them is the main point and that you want to put the problem at ease. And that’s when the ending comes in, but, I don’t really find the ending quite good because after what have Yeon Hee went through with Seunghyun, she should at least deserve some explanations or maybe you can twist that part out by making her leave Seunghyun before getting back together again with him after he tried his best to make up for what he done. It should extend the time frame and make the story more or less, interesting.
Creativity/Originality: 4/15 the story is too cliché and predictable. I can actually guess what would happen next after reading half of the page and it lacks of creativity. You can always put some unexpected drama or interesting twist in it to make it more fascinating. Try not to stick to the plot too much. I know getting off the track too much would make the story too dragging or boring, but in your case, you really need it because, it start and end too fast. Maybe you should take time to elaborate on some important scenes or manipulate a few fields to repair the lost. Also, the idea of making a girl jealous on purpose is too overused, so try to avoid such scene.
Flow: 6/10 as I say, the plot is too fast. I can’t get the proper time frame of the story as if everything happens in a blink of an eye. The characters development, the scenes, the elaboration is moving at a very fast motion, so maybe you should consider on taking your time in writing and don’t rush off. Try to elaborate on the time passes since they start having a relationship and when it all started getting rocky, it would be preferable if you make a flashback to extent the time span.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10 There is a few mistakes I’ve spotted, now let’s try to take a look at this…
1) But why does he not show it ?
Why does he always go to others girls ?
Why does he always go to others girls ?
(There shouldn’t be any space between the last word and question marks.)
2) Choi Seung Hyun, my boyfriend. The guy I live for. The guy I love.
(Don’t chop your sentences. Correction: Choi Seung Hyun, my boyfriend, the guy I live for and the guy I love.)
3) I thought about and decided to go to Seung Hyun’s dorm.
(There’s a missing words here, try to recheck your sentences after you’ve write them.)
4) He wasn’t that tall nor what he short
(Nor what he short sound wrong. Correction: He wasn’t that tall nor he was short.)
5) “Don’t worry Nuna!” exclaimed Seung Ri.
(Don’t forget comma after ‘don’t worry’ and ‘exclaimed’ should be in capital letter because it’s the start of a new sentence.)
6) “I don’t know… you guys want to come with me to get pick out a ring?”
(‘To get pick out the ring?’ sounds utterly wrong. ‘Get’ is unneeded there because you already say ‘pick out’.)
7) “Sorry, I can’t believe Hyung’s to propose to Nuna. They’re going to live so happy with each other!”
(I take this as mistyped: “Sorry, I can’t believe Hyung’s to propose to Nuna.” Try to revise your sentences and don’t rush. Correction: “Sorry, I can’t believe Hyung going to propose to Nuna. They’re going to live so happy with each other!” OR “Sorry, I can’t believe Hyung want to propose to Nuna. They’re going to live so happy with each other!”)
8) “You’re welcome! Now, let’s get eating. We don’t the food to be cold, right?”
(Don’t chop your words and there’s a missing word there. Correction: “You’re welcome! Now, let’s get eating, we don’t want the food to be cold, right?”)
I also quite confuse the tense you used, for example:
Choi Seung Hyun, my boyfriend. The guy I live for. The guy I love. How can a man that goes flirting with other girls be so loved by me? It’s three in the afternoon and I’m waiting for Seung Hyun to pick me up. Today was our first year anniversary and I was so happy that we stuck with each other for a year. I look at my watch and notice that he’s already ten minutes late. I look out the window to see his car coming into the driveway. I go downstairs to go get the door but he already came in without saying anything.
“Yeon Hee, I’m so sorry I’m late. I had some business to take care of at home” he said with his hands on my shoulder, “you ready to go?”
I looked at him with angry eyes, “Let’s go.”
You used past tense, then change to present tense, and after a few minutes, you get back to past tense again. Don’t mix it all up and you also tend to repeat the same words again and again, (e.g: in the middle of the street.) try to find other words that have the same meaning as the current on to replace it.
Characterization: 6/10 I get Yeon Hee’s character by your elaboration and some of the information I picked up through out the story. I won’t say it’s complete, but it is acceptable and I can understand her character so far, but you missed Seunghyun. You claimed he is a playboy but you didn’t come out up with a supporting scene or evident that he is one. I just can’t find any proof that he is a player, but I did get by how badly he treats Yeon Hee. I don’t think Seunghyun is a minor, so his characterization is equally important as Yeon Hee, so don’t forget to give some details on him too.
Writing Style: 5/10 I’m not really fond of your writing style; I can say it’s simple, but too choppy. You tend you chop your sentence at a wrong place, leaving your sentences sound awkward with no proper conjunction. Try not to repeat the same point more than twice because it’s too disturbing and try to use a wide range of vocabulary to enhance your writing style and technique. A good hold of English proficiency is needed to become a writer, and I can see that you have a potential, just need some polishing to make it shiny.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5 I’m sorry, but I don’t really enjoy your one shot. It’s too fast, no interesting scenes, cliché plot and overused idea. Try to make a different kind of story for the one shot. I’m quite familiar with the challenge because I reviewed a one shot before for the same challenge too and I know it does not require a specific plot or main story, except for the title. So, as I say, the title is a very simple one that you actually manipulate it into various amounts of plots and story lines, try to sharpen your creativity and don’t hesitate to revise your idea and plot. Take your time to think a story over before writing it, you can actually come out with a lot of plots using your imagination, so don’t forget to use that. All I say is don’t rush and slow down. You have a good amount of capability of writing in you, so, don’t give up and practice more. Good luck!
Sub Total: 46/100
Bonus: 2/5 I give you bonuses because…
1) You have written great forewords, despite some confusing parts, but you did a great job on that.
2) For your effort and guts to participate in a challenge.
But you missed 3 points because…
1) You need to improve on you’re the tense you used, spelling, choppy words and punctuation marks.
2) Your plot needs a little improvement and you tend to use cliché scenes. The link between the plot and the title also lack of connection.
3) You didn’t write a proper characterization and your flow is too fast to get.
Total: 58/100
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