~G E N R E – H O P P I N G~ by pumpgunsoup

Author: pumpgunsoup
Title: ~G E N R E – H O P P I N G~
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/pumpgunsoup/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: .flavored

Title: 3/5
Erm… there’s a huge mistake. What you’re doing is NOT genre hopping. It’s writing style hopping.

Yes, there is sort of some semblance of genre hopping, but not much. Genre refers to things like ‘horror’, ‘fantasy’, ‘action’, ‘drama’, ‘angst’ and so on. And yes, although sometimes you change your writing style somewhat to suit, it’s not that much -.-|||

Anyway, I’m also concerned about is the lack of capitals in the chapter titles… It just… irks me. No offence, but yeah. Please use caps in titles freely (for the first letters) unless you have a motive for leaving them uncapped.

First Impression: 9/10
It’s a Phebs poster. Who can resist Pheb’s posters?! XD
The colours you picked are also good enough, though I myself prefer to have one single colour scheme (but I won’t deduct marks for that since it’s my personal preference).

However, I do have something against decorative titles. Unless it serves a purpose (to decorate it that is), then I’d rather you just stick with “Genre-hopping”. The decorative feature gives an… amateurish feel to it… It’s nothing big. Just a suggestion.

Forewords: 8/10
Succinct and short. I could immediately tell how the title came about. Have nothing against this, but I didn’t love it either.

Also, it might be better if you put the group/book/film titles into single quotation marks. For example, instead of:

“Switch
Johnny Cash to DongBangShinKi”

You could put:

“Switch ‘Johnny Cash’ to ‘Dong Bang Shin Ki’.”

As you can see I would rather you make those three parts into sentences, but it’s no biggy.

Plot: 8/15

Were you intending to write pure crack? XD Because this is what it is. Although I have nothing against it, your forewords and title don’t represent the plot well at all.

And truthfully… there’s no plot at all. It’s just a bunch of random stuff mixed together, which leads me to think that this is actually pure crack (‘cept for some tiny parts).

Which unfortunately, would not be genre-hopping because there would be only one genre: crack.

So… the easiest way would be to change the title. To… I don’t know. Maybe, ‘Random Selections of SHINee Crack’ (please do not take the title, it was utterly random and unthinking) or something.

But anyway, it’s rare to see a fic like this in winglin. CRACK FIC! =DDDD

Creativity/Originality: 14/15

I can’t say that you’re not creative. Lolz XD A point off for some parts though – I’ve seen some parts of your fic’s plot used elsewhere before.

Flow: 7/10
A bit awkward at first. But flowed better towards the end. No real flow since it’s a bunch of random things one after another.

But who cares. =D

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10

Lolz. I’m just wondering, why is Onew’s name spelt “ONew” while the rest of the SHINee members are spelt with small letters? Please be consistent. If you want all to use “ONew”, please extend it to the other members. Although, I must say, “ONew” looks a little weird to me… Has to do with the English connotation (O New). XD

Spelling no real problem (‘cept I spotted a few mistake along the way down, but proof-reading will cure it). Vocabulary is good enough. Grammar… well, you did choose to write in present tense. It’s actually a lot more difficult to write in present tense than past tense. But there’s not real problem, just some small grammar mistakes here and there.
Which is really commendable since English is not your first language – and that really makes me like you because it’s a lot better than quite a lot of native English speakers that write in Winglin.

Anyway, the only way to prevent them grammar mistakes is to proof-read. Or if you’re unable to spot your mistakes (are you’re lazy XD), you can always hire a beta-reader. Here’s a good site: http://season-of-mist.blogspot.com/ (Quite obviously, I work there too XD But, I’m kinda busy so requesting me is risky =P).

Note: However, the problem with a beta-reader is that sometimes, if you get lazy, you’ll end up depending on your beta-reader so much that you won’t improve at all. So, in order not to become lazy, you must make your beta-reader become your English teacher. Ask them to highlight their changes and if you have any questions on why they changed it, ask them!
   
