Title: A Fangirl's Letter
Author: geesoo
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/02GEE
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Buju / i-DEAS
Title: 5/5
It fit perfectly with the story.
First Impression: 10/10
Wow! I just LOVED the blending of the poster! Latienza's a great designer lol. And the chosen text colors all matched greatly. Very pretty!
Forewords: 10/10
I'm so glad you didn't put "the lists" where you give the name of each character and told their age, jobs, relationships, etc. Those really bother me and there's no point to it because you don't see real authors writing them, do you? Sorry for ranting, but anyways it was a great introduction and didn't give away any important details.
Plot: 11/15
There wasn't much of a plot because the whole story mainly consists of a letter, but it has the kind of ending I liked, blunt and mysterious-ish.
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
The story idea doesn't ring out as original to me, but the descriptions in the letter was actually pretty creative because I think most fan letters would say "Oh, I'm a great big fan of yours and wanna become friends, maybe we can meet some day, blah blah blah" but yours doesn't do that.
Flow: 7/10
I think Wooyoung's reaction was unexpected and changed too fast for someone who was reading a letter from someone they don't know at all.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9.5/10
Everything was perfect, except for this one sentence: "Someone radiating just plain awesome", it sounds sort of funky to me. Maybe "Someone radiating plain awesomeness" would sound better.
Characterisation: 6.5/10
From what I read, I didn't really "get to know" the fangirl because there weren't enough details (such as her thoughts or actions) to show her personality. I would've guessed that she's either really sensitive and observant or she is just obsessed. But I can understand some of Wooyoung's traits through the details you provided.
Writing Style: 7/10
Your writing style makes it easy to read the story, but repetitiveness shouldn't be overused. I found myself skipping the beginning of each sentence to read the ends instead because of this.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I really liked the good choice of words and Wooyoung's reaction although it was unexpected.
Sub Total: 82/100
Bonus: 3/5
1. For not making a boring fan letter.
2. For using the kind of ending I like.
3. For inspiring me to write another fanfic! (But who knows, I'll probably end up not writing it cuz I'm too lazy... ToT)
Total: 85/100
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Fabric Magic by th1rd3ye
Author: thIrd3ye
Total: 83/100
Title: Fabric Magic
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_onew_FM/
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Pararae @ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 5/5
You get 5 marks because the title is interesting. I like your title at the first look at it, it tells clearly what the story is about and it manages to capture my attention. It also fit the story well. Even though it’s simple but the title is quite meaningful, which is good because fancy title sometimes could ruin the excitement. I didn’t spot any capitalization or spelling mistake and I like how the title could lend a good mood to the story. It’s not too angst and not too happy, just perfect for a love story.
First Impression: 8/10
I give you 8 because I love the poster and it looks awesome! It totally makes me want to read your story more. However, you lose 2 marks because I can see the colorization of the angel is too striking. It stands awkward among the other pictures and design so try to fix the opacity of the picture. The pictures are in low quality. Try to increase the colour contrast to cover up the flaw.
Forewords: 8/10
I give you 8 marks because it has all the details, in an organize order and the sneak preview could increase the curiosity of the readers. I like the way you list down all the sneak previews together, some of it make sense while the others give a new light to the previous preview. So, it definitely makes me wonder what going to happen next and pull my attention together. But you lost 2 marks because I’ve found a mistake in your forewords...Take a look at this sentence: I do not own any of the characters. This story is pure fiction. This is an original piece of work. Copyrighted. Do not chop your sentences. The disclaimer could join up into two sentences, for example: I do not own any of the characters and the story is pure fiction. This is an original piece of work, copyrighted preserved. The forewords are too lengthy. A good amount of detail in a foreword is good, but don’t make it too long because it will be boring and dragging. So try to not double space the genre, disclaimer, title, length etc... Because it can be a clear detail too without double spacing.
Plot: 10/15
I give you 10 because...I like the plot. The way the story start with the main character’s boring life and spirit friend are very interesting. The concept about a purple magic fabric is quite new to me and I like how you twist the drama and so on. However, watch your ending because it’s a bit rushing. The time when the girl shouted for her friend to appear is kind of off. It’s too dramatic and sudden.
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
I can see its original. The way you picture a radio DJ who always give advice to others but won’t practise the principle herself is good because it shows how she could be hypocrite about her life. The drama between her friend, Onew and herself is good too. And the purple fabric brings the whole new light to the plot. I like it and it’s quite original. I can see the creativity in this kind of story, no doubt about it, but you could be more creative about the ending. The ending seem too cliché and predictable so try to twist it up a little to make it more creative.
Flow: 7/10
The flow is good; from the beginning to the climax is fine but the ending is a bit off. The flow between Onew’s explanations about how he gets there and the girl asking for her friend to show up is quite fast. I know you want to mix those emotions up together but try extend the length a little and try to twist it up to make it more interesting. Remember, never rush the ending because the ending shows how the story going to judge as. A better ending call for a better plot.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
I’ve found a few mistakes here and there but all of it has been spotted by the reviewer before me. Lolz talk about speed. So I don’t think I should point it out again, but try to revise your chapter again. Try to do it manually and if you think it costs too much time, use spell check. Make sure you revise it after you write and before you post just to make it safe. Other than that, is fine.
Characterization: 9/10
The characterization is good. Since you use only 3 characters worth of explaining, I don’t think it’s hard for you to describe them. I personally think all of the characterizations are acceptable but try to write more about Onew other than his guts to speak his mind in public. He holds an important role too so try to describe him more. I wonder if he has any interesting habit.
Writing Style: 8/10
The writing style is great, I like it but it could use more variety of vocabulary. I can see a few big words throughout the chapters but try to use more because, well simply, the more the merrier. I can say that despite a few mistakes, your writing style is quite neat and easy to understand so keep it up. I like the way you go around the bush in the first chapter about her friend. I was wondering whether he was a human or not because you didn’t describe any human-like activity for her friend. It’s a technique to make the readers curious about your story.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
Sub Total: 79/100
Bonus: 4/5
I give you 4 marks because...
1. I love your title
2. The plot and writing style are great
3. You manage to keep your originality and creativity throughout the story
4. For making you wait for so long. Sorry again ><
Monday, January 11, 2010
Perfume Hearts by hey its me.
Author: hey its me
Title: P e r f u m e H e a r t s (A M Challenge)
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/glommyxxbears
Status: One-shot
Reviewer: .flavored
Title: 4/5
It’s not the most eye-catching title, but it had relevance to the story since the girl worked in a perfume shop. XD Somehow reminded me of all those shoujo manga titles... Anyway, was this title the contest requirement?
First Impression: 9/10
I’m biased. I love Anna’s works. I took off one mark though, because you DIDN’T CHANGE THE FONT COLOURS. Which is a big no-no for me. Is it that hard/time-consuming/difficult to change the font colours?!
Forewords: 9/10
I liked the forewords. Period. It was close to a model forewords in my mind, except for a small grammatical mistake I spotted. Although it IS a bit cliché... but that’s another section of this review XD
Plot: 10/15
It’s a little strange, the beginning. No one actually has so much skinship upon the first meeting. And it’s not like the girl had a sprained/broken leg or anything. So it was a little far-fetched.
Another thing I didn’t like was that it was a little too dramatic. And because of that the story felt reaaaaaally fake. Moreover, it was kind of short, so it worsened the “fake” feeling. It’s nice that you tried to deepen the feelings of this story using more description... but that kind of failed because there was a lot of wrong word usage.
Creativity/Originality: 11/15
One can never be truly original in romance since it is a genre that is overused, especially in winglin. I’ve said that in another review. But as long as the story is fine and sound or even better, exceptional, no on really will care (take the movie Avatar for example). And frankly, you don’t need them in the plot that much (just a bit of freshness of an idea would do).
As for this, it wasn’t that bad. Although it wasn’t the best I’ve read, the effort was heartening.
