Author : penelope
Title : Why Not?
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/penelope1/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Kira @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
NOTE : I will warn you, now. I am harsh and blunt, but fair. This is my impartial dissection of what I think of the story as a literary piece of work (minus the overall enjoyment part). Once again, I have nothing against you.
Title: 3/5
Eh, I’m not impressed. I have seen this title used more than a few times. It’s not original. The only reason I gave you a higher score was because it fit well with the story at least. It’s not very appealing though.
Poster/Background: -/10
Don’t have one, so I guess I’ll omit this section.
Forewords: 2/10
Your foreword is PRETTY much nonexistent. The only background information you really gave was main characters and ages. For those that are just starting to read it, it won’t catch their attention other than the fact that JaeJoong is one of the main characters. Perhaps a teaser, description of settings, background information, just a little something to get readers interested to read on for the story.
Plot: 10/15
Been there, done that feeling. Although I must say, some parts toward the last few chapters were more interesting and less predictable. From the beginning though, I have to say I had a pretty good feeling what’s was going to happen next and such. Forbidden relationship between a guy that is super popular and a girl who’s not so popular but the two won’t admit it to each other and oblivious to the other’s affection. The girl feels too much pressure from everyone else. I have to say toward the end I was a bit surprised by the fact that they were related. The shower scene I found funny.
Creativity/Originality: 5/15
This is your typical high school/college cliché storyline. Like I said, I could pretty much predict what was going to happen before it happened. Being sent to jail for kidnap is a bit more extreme than most of these typical storylines. I found the cell mate/jail mate to be nicer than most criminals, so that was interesting. The shower scene was different. Most stories just have the guy hide under the bed or in the closet or something. The confession was a bit original since it isn’t just the typical, “I love you,” and then it’s over.
Flow: 9/10
Everything comes together pretty nicely. The story isn’t too choppy, jumping from one place to another randomly and the rate at which events occur makes sense. The biggest complaint I have is just the part with the parents and the revelation about them being related seemed to have pop out of no where. I don’t have much else to say about this section.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I don’t see many spelling errors and the vocabulary is considerably basic but used correctly. Syntax wise, you’re good. Some of your sentences are a bit rambling and the dialogue could use some cleaning up, but other than that, I don’t see too big of a problem. I find this section pretty important because I can’t stand reading stories that are a jumbled up mess of spelling/grammar errors, so thank you for keeping it clean. A consistent error you seem to have is on the speaking quotes. There always needs to be a punctuation mark in between the end of the sentence and the closing quotation mark. If it is a starting quote and supposed to end in a period, then the punctuation mark should be a comma.
Example:
"You're right" he admitted, tightly holding you.
changes to
"You're right," he admitted, tightly holding you.
and
"No, I'm good" he mumbled.
changes to
"No, I'm good," he mumbled.
Also, there should be at most two separate quotation in each paragraph and if so, the speaker should be the same. So…
Example:
"Oppa!" you smiled holding your laughter, "What?!" he questioned, "This is the ladies room!" you burst out laughing.
Not only is it a run on sentence, you have JaeJoong and the girl speaking in the same paragraph.
Change:
"Oppa!" you smiled holding your laughter.
"What?!" he questioned.
"This is the ladies room!" you burst out laughing.
Quotations are weird and confusing, so it’s understandable. You did very well in quoting in comparison to most other writers I have seen.
Just as a side comment, I find it odd that you have your characters cursing, but you censor them.
Characterization: 5/10
Maybe it’s because of the writing, but all your characters seem very 2-D and plain. None of the characters really jump out at you and say, this is who I am. They are very storybook cliché. JaeJoong’s the kingka that will do anything for the girl he loves. “You” are the less popular girl who is confused as to what to do even though you love JaeJoong. YunHo’s the party animal. YooChun’s the good friend that tries to knock some sense into JaeJoong. The parents are the disapproving kind that keeps the relationship forbidden. I feel like all the characters (so far) are considerably static. They don’t grow from experience except maybe JaeJoong and “you” from realization their love for each other.
Writing Style: 5/10
Everything is a bit too straightforward and plain. You could add more details in your descriptions of their movements, surroundings, etc. Your sentence structures are all pretty similar and basic. Over half of your writing is just dialogue. Dialogue does make for an interesting story, but it doesn’t make a story. It’s nice that people are interacting, but when I read your story, I feel like there’s a large empty, blank space behind them. Imagery is very important in stories. However, one good thing about being straightforward is that you are good at getting your point across. You don’t confuse your readers by using words you don’t know how to use, which I’m glad because it annoys me when people try to sound intelligent with big words but don’t know how to use them. Still, details make stories come to life, so try to add a bit more literary devices.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I’m not that much of a fan of “you” stories all that much. Because in reality, the “you” could not possible be the reader, just the omission of the main character’s name. The female protagonist has a set personality (like she should have), but I’m sure your readers all have different personalities. So “you” is just readers being thrown in the perspective from the girl’s point of view, not really the reader’s own point of view. (Am I making sense?) I think it would be better if the main character has a name and just have the reader’s follow her point of view. But this is just my semi-bias opinion of that as I understand some readers do like the fact that they are able to be in the story even if it is in a non-personal manner. However, I also felt the story was a bit bland, too. But then again, to each their own.
Sub Total: 50/90
Bonus: 5/5
I can tell you work hard to please your readers, so I give you full bonus. :) I also feel bad for not getting this to you earlier because I’ve been insanely busy. =.=
Total: 55/90
Monday, March 30, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Wishing On a Star by DorkyMickyx3 / Michelle
Author : DorkyMickyx3 / Michelle
Title : Wishing On a Star
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MickyxD/
Status : Completed.
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 5/5
I like the title, even if it’s normal. Because it brings out so much about the story.
Poster/Background : 9/10
Did you make the poster yourself? If you did, that’s why I’m giving you more marks. It is nice, but you should minimize Yunho’s pic, or blend it a little. Enlarge the pic of the couples and the font of “Wishing on a star” should be more italicized, so it shows more emotions and feelings.
Forewords : 8/10
You put the message of reading your foreword, don’t worry, every reviewer will read the forewords because it’s counted. I like on how you put a little story in the forewords because that is how it is supposed to be. Although in here, you didn’t put much about the characters’ personality and all, but when it comes to the next one, it was explained bit by bit. But, there’s also reasons on why you didn’t get the perfect 10. It’s because you didn’t explain much about “Wishing on a star”. I would love to see the part of “wishing on a star” and then recall back to what happened to Yunho.
Plot : 14/15
Some people may thought that this story is pretty normal. But what makes me say no is on how you empowered its own title. She was feeling guilty of his death and how everyone accepts her instead of blaming it on her. Also, the plot is quite heart-wrenching.
Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
Cassiopeia was shining brightly, that’s what made me really fluttered and touched. Truth to be told, my mind was really mixed up when reading this. Not because it is bad, it is because I like your story and it’s compacted with 101 emotions that I cant really tell. I should give you more marks on creativity for making Yunho such a lovable guy. At first when reading your forewords, I thought he’s going to be one of the bad guys. But he’s not. He’s such a gentleman and everybody loves him. The bringing in of his real family made this story seemed real. BAMBI’S THERE TOO! *squeals* I remember Bambi. Yunho’s first gift from Cassiopeia. His “daughter”. Also, Jaejoong and the rest of DBSK were there for her, taking care of her as if Yunho told them to do so. And it was a relief that Yunho was back in the end, you made it like her wish came true and god listened to her prayers. But I was wondering, when the history repeated itself, who actually died? Yunho or her? JiYeon right?
Flow : 7/10
It was a bit fast, I admit. But because I can feel what she’s feeling, so I’m letting it go.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 5.5/10
You need to improve on this. You have a great story but I spotted a lot of spelling mistakes, grammar, tenses and lacking of vocabulary and description. I can help you with this, just get my email from Rawr-out-Loud and I’ll personally help you out. I rarely do this to the others, but because your story hooked me a lot, I’m going to help you to be a better writer.
Characterization : 7/10
I didn’t get much from the girl. The DBSK boys were being DBSK. But the girl, I don’t know who she was.
Writing style : 10/10
Clean and easy. :D
Overall enjoyment : 5/5
Enjoyed it very much. Well done.
Sub total : 83.5/100
Bonus : 3/5
1)You didn’t give up although there’s not much reader.
2)You have a superfluous ideas.
3)You did the poster by yourself.
Total : 86.5/100
Don’t feel bad if nobody’s reading your first fic. I can promise you I will read it between my free time. I know how it feels when nobody supported our first attempt in writing a story. You’re a great writer. You just need to improve on your writing skills and the flow. Overall, you plot was great. As I said earlier, if you need any help with the writing, feel free to come to me and I’ll help you. ^^
Title : Wishing On a Star
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MickyxD/
Status : Completed.
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 5/5
I like the title, even if it’s normal. Because it brings out so much about the story.
Poster/Background : 9/10
Did you make the poster yourself? If you did, that’s why I’m giving you more marks. It is nice, but you should minimize Yunho’s pic, or blend it a little. Enlarge the pic of the couples and the font of “Wishing on a star” should be more italicized, so it shows more emotions and feelings.
Forewords : 8/10
You put the message of reading your foreword, don’t worry, every reviewer will read the forewords because it’s counted. I like on how you put a little story in the forewords because that is how it is supposed to be. Although in here, you didn’t put much about the characters’ personality and all, but when it comes to the next one, it was explained bit by bit. But, there’s also reasons on why you didn’t get the perfect 10. It’s because you didn’t explain much about “Wishing on a star”. I would love to see the part of “wishing on a star” and then recall back to what happened to Yunho.
Plot : 14/15
Some people may thought that this story is pretty normal. But what makes me say no is on how you empowered its own title. She was feeling guilty of his death and how everyone accepts her instead of blaming it on her. Also, the plot is quite heart-wrenching.
Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
Cassiopeia was shining brightly, that’s what made me really fluttered and touched. Truth to be told, my mind was really mixed up when reading this. Not because it is bad, it is because I like your story and it’s compacted with 101 emotions that I cant really tell. I should give you more marks on creativity for making Yunho such a lovable guy. At first when reading your forewords, I thought he’s going to be one of the bad guys. But he’s not. He’s such a gentleman and everybody loves him. The bringing in of his real family made this story seemed real. BAMBI’S THERE TOO! *squeals* I remember Bambi. Yunho’s first gift from Cassiopeia. His “daughter”. Also, Jaejoong and the rest of DBSK were there for her, taking care of her as if Yunho told them to do so. And it was a relief that Yunho was back in the end, you made it like her wish came true and god listened to her prayers. But I was wondering, when the history repeated itself, who actually died? Yunho or her? JiYeon right?
Flow : 7/10
It was a bit fast, I admit. But because I can feel what she’s feeling, so I’m letting it go.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 5.5/10
You need to improve on this. You have a great story but I spotted a lot of spelling mistakes, grammar, tenses and lacking of vocabulary and description. I can help you with this, just get my email from Rawr-out-Loud and I’ll personally help you out. I rarely do this to the others, but because your story hooked me a lot, I’m going to help you to be a better writer.
Characterization : 7/10
I didn’t get much from the girl. The DBSK boys were being DBSK. But the girl, I don’t know who she was.
Writing style : 10/10
Clean and easy. :D
Overall enjoyment : 5/5
Enjoyed it very much. Well done.
Sub total : 83.5/100
Bonus : 3/5
1)You didn’t give up although there’s not much reader.
2)You have a superfluous ideas.
3)You did the poster by yourself.
Total : 86.5/100
Don’t feel bad if nobody’s reading your first fic. I can promise you I will read it between my free time. I know how it feels when nobody supported our first attempt in writing a story. You’re a great writer. You just need to improve on your writing skills and the flow. Overall, you plot was great. As I said earlier, if you need any help with the writing, feel free to come to me and I’ll help you. ^^
Fickle by SandySsi
Title : Fickle
Author : SandySsi
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/sandyblack/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Mickey @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
Title: 4/5
Your title was unique and it was something different. It caught my eye and that’s a good thing.
