Author : tubbyGENx3
Title : The First and Last One
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/2Shots1/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Yunni @ i-DEAS
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.
Title: 4/5
It is completely understandable why you picked this as your title. Short, sweet, tied up to the story. I would, however, suggest that you have left out the 'one' for it to sound less of a mouthful. Something shorter that would grab readers' attention more.
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First Impression: 8/10
Pretty and golden. The too-yellow font and completely contrasting link color kind of jerked me out of it though.
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Forewords: 7/10
It's great how you wrote your forewords in each of the character's point of views, giving an overall view of what the story is about. You had an idea, took it, and wrote it down. And, of course, credited the poster maker =) Yesh, that is very important.
However, you were missing all the other essentials- background details of the story, any other long author notes, your own thoughts, your cast- it would contribute to make a great foreword(s) if you had put those in. The point of a foreword is to give background of the story to the reader, so make use of it.
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Plot: 10/15
Even though it's somewhat cliched and overused because of cancer, I still think that it's beautiful. What can I say; I love angst =) However, your ending REALLY docked you a couple of points, because you just left the reader hanging at the end of the letter. I finished reading it, and I was thinking, "...That's it?" If all the loose ends tied up, that would have been REALLY neat.
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Creativity/Originality: 11/15
I really liked your ending- that was what really built up your points here. In most fics, the author would simply kill off the person with cancer. However, I really liked the tone you ended it on- she woke up, expecting to watch Nickhun on Inki, and the Alzheimer's got to her. She can't remember anything. That was really neat. The only flaw was that Nickhun appeared at the end, which I found extremely, extremely cheesy.
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Flow: 9/10
I think the only place that got to me was the ending where Nickhun suddenly barged into her house. That was quite confusing- wasn't he performing on Inkigayo? How
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Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
The main parts are to watch out for choppy sentences, dialogue punctuation, dialogue format, and semi-colon/comma usage. Also, try to expand your vocabulary a bit. You're building up your foundation, but don't be afraid to play around with words.
For your choppy sentences, use more transition words such as as, and, but, or, etc. It would make them flow and sound better.
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Dialogue punctuation:
Lately, I've been seeing a lot of fics with these, but here- you punctuated your dialoge incorrectly.
“Even if you don't have any more strength to speak I would still love you”
There should be a period at the end, because it doesn't say that Khun is doing something else. So here- if he was doing something, it would look like this:
“Even if you don't have any more strength to speak I would still love you,” he said.
But he's not doing anything, and so there should be a period at the end.
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Dialogue format:
You're putting all your dialogue in your paragraphs- every time a new person says something, a new paragraph should be started. That goes easy on the eyes and is the correct formatting for it.
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Semi-colon/comma usage:
I'm seeing you use commas in weird places. Just pointing out that a semi-colon is used to separate two thoughts, and a comma is simply to put breaks in the sentence and goes before transitions (not always).
I can hear her breathing against my neck, the smell of her 'Baby Bench' perfume is so attracting.
Try using a semi-colon here instead of a comma; that would make more sense.
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Characterisation: 8/10
Although the story was short, you managed to cover your characters well. I could understand them and their motifs, but try to develop them a little more. Details...you need them.
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Writing Style: 6.5/10
Everyone has a different style =p Not saying anything about your own, but I think that it wouldn't hurt to expand it a little- try throwing in some bigger words, and don't forget the formatting!
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Overall Enjoyment: 2.5/5
I liked how she forgot everything at the end. xD
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Sub Total: 71/100
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Bonus: 2/5
1. For the ending
2. For interacting with your readers.
Total: 73/100
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
6 Best Oppas and Just Mi
Author: azndomination
Title: 6 Best Oppas and Just Mi
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/beastmi/
Status: One-shot
Reviewer: .flavored
Title: 4/5
Interesting title with relevance to the plot. But it’s not something that I myself personally will want to open up and read. But that’s prolly just me. Is eye-catching.
First Impression: 7/10
Sufficient. Not the prettiest poster in the world, but it’s good =D I like the background though.
And... I don’t know why I’m still saying this to about 4 out of 5 stories I’ve reviewed... why is the colour scheme unchanged? It really gives a bad impression... Please do change it.
Forewords: 6/10
Good in the way that it tells us exactly what’s happening. Bad in the sense that it’s very informal... Especially in an article. I’m guessing it would be an internet article, because, frankly, you don’t see articles written like that even in teen magazines. The editor would cry.
Hmm... seems like the picture links aren’t working either XD Seriously, due to the restrictions of this winglin we can’t include pictures, so don’t. Besides, it’d serve no purpose...
Plot: 10/15
There’s not much of a plot frankly. Just the “refreshing” idea of a girl being included into an all boys group – which has probably already been used. It’s, as I see it, a description of the events that take place when a new group in implemented.
There is some drama with Mi Eun and the antis, but I’d figured that it would be more... And it’d be somewhat of a more substantial plot if something happened to Mi Eun and the boys protected her.
As it is, the plot that you have is not really suited for a one-shot.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
Not exactly creative or original, as one can never truly be in winglin unless you’re writing fantasy or crack. I did like the comedic and care-free take on this however, and that might have upped originality points. Also original is the way that nothing too dramatic happened to Mi Eun. But in this case, you sacrificed plot for originality, and it’s not exactly a very good switch.
Flow: 8/10
It’s fine and there was a good flow.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Confusion of present tense and past tense. E.g. “The place was a step up from their old apartments, all nice and clean and interior professionally designed! Is this their first step into ultimate celebrity status?!” It should be: “The place was a step up from their old apartments, all nice and clean and interior professionally designed! Was this their first step into ultimate celebrity status?!
Continuing on that line, it should also be “the ultimate celebrity status”.
Spelling is fine, I think I saw a few minor mistakes here and there.
Vocabulary is limited, though there is no confusion of terms.
Characterisation: 6/10
Too many characters, too little description of them. B2ST/BEAST is too new for someone like me, who doesn’t latch onto every new group that comes in, to know exactly who should behave like what. Although, it’s a one shot, you could have been more descriptive, although it’s good you didn’t dedicate whole solid paragraphs into their descriptions in the articles as you could have easily done. And I do thank you for that.
Writing Style: 5/10
Not to be tactless, but I didn’t exactly like your writing style. It was a little too informal and gave me a headache. This was because the lines sometimes didn’t link with each other, and my brain isn’t cooperating with me, so it’s taking me extra effort to make the links.
An example of what I’m saying is this: Mi Eun put her arms around Dong Woon and Jun Hyung, "A dream come true right guys?! Ahh I'm so excited!" She bit her lip and messed up both of her band mates' hair. She gave out another girly squeal. She was ready to jump up and down on the beautiful light brown wooden flooring. They checked out their rooms, 3 rooms with 2 beds each and one room with a single bed.
It’d be better like this:
Mi Eun threw her arms around Dong Woon and Jun Hyung, messing up both of their hair. “It’s a dream come true, isn’t it guys?! Ah! I’m so excited!”
She squealed in excitement, all ready to jump up and down on the beautiful parquet flooring, as her two band mates rolled their eyes. “Come on, let’s go check out the rooms.” Dong Woon sighed, pulling the overly bouncy girl in.
“Oh cool! There’s three rooms here!” Mi Eun announced as she rushed through the rooms. “Enough beds for everyone! I get dibs on the one with the single bed!”
See? It’s a lot easier to read.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Interesting, enough, but the writing style kinda gave me a headache. Took me more effort to figure out what you were writing.
Sub Total: 66/100
Bonus: 3/5
Sorry this took so long. Winglin died >>|||
Total: 69/100
Title: 6 Best Oppas and Just Mi
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/beastmi/
Status: One-shot
Reviewer: .flavored
Title: 4/5
Interesting title with relevance to the plot. But it’s not something that I myself personally will want to open up and read. But that’s prolly just me. Is eye-catching.
First Impression: 7/10
Sufficient. Not the prettiest poster in the world, but it’s good =D I like the background though.
And... I don’t know why I’m still saying this to about 4 out of 5 stories I’ve reviewed... why is the colour scheme unchanged? It really gives a bad impression... Please do change it.
Forewords: 6/10
Good in the way that it tells us exactly what’s happening. Bad in the sense that it’s very informal... Especially in an article. I’m guessing it would be an internet article, because, frankly, you don’t see articles written like that even in teen magazines. The editor would cry.
Hmm... seems like the picture links aren’t working either XD Seriously, due to the restrictions of this winglin we can’t include pictures, so don’t. Besides, it’d serve no purpose...
Plot: 10/15
There’s not much of a plot frankly. Just the “refreshing” idea of a girl being included into an all boys group – which has probably already been used. It’s, as I see it, a description of the events that take place when a new group in implemented.
There is some drama with Mi Eun and the antis, but I’d figured that it would be more... And it’d be somewhat of a more substantial plot if something happened to Mi Eun and the boys protected her.