Flow: 8/10
A bit strange, because it’s a bit fast for this kind of plot, but I’ll let it go because it’s a short story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
Spelling seems fine. Grammar as well. But there was a lot of strange description and wrong word usage; so much so it kind of spoilt the story, despite your attempt to make the story more descriptive. E.g: “the tears dangling on my face”. How do tears dangle? O.o Perhaps “travelling down” would be better? In fact, it’d be better to omit the verb entirely.
Characterisation: 6/10
You sort of used tried and tested character templates. But because of the fast pace of plot and the rather cliché ideas, they became over-exaggerated.
Writing Style: 7/10
I always like writing style. =D Although good script form is good as well. I’m also glad you didn’t put in brackets to show scenes or anything. =D I like your effort in putting in much description, and it worked for most part.
I can, however, tell that this wasn’t really very proof-read. There are quite a bit of mistakes, as well as rather rampant wrong word usage. And this kind of spoilt the atmosphere...
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Nice quick read, but there’s still room for improvement.
Sub Total: 63/100
Bonus: 4/5
Sorry this took so long... XD It was quite a nice read, but there’s still room for improvement!
Total: 68/100
Don’t be discouraged. I think the average marks I give are really low =P. So if you get a 65 and above, it’s quite good =D
Title: P e r f u m e H e a r t s (A M Challenge)
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/glommyxxbears
Status: One-shot
Reviewer: .flavored
Title: 4/5
It’s not the most eye-catching title, but it had relevance to the story since the girl worked in a perfume shop. XD Somehow reminded me of all those shoujo manga titles... Anyway, was this title the contest requirement?
First Impression: 9/10
I’m biased. I love Anna’s works. I took off one mark though, because you DIDN’T CHANGE THE FONT COLOURS. Which is a big no-no for me. Is it that hard/time-consuming/difficult to change the font colours?!
Forewords: 9/10
I liked the forewords. Period. It was close to a model forewords in my mind, except for a small grammatical mistake I spotted. Although it IS a bit cliché... but that’s another section of this review XD
Plot: 10/15
It’s a little strange, the beginning. No one actually has so much skinship upon the first meeting. And it’s not like the girl had a sprained/broken leg or anything. So it was a little far-fetched.
Another thing I didn’t like was that it was a little too dramatic. And because of that the story felt reaaaaaally fake. Moreover, it was kind of short, so it worsened the “fake” feeling. It’s nice that you tried to deepen the feelings of this story using more description... but that kind of failed because there was a lot of wrong word usage.
Creativity/Originality: 11/15
One can never be truly original in romance since it is a genre that is overused, especially in winglin. I’ve said that in another review. But as long as the story is fine and sound or even better, exceptional, no on really will care (take the movie Avatar for example). And frankly, you don’t need them in the plot that much (just a bit of freshness of an idea would do).
As for this, it wasn’t that bad. Although it wasn’t the best I’ve read, the effort was heartening.
Flow: 8/10
A bit strange, because it’s a bit fast for this kind of plot, but I’ll let it go because it’s a short story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
Spelling seems fine. Grammar as well. But there was a lot of strange description and wrong word usage; so much so it kind of spoilt the story, despite your attempt to make the story more descriptive. E.g: “the tears dangling on my face”. How do tears dangle? O.o Perhaps “travelling down” would be better? In fact, it’d be better to omit the verb entirely.
Characterisation: 6/10
You sort of used tried and tested character templates. But because of the fast pace of plot and the rather cliché ideas, they became over-exaggerated.
Writing Style: 7/10
I always like writing style. =D Although good script form is good as well. I’m also glad you didn’t put in brackets to show scenes or anything. =D I like your effort in putting in much description, and it worked for most part.
I can, however, tell that this wasn’t really very proof-read. There are quite a bit of mistakes, as well as rather rampant wrong word usage. And this kind of spoilt the atmosphere...
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Nice quick read, but there’s still room for improvement.
Sub Total: 63/100
Bonus: 4/5
Sorry this took so long... XD It was quite a nice read, but there’s still room for improvement!
Total: 68/100
Don’t be discouraged. I think the average marks I give are really low =P. So if you get a 65 and above, it’s quite good =D
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Helpless Night by Baboracoon
Title: Helpless Night
Author: baboracoon
Reviewer: Pararae@ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 4/5 I like your title, it fit well with the story line and for a twist-angst story lover like me, I do find the title interesting. But it could easily miss out though, so try to use a bigger phrase, as in vocabulary.
First Impression: 7/10 at first, I got the feeling that the story would be a good one from the poster and background. The graphic suit well with the plot and it give out a good mood to the story. It’s refreshing to see little cast in the poster instead of a crowded one (Winglin’s trend nowadays) because it offer more meaning that to see the packed one. However, I can see that the picture in the poster is not from high quality. So try to find a better quality picture next time.
Forewords: 7/10 the forewords are good with genre, cast, author notes and summary, but do not caps it. Because when you cap it, it looks somehow repelling and disturbing. So try not to caps. The forewords are too messy. The way you stacked the lyrics together, it makes the forewords look unorganized and hard to read. I also spotted a few mistakes in your forewords: Not Kangin but the other him.. The new guy brought you to that old time..
(Ellipsis (...) can only exist in a set of 3.)
Plot: 13/15 I like the plot. It’s great to see a good twist and pull in a story instead of a flat one. I like the ending too where Chansung try to kill Yoochun and you, that time really hit the spot. But your plot is kind of confusing sometimes so try to plot the timeline of each scene first before you write it down because sometimes I feel like someone else is doing the thing to someone, but at the end it goes off. So watch out for time plotting because twist story need to consider this heavily.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15 I can see the creativity everywhere. I’ve never seen a story like this before and its surprise me when I read the ending. However there are always a few that seem common to your plot such a girl fall in love with someone resemble her past lover. This kind of concept is overused nowadays and it got different version always, so what I can say is that try to add a little quality in it to make it different. Also, the ending is predictable too, the good guy never die. That’s a common James Bond concept and a few other movies and stories too. Maybe you want to make a happy ending but happy ending doesn’t always mean the good guy have to survive or if they not, they will become angel etc etc. This trait is common too so try to make your own version of happy ending. Always think out of the box because ending is supposed to be the best part of the story.
Flow: 8/10 the flow is good, not too fast and not too slow which is perfect. I can see a few important scenes are well elaborated; you just need to watch out for the scene timing so the scene won’t be too jumpy or hanging.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10 I’ve seen a few mistakes here and there. Sometimes you got the preposition and proverbs wrong so you should try to be careful with it. Try to refer to the dictionary or thesaurus so you can get the meaning more correctly and how to use it in sentences. I also find a spelling mistake; your eyes opened slowly buy sure and you gave him a timid smile.
What do you mean buy? Do you mean by? I don’t get this sentence so try to revise the chapters before posting it. Use spell check if you need to but I really prefer you do it manually because the mistake is not hard to see.
Characterization: 6/10 Your characterization so far is good and I can understand a few characters in the story, but I like to know Chansung’s sister more. She is like the incomplete on in the story and I think her role is quite important too because she is one of the reason why Chansung want to take revenge on Yoochun when he thought his sister kill herself. So try to elaborate more about her or try to add up a few scenes where you can picture her habit or how she is like more clearly.
Writing Style: 5/10 I’m not too fond of your writing style; it’s messy and stacked up. Try to double spacing the paragraph and watch out for dialogue. Sometimes you like to put the dialogue spoken by the same person separately by spacing. This kind of style could cause confusion so try to space the paragraph but not the dialogue that spoken by the same person.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Sub Total: 70/100
Bonus: 3/5
Total: 73/100
Author: baboracoon
Reviewer: Pararae@ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 4/5 I like your title, it fit well with the story line and for a twist-angst story lover like me, I do find the title interesting. But it could easily miss out though, so try to use a bigger phrase, as in vocabulary.
First Impression: 7/10 at first, I got the feeling that the story would be a good one from the poster and background. The graphic suit well with the plot and it give out a good mood to the story. It’s refreshing to see little cast in the poster instead of a crowded one (Winglin’s trend nowadays) because it offer more meaning that to see the packed one. However, I can see that the picture in the poster is not from high quality. So try to find a better quality picture next time.