Poster/Background: 5/10
I can see where your poster is coming from. SIMS. I can see the resemblance with the game and the story. In the story, you could see Young Bae, Ji Yong, and Sandy partying around, making out, flirting, etc; which matches with SIMS. But, it didn’t really stand out to me.
Forewords: 10/10
I loved your forewords ! It made me interested in the story. You explained everything detail about the characters but not too much. You wrote not just their personality, but the details of background, goals, relationships, etc.
Plot: 10/15
This is not really a cliché story, but it wasn’t a kind of plot that made me go, ‘WOW.’ It just felt like an average plot. Though I like how Sandy isn’t pure Korean, so it shows the differences.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
The creativity is different from others. It wasn’t something I read of Winglin. The plot is unique and you just added your own ideas into the story.
Flow: 8/10
The flow so far is actually great. It’s not going at a really fast pace, but it’s not going at a slow pace either. Though it does seem like your jumping around here and there.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I spotted really minor spelling mistakes, but not to the point where it made me re-read the story over and over again.
Characterization: 8/10
You really introduced your characters really well. I was able to understand their feelings about everything. I was able to picture them in my mind while reading the story.
Writing Style: 7/10
Your writing style is really easy to read. Your explain what’s going on with major descriptions and not just talking wise.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Not really enjoying the story so far. It wasn’t a story that made me go, ‘Oh my gosh’
Sub Total: 74/100
Bonus: 3/5
These are just for the hard work you put into your story. I could tell how much effort you put into this by reading how you write. (:
Total: 77/100
Author : SandySsi
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/sandyblack/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Mickey @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
Title: 4/5
Your title was unique and it was something different. It caught my eye and that’s a good thing.
Poster/Background: 5/10
I can see where your poster is coming from. SIMS. I can see the resemblance with the game and the story. In the story, you could see Young Bae, Ji Yong, and Sandy partying around, making out, flirting, etc; which matches with SIMS. But, it didn’t really stand out to me.
Forewords: 10/10
I loved your forewords ! It made me interested in the story. You explained everything detail about the characters but not too much. You wrote not just their personality, but the details of background, goals, relationships, etc.
Plot: 10/15
This is not really a cliché story, but it wasn’t a kind of plot that made me go, ‘WOW.’ It just felt like an average plot. Though I like how Sandy isn’t pure Korean, so it shows the differences.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
The creativity is different from others. It wasn’t something I read of Winglin. The plot is unique and you just added your own ideas into the story.
Flow: 8/10
The flow so far is actually great. It’s not going at a really fast pace, but it’s not going at a slow pace either. Though it does seem like your jumping around here and there.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I spotted really minor spelling mistakes, but not to the point where it made me re-read the story over and over again.
Characterization: 8/10
You really introduced your characters really well. I was able to understand their feelings about everything. I was able to picture them in my mind while reading the story.
Writing Style: 7/10
Your writing style is really easy to read. Your explain what’s going on with major descriptions and not just talking wise.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Not really enjoying the story so far. It wasn’t a story that made me go, ‘Oh my gosh’
Sub Total: 74/100
Bonus: 3/5
These are just for the hard work you put into your story. I could tell how much effort you put into this by reading how you write. (:
Total: 77/100
Monday, March 23, 2009
And the Winner Is.. by Tiramissya/McGorgeous/ A s h l e i LEE
Author : Tiramissya/McGorgeous/ A s h l e i LEE
Title : And the Winner Is..
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/tiramissya/
Status : On-Going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 3.5/5
Quite alluring, but seems too plain and crippled. I like on how you put the title, IF this is a ONE-SHOT. Because your title is too direct. Meaning that once we read the story, all you have to tell us is who’s the winner or there’s no winner. That’s all. But since this is a long story, maybe it is good if you try to twist it up to gain more readers.
Poster/Background : 10/10
Since you mentioned about the mistakes, than I’m going to lay down on it. I know that we cannot (or it is perhaps rude) to ask the designer to re-do it because of a mistake. Besides, I personally love the poster.
Forewords : 8/10
Forewords, you talked about the camp. I repeat, the camp. You didn’t include about what is the twist in the story that you want to tell in hope that your readers wont go away. This way, they will be waiting for your ideas, and it won’t go to waste. Get what I mean? In certain times, people tend to add twists or excitement at the middle of the story. They supposed that it will be better and the readers will think that, “Oh, the story’s getting interesting.”. But what’s the point in doing it when your first reader was like, “Hmm, is she going to tell me about camps?!” and ran away. Why not, you make your readers read them in awe from the beginning until the end of the story? You have some very, very interesting lines and gestures in the story. So it is not wrong to put excitement on the forewords.
Plot : 12/15
Competitions. It revolves around us, we can’t blame that. I cannot say that the plot is outstanding, and I also cannot say that it is boring. It all depends on you and your creativity. Along with your hardworks and your patience. If you think your plot is good, then go on with it. Only you can stop yourself. So why not, prove to all of them that your fanfic is worth reading? :D
Creativity/ Originality : 12..5/15
I commented earlier on the plot, and this time I’m going to express more on the creativity and originality. I know that for us, maybe we would think it is original enough because we are the one who made it by ourselves. Also, that we haven’t been reading it much. But for some readers, they might already read the same plot before. But for me, you’re in between. Truthfully, I have read a lot of fanfics like this in my reviewing days. It involves the DBSK guys, Ri In, BoA and all other celebrities. I am happy to see some of them in your fanfic -as normal people. Not famous celebrities. Their interactions with the fictional characters/ other characters were okay. There’s nothing superior with it. As for originality, you’re trying your best to write out a great fan fiction for the readers, and I can see your effort. Some part has its own hilarious antics, betrayal and all. Your creativity is the one that helped you a lot in this story. If the originality of the story is poor, you still managed to bring it up by putting in your own creativity and your own way to tell the story.
Flow : 8/10
Frankly, at the early chapters, especially the first chap, it was fast. The ballerina won the competition, and then she was at the club. I found that you dragged it a bit fast. And the rest, it’s okay.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
Some spelling mistakes and tenses error. But that’s normal, you can work on it to make it better. :D your description and direct speech is enough and it doesn’t bore readers.
Characterization : 7.5/10
I will have to comment on this since it was quite shattered when you said that she’s a very good ballerina and won many awards and you mentioned that she’s over 1.7m tall. Which is for a ballerina, she’s too tall. I’m not saying that ballerina cant be 1.7m tall, but when you’re putting it in a perfect ballerina, 1.7m is almost impossible. Because it is really hard to control the leg and movements. You will have to match the characters with their profession too. Unless this ballerina is gifted, then… okay.
Writing style : 9/10
Easy to understand. But some are packed together. I know it’s not your fault, it’s winglin.. I did that too, but be sure to check that before posting it up. So it will be much easier.
Overall enjoyment : 3.5/5
I can say that I enjoy it, but I don’t have much to say. (It varies on different people, so I cannot give my full opinion here)
Sub total : 82/100
Bonus : 2/5
good luck on your next fanfic, cause you’re good.
Total : 84/100
Title : And the Winner Is..
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/tiramissya/
Status : On-Going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 3.5/5
Quite alluring, but seems too plain and crippled. I like on how you put the title, IF this is a ONE-SHOT. Because your title is too direct. Meaning that once we read the story, all you have to tell us is who’s the winner or there’s no winner. That’s all. But since this is a long story, maybe it is good if you try to twist it up to gain more readers.
Poster/Background : 10/10
Since you mentioned about the mistakes, than I’m going to lay down on it. I know that we cannot (or it is perhaps rude) to ask the designer to re-do it because of a mistake. Besides, I personally love the poster.
Forewords : 8/10
Forewords, you talked about the camp. I repeat, the camp. You didn’t include about what is the twist in the story that you want to tell in hope that your readers wont go away. This way, they will be waiting for your ideas, and it won’t go to waste. Get what I mean? In certain times, people tend to add twists or excitement at the middle of the story. They supposed that it will be better and the readers will think that, “Oh, the story’s getting interesting.”. But what’s the point in doing it when your first reader was like, “Hmm, is she going to tell me about camps?!” and ran away. Why not, you make your readers read them in awe from the beginning until the end of the story? You have some very, very interesting lines and gestures in the story. So it is not wrong to put excitement on the forewords.
Plot : 12/15
Competitions. It revolves around us, we can’t blame that. I cannot say that the plot is outstanding, and I also cannot say that it is boring. It all depends on you and your creativity. Along with your hardworks and your patience. If you think your plot is good, then go on with it. Only you can stop yourself. So why not, prove to all of them that your fanfic is worth reading? :D
Creativity/ Originality : 12..5/15
I commented earlier on the plot, and this time I’m going to express more on the creativity and originality. I know that for us, maybe we would think it is original enough because we are the one who made it by ourselves. Also, that we haven’t been reading it much. But for some readers, they might already read the same plot before. But for me, you’re in between. Truthfully, I have read a lot of fanfics like this in my reviewing days. It involves the DBSK guys, Ri In, BoA and all other celebrities. I am happy to see some of them in your fanfic -as normal people. Not famous celebrities. Their interactions with the fictional characters/ other characters were okay. There’s nothing superior with it. As for originality, you’re trying your best to write out a great fan fiction for the readers, and I can see your effort. Some part has its own hilarious antics, betrayal and all. Your creativity is the one that helped you a lot in this story. If the originality of the story is poor, you still managed to bring it up by putting in your own creativity and your own way to tell the story.
Flow : 8/10
Frankly, at the early chapters, especially the first chap, it was fast. The ballerina won the competition, and then she was at the club. I found that you dragged it a bit fast. And the rest, it’s okay.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
Some spelling mistakes and tenses error. But that’s normal, you can work on it to make it better. :D your description and direct speech is enough and it doesn’t bore readers.
Characterization : 7.5/10
I will have to comment on this since it was quite shattered when you said that she’s a very good ballerina and won many awards and you mentioned that she’s over 1.7m tall. Which is for a ballerina, she’s too tall. I’m not saying that ballerina cant be 1.7m tall, but when you’re putting it in a perfect ballerina, 1.7m is almost impossible. Because it is really hard to control the leg and movements. You will have to match the characters with their profession too. Unless this ballerina is gifted, then… okay.
Writing style : 9/10
Easy to understand. But some are packed together. I know it’s not your fault, it’s winglin.. I did that too, but be sure to check that before posting it up. So it will be much easier.
Overall enjoyment : 3.5/5
I can say that I enjoy it, but I don’t have much to say. (It varies on different people, so I cannot give my full opinion here)
Sub total : 82/100
Bonus : 2/5
good luck on your next fanfic, cause you’re good.
Total : 84/100
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
My one and only Yoochun by Samantha
Title : My one and only Yoochun
Author : Samantha
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/BB_devilheart/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Mickey @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
Title: 3/5
I guess the title fit with the story, although it didn’t catch my attention at all. If I were to see this on the site, I would just pass by it.
Poster/Background: 7/10
The poster was really pretty, but I can’t say it’s the best one. The green didn’t really go for my eyes. And when I saw the picture, I thought that Yoochun and Changmin were going to be fighting over the girl. Not Changmin being the brother, while Yoochun & us readers being in a relationship.
Forewords: 4/10
The forewords was really boring to me. It had a simple paragraph of what the story would be about, and I know that the personality for the readers is our own, but you could have described a little bit about Yoochun & Changmin.
Plot: 9/15
This plot is very cliché. Guy breaks up with the girl, girl gets mad so she gets another man to make her ex-boyfriend jealous. I’ve read this a lot of times. The guy is a nobody, but suddenly gets noticed by the most popular girl in school, cliché.
