Title: The Shooting Star
Author: eternalflower
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/eternalflower
Reviewer: Lil<3Key @ i-DEAS
http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 3/5
Your title is okay, It’s not something that would stand out to me personally but it does on some level relate to your story. However, you say the lead of your story wished upon a shooting star but it didn’t really mention it during your story so the title could be classed as a bit misleading but sometimes that can be a good thing.
First Impression: 8/10
The poster was nice, although it was a bit difficult for me to read the title. The background was okay as well but it looks a bit plain in my opinion. The good thing about the presentation of this fanfic is you set the writing to white so it wasn’t hard to read on the darkish background.
Forewords: 6/10
You explained a bit about the story in general but didn’t really go into depth about the characters in it. The prologue was okay but I did begin to lose interest half way through reading it.
Plot: 8/15
The plot wasn’t really anything new to me. The situation of the two leads liking each other but stuck in a friendship relationship has been used many times before but you character’s did have their own personalities, personalities that were completely different to one another so that give the plot a certain edge to it. I also liked how things kept getting in the way of them confessing, mostly the broken phone.
Creativity/Originality: 9/15
Again, your characters are what did it for me. In most Jaejoong stories I have read, Jaejoong is often portrayed as the bad playboy type but in your fanfic he was something different which I found refreshing.
Flow: 7/10
Through out your story, the pace was fine. It was too slow and it was just right. However in later chapters you did begin to skip over certain amounts of time, For example Chapter chapter 9 had two time skips. The first time skip was 2 weeks after the confrontation and then 3 weeks leading up to graduation. I know you don’t want to spend too much time with every little detail because it would be quite boring after a while but don’t continually skip over time because things like that sometimes put readers off.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
There were a few mistakes through out the chapters of your story and I found that you sometimes got the words ‘in’ and ‘on’ mixed up with one another. However you did mention that English was not your first language in the Forewords and although there were spelling, grammar and vocabulary mistakes, I was still able to read and understand everything you were trying to get across to the readers of your story so I gave you a 6.
Characterisation: 8/10
I like how you made the main characters in your story the complete opposite of one another but somehow you made me feel like they just seem to fit together. I also noticed you mention how they are both completely different in chapter 9 and I could see that as the story progressed.
Writing Style: 7/10
Most of the time you stuck to writing it 1st person which is a writing style I find easier to read, However, some chapters you did change it to 3rd person and you changed to different points of view. I have no problem with that mostly but I did have a problem with how you swapped the POV once again without telling me. I just had to figure it out for myself who’s point of view you were writing in, which is why I deducted some points. Also in some chapters I picked up on sentences in brackets which I think you could have added into the normal text. When reading a fanfic, brackets usually put me off or distract me from the sentence I was initially reading.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I really liked this fanfic because of the unique characters portrayed in it and with a bit more spell checking you’re likely to improve. Good work! XD
Sub Total: 65/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 69/100
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Trust The Little Bird/Trust by ava_lava
Title: Trust The Little Bird/Trust
Author: ava_lava
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/ava_lava2/
Reviewer: LaurenLCD @ i-DEAS
http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 4.5/5
The title (Trust The Little Bird) isn't cliche. It has relevance to your story without giving the plot away like so many stories on winglin and else where. However, the poster is written as simply "Trust" and may be seen as too ambiguous or too plain to catch an audience' attention.
First Impression: 10/10
The poster is nicely done and isn't too flashy. The background combined with the font color is easy to read. As far as your writing goes, I can tell that you worked hard and maybe even edited and proof read (though some mistakes slipped through the cracks).
Forewords: 7.5/10
You gave all the required information without bogging down the reader with unnecessary comments and even gave a glimpse of your writing style with a preview. However, I felt you should have gave some background information on the characters.
Plot: 15/15
It was rather unique, especially since it was based on a true story. While star struck student meets teacher plots aren't new, this is refreshing, particularly since the teacher is married to someone that the student can't find within themselves to hate.
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
It's based on real events, so in a way it wasn't truly original, but it was definitely creative of you to fill in the blanks with little things such as the hermit crab story, the analogy of the small birds versus the big birds, etc.
Flow: 10/10
Nothing felt rushed, and nothing felt like filler to merely give a reason to say 'hai gaiz! nu update! kekeke.' Each chapter felt like it had a reason to be there and maintained a steady pace.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
You clearly have a broad vocabulary. I could tell you knew the meaning of what you were writing and wasn't just raping the thesaurus for words that you thought would seem "smart." However, there are some mistakes that were a bit careless and could have been corrected with better proof reading and editing.