Forewords: 7/10 the forewords are good with genre, cast, author notes and summary, but do not caps it. Because when you cap it, it looks somehow repelling and disturbing. So try not to caps. The forewords are too messy. The way you stacked the lyrics together, it makes the forewords look unorganized and hard to read. I also spotted a few mistakes in your forewords: Not Kangin but the other him.. The new guy brought you to that old time..
(Ellipsis (...) can only exist in a set of 3.)
Plot: 13/15 I like the plot. It’s great to see a good twist and pull in a story instead of a flat one. I like the ending too where Chansung try to kill Yoochun and you, that time really hit the spot. But your plot is kind of confusing sometimes so try to plot the timeline of each scene first before you write it down because sometimes I feel like someone else is doing the thing to someone, but at the end it goes off. So watch out for time plotting because twist story need to consider this heavily.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15 I can see the creativity everywhere. I’ve never seen a story like this before and its surprise me when I read the ending. However there are always a few that seem common to your plot such a girl fall in love with someone resemble her past lover. This kind of concept is overused nowadays and it got different version always, so what I can say is that try to add a little quality in it to make it different. Also, the ending is predictable too, the good guy never die. That’s a common James Bond concept and a few other movies and stories too. Maybe you want to make a happy ending but happy ending doesn’t always mean the good guy have to survive or if they not, they will become angel etc etc. This trait is common too so try to make your own version of happy ending. Always think out of the box because ending is supposed to be the best part of the story.
Flow: 8/10 the flow is good, not too fast and not too slow which is perfect. I can see a few important scenes are well elaborated; you just need to watch out for the scene timing so the scene won’t be too jumpy or hanging.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10 I’ve seen a few mistakes here and there. Sometimes you got the preposition and proverbs wrong so you should try to be careful with it. Try to refer to the dictionary or thesaurus so you can get the meaning more correctly and how to use it in sentences. I also find a spelling mistake; your eyes opened slowly buy sure and you gave him a timid smile.
What do you mean buy? Do you mean by? I don’t get this sentence so try to revise the chapters before posting it. Use spell check if you need to but I really prefer you do it manually because the mistake is not hard to see.
Characterization: 6/10 Your characterization so far is good and I can understand a few characters in the story, but I like to know Chansung’s sister more. She is like the incomplete on in the story and I think her role is quite important too because she is one of the reason why Chansung want to take revenge on Yoochun when he thought his sister kill herself. So try to elaborate more about her or try to add up a few scenes where you can picture her habit or how she is like more clearly.
Writing Style: 5/10 I’m not too fond of your writing style; it’s messy and stacked up. Try to double spacing the paragraph and watch out for dialogue. Sometimes you like to put the dialogue spoken by the same person separately by spacing. This kind of style could cause confusion so try to space the paragraph but not the dialogue that spoken by the same person.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Sub Total: 70/100
Bonus: 3/5
Total: 73/100
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Timeless Duet - JaE_LoVe
Title: Timeless Duet
Author: JaE_LoVe
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/JaE_LoVe4/
Status: On-Going
Reviewer: Latienza @ i-DEAS
Title: 4/5
I liked your title very much because it really wasn’t common; therefore it gave me something else to ponder about. The thing I was YET to see was the ‘full’ connection of the story itself with the title. But since your story is still on-going, I’ll let it pass for now. Great job.
First Impression: 9/10
I had a really good first expression with this because it was well organized and the poster and background were great. The mood was there and it just matched the whole story theme. The text was easy to read and it didn’t blind me, so I had a great first impression.
Forewords: 8/10
I liked your forewords because you had your own type of thinking in there. But the thing I don’t really like seeing in the forewords are the character introductions. Personally, I don’t mind if you continue doing that, but usually when you don’t introduce, the readers receive more suspense. Stating the names of the characters are fine, but don’t give away too much of them just so the readers have a lot to look forward to. Besides this, it was fine.
Plot: 12/15
I found the plot interesting, but it was kind of all over the place; unorganized. At some points in the story, I would get lost and such, but it wasn’t such a big deal. Be sure that as you write, describe the surroundings more so the readers could get more of an imagination on the settings/where the event is taking place in. I found that your story was pure dialogue and the parts where you would describe certain scenes were tremendous, but I ask that you do that more often so the mood settles with the reader.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
HMM, there were a lot of things I already read in other stories, but you managed to pull it off. I’m not really a fan of Xiah Junsu, (but I was kind of confused because in your forewords it said ‘KIM JUNSU’ so I didn’t know who it was. I think you meant XIAH Junsu because of your poster... but yeah) but you kept me reading not because I have to, but because I wanted to.
Flow: 7/10
The flow was a bit too fast. I don’t know. I think it could’ve been placed in a more steady pace, but nonetheless, you did a great job.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
I’m really sorry for giving you a low mark, but this portion is just where I go crazy at. LOL. Let’s just say, this is my specialty? Fail, anyways... here are some things:
To others, your spelling, grammar, and vocabulary wouldn’t really be a big deal, but as I carefully looked into it, you had a lot of errors. There were countless mistakes you made but here are a few examples:
[She blushed as she softly her neck and lifted her hands to feed him. She happily watched him eat her cooked meal happily as she wiped sauce from the side of his lips with an affectionate expression.”]
You were missing words and it was kind of hard to determine what they were. Instead of this, your sentence should be edited as:
[She blushed as she softly tilted her neck, lifting her hands to feed him. She happily watched him eat the meal she had cooked as she wiped the sauce from the side of his lips with an affectionate expression.] Personally, I would suggest shortening this sentence or dividing the sentence because it had a bit too much events in only one sentence. Also, try not repeating the same words again in one sentence. If you really want to expand on your vocabulary, go to thesaurus.com or just read other fanfics and learn from their way of writing. That is, of course, if their language is good.
[As he finished the last bite and drank some water that she had offered him.]
Looking at this sentence, I could immediately tell the problem. This sentence is not structured properly. You had a few of these in your fanfic. This sentence is incomplete. This did not have a subject whatsoever. Usually, when you use ‘as’, it’s expanding a topic sentence, not starting a topic sentence. And this applies to you. Try to prevent this. I’ll give you an example for a proper sentence. [As he finished the last bite, he drank some water she had offered him]
[Realizing he was done, she slowly turned her neck and smiled at him, a smile which at that moment captured his heart.]
For this, your punctuation wasn’t used well. Personally, it doesn’t really matter, but in order to help you excel, I guess I’ll just point it out. I’m not really sure how to explain this, but this sentence would’ve been more of a use if it was sentenced as: [Realizing he was done, she slowly turned her neck and smiled at him; a smile which captured his heart at the moment.] I used the ‘;’ punctuation and flipped a bit of the sentence. I hope you can learn about the use of this on your free time, as it would benefit you.
[…making her forgot every bad feeling she got today and replace it with a happiness as she kissed the one man she truly loved.]
For this type of sentence, you didn’t have just one problem. Your spelling, grammar, and vocabulary play a big part in this. For grammar, this sentence was totally off. Your tenses were all over the place and it was just hard to comprehend. The English wasn’t working properly here. Let’s continue. For the spelling, it was affected because your grammar was off. It’s not a ‘wrong spelling’ but rather ‘wrong for the sentence’. Do you get what I mean? In the sentence, you used ‘forgot’ when it should be ‘forget’. So it works out. Moving on, your vocabulary was kind of twisted here. Here’s your edited sentence: [...making her forget every bad feeling she had gotten today, replacing it with happiness as she kissed the man she truly loved]
You had countless mistakes throughout all of your chapters. There were other mistakes, but these highlighted errors basically summarized everything you needed work with.
Characterisation: 7.5/10
I didn’t really make a big deal on the pairings or anything, but the fact that the characters were all over the place kind of distracted me from the story. Like for example when Junsu would have mood-swings, it would throw me off of the story balance. But nonetheless, everything was fine. Just make sure to portray the personalities of the characters in a more lengthened manner.
