Author : because im J a e min.
Title : Only You [ One-shot ]
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jaemino3/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 3/5
The title doesn't attract me and its connection to the story is not that strong either. The title is somewhat, expectedly common and very unoriginal. The 'only you' part is only mentioned at the ending, and not the whole story. Since this is a title, it should have a better understanding of the everything in this story; the beginning, the middle and the ending.
First impression : 9/10
I like the poster. It's very nice with black color and the font is not hard to read. However, you need to do something with the link colors. Do not leave them in default colors (blue and purple). They don't match and don't look good.
Forewords : 4/10
My dear, the foreword is very short indeed. I cannot tell what is going to happen and it's not that intriguing. You made it very simple, yet nothing is actually very important or pin-pointed. Perhaps you used the wrong introduction or maybe the 'standing under the rain' isn't as good as you thought it would be. You should emphasize the title in the forewords. Why you name it 'only you' and not other title. Why Nichkhun is the only person? You should elaborate that more.
Plot : 10/15
Apart from it being very choppy, I can see that you're trying to sort everything in order but somehow you didn't manage to make it very neat. The story is absurdly jumpy and rushed. I don't see a very intelligent way of plotting your story, but it can still be accepted since I presume that this is your first completed one-shot. Am I right? So learn from this mistake and do not make your story too choppy. Example, she was announcing on the freshman's speech, then she met Minhwan, she went with him, he died, go back to Nichkhun. Everything happens after one another and not even one part was mainly concentrated.
Creativity/ Originality : 7.5/15
As we all know, this type of story is not original anymore. It's very common and a bit off. Minhwan died of heart attack, which is very common but unpredictable. People with heart attack won't know when they will die but they can be sure that they can die soon whenever the attack is sudden. You didn't put much creativity either, which add up to the lack of interesting scenes in your story. The twist is okay, since I was expecting that Minhwan would be up to no good. Overall, you need to work on this. : )
Flow : 6/10
I mentioned that your story is choppy and absurdly jumped, that couldn't be a good thing. Yes, in fact, the story is a bit too rushed. Truthfully, I think the story (and its plot suits better in a 2-3 chapters story, not a one shot. You're trying to finish everything, like going to the hospital with Minhwan and then it ended in the sushi place; they were all too jumpy and choppy. Learn how to finalize your mode and pace so it won't be too rushed, choppy and abrupt.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
You have minor spelling mistakes, wrong prepositions, false tenses and grammar also fragment error. This is quite common among winglin authors. Proof-checking or beta reading would help. Your language need to be enhanced so that it will empower your story better. You used simple words, but do try to step up a little bit.
These are the mistakes that I've spotted. (There are more, but I'll let you practice on how to spot your own mistake)
1-“You don’t know how important something is until you lose it.”
~”You don't know how important something is until you've lost it.”
2-“Of course,” She squealed like a young child that was given a new toy.
~“Of course,” She squealed like a young child who was given a new toy.
3-As the two were making their way out of the school gates Jaemin suddenly froze.
~As the two were making their way out of the school gates, Jaemin suddenly froze. (Please do put commas and other punctuations where necessary)
4-She just kept on walking until they stopped at the playground close by from Nichkhun’s apartment.
~She just kept on walking until the stopped at the playground close to Nichkhun's apartment.
5-A smile plastered itself onto his handsome face.
~A smile plastered itself on his handsome face.
Characterization : 7/10
I don't get some characters' profile, example Jaemin's. She's like, very willingly agreeing on everything. Like when Minhwan told her that he has heart attack, she directly believed him. She seems so fragile and can't be played around. Minhwan and Nichkhun's personalities aren't very attached with themselves. I couldn't imagine how Minhwan's progression would be. Other than that, I'm glad you used just 3 people as main characters or your one-shot won't be easy to control. Do play with your characters since they are yours. Do not afraid to express and pin-point their personalities.
Writing style : 7/10
I would like to give 8 if your sentence isn't choppy. Commas, fullstops and every marks should be taken care of because you made a lot of mistakes on them. Some parts are not intact, so try to make them neater by using linking words.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
I enjoyed it, but I can't say that I'd die for the fic. It's because the plot is common and it's very predictable. However, you did well for your first time ^^
Sub total : 62.5/100
Bonus : 2/5
Total : 64.5/100
Go Jaemin, you can do it. Good luck on your next attempt, I believe you can do better.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Questionable Fluff by .flavored
Author : .flavored
Title : Questionable Fluff
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/flavored_7/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Note: Your preferred reviewer isn't available, so I'm taking this request on her behalf.
-
Title : 4/5
The first thing that caught me was your author's name, not your title, surprisingly. Of course, being curious, I did click the link once but that was because I wanted to see your poster (I'm sorry, I'm being too honest here). After repeating the title over and over, it feels like my lips are getting used to mumbling your title, and I must admit, it does sound a little cute.
First impression : 10/10
I definitely love Phebs' artwork and I swear, you can't ask other designer to design the 'almost' same poster like Phebs did. She has been designing most of my posters before I get to handle photoshop well, and I really love the way she blends things. I did mention earlier that I clicked your story just cause I want to see how the poster looks like.. Well, I've seen both posters without fail. I saw them earlier at ROL (i-DEAS) and I wanted to see how they look again when you use them. Man, that didn't disappoint me. I totally love the artwork and your link color is good too. The font was easy to read, although I would wish that winglin would have a bigger font (I think that most of the winglin readers are now having bad eyesight. Yeah, sue winglin).
Forewords : 8/10
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!” --Yeah, that was what I said when I read your foreword. I thought that maybe I clicked the wrong chapter link cause it looks like an author's note and it's totally not what I was expecting. But then again, I LOVE the way you make a change with the foreword by making it like that. It's less boring and quite attractive. (Honestly saying, I am very impressed with the foreword). However, I'm sorry, but I'm like a witch who loves to read a good foreword and I'm a bad person for being too picky and strict in this part. So sadly, I'm not going to give you a full mark (still, you get a high mark cause you made it different than the others). I realized that the foreword is made easy and clean, but it doesn't show what a reader can get by reading your story. A little teaser would be great, not too long but just right. I could give you 9/10 for that (:
Plot : 15/15
I don't think I have given other writers perfect score in this. Not before, not even in my previous life and I doubt that I'll be giving this perfect score in my next life. No, I am kidding :D.. Well, the fact that I've never given other writers a perfect score is true. Your plot is perfect to me. I don't know if others feel the same, but this plot is very well-organized and intensely neat too. The way you arrange everything in order is well likely admirable. I am really impressed, very impressed.
Creativity/ Originality : 14/15
Well, that score is pretty high too. I wonder if I could cut more marks from here. No, I can't. All my given scores here are fixed and I'm sure about that. The creativity is very strong and amazing. Instead of leaving the story as it is, you added funny scenes and pull the uniqueness out of the story. However, I am sure that you are informed yourself that the story about two people from different worlds is quite common but I won't reduce your mark just like that. Why? Because you made this fic and plotline very intelligently yours by changing the facts and not following the common stories in winglin. Well done.
Flow : 8/10
At first it was okay but then it felt like the story is being rushed. It would be better if you put this story to 5 chapters where the last chapter can be the part when they 'lived happily ever after'. Honestly, I don't really like long chapters because people can get easily distracted, thus they will lose their interest in reading the chapters. Did I tell you that it hurts my back reading long chapters? Sadly...
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
Your language is fine, but do take note that you mixed up some of the past and present tenses. You write some on-going habits in past tense, example, their likes and dislikes. These things will always be hated/loved by the characters over a period of time, so it will be in present tense, not past tense.
My own example: (You can find yours in your writing)
My name is Anna. (x = my name was Anna)
*x = wrong.
I have to put it in present tense because I will still be Anna over a period of time. Unless I got killed by a monster truck and is renamed as Heenim or Yesung. (That's just an example)
Fragment errors were also spotted, but they're not something really big, just making the sentence to appear a little 'went off'.
Characterization : 8/10
SoEun and Kimbum are described perfectly, however, I think excessive characters is a bit unnecessary since it will divert the attention given to the main characters to the minor characters. I like how Leeteuk is there to help Kimbum whereas Eunkyung is helping SoEun, BUT, when I read about the relationship part, I was a bit surprised.. This is a short story, and you should concentrate on the MAIN characters, not the minors. If this is longer, then the minors would be very, very good to include.
Writing style : 9/10
It's clean, and neat. I like it. Only the 'thoughts' and the “speech” confused me.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
Very enjoyable, but I started to drift off when I was on Chapter 4. Even the chapter itself is too long, so I was losing my concentration. This story is great, but with the long chapters, you can easily confuse people. (I said this earlier, didn't I?)
Suggestion: Keep it longer by posting the other parts in new chapters. OR leave a cliffhanger, that would be interesting.
Sub total : 87/100
Bonus : 2/5
For making it funny and not just a normal love story.
Total : 89/100
That's high :D I haven't given that figure for a long time. I have reviewed more than 60 fics, and I must say, this is one of the best fic I've reviewed. Good job.