Spotting the “RECEPTIONIST” sign on the other side of the chamber, I pulled my luggage along the marble floor and smiled politely at the receptionist lady.
The elevator door opened with a DING and I walked through it, eyes surveying the scene to find Room 307.
I wasn’t legible for ANYTHING until I was eighteen, apparently.
*Note: 'legible' should be eligible. There are more typos (either in spelling or context) throughout (though this is few and far between).
He was on the jury of ALL of the major piano competitions, and conducts almost EVERY single orchestra as a guest every year.
When I realized that I was the ONLY one clapping, however, my face flushed and I heard Professor Jung chuckle lightly.
*Note: It is incorrect grammar to write in all caps at any time.
1. Find out where the practice rooms are. Need I say more?
2. Start looking for a job. I only have fifty dollars at the moment.
3. Become acquainted with the school. I must be able to know the place inside-out.
4. Find out where the cafeteria is. I will be able to get my food free if I bring my student card along..
*Note: Write out the actual words one, two, three etc.
I sat in front of the piano and quickly decided on my most recent encore piece (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwc-nmyPm4I). Like Changmin, I was a fast player, but I also had technique and a large tone.
*Note: This last sentence is just one of many examples: Never insert links, Author's Notes, etc. in the middle of writing. Either separate the links as another paragraph with •OST: URL• or put them only as an author's note before the chapter begins. Author's notes should be reserved for only the end or before the beginning of a chapter. When inserted during the writing, this makes the writing appear choppy, and is distracting. Better yet, try to actually put into words the sounds of the music by using adjectives, metaphors, similes etc. If you choose not to insert links, then give the name of the song as you give description.
Characterization: 9/10
Since this was all written in first person, I didn't expect a lot of development beyond Jaejoong since we saw everything through his point of view. However, there was depth and dimension with Yunho and I could actually picture him in my mind's eye. There could have been more development between YooSu, Changmin, etc. It felt like the minor characters were only glanced through.
Writing Style: 8/10
You could have used more description of nouns and set atmosphere throughout the chapters. This is just a bit of nit picking.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
I had a couple of weeks to read it and finished it within a couple of days (though I could have finished it all in one) The ending was certainly ambiguous with the slight cliff hanger, but then, the relationship between the characters were ambiguous.
Sub Total: 89/100
Bonus: 5/5
Because as your webmistress, I like to be an encouragement. Plus, I miss DBSK as a whole (though, I'm not the type of DBSK fan that will bawl my eyes out crying 'JYJ go back to HoMin!' In a way, I pretty much prepared myself for it. I just wish that they'd either gave us closure with a final concert, or I don't know -something!). I do feel that this is incorrectly labeled however. Yaoi refers to stories with actual sexual situations. Since this didn't have any sex, it should be labeled as Shonen-Ai as to not confuse readers.
Total: 94/100
Author: ava_lava
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/ava_lava2/
Reviewer: LaurenLCD @ i-DEAS
http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 4.5/5
The title (Trust The Little Bird) isn't cliche. It has relevance to your story without giving the plot away like so many stories on winglin and else where. However, the poster is written as simply "Trust" and may be seen as too ambiguous or too plain to catch an audience' attention.
First Impression: 10/10
The poster is nicely done and isn't too flashy. The background combined with the font color is easy to read. As far as your writing goes, I can tell that you worked hard and maybe even edited and proof read (though some mistakes slipped through the cracks).
Forewords: 7.5/10
You gave all the required information without bogging down the reader with unnecessary comments and even gave a glimpse of your writing style with a preview. However, I felt you should have gave some background information on the characters.
Plot: 15/15
It was rather unique, especially since it was based on a true story. While star struck student meets teacher plots aren't new, this is refreshing, particularly since the teacher is married to someone that the student can't find within themselves to hate.
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
It's based on real events, so in a way it wasn't truly original, but it was definitely creative of you to fill in the blanks with little things such as the hermit crab story, the analogy of the small birds versus the big birds, etc.
Flow: 10/10
Nothing felt rushed, and nothing felt like filler to merely give a reason to say 'hai gaiz! nu update! kekeke.' Each chapter felt like it had a reason to be there and maintained a steady pace.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
You clearly have a broad vocabulary. I could tell you knew the meaning of what you were writing and wasn't just raping the thesaurus for words that you thought would seem "smart." However, there are some mistakes that were a bit careless and could have been corrected with better proof reading and editing.
