Beautiful Lies by Blue Bird

Author : Blue Bird
Title : Beautiful Lies
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/BlueBird/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud

Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.

Title : 4/5
It’s pretty good although the words are simple. At least I’m not seeing much of these in winglin. The capitalized part is good and the title is neat.

Poster/Background : 8/10
The poster is very beautiful indeed although I suggest a better font for your story title in the poster. The background, which consists of collages of the poster is not suitable enough. I think it would be better to put something else than just patches of the poster on your background (I know that this is now your fault so I’m not deducting much marks in here). However, your chapters link came to my disappointment. I didn’t want to see it in blue since the poster and background are slightly reddish pink, and blue disturbs the whole appearance of it.

Forewords : 4/10
A bit short to call it a foreword. Put as much introduction/ summary of the story clearly and neatly. You should capitalized the ‘I’ when you use it to call yourself.

Example-
In a quick Moment i realized how much i really missed him.

Change to-
In a quick moment (the ‘M’ wasn’t supposed to be capitalized since it’s not a proper noun.) I realized how much I really missed him. (Remember, ‘I’ is referring to the narrator of the story, capitalization must be taken care of)

Plot : 12/15
Since I rarely read Japanese fan fictions, I won’t be able to judge about the plotting much. It’s confusing at some part because I had to remember their names and their pasts.

Creativity/ Originality : 11/15
Like I said before, I cannot judge much in this. In public view/common readers‘ view, I must say that the story is not as original cause I’ve seen and read this type of story regularly. The characters brought good twists to the story and I like the way you manage it. It’s really blissful to see the qualities of friendship you described here, it has its own meaning to it. Avoid superfluous part, it confused me a lot

Flow : 8/10
Draggy in some area, but you can easily improve that. There’s always room for improvement.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 5.5/10
You really need to take care of your grammar and punctual error. Capitalization, tenses and vocabulary. Check your spelling before posting them up because I detected a lot of spelling mistakes and misused of words.

Example, the “Allright” and “alright”.
In some places, I know that you actually meant ‘alright’ but you put ‘allright’ instead. Remember, these two have different meaning. Allright is supposed to be ‘All right’ [Everything is right.] while ‘alright’ means [fine].

You can start off by reading some good fan fictions in winglin and observe on how they play with their words. Check up huge words in the dictionary and try using some big words in your story, it will be much interesting.

Characterization : 7/10
You have a lot of characters here and I got head banged few times for trying to remember all of them. You need to decide on the main roles. You can’t put all of them as main characters right? Pick two or three as the main characters and the rest can be minors (But don’t put too much though).

Writing style : 6/10
Spacing is your weakness here. Your sentences are all packed and it’s really hard to read. Put space after someone’s talking. Trust me, it’ll be neater that way. ^^

Overall enjoyment : 3/5
I didn’t really enjoy it at first and I feel like skipping the whole chapter, but then again I forced myself to read and finally got the hook of the story. Towards the end, it became more interesting. So good job.

Sub total : 68.5/100
Bonus : 2/5
For the effort made.

Total : 70.5/100
Considering that this is your first time writing, you’re pretty good. I am very strict in giving marks and people who reached my list of 70% can be labeled as ‘a good story’. Well done for making your way in my list ^__^