Title : Questionable Fluff
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/flavored_7/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Note: Your preferred reviewer isn't available, so I'm taking this request on her behalf.
-
Title : 4/5
The first thing that caught me was your author's name, not your title, surprisingly. Of course, being curious, I did click the link once but that was because I wanted to see your poster (I'm sorry, I'm being too honest here). After repeating the title over and over, it feels like my lips are getting used to mumbling your title, and I must admit, it does sound a little cute.
First impression : 10/10
I definitely love Phebs' artwork and I swear, you can't ask other designer to design the 'almost' same poster like Phebs did. She has been designing most of my posters before I get to handle photoshop well, and I really love the way she blends things. I did mention earlier that I clicked your story just cause I want to see how the poster looks like.. Well, I've seen both posters without fail. I saw them earlier at ROL (i-DEAS) and I wanted to see how they look again when you use them. Man, that didn't disappoint me. I totally love the artwork and your link color is good too. The font was easy to read, although I would wish that winglin would have a bigger font (I think that most of the winglin readers are now having bad eyesight. Yeah, sue winglin).
Forewords : 8/10
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!” --Yeah, that was what I said when I read your foreword. I thought that maybe I clicked the wrong chapter link cause it looks like an author's note and it's totally not what I was expecting. But then again, I LOVE the way you make a change with the foreword by making it like that. It's less boring and quite attractive. (Honestly saying, I am very impressed with the foreword). However, I'm sorry, but I'm like a witch who loves to read a good foreword and I'm a bad person for being too picky and strict in this part. So sadly, I'm not going to give you a full mark (still, you get a high mark cause you made it different than the others). I realized that the foreword is made easy and clean, but it doesn't show what a reader can get by reading your story. A little teaser would be great, not too long but just right. I could give you 9/10 for that (:
Plot : 15/15
I don't think I have given other writers perfect score in this. Not before, not even in my previous life and I doubt that I'll be giving this perfect score in my next life. No, I am kidding :D.. Well, the fact that I've never given other writers a perfect score is true. Your plot is perfect to me. I don't know if others feel the same, but this plot is very well-organized and intensely neat too. The way you arrange everything in order is well likely admirable. I am really impressed, very impressed.
Creativity/ Originality : 14/15
Well, that score is pretty high too. I wonder if I could cut more marks from here. No, I can't. All my given scores here are fixed and I'm sure about that. The creativity is very strong and amazing. Instead of leaving the story as it is, you added funny scenes and pull the uniqueness out of the story. However, I am sure that you are informed yourself that the story about two people from different worlds is quite common but I won't reduce your mark just like that. Why? Because you made this fic and plotline very intelligently yours by changing the facts and not following the common stories in winglin. Well done.
Flow : 8/10
At first it was okay but then it felt like the story is being rushed. It would be better if you put this story to 5 chapters where the last chapter can be the part when they 'lived happily ever after'. Honestly, I don't really like long chapters because people can get easily distracted, thus they will lose their interest in reading the chapters. Did I tell you that it hurts my back reading long chapters? Sadly...
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
Your language is fine, but do take note that you mixed up some of the past and present tenses. You write some on-going habits in past tense, example, their likes and dislikes. These things will always be hated/loved by the characters over a period of time, so it will be in present tense, not past tense.
My own example: (You can find yours in your writing)
My name is Anna. (x = my name was Anna)
*x = wrong.
I have to put it in present tense because I will still be Anna over a period of time. Unless I got killed by a monster truck and is renamed as Heenim or Yesung. (That's just an example)
Fragment errors were also spotted, but they're not something really big, just making the sentence to appear a little 'went off'.
Characterization : 8/10
SoEun and Kimbum are described perfectly, however, I think excessive characters is a bit unnecessary since it will divert the attention given to the main characters to the minor characters. I like how Leeteuk is there to help Kimbum whereas Eunkyung is helping SoEun, BUT, when I read about the relationship part, I was a bit surprised.. This is a short story, and you should concentrate on the MAIN characters, not the minors. If this is longer, then the minors would be very, very good to include.
Writing style : 9/10
It's clean, and neat. I like it. Only the 'thoughts' and the “speech” confused me.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
Very enjoyable, but I started to drift off when I was on Chapter 4. Even the chapter itself is too long, so I was losing my concentration. This story is great, but with the long chapters, you can easily confuse people. (I said this earlier, didn't I?)
Suggestion: Keep it longer by posting the other parts in new chapters. OR leave a cliffhanger, that would be interesting.
Sub total : 87/100
Bonus : 2/5
For making it funny and not just a normal love story.
Total : 89/100
That's high :D I haven't given that figure for a long time. I have reviewed more than 60 fics, and I must say, this is one of the best fic I've reviewed. Good job.
She's all that by Cutterpillow
Author : Cutterpillow
Title : She's all that
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SAT/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
P/S: Your requested reviewer isn't available, so it is automatically passed to me.
Title : 1.5/5
Frankly, I would just give you 1 and not 1.5 but because (maybe) you had planned this title yourself, I will go a little bit soft on this one. I didn't think the title is attractive enough. I have seen this one on winglin quite numerous times but I have never intended on clicking it. Simple, it doesn't attract me at all. Second is because your title doesn't match well with the story and it definitely doesn't emphasize the whole plot. What you did was matching the title with the 'snobby' term in a girl. However, I didn't see that criteria in Rosa's personality. On the contrary, maybe you are trying to link it to Rosa's personality, just that it doesn't emphasize enough and perhaps you made a wrong choice in deciding the title.
First impression : 8/10
Good, I love the poster and I think it is lovely but do change the link colors okay? I really hate it when writers leave it using the default colors. Why not change the color? Why did you leave it purple and blue? They are not attractive, nor did they beautify the page. You have a lovely poster and you should make use of changing the color link so everything will be intact and pretty. In case you don't know a website for color codes, here it is.. http://www.computerhope.com/htmcolor..htm
Forewords : 5/10
I repeat this every time I receive a review request, I love a good foreword. I give people low marks because I want to encourage them to improve, and not to humiliate them. Everyone has a room for improvement and so does your foreword. I like your plot summary although it doesn't go well with what the REAL plot is. Here, you said that he's the school's heartthrob but in actual story, he's just a new guy coming to the school (and happen to be the cousin of Uchi, that's why he's famous) BUT do remember that you may give readers' a false tint of introduction of your characters. I know that you summarize basically the main point, but it doesn't mean that your foreword is interesting. You should include some intriguing parts, especially on 'what makes them fight and fall in love'. The rest is up to your own creativity.
Plot : 8/15
No, I don't really favor the plot because it is quite complicated and messy. I don't like how some parts are exaggerated too much and they become cliché, nonsensical and superfluous. Honestly, it is over-used and very plain indeed. I know you were trying your best to bring out the plot, but it needs more of everything into it. I'm sorry but it really bothers me that your plot is not as unique as what I was expecting. I think you should learn more on how to manage the plot and how to keep it in order.
Creativity/ Originality : 7/15
As I've said earlier, your story is not original and it is very overused. I might as well say that this story is predictable, nothing new and everything goes with my expectation. You didn't use much creativity either, which reduces you marks here. I don't know why I am giving you 7, since it is supposed to be less than that. But I'm being lenient for today so I won't be too strict. You should add twists, make more creative description and so on.
Flow : 6/10
Very fast and superfluous. I was expecting a full-length story and not just a short story, but sadly, the story stays the same. You shouldn't rush things, it makes me feel as if the main characters are impatient and very sharp in decision-making. Go slow on some part, take your time to understand your characters.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 4/10
I understand that English is not your first language so don't expect high mark in this. Let me tell you all those mistakes you have in chapter 2. (Yes, just chapter 2 first)
Here, you used 'past tense' as overall writing, but you mixed them with 'present tense'.
1. As I look through the clear glass window, I saw the sun is setting. I immediately close the book that I am reading. I stood up, and pull my bag on the table. I didn’t bother to put it inside my bag. I put the strap on my shoulder. I went outside my favorite place, the library.
-As I looked through the clear glass window, I saw the sun setting. I immediately closed the book that I was reading, standing up and pulled my bag on the table. I didn't bother to put the book inside my bag and placed the strap on my shoulder.. I went to my favorite place, the library.
2. When I saw, Uchi and his minions-Noda and Shin on their way outside the locker room. I immediately skip on my locker, to change my shoes. Uchi, ever the asshole, yelled out. “Rosa! Wanna have some fun tonight?” They all laughed. I just ignored them like I always do. They all think their hot, but I think their just bunch of jerks.
-When I saw Uchi and his minions, Noda and Shin on their way outside the locker room, I immediately skipped on my locker to change my shoes. Uchi, the ever asshole yelled out, “Rosa! Wanna have some fun tonight?” They all laughed and I ignored them like I always do. They think they're hot but they're just a bunch of jerks.