As it is, the plot that you have is not really suited for a one-shot.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
Not exactly creative or original, as one can never truly be in winglin unless you’re writing fantasy or crack. I did like the comedic and care-free take on this however, and that might have upped originality points. Also original is the way that nothing too dramatic happened to Mi Eun. But in this case, you sacrificed plot for originality, and it’s not exactly a very good switch.
Flow: 8/10
It’s fine and there was a good flow.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Confusion of present tense and past tense. E.g. “The place was a step up from their old apartments, all nice and clean and interior professionally designed! Is this their first step into ultimate celebrity status?!” It should be: “The place was a step up from their old apartments, all nice and clean and interior professionally designed! Was this their first step into ultimate celebrity status?!
Continuing on that line, it should also be “the ultimate celebrity status”.
Spelling is fine, I think I saw a few minor mistakes here and there.
Vocabulary is limited, though there is no confusion of terms.
Characterisation: 6/10
Too many characters, too little description of them. B2ST/BEAST is too new for someone like me, who doesn’t latch onto every new group that comes in, to know exactly who should behave like what. Although, it’s a one shot, you could have been more descriptive, although it’s good you didn’t dedicate whole solid paragraphs into their descriptions in the articles as you could have easily done. And I do thank you for that.
Writing Style: 5/10
Not to be tactless, but I didn’t exactly like your writing style. It was a little too informal and gave me a headache. This was because the lines sometimes didn’t link with each other, and my brain isn’t cooperating with me, so it’s taking me extra effort to make the links.
An example of what I’m saying is this: Mi Eun put her arms around Dong Woon and Jun Hyung, "A dream come true right guys?! Ahh I'm so excited!" She bit her lip and messed up both of her band mates' hair. She gave out another girly squeal. She was ready to jump up and down on the beautiful light brown wooden flooring. They checked out their rooms, 3 rooms with 2 beds each and one room with a single bed.
It’d be better like this:
Mi Eun threw her arms around Dong Woon and Jun Hyung, messing up both of their hair. “It’s a dream come true, isn’t it guys?! Ah! I’m so excited!”
She squealed in excitement, all ready to jump up and down on the beautiful parquet flooring, as her two band mates rolled their eyes. “Come on, let’s go check out the rooms.” Dong Woon sighed, pulling the overly bouncy girl in.
“Oh cool! There’s three rooms here!” Mi Eun announced as she rushed through the rooms. “Enough beds for everyone! I get dibs on the one with the single bed!”
See? It’s a lot easier to read.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Interesting, enough, but the writing style kinda gave me a headache. Took me more effort to figure out what you were writing.
Sub Total: 66/100
Bonus: 3/5
Sorry this took so long. Winglin died >>|||
Total: 69/100
Thursday, November 12, 2009
One Way Out by Fynrile
Title; One Way Out
Author; Fynrile
Status; On-going
Reviewer; Latienza [Lyselmae Atienza] @ iDeas
http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com
Title: 2/5
I guess I just didn’t see the title in the story. Yes, it did give out hints that concerned the connection between the title and story, but I didn’t think it was. Authors tend to make up the title before writing out the story, but I suggest that you write the story, and then make up a title. If you already do so, I advice that you try to reread your story once or twice to get the main idea and to summarize it in one word or phrase, resulting to your title. The mood that the title created, though, was brilliant. The mood that the poster and background gave the title made it really interesting.
First Impression: 8/10
To be honest, although it was dark and seemed depressing, the mood and colors gave an outstanding impact on me. I believe that the poster and background made the title more alive. The choice of colors in fonts and links were also well done. It didn’t hurt my eyes, although the precision of colors could’ve been better. Nonetheless, it gave me a good impression.
Forewords: 7.5/10
I would’ve given the forewords a 9 if it was only organized and the content was much richer. I believe that giving images was really creative, but because of it, I didn’t focus on the texts that you wrote, instead, I was more entertained by looking at the pictures. Yes, pictures do help, but don’t overdo it or else readers would mainly focus on them. The form of language you used was fine also.
Plot: 9/10
I found your story was interesting, but it was really hard for me to follow at times. I even had to re-read some chapters again just to get back on track. Also, in the beginning, it was a bit boring until the guy kissed Sungmin. I was really straining just to finish the story, until it started getting interesting in the middle areas in the story. Although the beginning isn’t usually the most exciting part, keeping it interesting is still important in order to keep readers.
Creativity/Originality: 8/15
I wasn’t really impressed by this. I’ve read most of the scenes like this before, and it wasn’t really much of a surprise for me. But in some cases, you did manage to add your own creativity; therefore, making me read more. I could tell you were trying your best and because you have such effort, you’ll be able to succeed, concerning this portion.
Flow: 6/10
It was just starting off and Sungmin already started receiving feelings, therefore, rushing the whole story as you went. I believe that this is one of the most important components, so do make sure that it’s not too slow, nor too fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8.5/10
Starting off, I could already see some mistakes in grammar. I don’t think anyone would really make a big deal about your grammar because you manage to pull it off. We understand what you meant, but sometimes, you missed punctuation marks, therefore, making your grammar a bit all over the place. This isn’t really a big problem because it was rare mistakes, but it’s just a heads up. In some parts of the story, you tend to make spelling mistakes that you mistaken words for ones that sound alike.
For example: Heechul walked pasted the group and grabbed Sungmin's hand.
Instead, this should have been: “Heechul walked past the group and grabbed Sungmin’s hand.”
Just make sure to proof read in order to prevent mistakes like these. Moving on, your vocabulary was tremendous. I envy your precision of language. Make sure that next time, try to not make your language too complex that you lose the readers. This is what happened to me. I got lost because of the complex language. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m still a reader, right?
Characterization: 6/10
Concerning your characterization, you’ve got a lot to improve. For me, there were too many characters. I was also getting a bit confused on who was who because of sudden changes in the character’s personalities. They were too sudden, that it made me lose the main idea of the story. I believe that you could’ve portrayed the character’s personalities much better because, like I said, they change from one quality to another quality way too fast.
Writing Style: 8/10
Your style in writing was satisfactory. Just make sure not to transition harshly. Don’t make sudden transitions, confusing the readers. Keep up the effort.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I wouldn’t say I was a big fan of this fanfic. I just didn’t manage to captivate the feeling that you intended the reader to receive. I expected more. I’m not really big on Yaoi fanfictions, in fact, this is the first Yaoi fic that I’ve read so I really didn’t know what to expect... maybe this is why I wasn’t too big on this fic, but don’t get discouraged, I was inspired by some of your scenes, and hope that you continue your will in writing.
Subtotal: 65/100
Bonus: 4/5
I think you’re one of the most inspired writers out there. Keep up the good work.
Total: 69/100
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sweet Surrender by Karin
Title: Sweet Surrender
Author: Karin
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/Orphey
Reviewed by: Andi @ i-DEAS
Title: 5/5
I really liked the title! Since I am such a nerd, it was because it was like an oxymoron. Kind of like saying “sweet agony,” or something along those lines. Surrender, as far as I’m concerned, is not sweet. So I don’t know if you were aiming at the oxymoron thing, but that is what caught my eye.
First Impression: 9/10
Literally: I screamed when I saw Aoi on the poster. I was reading your fic at school, and my teacher thought a killer was in the computer lab, so she freaked. But I hardly ever see any fanfics concerning ANY J-ROCKERS! OMG, I love the GazettE! They so freaking rock. Your poster wasn’t overcrowded, and I liked how the central character of the story—Hikari—was in the center of the poster. The designer did an awesome job.
Forewords: 6/10
Please, just please do not ever sum up your story. Unless it’s in a chapter, catching people up in case they may have forgotten some key points, do not do it. Instead of a summary, give a little preview or list who’s who. Summaries, in my opinion, are pointless. Who wants a summary of a story they want to read? Summaries are for people who haven’t done their summer reading and need to get it done quickly.
Plot: 12/15
Eh, I’ve read a lot of stories where the friend from back in the day comes back, and the two characters fall in love. It was enjoyable, nonetheless.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
As I said above, there are a lot of stories out there like yours. However, there are not a lot of stories out there involving the greatest j-rock band in the world, so you got my respect on that. I think it’s hard to write about them because they like to keep their lives so hidden and private, whereas the k-poppers are constantly having secrets revealed and whatnot. Good job on that!
Flow: 9/10
Flow was near perfect. Not too fast, and not too slow.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/10
No one, I repeat, NO ONE in the history and future of the world will ever have an error-free story. The only author that’s come close is J.K Rowling, and she probably has half of England editing her books. I didn’t find too many mistakes, but there were some common typing errors that everyone and their grandma makes. Just keep doing what you’re doing and watch your spelling and grammar.
