~G E N R E – H O P P I N G~ by pumpgunsoup

Author: pumpgunsoup
Title: ~G E N R E – H O P P I N G~
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/pumpgunsoup/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: .flavored

Title: 3/5
Erm… there’s a huge mistake. What you’re doing is NOT genre hopping. It’s writing style hopping.

Yes, there is sort of some semblance of genre hopping, but not much. Genre refers to things like ‘horror’, ‘fantasy’, ‘action’, ‘drama’, ‘angst’ and so on. And yes, although sometimes you change your writing style somewhat to suit, it’s not that much -.-|||

Anyway, I’m also concerned about is the lack of capitals in the chapter titles… It just… irks me. No offence, but yeah. Please use caps in titles freely (for the first letters) unless you have a motive for leaving them uncapped.

First Impression: 9/10
It’s a Phebs poster. Who can resist Pheb’s posters?! XD
The colours you picked are also good enough, though I myself prefer to have one single colour scheme (but I won’t deduct marks for that since it’s my personal preference).

However, I do have something against decorative titles. Unless it serves a purpose (to decorate it that is), then I’d rather you just stick with “Genre-hopping”. The decorative feature gives an… amateurish feel to it… It’s nothing big. Just a suggestion.

Forewords: 8/10
Succinct and short. I could immediately tell how the title came about. Have nothing against this, but I didn’t love it either.

Also, it might be better if you put the group/book/film titles into single quotation marks. For example, instead of:

“Switch
Johnny Cash to DongBangShinKi”

You could put:

“Switch ‘Johnny Cash’ to ‘Dong Bang Shin Ki’.”

As you can see I would rather you make those three parts into sentences, but it’s no biggy.

Plot: 8/15

Were you intending to write pure crack? XD Because this is what it is. Although I have nothing against it, your forewords and title don’t represent the plot well at all.

And truthfully… there’s no plot at all. It’s just a bunch of random stuff mixed together, which leads me to think that this is actually pure crack (‘cept for some tiny parts).

Which unfortunately, would not be genre-hopping because there would be only one genre: crack.

So… the easiest way would be to change the title. To… I don’t know. Maybe, ‘Random Selections of SHINee Crack’ (please do not take the title, it was utterly random and unthinking) or something.

But anyway, it’s rare to see a fic like this in winglin. CRACK FIC! =DDDD

Creativity/Originality: 14/15

I can’t say that you’re not creative. Lolz XD A point off for some parts though – I’ve seen some parts of your fic’s plot used elsewhere before.

Flow: 7/10
A bit awkward at first. But flowed better towards the end. No real flow since it’s a bunch of random things one after another.

But who cares. =D

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10

Lolz. I’m just wondering, why is Onew’s name spelt “ONew” while the rest of the SHINee members are spelt with small letters? Please be consistent. If you want all to use “ONew”, please extend it to the other members. Although, I must say, “ONew” looks a little weird to me… Has to do with the English connotation (O New). XD

Spelling no real problem (‘cept I spotted a few mistake along the way down, but proof-reading will cure it). Vocabulary is good enough. Grammar… well, you did choose to write in present tense. It’s actually a lot more difficult to write in present tense than past tense. But there’s not real problem, just some small grammar mistakes here and there.
Which is really commendable since English is not your first language – and that really makes me like you because it’s a lot better than quite a lot of native English speakers that write in Winglin.

Anyway, the only way to prevent them grammar mistakes is to proof-read. Or if you’re unable to spot your mistakes (are you’re lazy XD), you can always hire a beta-reader. Here’s a good site: http://season-of-mist.blogspot.com/ (Quite obviously, I work there too XD But, I’m kinda busy so requesting me is risky =P).

Note: However, the problem with a beta-reader is that sometimes, if you get lazy, you’ll end up depending on your beta-reader so much that you won’t improve at all. So, in order not to become lazy, you must make your beta-reader become your English teacher. Ask them to highlight their changes and if you have any questions on why they changed it, ask them!
   
Characterisation: 7/10
Shallow characterisation at first (especially in a beginning). But crack-fics tend to do that to characters.

Later on, slightly more defined characters for the characters. Especially in Chapter 13. Lmao. That was epic XD

Writing Style: 6/10

You kept switching styles. Which… seems to be what your story is about… but, then it would mean you title is wrong… Anyway, here are some points.