Creativity/Originality: 9/15
Again, no creativity nor originality. While I was reading, I was able to predict everything that was going to happen, and that’s NOT a good thing. Your trying to make the readers more into the story and make them want more.
Flow: 4/10
The flow was WAY to fast. In every chapter, you kept saying -one week later- or -two weeks later- etc. You should have described what happened those days. I didn’t know what was going on because the time just went by too fast. At first, Yoochun was a nobody and then all of a sudden the readers are already in a relationship with Yoochun.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
I saw A LOT of spelling and grammar mistakes. The spelling and grammar mistakes got in the way of me trying to understand what was going on. Try to re-read and proofread your writing before posting them.
Characterization: 5/10
This was really hard for me to find out. At first, Yoochun was a nobody but suddenly got noticed by the most popular girl at school. Yoochun is best friends with the most popular girl in school, but yet he’s not noticed. I don’t get that. The only one I was able to figure out was Changmin. He’s very careful and overprotective with his younger sister.
Writing Style: 4/10
Your writing was way to hard to understand. I had to re-read over and over again to understand what was going on. Instead of putting every together, there should be some space in between the lines so that it would be easier to read. When I was reading this, it literally made me go, ‘GAHD’ Also when you write about what the characters are thinking, instead of writing what the people are thinking in the middle of the sentence, you should put a P.O.V or something.
You wrote :
"_____________ I know its not anyones fault. *YOOCHUN* thought Changmin. So don't cry and I'll take you I told Yoochun I'll take care of you and my unborn niece or nephew so don't cry and lets go." smiled Changmin patting your head.
It could be something like :
Changmin’ s P.O.V
“___________ I know its not anyone’s fault, so don’t cry. I’ll take you to the doctors, so don’t worry. Plus I told Yoochun that I’ll take care of you and the unborn baby, who could be my nephew or niece” I smiled, patting my sisters head.
*UGH, Yoochun* I thought to myself.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I didn’t really enjoy this story as much as I thought I would.
Sub Total: 50/100
Bonus: 2/5
Keep up the good work ! And I know this is a bad score, but don’t feel bad about it. Reviews are supposed to help the writers with their writing.
Total: 52/100
Author : Samantha
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/BB_devilheart/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Mickey @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
Title: 3/5
I guess the title fit with the story, although it didn’t catch my attention at all. If I were to see this on the site, I would just pass by it.
Poster/Background: 7/10
The poster was really pretty, but I can’t say it’s the best one. The green didn’t really go for my eyes. And when I saw the picture, I thought that Yoochun and Changmin were going to be fighting over the girl. Not Changmin being the brother, while Yoochun & us readers being in a relationship.
Forewords: 4/10
The forewords was really boring to me. It had a simple paragraph of what the story would be about, and I know that the personality for the readers is our own, but you could have described a little bit about Yoochun & Changmin.
Plot: 9/15
This plot is very cliché. Guy breaks up with the girl, girl gets mad so she gets another man to make her ex-boyfriend jealous. I’ve read this a lot of times. The guy is a nobody, but suddenly gets noticed by the most popular girl in school, cliché.
Creativity/Originality: 9/15
Again, no creativity nor originality. While I was reading, I was able to predict everything that was going to happen, and that’s NOT a good thing. Your trying to make the readers more into the story and make them want more.
Flow: 4/10
The flow was WAY to fast. In every chapter, you kept saying -one week later- or -two weeks later- etc. You should have described what happened those days. I didn’t know what was going on because the time just went by too fast. At first, Yoochun was a nobody and then all of a sudden the readers are already in a relationship with Yoochun.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
I saw A LOT of spelling and grammar mistakes. The spelling and grammar mistakes got in the way of me trying to understand what was going on. Try to re-read and proofread your writing before posting them.
Characterization: 5/10
This was really hard for me to find out. At first, Yoochun was a nobody but suddenly got noticed by the most popular girl at school. Yoochun is best friends with the most popular girl in school, but yet he’s not noticed. I don’t get that. The only one I was able to figure out was Changmin. He’s very careful and overprotective with his younger sister.
Writing Style: 4/10
Your writing was way to hard to understand. I had to re-read over and over again to understand what was going on. Instead of putting every together, there should be some space in between the lines so that it would be easier to read. When I was reading this, it literally made me go, ‘GAHD’ Also when you write about what the characters are thinking, instead of writing what the people are thinking in the middle of the sentence, you should put a P.O.V or something.
You wrote :
"_____________ I know its not anyones fault. *YOOCHUN* thought Changmin. So don't cry and I'll take you I told Yoochun I'll take care of you and my unborn niece or nephew so don't cry and lets go." smiled Changmin patting your head.
It could be something like :
Changmin’ s P.O.V
“___________ I know its not anyone’s fault, so don’t cry. I’ll take you to the doctors, so don’t worry. Plus I told Yoochun that I’ll take care of you and the unborn baby, who could be my nephew or niece” I smiled, patting my sisters head.
*UGH, Yoochun* I thought to myself.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I didn’t really enjoy this story as much as I thought I would.
Sub Total: 50/100
Bonus: 2/5
Keep up the good work ! And I know this is a bad score, but don’t feel bad about it. Reviews are supposed to help the writers with their writing.
Total: 52/100
End Of a Dream by BoBoLi0us a.k.a akimotochiaki
Author : BoBoLi0us a.k.a akimotochiaki
Title : End Of a Dream
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/EndofAdream/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 5/5
I thought that you’re going to put some normal titles. But you know? I really loved the whole idea of putting it “end of a dream”
Poster/Background : 10/10
The poster is very nice, I must say. The quotes made me open more to the story and it suits the mood.
Forewords : 8.5/10
You gave us the preview of what we’re going to read. It was pretty vague, since we didn’t know what happened at first. But it was revealed one by one through the chapters.
Plot : 14/15
Rather than using a happy ending, you ended the story with a depressing tone and mood. It is so my type. Sometimes people would expect that Soomi and Key will go back; forgive and forget. But you made it into a new world. Where the girl’s undiscovered feelings were buried inside her until the day she left them.
Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
It is original enough to me as what I stated earlier. I found the letter really beguiling and it was sad that she didn’t say much to Key in her letter. Also, Key’s real feeling wasn’t revealed. You twisted the story over, and I like it. You let people discover the real meaning inside the story. That’s something I want to see. But when Soomi left the boys was too cliché. And it looks like she knew what’s going to happen. Or she planned her death? Or she had some fatal disease?
Flow : 9/10
Very good. Despite that the fact where she left them just like that. Sometimes, keeping it too long is boring. The best way is to keep it like it’s going on. And you did it, well done.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8.5/10
Grammar and spelling mistakes are everyone’s enemy. You wont be able to get away with it unless you’re a robot or you spent the whole day or probably week, checking the same chapter again and again. You have sufficient volume of vocabularies and also direct speech.
Characterization : 10/10
Perfect. You included details about who they are, and when you pulled in another character, it didn’t disturbed your whole story/plot.
Writing style : 10/10
Easy to understand
Overall enjoyment : 5/5
I am not just doing this. I am really honest because this type of story is in my area. I love reading short and organized story. Esp. when it’s a depressing one. XD
Sub total : 92/100
Bonus : 2/5
You did this story smoothly, go BoBo~!
Total : 94/100
Good luck on the challenge.
Title : End Of a Dream
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/EndofAdream/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 5/5
I thought that you’re going to put some normal titles. But you know? I really loved the whole idea of putting it “end of a dream”
Poster/Background : 10/10
The poster is very nice, I must say. The quotes made me open more to the story and it suits the mood.
Forewords : 8.5/10
You gave us the preview of what we’re going to read. It was pretty vague, since we didn’t know what happened at first. But it was revealed one by one through the chapters.
Plot : 14/15
Rather than using a happy ending, you ended the story with a depressing tone and mood. It is so my type. Sometimes people would expect that Soomi and Key will go back; forgive and forget. But you made it into a new world. Where the girl’s undiscovered feelings were buried inside her until the day she left them.
Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
It is original enough to me as what I stated earlier. I found the letter really beguiling and it was sad that she didn’t say much to Key in her letter. Also, Key’s real feeling wasn’t revealed. You twisted the story over, and I like it. You let people discover the real meaning inside the story. That’s something I want to see. But when Soomi left the boys was too cliché. And it looks like she knew what’s going to happen. Or she planned her death? Or she had some fatal disease?
Flow : 9/10
Very good. Despite that the fact where she left them just like that. Sometimes, keeping it too long is boring. The best way is to keep it like it’s going on. And you did it, well done.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8.5/10
Grammar and spelling mistakes are everyone’s enemy. You wont be able to get away with it unless you’re a robot or you spent the whole day or probably week, checking the same chapter again and again. You have sufficient volume of vocabularies and also direct speech.
Characterization : 10/10
Perfect. You included details about who they are, and when you pulled in another character, it didn’t disturbed your whole story/plot.
Writing style : 10/10
Easy to understand
Overall enjoyment : 5/5
I am not just doing this. I am really honest because this type of story is in my area. I love reading short and organized story. Esp. when it’s a depressing one. XD
Sub total : 92/100
Bonus : 2/5
You did this story smoothly, go BoBo~!
Total : 94/100
Good luck on the challenge.
Living dreams by Patra86
Author : Patra86
Title : Living dreams
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/livingdreams/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 3.5/5
The title is calm and simple, but doesn’t really emphasize the story of two guys. Some may like it, but I prefer something different. So it can show how unique and outstanding your story is.
Poster/Background : 9/10
The poster is really hot. With the boys all together. I like how you put GD and Taeyang’s pics bigger than the others. But I deducted a point because of the color of your background. Not saying that your background didn’t match, but there’s another color that matched the whole thing accurately.
Forewords : -/10
There’s no introduction to your story. So automatically, there’s no points.
Plot : 12/15
The plot is something which hangs around winglin today. And since this is one-shots and it keeps on changing plot, I cannot really concentrate on one spot. I will have to combine all and think one by one. Some plot interests me, while others don’t.
Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
Not much to say. As I said earlier, the plot hangs around winglin. But I have to give the points to you for originality. You made the whole story long and descriptive, which is really good. Keep it up.
Flow : 10/10
The flow is great. You didn’t keep it too fast, and not too slow either. So it’s perfectly fine and clean.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 9/10
Notice that there’s some forgivable mistakes. People with flawless fan fictions doesn’t exist. Everybody does mistakes, even if it’s a small one. Come to the idea that your story is YAOI, it needs a lot of description to make people imagine what is going on between them and how they acted. And you succeeded in making me understand their actions. Why? Because you carefully inserted vocabularies as helping words so that your story wont tremble. You described things pretty good as well.
Characterization : 9/10
Good. You did include of how the boys are. Example, their works and what they are. But not much of their personality.
Writing style : 10/10
Ah.. No problem with this. It’s so easy to read.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
It’s described neatly and carefully, I can’t judge more. Notice that YAOI relationship never gained my attention. Enjoying the story depends on everyone. Some may think YAOI is very interesting, some may not. Well, for me. I’m at no one’s side.
Sub total : 78.5/90
Bonus : 2.5/5
Total : 81/90 (Because I didn’t include the 10 marks of your foreword.) = 90/100
Title : Living dreams
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/livingdreams/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 3.5/5
The title is calm and simple, but doesn’t really emphasize the story of two guys. Some may like it, but I prefer something different. So it can show how unique and outstanding your story is.
Poster/Background : 9/10
The poster is really hot. With the boys all together. I like how you put GD and Taeyang’s pics bigger than the others. But I deducted a point because of the color of your background. Not saying that your background didn’t match, but there’s another color that matched the whole thing accurately.
Forewords : -/10
There’s no introduction to your story. So automatically, there’s no points.
