Brown Sugar Macchiato 2: A New Cup by asian_chic 808

Author : asian_chic 808
Title : Brown Sugar Macchiato 2: A New Cup
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/asian_chic/
Status : On-Going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud

Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.

Title : 3/5
Without reading your story and only experimenting the title, I can only bring up that this story consist of new, fresh and delightfully gorgeous script. Brown Sugar Macchiato tells me more about café life, or even bittersweet story in between cute mood and happy teens.. The phrase of “A New Cup” means something more different, and I was expecting literally from 'a new cup'. A new cup which I don’t expect it to be like this. To summerize it, the title doesnt really matches the story/plot.

Poster/Background : 9/10
I was going to give you perfect ten, but then I changed my mind because I noticed that your link is in blue.- dark blue, which doesn’t even match with soft pink. I can forgive you about the green text, since it is after all… light and soft. But not the blue one. The poster is good, because it finally shows “A new cup” or perhaps, Mocha maybe?

Forewords : 2/10
I was really shocked to see this as I was expecting an introduction, perhaps a short one at least. I know that most of your readers are Taiwan fans, but what if when a new reader comes reading your story and she or he is not a big fan of Taiwanese characters (but would love to read your story)? Would you shoo her/him from reading your story, or would you rather spend your time in introducing a little bit of the story’s plot? It’s up to you. But I would suggest you to open up and leak the story a bit.. 2 points for introducing how many characters you have.

Plot : 9/15
I’m very sorry to say that I didn’t get to the plot even when I passed the 10th chapter. I cannot grasp on what the story is bringing. Example, you’re using a play script and the chapters are too short for a play script format. Unless you’re doing direct speeches. This is probably due to the characters that you are playing with; they are too many to control. Alas, it disturbed your content. Through each chapter, I can only portray little, imaginative scene. And the rest didn’t allure me.

Creativity/ Originality : 11/15
I’m not going to be too hard on this one. I can give you some marks for originality because I’m being lenient now, and I don’t want you to feel degraded. Your story will be much better if you plot more creativity, such as arousing the characters’ real personalities, because I can’t really see much of their uniqueness in this. They’re being completely plain and undisturbed. I would like to see some sensitivity in them, or even some conscience.

Flow : 7/10
Again, maybe because of your enormous characters, it went too draggy and fast. Maybe you would not notice it, but I believe some of your “careful” readers do. Take the part where Arron came in, it surprised me when he suddenly asked Gou Gou out and had feelings for her. That’s just too sudden.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Your vocabulary usage is small and little, practice more and you will eventually do better in your next attempt. Grammar mistakes are spotted in many areas, also the spelling errors.

Characterization : 5/10
Reaching this, you may already know the reason why you lost the other half mark. Yes, it’s because of your enormous characters. I couldn’t do much in this as I’ve already told you about it earlier. But these are some things that you can take into considerations.

1) Decide on who are the main characters. To make it easy for you, make the main character for maximum of five. If you still want to involve the other girls and boys, do them as minors. It reduces the confusion and burden in controlling them.

2) Because you have so many characters, it would be better if you DON’T write it in play script. It headbanged me so much.

[Wang Zi approaches Gui Gui from behind and puts his hands over Gui Gui’s eyes]

WZ: Guess who!

GG: [starts panicking and thinks to herself] Oh no..is this Wang Zi or Aaron? Wait..why would Aaron put his hands over my eyes..Just to make sure I should...

*light bulb goes on*

[Gui Gui moves her body downward and turns super fast and is relieved to see that it’s Wang Zi]

GG: Oh hey...it’s you

WZ: Who else could it be?

GG: Nothing..nobody..nobody

[Gui Gui wraps her arms around Wang Zi, feeling confused about everything]

REPLACE THEM WITH:-

Wang Zi silently approached Gui Gui from behind and wrapped his hands on Gui Gui’s eyes, blocking her sight.

“Guess who?” Wang Zi attacked a question, smiling sheepishly while waiting for his girlfriend to respond.

Gui Gui panicked as she her mind wasn’t at ease; she was thinking of Aaron and the question nagged her more. She debated with herself whether it was Aaron or Wang Zi. Dumbstruck between two, she decided to relocate the question and avoid it.

Gui Gui slipped her body downwards, freeing herself from Wang Zi’s hold. She was relieved to see that it was Wang Zi after all.

“Hey, it’s you.”

Wang Zi looked a little dumbfounded and disturbed, yet he didn’t want to put it up and show it to her, “Who else could it be?”

“Oh, no one.” She denied and enveloped Wang Zi with her warm embrace, leaving him in confusion.

3) If You still want to write in play script, then don’t use abbreviations for names. Keep Gui Gui as “Gui Gui, not GG.”

Writing style : 8/10
Not much for a play script, but good.

Overall enjoyment : 2/5
Wasn’t really enjoying the story because the characters are torturing me and making me confused D: but when Aaron came, it did spice up the story a bit.

Sub total : 62/100

Bonus : 3/5
I’ll give you extra 3 marks but please promise me three things. Okay?

1) Promise me that no matter what happens, you won’t be degraded, or feel upset about the review. I am being lenient enough to not let your spirit down.
2) Promise me that you will keep on writing, and never give up. I know you will be a good writer one day.
3) Promise me that you will never let anyone pulls you, or mock you. Stand up for yourself and continue writing for your readers. They are your supporter and they love you so much, You have the potential :D

Total : 65/100