Spotting the “RECEPTIONIST” sign on the other side of the chamber, I pulled my luggage along the marble floor and smiled politely at the receptionist lady.
The elevator door opened with a DING and I walked through it, eyes surveying the scene to find Room 307.
I wasn’t legible for ANYTHING until I was eighteen, apparently.
*Note: 'legible' should be eligible. There are more typos (either in spelling or context) throughout (though this is few and far between).
He was on the jury of ALL of the major piano competitions, and conducts almost EVERY single orchestra as a guest every year.
When I realized that I was the ONLY one clapping, however, my face flushed and I heard Professor Jung chuckle lightly.
*Note: It is incorrect grammar to write in all caps at any time.
1. Find out where the practice rooms are. Need I say more?
2. Start looking for a job. I only have fifty dollars at the moment.
3. Become acquainted with the school. I must be able to know the place inside-out.
4. Find out where the cafeteria is. I will be able to get my food free if I bring my student card along..
*Note: Write out the actual words one, two, three etc.
I sat in front of the piano and quickly decided on my most recent encore piece (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwc-nmyPm4I). Like Changmin, I was a fast player, but I also had technique and a large tone.
*Note: This last sentence is just one of many examples: Never insert links, Author's Notes, etc. in the middle of writing. Either separate the links as another paragraph with •OST: URL• or put them only as an author's note before the chapter begins. Author's notes should be reserved for only the end or before the beginning of a chapter. When inserted during the writing, this makes the writing appear choppy, and is distracting. Better yet, try to actually put into words the sounds of the music by using adjectives, metaphors, similes etc. If you choose not to insert links, then give the name of the song as you give description.
Characterization: 9/10
Since this was all written in first person, I didn't expect a lot of development beyond Jaejoong since we saw everything through his point of view. However, there was depth and dimension with Yunho and I could actually picture him in my mind's eye. There could have been more development between YooSu, Changmin, etc. It felt like the minor characters were only glanced through.
Writing Style: 8/10
You could have used more description of nouns and set atmosphere throughout the chapters. This is just a bit of nit picking.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
I had a couple of weeks to read it and finished it within a couple of days (though I could have finished it all in one) The ending was certainly ambiguous with the slight cliff hanger, but then, the relationship between the characters were ambiguous.
Sub Total: 89/100
Bonus: 5/5
Because as your webmistress, I like to be an encouragement. Plus, I miss DBSK as a whole (though, I'm not the type of DBSK fan that will bawl my eyes out crying 'JYJ go back to HoMin!' In a way, I pretty much prepared myself for it. I just wish that they'd either gave us closure with a final concert, or I don't know -something!). I do feel that this is incorrectly labeled however. Yaoi refers to stories with actual sexual situations. Since this didn't have any sex, it should be labeled as Shonen-Ai as to not confuse readers.
Total: 94/100
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Setbacks Of A Winglin Author by nom d'écran .
Title: Setbacks Of A Winglin Author
Author: nom d'écran .
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/HEEZYOO6/
Reviewer by: LaurenLCD @ i-DEAS
http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 3/5
The average reader on winglin isn't interested in commentary, unfortunately. Those who see winglin as a site with flaws and wants those flaws to be seen for what they are will be interested, however.
First Impression: 5/10
Because there was no forewords, I got the impression that you were/are a lazy writer. Maybe you don't write like this on your other forewords, but on this one, you didn't even try.
Forewords: 0/10
As stated before: You didn't even try. Forewords are a glimpse into the author's writing style before the actual writing takes place. If I hadn't skipped and gone straight to the one-shot, I would have clicked the Main Index button without a second glance because the foreword gives me my first impression of the kind of writer you are. For future stories I recommend the following format:
[Title]
[Author]
[Rating]
[Length/Chapters]
[Characters]
[summary]
[Warning]
[Disclaimer]
[Credits]
***
Character Bios:
*A few sentences each for each major character*
***
Author's Note:
*optional*
Plot: N/A/15
This one-shot wasn't about a particualar event or series of events. It was basically commentary.
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
You're not the first, and I doubt you'll be the last to write a commentary/rant about winglin. However, I've seen authors who rant about topics such as this with a bit more creativity and humor. Although, since it is a serious topic, I didn't expect to be in stitches.
Flow: 9/10
A few transitional sentences seemed a bit out of place, but for the most part, it was organized.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
You have a good vocabulary and I certainly hoped it expanded since October 2009. However, a few of your sentences are fragments. Some sentences are wordy or lack the correct punctuation.