Writing Style: 8/10
You had your own style in writing; therefore, it didn’t really bother me.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Personally, I found your story really interesting. As you may have noticed, I gave it a 5. I love the lengthened chapters and everything else, though you still need some things to improve on. Good job & HWAITING!
Sub Total: 75.5/100
Bonus: 3/5
Sorry for taking me 8375923861 years to complete this request. Hope this will help you, and NOT discourage you. I’m strict, && I guess I’m really a snob, but I really hope this will help you out.
Total: 78.5/100
Thanks for requesting @ i-DEAS. If I have accidentally made any mistakes with the mark scorings, please contact me @ thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com before you make any changes. Thank you.
Author: JaE_LoVe
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/JaE_LoVe4/
Status: On-Going
Reviewer: Latienza @ i-DEAS
Title: 4/5
I liked your title very much because it really wasn’t common; therefore it gave me something else to ponder about. The thing I was YET to see was the ‘full’ connection of the story itself with the title. But since your story is still on-going, I’ll let it pass for now. Great job.
First Impression: 9/10
I had a really good first expression with this because it was well organized and the poster and background were great. The mood was there and it just matched the whole story theme. The text was easy to read and it didn’t blind me, so I had a great first impression.
Forewords: 8/10
I liked your forewords because you had your own type of thinking in there. But the thing I don’t really like seeing in the forewords are the character introductions. Personally, I don’t mind if you continue doing that, but usually when you don’t introduce, the readers receive more suspense. Stating the names of the characters are fine, but don’t give away too much of them just so the readers have a lot to look forward to. Besides this, it was fine.
Plot: 12/15
I found the plot interesting, but it was kind of all over the place; unorganized. At some points in the story, I would get lost and such, but it wasn’t such a big deal. Be sure that as you write, describe the surroundings more so the readers could get more of an imagination on the settings/where the event is taking place in. I found that your story was pure dialogue and the parts where you would describe certain scenes were tremendous, but I ask that you do that more often so the mood settles with the reader.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
HMM, there were a lot of things I already read in other stories, but you managed to pull it off. I’m not really a fan of Xiah Junsu, (but I was kind of confused because in your forewords it said ‘KIM JUNSU’ so I didn’t know who it was. I think you meant XIAH Junsu because of your poster... but yeah) but you kept me reading not because I have to, but because I wanted to.
Flow: 7/10
The flow was a bit too fast. I don’t know. I think it could’ve been placed in a more steady pace, but nonetheless, you did a great job.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
I’m really sorry for giving you a low mark, but this portion is just where I go crazy at. LOL. Let’s just say, this is my specialty? Fail, anyways... here are some things:
To others, your spelling, grammar, and vocabulary wouldn’t really be a big deal, but as I carefully looked into it, you had a lot of errors. There were countless mistakes you made but here are a few examples:
[She blushed as she softly her neck and lifted her hands to feed him. She happily watched him eat her cooked meal happily as she wiped sauce from the side of his lips with an affectionate expression.”]
You were missing words and it was kind of hard to determine what they were. Instead of this, your sentence should be edited as:
[She blushed as she softly tilted her neck, lifting her hands to feed him. She happily watched him eat the meal she had cooked as she wiped the sauce from the side of his lips with an affectionate expression.] Personally, I would suggest shortening this sentence or dividing the sentence because it had a bit too much events in only one sentence. Also, try not repeating the same words again in one sentence. If you really want to expand on your vocabulary, go to thesaurus.com or just read other fanfics and learn from their way of writing. That is, of course, if their language is good.
[As he finished the last bite and drank some water that she had offered him.]
Looking at this sentence, I could immediately tell the problem. This sentence is not structured properly. You had a few of these in your fanfic. This sentence is incomplete. This did not have a subject whatsoever. Usually, when you use ‘as’, it’s expanding a topic sentence, not starting a topic sentence. And this applies to you. Try to prevent this. I’ll give you an example for a proper sentence. [As he finished the last bite, he drank some water she had offered him]
[Realizing he was done, she slowly turned her neck and smiled at him, a smile which at that moment captured his heart.]
For this, your punctuation wasn’t used well. Personally, it doesn’t really matter, but in order to help you excel, I guess I’ll just point it out. I’m not really sure how to explain this, but this sentence would’ve been more of a use if it was sentenced as: [Realizing he was done, she slowly turned her neck and smiled at him; a smile which captured his heart at the moment.] I used the ‘;’ punctuation and flipped a bit of the sentence. I hope you can learn about the use of this on your free time, as it would benefit you.
[…making her forgot every bad feeling she got today and replace it with a happiness as she kissed the one man she truly loved.]
For this type of sentence, you didn’t have just one problem. Your spelling, grammar, and vocabulary play a big part in this. For grammar, this sentence was totally off. Your tenses were all over the place and it was just hard to comprehend. The English wasn’t working properly here. Let’s continue. For the spelling, it was affected because your grammar was off. It’s not a ‘wrong spelling’ but rather ‘wrong for the sentence’. Do you get what I mean? In the sentence, you used ‘forgot’ when it should be ‘forget’. So it works out. Moving on, your vocabulary was kind of twisted here. Here’s your edited sentence: [...making her forget every bad feeling she had gotten today, replacing it with happiness as she kissed the man she truly loved]
You had countless mistakes throughout all of your chapters. There were other mistakes, but these highlighted errors basically summarized everything you needed work with.
Characterisation: 7.5/10
I didn’t really make a big deal on the pairings or anything, but the fact that the characters were all over the place kind of distracted me from the story. Like for example when Junsu would have mood-swings, it would throw me off of the story balance. But nonetheless, everything was fine. Just make sure to portray the personalities of the characters in a more lengthened manner.
Writing Style: 8/10
You had your own style in writing; therefore, it didn’t really bother me.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Personally, I found your story really interesting. As you may have noticed, I gave it a 5. I love the lengthened chapters and everything else, though you still need some things to improve on. Good job & HWAITING!
Sub Total: 75.5/100
Bonus: 3/5
Sorry for taking me 8375923861 years to complete this request. Hope this will help you, and NOT discourage you. I’m strict, && I guess I’m really a snob, but I really hope this will help you out.
Total: 78.5/100
Thanks for requesting @ i-DEAS. If I have accidentally made any mistakes with the mark scorings, please contact me @ thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com before you make any changes. Thank you.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Because I know -Yunni
Author: Yunni/ ‘Niii
Title: Because I know
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/_know/
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Anna @ i-DEAS thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com
Warning: The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.
Title: 4/5
You did well for making the title match up your story. However, using that as a title isn’t really going to attract people. I have to admit that it is mysterious in some ways but it doesn’t concern people to click on it and read, unless of course, they are your loyal readers and never missed any of your previous stories.
First impression: 8.5/10
I like the poster and I really don’t like to criticize other designers’ artworks especially when you requested from someone and it is not made by yourself. I am here to review your story and not to judge the artwork made by other people. Still, this applies to the review rubrics and I can’t just ignore it. What I want to point out here is that the poster isn’t quite melancholic as described in the story. The mood just isn’t there even though the pictures match. Overall, the poster is well done and it’s a good work. Your font color is readable too.
Forewords: 7.5/10
The picky foreword dealer is here, isn’t she? I know that simplicity is the best, but accuracy of the foreword is an essential. You started off good, telling that Taemin knew the girl was there but you missed something important –The feeling. I can’t feel what he was feeling because it wasn’t fully there. You made it short, which ended up stopping the readers’ interest there. It felt like Taemin was just calling her name and in another moment, it stopped. You get what I mean? Try to be constant and versatile in writing the foreword. You can’t always give the readers what they want but you can always try. I like yours but I always knew that you can do better and I will keep saying that. Remember, not all authors can write a very good foreword, even myself. Don’t let that be a reason, let it be a challenge.