Plot : 12/15
The plot is something which hangs around winglin today. And since this is one-shots and it keeps on changing plot, I cannot really concentrate on one spot. I will have to combine all and think one by one. Some plot interests me, while others don’t.
Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
Not much to say. As I said earlier, the plot hangs around winglin. But I have to give the points to you for originality. You made the whole story long and descriptive, which is really good. Keep it up.
Flow : 10/10
The flow is great. You didn’t keep it too fast, and not too slow either. So it’s perfectly fine and clean.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 9/10
Notice that there’s some forgivable mistakes. People with flawless fan fictions doesn’t exist. Everybody does mistakes, even if it’s a small one. Come to the idea that your story is YAOI, it needs a lot of description to make people imagine what is going on between them and how they acted. And you succeeded in making me understand their actions. Why? Because you carefully inserted vocabularies as helping words so that your story wont tremble. You described things pretty good as well.
Characterization : 9/10
Good. You did include of how the boys are. Example, their works and what they are. But not much of their personality.
Writing style : 10/10
Ah.. No problem with this. It’s so easy to read.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
It’s described neatly and carefully, I can’t judge more. Notice that YAOI relationship never gained my attention. Enjoying the story depends on everyone. Some may think YAOI is very interesting, some may not. Well, for me. I’m at no one’s side.
Sub total : 78.5/90
Bonus : 2.5/5
Total : 81/90 (Because I didn’t include the 10 marks of your foreword.) = 90/100
Saturday, March 14, 2009
No Way Out by ChristAineXtine
Author : ChristAineXtine
Title : No Way Out
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CX_08/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 4/5
I like the title, and there’s not much problem with it. Except if I were to point correctly to your story, it is about forced marriage. It’s true that there’s no way out. The poster and the title itself said that there’s no way out. But it kind of give the impression that Ella was not even trying. She was just giving up completely.
Poster/Background : 8.5/10
Ella looks dramatic and the color is not powerful enough. It is drowned by the background. But I added marks because of the effort in making the poster by yourself.
Forewords : 6.5/10
It doesn’t tell on who Ella and Chun are in here. It tells more about Baron Chen. Why not, instead of putting the scene where they first met, put the atmosphere during her marriage. On how she was reluctant to do it, and did she even think about Chun when she decided to take up his proposal? Besides, your introduction towards the story is kind of short.
Plot : 10/15
The plot of the arranged marriage didn’t really amuse me, because all that ever happened was each side will be hurt and so on. But the way you delivered it, was fine.
Creativity/ Originality : 11/15
To say that the storyline is original, it’s not really true. Arrange marriage is common nowadays. So people expect of what’s going to happen. I am happy that your story is one-shot, or it will probably led to scandal after marriage, which is not interesting. Plus, it was really surprising on how Chun didn’t know that she was married. As if he had forgotten her completely after the break-up. And some parts were pretty cliché. Take the example on when Ella called him ‘hun’ for the last time. Don’t you think that if they still love each other, Chun will definitely get her back? But what made me like was the part when Ella felt relieved after saying that to Chun. She didn’t regret telling Chun that it will be the last time. And the end, the poem was really good. I don’t know if the other reviewers or reader thinks that it’s old-fashioned but I like the way you’re telling the whole situation by the poem.
Flow : 8/10
It is fast. I wish I could see the moment when Ella was getting married. And the part where she met Chun was also fast. I guess things change just like that, don’t they?
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
Spotted some spelling mistakes and tenses error. Some grammar errors. And the usage of Vocabulary is okay. You did use some interesting words in some places. Also, mind your direct speech. I found some regular mistakes there, such as punctuations and stuffs.
Characterization : 7/10
Stated earlier that Chun’s personality wasn’t explained clearly, so did Ella’s. So I can’t really say the characterization is perfect. But it’s good that you didn’t mess the whole characters in the content.
Writing style : 8.5/10
Easy to understand, but there’s still room for improvement. :D
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
To say that I rarely read story about Chun and Ella. Might as well say that I’m not used in seeing them going along. Although I do watch them frequently. I didn’t bore myself while reading your story
Sub total : 74.5/100
Bonus : 3/5
Wow, you have a lot of EllaChun stories. :D
Total : 77.5/100
Title : No Way Out
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CX_08/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 4/5
I like the title, and there’s not much problem with it. Except if I were to point correctly to your story, it is about forced marriage. It’s true that there’s no way out. The poster and the title itself said that there’s no way out. But it kind of give the impression that Ella was not even trying. She was just giving up completely.
Poster/Background : 8.5/10
Ella looks dramatic and the color is not powerful enough. It is drowned by the background. But I added marks because of the effort in making the poster by yourself.
Forewords : 6.5/10
It doesn’t tell on who Ella and Chun are in here. It tells more about Baron Chen. Why not, instead of putting the scene where they first met, put the atmosphere during her marriage. On how she was reluctant to do it, and did she even think about Chun when she decided to take up his proposal? Besides, your introduction towards the story is kind of short.
Plot : 10/15
The plot of the arranged marriage didn’t really amuse me, because all that ever happened was each side will be hurt and so on. But the way you delivered it, was fine.
Creativity/ Originality : 11/15
To say that the storyline is original, it’s not really true. Arrange marriage is common nowadays. So people expect of what’s going to happen. I am happy that your story is one-shot, or it will probably led to scandal after marriage, which is not interesting. Plus, it was really surprising on how Chun didn’t know that she was married. As if he had forgotten her completely after the break-up. And some parts were pretty cliché. Take the example on when Ella called him ‘hun’ for the last time. Don’t you think that if they still love each other, Chun will definitely get her back? But what made me like was the part when Ella felt relieved after saying that to Chun. She didn’t regret telling Chun that it will be the last time. And the end, the poem was really good. I don’t know if the other reviewers or reader thinks that it’s old-fashioned but I like the way you’re telling the whole situation by the poem.
Flow : 8/10
It is fast. I wish I could see the moment when Ella was getting married. And the part where she met Chun was also fast. I guess things change just like that, don’t they?
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
Spotted some spelling mistakes and tenses error. Some grammar errors. And the usage of Vocabulary is okay. You did use some interesting words in some places. Also, mind your direct speech. I found some regular mistakes there, such as punctuations and stuffs.
Characterization : 7/10
Stated earlier that Chun’s personality wasn’t explained clearly, so did Ella’s. So I can’t really say the characterization is perfect. But it’s good that you didn’t mess the whole characters in the content.
Writing style : 8.5/10
Easy to understand, but there’s still room for improvement. :D
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
To say that I rarely read story about Chun and Ella. Might as well say that I’m not used in seeing them going along. Although I do watch them frequently. I didn’t bore myself while reading your story
Sub total : 74.5/100
Bonus : 3/5
Wow, you have a lot of EllaChun stories. :D
Total : 77.5/100
Friday, March 13, 2009
Is This Love? by M&M
Title : Is This Love?
Author : M&M
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/BB_devilheart/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Mickey @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
Title: 2/5
So far, the title hasn’t fit with the story at all. When I read the title, I thought that I was going to be one of those lovely-dovely stories, but I was wrong. So far, the chapters didn’t fit with the title at all.
Poster/Background: 4/10
You had no poster so I couldn’t give you big points, but the four points is that the black matched the mood of the story. Everyone fighting at each other and all.
Forewords: 4/10
The forewords was really boring to me. I know you put a little summary of the story but it was a bit confusing to me at first. Also, when I read it will include Big Bang & DBSK, PLUS 10 more girls, I was like, “20 people as the main characters?” 20 people is a bit hard to handle.
Plot: 10/15
This plot is very unusual to me. I have read stories such as new girls and guys come and take over the school, which means pushing the previous Kingka’s and Queenka’s. But I’ve never read one where they fight all the time.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
The creativity is fine, but I can’t say much about the originality because I’ve read new people come and the old people get kicked back.
Flow: 6/10
The flow seems to being okay for now, but since the chapters are mainly all fighting with each other, I don’t know if it’s fast or slow. Plus, nothing about love is happening yet and your title is called ‘Is This Love?’
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
I’ve spotted a few mistakes, but not that much. The vocabulary seems to be overused. When I was reading the parts when they were fighting, I thought that it all seemed pretty much the same.
Characterization: 5/10
The characterization was really hard for me to understand. There are SO many characters that I have a hard time to understand what each one of them are thinking. Also, DBSK + BIG BANG & Night Fire + Love Queens always fight, so I can’t tell about their characterization at all.
Writing Style: 5/10
Your writing style was really hard for me to understand. When they were fighting or talking, I had to re-read over and over again to understand.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Honestly, I’m not enjoying your story that much. Maybe because nothings really happening, except fighting.
Sub Total: 56/100
Bonus: 5/5
These are just free points !
Good luck to your future/current stories. (=
Hope this wasn’t too harsh, but reviews are supposed to help the authors, right ?
Total: 61/100
Author : M&M
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/BB_devilheart/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Mickey @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
Title: 2/5
So far, the title hasn’t fit with the story at all. When I read the title, I thought that I was going to be one of those lovely-dovely stories, but I was wrong. So far, the chapters didn’t fit with the title at all.
Poster/Background: 4/10
You had no poster so I couldn’t give you big points, but the four points is that the black matched the mood of the story. Everyone fighting at each other and all.
Forewords: 4/10
The forewords was really boring to me. I know you put a little summary of the story but it was a bit confusing to me at first. Also, when I read it will include Big Bang & DBSK, PLUS 10 more girls, I was like, “20 people as the main characters?” 20 people is a bit hard to handle.
Plot: 10/15
This plot is very unusual to me. I have read stories such as new girls and guys come and take over the school, which means pushing the previous Kingka’s and Queenka’s. But I’ve never read one where they fight all the time.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
The creativity is fine, but I can’t say much about the originality because I’ve read new people come and the old people get kicked back.
Flow: 6/10
The flow seems to being okay for now, but since the chapters are mainly all fighting with each other, I don’t know if it’s fast or slow. Plus, nothing about love is happening yet and your title is called ‘Is This Love?’
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
I’ve spotted a few mistakes, but not that much. The vocabulary seems to be overused. When I was reading the parts when they were fighting, I thought that it all seemed pretty much the same.
Characterization: 5/10
The characterization was really hard for me to understand. There are SO many characters that I have a hard time to understand what each one of them are thinking. Also, DBSK + BIG BANG & Night Fire + Love Queens always fight, so I can’t tell about their characterization at all.
Writing Style: 5/10
Your writing style was really hard for me to understand. When they were fighting or talking, I had to re-read over and over again to understand.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Honestly, I’m not enjoying your story that much. Maybe because nothings really happening, except fighting.
Sub Total: 56/100
Bonus: 5/5
These are just free points !
Good luck to your future/current stories. (=
Hope this wasn’t too harsh, but reviews are supposed to help the authors, right ?
Total: 61/100
A.MI.GO. by DBsujuBBftiSHINee<3r // key's manoorah♡
Author : DBsujuBBftiSHINee<3r//key's manoorah♡
Title : A.MI.GO.
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/amigox/
Status : Completed.
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 4/5 The title of SHINee’s album. I can’t argue with that. I am sure many would be interested to click on it to know what’s the story all about. But the other ‘1’ mark that I deducted from the perfect score is because I don’t think the story fits perfectly with the title ‘AMIGO’. The story is more like a broken-hearted girl who was healed by someone who is willing to love her freely. Not suffering because he loved a beautiful girl. As I see, he didn’t suffer much.
Poster/Background : 8.5/10 Poster is okay, with the dark shades everywhere. But the background was patches of small pictures.
