Love Like Ours by MKL

Author : MKL
Title : Love Like Ours
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MKL/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud

Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa.. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.

Title : 3.5/5
I suppose the title was more to some deep and long-term love, but actually it is not. It is more to lost love, and a new beginning to start the whole thing over again. Two reasons that I can conclude is maybe because 1) It’s still in the early chapters so it doesn’t really bring in the story that much. 2) It is because your title doesn’t perfectly match your current title.

Poster/Background : 7/10
For some point I must say that the poster is pretty good. Although I am not a graphic designer, but I am very peculiar in this sort of thing. I suggest the font and color of the poster’s writing to be more artistic and formal. The font color shouldn’t be neither pink nor white. If you noticed, the girl was wearing a pink dress, so your writing was blended together with her dress, which doesn’t outstand much. Maybe some brushes can help to beautify the poster more.

Forewords : 6/10
Your foreword is too short to even understand the plot, but I appreciate your effort in doing it. [Because some authors don’t bother to put anything in the foreword]. The nice thing is that you included a little summary of the story, but not enough. Put some conversation between them especially between Aaron, Gui and Wang Zi instead of describing how Aaron and Gui were locked together. I think that was a little bit off and unnecessary.

Plot : 14/15
Well, I think from all the Aaron, Gui and Wang Zi’s stories that I’ve ever read, this is the first time I understand the plot. So I’m giving you extra points. The plot is a bit cliché, try to keep that low.

Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
I’ve read the same type of story before so it may not be that original. Credit to your creativity, I don’t know why but I think you’re good in plotting the story by your own creativity. You are able to twist the story and keeping it constant so your readers won’t be bored.

Flow : 8/10
It was fast. The flow was rushed and I feel like Aaron wasn’t playing an important role anymore. Some parts are pretty funny and again, cliché because it was fast and things happen one-after-another.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 5.5/10
Try to reduce repeated words. Check your spelling and your grammars, and also tenses. If you can get hold of this, then move on to improving your vocabularies.

ARRANGEMENT OF WORDS.

1) I typed “Hi,” and sent it to his number. I never saved his number. My friend, Ya Tou, gave it to me and just one look, I memorized it already.

Replaced by - I typed ‘Hi.’ and sent it to his number. My friend Ya Tou gave it to me and I could memorize his number by just having one glimpse of it. However, I’ve never saved it in my contact.

2) “Because my girlfriend saw your text. She wanted to get your number but I didn’t give it to her ‘cause she might say or do bad things to you like what she did to my other friend. Goodbye. Thank you (: and take care,” He replied. I was surprised that he still did, but I was more surprised that he wanted to protect me from his girlfriend.

Replaced by-‘My girlfriend saw your text and wanted to get your number, but I wouldn’t allow her cause she might say or do bad things to you like what she did to my other friend. Thank you (: Take care and goodbye,‘ I was surprised that he was still replying my message and wanted to protect me from his girlfriend.

REPEATED.

Example

1) The sun was shining brightly, but instead of having fun, I was looking for my friends. I looked everywhere. But I can’t find them. I didn’t know their rooms, their phones were turned off. I was annoyed. I gave up after an hour and went to a club. I bought a drink and sat there. A guy approached me and said “Hi.”

* First of all, I want to point out about the part “but instead of having fun, I was looking for my friends.” Of course you will have to look for your friends first if you want to have fun. I mean, playing single games are no fun at all. So the mistake here is that you put Gui Gui in the condition where she was going to have fun alone but she had to (More like forcefully) find her friends. I know what you mean was, Instead of enjoying and relaxing, she had to sweat off to find her friends.

*Also, You repeated the word ‘I…. and I…. I….’ a lot. [I looked everywhere. But I can’t find them. I didn’t know their rooms, their phones were turned off. I was annoyed. I gave up after an hour and went to a club. I bought a drink and sat there]

Replaced by-I looked everywhere but it was no avail. They didn’t tell me their room number and to make things worse, they switched off their phones and I could barely reach them. I felt so helpless and I grunted in annoyance. After an hour, I gave up and went to the club to buy a drink.

*There are a lot of mistakes but If I were to point out all, I think it takes more time. So I’m giving you the basic mistakes for you to avoid. Learn from that and you will slowly do better in your next chapters.

OTHERS

Example.

1) “The Prince admits defeat.” What does that mean? I wanted to ask, but was really chicken to do so. I went online and tried to see if he would talk to me. I changed my status to: “You’re the one I love.” I guess he noticed I was online because he IMed me.

Replaced by-

‘The Prince admits defeat.’

What does that mean? I wanted to ask, but was really CHICKENED to do so. I SET my status to 'Online’ and see if he would talk to me. I changed my personal message to: ‘You’re the one I love’. That’s when he IMed me.

Characterization : 8.5/10
I focused on those three main roles, but I wouldn’t concentrate much on their other friends so it was pretty okay.

Writing style : 8/10
Your writing style is okay. All you need to do is separate it when different people are talking. Some of your sentences are a bit hanging and cut off.

Overall enjoyment : 3.5/5
The first Aaron, Gui and Wang Zi’s story that I understand what the plot is about. Well done. (This is probably because I read less Taiwan fan fictions.)

Sub total : 76/100

Bonus : 2/5

Total : 78/100
Well done (: pretty impressive mark.