Characterization: 9/10
Since I am Uruha-biased, you didn’t delve too much into his background or any of the other minor characters’ backgrounds. But, everyone else was perfect. I loved Kai in this story. Usually I just think of him as the “adorkable” drummer, but here he seemed like…well, the perfect lover. :)
Writing Style: 7/10
You confused me on some things. Mention when the viewpoint is going to change, because when you changed to Aoi, I was like, “Whoa, wait. What’s going on?” Just a little reminder at the top of the chapter will do.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Ya hooked me. That’s all I got to say. ^^
Sub Total: 84/100
Bonus: 5/5
GAZEDORKS FTW!!!
Total: 89/100
Author: Karin
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/Orphey
Reviewed by: Andi @ i-DEAS
Title: 5/5
I really liked the title! Since I am such a nerd, it was because it was like an oxymoron. Kind of like saying “sweet agony,” or something along those lines. Surrender, as far as I’m concerned, is not sweet. So I don’t know if you were aiming at the oxymoron thing, but that is what caught my eye.
First Impression: 9/10
Literally: I screamed when I saw Aoi on the poster. I was reading your fic at school, and my teacher thought a killer was in the computer lab, so she freaked. But I hardly ever see any fanfics concerning ANY J-ROCKERS! OMG, I love the GazettE! They so freaking rock. Your poster wasn’t overcrowded, and I liked how the central character of the story—Hikari—was in the center of the poster. The designer did an awesome job.
Forewords: 6/10
Please, just please do not ever sum up your story. Unless it’s in a chapter, catching people up in case they may have forgotten some key points, do not do it. Instead of a summary, give a little preview or list who’s who. Summaries, in my opinion, are pointless. Who wants a summary of a story they want to read? Summaries are for people who haven’t done their summer reading and need to get it done quickly.
Plot: 12/15
Eh, I’ve read a lot of stories where the friend from back in the day comes back, and the two characters fall in love. It was enjoyable, nonetheless.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
As I said above, there are a lot of stories out there like yours. However, there are not a lot of stories out there involving the greatest j-rock band in the world, so you got my respect on that. I think it’s hard to write about them because they like to keep their lives so hidden and private, whereas the k-poppers are constantly having secrets revealed and whatnot. Good job on that!
Flow: 9/10
Flow was near perfect. Not too fast, and not too slow.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/10
No one, I repeat, NO ONE in the history and future of the world will ever have an error-free story. The only author that’s come close is J.K Rowling, and she probably has half of England editing her books. I didn’t find too many mistakes, but there were some common typing errors that everyone and their grandma makes. Just keep doing what you’re doing and watch your spelling and grammar.
Characterization: 9/10
Since I am Uruha-biased, you didn’t delve too much into his background or any of the other minor characters’ backgrounds. But, everyone else was perfect. I loved Kai in this story. Usually I just think of him as the “adorkable” drummer, but here he seemed like…well, the perfect lover. :)
Writing Style: 7/10
You confused me on some things. Mention when the viewpoint is going to change, because when you changed to Aoi, I was like, “Whoa, wait. What’s going on?” Just a little reminder at the top of the chapter will do.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Ya hooked me. That’s all I got to say. ^^
Sub Total: 84/100
Bonus: 5/5
GAZEDORKS FTW!!!
Total: 89/100
Monday, November 9, 2009
When Death Spoke to Her by The Unfaithful One
Title: When Death Spoke to Her
Author: The Unfaithful One
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/chair/
Reviewed by: Andi @ i-DEAS
Title: 4/5
The words seriously caught my attention! I glanced at it, and was like, “Whoa. Death. Speaking to someone. Either they’re crazy, or it’s some weird metaphor. I have to read this story.”
First Impression: 8/10
The poster wasn’t the best art in the world, but everyone’s going to have a different opinion on that. The background’s a plain black, so I thought this was going to be a dark and depressing story, but it was just depressing. It set the mood, but the poster could have been a little more…eye-catching, if you get me.
Forewords: 7/10
Normally, I like relatively simple forewords (too much isn’t always the best), but you neglected to speak about the characters. I wanted to know who they were, where they had come from, what their personalities were like, etc. I understand if you didn’t want to give out too much in fear of giving away the plot, but just take it into consideration for your next story.
Plot: 14/15
It was a little complex, and I liked it! I’ve never read anything like it.
Creativity/Originality: 15/15
See above. According to the numbers you get a 15, but in my book, you get a bajillion stars! Go creative writing!
Flow: 8/10
The flow was moderate: not too fast and not too slow. There were some parts where I was confused as to the time jumping, but that’s all right.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I found nothing but common mistakes that everyone and their grandma makes. Good job!
Characterization: 6/10
As I said before, you didn’t delve into the characters as much as you should have. We got to know the main character and the nurse that tried to help her, and that’s about it. I wanted to know more about “Death” and what he was like, other than he loved his wife a lot. You did, however, make me look up the members of S.H.E and this guy named Chun. I had no clue who they were, and seeing as how I thought Chun was Micky Yoochun from DBSK…yeah, thank you for introducing new singers and stars to me!
Writing Style: 9/10
I’m thankful that you didn’t pull the “no paragraphs” stunt a lot of other writers pull. That’s a serious pet peeve of mine. The Enter button is everyone’s friend, after all. So again, thank you!
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
One, two, three…LOOOOOOOOVED IT!
Sub Total: 85/100
Bonus: 3/5
Good luck with any future stories!
Total: 88/100
Author: The Unfaithful One
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/chair/
Reviewed by: Andi @ i-DEAS
Title: 4/5
The words seriously caught my attention! I glanced at it, and was like, “Whoa. Death. Speaking to someone. Either they’re crazy, or it’s some weird metaphor. I have to read this story.”
First Impression: 8/10
The poster wasn’t the best art in the world, but everyone’s going to have a different opinion on that. The background’s a plain black, so I thought this was going to be a dark and depressing story, but it was just depressing. It set the mood, but the poster could have been a little more…eye-catching, if you get me.
Forewords: 7/10
Normally, I like relatively simple forewords (too much isn’t always the best), but you neglected to speak about the characters. I wanted to know who they were, where they had come from, what their personalities were like, etc. I understand if you didn’t want to give out too much in fear of giving away the plot, but just take it into consideration for your next story.
Plot: 14/15
It was a little complex, and I liked it! I’ve never read anything like it.
Creativity/Originality: 15/15
See above. According to the numbers you get a 15, but in my book, you get a bajillion stars! Go creative writing!
Flow: 8/10
The flow was moderate: not too fast and not too slow. There were some parts where I was confused as to the time jumping, but that’s all right.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I found nothing but common mistakes that everyone and their grandma makes. Good job!
Characterization: 6/10
As I said before, you didn’t delve into the characters as much as you should have. We got to know the main character and the nurse that tried to help her, and that’s about it. I wanted to know more about “Death” and what he was like, other than he loved his wife a lot. You did, however, make me look up the members of S.H.E and this guy named Chun. I had no clue who they were, and seeing as how I thought Chun was Micky Yoochun from DBSK…yeah, thank you for introducing new singers and stars to me!
Writing Style: 9/10
I’m thankful that you didn’t pull the “no paragraphs” stunt a lot of other writers pull. That’s a serious pet peeve of mine. The Enter button is everyone’s friend, after all. So again, thank you!
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
One, two, three…LOOOOOOOOVED IT!
Sub Total: 85/100
Bonus: 3/5
Good luck with any future stories!
Total: 88/100
Supernova by GD-Babyism
Author : GD-Babyism
Title : Supernova
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/gdbabyish/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Yunni @ i-DEAS
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.
Title: 3/5
You tied up the title in the story, but you don't make a pointer to why it's called that. Maybe it's just me; I don't get why.
=
First Impression: 10/10
The poster and color scheme ran well together and also fitted the title. Great.
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Forewords: 6/10
I like how you started off your forewords with the definition of 'supernova'; this proves that that the title was not chosen out of thin air. Also, your forewords hinted at your story, which was great. I also liked your wording in it, it attracts readers to come back for more.
However, your forewords were missing the basic information of your shot- that would have been better if you included those. It's your shot, but in my view, I think those help enhance the story itself.
=
Plot: 14/15
That. Was. Beautiful. I don't normally read 2PM stories (too lazy =p), but I know that some of them feature Park Jay. This was the first, and it's going to leave a lasting impression because of how you wrote it. Instead of writing about some love story or some girl Jay had to leave behind in Korea, you wrote about him leaving his best friend. Sad, but beautiful. I find these better to read that cliched love stories.
=
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
Your mark in this area was affected mainly by the overrated cancer, but you managed to shape that into your very own plot. I really liked the details you included in there, like Myung Hee's birthday parties, and how Jay was in charge of everything about her (that was really sweet!). This is what makes a story original. =)
=
Flow: 10/10
Although the shot covered a somewhat large span of time, I think you managed to control well and not skip places. The entire story flowed so well you had no need for breaks to signal time change.
