Secrets by for3v3r

Author : for3v3r
Title : Secrets
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/for3v3r/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud

Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.


Title : 4/5
I like short title more than those long ones. But for this title, I'll be giving you 4 because your story is not just about secrets that Arron didn't know, but it is about the feeling of betrayal too.


Poster/Background : 10/10
Perfect. It is very neat and nice. But I feel that Hebe is only playing a small role at the start.


Forewords : 5/10
It is good but it is too short.. The only thing that is making it long is those 'fullstops', which is very unnecessary. Look at your title and observe it carefully. What are secrets actually? Are they supposed to be told? Will they cause fatality to someone? How will Arron react to everything? Do something that will make your readers tempted to read the next chapter. Interesting forewords can catch readers.


Plot : 8/15
The plot is VERY cliché and dramatic things happened after another. At first, he found out the secret, and then his mother died, and then he figured that he was not a biological son and in the end, his father died. All of them was very cliché. Even if you want to make this, make it in proper order. Your chapters are too short and it squeezed your plot. It would be better if you made this as one-shot. This is more like reading continuous unfortunate events in Arron's life, as if everything bad happens to Arron everyday.


Creativity/ Originality : 9/15
I didn't see any obvious creativity nor originality. You may have your own idea, but try to put in more factual event. I mean, Arron's mother was suddenly dying and things went messed up. Usually, people who commits suicide will die on spot. Except if she WAS TRYING to commit suicide but she was unsuccessful. I know you're trying your best to write it, just practise more okay? :)


Flow : 6/10
Short chapters with a lot of unfortunate things happening to Arron. It's too draggy, dear. As I said, it would be better if it is one-shot.


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Your usage of language is good but you also flaunted at some places.
Example-

1)It was another tired day of work for Arron.
He walked into the house expecting a scent of smell, however, he did not.




= It was another TIRING working day for Arron (Days cannot be tired, it can only be tiring.)

He walked into the house, expecting a scent of smell (What smell actually? Baking smell? Cooking smell?). However, he did not. [Take care of the commas and fullstops.]




2)‘Why does this box looked so familiar?’ He thought.

= 'Why does this box look so familiar?' He thought.




3)“Why did you lie to me?” Arron screamed his mother in tears.

= “Why did you lie to me?” Arron yelled at his mother, crying a little.




There are more, you should revise it again.. Your vocabulary is good, but you have a lot of spelling errors.



Characterization : 6/10
I don't know whether Arron is a normal guy or an artist here. Since it is a short story, Arron's personality isn't fully described. I thought that this story was supposed to be mainly on Hebe and him, but it is not. It's more to Arron. Hebe only played a correct role at the end of the story.


Writing style : 8/10
Your writing style is like those short, little lines. Not really descriptive, but easy to read.


Overall enjoyment : 2/5
It was okay, but too cliché. Simple and easy to understand. (regardless of the cliché part, of course)


Sub total : 64/100


Bonus : 2/5
Do not give up. Keep on writing! ^^


Total : 66/100
I read your one-shot, running away and It is better ^^