Fragments:
1. The apply stories.
2. Genuineness.
Wordiness/Punctuation placement/etc.:
1. It all started out when one night, I snooped around my cousin's laptop and found a site I had no interest in whatsoever.
This could be changed to: It all started one night[.] I snooped around [on] my cousin's laptop, finding a site I had no interest in, whatsoever.
2. Back in 2004 when winglin was amicable[,] (Of course, not that it isn't [any]more; but every now and then, a scoundrel would come into view and revile innocent word slingers) I remember it as a site where no one cared for the cover of the book.
3. But these days, oh these days .. Boy have everyone CHANGED their view on stories.
This could be changed to: But these days... Boy, [has] everyone [changed] their view on stories.
*note: even though winglin doesn't have an italics feature and you meant to capitalize the word for emphasis, it's still incorrect grammar.
4. Because once in a blue moon in that sentence actually means every day.
This could be changed to: 'Once in a blue moon' actually means every day.
5. Poor choice of words and lack of common sense, I'm sure that at one point (if, that is, you're an author who makes apply stories) you've felt as if this person copied ['this'] from you, or that person copied ['that'] from you. I'd be a total hypocrite if I said I have never been inspired by someone else. [But,] what I don't get is why you would demand originality when for the most part, originality is dead.
Characterisation: N/A/10
Writing Style: 9/10
You were clear and didn't ramble off topic.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
For the most part, everything you've written regarding this topic is on point. I have seen such actions of the sort many times. If I may jump on the bandwagon...
Have you ever had your personality copied?
- Not to my knowledge, and even if I have, I don't care.
Have you ever been accused of copying someone else's story / plot?
- No. However, I can admit to being inspired by a story and using elements of said story. Who hasn't? Originality is dead and in an age where everything (clothes, movies, music) is remade and trends make comebacks, it's difficult to be original unless you've lived your whole life under a rock.
Have you ever had your application jocked?
- I don't make apply fics. Even if I did, there is no set rule to who can have what on their application form. If someone 'jocked' my application, I wouldn't bat an eyelash.
Have you ever been told that you don't have any writing skill?
- No. I personally think I can do better, but I'm my own worst critic.
Have you ever been bad mouthed by others?
- No, but I have friends on winglin who have. In some cases, this caused them to leave for a while (if not altogether).
Have you ever felt the need to turn your story into an apply story all because you know it's the fastest way to get comments?
- No. Comments are encouraging, but they shouldn't be the sole purpose of writing. If I wanted someone to gush over my writing on a constant basis, I have family and friends to do that without posting anything online.
Sub Total: 55/100
Bonus: 10/5
Because you said what really does need to be said.
Total: 67/100
If I didn't have to factor in the Plot and Characterization, your score would have been higher. Because I had to, you lost 25 points in addition to the forewords totalling 35 points. If you ignore the 25 points, you have 67/75, which is pretty good, but needs a bit improvement.
Author: nom d'écran .
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/HEEZYOO6/
Reviewer by: LaurenLCD @ i-DEAS
http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 3/5
The average reader on winglin isn't interested in commentary, unfortunately. Those who see winglin as a site with flaws and wants those flaws to be seen for what they are will be interested, however.
First Impression: 5/10
Because there was no forewords, I got the impression that you were/are a lazy writer. Maybe you don't write like this on your other forewords, but on this one, you didn't even try.
Forewords: 0/10
As stated before: You didn't even try. Forewords are a glimpse into the author's writing style before the actual writing takes place. If I hadn't skipped and gone straight to the one-shot, I would have clicked the Main Index button without a second glance because the foreword gives me my first impression of the kind of writer you are. For future stories I recommend the following format:
[Title]
[Author]
[Rating]
[Length/Chapters]
[Characters]
[summary]
[Warning]
[Disclaimer]
[Credits]
***
Character Bios:
*A few sentences each for each major character*
***
Author's Note:
*optional*
Plot: N/A/15
This one-shot wasn't about a particualar event or series of events. It was basically commentary.
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
You're not the first, and I doubt you'll be the last to write a commentary/rant about winglin. However, I've seen authors who rant about topics such as this with a bit more creativity and humor. Although, since it is a serious topic, I didn't expect to be in stitches.
Flow: 9/10
A few transitional sentences seemed a bit out of place, but for the most part, it was organized.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
You have a good vocabulary and I certainly hoped it expanded since October 2009. However, a few of your sentences are fragments. Some sentences are wordy or lack the correct punctuation.