Firstly, it would be better if you wrote in longer sentences. For example, in chapter 1:

“And with that they got up in several directions:
ONew to the living room,
Jonghyun to the bathroom,
Key to the kitchen,
Minho followed Key as soon as he had made his bed
and Taemin went to the wardrobe.”

My suggestion:

“And with that, they got up and went on to do their own things. Onew, being the dork he was, went to the living room to watch television. Jonghyun, the practical one, went to the bathroom to relieve an uncomfortable feeling in the middle of his legs. Key, the Omma, went to the kitchen to cook. Minho, the responsible one, followed after Key as soon as he had made his bed. And finally, Taemin, the youngest, with nothing else to do, went to the wardrobe to shift through his clothes and decide which fashion he would go with that day.”

Remember that when you describe seemingly useless things – like where each individual person went, it’s always better to take advantage of them to do things like, introduce the characters’ characters, or describe their appearances. Otherwise, that whole paragraph is just going to take up space and waste the reader’s time.

(Btw, the suggestion was written in past tense.)

Secondly, script form. Nothing wrong with script form. Except, in chapter 2, you marbled normal novel form with script form. Remember what I said about consistency? Choose one and stick with it.

My suggestion would be novel form. So…

Instead of:
[Minho hops into the van next to Key]
"Good morning, this is Choi Minho for shining SHINee news with sports"
[clears his throat]
"soccer: Turkey beats Armenia 2:0. What a game! ^^ The game was AMAZING you all should hav[Key nudges him]"
[Minho gains his composure again]
"More exciting games are waiting today and now to the stock market."
This would be better:

Minho hops into the van next to Key. “Good morning, this is Choi Minho for shining SHINee news with sports!”

Dramatically, he clears his throat. “In soccer! Turkey beats Armenia 2:0! What a game! The game was AMAZING! You should hav–”

Key glares at Minho, who is wincing at the hard nudge in his ribs, courtesy of the former. With a sheepish smile, Minho regains his composure and continues reporting. “More exciting games are waiting today and now to the stock market.”

And even better:

Minho, guessing his cue, quickly hopped into the van next to Key. The latter winced as Minho’s arm nearly rammed into his nose. “And good morning! This is Choi Minho with sports on shining SHINee news!”

Dramatically, he cleared his throat. “And, in soccer! Turkey beats Armenia two to zero! What a game it was! It was seriously AMAZING! Seriously, all of you should hav– OW!”

Key’s glare was as deadly as the super hard nudge that had caused Minho to yelp in pain. With a sheepish grin, Minho quickly resumed reporting. “Sorry. Anyway, there’ll be more exciting matches scheduled today, but for now, we’re on to the stock market.”

So… that ends my suggestions. The last one tends to make things all the more dramatic, but it’s up to you to choose what you prefer.

Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/5
Lolz. In the beginning I was a little confused because the fic wasn’t what the title and forewords said it would be. But after that I began to enjoy it. It was really funny XD
Although, I didn’t like it when you started to use script form. It’s not something one should get used to, and try not to use both styles. Instead, just use one – either script form of novel. In winglin, novel form tends to be more well received. But people don’t mind as long as the story’s good. Anyway, I feel that your story is told better when written in novel style. So yeah.

Sub Total: 74.5/100

Bonus: 4/5
One point for writing a crack-fic. Second point for actually amusing me. Third point for not making my eye twitch in irritation. And fourth… YOU WROTE A CRACK FIC! =D

Total: 77.5/100

An Expert of Love Can Sometime Make Mistake

Author: Autumn Lover
Title: An Expert of Love Can Sometime Make Mistake
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/AUTUMN_LOVER/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: TongTong

Title: 4/5
The title is certainly attractive, but I find it too long and too specific that it lacked the mysterious factor.  In other words, the title kind of narrowed down the number of readers…people who are looking for precisely this type of story would certainly click on the story link, but the rest might not be interested to give the story a try, thinking it would just be another typical “player turned faithful” story.

First Impression: 5/10
The story page speaks out, “It’s definitely NOT an idol story…it’s my (slightly) modified life story.”  To be honest, the default colours didn’t appeal to me either.

Forewords: 7/10
Somehow you tried to make the forewords poetic, or to have an artsy mood that readers can fall into…but the grammatical mistakes killed that mood…It’s definitely an attractive forewords if you can go back and proof-read it.