Forewords : 7/10 Ahh, at first I was really shocked to see your forewords. Why would you put their lyrics instead of a snippet of the story? Mind you that I was really looking forward to reading your fic, but after I saw your forewords with the lyrics, I lost my interest. It’s like you’re giving people the English translation. The reason why I give you the marks is because when I keep on reading your story, I slowly understand why you insist on putting the lyrics there. You wanted to tell them how he felt right? Good choice. Yet, originality from you would add more compliment to your story.
Plot : 12/15 Girl was broken hearted, met the boy. But refused to admit her feeling. Hmm, it’s pretty outstanding and beguiling. I like it, but some characters just don’t match with your plot and their personality. Besides, Kibum’s moving is just too sudden all the time.
Creativity/ Originality : 11/15 I must be truthful that the story with these two main characters are quite common. Especially when you told us that Jessica was broken-hearted and Kibum was an average-happy boy who tried to consult her. Basically, like all happy ending story, they fell in love at the end. That’s what I found in this. Obstacles appeared when Kibum entered SM entertainment, and so on. The originality is not much. But you can still improve.
Flow : 5/10 You really dragged the story too much. Starting from when Kibum had to move, met the girl and fell in love is just too sudden and quick. In a blink, to be exact. Why didn’t you mention about why Kibum wanted to be a singer, and why did he have to move everytime? I understand that he has family matters in this, but you told us that the distance between the new school and the previous school was not too far. So I didn’t really get the point of why he should move when he can always stay. Except if it involves family finance and all. Also, about Jonghyun, Minho, Taemin and Onew entering the SM entertainment altogether. Why didn’t they go with Kibum? Why do they have to wait for a year and debut that fast without training like Kibum did? Or you’re saying that they’re training while studying? But why didn’t Jessica know about this? I have a lot of questions in my mind when it came to the end.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10 You started off simple, and neat. Although not much description and large vocabularies used, you still did good AT FIRST. But slowly, I noticed something irritating. You used, “Said he” instead of “He said” or “complained she” instead of “she complained”. I’m not saying that using this type of format is faulty, but it is more to writing poems or quotes. It’s not like you’re recruiting poems here with “said he” and “said she”. Also, I would suggest you to tell more about their feelings, and elaborate more. Your story needs more elaboration.
Characterization : 7.5/10
As I said earlier, I didn’t know who is Kibum and why did he want to enter SM entertainment, also the part when he enrolled and auditioned for SM entertainment. And at Minhwan’s appearance, I was really excited. But it came to an end that Minhwan didn’t even hold a big part in this. I thought that he’s going to be the third man in the relationship, but no. He appeared and acted like he’s just a minor.
Writing style : 10/10
No problem since it’s clean and spaced out. Easy for me to read.
Overall enjoyment : 5/5
Albeit the further questions and confusions, I am here to say that I enjoyed your story very well. These past few days, I was reading tons of fanfics to review, and this is the first time I’ve ever enjoyed it. Not that I’m saying that I didn’t enjoy others, but yours is easy to read and there’s not much complication and such bother. So well done. I also wanted to thank you because your story is such a fresh start for youngsters. Simple and enjoyable.
Sub total : 76/100
Bonus : 3/5
For always appreciating your readers, and for the first time writing this fanfic. (correct me if I’m wrong)
Total : 79/100
Title : A.MI.GO.
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/amigox/
Status : Completed.
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 4/5 The title of SHINee’s album. I can’t argue with that. I am sure many would be interested to click on it to know what’s the story all about. But the other ‘1’ mark that I deducted from the perfect score is because I don’t think the story fits perfectly with the title ‘AMIGO’. The story is more like a broken-hearted girl who was healed by someone who is willing to love her freely. Not suffering because he loved a beautiful girl. As I see, he didn’t suffer much.
Poster/Background : 8.5/10 Poster is okay, with the dark shades everywhere. But the background was patches of small pictures.
Forewords : 7/10 Ahh, at first I was really shocked to see your forewords. Why would you put their lyrics instead of a snippet of the story? Mind you that I was really looking forward to reading your fic, but after I saw your forewords with the lyrics, I lost my interest. It’s like you’re giving people the English translation. The reason why I give you the marks is because when I keep on reading your story, I slowly understand why you insist on putting the lyrics there. You wanted to tell them how he felt right? Good choice. Yet, originality from you would add more compliment to your story.
Plot : 12/15 Girl was broken hearted, met the boy. But refused to admit her feeling. Hmm, it’s pretty outstanding and beguiling. I like it, but some characters just don’t match with your plot and their personality. Besides, Kibum’s moving is just too sudden all the time.
Creativity/ Originality : 11/15 I must be truthful that the story with these two main characters are quite common. Especially when you told us that Jessica was broken-hearted and Kibum was an average-happy boy who tried to consult her. Basically, like all happy ending story, they fell in love at the end. That’s what I found in this. Obstacles appeared when Kibum entered SM entertainment, and so on. The originality is not much. But you can still improve.
Flow : 5/10 You really dragged the story too much. Starting from when Kibum had to move, met the girl and fell in love is just too sudden and quick. In a blink, to be exact. Why didn’t you mention about why Kibum wanted to be a singer, and why did he have to move everytime? I understand that he has family matters in this, but you told us that the distance between the new school and the previous school was not too far. So I didn’t really get the point of why he should move when he can always stay. Except if it involves family finance and all. Also, about Jonghyun, Minho, Taemin and Onew entering the SM entertainment altogether. Why didn’t they go with Kibum? Why do they have to wait for a year and debut that fast without training like Kibum did? Or you’re saying that they’re training while studying? But why didn’t Jessica know about this? I have a lot of questions in my mind when it came to the end.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10 You started off simple, and neat. Although not much description and large vocabularies used, you still did good AT FIRST. But slowly, I noticed something irritating. You used, “Said he” instead of “He said” or “complained she” instead of “she complained”. I’m not saying that using this type of format is faulty, but it is more to writing poems or quotes. It’s not like you’re recruiting poems here with “said he” and “said she”. Also, I would suggest you to tell more about their feelings, and elaborate more. Your story needs more elaboration.
Characterization : 7.5/10
As I said earlier, I didn’t know who is Kibum and why did he want to enter SM entertainment, also the part when he enrolled and auditioned for SM entertainment. And at Minhwan’s appearance, I was really excited. But it came to an end that Minhwan didn’t even hold a big part in this. I thought that he’s going to be the third man in the relationship, but no. He appeared and acted like he’s just a minor.
Writing style : 10/10
No problem since it’s clean and spaced out. Easy for me to read.
Overall enjoyment : 5/5
Albeit the further questions and confusions, I am here to say that I enjoyed your story very well. These past few days, I was reading tons of fanfics to review, and this is the first time I’ve ever enjoyed it. Not that I’m saying that I didn’t enjoy others, but yours is easy to read and there’s not much complication and such bother. So well done. I also wanted to thank you because your story is such a fresh start for youngsters. Simple and enjoyable.
Sub total : 76/100
Bonus : 3/5
For always appreciating your readers, and for the first time writing this fanfic. (correct me if I’m wrong)
Total : 79/100
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Stuttering by bluemonkiesx~
Author : bluemonkiesx~
Title : Stuttering
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/stuttering/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 5/5
I really like the title, it suits the story. Simple, yet extraordinary. The title is not common, so the chance of you getting the readers is high.
Poster/Background : 8/10
The poster looks blended. The two main characters can’t be seen clearly, and the background disturbed the whole writing, sometimes I have to highlight it to get the exact word. However, it is still good and presentable.. Good choice of pictures.
Forewords : 6.5/10
Honestly speaking, you can easily get perfect 10 if you made your forewords a bit longer and detailed. I can see that you can keep readers with suspense and anxiousness. But foreword is the place where it confirms you to have a reader, or to make a reader leave your story if it’s not what they’re searching for.
Plot : 14/15
I loved the plot. This is something that I’m really looking forward to see. It’s fresh, and new. And why did I say that? Because you placed the reader as Seungri or Kwon JiYong, which is good. So that they can feel themselves in Seungri and JiYong.
Creativity/ Originality : 13.5/15
As I said earlier, the plot is very interesting. Yet, falling in love like that is quite common. You compressed each and every details you can get, and I am really happy to see that. It is heartwarming and sweet. You have your own idea and your own way to write the story. You didn’t bother on others’ opinion in writing and stick to your own. From there, you should know that you really deserve high marks. Your originality and creativity made your fanfic more lovable.
Flow : 10/10
I have no problem with it since it is mostly showing their feelings. So, good job.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
For being very descriptive and fluent in your story, you can be a good author. But I’ve spotted some spelling mistakes, and slight tenses error. Nonetheless, it is very enjoyable to read because of the characters’ emotions that you aroused by the description.
Characterization : 9/10
Both personalities were shown, but not enough to actually understand what they were in the story. The rest, it is good.
Writing style : 9/10
Short, clean and simple. There’s not much direct speech, and it bores me in some part. Luckily, your descriptive writing held me back from skipping the page.
Overall enjoyment : 5/5
I enjoyed it, the marks is for you.
Sub total : 88/100
Bonus : 4/5
Simply adorable and sweet. I would recommend people to read this. : D To get high mark is never easy, you will have to earn it, and not just doing it. Congratulation.
Total : 92/100
Title : Stuttering
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/stuttering/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 5/5
I really like the title, it suits the story. Simple, yet extraordinary. The title is not common, so the chance of you getting the readers is high.
Poster/Background : 8/10
The poster looks blended. The two main characters can’t be seen clearly, and the background disturbed the whole writing, sometimes I have to highlight it to get the exact word. However, it is still good and presentable.. Good choice of pictures.
Forewords : 6.5/10
Honestly speaking, you can easily get perfect 10 if you made your forewords a bit longer and detailed. I can see that you can keep readers with suspense and anxiousness. But foreword is the place where it confirms you to have a reader, or to make a reader leave your story if it’s not what they’re searching for.
Plot : 14/15
I loved the plot. This is something that I’m really looking forward to see. It’s fresh, and new. And why did I say that? Because you placed the reader as Seungri or Kwon JiYong, which is good. So that they can feel themselves in Seungri and JiYong.
Creativity/ Originality : 13.5/15
As I said earlier, the plot is very interesting. Yet, falling in love like that is quite common. You compressed each and every details you can get, and I am really happy to see that. It is heartwarming and sweet. You have your own idea and your own way to write the story. You didn’t bother on others’ opinion in writing and stick to your own. From there, you should know that you really deserve high marks. Your originality and creativity made your fanfic more lovable.
Flow : 10/10
I have no problem with it since it is mostly showing their feelings. So, good job.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
For being very descriptive and fluent in your story, you can be a good author. But I’ve spotted some spelling mistakes, and slight tenses error. Nonetheless, it is very enjoyable to read because of the characters’ emotions that you aroused by the description.
Characterization : 9/10
Both personalities were shown, but not enough to actually understand what they were in the story. The rest, it is good.
Writing style : 9/10
Short, clean and simple. There’s not much direct speech, and it bores me in some part. Luckily, your descriptive writing held me back from skipping the page.
Overall enjoyment : 5/5
I enjoyed it, the marks is for you.
Sub total : 88/100
Bonus : 4/5
Simply adorable and sweet. I would recommend people to read this. : D To get high mark is never easy, you will have to earn it, and not just doing it. Congratulation.
Total : 92/100
Sweet Seduction by Superstar
Author : Superstar
Title : Sweet Seduction R
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/LL_super3/
Status : On-Going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 4/5
Good, an equal meaning to what you’re going to tell. But since this is a BI relationship, it kind of lost its power there.
Poster/Background : 3/10
Points for the readable font, controlled colors. But not much attraction because of the blue background, with blue links. Poster makes reader’s day brighter. : D (I know that maybe you dont know which to put since the pairings are not fixed. But random pictures will be nice too ^^)
Forewords : 4/10
Too short. I understand that this is an apply fic. But there’s no impossibilities in making the readers experience of what they’re heading. Characters included, and why lust appeared between them. Why a BI relationship? Why not normal? Is it because of their past, or maybe because they’re born to be together? There’s so much that you can put in.