Fragments:
1. The apply stories.
2. Genuineness.
Wordiness/Punctuation placement/etc.:
1. It all started out when one night, I snooped around my cousin's laptop and found a site I had no interest in whatsoever.
This could be changed to: It all started one night[.] I snooped around [on] my cousin's laptop, finding a site I had no interest in, whatsoever.
2. Back in 2004 when winglin was amicable[,] (Of course, not that it isn't [any]more; but every now and then, a scoundrel would come into view and revile innocent word slingers) I remember it as a site where no one cared for the cover of the book.
3. But these days, oh these days .. Boy have everyone CHANGED their view on stories.
This could be changed to: But these days... Boy, [has] everyone [changed] their view on stories.
*note: even though winglin doesn't have an italics feature and you meant to capitalize the word for emphasis, it's still incorrect grammar.
4. Because once in a blue moon in that sentence actually means every day.
This could be changed to: 'Once in a blue moon' actually means every day.
5. Poor choice of words and lack of common sense, I'm sure that at one point (if, that is, you're an author who makes apply stories) you've felt as if this person copied ['this'] from you, or that person copied ['that'] from you. I'd be a total hypocrite if I said I have never been inspired by someone else. [But,] what I don't get is why you would demand originality when for the most part, originality is dead.
Characterisation: N/A/10
Writing Style: 9/10
You were clear and didn't ramble off topic.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
For the most part, everything you've written regarding this topic is on point. I have seen such actions of the sort many times. If I may jump on the bandwagon...
Have you ever had your personality copied?
- Not to my knowledge, and even if I have, I don't care.
Have you ever been accused of copying someone else's story / plot?
- No. However, I can admit to being inspired by a story and using elements of said story. Who hasn't? Originality is dead and in an age where everything (clothes, movies, music) is remade and trends make comebacks, it's difficult to be original unless you've lived your whole life under a rock.
Have you ever had your application jocked?
- I don't make apply fics. Even if I did, there is no set rule to who can have what on their application form. If someone 'jocked' my application, I wouldn't bat an eyelash.
Have you ever been told that you don't have any writing skill?
- No. I personally think I can do better, but I'm my own worst critic.
Have you ever been bad mouthed by others?
- No, but I have friends on winglin who have. In some cases, this caused them to leave for a while (if not altogether).
Have you ever felt the need to turn your story into an apply story all because you know it's the fastest way to get comments?
- No. Comments are encouraging, but they shouldn't be the sole purpose of writing. If I wanted someone to gush over my writing on a constant basis, I have family and friends to do that without posting anything online.
Sub Total: 55/100
Bonus: 10/5
Because you said what really does need to be said.
Total: 67/100
If I didn't have to factor in the Plot and Characterization, your score would have been higher. Because I had to, you lost 25 points in addition to the forewords totalling 35 points. If you ignore the 25 points, you have 67/75, which is pretty good, but needs a bit improvement.
Forever and Always by iMortal
Title: Forever and Always
Author: iMortal
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/iMortal_OS01/
Reviewed by: Andi @i-DEAS
*NOTE: This review took longer than expected because reviewers from the website resigned or went on hiatus and left no notice of which reviews they had completed. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.
Title: 3/5
Eh. You could be a little more creative with the title, though it does tie in with the story. At first glance, I wouldn’t read it while browsing.
First Impression: 6/10
Oh, as ever, dear. I’m not sure if it looks different on your computer or what…but never, NEVER use a light font when using a light background. I almost didn’t want to read this because it hurt my eyes and I had to strain them to look before I gave up and copied it into Word. It’s very hard to read, and it puts off a reader from continuing on because if they can’t read it, then they’ll just close your story. And your poster should be more appealing to the eye; a long figure and a title does nothing. He even looks sad, which I’m sure is not the mood of your story.
Forewords: 8/10
Because it’s a oneshot, you can’t really say much without giving away the plot. A little bit more info on the characters would have been appreciated. I liked the sneak peek you gave as well as the genre and all the disclaimers and copyrights. I need to do that for my own stories…=_=”
Plot: 12/15
Boyfriend and girlfriend together, and a friend who likes one of them as more than a friend. You see it a lot in oneshots. It was simple, though. Not too complex where an entire backstory had to be given. Thumbs up on that.