Plot: 10/15
There isn’t much of a ‘tangible’ plot…it’s more like a journey to the deepest depth of the soul.  Because your ‘story’ is more like collection of many different pieces, I’ll go easy on you with the marking on this one.

Creativity/Originality: 14/15
I have seen collection of reflective pieces before on winglin, but most of them are poetries...so yours is pretty unique. ^__^

Flow: 3/10
Your grammar really jolts the mind out of whatever mood you are initially trying to create.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
Although, your grammar didn’t distract me completely from understanding each of the reflection pieces, it’s still very distracting.  The followings are just some of the common mistakes that I saw in your writing:

-No capitalization of the pronoun ‘I’
-Not staying in one verb tense
-Inappropriate use of punctuations
-typos
-spelling errors
-awkward sentences
(ie. I have experience much worser pains as the day grew by…..—Chapter 3)
(Suggestion:  I have experienced much worse pains as each day passed by.)

You should take the time to proof read your work.  If you find it hard to improve your writing by yourself, then find a beta reader.
   
Characterisation: 8/10
I can picture tell main character from each of the chapters apart.  The first chapter starring a girl who falls in love quite innocently.  The main heroine from the second chapter is an ordinary, yet cheerful girl.  The third heroine is prideful and ambitious.  But still, you can make their characters even more apparent.

Writing Style: 8/10
I like the inner descriptive first-person perspective.  You definitely write with a strong passion, and I think you could become a great writer someday.  However again, you definitely need to work on your grammar and take the time to proof-read.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
It’s nice, because I can feel myself in each of the heroines’ shoes through your passionate writing.

Sub Total: 69/100

Bonus: 5/5

Total: 74/100

I apologize for the delayed review.  Thank you for requesting from i-DEAS!  I hope you’ll request from us again in the future!

Dream On by M&Mkwonღ

Author: M&Mkwonღ

Title: Dream On

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/dream_on/

Status: Completed

Reviewer: Imperfection.x3

 

Title: 4/5

It may be common, but it really fit with the story.

First Impression: 10/10

WOOH~ 10/10!! Its like 2PM over here. I really liked it, it was clean yet mysterious.

Forewords: 7/10

The prolouge was quite nice but i found the rest confusing.

Plot: 13/15

Like I said pretty common, but great minds think alike!

Creativity/Originality: 14/15

I like the quote in the chapter, it matches.

Flow: 6/10

A bit fast, although it was a oneshot. Take time, and let the chapter flow, soft but powerful.

:D

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/10

Dang Girl, Another one?! LOL It's really well said.

Characterisation:  8/10

During the story, I could tell that SoHee was a tough cookie

Writing Style: 10/10
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
HeeDragon~
Sub Total: 87/100

Bonus: 5/5
It captured me.

Total: 92/100
AMAZING!

My Stalker by morning_glory

Title: My Stalker

Author: morning_glory

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/morning_glory1/

Reviewer: Pararae

Site: http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/

Title: 3/5 the title mostly picture how Hebe meet Aaron who only appear in second part, but I can’t find any connection with the first one. Maybe, because you’re trying to say that the real plot start when Aaron Yan appeared and the story about Hebe’s last boyfriend is just a kind of scene you want to point out on why she’s been acting quite distant with everyone. But try to find a title that fit both scenes without leaving one behind, because title supposed to fit the story line, not just a scene. 

First Impression: 8/10 I like the color, yellow is always a good way to bring out a bright mood and the blending makes it look good. Black and yellow is always the best partner and the pictures are really pretty, even though, Aaron’s picture is disturbed by random people that I think; it goes along with the picture before it was photoshop. The font is suitable too and the background is simple but really attractive. Your poster and background are the one that catch my attention when the window tab pops up and I just love how it is done.

Forewords: 7/10 I think the forewords are more like an author note, despite that you do give out the cast name. I won’t say it’s organized, but it’s not scrabbled either and since this is a collection of one shots, it’s unnecessary to point out any basic details such genre and summary, but I do hope you give fairly attention to forewords as you give to the other chapters, because it looks too plain to be one.

Plot: 8/15 okay, let’s make it straight, your story is about Hebe who has a boyfriend whose addicted to money till the point he kidnapped a girl to force money from the parents and later got killed. A few days later, Hebe met another boy named Aaron who wanted to become her friend. I kind of like the idea of friendship rather than love story, but you didn’t insert any action or interesting drama to make the story better. It’s quite disappointing to see a story to end just like that with no fun scenes. You can always add a few interesting events when Aaron tried his best to gain Hebe’s attention and maybe you can add few action when Hebe found out about her boyfriend. But I think the plot is acceptable so far because you caught attention at the second part.