Plot : 11/15
Plot is okay, since this is 'one-shots', and the storyline is simple. I can’t say that it is fairly unique or original. But what makes it interesting is the way you’re telling it to your readers.
Creativity/ Originality : 11/15
As I said earlier, this is 'one-shots'. And the idea may come from you and your readers. In each and every one shots, I found that there’s no particular reason on how they met and why do they fall in love. I want to know WHY they want to be together with the same sex.
Flow : 8/10
A little too fast. You drag it quickly, as if you’re just concentrating on the ‘making-out’ session. More introduction would be nice, so it’ll add up curiousity among the readers. The first chapter was okay, but when it comes to the second one, it was fast. Changmin and Micky were doing it too soon, just after they had the dinner. Why not tell us about their dinner conversation, and what makes them impatient to do it?
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8.5/10
Let me remind you that in rated story, descriptive piece of work is needed. This makes the readers understand more, and can imagine what is happening. If they succeeded in putting your piece of writing into a film in their minds, then congratulations, you’re good at describing the ‘making-out’ session. -Or even the rest. Vocabulary used is good enough. Well done.
Characterization : 9/10
Again, this involves only two person, and that’s fine. But each character has his own personality right? Describe more about him, what he does regularly and what position does he hold in the story.
Writing style : 9.5/10
It was better this time, you spaced it out and make sure it is clean and neat. Some packed conversation can still be seen. That’s okay, cause you’re getting better.
Overall enjoyment : 4/5
Yes, I did enjoy it -partly. Although I’m not really “same sex” fan. I rarely read YAOI, cause sometimes I feel weird reading it. I could enjoy more if they didn’t jump directly into ‘that’.
Sub total : 72/100
Bonus : 2/5
Total : 74/100
Title : Sweet Seduction R
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/LL_super3/
Status : On-Going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 4/5
Good, an equal meaning to what you’re going to tell. But since this is a BI relationship, it kind of lost its power there.
Poster/Background : 3/10
Points for the readable font, controlled colors. But not much attraction because of the blue background, with blue links. Poster makes reader’s day brighter. : D (I know that maybe you dont know which to put since the pairings are not fixed. But random pictures will be nice too ^^)
Forewords : 4/10
Too short. I understand that this is an apply fic. But there’s no impossibilities in making the readers experience of what they’re heading. Characters included, and why lust appeared between them. Why a BI relationship? Why not normal? Is it because of their past, or maybe because they’re born to be together? There’s so much that you can put in.
Plot : 11/15
Plot is okay, since this is 'one-shots', and the storyline is simple. I can’t say that it is fairly unique or original. But what makes it interesting is the way you’re telling it to your readers.
Creativity/ Originality : 11/15
As I said earlier, this is 'one-shots'. And the idea may come from you and your readers. In each and every one shots, I found that there’s no particular reason on how they met and why do they fall in love. I want to know WHY they want to be together with the same sex.
Flow : 8/10
A little too fast. You drag it quickly, as if you’re just concentrating on the ‘making-out’ session. More introduction would be nice, so it’ll add up curiousity among the readers. The first chapter was okay, but when it comes to the second one, it was fast. Changmin and Micky were doing it too soon, just after they had the dinner. Why not tell us about their dinner conversation, and what makes them impatient to do it?
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8.5/10
Let me remind you that in rated story, descriptive piece of work is needed. This makes the readers understand more, and can imagine what is happening. If they succeeded in putting your piece of writing into a film in their minds, then congratulations, you’re good at describing the ‘making-out’ session. -Or even the rest. Vocabulary used is good enough. Well done.
Characterization : 9/10
Again, this involves only two person, and that’s fine. But each character has his own personality right? Describe more about him, what he does regularly and what position does he hold in the story.
Writing style : 9.5/10
It was better this time, you spaced it out and make sure it is clean and neat. Some packed conversation can still be seen. That’s okay, cause you’re getting better.
Overall enjoyment : 4/5
Yes, I did enjoy it -partly. Although I’m not really “same sex” fan. I rarely read YAOI, cause sometimes I feel weird reading it. I could enjoy more if they didn’t jump directly into ‘that’.
Sub total : 72/100
Bonus : 2/5
Total : 74/100
Monday, March 9, 2009
If I Were Your Heartbeat by Pink Princess
Title : If I Were Your Heartbeat
Author : Pink Princess
URL : www.winglin.net/fanfic/PinkPrincess
Status : Completed.
Reviewer : Mickey @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
Title: 4/5
I thought that the title fit perfectly with the story. With Anna and Sungmin always staying by each others side through life or death.
Poster/Background: 4/10
You didn’t have a poster nor a background, so can’t give you high points, although I thought that the background color was a good color choice. You chose a dark-shady color, which went great with the story, and the font also matched with the background color.
Forewords: 5/10
It’s great that you gave a summary and quotes, so that the readers can get hooked on. Although, you didn’t give descriptions to the characters, but I understand since this is a one-shot and not a short story/long story , but it’s still nice to add descriptions.
Plot: 14/15
I have to give it to you, I’ve never read a story like this. Of all the stories that I’ve read, this is the first I come across a plot like this. I loved this plot, Good Job !
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
The creativity was great. Like I said before, I’ve never read a plot like this, so that’s a good thing.
Flow: 7/10
The flow was actually in the middle. I can’t say it went too fast or too slow. You made the story go at a great pace, which doesn’t make the readers go, ‘GAWD.’ It didn’t feel rushed, and you made it go at a great pace in one chapter.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/10
I have to say, I was impressed by all the vocabularies you used. You didn’t use boring words, but instead used big words, so then it doesn’t seem too boring. You didn’t use that much repeats of any words, which is good as well. Your spelling and grammar errors, were perfect. I don’t think I spotted any mistakes.
Characterization: 5/10
Again, the characterization was a bit unknown to me. I wasn’t able to tell anything about Anna and Sungmin. But the way the talked gave away hints of what they were like and stuff.
Writing Style: 8/10
Your writing was really neat and very understandable. I was able to understand everything that you wrote without any confusions.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
Overall, I did enjoy it. It was nice to see a new plot. Something new and unique !
Sub Total: 74/100
Bonus: 5/5
Congratulations ! You have a new reader ; me !I look forward to reading your stories. (:
Total: 79/100
Author : Pink Princess
URL : www.winglin.net/fanfic/PinkPrincess
Status : Completed.
Reviewer : Mickey @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
Title: 4/5
I thought that the title fit perfectly with the story. With Anna and Sungmin always staying by each others side through life or death.
Poster/Background: 4/10
You didn’t have a poster nor a background, so can’t give you high points, although I thought that the background color was a good color choice. You chose a dark-shady color, which went great with the story, and the font also matched with the background color.
Forewords: 5/10
It’s great that you gave a summary and quotes, so that the readers can get hooked on. Although, you didn’t give descriptions to the characters, but I understand since this is a one-shot and not a short story/long story , but it’s still nice to add descriptions.
Plot: 14/15
I have to give it to you, I’ve never read a story like this. Of all the stories that I’ve read, this is the first I come across a plot like this. I loved this plot, Good Job !
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
The creativity was great. Like I said before, I’ve never read a plot like this, so that’s a good thing.
Flow: 7/10
The flow was actually in the middle. I can’t say it went too fast or too slow. You made the story go at a great pace, which doesn’t make the readers go, ‘GAWD.’ It didn’t feel rushed, and you made it go at a great pace in one chapter.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/10
I have to say, I was impressed by all the vocabularies you used. You didn’t use boring words, but instead used big words, so then it doesn’t seem too boring. You didn’t use that much repeats of any words, which is good as well. Your spelling and grammar errors, were perfect. I don’t think I spotted any mistakes.
Characterization: 5/10
Again, the characterization was a bit unknown to me. I wasn’t able to tell anything about Anna and Sungmin. But the way the talked gave away hints of what they were like and stuff.
Writing Style: 8/10
Your writing was really neat and very understandable. I was able to understand everything that you wrote without any confusions.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
Overall, I did enjoy it. It was nice to see a new plot. Something new and unique !
Sub Total: 74/100
Bonus: 5/5
Congratulations ! You have a new reader ; me !I look forward to reading your stories. (:
Total: 79/100
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The Love Below by Superstar
Author : Superstar
Title : The Love Below
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/LL_super2/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 3/5
I like the title. It tells different stories of every couples.
Poster/Background : 4/10
There’s no poster, and the thick blue background doesn’t suit the mood. Blue seems hyperactive. And it’s too plain.
Forewords : 2/10
I cannot give much points here because you didn’t tell us the teaser/storyline of this. Tiny introduction of the characters won’t help much because your readers want to know what’s going to happen.
Plot : 12/15
It was fine. Each and one of them with their own partner. Maybe because of the lack of the presence of introduction, it didn’t give me the whole idea of the story.
Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
Well done! You do have your own idea and how to play with the characters. But there’s still something to work on. I cannot say it is perfect. I just can say that you had put your endless effort in satisfying your readers and also doing the best out of yourself. Not much to comment though. I guess you know the basic idea right?
Flow : 9/10
Flow was good, but don’t rely too much on the flashback. : D
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
There’s not much description. The usage of words is enough. But I don’t think you have sufficient vocabulary in your description. Work on this, I believe you can get a better result. This area is one of the important assets in every fanfic. It will affect your reader’s reaction towards your fanfic.
Characterization : 8/10
They are okay, since they can work with each other. But sometimes it confuses me on their partners. You should have at least some main characters to concentrate on and minors helping them. All over, it was okay.
Writing style : 6/10
Please make a space between their conversation, or they will be packed together. This is really hard to read and it bores people.
Example-
Jae-Ha stood in the kitchen,practicing her musical notes."Oohh.aaahh....o-ooh.aaaahh..AAHHHHAAHH""Jae-Ha,please,not this morning."Minho said,rubbing his ears.He swore there was blood leaking out."Minho how dare you.Do you know how important it is that I have the perfect voice to win Singer's Bowl.I have to beat MinYoung.I have to."Minho walked over to Jae-Ha and gave her a hug."Jae-Ha,winning isn't everything.All I really care about is you are happy,and you don't break our china set."Jae-Ha chuckled a little,and Minho's phone rung."Yeoboseyo...uh-huh...okay...sigh....all right...""Jae-Ha,I have to go.Be safe,okay."Minho kissed Jae-Ha on the forehead and took off,leaving his fine china vulnerable
Replaced- (Few changes)
Jae-Ha stood in the kitchen, practicing her musical notes.
"Oohh.aaahh...o-ooh.aaaahh..AAHHHHAAHH"
"Jae-Ha, please, not this morning." Minho said, rubbing his ears and was feeling a little betrayed by the mood. He swore there was blood leaking out.
"Minho how dare you! Do you know how important it is that I have the perfect voice to win Singer's Bowl. I have to beat MinYoung. I have to." Jae-Ha pressured herself, wanting really bad to win.
Minho walked over to Jae-Ha and gave her a hug.
"Jae-Ha, winning isn't everything. All I really care about is you are happy, and you don't break our china set." Minho retorted under his breath, almost inaudible but can be heard by Jae-Ha.
Jae-Ha chuckled a little, and Minho's phone rung.
"Yeoboseyo...uh-huh...okay...sigh...all right..." Minho stopped and turned his view back to Jae-Ha.
"Jae-Ha, I have to go. Be safe, okay." Minho kissed her on the forehead, stealing a last glimpse of her and took off. Leaving his fine china vulnerable.
It is neater when you spaced it out.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
There are some chapters I had to roll my eyes on, because of the packed conversation and the flashback. I want you to show what‘s going on, PLAY the flashback. Don’t just recall back on what had happened.