=
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
I think you had great vocabulary throughout, and I don't think I spotted any major grammar mistakes. However, there were mistakes with your mechanics in dialogue and some other places, as well as formatting.
-
Dialogue:
You never put periods in your sentences after you character says something. Nor were there commas-
“Ten years from now,” I said, “I’d like to be Myung Hee’s best friend”
Although your comma was placed correctly, you NEVER put any periods the sentence after, when you ended what the character said. Always put periods after they've finished with a certain action.
-
Mechanics:
Comma usage was the most important thing in here.
In the plane, I sent him a message saying thanks for everything, I sent a letter to fans and most importantly, to my best friend.
The comma after everything shouldn't be there. It connects the two together, but it is a grammatically wrong run-on sentence. So instead, put a period and play around with your words. It could sound something like-
On the plane, I sent him a message saying thanks for everything. I also sent a letter to my fans, but most importantly, to my best friend.
Also, here:
So I sent this, “I’m sorry”
When you put the comma there, don't use 'this', because it makes everything sound awkward. you could have put a dash there, but a comma slows everything down, and makes the sentence sound really awkward. Don't forget the period at the end!
-
Formatting:
Whenever someone new says something, you always start another paragraph.
“Mr. Kim?” I ask. “What do you think I should do?” The good thing about a teacher who knew you for more than a quarter of your life was that he doesn’t pretend to not know what you’re talking about.
“I think its best if you ask her what she wants, instead of letting other people decide” he replied. I sigh, fiddling with my hands.
“Great. I don’t even know who she is anymore. She’s so cheerful at the thought of dying. Hell, I don’t even know who I am too.”
=
Characterisation: 9/10
It's hard to develop characters in such a short span of time, but I think that you handled that perfectly well. The story told of Myung Hee and Jay's younger days, and in doing the way you did it, you showed the development of your characters very, very well. Also, I like the way you put your characters into context and how you wrote them; it fitted the story perfectly.
=
Writing Style: 8/10
Everyone has a different writing style, but I like yours- your paragraphs weren't too long, but when they were, they weren't filled with unnecessary detail. However, remember the formatting!
=
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
I particularly liked how you ended the story by Jay leaving instead of Myung Hee dying and leaving the readers to think about what happens to her after wards. Also, I liked your diction in here.
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Sub Total: 83/100
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Bonus: 2/5
1. For real sweet lines throughout the story and the meaning behind.
2. For including a Thank You page (interaction with readers)
Total: 85/100
Title : Supernova
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/gdbabyish/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Yunni @ i-DEAS
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.
Title: 3/5
You tied up the title in the story, but you don't make a pointer to why it's called that. Maybe it's just me; I don't get why.
=
First Impression: 10/10
The poster and color scheme ran well together and also fitted the title. Great.
=
Forewords: 6/10
I like how you started off your forewords with the definition of 'supernova'; this proves that that the title was not chosen out of thin air. Also, your forewords hinted at your story, which was great. I also liked your wording in it, it attracts readers to come back for more.
However, your forewords were missing the basic information of your shot- that would have been better if you included those. It's your shot, but in my view, I think those help enhance the story itself.
=
Plot: 14/15
That. Was. Beautiful. I don't normally read 2PM stories (too lazy =p), but I know that some of them feature Park Jay. This was the first, and it's going to leave a lasting impression because of how you wrote it. Instead of writing about some love story or some girl Jay had to leave behind in Korea, you wrote about him leaving his best friend. Sad, but beautiful. I find these better to read that cliched love stories.
=
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
Your mark in this area was affected mainly by the overrated cancer, but you managed to shape that into your very own plot. I really liked the details you included in there, like Myung Hee's birthday parties, and how Jay was in charge of everything about her (that was really sweet!). This is what makes a story original. =)
=
Flow: 10/10
Although the shot covered a somewhat large span of time, I think you managed to control well and not skip places. The entire story flowed so well you had no need for breaks to signal time change.
=
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
I think you had great vocabulary throughout, and I don't think I spotted any major grammar mistakes. However, there were mistakes with your mechanics in dialogue and some other places, as well as formatting.
-
Dialogue:
You never put periods in your sentences after you character says something. Nor were there commas-
“Ten years from now,” I said, “I’d like to be Myung Hee’s best friend”
Although your comma was placed correctly, you NEVER put any periods the sentence after, when you ended what the character said. Always put periods after they've finished with a certain action.
-
Mechanics:
Comma usage was the most important thing in here.
In the plane, I sent him a message saying thanks for everything, I sent a letter to fans and most importantly, to my best friend.
The comma after everything shouldn't be there. It connects the two together, but it is a grammatically wrong run-on sentence. So instead, put a period and play around with your words. It could sound something like-
On the plane, I sent him a message saying thanks for everything. I also sent a letter to my fans, but most importantly, to my best friend.
Also, here:
So I sent this, “I’m sorry”
When you put the comma there, don't use 'this', because it makes everything sound awkward. you could have put a dash there, but a comma slows everything down, and makes the sentence sound really awkward. Don't forget the period at the end!
-
Formatting:
Whenever someone new says something, you always start another paragraph.
“Mr. Kim?” I ask. “What do you think I should do?” The good thing about a teacher who knew you for more than a quarter of your life was that he doesn’t pretend to not know what you’re talking about.
“I think its best if you ask her what she wants, instead of letting other people decide” he replied. I sigh, fiddling with my hands.
“Great. I don’t even know who she is anymore. She’s so cheerful at the thought of dying. Hell, I don’t even know who I am too.”
=
Characterisation: 9/10
It's hard to develop characters in such a short span of time, but I think that you handled that perfectly well. The story told of Myung Hee and Jay's younger days, and in doing the way you did it, you showed the development of your characters very, very well. Also, I like the way you put your characters into context and how you wrote them; it fitted the story perfectly.
=
Writing Style: 8/10
Everyone has a different writing style, but I like yours- your paragraphs weren't too long, but when they were, they weren't filled with unnecessary detail. However, remember the formatting!
=
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
I particularly liked how you ended the story by Jay leaving instead of Myung Hee dying and leaving the readers to think about what happens to her after wards. Also, I liked your diction in here.
=
Sub Total: 83/100
=
Bonus: 2/5
1. For real sweet lines throughout the story and the meaning behind.
2. For including a Thank You page (interaction with readers)
Total: 85/100
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
[R] o m a n t i c H e i g h t s – SM H.S [R] by C andy . C anes
Author: C andy . C anes
Title: [R] o m a n t i c H e i g h t s – SM H.S [R]
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/c_cstorylines2/
Reviewer: TongTong
Title: 5/5
The title design is creative, definitely eye-catching in the winglin index
First Impression: 6/10
You should try to get a poster soon, because it will cater in more readers for you. As cruel as it sounds, most people might quickly click back to the main index page when they don’t see a poster. Otherwise, I think your choice of colour is great—royal blue totally speaks out the mood of your story.
Forewords: 9/10
I love the forward! You got a great reader hook. However, it really reminds me of Gossip Girl. Did you watch that show before? Because for some reasons, I feel your plot and writing are gonna be heavily influenced by that show. Anyways, one point is deducted because I can’t really differentiate the characters from each of the one-line dialogues. You’re basically telling me who are the cast and that’s it, mind as well just list out their names without the dialogues.
Plot: 12/15
The first few chapters are good, but after that, I feel your plot is really picking it up slow. I guess that’s inevitable because you have some many characters in your story—it seems like you want to put every character around the same level in terms of story development.
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
Although it’s a high school theme, you have made a twist to it when you focus on the social hierarchy of high school. I know some other writers have attempted to do the same, but you do it more tastefully and more entertaining with an adequate amount of realism.
Flow: 7/10
Overall, the flow is quite decent from one chapter to the next. However, within each chapter itself, I feel quite a bit of rush at times due so many characters, yet quite slow at times when the descriptions become excessive that could end up causing confusions for readers.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/10
I have nothing to complain about your spelling/grammar/vocabulary. If there are any mistakes, they’re pretty minors.
Characterisation: 7/10
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I know you’re really trying to differentiate the characters…I know it’s gonna sound cruel, but you need to try harder, especially since you have a huge cast list.
Writing Style: 9/10
Some wordiness in your paragraphs…I think it’s best to keep the writing simple and clear at times. Sometimes, I feel you are explaining one thing at too many angles, inevitably could affect the flow of the story. Another thing about your writing is that you need to work on your ending hooks (or cliff-hangers); your chapters seem too perfect and too complete…sometimes imperfection is the most intriguing ingredient in a story. Otherwise, your writing is very descriptive.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
It’s an interesting read, though reminds me of Gossip Girl at times.