Creativity/Originality: 7/15 I can’t find any other story like this, boyfriend died because he was shot by police officer and later, his girlfriend met another guy who wants to become friends with her. It’s good that you didn’t make Aaron fall in love with Hebe or I would have to deduct your marks because love story is just overused these days.

Flow: 4/10 your flow is too fast, even for one shot, but your flow is too fast to catch. The part when the little girl got kidnapped then later got taken away and the boyfriend was killed is just too fast. It as if everything happens in a blink of an eye with no precise elaboration and details.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10 there’s not much mistakes, but I’ve found some here and there…

1)      "Hey, don't be scared. Nothing bad is going to happen. He just wants some money, that's all.

(You forget to put quotation marks behind the sentence.)

2)      The little girl's eyes widened when they saw the guy, and she clutched Hebe's hand tighter.

(‘They’ is not the right one to use because you’re talking about the girl exclude Hebe because you’re saying that the girl is scared and grabbed Hebe’s hand tightly.)

3)      She wasn't sure whether or not she should be relieved or not,

(Don’t repeat ‘or not’ at the end of the sentence because it would be better if you don’t.)

It’s good that there’s not much mistakes here but your sentences are too choppy, so try to use some conjunction to make the sentences better.

Characterization: 5/10 I don’t get the characters at all. I just imagine them as an ordinary girl and boys living on earth. You didn’t give an exact explanation on each character, leaving their personalities rather ambiguous and blurry. Try to add a few habit or personality in them that make them arise among the others. I know writing characterization is quite hard for one shot but try to give it a full characterization.

Writing Style: 6/10 your writing is choppy sometimes and quite simple. You didn’t use big and complicated words; instead you just love to play around with the simple one. I know big words are not important if the readers don’t understand it, but I won’t dismiss the claim that if you use it, it will enhance your marks and your skill.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5 I don’t really enjoy your story because it’s too simple, with no action or shocking event to make me fascinate about.

Sub Total: 58/100

Bonus: 2/5 I give you bonus because…

1)      For keeping the originality throughout the story

2)      For making less mistakes in spelling, grammar and vocabulary despite a few accidental errors.

But you lost 3 marks because…

1)      Your story is too simple with no interesting event and action

2)      Your characterization is too blurry and incomplete.

3)      Your writing style is too simple. Simple is good but too simple is sometimes could ruin the whole excitement.

Total: 60/100

Spread Your Wings by Star-chan

Author : Star-chan
Title : Spread Your Wings
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/SCwings
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Yunni @ i-DEAS

Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.


Title: 5/5

I must admit, I really like the title. Those three words give off such a light and beautiful feeling that it's hard not to be drawn in by it.
=
First Impression: 6/10

The poster was great, but what really deducted your marks was the colors scheme. You had a dominate color, yes, but something didn't feel quite right. Your title, I think. It didn't exactly put this color in my mind, and that made it somewhat awkward even before I read your story.
=
Forewords: 2/10

You put an introduction/short summary in the forewords, but it's missing everything else- all the other basic information that your forewords should include, such as your title, genre, copyright (that's up to you), and your own notes pertaining to the fic (should you have any). It's too short and barely offers any information about the fic itself while it centers in on your plot.
=
Plot: 11/15

This plot isn't unheard of before, and it was made all the more common when the two characters met and fell in love just like that. However, don't you think that it's too rushed? It's a one-shot, and I know it's hard to develop a lot of details in just one chapter, but really, in this case, the story is way too rushed if you don't have them. It sounds unrealistic and random.
=
Creativity/Originality: 9/15

Your mark in this area is affected by the originality of the plot itself. However, I think you deserve credit for some of the things such as reference of life and the characters to the butterflies and the butterfly-ie ending at the end. HAHAHA.
Although I liked the scenery and the dialogue at the end, it's how you wrapped up the story that took some of the points off-
"Where we would end up after we left this world, I don't know; but if it were an utopia, I would choose to stay there, forever with you."

This line just doesn't seem to have anything to do with the story.
=
Flow: 4/10

Your flow is WAY TOO FAST. As I mentioned in your plot, you have rushed the story. In the beginning, when Onew tried to cheer the girl up, already the pace was too fast- who, especially after being abused, would let a stranger touch you? Secondly, to just have your characters falling in love because of this is unrealistic. The couple "got together" too fast, and your flow was too rushed because you centered it around this point.
Also...