Sub total : 66/100
Bonus : 3/5
For your effort. :D fighting! You can do it!
Total : 69/100
Title : The Love Below
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/LL_super2/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 3/5
I like the title. It tells different stories of every couples.
Poster/Background : 4/10
There’s no poster, and the thick blue background doesn’t suit the mood. Blue seems hyperactive. And it’s too plain.
Forewords : 2/10
I cannot give much points here because you didn’t tell us the teaser/storyline of this. Tiny introduction of the characters won’t help much because your readers want to know what’s going to happen.
Plot : 12/15
It was fine. Each and one of them with their own partner. Maybe because of the lack of the presence of introduction, it didn’t give me the whole idea of the story.
Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
Well done! You do have your own idea and how to play with the characters. But there’s still something to work on. I cannot say it is perfect. I just can say that you had put your endless effort in satisfying your readers and also doing the best out of yourself. Not much to comment though. I guess you know the basic idea right?
Flow : 9/10
Flow was good, but don’t rely too much on the flashback. : D
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
There’s not much description. The usage of words is enough. But I don’t think you have sufficient vocabulary in your description. Work on this, I believe you can get a better result. This area is one of the important assets in every fanfic. It will affect your reader’s reaction towards your fanfic.
Characterization : 8/10
They are okay, since they can work with each other. But sometimes it confuses me on their partners. You should have at least some main characters to concentrate on and minors helping them. All over, it was okay.
Writing style : 6/10
Please make a space between their conversation, or they will be packed together. This is really hard to read and it bores people.
Example-
Jae-Ha stood in the kitchen,practicing her musical notes."Oohh.aaahh....o-ooh.aaaahh..AAHHHHAAHH""Jae-Ha,please,not this morning."Minho said,rubbing his ears.He swore there was blood leaking out."Minho how dare you.Do you know how important it is that I have the perfect voice to win Singer's Bowl.I have to beat MinYoung.I have to."Minho walked over to Jae-Ha and gave her a hug."Jae-Ha,winning isn't everything.All I really care about is you are happy,and you don't break our china set."Jae-Ha chuckled a little,and Minho's phone rung."Yeoboseyo...uh-huh...okay...sigh....all right...""Jae-Ha,I have to go.Be safe,okay."Minho kissed Jae-Ha on the forehead and took off,leaving his fine china vulnerable
Replaced- (Few changes)
Jae-Ha stood in the kitchen, practicing her musical notes.
"Oohh.aaahh...o-ooh.aaaahh..AAHHHHAAHH"
"Jae-Ha, please, not this morning." Minho said, rubbing his ears and was feeling a little betrayed by the mood. He swore there was blood leaking out.
"Minho how dare you! Do you know how important it is that I have the perfect voice to win Singer's Bowl. I have to beat MinYoung. I have to." Jae-Ha pressured herself, wanting really bad to win.
Minho walked over to Jae-Ha and gave her a hug.
"Jae-Ha, winning isn't everything. All I really care about is you are happy, and you don't break our china set." Minho retorted under his breath, almost inaudible but can be heard by Jae-Ha.
Jae-Ha chuckled a little, and Minho's phone rung.
"Yeoboseyo...uh-huh...okay...sigh...all right..." Minho stopped and turned his view back to Jae-Ha.
"Jae-Ha, I have to go. Be safe, okay." Minho kissed her on the forehead, stealing a last glimpse of her and took off. Leaving his fine china vulnerable.
It is neater when you spaced it out.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
There are some chapters I had to roll my eyes on, because of the packed conversation and the flashback. I want you to show what‘s going on, PLAY the flashback. Don’t just recall back on what had happened.
Sub total : 66/100
Bonus : 3/5
For your effort. :D fighting! You can do it!
Total : 69/100
My son's God-Parents by xiaoen
Title : My son's God-Parents
Author : xiaoen
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/xiaoenx333
Status : Completed.
Reviewer : Imperfection.x3 @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
Title: 3/5
The title would and could be better without the hearts and The Beginning Letters capitalized. The Title to me didnt fit very well, it would if it was in Gui Gui's or Wang Zi's POV, get what I'm saying?
Poster/Background: 7/10
The poster was okay. Just too many pictures.The font with the backround hurt my eyes. o.o
But the poster fitted the story. :D
Forewords: 8/10
It was just an introduction of the characters. It didn't grasp my interest very well, but if you would put a little summary you'd be good to go! ^-^
Plot: 14/15
The god parents falling in love. Not very common from what I read, I like it.
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
-GASP- 13?! Unlucky number? Actually it's a lucky number in this situation.
It's pretty unique.
Flow: 7/10
Dang, that was fast, the chapters were short. -.-"
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
You need some improvement in grammar.
Characterisation: 10/10
You did well, young grasshopper ><
Writing Style: 7/10
Hard to understand.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It was ohkay.
Sub Total: 73/100
Bonus: 4/5
I love GuiWang and XiaoJies. ^-^
Total: 77/100
Author : xiaoen
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/xiaoenx333
Status : Completed.
Reviewer : Imperfection.x3 @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
Title: 3/5
The title would and could be better without the hearts and The Beginning Letters capitalized. The Title to me didnt fit very well, it would if it was in Gui Gui's or Wang Zi's POV, get what I'm saying?
Poster/Background: 7/10
The poster was okay. Just too many pictures.The font with the backround hurt my eyes. o.o
But the poster fitted the story. :D
Forewords: 8/10
It was just an introduction of the characters. It didn't grasp my interest very well, but if you would put a little summary you'd be good to go! ^-^
Plot: 14/15
The god parents falling in love. Not very common from what I read, I like it.
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
-GASP- 13?! Unlucky number? Actually it's a lucky number in this situation.
It's pretty unique.
Flow: 7/10
Dang, that was fast, the chapters were short. -.-"
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
You need some improvement in grammar.
Characterisation: 10/10
You did well, young grasshopper ><
Writing Style: 7/10
Hard to understand.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It was ohkay.
Sub Total: 73/100
Bonus: 4/5
I love GuiWang and XiaoJies. ^-^
Total: 77/100
I Hate You! But I love You by Charco
Author : Charco
Title : I Hate You! But I love You
Link : www.winglin.net/fanfic/Charco/
Status : On-Going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 3.5/5
All I can say is… It surprises people with two sided emotions. It’s like, you’re not expecting to fall in love with that certain person. And the feeling of confusion in love appears in this story.
Poster/Background : 6/10
I’m giving you point because your text is readable. But try to request a poster to complete your fanfic’s appearance, okay? (I see you request a poster from Phebs, don’t worry, she’s a good designer.)
Forewords : 4/10
The foreword is too short. Might as well say that it’s only characters’ introduction. You didn’t tell us about how the story will go. And I was quite confused with the last two sentences. You can start with why do they hate each other, but at the same time, they achieved a liking too. Also, you can put in more teasers of the story, or you can even put a twist of suspense in it.
Plot : 10/15
I don’t quite get the plot. All I know is, Yoochun and Heechul as the top guys in this story. With Heechul as the basketball player and Yoochun as a pianist. This is maybe due to the length of the story, which is short. And maybe because it is not completed yet, so I can’t really judge.
Creativity/ Originality : 10/15
Hmm, I’ve seen many stories about the players and such. But still, I think you’re doing okay. Except for the fact that I don’t really catch on with what you’re trying to tell us. I like on the idea of the ‘Sarang Coffee’ shop, and the relations between ahjumma and Heechul. If you want, you can explain or go deeper in this. Because I found this part really amusing than the others. Cut down the unimportant things and add in more eventful points in the story. I know you have the idea, but you just don’t know how to tell the readers right? You seem to have so much to tell, and a teensy humor to share with your readers. Practice on the writing more, you will technically get it in your next attempt.
Flow : 6/10
Sorry, the flow was too fast. You jumped from one scene to another. Take the time where she got hit by a ball, and the nurse’s office, and then they skipped classes and she had to go to her dance practice. You didn’t stay on one scene and describe more about the surrounding, or how the person was feeling. In fact, you directly pulled another new happening. Avoid this, or you will eventually lose your ideas and how you can interact with the characters.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Let’s talk about your spelling first.. Spelling mistakes, I detected many. I know this is the common problem people always do, but try to minimize the errors. Try to be descriptive in your writing, example on how she felt when Yoochun played the piano. Yoochun’s emotion when he was pressing the key. How the characters look like. Seeing your story, there are many things you can conclude, and delude. And if you can pass this, I believe you can create a very wonderful story.
Characterization : 9/10
Not much problem with the characters though. The characters are simple, and they don’t give me headache. I don’t know on how it is going to be in your upcoming chapters. Since you said that you’re going to put in more minors. Otherwise, well done.
Writing style : 7.5/10
Simple, understandable, but spelling mistakes are making their way. There are rooms for improvements.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
I cannot say that I fully enjoy this, since the early chapters confused me, and this story is incomplete/on-going. But I see that you have your own potential. Go on with it, best of luck!
Sub total : 65/100
Bonus : 2/5
For leaving a message in every chapter so that your leader won’t lose their tracks.
Total : 67/100
Title : I Hate You! But I love You
Link : www.winglin.net/fanfic/Charco/
Status : On-Going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 3.5/5
All I can say is… It surprises people with two sided emotions. It’s like, you’re not expecting to fall in love with that certain person. And the feeling of confusion in love appears in this story.
Poster/Background : 6/10
I’m giving you point because your text is readable. But try to request a poster to complete your fanfic’s appearance, okay? (I see you request a poster from Phebs, don’t worry, she’s a good designer.)
Forewords : 4/10
The foreword is too short. Might as well say that it’s only characters’ introduction. You didn’t tell us about how the story will go. And I was quite confused with the last two sentences. You can start with why do they hate each other, but at the same time, they achieved a liking too. Also, you can put in more teasers of the story, or you can even put a twist of suspense in it.
Plot : 10/15
I don’t quite get the plot. All I know is, Yoochun and Heechul as the top guys in this story. With Heechul as the basketball player and Yoochun as a pianist. This is maybe due to the length of the story, which is short. And maybe because it is not completed yet, so I can’t really judge.
Creativity/ Originality : 10/15
Hmm, I’ve seen many stories about the players and such. But still, I think you’re doing okay. Except for the fact that I don’t really catch on with what you’re trying to tell us. I like on the idea of the ‘Sarang Coffee’ shop, and the relations between ahjumma and Heechul. If you want, you can explain or go deeper in this. Because I found this part really amusing than the others. Cut down the unimportant things and add in more eventful points in the story. I know you have the idea, but you just don’t know how to tell the readers right? You seem to have so much to tell, and a teensy humor to share with your readers. Practice on the writing more, you will technically get it in your next attempt.
Flow : 6/10
Sorry, the flow was too fast. You jumped from one scene to another. Take the time where she got hit by a ball, and the nurse’s office, and then they skipped classes and she had to go to her dance practice. You didn’t stay on one scene and describe more about the surrounding, or how the person was feeling. In fact, you directly pulled another new happening. Avoid this, or you will eventually lose your ideas and how you can interact with the characters.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Let’s talk about your spelling first.. Spelling mistakes, I detected many. I know this is the common problem people always do, but try to minimize the errors. Try to be descriptive in your writing, example on how she felt when Yoochun played the piano. Yoochun’s emotion when he was pressing the key. How the characters look like. Seeing your story, there are many things you can conclude, and delude. And if you can pass this, I believe you can create a very wonderful story.
Characterization : 9/10
Not much problem with the characters though. The characters are simple, and they don’t give me headache. I don’t know on how it is going to be in your upcoming chapters. Since you said that you’re going to put in more minors. Otherwise, well done.
Writing style : 7.5/10
Simple, understandable, but spelling mistakes are making their way. There are rooms for improvements.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
I cannot say that I fully enjoy this, since the early chapters confused me, and this story is incomplete/on-going. But I see that you have your own potential. Go on with it, best of luck!