Actually, you have more on Chapter 2, and the rest of the chapters but if I were to correct them all, it'll be like writing a new story for you. Every paragraphs has its own mistakes, which is very, very upsetting. Your vocabulary is simple and not complex, but I won't ask you to use big vocabulary since you have to improve on your grammar and tenses.
Characterization : 7/10
The Japanese characters are new to me, although I know Hiruma Miura, I am still not familiar with his personality. You didn't play your characters well and you need to improve on this too. You should not rush things and take your time to understand your characters. I've mentioned this above and you need to really start cleanly.
Writing style : 6/10
Not descriptive, but at least it isn't packed in one sentence. You language is weak, and maybe that's the reason why it cuts down the attention given to your writing style. Here's what you can do, read a good story (not winglin stories) but real storybooks. It helps to improve your writing style.
Overall enjoyment : 1/5
Sub total : 53.5/100
Bonus : 1/5
Total : 54.5/100
Don't be discouraged by the marks, what really matters is your true dedication. Everyone needs to improve. I hope you won't take this as a bad thing, and please learn from the mistakes. Good luck on your new story.
Title : She's all that
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SAT/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
P/S: Your requested reviewer isn't available, so it is automatically passed to me.
Title : 1.5/5
Frankly, I would just give you 1 and not 1.5 but because (maybe) you had planned this title yourself, I will go a little bit soft on this one. I didn't think the title is attractive enough. I have seen this one on winglin quite numerous times but I have never intended on clicking it. Simple, it doesn't attract me at all. Second is because your title doesn't match well with the story and it definitely doesn't emphasize the whole plot. What you did was matching the title with the 'snobby' term in a girl. However, I didn't see that criteria in Rosa's personality. On the contrary, maybe you are trying to link it to Rosa's personality, just that it doesn't emphasize enough and perhaps you made a wrong choice in deciding the title.
First impression : 8/10
Good, I love the poster and I think it is lovely but do change the link colors okay? I really hate it when writers leave it using the default colors. Why not change the color? Why did you leave it purple and blue? They are not attractive, nor did they beautify the page. You have a lovely poster and you should make use of changing the color link so everything will be intact and pretty. In case you don't know a website for color codes, here it is.. http://www.computerhope.com/htmcolor..htm
Forewords : 5/10
I repeat this every time I receive a review request, I love a good foreword. I give people low marks because I want to encourage them to improve, and not to humiliate them. Everyone has a room for improvement and so does your foreword. I like your plot summary although it doesn't go well with what the REAL plot is. Here, you said that he's the school's heartthrob but in actual story, he's just a new guy coming to the school (and happen to be the cousin of Uchi, that's why he's famous) BUT do remember that you may give readers' a false tint of introduction of your characters. I know that you summarize basically the main point, but it doesn't mean that your foreword is interesting. You should include some intriguing parts, especially on 'what makes them fight and fall in love'. The rest is up to your own creativity.
Plot : 8/15
No, I don't really favor the plot because it is quite complicated and messy. I don't like how some parts are exaggerated too much and they become cliché, nonsensical and superfluous. Honestly, it is over-used and very plain indeed. I know you were trying your best to bring out the plot, but it needs more of everything into it. I'm sorry but it really bothers me that your plot is not as unique as what I was expecting. I think you should learn more on how to manage the plot and how to keep it in order.
Creativity/ Originality : 7/15
As I've said earlier, your story is not original and it is very overused. I might as well say that this story is predictable, nothing new and everything goes with my expectation. You didn't use much creativity either, which reduces you marks here. I don't know why I am giving you 7, since it is supposed to be less than that. But I'm being lenient for today so I won't be too strict. You should add twists, make more creative description and so on.
Flow : 6/10
Very fast and superfluous. I was expecting a full-length story and not just a short story, but sadly, the story stays the same. You shouldn't rush things, it makes me feel as if the main characters are impatient and very sharp in decision-making. Go slow on some part, take your time to understand your characters.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 4/10
I understand that English is not your first language so don't expect high mark in this. Let me tell you all those mistakes you have in chapter 2. (Yes, just chapter 2 first)
Here, you used 'past tense' as overall writing, but you mixed them with 'present tense'.
1. As I look through the clear glass window, I saw the sun is setting. I immediately close the book that I am reading. I stood up, and pull my bag on the table. I didn’t bother to put it inside my bag. I put the strap on my shoulder. I went outside my favorite place, the library.
-As I looked through the clear glass window, I saw the sun setting. I immediately closed the book that I was reading, standing up and pulled my bag on the table. I didn't bother to put the book inside my bag and placed the strap on my shoulder.. I went to my favorite place, the library.
2. When I saw, Uchi and his minions-Noda and Shin on their way outside the locker room. I immediately skip on my locker, to change my shoes. Uchi, ever the asshole, yelled out. “Rosa! Wanna have some fun tonight?” They all laughed. I just ignored them like I always do. They all think their hot, but I think their just bunch of jerks.
-When I saw Uchi and his minions, Noda and Shin on their way outside the locker room, I immediately skipped on my locker to change my shoes. Uchi, the ever asshole yelled out, “Rosa! Wanna have some fun tonight?” They all laughed and I ignored them like I always do. They think they're hot but they're just a bunch of jerks.
Actually, you have more on Chapter 2, and the rest of the chapters but if I were to correct them all, it'll be like writing a new story for you. Every paragraphs has its own mistakes, which is very, very upsetting. Your vocabulary is simple and not complex, but I won't ask you to use big vocabulary since you have to improve on your grammar and tenses.
Characterization : 7/10
The Japanese characters are new to me, although I know Hiruma Miura, I am still not familiar with his personality. You didn't play your characters well and you need to improve on this too. You should not rush things and take your time to understand your characters. I've mentioned this above and you need to really start cleanly.
Writing style : 6/10
Not descriptive, but at least it isn't packed in one sentence. You language is weak, and maybe that's the reason why it cuts down the attention given to your writing style. Here's what you can do, read a good story (not winglin stories) but real storybooks. It helps to improve your writing style.
Overall enjoyment : 1/5
Sub total : 53.5/100
Bonus : 1/5
Total : 54.5/100
Don't be discouraged by the marks, what really matters is your true dedication. Everyone needs to improve. I hope you won't take this as a bad thing, and please learn from the mistakes. Good luck on your new story.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Not enough love by Yunni
Author : Yunni
Title : Not enough love
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/not_enough/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 3/5
Okay, the title is average to me and it doesn't revolve around the plot (in my opinion). Being honest, I re-read this story three times to understand if there is any connection between the title and the plot but it doesn't impress me at all. The only thing I found quite matching is the closing part, in Taemin's letter. It says, “Yumin, you're my best friend. It's not that our love wasn't strong enough. It's not because I don't or didn't love you enough...just sometimes, things aren't meant to be.”
If you carefully observe your own plot, you know that it's emphasizing on guardian angels and Taemin's promise, not because of their love that wasn't enough. If I were to judge, I can see that they both have strong friendship, and there's nothing else that could come between them. That's why the title couldn't be 'not enough love'. Still, I think this is your own choice and I have no right to complain it. I'm just here to voice out my opinion and give an honest review.
First impression : 8/10
First thing I looked forward to is the poster. I wanted to see how strong a poster can reflect the story, and luckily, it gets on my good side. I like the picture of Taemin closing his eyes and I like your background too. The background is simple, and it makes the words easier to read. I wouldn't suggest a complicated background here because your background color is already blue, and when your background color goes with the 'nice-but-a-little-bit-complicated-and-poorly-collaged-pictures' type of background, it would totally kill readers off. Bo made a good job in maintaining it simple and nice. However, because this is like, a guardian angel setting, I prefer if you have a white poster and background, or anything light. It shows how heartwarming you story is, and believe me, it'll give out more significant meaning.
Forewords : 6/10
You know me, I am fussy when it comes to forewords. I rarely give out full score, trust me. The foreword is merely short and the sentences were pulled out from your one-shot. I really believe that Yunni can make something better as the foreword, something that is tempting, something that is worth waiting and something that is original. The current foreword that you have is quite lacking and the chopped sentences don't really know what they're standing for. I'm not asking for a long foreword because it would simply give out and unravel the plot. Know how to summarize without spoiling the whole plot, that's what a good writer will do.
Suggestion: include the part which can describe a feeling, and concentrate on it.
Plot : 11.5/15
I don't have much to say here, because I have said it in your past review and it would only make you roll your eyes because Anna has annoyed you repeatedly. I'm sorry for that, just doing the job. Well, I did mention about choppy sentences right? And how I want to see a clean way of changing the narrators. I know your story is based on two POVs, and you had to chop come paragraph to put it under Yumin, and some under Taemin. I don't want you to state the names, I want you to know how to TELL us the change of narration. Define the differences when Taemin and Yumin are talking; so people will know whose turn is it even by not looking at the stated POV. If you don't know how to make a clean narrator change, you can still do what you're doing (stating the POV) but do not overuse it too much. Don't put it under Taemin, and the next second, you put it under Yumin, the next one under Taemin again, and under Yumin again (goes on and on). I need to give reasons here, not just telling this and that. My reason is because there will be some readers who are slow in changing the emotions of each characters. Taemin and Yumin have different perspective and they are probably having different thoughts and feelings. If you want the readers to really feel what the characters are feeling, do not change the narration repeatedly. Find a way to reach those feelings to your readers so they can understand it better. Imagine your readers reading the story under Taemin's POV, just when they are about to feel the emotion, the narrator changes to Yumin (sudden change of emotion since they can't feel Taemin's feeling anymore because it is now concentrated on Yumin's POV). You get what I mean?
Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
Thank you for making this as a friendship story and not a love story, although I was hoping that it would be a love story for Taemin and Yumin. Then again, the author knows the best for her characters. Talk about creativity first, I like the ending where Taemin was there to save her even though she was losing a lot of blood. Also the part where the nurses laughed it off when someone mentioned about guardian angels. I think that part shows some humanity and reality, where people take this as a fairy-tale but beyond that, anything can actually happen. BUT, I noticed that both of your stories are now mentioning about angels –I like it, but please do not overuse it. If your next story is about angels too, I don't know if I can give a high score for your creativity. I might as well lose my interest in angels generally. Originality, sadly I have read the same story about guardian angels before and this isn't my first time reading it. I didn't know the cause of Taemin's death, but I really hope it is not cancer (since it would totally pull off your originality).
Flow : 8/10
The beginning was okay but you rushed when it was about to end. It's like, you're trying to catch up the time. I don't know if anyone noticed this, but I do. You didn't give space for her to reminisce what Taemin had promised her. Perhaps you can express more on how she feels after waking up from the operation, and how she suddenly remembers it is Taemin's promise that saved her life. You did mention about this, but in three lines, making it look like you are really rushing to end it.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6.5/10
I found some mistakes..
1.I turned around, closing my book and raising an eyebrow casually at you.
~I turned around, closing my book and raised an eyebrow casually at you.
2....sitting across from a girl with her hair...
~....sitting across a girl with her hair... (You have two prepositions here and 'from' is unnecessary)
3. and each year, we were in the same classes.
~ and every year, we were in the same class. (you're talking about each year, meaning, every year and it represents a single moment. Each year sounds a little stiff and not suitable. They are in the same class, one class and not classes)
4. I pointed up at it, facing those stars.
~ I pointed up at them, facing those stars.
5. as I felt the tears stinging my eyes.
~ as I felt the tears pooling in my eyes. (Tears don't really sting, you cannot feel the sting if you're about to cry. You nose does, not your eyes.)
6. through my eyes and down my cheeks,
~ from my eyes and down my cheeks.
7. as your hand rested in mine above my chest.
~ as your hand rested with mine on my chest. (Above chest can be ANYWHERE above the chest, even if it's floating on air, it's still above the chest. So the right word is 'on' the chest, literally putting the hands on your chest.)
You repeated the 'as' a lot of time. I tried to ignore it, but it comes to me irritatingly and it destroys the whole writing style. Other than that, preposition might be a slight problem for you. I have spotted more mistakes but I can only point those above for now since I have a lot to talk about. Repeated words, wrong preposition, fragment errors are quite common in fanfics nowadays. No one writes perfect fanfic without any flow, no matter how good the writer is. They still need to revise them and ask someone to do it for them. The best way is to learn from your mistake. (:
Characterization : 8/10
Despite the confusing narration change, you managed the characters well. You do lack in characters' background information and Taemin's special personality. You didn't mention Taemin's sickness. Other than that, it's good.
Writing style : 8/10
The repeated words and the choppy sentences make their way to the deconstruction of your writing style. You have to get a good grip of them and make sure they won't repeat themselves in your next attempt. I have said about the narration change above (PLOT AREA) and also repeated words (S/G/V). Try using big words and construct a detailed sentence, because I like reading a detailed story as it will reach me better, especially in sad stories. If you don't have confidence in doing it, you can start slowly and you'll eventually learn it.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
Sub total : 74/100
Bonus : 2/5
Total : 76/100
I am strict to those whom I think are capable to do something better. You have potential, Yunni. You just need to slowly unravel your talent and learn little by little. We cannot be perfect in just a day or two, but it needs determination and strong patience. Keep it up, dear.
Title : Not enough love
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/not_enough/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 3/5
Okay, the title is average to me and it doesn't revolve around the plot (in my opinion). Being honest, I re-read this story three times to understand if there is any connection between the title and the plot but it doesn't impress me at all. The only thing I found quite matching is the closing part, in Taemin's letter. It says, “Yumin, you're my best friend. It's not that our love wasn't strong enough. It's not because I don't or didn't love you enough...just sometimes, things aren't meant to be.”
If you carefully observe your own plot, you know that it's emphasizing on guardian angels and Taemin's promise, not because of their love that wasn't enough. If I were to judge, I can see that they both have strong friendship, and there's nothing else that could come between them. That's why the title couldn't be 'not enough love'. Still, I think this is your own choice and I have no right to complain it. I'm just here to voice out my opinion and give an honest review.
First impression : 8/10
First thing I looked forward to is the poster. I wanted to see how strong a poster can reflect the story, and luckily, it gets on my good side. I like the picture of Taemin closing his eyes and I like your background too. The background is simple, and it makes the words easier to read. I wouldn't suggest a complicated background here because your background color is already blue, and when your background color goes with the 'nice-but-a-little-bit-complicated-and-poorly-collaged-pictures' type of background, it would totally kill readers off. Bo made a good job in maintaining it simple and nice. However, because this is like, a guardian angel setting, I prefer if you have a white poster and background, or anything light. It shows how heartwarming you story is, and believe me, it'll give out more significant meaning.
Forewords : 6/10
You know me, I am fussy when it comes to forewords. I rarely give out full score, trust me. The foreword is merely short and the sentences were pulled out from your one-shot. I really believe that Yunni can make something better as the foreword, something that is tempting, something that is worth waiting and something that is original. The current foreword that you have is quite lacking and the chopped sentences don't really know what they're standing for. I'm not asking for a long foreword because it would simply give out and unravel the plot. Know how to summarize without spoiling the whole plot, that's what a good writer will do.
Suggestion: include the part which can describe a feeling, and concentrate on it.
Plot : 11.5/15
I don't have much to say here, because I have said it in your past review and it would only make you roll your eyes because Anna has annoyed you repeatedly. I'm sorry for that, just doing the job. Well, I did mention about choppy sentences right? And how I want to see a clean way of changing the narrators. I know your story is based on two POVs, and you had to chop come paragraph to put it under Yumin, and some under Taemin. I don't want you to state the names, I want you to know how to TELL us the change of narration. Define the differences when Taemin and Yumin are talking; so people will know whose turn is it even by not looking at the stated POV. If you don't know how to make a clean narrator change, you can still do what you're doing (stating the POV) but do not overuse it too much. Don't put it under Taemin, and the next second, you put it under Yumin, the next one under Taemin again, and under Yumin again (goes on and on). I need to give reasons here, not just telling this and that. My reason is because there will be some readers who are slow in changing the emotions of each characters. Taemin and Yumin have different perspective and they are probably having different thoughts and feelings. If you want the readers to really feel what the characters are feeling, do not change the narration repeatedly. Find a way to reach those feelings to your readers so they can understand it better. Imagine your readers reading the story under Taemin's POV, just when they are about to feel the emotion, the narrator changes to Yumin (sudden change of emotion since they can't feel Taemin's feeling anymore because it is now concentrated on Yumin's POV). You get what I mean?
Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
Thank you for making this as a friendship story and not a love story, although I was hoping that it would be a love story for Taemin and Yumin. Then again, the author knows the best for her characters. Talk about creativity first, I like the ending where Taemin was there to save her even though she was losing a lot of blood. Also the part where the nurses laughed it off when someone mentioned about guardian angels. I think that part shows some humanity and reality, where people take this as a fairy-tale but beyond that, anything can actually happen. BUT, I noticed that both of your stories are now mentioning about angels –I like it, but please do not overuse it. If your next story is about angels too, I don't know if I can give a high score for your creativity. I might as well lose my interest in angels generally. Originality, sadly I have read the same story about guardian angels before and this isn't my first time reading it. I didn't know the cause of Taemin's death, but I really hope it is not cancer (since it would totally pull off your originality).
Flow : 8/10
The beginning was okay but you rushed when it was about to end. It's like, you're trying to catch up the time. I don't know if anyone noticed this, but I do. You didn't give space for her to reminisce what Taemin had promised her. Perhaps you can express more on how she feels after waking up from the operation, and how she suddenly remembers it is Taemin's promise that saved her life. You did mention about this, but in three lines, making it look like you are really rushing to end it.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6.5/10
I found some mistakes..
1.I turned around, closing my book and raising an eyebrow casually at you.
~I turned around, closing my book and raised an eyebrow casually at you.
2....sitting across from a girl with her hair...