"When I heard your timid voice on the other end, I instantly knew that it was you."  ---> how did he know?
=
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10

There were problems with punctuation, grammar, comma usage, and had redundant sentences and repetitive words throughout the story; I am only pulling up random examples.

-

Punctuation

"Anneyong! Um, here's your handkerchief." You said, holding out the piece of material, tilting your head to the right and waited for me to take it.

You use a comma at the end of whatever the character says, unless it's a question or an exclamation, in which you would use the appropriate punctuation marks.

-

Grammar

"As the water cascaded over the edge, it made a soft trickling sound which filled our comfortable silence."

The correct grammar in this case would be to change 'which' to 'that'.

-

Comma usage

"There was one night, that I know will never erase from my mind."

The comma after 'night' doesn't need to be there. This happened a lot throughout the fic where you put commas where they weren't supposed to be. Commas are signs that one should take a breath or pause for a short while while reading; it slows down the speed and flow of the words. When you put it in the wrong place, it makes the entire piece sound awkward.

Also, here:

"All I could do was offer you warmth, advice, love and care."

Be sure to add a comma after 'love', unless love and care was meant to be one subject, and not by their own (which isn't the case in your context).

-

Redundancy

"We knew lots about each other, though we didn't know everything. I had to admit though."

The second sentence, 'I had to admit,' is completely unnecessary. Why not just combine them? Also, the second part of your first sentence is also unnecessary. By saying 'we knew lots about each other, though we didn't know everything,' you are just repeating yourself and adding unnecessary detail in. You could rephrase it to something like this:

"I'll admit that we didn't know everything about each other, but we knew plenty."

Instead of using a weak and vague word like 'lots', use some other words to make your sentence sound and flow better.
=
Characterisation: 5/10

I know it's hard in a oneshot, but you NEED to develop your characters. As a shot-writer myself, I recognize the difficulty of making a character grow in such a short time. However, you DO need to explain how the character developed throughout the story, not just how they met and started trusting each other, falling in love. Also, you need to make your character/main characters more dynamic- put more details in than the girl being confusing or hard to read, and make Jinki a more round character than a flat character.
=
Writing Style: 9/10

Everyone has their own writing style, but I enjoyed yours very much- the spacing, paragraphs, and dialogue was easy on the eyes, and your style of the writing itself wasn't bad, not at all.
=
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5

Your fic was way too predictive. It was so easy to tell what was going to happen next- so add more twists and turns! Surprise the reader with something they didn't think would happen! This is something that makes the story creative and original.

=

Sub Total: 57/100

Bonus: 2/5

1. For this line: Though I could fly free, I didn't want to. Not until you could fly with me.
2. For including a Thank You page (interaction with readers)

Total: 59/100

Remember to keep writing and don't give up, no matter what your score on the review is. No matter how good you are, remember that there are always improvements to be made.

One and On by mickeyyyxD

Title: One and On
Author: mickeyyyxD

Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/oneandon/

Reviewer: Pararae

Site: http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/

Note: I think that the title is from the challenge site, am I right? So I have no right to give you the title marks. But I give you other marks for another criterion that I’ve created myself to replace it. Title’s usage means how you interconnect the title to the story and how you use the given title to create a background/setting scene. It is mostly picture how efficient you bind your story line closely to fit the title’s demand.

Title’s usage: 2/5 I can see that you use the title as a phrase in some of the sentences to show continuous action of the characters, but I can’t feel the connection between the title to the plot. It seems that you forced it to link each other up and making it feel awkward in a way. Not that it’s your fault for using the title because it’s a must, but try to manipulate your plot to reach up the goal of the title’s demand. On and on is a very simple, easy and neutral title that you can actually manipulate the plot to whichever you like, but you have to understand that not every main point centered in your plot can fit it up, so watch out on that. I advised you to revise your plot again and write it up casually so it would appear spontaneous and not awkwardly forced.

First Impression: 7/10 you got my attention there. Your poster is great with a suitable color and great opacity with no disturbing outline marked between the pictures. Even though it looked plain but it’s attractive at the same time. I expected your story to be dark, mysterious and twisty. However, the words focused only on TOP’s side, leaving the right side of the picture empty. Even though, I’m not really fascinated with grey but the color really charming with a matching background. I have to say the background is plain and simple but it’s good to see it like that and the words on the background are really catchy.

