Love between rich & poor by HidayahF

Author : HidayahF
Title : Love between rich & poor
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/guilunff/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud

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Title : 3.5/5
I personally like the title, but it is quite common in winglin. Maybe you can put stronger words that have the same meaning of this. It’ll be better.

Poster/Background : 9/10
The poster and background is really cute. But you need to change the font for your title. It doesn’t fit perfectly into the poster. Overall, it is neat and nice.

Forewords : 4/10
I was disappointed of the forewords because I was expecting more than just a synopsis or characters’ profile. I would love to see more lively scene and so far, I couldn’t see it yet.

Plot : 11/15
The plot is 50-50 for me. It is quite interesting but also irritating of some sort. I like it when you put the part about Even’s mother and the news when she said that one of their daughters is not theirs. I am still anticipating to know about that. Also, the part for making Hebe evil, which is unexpected. [NO OFFENSE TO HEBE’S FANS] I like to see some evil characters, and you used Hebe as the evil one, and I like it. But take note that even though you kind of hate Hebe, please don’t go too harsh on her [I am not Hebe’s fan but I’m talking in a fair view now.] You will make your plot as if it is full of hatred instead of enjoyment.

Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
Not much for originality. The love between two different people is something I’ve read all over for almost every story. I know that the storyline is yours originally, but the scene of ‘hating’ and then ‘fall in love’ in the story is very, very common indeed. For creativity, I should give marks for the pranks that your characters did to Hebe although it was VERY CLICHÉ. I would like to see more of Genie, she’s like that because she was raped right? Well, try to tell more about her, or even tell how Even can help Genie to recover.

Flow : 4/10
Sorry. It was really draggy and fast. It was cliché too. It’s like having one thing happen after another. First, about Xiao Man asking help from Even and the next day, she’s working at Arron’s place back. That was fast. The chapters are too short, work more on this.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 4.5/10
There are a lot of spelling errors and lacking of vocabulary. Grammar and tenses mistakes are spotted often.

Example-
Even go to the grocery shop.After that,she walks home.
On the way~
Someone accidentally throw a tin at Even's head.
Even:Ouch!Hey!Are you blind or what!Stupid!
That guy stops driving and get out from his car.He turns around and go to Even.
Arron:Wei!Poor girl!I hate people calls me stupid!Maybe,you are the one who is blind!
Even:WEI!!!!!
Arron:I'm really lazy to entertain a poor girl like you!
Even:Eh I also didn't want to entertain a really rich guy like you,Mr.Arrogant!!!!
So she continue walking...
So as Arron,he drives home..
Even:What the arrogant guy!!!HE thinks that he's rich!So,he could do anything he wants!ARGH!!

Corrected-
Even walked home from the grocery shop. On her way, someone accidentally threw a tin on Even’s head (This way, it’ll be neater. You will have to put it in past tense and if you threw a tin, it’ll definitely land ON the head, not AT the head.)

Even: Ouch! Hey, are you blind or what? Stupid! (please give space. Don’t pack everything together.)

That guy stopped driving and got out of his car.

Arron : Wei! I dislike people calling me stupid! Maybe you’re the one who is blind! (Do not put ‘poor girl’ as Arron didn’t know who was Even. He had only seen her for the first time and didn’t know about her lifestyle, how can he know that she’s poor? Except if Even was wearing the bum clothing with ripped shirt.)

Even : Wei!

Arron : I’m not interested to entertain a girl like you!

Even : Neither do I, Mr. Arrogant!

She continued walking and Arron drove home.

Even : What an arrogant guy. He thinks that he can do what he wants just because he’s rich! Argh!

~

Also, you put “Dompet” which I don’t know what it is and I had to check the dictionary but it wasn’t in the dictionary either. I presume that this is your own language isn’t it? Or maybe your mother tongue language.
`
Characterization : 6/10
There were too many characters. Each and everyone of them appeared in all of a sudden before you can even introduce them. The characters are silly too. I was really surprised when Wang Zi said that Even is better than Hebe because at that time, they only met once. They didn’t even know each other and Wang Zi already concluded that Even is better than Hebe. It’s like judging people without fully knowing them.

Writing style : 6/10
It is easy to read because it is in play script. However, because you packed all of your words together, your writing style doesn’t come out that well.

Example-
~Phone Conversations~
Hebe:Hello Bubu?
Arron:Hello Bebe!!!
Hebe:Why did you call me?
Arron:Tonight,my mum makes a birthday party.Her birthday party...And she wants to invite you..Can you come here tonight?
Hebe:Sure,Bubu,,why not?
Arron:Ok then..
Hebe:Sorry Bubu,,I gotta go!Bye!
Arron:Bye Bebe!
-End of phone conversations-

Corrected-
-Phone conversation-

Hebe: Hello Bebu?

Arron: Hello!

Hebe: Why did you call me?

Arron: My mom is hosting a birthday party tonight. She wants me to invite you, are you free?

Hebe: Sure Bebu. Why not?

Arron: Okay then.

Hebe: Sorry Bebu. I have to go. Bye..

Arron: Bye.

Overall enjoyment : 3/5
I kind of enjoyed it even though the words are hard to understand.

Sub total : 57/100

Bonus : 2/5

Total : 59/100
Work harder in your next attempt!