Plot: 12/15
The way you did your storyline is good but the plot was short. Some parts were too irrelevant and confusing; making the story crashes its plot and characters. Try to be in the story, not telling the story. By this, you can actually write a good plot and make it longer and relevant. Another one is the arrangement of your story. I only knew Jaemin’s death in the end and the first few paragraphs are pretty confusing. I didn’t know if you were talking about the past or the present since the scene itself is repeated.
Creativity/ Originality: 13/15
Having a lover dying is a common one, isn’t it? Yet we can still make people interested with this type of writing. I won’t be deducting your creativity much because I like the way you put Taemin as a week boy, which is total opposite of a perfect, admirable gentleman.
Flow: 8/10
The ending went a little fast, although the beginning started out good. I didn’t expect you to end Taemin’s death like that but it was okay. You didn’t overdo it (:
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Your other reviews say that your grammar is good and I’m going to agree with that too. Still, you should remember that there will still be mistakes even if our grammar is beyond good. I checked on the other reviews and I won’t repeat the mistakes you have there.
-A cool breeze reached me, and I noticed that the window in my room was open.
~A cool breeze reached me and I noticed that the window in my room was open. (You are joining the two sentences with ‘and’ so comma is not needed here.)
-The horizon was still dark, waiting for the sun to make it's appearance.
~The horizon was still dark, waiting for the sun to make its appearance.
-I walked out to the living room of the SHINee dorm just to collapse on the cool leather couch.
~I walked out to the living room of the SHINee’s dorm just to collapse on the cool leather couch.
Your vocabulary is okay, even if they’re not wide but you might want to learn more about fragmenting and construction of sentences. I noticed that you tend to put so many commas and linked those descriptions with commas. Try avoiding that because it can make the story look overdone.
Characterization: 7/10
You need to tell more about Jaemin and deepen her character because I can only see Taemin playing his role, although not that much. Let your characters develop and play with them –they aren’t your characters for nothing. You should be able to understand them and portray them wisely in your one-shot.
Writing style: 8/10
I like your writing style but as I said earlier, your fragments and usage of commas to link sentences are overdone and some parts were irrelevant. Altogether, it is an organized piece of writing and it wasn’t as jumpy as before.
Overall enjoyment: 4/5
It was a great read and do continue writing ^___^
Subtotal: 80/100
Bonus: 2/5
Total: 82/100
A very good score and Yunni didn’t disappoint me with this story (: Keep that up. ^___^~
Title: Because I know
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/_know/
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Anna @ i-DEAS thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com
Warning: The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.
Title: 4/5
You did well for making the title match up your story. However, using that as a title isn’t really going to attract people. I have to admit that it is mysterious in some ways but it doesn’t concern people to click on it and read, unless of course, they are your loyal readers and never missed any of your previous stories.
First impression: 8.5/10
I like the poster and I really don’t like to criticize other designers’ artworks especially when you requested from someone and it is not made by yourself. I am here to review your story and not to judge the artwork made by other people. Still, this applies to the review rubrics and I can’t just ignore it. What I want to point out here is that the poster isn’t quite melancholic as described in the story. The mood just isn’t there even though the pictures match. Overall, the poster is well done and it’s a good work. Your font color is readable too.
Forewords: 7.5/10
The picky foreword dealer is here, isn’t she? I know that simplicity is the best, but accuracy of the foreword is an essential. You started off good, telling that Taemin knew the girl was there but you missed something important –The feeling. I can’t feel what he was feeling because it wasn’t fully there. You made it short, which ended up stopping the readers’ interest there. It felt like Taemin was just calling her name and in another moment, it stopped. You get what I mean? Try to be constant and versatile in writing the foreword. You can’t always give the readers what they want but you can always try. I like yours but I always knew that you can do better and I will keep saying that. Remember, not all authors can write a very good foreword, even myself. Don’t let that be a reason, let it be a challenge.
Plot: 12/15
The way you did your storyline is good but the plot was short. Some parts were too irrelevant and confusing; making the story crashes its plot and characters. Try to be in the story, not telling the story. By this, you can actually write a good plot and make it longer and relevant. Another one is the arrangement of your story. I only knew Jaemin’s death in the end and the first few paragraphs are pretty confusing. I didn’t know if you were talking about the past or the present since the scene itself is repeated.
Creativity/ Originality: 13/15
Having a lover dying is a common one, isn’t it? Yet we can still make people interested with this type of writing. I won’t be deducting your creativity much because I like the way you put Taemin as a week boy, which is total opposite of a perfect, admirable gentleman.
Flow: 8/10
The ending went a little fast, although the beginning started out good. I didn’t expect you to end Taemin’s death like that but it was okay. You didn’t overdo it (:
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Your other reviews say that your grammar is good and I’m going to agree with that too. Still, you should remember that there will still be mistakes even if our grammar is beyond good. I checked on the other reviews and I won’t repeat the mistakes you have there.
-A cool breeze reached me, and I noticed that the window in my room was open.
~A cool breeze reached me and I noticed that the window in my room was open. (You are joining the two sentences with ‘and’ so comma is not needed here.)
-The horizon was still dark, waiting for the sun to make it's appearance.
~The horizon was still dark, waiting for the sun to make its appearance.
-I walked out to the living room of the SHINee dorm just to collapse on the cool leather couch.
~I walked out to the living room of the SHINee’s dorm just to collapse on the cool leather couch.
Your vocabulary is okay, even if they’re not wide but you might want to learn more about fragmenting and construction of sentences. I noticed that you tend to put so many commas and linked those descriptions with commas. Try avoiding that because it can make the story look overdone.
Characterization: 7/10
You need to tell more about Jaemin and deepen her character because I can only see Taemin playing his role, although not that much. Let your characters develop and play with them –they aren’t your characters for nothing. You should be able to understand them and portray them wisely in your one-shot.
Writing style: 8/10
I like your writing style but as I said earlier, your fragments and usage of commas to link sentences are overdone and some parts were irrelevant. Altogether, it is an organized piece of writing and it wasn’t as jumpy as before.
Overall enjoyment: 4/5
It was a great read and do continue writing ^___^
Subtotal: 80/100
Bonus: 2/5
Total: 82/100
A very good score and Yunni didn’t disappoint me with this story (: Keep that up. ^___^~
Saturday, January 2, 2010
18 guys live with me by Sujusarang
Title: 18 guys live with me
Author: Sujusarang
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/sujusarang
Reviewer: Pararae @ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 2/5
I won’t say your title is not interesting because if I running around winglin with happy, love feeling leaping inside me, I would say your title caught my attention. But your title is slightly common. 18 guys live with one girl and they fall in love with her, I think the title give away the concept too much. So try to use a better phrase or quote that reflects the story, but doesn’t spill the bean. Also, try to use a big word as a title. By using a wide range of vocabulary in the title give a different impression to the readers on how flexible the language you used.
First Impression: 7/10
I like your poster, it gives a good vibe to the story and seeing those 18 guys really hit the spot. Honestly, they are my favorite but those don’t matter anyway. I can see the quality of the pictures is not good, you should try to provide a better quality picture to the designer. And even though I like the poster, but the background set me off. Grey doesn’t fit with blue family. But having a blue background makes the story looks eye-blinding anyway, so try to find a better color to fit the background. And I can see a punctuation mistake on the poster. “Living with 18 guys..who would you fall for?”. Ellipsis (…) can only exist in a set of 3, not less.
Forewords: 4/10
Your forewords full with list of characters and a short teaser only. I wouldn’t call it complete then because you miss a basic detail such genre, length, and background. So try to write better next time and since I can’t show you how to write proper forewords, I think it’s better for you to see it for yourself. Try to search up the stories in winglin and see how most of the writers write their forewords, learn from them and try to make it better. I think you can get an idea how to write forewords properly.
Plot: 10/15
The plot is quite good, no awkward scene or jumpy action, but it could use more scene though. I notice that some of the chapters are very short while some are quite long, so try to uniform it. Writing a short chapter could impair your flow and characterization. Also, your plot move on a very basic term like; 18 guys live with one girl and they fall in love, they try their best to impress her while her ex-boyfriend who also one of the celebrities come back and confess his feeling for her and she found out that she has a deadly decease which can kill her. It’s not bad, but it could use more polishing. This kind of storyline really needs a few more scene or twisted action. Try to make a drama where most readers cannot guess, like a real mystery to give a spark to the story.