Forewords: 7/10 the forewords are good and the details are there. I won’t say it’s complete because you forget genre and author notes, but I can say it’s acceptable. Author notes are not really important because it’s just a usual rant or chats, but it shows your communication with the readers. It’s good to say that you are a kind of person who acknowledge their comments and supports instead of reading them and forget about it the next day. I know forewords come before comment but don’t you have anything to say to the future readers? Show some communications and interaction so it would appear colorful and friendly.

There is one part which I like to point out in your story. The summary you gave is good, but it’s confusing. Take this for example:

“Have you ever thought that your lover would go around with girls all the time?”

“Every time I look at him with other girls, it seems like my heart would break apart.”

“Why are you always with other girls? Like they‘re some kind of clothes that are just worn and then thrown away? On and on. ”

“It’s because I love you.”

I don’t get who said which; I thought the first one is Yeon Hee, followed by Seung Hyun, but it bothers me, so I came out with a conclusion that the first 3 dialogues are from Yeon Hee while the last one is from Seung Hyun. My advice is, don’t confuse your readers and try to be specific. If it was from the same person, don’t separate them in different paragraph, but if you think you have to, then make them in the same quotation marks. For instance:

“Have you ever thought that your lover would go around with girls all the time?

Every time I look at him with other girls, it seems like my heart would break apart.

Why are you always with other girls? Like they‘re some kind of clothes that are just worn and then thrown away? On and on. ”

“It’s because I love you.”

It would make more sense this way, but in overall, your forewords are good.

Plot: 7/15 the plot, I have to say, is too fantasy-like because, first, why Yeon Hee does not question Seunghyun’s act of being late? I mean, aren’t girls really particular about being punctual? Second, Yeon Hee didn’t even tell a guy straight off to his face when he acts like a player after one year of being with him. Doesn’t that sound a little illogical? Third, after he left her behind on the street without even saying a single word, she could just accept his proposal without even demanding for any reasonable excuse of his action earlier or tell him off of his brat-like attitude. Which angel could hold that back? Lastly, Seunghyun came up with an idea of proposing to Yeon Hee after his friend told him. Shouldn’t he think about it properly, considering pros and cons of his action before deciding on asking for the girl’s hand?

Seunghyun supposed to be earnest and honest on his decision instead of taking his friend’s without further acknowledgement. It looks as if you’re rushing to end the story, so don’t rush in writing because you might leave this kind of mistake behind. I prefer how you start the story by elaborating on Yeon Hee’s feeling about her relationship with Seunghyun, later explaining on their current status. It shows that the predicament faced by them is the main point and that you want to put the problem at ease. And that’s when the ending comes in, but, I don’t really find the ending quite good because after what have Yeon Hee went through with Seunghyun, she should at least deserve some explanations or maybe you can twist that part out by making her leave Seunghyun before getting back together again with him after he tried his best to make up for what he done. It should extend the time frame and make the story more or less, interesting.

Creativity/Originality: 4/15 the story is too cliché and predictable. I can actually guess what would happen next after reading half of the page and it lacks of creativity. You can always put some unexpected drama or interesting twist in it to make it more fascinating. Try not to stick to the plot too much. I know getting off the track too much would make the story too dragging or boring, but in your case, you really need it because, it start and end too fast. Maybe you should take time to elaborate on some important scenes or manipulate a few fields to repair the lost. Also, the idea of making a girl jealous on purpose is too overused, so try to avoid such scene.

Flow: 6/10 as I say, the plot is too fast. I can’t get the proper time frame of the story as if everything happens in a blink of an eye. The characters development, the scenes, the elaboration is moving at a very fast motion, so maybe you should consider on taking your time in writing and don’t rush off. Try to elaborate on the time passes since they start having a relationship and when it all started getting rocky, it would be preferable if you make a flashback to extent the time span.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10 There is a few mistakes I’ve spotted, now let’s try to take a look at this…

1)      But why does he not show it ?
Why does he always go to others girls ?

(There shouldn’t be any space between the last word and question marks.)

2)      Choi Seung Hyun, my boyfriend. The guy I live for. The guy I love.

(Don’t chop your sentences. Correction: Choi Seung Hyun, my boyfriend, the guy I live for and the guy I love.)