Sub Total: 82/100
Overall, I think you have a great command of English, but there things you still need to work on such as the flow and characterization. As well, you need to cut down on descriptions at times to avoid clouding or boring the readers: Keep it simple. Suggestion: just pretend you’re the cameraman and what you want to the readers to see, nothing more, nothing less. Also, you need to work on cliff-hangers, and if possible, make your chapters shorter so that your readers won’t be too tired out to write you comments after they read each chapter. Lastly, a poster of some sort would certainly help to boost your readership. Best of luck in your writing career!
Bonus: 5/5
Total: 87/100
Pair of Hands - A Recurring Dream by brightside
Author: brightside
Title: Pair of Hands – A Recurring Dream
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/pairofhands/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: .flavored
Note: Before I start, I just want to say that I’m going to go harder on you because I feel that you have a lot of promise. Don’t be discouraged by the marks, I just want to help. You already have two ego-boosting reviews, and another won’t help you much. Just know that when the marks I gave are high, they really are, so good job for those high marks.
Title: 4/5
It’s a good title. Fresh and original, though not exactly eye-catching. But it fits the story well.
First Impression: 6/10
The poster and background struck me as a tad amateurish, but that’s okay. =D The fonts, colours and position of words on the poster could be improved to make them more striking.
I didn’t like your colour scheme though. Although the yellow was easy to read, it was a little too bright and striking. Using red was equally jarring. With an already complicated background, plain white would have worked much better. Besides, this story is rather tranquil and artistic – yellow and red aren’t really suitable for that, being cheery and happy colours.
Forewords: 5/10
One other review said this right? The forewords doesn’t tell the reader much. In fact, it’d be better if you put the first part of Chapter 1 as the forewords. And then in Chapter 1, you start with something like “Dia woke with a start.” Or something.
That way, it connects the story much faster to the title, and tells the genre, and the mood as well. Because that’s essentially what a foreword is supposed to do.
Plot: 13/15
No plot holes. Technically sound. It’s not half bad, and the recurring dream added a dreamy (pun totally intended) aspect to the fic.
I liked the random knowledge about psychology. Nice work, doing research. Two thumbs up!
I also realized it has a very shoujo manga aspect to it. Maybe that’s why I don’t mind this story so much. (Has fear of winglin romance fanfics) XD
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
One can never be truly original in romance since it is a genre that is overused, especially in winglin. I’ve said that in another review. But as long as the story is fine and sound or even better, exceptional, no on really will care. And frankly, you don’t need them in the plot that much (just a bit of freshness of an idea would do).
This plot where the dream reflects real life, although interesting, is (I’m almost sure) not a very original idea. But the way this fic was written, combined with the way the story flowed, made it good enough to read despite not being creative or original.
Flow: 8/10
It’s fine and there was a good flow. My only grouse is that towards the end, the chapters got shorter and shorter.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
I’ll say the good things first. Spelling is almost impeccable, and the vocabulary is considered rather exceptional in winglin, but there are still some wrong words used.
Now, we come to the bad part – the grammar. It’s jarringly inconsistent. I can tell you were going to write in present tense all the way, but at a lot of parts, you changed to past tense, or present perfect, or past perfect when it wasn’t supposed to be. And later on, it switched to more past tense.
What do you want to do? Please pick one tense and stick with it!
I’d suggest writing in past tense. Writing in present tense is the HARDEST thing in the world. You have to have an impeccable sense of grammar! It’d also help if you had a beta-reader, especially if you are attempting to write in present tense.
Just an example of where you went wrong:
“Those pair of hands again. The recurring dream. It occupies her mind the whole morning. That recurring dream appears more frequent. It doesn’t bother her but it puzzles her. There is dirt on the hands. She was thinking what kind of dirt is it. It looks like grease. But she wouldn’t know. Because it doesn’t pass through her hands. She lifts her hands to have a clearer view of it. There’s nothing particular about it. Nothing special, she thought. And again she remembered she’s sounding like her brother.” (Chapter 4)
Correction (past tense):
‘Those pair of hands again. The recurring dream. It occupied her mind the whole morning. That recurring dream appeared more frequently now. It didn’t bother her but it did puzzle/puzzled her. There was dirt on the hands. She wondered what kind of dirt it was. It looked like grease. But she wouldn’t know, because it didn’t pass to her hands. She lifted her hands to have a clearer view of them. There was nothing particular about them. Nothing special, she thought. And again, she realized she sounded like her brother.’
Correction (present tense):
‘Those pair of hands again. The recurring dream. It occupies her mind the whole morning. That recurring dream is appearing more frequently now. It doesn’t but her but I puzzles her. There was dirt on the hands. She wonders what kind of dirt it was. It looked like grease. But she wouldn’t know, because it doesn’t pass to her hands. She lifts her hands to have a clearer view of them. There is nothing particular about them. Nothing special, she thinks. And again, she realizes she sounds like her brother.’
Do you see the parts where you jumped tenses? It’s very disconcerting for the reader, and tends to interrupt the flow of the story, spoiling the reader’s enjoyment of the fic.
Please try to improve on this. (Note: There are some other changes inside other than tense change. Mostly wrong word usage. Another thing to improve.)
There are also some small but funny mistakes. E.g. also in Chapter 4: ‘The boy ignored her. He picked up the fallen materials. Dia tried to help him. He didn’t mind her. It was like there was no Dia existing in front of her.’
Somehow, the boy became a girl. Lol. =D
Characterisation: 9/10
Very good. I like how you used seemingly unimportant background knowledge to contribute to the character building. Like when you described the three experiments, showing how Dia was quite the average girl who didn’t like to stand out to much. I’d like you to thank you for this – I haven’t seen this sort of thing in Winglin for a long, long time outside my circle of friends. Thank you.
One point down because there’s always room for improvement. =D
Writing Style: 5/10
It’s better than most in winglin. In fact, if I were to compare it to a vast majority of winglin fics, I’d say you’re quite high on the chart. But since I’m trying to help you improve, I’ll give you concrit instead.
The main problem with your writing style is that it is mostly made up of short sentences. This in its own is fine, even good in some places. But too much of one thing is never good – and in this case, it proves through. The overload of short sentences makes the story very jumpy and disconnected. It’s hard for the reader to get a flow and read smoothly.
Here’s a good example of where you used shorter sentences the right way:
‘They walked home together. Crossing streets. Passing by people, some they knew, some they don’t. Dexzel was a bit surprised that Dia wasn’t uncomfortable having stains on her knee-long cream dress. The paint spills are black and people would sometimes look at her with asking eyes. It didn’t bother Dia. She never noticed it anyway.’
Now, here’s a bad example:
‘Puzzled. She was now dreaming about it every night. Not only every night, but each time she sleep or takes nap. She didn’t know why. She opened the window. The air was cool and she leaned her head on her hands. As soon as she heard footsteps outside her door, she knew it was mama. She opened the door and went straight to the kitchen where her mother was.’
In the case above, it would have been better if you were more eloquent, especially since it entails a thought process of one who is thinking. Unless the person is panicking or perhaps, stoned, or retarded, do not use short sentences to describe a thought process.
Here’s a suggested edit for the above:
‘She was puzzled. That dream – she dreamt it every time closed her eyes for rest, be it sleep or nap. She didn’t know why it was so, and the stuffy atmosphere in the room didn’t help in her pondering over it. She opened up the window.
The air was cool and it calmed her mind, luring it into working smoothly again. Tired, she rubbed her hands into her hair, making it puff up into an odd shape before smoothing down again.
Suddenly, there were footsteps outside her door. She sighed, knowing who it was. Opening the door softly, she padded towards the kitchen where the familiar silhouette was pacing. A comforting silhouette it was – that of her mother’s.’
(Note: The above is in past tense)
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I would have given higher since I did quite enjoy it. But there were a few things that spoiled it. One, the constant switching of tenses, which disrupted the flow of the story. Two, the short sentences, which at times were distracting and caused me to go backwards to double-check meanings instead of easing my reading journey. Three, the small, careless mistakes which jump up and make me go “huh?”. It’s funny at times, but at other confounding.
Sub Total: 67/100
Bonus: 5/5
I’ll give you full bonus marks because, firstly, I think you’ve been waiting a bit for this review? Secondly, because I’m not the reviewer you requested for – she left the reviewing circle, unfortunately before completing this review. And thirdly, for being someone with promise. =D
Total: 72/100
Well congrats =D I think you’ve gotten the highest mark I’ve given so far. =D But remember that you still have a way to go.
Title: Pair of Hands – A Recurring Dream
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/pairofhands/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: .flavored
Note: Before I start, I just want to say that I’m going to go harder on you because I feel that you have a lot of promise. Don’t be discouraged by the marks, I just want to help. You already have two ego-boosting reviews, and another won’t help you much. Just know that when the marks I gave are high, they really are, so good job for those high marks.