~....sitting across a girl with her hair... (You have two prepositions here and 'from' is unnecessary)
3. and each year, we were in the same classes.
~ and every year, we were in the same class. (you're talking about each year, meaning, every year and it represents a single moment. Each year sounds a little stiff and not suitable. They are in the same class, one class and not classes)
4. I pointed up at it, facing those stars.
~ I pointed up at them, facing those stars.
5. as I felt the tears stinging my eyes.
~ as I felt the tears pooling in my eyes. (Tears don't really sting, you cannot feel the sting if you're about to cry. You nose does, not your eyes.)
6. through my eyes and down my cheeks,
~ from my eyes and down my cheeks.
7. as your hand rested in mine above my chest.
~ as your hand rested with mine on my chest. (Above chest can be ANYWHERE above the chest, even if it's floating on air, it's still above the chest. So the right word is 'on' the chest, literally putting the hands on your chest.)
You repeated the 'as' a lot of time. I tried to ignore it, but it comes to me irritatingly and it destroys the whole writing style. Other than that, preposition might be a slight problem for you. I have spotted more mistakes but I can only point those above for now since I have a lot to talk about. Repeated words, wrong preposition, fragment errors are quite common in fanfics nowadays. No one writes perfect fanfic without any flow, no matter how good the writer is. They still need to revise them and ask someone to do it for them. The best way is to learn from your mistake. (:
Characterization : 8/10
Despite the confusing narration change, you managed the characters well. You do lack in characters' background information and Taemin's special personality. You didn't mention Taemin's sickness. Other than that, it's good.
Writing style : 8/10
The repeated words and the choppy sentences make their way to the deconstruction of your writing style. You have to get a good grip of them and make sure they won't repeat themselves in your next attempt. I have said about the narration change above (PLOT AREA) and also repeated words (S/G/V). Try using big words and construct a detailed sentence, because I like reading a detailed story as it will reach me better, especially in sad stories. If you don't have confidence in doing it, you can start slowly and you'll eventually learn it.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
Sub total : 74/100
Bonus : 2/5
Total : 76/100
I am strict to those whom I think are capable to do something better. You have potential, Yunni. You just need to slowly unravel your talent and learn little by little. We cannot be perfect in just a day or two, but it needs determination and strong patience. Keep it up, dear.
Friday, September 11, 2009
The Flaming Winter by Pararae
Author : Pararae
Title : The Flaming Winter
Link : http://www.asianfanfics.com/index.php/story/view/211
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 4/5
When I first saw this review request, I didn't pay much attention to the title. Maybe it didn't really catch me on the spot and it gave me the same impression I had when I read other common stories. Slowly exploring the story, I figured that the title is actually quite unique and it is derived originally from your plot. I understand why you put flaming winter; because you're trying to tell the readers that the 'flaming' here is about how the girl lost her home and how she blamed herself for the lost. Like a flame, eating the girl inside and out. The title is neat, and the capitalization is good. (Although it is not necessary to capitalize in a title, but that's okay. Capitalizing isn't really a big problem either).
First impression : 7/10
This site is different from Winglin and it doesn't really require you to put a background. Even if you do have a background, I don't think it will look good. The white background and the big font make it easier to read, and I like it. However, without a background (like how winglin accounts usually look like) it lacks of virtual gloomy feeling, and I couldn't feel the full vibe of the story. It's plain and a little boring, making the story less attractive and less emphasized. The poster, on the other hand, is okay. I have to admit that I am very picky in graphics and I love to see good quality of posters. I like yours but the boy's face blends in too much with the background. The poster's background is dark, and Sohee's picture is almost drowned by it too. I know this is not your main problem since you're not the one who made the poster, but I believe you were the one who picked Sohee's picture (correct me if I am wrong). Well, Sohee's picture doesn't match at all with your plot. In the story, it portrays a sad, tattered girl but if you see from the picture, Sohee is perfectly smiling.
Forewords : -/10
I am very strict in this section but since you told me that you didn't include a proper foreword, I will leave this out.
Plot : 10/15
I don't really favor the way you plot your story. You started the story with describing what she was feeling, which is good but right after that, everything goes really confusing. The part before the flashback is understandable but when I read the flashback, I wasn't sure if the dad was still alive or the mother killed him already. I know you're trying to tell the present before telling the past, but they were all mixed up. You are good, and you have your own idea for the plot/storyline but you still have to improve in organizing the plot. Arrange them in particular order and if you want to put flashbacks, make sure you make it perfect and round, not stopping halfway. Prevent superfluous sentences and do not make too cliché. I don't mind a cliché story; killing her husband, burning the house down, BUT I need a reason for that. Why did she do that?
Creativity/ Originality : 13.5/15
Yes, you are original enough with your story and the mood that you set on it is quite creative too. I don't have much to complain here, because you know what to do. I like your idea of relating Mimi's pain to the flaming winter, it's likable. You avoided from using the common lines and I believe the idea itself comes from you. Maybe it is because this story is a one-shot, so the creativity of making it nice is there. You didn't lose the creativity, and it's pretty impressive. However, do remember that one-shot and long stories (20 chapters and so) are two different things. You may ace in one-shot, but you will have to work harder if you're planning to write long stories. In long stories, people tend to lose their creativity slowly as the chapters pass by.
Flow : 7/10
It was fast, and I would appreciate if you go slower and explain more on what happened in the past. The beginning till the middle part is okay but the ending is a bit abrupt. You were telling about the mother who killed her own husband, burning her house down and suddenly the girl was taken away by that man. I didn't get to know what made her mother angry and her reason for doing that to her own daughter. It is wrong to have a father comforting her own daughter or she was just being jealous? Or maybe she was barely sane from the start? See, I have a lot of questions playing in my mind. I just wish that you would tell us why, not just writing flashbacks. There are hanging paragraphs everywhere, and you didn't complete them with a good conclusion. Example the part when Mimi blamed herself for the separation, for the death, for the burning down of her own mansion. You didn't tell us why she blamed herself for that. I would categorize this as a rather mysterious, misty story since I didn't comprehend much. You need to know where to express more and where you shouldn't emphasize too much.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6.5/10
These are the mistakes I have spotted...
1-The emerald maple leaves broke itself from the breathing support...
~The emerald maple leaf broke itself from the breathing support...
2-She is lonely. And she admitted it.
~She is lonely, and she admitted it. (Don't make the sentence choppy, use linking words if needed.)
3-No more servants who can cook,
~No more servants who cook for her. (If you put 'no more servants who can cook', it basically means that the servants suddenly don't know how to cook or CAN'T COOK. Or even maybe the earth has been eating them in and out, leaving them with no more talent in cooking. These little things, even though they are simple, they can give wrong understanding if we use them wrongly.)
4-Chasing those enemy who would put her at harm
~Chasing those enemies who would put her at harm
5-A silent sob circled the frozen air as a revelation sank in deeper into her heart.
~A silent sob circled the frozen air as a revelation sank deeper into her heart. ('In' is not needed here, because you have put 'into her heart' which shows the description of what 'in' is telling.)
6-Her sob turned into a weep and slowly turned into a harsh loud cry.
~Her sob turned into a weep and slowly turned into a harsh, loud cry.
7-“LIE! I saw you kissed her in her bed! Explain that!”
~“LIE! I saw you KISS her in her bed! Explain that!” (You have put the sentence automatically into past tense by constructing 'was' at the beginning of it. So the next word shouldn't be in past tense.)
8-“She was crying. I tried to comfort her, that all!”
~“She was crying. I tried to comfort her, that's all!”
9-It was about her isn’t it?
~It was about her, wasn't it?
10-A slapped met her cheek as an angry lady lunged herself onto her and punched her on the floor.
~A slap met her cheek as an angry lady lunged herself onto her and punched her to the floor.
11-despite that her head was bruised by the punched but somehow she didn’t fell the pain at all
~despite that her head was bruised by the PUNCH but somehow she didn’t FEEL the pain at all
12-and all she can feel that time is numb.
~and all she can feel that time was numb. (You already stated by 'that time' to make it in past tense.)
13-”What are you doing? Kill her?!”
~What are you doing? Killing her?!” (It's a continuous action, not just once.) or “What are you doing? Trying to kill her?!”
14-She better off dead!
~She's better off dead!
15-The anger, jealousy and betrayal mixed in those orbs of her parent.
~The anger, jealousy and betrayal mixed in those orbs of her parents.
16-A sudden rushed of fear crept into her heart as she begun to shake uncontrollably.
~A sudden rush of fear crept into her heart as she began to shake uncontrollably. (It's RUSH OF FEAR. Not in past tense)
17-Everything turned cloudy at the moment and she slowly eaten by the guilt and pressure that came from within her own flesh and blood...
~Everything turned cloudy at the moment and she WAS slowly eaten by the guilt and pressure that came within* her own flesh and blood... (*You can use either within or from, but not both. If you realized, they are both preposition and you cannot use two prepositions at a time.)
18-Her eyes was failing her as she can only see the thin...
~Her eyes were failing her as she can only see the thin...