3)      I thought about and decided to go to Seung Hyun’s dorm.

(There’s a missing words here, try to recheck your sentences after you’ve write them.)

4)      He wasn’t that tall nor what he short

(Nor what he short sound wrong. Correction: He wasn’t that tall nor he was short.)

5)      “Don’t worry Nuna!” exclaimed Seung Ri.

(Don’t forget comma after ‘don’t worry’ and ‘exclaimed’ should be in capital letter because it’s the start of a new sentence.)

6)      “I don’t know… you guys want to come with me to get pick out a ring?”

(‘To get pick out the ring?’ sounds utterly wrong. ‘Get’ is unneeded there because you already say ‘pick out’.)

7)      “Sorry, I can’t believe Hyung’s to propose to Nuna. They’re going to live so happy with each other!”

(I take this as mistyped: “Sorry, I can’t believe Hyung’s to propose to Nuna.” Try to revise your sentences and don’t rush. Correction: “Sorry, I can’t believe Hyung going to propose to Nuna. They’re going to live so happy with each other!” OR “Sorry, I can’t believe Hyung want to propose to Nuna. They’re going to live so happy with each other!”)

8)      “You’re welcome! Now, let’s get eating. We don’t the food to be cold, right?”

(Don’t chop your words and there’s a missing word there. Correction: “You’re welcome! Now, let’s get eating, we don’t want the food to be cold, right?”)

I also quite confuse the tense you used, for example:

Choi Seung Hyun, my boyfriend. The guy I live for. The guy I love. How can a man that goes flirting with other girls be so loved by me? It’s three in the afternoon and I’m waiting for Seung Hyun to pick me up. Today was our first year anniversary and I was so happy that we stuck with each other for a year. I look at my watch and notice that he’s already ten minutes late. I look out the window to see his car coming into the driveway. I go downstairs to go get the door but he already came in without saying anything.

“Yeon Hee, I’m so sorry I’m late. I had some business to take care of at home” he said with his hands on my shoulder, “you ready to go?”

I looked at him with angry eyes, “Let’s go.”

You used past tense, then change to present tense, and after a few minutes, you get back to past tense again. Don’t mix it all up and you also tend to repeat the same words again and again, (e.g: in the middle of the street.) try to find other words that have the same meaning as the current on to replace it.

Characterization: 6/10 I get Yeon Hee’s character by your elaboration and some of the information I picked up through out the story. I won’t say it’s complete, but it is acceptable and I can understand her character so far, but you missed Seunghyun. You claimed he is a playboy but you didn’t come out up with a supporting scene or evident that he is one. I just can’t find any proof that he is a player, but I did get by how badly he treats Yeon Hee. I don’t think Seunghyun is a minor, so his characterization is equally important as Yeon Hee, so don’t forget to give some details on him too.

Writing Style: 5/10 I’m not really fond of your writing style; I can say it’s simple, but too choppy. You tend you chop your sentence at a wrong place, leaving your sentences sound awkward with no proper conjunction. Try not to repeat the same point more than twice because it’s too disturbing and try to use a wide range of vocabulary to enhance your writing style and technique. A good hold of English proficiency is needed to become a writer, and I can see that you have a potential, just need some polishing to make it shiny.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5 I’m sorry, but I don’t really enjoy your one shot. It’s too fast, no interesting scenes, cliché plot and overused idea. Try to make a different kind of story for the one shot. I’m quite familiar with the challenge because I reviewed a one shot before for the same challenge too and I know it does not require a specific plot or main story, except for the title. So, as I say, the title is a very simple one that you actually manipulate it into various amounts of plots and story lines, try to sharpen your creativity and don’t hesitate to revise your idea and plot. Take your time to think a story over before writing it, you can actually come out with a lot of plots using your imagination, so don’t forget to use that. All I say is don’t rush and slow down. You have a good amount of capability of writing in you, so, don’t give up and practice more. Good luck!

Sub Total: 46/100

Bonus: 2/5 I give you bonuses because…

1)      You have written great forewords, despite some confusing parts, but you did a great job on that.

2)      For your effort and guts to participate in a challenge.

But you missed 3 points because…

1)      You need to improve on you’re the tense you used, spelling, choppy words and punctuation marks.

2)      Your plot needs a little improvement and you tend to use cliché scenes. The link between the plot and the title also lack of connection.

3)       You didn’t write a proper characterization and your flow is too fast to get.

Total: 58/100