Title: 4/5
It’s a good title. Fresh and original, though not exactly eye-catching. But it fits the story well.
First Impression: 6/10
The poster and background struck me as a tad amateurish, but that’s okay. =D The fonts, colours and position of words on the poster could be improved to make them more striking.
I didn’t like your colour scheme though. Although the yellow was easy to read, it was a little too bright and striking. Using red was equally jarring. With an already complicated background, plain white would have worked much better. Besides, this story is rather tranquil and artistic – yellow and red aren’t really suitable for that, being cheery and happy colours.
Forewords: 5/10
One other review said this right? The forewords doesn’t tell the reader much. In fact, it’d be better if you put the first part of Chapter 1 as the forewords. And then in Chapter 1, you start with something like “Dia woke with a start.” Or something.
That way, it connects the story much faster to the title, and tells the genre, and the mood as well. Because that’s essentially what a foreword is supposed to do.
Plot: 13/15
No plot holes. Technically sound. It’s not half bad, and the recurring dream added a dreamy (pun totally intended) aspect to the fic.
I liked the random knowledge about psychology. Nice work, doing research. Two thumbs up!
I also realized it has a very shoujo manga aspect to it. Maybe that’s why I don’t mind this story so much. (Has fear of winglin romance fanfics) XD
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
One can never be truly original in romance since it is a genre that is overused, especially in winglin. I’ve said that in another review. But as long as the story is fine and sound or even better, exceptional, no on really will care. And frankly, you don’t need them in the plot that much (just a bit of freshness of an idea would do).
This plot where the dream reflects real life, although interesting, is (I’m almost sure) not a very original idea. But the way this fic was written, combined with the way the story flowed, made it good enough to read despite not being creative or original.
Flow: 8/10
It’s fine and there was a good flow. My only grouse is that towards the end, the chapters got shorter and shorter.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
I’ll say the good things first. Spelling is almost impeccable, and the vocabulary is considered rather exceptional in winglin, but there are still some wrong words used.
Now, we come to the bad part – the grammar. It’s jarringly inconsistent. I can tell you were going to write in present tense all the way, but at a lot of parts, you changed to past tense, or present perfect, or past perfect when it wasn’t supposed to be. And later on, it switched to more past tense.
What do you want to do? Please pick one tense and stick with it!
I’d suggest writing in past tense. Writing in present tense is the HARDEST thing in the world. You have to have an impeccable sense of grammar! It’d also help if you had a beta-reader, especially if you are attempting to write in present tense.
Just an example of where you went wrong:
“Those pair of hands again. The recurring dream. It occupies her mind the whole morning. That recurring dream appears more frequent. It doesn’t bother her but it puzzles her. There is dirt on the hands. She was thinking what kind of dirt is it. It looks like grease. But she wouldn’t know. Because it doesn’t pass through her hands. She lifts her hands to have a clearer view of it. There’s nothing particular about it. Nothing special, she thought. And again she remembered she’s sounding like her brother.” (Chapter 4)
Correction (past tense):
‘Those pair of hands again. The recurring dream. It occupied her mind the whole morning. That recurring dream appeared more frequently now. It didn’t bother her but it did puzzle/puzzled her. There was dirt on the hands. She wondered what kind of dirt it was. It looked like grease. But she wouldn’t know, because it didn’t pass to her hands. She lifted her hands to have a clearer view of them. There was nothing particular about them. Nothing special, she thought. And again, she realized she sounded like her brother.’
Correction (present tense):
‘Those pair of hands again. The recurring dream. It occupies her mind the whole morning. That recurring dream is appearing more frequently now. It doesn’t but her but I puzzles her. There was dirt on the hands. She wonders what kind of dirt it was. It looked like grease. But she wouldn’t know, because it doesn’t pass to her hands. She lifts her hands to have a clearer view of them. There is nothing particular about them. Nothing special, she thinks. And again, she realizes she sounds like her brother.’
Do you see the parts where you jumped tenses? It’s very disconcerting for the reader, and tends to interrupt the flow of the story, spoiling the reader’s enjoyment of the fic.
Please try to improve on this. (Note: There are some other changes inside other than tense change. Mostly wrong word usage. Another thing to improve.)
There are also some small but funny mistakes. E.g. also in Chapter 4: ‘The boy ignored her. He picked up the fallen materials. Dia tried to help him. He didn’t mind her. It was like there was no Dia existing in front of her.’
Somehow, the boy became a girl. Lol. =D
Characterisation: 9/10
Very good. I like how you used seemingly unimportant background knowledge to contribute to the character building. Like when you described the three experiments, showing how Dia was quite the average girl who didn’t like to stand out to much. I’d like you to thank you for this – I haven’t seen this sort of thing in Winglin for a long, long time outside my circle of friends. Thank you.
One point down because there’s always room for improvement. =D
Writing Style: 5/10
It’s better than most in winglin. In fact, if I were to compare it to a vast majority of winglin fics, I’d say you’re quite high on the chart. But since I’m trying to help you improve, I’ll give you concrit instead.
The main problem with your writing style is that it is mostly made up of short sentences. This in its own is fine, even good in some places. But too much of one thing is never good – and in this case, it proves through. The overload of short sentences makes the story very jumpy and disconnected. It’s hard for the reader to get a flow and read smoothly.
Here’s a good example of where you used shorter sentences the right way:
‘They walked home together. Crossing streets. Passing by people, some they knew, some they don’t. Dexzel was a bit surprised that Dia wasn’t uncomfortable having stains on her knee-long cream dress. The paint spills are black and people would sometimes look at her with asking eyes. It didn’t bother Dia. She never noticed it anyway.’
Now, here’s a bad example:
‘Puzzled. She was now dreaming about it every night. Not only every night, but each time she sleep or takes nap. She didn’t know why. She opened the window. The air was cool and she leaned her head on her hands. As soon as she heard footsteps outside her door, she knew it was mama. She opened the door and went straight to the kitchen where her mother was.’
In the case above, it would have been better if you were more eloquent, especially since it entails a thought process of one who is thinking. Unless the person is panicking or perhaps, stoned, or retarded, do not use short sentences to describe a thought process.
Here’s a suggested edit for the above:
‘She was puzzled. That dream – she dreamt it every time closed her eyes for rest, be it sleep or nap. She didn’t know why it was so, and the stuffy atmosphere in the room didn’t help in her pondering over it. She opened up the window.
The air was cool and it calmed her mind, luring it into working smoothly again. Tired, she rubbed her hands into her hair, making it puff up into an odd shape before smoothing down again.
Suddenly, there were footsteps outside her door. She sighed, knowing who it was. Opening the door softly, she padded towards the kitchen where the familiar silhouette was pacing. A comforting silhouette it was – that of her mother’s.’
(Note: The above is in past tense)
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I would have given higher since I did quite enjoy it. But there were a few things that spoiled it. One, the constant switching of tenses, which disrupted the flow of the story. Two, the short sentences, which at times were distracting and caused me to go backwards to double-check meanings instead of easing my reading journey. Three, the small, careless mistakes which jump up and make me go “huh?”. It’s funny at times, but at other confounding.
Sub Total: 67/100
Bonus: 5/5
I’ll give you full bonus marks because, firstly, I think you’ve been waiting a bit for this review? Secondly, because I’m not the reviewer you requested for – she left the reviewing circle, unfortunately before completing this review. And thirdly, for being someone with promise. =D
Total: 72/100
Well congrats =D I think you’ve gotten the highest mark I’ve given so far. =D But remember that you still have a way to go.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Last Gift by love_korean_music
Author: love_korean_music
Story: Last Gift
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/emychan
Reviewer: TongTong
Title: 3/5:
It’s a good title because it hints at what kind of story this is going to be, and it seems to give out the impression that it’s going to be an artsy, literary type of story. However, if I browse through the winglin index page, the story title might pass right by me, as cruel as it sounds.
First Impression: 7/10
The poster and background give off a depressing atmosphere, which is good since your story is kind of melodramatic. However, I think the background and poster would have been a little more elegant fitting. Nevertheless, the first impression is good that it didn’t automatically make me question your writing.
Forewords: 7/10
You need to proof-read the prologue, because it’s a little bit confusing toward the end:
You wrote:
“Taemin asks for the last memory from Mira which is the last gift for Mira from dear friend, Taemin.”
I suspect another character (perhaps Honggi) is the one asking for Mira’s last memory, and not Taemin?
Maybe you’re striving for a light-hearted kind of feeling, but the character description is kind of on the boring side…For example, Mira sounds like a Mary-Sue, which might turn off some readers. In other words, the character descriptions are flawed because they seemed to be too perfect.
Plot: 10/15
The story could have been a little bit more developed and I feel more Taemin and Mira might do the trick.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Obviously your idea isn’t that original…but I feel that you have make your story a little different here.