19-....the table with a loud ugly crack.
~....the table with a loud, ugly crack. (Do not forget your comma)
20-Kay felt to the floor...
~Kay fell to the floor...
21-And Mimi sure..
~And Mimi was sure...
22-And the last thing remember before running...
~And the last thing she remembered before running...
23-...house was her mother reached for an oil and lit up...
...house was her mother reaching for an oil and lit up... ('WAS' is placed there, so the sentence is fluently going as a continuous tense. Even by the action, you can see that it's 'reaching', and not 'reached')
You have a good vocabulary and I think your language is above normal fanfic writers. Your problems are the slight mistakes in commas, choppy sentences, wrong preposition, past and present tense and some miscellaneous errors. You made the story too dramatic by using a lot of figurative sentences. Using figurative sentences is not a problem, but using them regularly will make your story really cliché. Frankly, I was impressed by your language but sometimes, you tend to overuse words, making them unnecessary (like the figurative words). If you have time, revise your story after you are done with them and you will be able to spot the mistakes since they aren't hard to find.
Characterization : 7/10
It is nice to read new characters and not the singers/actors/uljjangs but you didn't elaborate on the characters' personalities. As I've said before, I didn't know what happened in the past. What did Mimi do? Why does her mother hate her so much? Are they not blood related? I don't know her father's personality, her mother's personality and even Mimi herself is vague and ambiguous.
Writing style : 8.5/10
I really can't say that it is 100% neat. I am a neat freak and I like everything clean. You have so many words combined in one sentences and you didn't use commas to separate them. You started few sentences with BUT and it is wrong since the first sentence before it can be joined together to form a good meaning. I think this will be a slight problem too. You need to know when to combine and when to separate sentences. DO NOT make a sentence too long without full stop because this can confuse people, unless you are really good in this.
Overall enjoyment : 2.5/5
I enjoyed reading cause I like your language and the diction used. However, I didn't really enjoy it since I don't (fully) know what was going on in the story.
Sub total : 66/90 (Minus the foreword)
Bonus : 2/5
For your language.
Total : 68/90 = 75.5%
I personally think you're a great writer. So I'll be expecting more stories from you.
Title : The Flaming Winter
Link : http://www.asianfanfics.com/index.php/story/view/211
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 4/5
When I first saw this review request, I didn't pay much attention to the title. Maybe it didn't really catch me on the spot and it gave me the same impression I had when I read other common stories. Slowly exploring the story, I figured that the title is actually quite unique and it is derived originally from your plot. I understand why you put flaming winter; because you're trying to tell the readers that the 'flaming' here is about how the girl lost her home and how she blamed herself for the lost. Like a flame, eating the girl inside and out. The title is neat, and the capitalization is good. (Although it is not necessary to capitalize in a title, but that's okay. Capitalizing isn't really a big problem either).
First impression : 7/10
This site is different from Winglin and it doesn't really require you to put a background. Even if you do have a background, I don't think it will look good. The white background and the big font make it easier to read, and I like it. However, without a background (like how winglin accounts usually look like) it lacks of virtual gloomy feeling, and I couldn't feel the full vibe of the story. It's plain and a little boring, making the story less attractive and less emphasized. The poster, on the other hand, is okay. I have to admit that I am very picky in graphics and I love to see good quality of posters. I like yours but the boy's face blends in too much with the background. The poster's background is dark, and Sohee's picture is almost drowned by it too. I know this is not your main problem since you're not the one who made the poster, but I believe you were the one who picked Sohee's picture (correct me if I am wrong). Well, Sohee's picture doesn't match at all with your plot. In the story, it portrays a sad, tattered girl but if you see from the picture, Sohee is perfectly smiling.
Forewords : -/10
I am very strict in this section but since you told me that you didn't include a proper foreword, I will leave this out.
Plot : 10/15
I don't really favor the way you plot your story. You started the story with describing what she was feeling, which is good but right after that, everything goes really confusing. The part before the flashback is understandable but when I read the flashback, I wasn't sure if the dad was still alive or the mother killed him already. I know you're trying to tell the present before telling the past, but they were all mixed up. You are good, and you have your own idea for the plot/storyline but you still have to improve in organizing the plot. Arrange them in particular order and if you want to put flashbacks, make sure you make it perfect and round, not stopping halfway. Prevent superfluous sentences and do not make too cliché. I don't mind a cliché story; killing her husband, burning the house down, BUT I need a reason for that. Why did she do that?
Creativity/ Originality : 13.5/15
Yes, you are original enough with your story and the mood that you set on it is quite creative too. I don't have much to complain here, because you know what to do. I like your idea of relating Mimi's pain to the flaming winter, it's likable. You avoided from using the common lines and I believe the idea itself comes from you. Maybe it is because this story is a one-shot, so the creativity of making it nice is there. You didn't lose the creativity, and it's pretty impressive. However, do remember that one-shot and long stories (20 chapters and so) are two different things. You may ace in one-shot, but you will have to work harder if you're planning to write long stories. In long stories, people tend to lose their creativity slowly as the chapters pass by.
Flow : 7/10
It was fast, and I would appreciate if you go slower and explain more on what happened in the past. The beginning till the middle part is okay but the ending is a bit abrupt. You were telling about the mother who killed her own husband, burning her house down and suddenly the girl was taken away by that man. I didn't get to know what made her mother angry and her reason for doing that to her own daughter. It is wrong to have a father comforting her own daughter or she was just being jealous? Or maybe she was barely sane from the start? See, I have a lot of questions playing in my mind. I just wish that you would tell us why, not just writing flashbacks. There are hanging paragraphs everywhere, and you didn't complete them with a good conclusion. Example the part when Mimi blamed herself for the separation, for the death, for the burning down of her own mansion. You didn't tell us why she blamed herself for that. I would categorize this as a rather mysterious, misty story since I didn't comprehend much. You need to know where to express more and where you shouldn't emphasize too much.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6.5/10
These are the mistakes I have spotted...
1-The emerald maple leaves broke itself from the breathing support...
~The emerald maple leaf broke itself from the breathing support...
2-She is lonely. And she admitted it.
~She is lonely, and she admitted it. (Don't make the sentence choppy, use linking words if needed.)
3-No more servants who can cook,
~No more servants who cook for her. (If you put 'no more servants who can cook', it basically means that the servants suddenly don't know how to cook or CAN'T COOK. Or even maybe the earth has been eating them in and out, leaving them with no more talent in cooking. These little things, even though they are simple, they can give wrong understanding if we use them wrongly.)
4-Chasing those enemy who would put her at harm
~Chasing those enemies who would put her at harm
5-A silent sob circled the frozen air as a revelation sank in deeper into her heart.
~A silent sob circled the frozen air as a revelation sank deeper into her heart. ('In' is not needed here, because you have put 'into her heart' which shows the description of what 'in' is telling.)
6-Her sob turned into a weep and slowly turned into a harsh loud cry.
~Her sob turned into a weep and slowly turned into a harsh, loud cry.
7-“LIE! I saw you kissed her in her bed! Explain that!”
~“LIE! I saw you KISS her in her bed! Explain that!” (You have put the sentence automatically into past tense by constructing 'was' at the beginning of it. So the next word shouldn't be in past tense.)
8-“She was crying. I tried to comfort her, that all!”
~“She was crying. I tried to comfort her, that's all!”
9-It was about her isn’t it?
~It was about her, wasn't it?
10-A slapped met her cheek as an angry lady lunged herself onto her and punched her on the floor.
~A slap met her cheek as an angry lady lunged herself onto her and punched her to the floor.
11-despite that her head was bruised by the punched but somehow she didn’t fell the pain at all
~despite that her head was bruised by the PUNCH but somehow she didn’t FEEL the pain at all
12-and all she can feel that time is numb.
~and all she can feel that time was numb. (You already stated by 'that time' to make it in past tense.)
13-”What are you doing? Kill her?!”
~What are you doing? Killing her?!” (It's a continuous action, not just once.) or “What are you doing? Trying to kill her?!”
14-She better off dead!
~She's better off dead!
15-The anger, jealousy and betrayal mixed in those orbs of her parent.
~The anger, jealousy and betrayal mixed in those orbs of her parents.
16-A sudden rushed of fear crept into her heart as she begun to shake uncontrollably.
~A sudden rush of fear crept into her heart as she began to shake uncontrollably. (It's RUSH OF FEAR. Not in past tense)
17-Everything turned cloudy at the moment and she slowly eaten by the guilt and pressure that came from within her own flesh and blood...
~Everything turned cloudy at the moment and she WAS slowly eaten by the guilt and pressure that came within* her own flesh and blood... (*You can use either within or from, but not both. If you realized, they are both preposition and you cannot use two prepositions at a time.)
18-Her eyes was failing her as she can only see the thin...
~Her eyes were failing her as she can only see the thin...
19-....the table with a loud ugly crack.
~....the table with a loud, ugly crack. (Do not forget your comma)
20-Kay felt to the floor...