Creativity/Originality: 8/15
As I said, this plot is common. A girl loved by celebrities is common, but love story is quite overused nowadays anyway. I don’t see much creativity here because you use a basic concept of celebrity fall in love with fan. So try to add up more and since this is still an ongoing fiction, try to improve in the upcoming chapters. As for originality, even though you leave a cliff-hanger in a few chapters but it still predictable. I can guess what the half of the story is about with just a quick peak.
Flow: 6/10
The flow is quite fast. I mean, a guy fall in love with girl in an instant? I heard of love on first sight, but never would I guess it would be this quick. Try to buy times for each character to fall in love with her instead of loving her at once. As I said, try to extend the length of the chapters so more scene could be insert and valued. This way, the time frame won’t be out of lane.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
1. “Hongki..Hongki..wake up!
(Ellipsis can only appear in a set of 3.)
2. “I-I thought that …t-the fans were g-going to kidnap me!” He said as he panted. I gave him a comforting hug.
(You mistype this I think. You cannot leave a space between ellipsis and the word before it.)
3. “HAHAHA! You’re so cute. Come on now, you can sleep beside me if you want. It’s just 2AM, I bet the other Super Junior.
(I bet the other Super Junior…? I don’t think you finish writing this sentence. Correct me if I’m wrong)
4. the guys that share that(again with a divider.)
(You cannot joi9n the word ‘that’ and the bracket.)
5. On the room infont
(You misspelled in front.)
6. call me if the hurt you, arraso?
(You misspelled they.)
7. Choorin’s 16 y/o at that time
(Don’t use abbreviation.)
8. I said as tears continuously flow from my eyes.
(Flow supposed to be flowed because you write in past tense.)
9. HE can’t take it anymore; HIS tears flew out unstoppable as I left him standing on the rain.
(I don’t think it’s necessary to capitalize he and his. I think we got the point that it’s a male so stressing the word more than once is quite disturbing.)
10. Great Idea!
(Idea should be in small letter.)
11. “Ofcourse I love you more guys!”
(Of course should be separated.)
12. “Annyeong Hasaeyo, hyung”
(Haseyo shouldn’t be in capital even though it’s Korean and you miss punctuation mark at the end of the dialogue to end the sentence.)
13. When I watch Horror movies
(Horror shouldn’t be capitalized.)
14. Oh no. it’s too late,
(After period, you should capitalize the first letter, but in this case, do not chop your word. Correction: Oh no, it’s too late.)
15. My eyes wandered around the living room to see Choorin sleeping softly at the sofa. And another thing caught my eye.
(Period in front of ‘and’ is unneeded.)
16. and smile at me.
(Correction: and smiled at me.)
17. Jaejoong grabbed a pale
(Are you trying to write pail?)
18. And the die my father died.
(You misspelled ‘day’.)
Characterization: 7/10
There’s a lot of characters in your story and I don’t expect you to characterize them all completely because it would be a hard work to do, but do note that you need to characterize the main character and her pair. Ji Yong is important too because he is her ex and the readers would love to know why her brother doesn’t like him. That, I can’t figure it out until now. There must be a reason why her brother didn’t like Ji Yong. Is it because he is not rich? He’s not bright? Not good enough? Give the reason out so it would be less confusing.
Writing Style: 6/10
I’m not that fond of your writing style because it’s messy. It full of mistakes and you like to chop your words sometimes. You have problems with capitalization and a few minor mistakes, so try to spell check them after you write or you could do it manually because it would be better that way. Try to write a lengthy paragraph instead of chopping it with a few sentences only and try to use big words. Vocabulary could help you enhance your English skill so try harder next time.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I enjoy your story and I like Ki Bum’s character. He’s quite mysterious at first but when he opens up, he is quite a charmer too.
Sub Total: 58/100
Bonus: 2/5 I give you bonuses for…
1. Effort. I can see you put an effort into this story.
2. Because you dare to use a lot of characters. Most writers try to sum it up to what they can handle, like 3 or 4 only but you manage to use 18 or more of them at once. This is for your guts.
Total: 60/100
Author: Sujusarang
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/sujusarang
Reviewer: Pararae @ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 2/5
I won’t say your title is not interesting because if I running around winglin with happy, love feeling leaping inside me, I would say your title caught my attention. But your title is slightly common. 18 guys live with one girl and they fall in love with her, I think the title give away the concept too much. So try to use a better phrase or quote that reflects the story, but doesn’t spill the bean. Also, try to use a big word as a title. By using a wide range of vocabulary in the title give a different impression to the readers on how flexible the language you used.
First Impression: 7/10
I like your poster, it gives a good vibe to the story and seeing those 18 guys really hit the spot. Honestly, they are my favorite but those don’t matter anyway. I can see the quality of the pictures is not good, you should try to provide a better quality picture to the designer. And even though I like the poster, but the background set me off. Grey doesn’t fit with blue family. But having a blue background makes the story looks eye-blinding anyway, so try to find a better color to fit the background. And I can see a punctuation mistake on the poster. “Living with 18 guys..who would you fall for?”. Ellipsis (…) can only exist in a set of 3, not less.
Forewords: 4/10
Your forewords full with list of characters and a short teaser only. I wouldn’t call it complete then because you miss a basic detail such genre, length, and background. So try to write better next time and since I can’t show you how to write proper forewords, I think it’s better for you to see it for yourself. Try to search up the stories in winglin and see how most of the writers write their forewords, learn from them and try to make it better. I think you can get an idea how to write forewords properly.
Plot: 10/15
The plot is quite good, no awkward scene or jumpy action, but it could use more scene though. I notice that some of the chapters are very short while some are quite long, so try to uniform it. Writing a short chapter could impair your flow and characterization. Also, your plot move on a very basic term like; 18 guys live with one girl and they fall in love, they try their best to impress her while her ex-boyfriend who also one of the celebrities come back and confess his feeling for her and she found out that she has a deadly decease which can kill her. It’s not bad, but it could use more polishing. This kind of storyline really needs a few more scene or twisted action. Try to make a drama where most readers cannot guess, like a real mystery to give a spark to the story.
Creativity/Originality: 8/15
As I said, this plot is common. A girl loved by celebrities is common, but love story is quite overused nowadays anyway. I don’t see much creativity here because you use a basic concept of celebrity fall in love with fan. So try to add up more and since this is still an ongoing fiction, try to improve in the upcoming chapters. As for originality, even though you leave a cliff-hanger in a few chapters but it still predictable. I can guess what the half of the story is about with just a quick peak.
Flow: 6/10
The flow is quite fast. I mean, a guy fall in love with girl in an instant? I heard of love on first sight, but never would I guess it would be this quick. Try to buy times for each character to fall in love with her instead of loving her at once. As I said, try to extend the length of the chapters so more scene could be insert and valued. This way, the time frame won’t be out of lane.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
1. “Hongki..Hongki..wake up!
(Ellipsis can only appear in a set of 3.)
2. “I-I thought that …t-the fans were g-going to kidnap me!” He said as he panted. I gave him a comforting hug.
(You mistype this I think. You cannot leave a space between ellipsis and the word before it.)
3. “HAHAHA! You’re so cute. Come on now, you can sleep beside me if you want. It’s just 2AM, I bet the other Super Junior.
(I bet the other Super Junior…? I don’t think you finish writing this sentence. Correct me if I’m wrong)
4. the guys that share that(again with a divider.)
(You cannot joi9n the word ‘that’ and the bracket.)
5. On the room infont
(You misspelled in front.)
6. call me if the hurt you, arraso?
(You misspelled they.)
7. Choorin’s 16 y/o at that time
(Don’t use abbreviation.)
8. I said as tears continuously flow from my eyes.
(Flow supposed to be flowed because you write in past tense.)