Sub total : 65/100
Bonus : 2/5
For leaving a message in every chapter so that your leader won’t lose their tracks.
Total : 67/100
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Forbidden by M&M
Title : Forbidden
Author : M&M
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Forbidden
Status : On-going.
Reviewer : Anna @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa and has nothing against each other. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 3/5
It is okay to match it with the story. But not sufficient enough to grab reader’s attention. You may one to add more words, or even emphasize it with another stronger vocabulary.
Poster/Background : 8.5/10
Nice choice of choosing Big Bang’s picture. They look really hot and ‘Gangster much’? BUT, the color is too dark and it doesn’t lift up the mood. It seems like the boys are drowned over the black color.. Anyway, your poster is still lovely.
Forewords : 7/10
You did put a few snippets of what’s going to happen.. But you concentrated more on the ‘Applying things’ than the whole plot of the story. It is better if you elaborate it longer, or even make a few interesting entrance. Such as slipping a bit of the TOP secret the boys were holding. Or maybe you can tell us about why the girls wanted to be spies and so on. Forewords is a very, very important source of attraction. If you happen to have weak attention to this, you may make readers go in and out of your fanfic just like that.
Plot : 12.5/15
Interesting, I like the idea of how they are trained to do everything, but not to fall in love. Also, the idea of bringing Queenkas is not so bad either. It’s just that the girls are too perfect here.. Perfect and flawless. It makes me feel like they’re robots. But it was surprising when the guys are already making friends with them (Or even come to a liking) in just a short period. However, I can see that you’re putting so much effort to make up a good plot. Salute you for that..
Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
Mind if I press something here? The originality of this story has rapidly decreased due to many of us now (I’m not just referring to a person, it’s the public) trying to do the same thing as ‘Spies’ and ‘Undercover’. It may look cool at first, but towards the end, annoyance may occur. Imagine if all of us started to write a story about ‘Spies’, ‘undercover’, and ‘falling in love’. I don’t think that it’s a good idea.. What I like about your fanfic is, the craziness made by the Big Bang boys and how the girls tried to rub in and off. The creativity is okay. As I noticed earlier, you were doing a great job out there to satisfy your reader and also to concentrate on the story. And you tried to change some bits of the girls’ lifestyle to the normal gangster boys’ lifestyle..
Flow : 8.5/10
The flow, you drag it too fast in the introducing part. On how the boys came to like the girl. But you managed it well. Good job!
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 7/10
First, the usage of vocabulary, I spotted a few irrelevant vocabulary in the wrong sentence. Second, spelling mistakes and tenses. Spelling, it’s not that many, just a few. Remember to check them again before posting it. Tenses, don’t worry, all of us is imperfect. We tend to do simple mistakes that we cannot see, but the others can. That’s the use of requesting a review right? You’re actually really good, and can make an awesome fan fiction if you know how to play with your words. Just a few suggestions, as you see, your story is relevant to ‘Spies’ and all. It would be really good if you make your story more descriptive, with tons and tons of simple vocabularies.
Characterization : 8.5/10
Ahh.. Big bang, girls and a few minors. But that’s okay. It doesn’t really disturb the content -for now. Interaction between them is smooth-flowing, and just fine.
Writing style : 8/10
Nice, and easy to understand. And it is not hard to read. But it is not really good to put play script there. Somehow, it destroyed your writing style.
Overall enjoyment : 4/5
I did enjoy the story, and I am sure your readers too. Just make sure that you won’t abandon this story or your fans will go crazy.
Sub total : 79/100
Bonus : 3.5/5
Work hard on your next fan fiction. You can do well! Good luck! :D and HI M&M : D : D (Sudden character change) XD
Total : 82.5/100
Author : M&M
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Forbidden
Status : On-going.
Reviewer : Anna @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa and has nothing against each other. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 3/5
It is okay to match it with the story. But not sufficient enough to grab reader’s attention. You may one to add more words, or even emphasize it with another stronger vocabulary.
Poster/Background : 8.5/10
Nice choice of choosing Big Bang’s picture. They look really hot and ‘Gangster much’? BUT, the color is too dark and it doesn’t lift up the mood. It seems like the boys are drowned over the black color.. Anyway, your poster is still lovely.
Forewords : 7/10
You did put a few snippets of what’s going to happen.. But you concentrated more on the ‘Applying things’ than the whole plot of the story. It is better if you elaborate it longer, or even make a few interesting entrance. Such as slipping a bit of the TOP secret the boys were holding. Or maybe you can tell us about why the girls wanted to be spies and so on. Forewords is a very, very important source of attraction. If you happen to have weak attention to this, you may make readers go in and out of your fanfic just like that.
Plot : 12.5/15
Interesting, I like the idea of how they are trained to do everything, but not to fall in love. Also, the idea of bringing Queenkas is not so bad either. It’s just that the girls are too perfect here.. Perfect and flawless. It makes me feel like they’re robots. But it was surprising when the guys are already making friends with them (Or even come to a liking) in just a short period. However, I can see that you’re putting so much effort to make up a good plot. Salute you for that..
Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
Mind if I press something here? The originality of this story has rapidly decreased due to many of us now (I’m not just referring to a person, it’s the public) trying to do the same thing as ‘Spies’ and ‘Undercover’. It may look cool at first, but towards the end, annoyance may occur. Imagine if all of us started to write a story about ‘Spies’, ‘undercover’, and ‘falling in love’. I don’t think that it’s a good idea.. What I like about your fanfic is, the craziness made by the Big Bang boys and how the girls tried to rub in and off. The creativity is okay. As I noticed earlier, you were doing a great job out there to satisfy your reader and also to concentrate on the story. And you tried to change some bits of the girls’ lifestyle to the normal gangster boys’ lifestyle..
Flow : 8.5/10
The flow, you drag it too fast in the introducing part. On how the boys came to like the girl. But you managed it well. Good job!
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 7/10
First, the usage of vocabulary, I spotted a few irrelevant vocabulary in the wrong sentence. Second, spelling mistakes and tenses. Spelling, it’s not that many, just a few. Remember to check them again before posting it. Tenses, don’t worry, all of us is imperfect. We tend to do simple mistakes that we cannot see, but the others can. That’s the use of requesting a review right? You’re actually really good, and can make an awesome fan fiction if you know how to play with your words. Just a few suggestions, as you see, your story is relevant to ‘Spies’ and all. It would be really good if you make your story more descriptive, with tons and tons of simple vocabularies.
Characterization : 8.5/10
Ahh.. Big bang, girls and a few minors. But that’s okay. It doesn’t really disturb the content -for now. Interaction between them is smooth-flowing, and just fine.
Writing style : 8/10
Nice, and easy to understand. And it is not hard to read. But it is not really good to put play script there. Somehow, it destroyed your writing style.
Overall enjoyment : 4/5
I did enjoy the story, and I am sure your readers too. Just make sure that you won’t abandon this story or your fans will go crazy.
Sub total : 79/100
Bonus : 3.5/5
Work hard on your next fan fiction. You can do well! Good luck! :D and HI M&M : D : D (Sudden character change) XD
Total : 82.5/100
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Your Mine? I'm Yours? by SaneKyo
Title : Your Mine? I'm Yours?
Author : SaneKyo
URL : www.winglin.net/fanfic/ghostielun/
Status : On-going.
Reviewer : Mickey @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
Title: 3/5
The title wasn’t so attention grabbing to me. It did fit with the story, but not perfectly.
Poster/Background: 4/10
When I first saw the poster, I was like, “What is this?”. It didn’t show the characters nor did it have anything that would grab the attention of the readers. All it had was Seung Ri, and I’m guessing the one he’s hugging is, Ji Yong?
Forewords: 5/10
The forwards was really boring. It didn’t have anything in it besides the pairing of the guys that you were going to write about. You should have written their personalities, or a small preview of each story.
Plot: 10/15
Honestly, I thought I was reading the same plot over and over again. Like, I thought it was practically the same thing over and over again, except with a small change of things. Also, in each story, everything was like… “I love you” & then they had sex.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
The creativity wasn’t all that great. Like I said above, I felt like I was reading the same thing over and over again but with different characters.
Flow: 6/10
I thought the flow went really fast. At first, they guys had troubles with each other and the next thing you know, they’re having sex.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
I saw a few spelling and grammar mistakes, which got in the way of me trying to understand what was going on. Especially when they were having ‘it’, I wasn’t able to understand what was going on. You should try proofreading before posting the chapters.
Characterization: 5/10
There absolutely no characterization in the stories. I wasn’t able to tell any of the guy’s personality. You should try to add some things here and there about what their personalities.
Writing Style: 6/10
Your writing style was really hard to read and understand. There were parts when I was like, “What is she trying to write?” And also, I was really confused with the P.O.V’s. Instead of writing just, “Min’s P.O.V., you should write Changmin’s P.O.V. so it’s easier to understand who’s P.O.V. it is, because at first, I thought it Sung Min & not Changmin. Not really a big fan of yaoi, so I don’t really know the name’s of the pairings.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Honestly, I didn’t enjoy the story. Like I said, I felt like I was reading the same thing over and over. It wasn’t interesting, nor was it fun for me.
Sub Total: 58/100
Bonus: 3/5
These points are for the effort you put in trying to update your story.Sorry if it was harsh, but it’s my honest opinion and hope you continue to work harder on your current/future stories ! (=
Total: 61/100
Author : SaneKyo
URL : www.winglin.net/fanfic/ghostielun/
Status : On-going.
Reviewer : Mickey @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer has nothing against the author. This is just an honest and strict review which will help the author to improve himself/herself in the next attempt of writing a story. Please do not get angry if there any unpleasant comments.
Title: 3/5
The title wasn’t so attention grabbing to me. It did fit with the story, but not perfectly.
Poster/Background: 4/10
When I first saw the poster, I was like, “What is this?”. It didn’t show the characters nor did it have anything that would grab the attention of the readers. All it had was Seung Ri, and I’m guessing the one he’s hugging is, Ji Yong?
Forewords: 5/10
The forwards was really boring. It didn’t have anything in it besides the pairing of the guys that you were going to write about. You should have written their personalities, or a small preview of each story.
Plot: 10/15
Honestly, I thought I was reading the same plot over and over again. Like, I thought it was practically the same thing over and over again, except with a small change of things. Also, in each story, everything was like… “I love you” & then they had sex.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
The creativity wasn’t all that great. Like I said above, I felt like I was reading the same thing over and over again but with different characters.
Flow: 6/10
I thought the flow went really fast. At first, they guys had troubles with each other and the next thing you know, they’re having sex.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
I saw a few spelling and grammar mistakes, which got in the way of me trying to understand what was going on. Especially when they were having ‘it’, I wasn’t able to understand what was going on. You should try proofreading before posting the chapters.
Characterization: 5/10
There absolutely no characterization in the stories. I wasn’t able to tell any of the guy’s personality. You should try to add some things here and there about what their personalities.
Writing Style: 6/10
Your writing style was really hard to read and understand. There were parts when I was like, “What is she trying to write?” And also, I was really confused with the P.O.V’s. Instead of writing just, “Min’s P.O.V., you should write Changmin’s P.O.V. so it’s easier to understand who’s P.O.V. it is, because at first, I thought it Sung Min & not Changmin. Not really a big fan of yaoi, so I don’t really know the name’s of the pairings.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Honestly, I didn’t enjoy the story. Like I said, I felt like I was reading the same thing over and over. It wasn’t interesting, nor was it fun for me.
Sub Total: 58/100
Bonus: 3/5
These points are for the effort you put in trying to update your story.Sorry if it was harsh, but it’s my honest opinion and hope you continue to work harder on your current/future stories ! (=
Total: 61/100
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