~Kay fell to the floor...
21-And Mimi sure..
~And Mimi was sure...
22-And the last thing remember before running...
~And the last thing she remembered before running...
23-...house was her mother reached for an oil and lit up...
...house was her mother reaching for an oil and lit up... ('WAS' is placed there, so the sentence is fluently going as a continuous tense. Even by the action, you can see that it's 'reaching', and not 'reached')
You have a good vocabulary and I think your language is above normal fanfic writers. Your problems are the slight mistakes in commas, choppy sentences, wrong preposition, past and present tense and some miscellaneous errors. You made the story too dramatic by using a lot of figurative sentences. Using figurative sentences is not a problem, but using them regularly will make your story really cliché. Frankly, I was impressed by your language but sometimes, you tend to overuse words, making them unnecessary (like the figurative words). If you have time, revise your story after you are done with them and you will be able to spot the mistakes since they aren't hard to find.
Characterization : 7/10
It is nice to read new characters and not the singers/actors/uljjangs but you didn't elaborate on the characters' personalities. As I've said before, I didn't know what happened in the past. What did Mimi do? Why does her mother hate her so much? Are they not blood related? I don't know her father's personality, her mother's personality and even Mimi herself is vague and ambiguous.
Writing style : 8.5/10
I really can't say that it is 100% neat. I am a neat freak and I like everything clean. You have so many words combined in one sentences and you didn't use commas to separate them. You started few sentences with BUT and it is wrong since the first sentence before it can be joined together to form a good meaning. I think this will be a slight problem too. You need to know when to combine and when to separate sentences. DO NOT make a sentence too long without full stop because this can confuse people, unless you are really good in this.
Overall enjoyment : 2.5/5
I enjoyed reading cause I like your language and the diction used. However, I didn't really enjoy it since I don't (fully) know what was going on in the story.
Sub total : 66/90 (Minus the foreword)
Bonus : 2/5
For your language.
Total : 68/90 = 75.5%
I personally think you're a great writer. So I'll be expecting more stories from you.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
A Different Side Of Love by ShadowYin
Author : ShadowYin
Title : A Different Side Of Love
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SYdifferent/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
P/S: I am a strict reviewer.
Title : 4/5
First, relating it to your story, I do find it very matching and you succeeded in bringing out the meaning beyond the title. Still, if I were to think about the story, and then the title, there will be something else better to name after this fic. I like the title, it's enough and not too exaggerating.
First impression : 8/10
I like the poster, but I think it should be minimized a little. The width is enough, it's just the height. Other than that, the link color should be changed to something else to suit the poster and background, that goes for the sub-title too so that they won't be against each other.
Forewords : 8/10
Finally, a good foreword. I can't say that it's perfect but I am very happy to see such a good foreword. I've been reviewing some fanfics with plain forewords and I was getting irritated by it. However, despite the elaborated introduction, your foreword has some grammatical and tenses errors. I'll talk about this later.
Plot : 13/15
I find the story very well thought of but there are some parts which are located and fragmented at the wrong place. The plot should be going in order or flashbacks, but this one is different. It is like a diary, written with dates and stuff. It is not wrong to do like that, in fact it will be very good if you know how to structure it. However, you lose some teensy details of the plot and I found out that some main points aren't emphasized enough. Overall, it is great.
Creativity/ Originality : 14/15
I gave you full points for the originality because it is rare to find a love story which is not considering about the love of a girl and a boy. I admire your bravery to start a new genre of story, which is an inspirational, family story. You can be more creative since the storyline is already good and original. It gives you the opportunity to show the inputs you can throw into the story. Try expressing more on the situation, whether it is chaotic or what (especially the part where the little brother was abused by the father). You can describe the third party's pain by telling it on first POV (Donghae's view).
Flow : 8/10
I think maybe you planned for this story to be longer because from what I have seen, it has been brought fast forward. At first I thought that you're going to tell us more about the sister since she just came into the family, but then another family member was born. I'm not saying that you should describe more about the sister, but just give us something which makes the little sister very special. The ending is good, it isn't too rushed.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Concerning the grammar, I did find a lot of mistakes but that's okay since everyone is not perfect in this. Let me point out some of those mistakes.
1.Where the boy and girl meets, fall in love, gets married and lives happily ever after.
-Where the boy and girl meet, fall in love, get married, and live happily every after. (There are two individuals, a boy and a girl. So there shouldn't be 's')
2.I’m sorry to disappoint you, but this is my story, a story which meant a lot to me
-I'm sorry to disappoint you, but this is my story. A story that means a lot to me.
3.So if it’s someone you know and you care about how would you feel then?
-So if it’s someone you know and you care about, how would you feel then?
Proof-check before you post, if you don't like it, you can do it some other time and it'll be easier to spot your mistakes. (Believe me, I don't like proof-checking either).
Characterization : 10/10
Well done
Writing style : 8/10
Everyone has their own writing style and yours is good. Although there are some combined sentences and they make it look a little bit messy. Still, it is understandable.
Overall enjoyment : 4/5
Very enjoyable and heart-wrenching.
Sub total : 83/100
Bonus : 3/5
For making you own poster, also for telling this to the public in a form of story. For having the courage to write even if this hurts you. I salute you for that.
Total : 86/100
Well done. Stay strong ^___^
Title : A Different Side Of Love
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SYdifferent/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
P/S: I am a strict reviewer.
Title : 4/5
First, relating it to your story, I do find it very matching and you succeeded in bringing out the meaning beyond the title. Still, if I were to think about the story, and then the title, there will be something else better to name after this fic. I like the title, it's enough and not too exaggerating.
First impression : 8/10
I like the poster, but I think it should be minimized a little. The width is enough, it's just the height. Other than that, the link color should be changed to something else to suit the poster and background, that goes for the sub-title too so that they won't be against each other.
Forewords : 8/10
Finally, a good foreword. I can't say that it's perfect but I am very happy to see such a good foreword. I've been reviewing some fanfics with plain forewords and I was getting irritated by it. However, despite the elaborated introduction, your foreword has some grammatical and tenses errors. I'll talk about this later.
Plot : 13/15
I find the story very well thought of but there are some parts which are located and fragmented at the wrong place. The plot should be going in order or flashbacks, but this one is different. It is like a diary, written with dates and stuff. It is not wrong to do like that, in fact it will be very good if you know how to structure it. However, you lose some teensy details of the plot and I found out that some main points aren't emphasized enough. Overall, it is great.
Creativity/ Originality : 14/15
I gave you full points for the originality because it is rare to find a love story which is not considering about the love of a girl and a boy. I admire your bravery to start a new genre of story, which is an inspirational, family story. You can be more creative since the storyline is already good and original. It gives you the opportunity to show the inputs you can throw into the story. Try expressing more on the situation, whether it is chaotic or what (especially the part where the little brother was abused by the father). You can describe the third party's pain by telling it on first POV (Donghae's view).
Flow : 8/10
I think maybe you planned for this story to be longer because from what I have seen, it has been brought fast forward. At first I thought that you're going to tell us more about the sister since she just came into the family, but then another family member was born. I'm not saying that you should describe more about the sister, but just give us something which makes the little sister very special. The ending is good, it isn't too rushed.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Concerning the grammar, I did find a lot of mistakes but that's okay since everyone is not perfect in this. Let me point out some of those mistakes.
1.Where the boy and girl meets, fall in love, gets married and lives happily ever after.
-Where the boy and girl meet, fall in love, get married, and live happily every after. (There are two individuals, a boy and a girl. So there shouldn't be 's')
2.I’m sorry to disappoint you, but this is my story, a story which meant a lot to me
-I'm sorry to disappoint you, but this is my story. A story that means a lot to me.
3.So if it’s someone you know and you care about how would you feel then?
-So if it’s someone you know and you care about, how would you feel then?
Proof-check before you post, if you don't like it, you can do it some other time and it'll be easier to spot your mistakes. (Believe me, I don't like proof-checking either).
Characterization : 10/10
Well done
Writing style : 8/10
Everyone has their own writing style and yours is good. Although there are some combined sentences and they make it look a little bit messy. Still, it is understandable.
Overall enjoyment : 4/5
Very enjoyable and heart-wrenching.
Sub total : 83/100
Bonus : 3/5
For making you own poster, also for telling this to the public in a form of story. For having the courage to write even if this hurts you. I salute you for that.
Total : 86/100
Well done. Stay strong ^___^
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Hello Again by Minnie
Author : Minnie
Title : Hello Again
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MinnieO1/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 3/5
I don't see a strong connection between the title and the story. The title itself shows some melancholic mood, but it isn't quite alluring. Although I was tempted to check the story out, it later gave me such a heavy feeling whether to click the link or not. I'm not saying that the title isn't good; it is good, but it doesn't link much to what your story is telling. The only part that makes sense is when Junsu said goodbye to her at the end, which was a bit abrupt.