Flow: 7/10
Sometimes I feel there are places where you can take your time to develop a little bit more so that the story doesn’t seem rushed, while there are some places that could have been deleted because they irrelevant and therefore slow down the story a bit.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
There are obvious typos, awkward sentences, and word choice problems. Sometimes it can be a little bit distracting, so it’s best if you could take the time to revise it or get a beta reader.
Example of a word choice problem from your story:
Taemin didn’t enter the next class. (Chapter 1)
Other than that, please try to stay in one POV. Sometimes you write in third person and sometimes you write in first person…it can get bit irritating for readers if the story is constantly shifting in different POVs.
Suggestion:
Taemin didn’t go to his next class.
Characterisation: 8/10
I really like the characterization in this story…I can really feel what they all were going through…like the confused Mira, the big brother Kibum, and the loving Taemin.
Writing Style: 4/10
I find your writing style too cheesy, if that’s right word. At certain point, I ended cringing. I think you need to show the story more than telling it. For example, instead of saying “he kissed her with love and care”, show it! Show how he’s kissing her.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Usually, I’m not really into tragedies…so I thought your story did okay.
Sub Total: 66/100
Bonus: 5/5
Total: 71/100
I’m really sorry for the review delay! >__< Thanks for requesting from i-DEAS! I hope you’ll request from us again!
Story: Last Gift
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/emychan
Reviewer: TongTong
Title: 3/5:
It’s a good title because it hints at what kind of story this is going to be, and it seems to give out the impression that it’s going to be an artsy, literary type of story. However, if I browse through the winglin index page, the story title might pass right by me, as cruel as it sounds.
First Impression: 7/10
The poster and background give off a depressing atmosphere, which is good since your story is kind of melodramatic. However, I think the background and poster would have been a little more elegant fitting. Nevertheless, the first impression is good that it didn’t automatically make me question your writing.
Forewords: 7/10
You need to proof-read the prologue, because it’s a little bit confusing toward the end:
You wrote:
“Taemin asks for the last memory from Mira which is the last gift for Mira from dear friend, Taemin.”
I suspect another character (perhaps Honggi) is the one asking for Mira’s last memory, and not Taemin?
Maybe you’re striving for a light-hearted kind of feeling, but the character description is kind of on the boring side…For example, Mira sounds like a Mary-Sue, which might turn off some readers. In other words, the character descriptions are flawed because they seemed to be too perfect.
Plot: 10/15
The story could have been a little bit more developed and I feel more Taemin and Mira might do the trick.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Obviously your idea isn’t that original…but I feel that you have make your story a little different here.
Flow: 7/10
Sometimes I feel there are places where you can take your time to develop a little bit more so that the story doesn’t seem rushed, while there are some places that could have been deleted because they irrelevant and therefore slow down the story a bit.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
There are obvious typos, awkward sentences, and word choice problems. Sometimes it can be a little bit distracting, so it’s best if you could take the time to revise it or get a beta reader.
Example of a word choice problem from your story:
Taemin didn’t enter the next class. (Chapter 1)
Other than that, please try to stay in one POV. Sometimes you write in third person and sometimes you write in first person…it can get bit irritating for readers if the story is constantly shifting in different POVs.
Suggestion:
Taemin didn’t go to his next class.
Characterisation: 8/10
I really like the characterization in this story…I can really feel what they all were going through…like the confused Mira, the big brother Kibum, and the loving Taemin.
Writing Style: 4/10
I find your writing style too cheesy, if that’s right word. At certain point, I ended cringing. I think you need to show the story more than telling it. For example, instead of saying “he kissed her with love and care”, show it! Show how he’s kissing her.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Usually, I’m not really into tragedies…so I thought your story did okay.
Sub Total: 66/100
Bonus: 5/5
Total: 71/100
I’m really sorry for the review delay! >__< Thanks for requesting from i-DEAS! I hope you’ll request from us again!
Monday, November 2, 2009
It Was You by Ronix
Author: Ronix
Title: It Was You
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Asian_Fanatic03/
Status: Complete
Reviewer: .flavored
Title: 3/5
Not the most original title in the world. And neither was it eye-catching, though that wasn’t your fault since after Super Junior came out with their song, the title ‘It’s You’ has been strewn across the contents page like nobody’s business. So since yours looks a bit familiar... so... XD
First Impression: 7/10
The poster and background were nice enough and suited the mood. But you didn’t change the font colour at all. Do you not know how to? Or were you lazy? Please remedy this soon.
Forewords: 8/10
Model forewords. But not very satisfactory to me. Could be more dramatic. Some grammatical errors.
Plot: 12/15
No plot holes. Technically sound. I did like how you made both guys equal in their quest for Hebe’s hand. (Truthfully, neither seem good enough for her: one’s a little psycho, the other has a problem with jealous and insecurity =P)
Selina suddenly being introduce was also a nice twist, but it was a bit abrupt. Last minute plot change? XD
Creativity/Originality: 9/15
One can never be truly original in romance since it is a genre that is overused, especially in winglin. The plot has been used many times before, I can tell. Though it was a nice twist with Hebe believing Mike at first.
That being said, I can’t blame you for an unoriginal plot, but the writing and the way it was showcased was not creative or original either way. So, no cookie points.
Flow: 8/10
Its fine and you keep butting in interesting elements in, so I didn’t get bored. Only thing is. This has gone beyond a one-shot hasn’t it? Change your title to [Short Story] please XD
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
Spelling’s fine. Grammar is technically correct, but there were parts which sounded, reaaaaaally odd. Like in Chapter 3, “She felt at home once again. She missed her bedroom which was painted with pink and lavender, Her mug which was given by Mike on their 1st Anniversary.” Would have been better as: “Entering her house, she felt a sense of peace – she was home again, after all. She had missed her bedroom, painted pink and lavender, and her mug which Mike had given her on their 1st Anniversary.”
Another really, really annoying thing is your capitalization has gone haywire. There were capitals everywhere where they shouldn’t be. Please remember, that unless it’s a name, or a location, or God, after a comma, the words are always non-capitalized!
Vocabulary is fine, but you can still improve to help give more atmosphere to the story.
Spotted some minor mistakes here and there in all categories. Please proof-read again.
Characterisation: 7/10
Brief characterisation. It’s nice you added different elements to each character, especially Aaron, who got pretty much all his sides shown.
Hebe and Selina were fine. But there’s going to be a female confrontation yeah? Use that to develop their characters properly, okay?
Mike was very underdeveloped. Unless he’s resurfacing later? Otherwise, he is totally an unsatisfactory character.
Writing Style: 8/10
It’s fine. The short sentences help the reader digest the story more easily.
Just one suggestion is that, because of the genre, it may be better to be a lot more descriptive. And use your descriptiveness to bring atmosphere and depth to the story. Don’t be descriptive just for the sake of being descriptive! It’ll just waste your readers time. Maybe an example for you:
“He leaned closer when Hebe was distracted and captured those lips of hers.
Hebe's eye widen and felt this guy was crazy !
But,
She didn't push away, She enjoyed it and felt he was so familiar.
Not to mention his a good kisser.
Aaron, Sensing Hebe responding towards their kiss, Brought it to the next level.
In the end, It became a passionate one.
Hebe wanted to kick herself for being an idiot. Having Mike while kissing Aaron ?!
Hebe didn't even know Aaron for 24 hours but look at them right now, Kissing in front of Hebe's house.
Rephrase that, MAKING OUT.”
Kinda kills the atmosphere. Maybe it would sound better phrased like this:
“Hebe’s eyes widened when she suddenly felt Aaron’s lips on hers. With a rising temper, Hebe screamed in her brain at the indignity of him taking advantage of her while she was being distracted.
It was strange how despite her misgivings, she didn’t push away.
It felt familiar, his soft lips onto hers. The scent, the feeling, the ecstasy.
He was really good.
As if sensing Hebe’s feelings, Aaron deepened the kiss, his arms wrapped around her like a security blanket. She felt herself go limp in his arms.
It was passionate yet sweet at the same time. A level of kissing which Hebe had never experienced before, not even with Mike.
‘Mike.’
With that Hebe began freaking out. What was she doing? She hadn’t even known Aaron for 24 hours, but here she was, blatantly kissing him in the front of her house.
Seriously, what the heck was she doing?”
Sounds better? Just a suggestion.
Overall Enjoyment: 1/5
Despite the technically high marks, I didn’t enjoy this much. Maybe it’s my generally high expectations for the genre, or maybe it’s because I’m being anal, but I didn’t feel anything when reading this story. So yeah, sorry.
Sub Total: 69/100
Bonus: 1/5
I can’t really see anything to give bonus points? Maybe just one for writing a technically good story =D
Total: 70/100
Title: It Was You
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Asian_Fanatic03/
Status: Complete
Reviewer: .flavored
Title: 3/5
Not the most original title in the world. And neither was it eye-catching, though that wasn’t your fault since after Super Junior came out with their song, the title ‘It’s You’ has been strewn across the contents page like nobody’s business. So since yours looks a bit familiar... so... XD
First Impression: 7/10
The poster and background were nice enough and suited the mood. But you didn’t change the font colour at all. Do you not know how to? Or were you lazy? Please remedy this soon.