9. HE can’t take it anymore; HIS tears flew out unstoppable as I left him standing on the rain.
(I don’t think it’s necessary to capitalize he and his. I think we got the point that it’s a male so stressing the word more than once is quite disturbing.)
10. Great Idea!
(Idea should be in small letter.)
11. “Ofcourse I love you more guys!”
(Of course should be separated.)
12. “Annyeong Hasaeyo, hyung”
(Haseyo shouldn’t be in capital even though it’s Korean and you miss punctuation mark at the end of the dialogue to end the sentence.)
13. When I watch Horror movies
(Horror shouldn’t be capitalized.)
14. Oh no. it’s too late,
(After period, you should capitalize the first letter, but in this case, do not chop your word. Correction: Oh no, it’s too late.)
15. My eyes wandered around the living room to see Choorin sleeping softly at the sofa. And another thing caught my eye.
(Period in front of ‘and’ is unneeded.)
16. and smile at me.
(Correction: and smiled at me.)
17. Jaejoong grabbed a pale
(Are you trying to write pail?)
18. And the die my father died.
(You misspelled ‘day’.)
Characterization: 7/10
There’s a lot of characters in your story and I don’t expect you to characterize them all completely because it would be a hard work to do, but do note that you need to characterize the main character and her pair. Ji Yong is important too because he is her ex and the readers would love to know why her brother doesn’t like him. That, I can’t figure it out until now. There must be a reason why her brother didn’t like Ji Yong. Is it because he is not rich? He’s not bright? Not good enough? Give the reason out so it would be less confusing.
Writing Style: 6/10
I’m not that fond of your writing style because it’s messy. It full of mistakes and you like to chop your words sometimes. You have problems with capitalization and a few minor mistakes, so try to spell check them after you write or you could do it manually because it would be better that way. Try to write a lengthy paragraph instead of chopping it with a few sentences only and try to use big words. Vocabulary could help you enhance your English skill so try harder next time.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I enjoy your story and I like Ki Bum’s character. He’s quite mysterious at first but when he opens up, he is quite a charmer too.
Sub Total: 58/100
Bonus: 2/5 I give you bonuses for…
1. Effort. I can see you put an effort into this story.
2. Because you dare to use a lot of characters. Most writers try to sum it up to what they can handle, like 3 or 4 only but you manage to use 18 or more of them at once. This is for your guts.
Total: 60/100
Figment by th1rd3ye
Author : th1rd3ye
Title : Figment
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_tm_Figment/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Yunni @ i-DEAS
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.
Title: 5/5
I have to hand it to you for the title- I was wondering what it had to do with your fic at first, but as I read, I really liked the way it was going. Your title had a hook in for the reader, and although it was never mentioned inside the story, one can clearly understand why it was named like this.
First Impression: 7.5/10
Dark and wonderfully angsty. I didn't have to read it to know it was angst =p I like the colors (probably because my favorite color is black - -'), and it made a good impression. However, the color contrast with the girl's picture (the dark/light) kind of put it out of perspective for me.
Forewords: 9/10
I really like the way you wrote your forewords- they were complete, gave the details of the story, credited the designer, included a summary and your notes. It was also a treat because it was organized. However, what really stuck out to me was the way you wrote your summary; it was short, but filling. You also gave sneak peeks for each chapter, which I thought was a really good idea.
Somehow, I feel like something is missing from your forewords, though I can't point out what.
Plot: 12/15
I loved your plot. Period. That's it; that's all there is to it. I loved your plot. Although I personally don't like noona-dongsaeng relationships, the plot was very, very beautiful. It's not original in the sense that it hasn't been done before, but your style makes it very fresh, as if no one's ever wrote it before. The ending confused me a bit- where TaeMin "jumps" off the balcony, but it made perfect sense afterward, and when the entire episode was explained, I found myself with my mouth open. It was an incredible ending. Well done.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Like I said before, I loved your ending. I really did; I think it was the most refreshing I've read in a while. Beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time when the truth just hits you on the head.
Flow: 9/10
I think that part that really got to me was when TaeMin suddenly walked off of the balcony. That was confusing and somewhat paused the flow of the story, but other than that, good job on the flow, because the entire story focused on the progression of TaeMin and her relationship.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5.5/10
Let me start by saying that I am extremely nitpicky in this section, no joke. I will explain why you received the mark you did in the following examples.
Don't get me wrong, you have good grammar. However, it's just those small mistakes that are catching and bothering me as I read the fic, and I get very agitated when I see them (even in my own works), so please bear with me.
-
Eventually, he manages to sneak a peck on my cheeks
Contradictory. How does he sneak one peck on your cheeks, cheeks being plural?
=
His concern for me was written in his face.
The problem here is with the 'in'. How can something be written in someone's face? The proper word would be 'on'- His concertn for me was written on his face.
=
“Tae Min loves Noona.” Tae Min confessed to me in front of the camera.
“And Noona loves Tae Min.”
Okay, first things first. When naming something (or someone), their name is capitalized. However, if you are using a simple noun in place of someone's name, it is not capitalized. For example, you wouldn't say, "My Sister." You'd say, "My sister." Same case when the 'noona' in here.
Secondly, the period before TaeMin confessed. There should be a comma there in place of the period because he's in the middle of doing something.
=
“Wasn’t I sly?” - You may think this way.
This was the part that jerked me out of the story the most. Here, your wording was awkward and incorrect- I had to read this a couple of times to make sense of what you were saying.
You wanted to say something along the lines of "You may think I'm sly, but...", correct? Well, why don't you just word it this way instead of the way you did? Your sentence structure here is very confusing, and it doesn't make sense until the reader re-reads this. The example of how to word it would fit perfectly in with your next sentence:
However, when you are in love with someone, you will do everything you can to be by his side, and to get his undivided attention, isn’t it?
There are problems here as well. Firstly, the biggest and first thing I noticed was the 'isn't it?' at the end. It isn't supposed to be there. If you read the sentence out loud, you'd discover that with the 'isn't it' at the end, it doesn't make sense. When you have a however, you would normally use a 'right?', right? Plug that in instead of the 'isn't it' and you'll see the point I'm trying to make.
Secondly, comma usage. The comma before the 'and' is unnecessary and makes your sentence sound more draggy, thus creating a longer run-on that what was originally intended.
=
Apparently, the videos which Mdm Kim had filmed, included videos of her and vast emptiness.
Okay, two mistakes here. First and foremost, never, ever, EVER abbreviate something like Madam to Mdm when writing. It makes one think that the author is/was not serious in writing their story. Also, again with the comma usage- take out the comma after 'filmed'. See, if you write it like that, it means you're re-naming a noun, and if you take out the middle part, the first and last part would make sense together. In this case, that's not what you're doing.
=
The police believed that the ‘Tae Min’ was an imaginary being and thus would like any real kin of Madam Kim to contact them as soon as possible…”
Yet again, three mistakes here. First, there is no 'the' in front of Tae Min unless you specify that it was the TaeMin in her videos. There could me a million other TaeMins in the world.
Second, the word 'thus' has the same meaning as 'therefore'. "The police believed that the 'TaeMin' was an imaginary being and therefore would..."
Your wording here is confusing. Elaborate the point that because 'TaeMin' isn't a real person, ask her relative to contact the police.
Third, there is no 'like'. It doesn't make sense and it doesn't fit into your sentence. It shouldn't exist. That sentence isn't saying, "And thus, would, like, any real kin..." If it was, I'd understand, but it's not.
=
Jace sighed during the commercial break, “Poor Mdm Kim, may you rest in peace.” Jace then read through the news about Mdm Kim again, “If only she was able to let go of her pain…”
I mentioned this before in another section, but dialogue punctuation. The way you put it just doesn't make sense.
Jace sighed during the commercial break.
"Poor Madam Kim, may you rest in peace."
Wouldn't that sound better and less awkward than you putting the comma after 'break'? I also mentioned something about the abbreviation before. Please don't abbreviate in things/places like these; it really takes the reader's attention off of the story.