First impression : 4/10
Red font color against red background totally killed the mood. I had difficulty to read as I went on exploring the story; it was too hard to read. I like your effort in making the poster all by yourself, it shows that you have potential to this story and you know how to picture the characters' emotions into the poster. However, it's quite messy and the erasing of edges makes it more improper. Here's what you can do –practice blending and get the right font. I know that not all of us can do perfect blending and not all can photoshop, but that doesn't excuse you from making a good poster. If you can't do blending, you can place the picture side by side and decorate it with some other nice borders. Do not use red as the color font for the poster. You have black poster background and red font color, both of them are dark. Thus, the letters/wordings on the poster are drowned by the black background. You still get mark for this because of the effort, I like it.
Forewords : 5/10
It's short but I'm impressed enough –I'm glad that you didn't leave the forewords bare and unoccupied. The forewords tell me that the girl is wanting the boy back, but at that point, I don't understand why you have to name the title as 'Hello Again'. Seeing your poster, there is this quote saying, 'I regretted, I said goodbye but now, I'm going to say hello again.' and I thought that it is on the male's POV. Turns out that the girl was the one saying 'Hello again' (although Junsu was the one who regretted it). I was hoping that your foreword would explain more on this, but you didn't and that made me disappointed. It left me confused until I read the first chapter. Foreword is important, I don't know how many times I have said this but forewords are really important. Know how to lead a good introduction in your foreword and if you can, emphasize on the title more so that your readers would want to continue reading.
Plot : 9/15
The plot is confusing and it's like reading a diary and not a story. You described everything that they did; watching the movies, going to the restaurant and the corresponding acts. It's not plotted really well because I cannot feel what is the real thing that was going on between them. Imagine having to go out, chat, watch movies, eat at a restaurant, and then... saying goodbye? Isn't it a bit too... I don't know, but I feel that describing what they did wasn't appropriate. Like when you mentioned that Jaejoong has a restaurant and Junsu and KyungMi received special treatment just cause Jaejoong is their friend. You don't need to explain that, because you lose control over the characters' personality by doing so. You can do that, but make you you don't exceed the limit.
Creativity/ Originality : 10/15
I am sad because I was really putting my hope high on this story. I was imagining it as a story filled with rich imagination, twists, and great creativity, but it turns out to be only part of it. I didn't see much originality either, except for the part where they get to say hello again after Junsu left that girl. This story lacks of creativity maybe because of what I said earlier; you used a big portion to write about inappropriate things. Going to the mall, buying her clothes, such and such.
Flow : 7/10
At first it was okay, and suddenly Junsu left her. What made me surprised is when Junsu popped out again after leaving her. It made me feel as if Junsu was never gone all this time.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Please do avoid repeating the 'he' and 'she' by using linking words. It's not professional made and it's choppy. It would be much better if you know how to link those words and use their names instead of 'he' and 'she'. Your diction/vocabulary is average and you might want to consider using big words to emphasize the description you're trying to make. Some mistakes spotted are..
1.She looked up at him with eyes filled with tears that were already threatening to fall out
She looked up at him with eyes filled with tears that were threatening to fall. (the word 'out' is not needed here)
2.As known to everyone, Park KyungMi is the girl who doesn't know how to cry or get angry at someone.
Everyone knows that Park KyungMi is the girl who doesn't cry or get mad easily (sentence fragment)
3.She wiped his sweat away with her bear hands.
She wiped his sweat away with her bare hands. (Bear and bare have different meaning)
4."I have to go. I'm sorry KyungMi. I really am. This is goodbye." He said, standing up and running away from her.
"I have to go. I'm sorry KyungMi. I really am. This is goodbye." He said as he stood up, slowly running away from her. (You can't have two actions going at the same time. Here, you said he was standing up and running away. I know that you mean that he ran AFTER he stood up, but it sound like he was doing two actions at the same time.)
You might want to ask someone to revise or do beta reading for you. After all, no one is perfect in here. There's no such thing as getting a perfect 10 in here. There will be some minor mistakes.
Characterization : 7/10
What the characters were feeling wasn't described very well. Their personalities didn't shine either.
Writing style : 8/10
Good and neat but please don't use repeated words (He and she)
Overall enjoyment : 2/5
Sub total : 61/100
Bonus : 2/5
For making your own poster
Total : 63/100
Don't give up, keep trying. You can do it because you have the potential. I know you can be a very good writer!
Title : Hello Again
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MinnieO1/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 3/5
I don't see a strong connection between the title and the story. The title itself shows some melancholic mood, but it isn't quite alluring. Although I was tempted to check the story out, it later gave me such a heavy feeling whether to click the link or not. I'm not saying that the title isn't good; it is good, but it doesn't link much to what your story is telling. The only part that makes sense is when Junsu said goodbye to her at the end, which was a bit abrupt.
First impression : 4/10
Red font color against red background totally killed the mood. I had difficulty to read as I went on exploring the story; it was too hard to read. I like your effort in making the poster all by yourself, it shows that you have potential to this story and you know how to picture the characters' emotions into the poster. However, it's quite messy and the erasing of edges makes it more improper. Here's what you can do –practice blending and get the right font. I know that not all of us can do perfect blending and not all can photoshop, but that doesn't excuse you from making a good poster. If you can't do blending, you can place the picture side by side and decorate it with some other nice borders. Do not use red as the color font for the poster. You have black poster background and red font color, both of them are dark. Thus, the letters/wordings on the poster are drowned by the black background. You still get mark for this because of the effort, I like it.
Forewords : 5/10
It's short but I'm impressed enough –I'm glad that you didn't leave the forewords bare and unoccupied. The forewords tell me that the girl is wanting the boy back, but at that point, I don't understand why you have to name the title as 'Hello Again'. Seeing your poster, there is this quote saying, 'I regretted, I said goodbye but now, I'm going to say hello again.' and I thought that it is on the male's POV. Turns out that the girl was the one saying 'Hello again' (although Junsu was the one who regretted it). I was hoping that your foreword would explain more on this, but you didn't and that made me disappointed. It left me confused until I read the first chapter. Foreword is important, I don't know how many times I have said this but forewords are really important. Know how to lead a good introduction in your foreword and if you can, emphasize on the title more so that your readers would want to continue reading.
Plot : 9/15
The plot is confusing and it's like reading a diary and not a story. You described everything that they did; watching the movies, going to the restaurant and the corresponding acts. It's not plotted really well because I cannot feel what is the real thing that was going on between them. Imagine having to go out, chat, watch movies, eat at a restaurant, and then... saying goodbye? Isn't it a bit too... I don't know, but I feel that describing what they did wasn't appropriate. Like when you mentioned that Jaejoong has a restaurant and Junsu and KyungMi received special treatment just cause Jaejoong is their friend. You don't need to explain that, because you lose control over the characters' personality by doing so. You can do that, but make you you don't exceed the limit.
Creativity/ Originality : 10/15
I am sad because I was really putting my hope high on this story. I was imagining it as a story filled with rich imagination, twists, and great creativity, but it turns out to be only part of it. I didn't see much originality either, except for the part where they get to say hello again after Junsu left that girl. This story lacks of creativity maybe because of what I said earlier; you used a big portion to write about inappropriate things. Going to the mall, buying her clothes, such and such.
Flow : 7/10
At first it was okay, and suddenly Junsu left her. What made me surprised is when Junsu popped out again after leaving her. It made me feel as if Junsu was never gone all this time.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Please do avoid repeating the 'he' and 'she' by using linking words. It's not professional made and it's choppy. It would be much better if you know how to link those words and use their names instead of 'he' and 'she'. Your diction/vocabulary is average and you might want to consider using big words to emphasize the description you're trying to make. Some mistakes spotted are..
1.She looked up at him with eyes filled with tears that were already threatening to fall out
She looked up at him with eyes filled with tears that were threatening to fall. (the word 'out' is not needed here)
2.As known to everyone, Park KyungMi is the girl who doesn't know how to cry or get angry at someone.
Everyone knows that Park KyungMi is the girl who doesn't cry or get mad easily (sentence fragment)
3.She wiped his sweat away with her bear hands.
She wiped his sweat away with her bare hands. (Bear and bare have different meaning)
4."I have to go. I'm sorry KyungMi. I really am. This is goodbye." He said, standing up and running away from her.
"I have to go. I'm sorry KyungMi. I really am. This is goodbye." He said as he stood up, slowly running away from her. (You can't have two actions going at the same time. Here, you said he was standing up and running away. I know that you mean that he ran AFTER he stood up, but it sound like he was doing two actions at the same time.)
You might want to ask someone to revise or do beta reading for you. After all, no one is perfect in here. There's no such thing as getting a perfect 10 in here. There will be some minor mistakes.
Characterization : 7/10
What the characters were feeling wasn't described very well. Their personalities didn't shine either.
Writing style : 8/10
Good and neat but please don't use repeated words (He and she)
Overall enjoyment : 2/5
Sub total : 61/100
Bonus : 2/5
For making your own poster
Total : 63/100
Don't give up, keep trying. You can do it because you have the potential. I know you can be a very good writer!
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