Forewords: 8/10
Model forewords. But not very satisfactory to me. Could be more dramatic. Some grammatical errors.
Plot: 12/15
No plot holes. Technically sound. I did like how you made both guys equal in their quest for Hebe’s hand. (Truthfully, neither seem good enough for her: one’s a little psycho, the other has a problem with jealous and insecurity =P)
Selina suddenly being introduce was also a nice twist, but it was a bit abrupt. Last minute plot change? XD
Creativity/Originality: 9/15
One can never be truly original in romance since it is a genre that is overused, especially in winglin. The plot has been used many times before, I can tell. Though it was a nice twist with Hebe believing Mike at first.
That being said, I can’t blame you for an unoriginal plot, but the writing and the way it was showcased was not creative or original either way. So, no cookie points.
Flow: 8/10
Its fine and you keep butting in interesting elements in, so I didn’t get bored. Only thing is. This has gone beyond a one-shot hasn’t it? Change your title to [Short Story] please XD
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
Spelling’s fine. Grammar is technically correct, but there were parts which sounded, reaaaaaally odd. Like in Chapter 3, “She felt at home once again. She missed her bedroom which was painted with pink and lavender, Her mug which was given by Mike on their 1st Anniversary.” Would have been better as: “Entering her house, she felt a sense of peace – she was home again, after all. She had missed her bedroom, painted pink and lavender, and her mug which Mike had given her on their 1st Anniversary.”
Another really, really annoying thing is your capitalization has gone haywire. There were capitals everywhere where they shouldn’t be. Please remember, that unless it’s a name, or a location, or God, after a comma, the words are always non-capitalized!
Vocabulary is fine, but you can still improve to help give more atmosphere to the story.
Spotted some minor mistakes here and there in all categories. Please proof-read again.
Characterisation: 7/10
Brief characterisation. It’s nice you added different elements to each character, especially Aaron, who got pretty much all his sides shown.
Hebe and Selina were fine. But there’s going to be a female confrontation yeah? Use that to develop their characters properly, okay?
Mike was very underdeveloped. Unless he’s resurfacing later? Otherwise, he is totally an unsatisfactory character.
Writing Style: 8/10
It’s fine. The short sentences help the reader digest the story more easily.
Just one suggestion is that, because of the genre, it may be better to be a lot more descriptive. And use your descriptiveness to bring atmosphere and depth to the story. Don’t be descriptive just for the sake of being descriptive! It’ll just waste your readers time. Maybe an example for you:
“He leaned closer when Hebe was distracted and captured those lips of hers.
Hebe's eye widen and felt this guy was crazy !
But,
She didn't push away, She enjoyed it and felt he was so familiar.
Not to mention his a good kisser.
Aaron, Sensing Hebe responding towards their kiss, Brought it to the next level.
In the end, It became a passionate one.
Hebe wanted to kick herself for being an idiot. Having Mike while kissing Aaron ?!
Hebe didn't even know Aaron for 24 hours but look at them right now, Kissing in front of Hebe's house.
Rephrase that, MAKING OUT.”
Kinda kills the atmosphere. Maybe it would sound better phrased like this:
“Hebe’s eyes widened when she suddenly felt Aaron’s lips on hers. With a rising temper, Hebe screamed in her brain at the indignity of him taking advantage of her while she was being distracted.
It was strange how despite her misgivings, she didn’t push away.
It felt familiar, his soft lips onto hers. The scent, the feeling, the ecstasy.
He was really good.
As if sensing Hebe’s feelings, Aaron deepened the kiss, his arms wrapped around her like a security blanket. She felt herself go limp in his arms.
It was passionate yet sweet at the same time. A level of kissing which Hebe had never experienced before, not even with Mike.
‘Mike.’
With that Hebe began freaking out. What was she doing? She hadn’t even known Aaron for 24 hours, but here she was, blatantly kissing him in the front of her house.
Seriously, what the heck was she doing?”
Sounds better? Just a suggestion.
Overall Enjoyment: 1/5
Despite the technically high marks, I didn’t enjoy this much. Maybe it’s my generally high expectations for the genre, or maybe it’s because I’m being anal, but I didn’t feel anything when reading this story. So yeah, sorry.
Sub Total: 69/100
Bonus: 1/5
I can’t really see anything to give bonus points? Maybe just one for writing a technically good story =D
Total: 70/100
Sunday, November 1, 2009
When Death Spoke to Her by The Unfaithful One
Title: When Death Spoke to Her
Author: The Unfaithful One
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/chair/
Reviewed by: Andi @ i-DEAS
Title: 4/5
The words seriously caught my attention! I glanced at it, and was like, “Whoa. Death. Speaking to someone. Either they’re crazy, or it’s some weird metaphor. I have to read this story.”
First Impression: 8/10
The poster wasn’t the best art in the world, but everyone’s going to have a different opinion on that. The background’s a plain black, so I thought this was going to be a dark and depressing story, but it was just depressing. It set the mood, but the poster could have been a little more…eye-catching, if you get me.
Forewords: 7/10
Normally, I like relatively simple forewords (too much isn’t always the best), but you neglected to speak about the characters. I wanted to know who they were, where they had come from, what their personalities were like, etc. I understand if you didn’t want to give out too much in fear of giving away the plot, but just take it into consideration for your next story.
Plot: 14/15
It was a little complex, and I liked it! I’ve never read anything like it.
Creativity/Originality: 15/15
See above. According to the numbers you get a 15, but in my book, you get a bajillion stars! Go creative writing!
Flow: 8/10
The flow was moderate: not too fast and not too slow. There were some parts where I was confused as to the time jumping, but that’s all right.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I found nothing but common mistakes that everyone and their grandma makes. Good job!
Characterization: 6/10
As I said before, you didn’t delve into the characters as much as you should have. We got to know the main character and the nurse that tried to help her, and that’s about it. I wanted to know more about “Death” and what he was like, other than he loved his wife a lot. You did, however, make me look up the members of S.H.E and this guy named Chun. I had no clue who they were, and seeing as how I thought Chun was Micky Yoochun from DBSK…yeah, thank you for introducing new singers and stars to me!
Writing Style: 9/10
I’m thankful that you didn’t pull the “no paragraphs” stunt a lot of other writers pull. That’s a serious pet peeve of mine. The Enter button is everyone’s friend, after all. So again, thank you!
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
One, two, three…LOOOOOOOOVED IT!
Sub Total: 85/100
Bonus: 3/5
Good luck with any future stories!
Total: 88/100
Author: The Unfaithful One
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/chair/
Reviewed by: Andi @ i-DEAS
Title: 4/5
The words seriously caught my attention! I glanced at it, and was like, “Whoa. Death. Speaking to someone. Either they’re crazy, or it’s some weird metaphor. I have to read this story.”
First Impression: 8/10
The poster wasn’t the best art in the world, but everyone’s going to have a different opinion on that. The background’s a plain black, so I thought this was going to be a dark and depressing story, but it was just depressing. It set the mood, but the poster could have been a little more…eye-catching, if you get me.
Forewords: 7/10
Normally, I like relatively simple forewords (too much isn’t always the best), but you neglected to speak about the characters. I wanted to know who they were, where they had come from, what their personalities were like, etc. I understand if you didn’t want to give out too much in fear of giving away the plot, but just take it into consideration for your next story.
Plot: 14/15
It was a little complex, and I liked it! I’ve never read anything like it.
Creativity/Originality: 15/15
See above. According to the numbers you get a 15, but in my book, you get a bajillion stars! Go creative writing!
Flow: 8/10
The flow was moderate: not too fast and not too slow. There were some parts where I was confused as to the time jumping, but that’s all right.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I found nothing but common mistakes that everyone and their grandma makes. Good job!
Characterization: 6/10
As I said before, you didn’t delve into the characters as much as you should have. We got to know the main character and the nurse that tried to help her, and that’s about it. I wanted to know more about “Death” and what he was like, other than he loved his wife a lot. You did, however, make me look up the members of S.H.E and this guy named Chun. I had no clue who they were, and seeing as how I thought Chun was Micky Yoochun from DBSK…yeah, thank you for introducing new singers and stars to me!
Writing Style: 9/10
I’m thankful that you didn’t pull the “no paragraphs” stunt a lot of other writers pull. That’s a serious pet peeve of mine. The Enter button is everyone’s friend, after all. So again, thank you!
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
One, two, three…LOOOOOOOOVED IT!
Sub Total: 85/100
Bonus: 3/5
Good luck with any future stories!
Total: 88/100
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