I haven't said this before, but I am also very big on repetition. Instead of using Jace's name twice, why don't you something like, "the news reporter", or another noun that names her other than her name?
===
You may have noticed that a lot of these examples were taken from the end of your story- that's because it was my favorite part of your fic, and therefore the part where I was most intrigued. Therefore, I'm more wary of the mistakes there than anywhere else. These aren't anything major, but please do be careful of them.
Characterisation: 7/10
I liked the way you portrayed the main character without revealing too much about her until the end- that was the neat thing about this fic. Also, good job with TaeMin's characterization- you completely put him into character, and he stuck to his personality through the end. I wouldn't mind a little expanding of their personalities, though, especially since this is a short story and not a oneshot. It gives the author more space to develop her characters.
Writing Style: 7/10
I liked your writing style because it was simple and understandable, but please do try to expand it a bit more. Throw in some big words, and definitely put in more details. You need them.
Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/5
Sub Total: 77.5/100
Bonus: 2/5
1. For the great ending
2. TAEMIN<3 =)
Total: 79.5/100
About the grammar section; I'd just like to say again that your grammar is fine. However, I'd also like to stress on the fact that I am very paranoid and picky when it comes to grading this section. That's all =) Keep writing and improving.
Title : Figment
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_tm_Figment/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Yunni @ i-DEAS
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.
Title: 5/5
I have to hand it to you for the title- I was wondering what it had to do with your fic at first, but as I read, I really liked the way it was going. Your title had a hook in for the reader, and although it was never mentioned inside the story, one can clearly understand why it was named like this.
First Impression: 7.5/10
Dark and wonderfully angsty. I didn't have to read it to know it was angst =p I like the colors (probably because my favorite color is black - -'), and it made a good impression. However, the color contrast with the girl's picture (the dark/light) kind of put it out of perspective for me.
Forewords: 9/10
I really like the way you wrote your forewords- they were complete, gave the details of the story, credited the designer, included a summary and your notes. It was also a treat because it was organized. However, what really stuck out to me was the way you wrote your summary; it was short, but filling. You also gave sneak peeks for each chapter, which I thought was a really good idea.
Somehow, I feel like something is missing from your forewords, though I can't point out what.
Plot: 12/15
I loved your plot. Period. That's it; that's all there is to it. I loved your plot. Although I personally don't like noona-dongsaeng relationships, the plot was very, very beautiful. It's not original in the sense that it hasn't been done before, but your style makes it very fresh, as if no one's ever wrote it before. The ending confused me a bit- where TaeMin "jumps" off the balcony, but it made perfect sense afterward, and when the entire episode was explained, I found myself with my mouth open. It was an incredible ending. Well done.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Like I said before, I loved your ending. I really did; I think it was the most refreshing I've read in a while. Beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time when the truth just hits you on the head.
Flow: 9/10
I think that part that really got to me was when TaeMin suddenly walked off of the balcony. That was confusing and somewhat paused the flow of the story, but other than that, good job on the flow, because the entire story focused on the progression of TaeMin and her relationship.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5.5/10
Let me start by saying that I am extremely nitpicky in this section, no joke. I will explain why you received the mark you did in the following examples.
Don't get me wrong, you have good grammar. However, it's just those small mistakes that are catching and bothering me as I read the fic, and I get very agitated when I see them (even in my own works), so please bear with me.
-
Eventually, he manages to sneak a peck on my cheeks
Contradictory. How does he sneak one peck on your cheeks, cheeks being plural?
=
His concern for me was written in his face.
The problem here is with the 'in'. How can something be written in someone's face? The proper word would be 'on'- His concertn for me was written on his face.
=
“Tae Min loves Noona.” Tae Min confessed to me in front of the camera.
“And Noona loves Tae Min.”
Okay, first things first. When naming something (or someone), their name is capitalized. However, if you are using a simple noun in place of someone's name, it is not capitalized. For example, you wouldn't say, "My Sister." You'd say, "My sister." Same case when the 'noona' in here.
Secondly, the period before TaeMin confessed. There should be a comma there in place of the period because he's in the middle of doing something.
=
“Wasn’t I sly?” - You may think this way.
This was the part that jerked me out of the story the most. Here, your wording was awkward and incorrect- I had to read this a couple of times to make sense of what you were saying.
You wanted to say something along the lines of "You may think I'm sly, but...", correct? Well, why don't you just word it this way instead of the way you did? Your sentence structure here is very confusing, and it doesn't make sense until the reader re-reads this. The example of how to word it would fit perfectly in with your next sentence:
However, when you are in love with someone, you will do everything you can to be by his side, and to get his undivided attention, isn’t it?
There are problems here as well. Firstly, the biggest and first thing I noticed was the 'isn't it?' at the end. It isn't supposed to be there. If you read the sentence out loud, you'd discover that with the 'isn't it' at the end, it doesn't make sense. When you have a however, you would normally use a 'right?', right? Plug that in instead of the 'isn't it' and you'll see the point I'm trying to make.
Secondly, comma usage. The comma before the 'and' is unnecessary and makes your sentence sound more draggy, thus creating a longer run-on that what was originally intended.
=
Apparently, the videos which Mdm Kim had filmed, included videos of her and vast emptiness.
Okay, two mistakes here. First and foremost, never, ever, EVER abbreviate something like Madam to Mdm when writing. It makes one think that the author is/was not serious in writing their story. Also, again with the comma usage- take out the comma after 'filmed'. See, if you write it like that, it means you're re-naming a noun, and if you take out the middle part, the first and last part would make sense together. In this case, that's not what you're doing.
=
The police believed that the ‘Tae Min’ was an imaginary being and thus would like any real kin of Madam Kim to contact them as soon as possible…”
Yet again, three mistakes here. First, there is no 'the' in front of Tae Min unless you specify that it was the TaeMin in her videos. There could me a million other TaeMins in the world.
Second, the word 'thus' has the same meaning as 'therefore'. "The police believed that the 'TaeMin' was an imaginary being and therefore would..."
Your wording here is confusing. Elaborate the point that because 'TaeMin' isn't a real person, ask her relative to contact the police.
Third, there is no 'like'. It doesn't make sense and it doesn't fit into your sentence. It shouldn't exist. That sentence isn't saying, "And thus, would, like, any real kin..." If it was, I'd understand, but it's not.
=
Jace sighed during the commercial break, “Poor Mdm Kim, may you rest in peace.” Jace then read through the news about Mdm Kim again, “If only she was able to let go of her pain…”
I mentioned this before in another section, but dialogue punctuation. The way you put it just doesn't make sense.
Jace sighed during the commercial break.
"Poor Madam Kim, may you rest in peace."
Wouldn't that sound better and less awkward than you putting the comma after 'break'? I also mentioned something about the abbreviation before. Please don't abbreviate in things/places like these; it really takes the reader's attention off of the story.
I haven't said this before, but I am also very big on repetition. Instead of using Jace's name twice, why don't you something like, "the news reporter", or another noun that names her other than her name?
===
You may have noticed that a lot of these examples were taken from the end of your story- that's because it was my favorite part of your fic, and therefore the part where I was most intrigued. Therefore, I'm more wary of the mistakes there than anywhere else. These aren't anything major, but please do be careful of them.
Characterisation: 7/10
I liked the way you portrayed the main character without revealing too much about her until the end- that was the neat thing about this fic. Also, good job with TaeMin's characterization- you completely put him into character, and he stuck to his personality through the end. I wouldn't mind a little expanding of their personalities, though, especially since this is a short story and not a oneshot. It gives the author more space to develop her characters.
Writing Style: 7/10
I liked your writing style because it was simple and understandable, but please do try to expand it a bit more. Throw in some big words, and definitely put in more details. You need them.
Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/5
Sub Total: 77.5/100
Bonus: 2/5
1. For the great ending
2. TAEMIN<3 =)
Total: 79.5/100
About the grammar section; I'd just like to say again that your grammar is fine. However, I'd also like to stress on the fact that I am very paranoid and picky when it comes to grading this section. That's all =) Keep writing and improving.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)