Characterisation: 7/10
Shallow characterisation at first (especially in a beginning). But crack-fics tend to do that to characters.

Later on, slightly more defined characters for the characters. Especially in Chapter 13. Lmao. That was epic XD

Writing Style: 6/10

You kept switching styles. Which… seems to be what your story is about… but, then it would mean you title is wrong… Anyway, here are some points.

Firstly, it would be better if you wrote in longer sentences. For example, in chapter 1:

“And with that they got up in several directions:
ONew to the living room,
Jonghyun to the bathroom,
Key to the kitchen,
Minho followed Key as soon as he had made his bed
and Taemin went to the wardrobe.”

My suggestion:

“And with that, they got up and went on to do their own things. Onew, being the dork he was, went to the living room to watch television. Jonghyun, the practical one, went to the bathroom to relieve an uncomfortable feeling in the middle of his legs. Key, the Omma, went to the kitchen to cook. Minho, the responsible one, followed after Key as soon as he had made his bed. And finally, Taemin, the youngest, with nothing else to do, went to the wardrobe to shift through his clothes and decide which fashion he would go with that day.”

Remember that when you describe seemingly useless things – like where each individual person went, it’s always better to take advantage of them to do things like, introduce the characters’ characters, or describe their appearances. Otherwise, that whole paragraph is just going to take up space and waste the reader’s time.

(Btw, the suggestion was written in past tense.)

Secondly, script form. Nothing wrong with script form. Except, in chapter 2, you marbled normal novel form with script form. Remember what I said about consistency? Choose one and stick with it.

My suggestion would be novel form. So…

Instead of:
[Minho hops into the van next to Key]
"Good morning, this is Choi Minho for shining SHINee news with sports"
[clears his throat]
"soccer: Turkey beats Armenia 2:0. What a game! ^^ The game was AMAZING you all should hav[Key nudges him]"
[Minho gains his composure again]
"More exciting games are waiting today and now to the stock market."
This would be better:

Minho hops into the van next to Key. “Good morning, this is Choi Minho for shining SHINee news with sports!”

Dramatically, he clears his throat. “In soccer! Turkey beats Armenia 2:0! What a game! The game was AMAZING! You should hav–”

Key glares at Minho, who is wincing at the hard nudge in his ribs, courtesy of the former. With a sheepish smile, Minho regains his composure and continues reporting. “More exciting games are waiting today and now to the stock market.”

And even better:

Minho, guessing his cue, quickly hopped into the van next to Key. The latter winced as Minho’s arm nearly rammed into his nose. “And good morning! This is Choi Minho with sports on shining SHINee news!”

Dramatically, he cleared his throat. “And, in soccer! Turkey beats Armenia two to zero! What a game it was! It was seriously AMAZING! Seriously, all of you should hav– OW!”

Key’s glare was as deadly as the super hard nudge that had caused Minho to yelp in pain. With a sheepish grin, Minho quickly resumed reporting. “Sorry. Anyway, there’ll be more exciting matches scheduled today, but for now, we’re on to the stock market.”

So… that ends my suggestions. The last one tends to make things all the more dramatic, but it’s up to you to choose what you prefer.

Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/5
Lolz. In the beginning I was a little confused because the fic wasn’t what the title and forewords said it would be. But after that I began to enjoy it. It was really funny XD
Although, I didn’t like it when you started to use script form. It’s not something one should get used to, and try not to use both styles. Instead, just use one – either script form of novel. In winglin, novel form tends to be more well received. But people don’t mind as long as the story’s good. Anyway, I feel that your story is told better when written in novel style. So yeah.

Sub Total: 74.5/100

Bonus: 4/5
One point for writing a crack-fic. Second point for actually amusing me. Third point for not making my eye twitch in irritation. And fourth… YOU WROTE A CRACK FIC! =D

Total: 77.5/100