Creativity/Originality: 11/15
Like I said above, you see it a lot. The necklace thing was cute, I’ll admit that. And pretty, too. ^^
Flow: 10/10
Flowed perfectly. Nothing wrong here.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
If you’re unsure on a lot of mechanical things such as grammar, antecedents, verb-noun agreement, etc. I’d be happy to offer you a scan of common mechanical errors and how to fix them. Hmm, I should start offering people this.
First line: The moment he sat on my table, I knew he was up to something.
It should be: The moment he sat at my table, I knew he was up to something.
(He was not sitting on the actual table, was he?)
When you finish a quote, be sure some sort of punctuation ends it. Ex: “Hyung.” Not “Hyung.”
Characterization: 8/10
These were plain characters. Nothing remotely exciting about them, save for Jonghyun who was her persistently annoying secret admirer. I would call them “static.” Make your characters a little more likable, so the audience can relate to them. Make them “dynamic.”
Writing Style: 9/10
Thank God! You separate your paragraphs. I can’t stand writers who clash everything together to make it shorter. It looks messy and disgusting. This was an easy flow.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It would have been ten times easier to enjoy if you had picked out a different font. I liked it though. Work on choosing better colors and setting the mood, and you can be an amazing writer!
Sub Total: 77/100
Bonus: 2/5
Your penname. I love it!
Total: 79/100
Author: iMortal
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/iMortal_OS01/
Reviewed by: Andi @i-DEAS
*NOTE: This review took longer than expected because reviewers from the website resigned or went on hiatus and left no notice of which reviews they had completed. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.
Title: 3/5
Eh. You could be a little more creative with the title, though it does tie in with the story. At first glance, I wouldn’t read it while browsing.
First Impression: 6/10
Oh, as ever, dear. I’m not sure if it looks different on your computer or what…but never, NEVER use a light font when using a light background. I almost didn’t want to read this because it hurt my eyes and I had to strain them to look before I gave up and copied it into Word. It’s very hard to read, and it puts off a reader from continuing on because if they can’t read it, then they’ll just close your story. And your poster should be more appealing to the eye; a long figure and a title does nothing. He even looks sad, which I’m sure is not the mood of your story.
Forewords: 8/10
Because it’s a oneshot, you can’t really say much without giving away the plot. A little bit more info on the characters would have been appreciated. I liked the sneak peek you gave as well as the genre and all the disclaimers and copyrights. I need to do that for my own stories…=_=”
Plot: 12/15
Boyfriend and girlfriend together, and a friend who likes one of them as more than a friend. You see it a lot in oneshots. It was simple, though. Not too complex where an entire backstory had to be given. Thumbs up on that.
Creativity/Originality: 11/15
Like I said above, you see it a lot. The necklace thing was cute, I’ll admit that. And pretty, too. ^^
Flow: 10/10
Flowed perfectly. Nothing wrong here.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
If you’re unsure on a lot of mechanical things such as grammar, antecedents, verb-noun agreement, etc. I’d be happy to offer you a scan of common mechanical errors and how to fix them. Hmm, I should start offering people this.
First line: The moment he sat on my table, I knew he was up to something.
It should be: The moment he sat at my table, I knew he was up to something.
(He was not sitting on the actual table, was he?)
When you finish a quote, be sure some sort of punctuation ends it. Ex: “Hyung.” Not “Hyung.”
Characterization: 8/10
These were plain characters. Nothing remotely exciting about them, save for Jonghyun who was her persistently annoying secret admirer. I would call them “static.” Make your characters a little more likable, so the audience can relate to them. Make them “dynamic.”
Writing Style: 9/10
Thank God! You separate your paragraphs. I can’t stand writers who clash everything together to make it shorter. It looks messy and disgusting. This was an easy flow.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It would have been ten times easier to enjoy if you had picked out a different font. I liked it though. Work on choosing better colors and setting the mood, and you can be an amazing writer!
Sub Total: 77/100
Bonus: 2/5
Your penname. I love it!
Total: 79/100
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Love Songs by bluemonkiesx
Author's Name: bluemonkiesx
Story Title: Love Songs
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/gdyblovesongs/
Status: Complete
Reviewer: Rox @ i-DEAS
Title: 4/5
It is rather a cliché-ish title but I love the quote/summary: All love songs are based on real life experiences. A very true quote indeed.
First Impression: 6/10
I do recommend when writing Yaoi that you write in 3rd person’s POV. One main reason is that it is a bit hard to imagine the reader reading as a boy.
Forewords: 7/10
I think you should have put a teaser/preview or a synopsis/ summary about what the fan fiction was about to give readers a bit of what to expect.
Plot: 12/15
I liked the plot especially when GD and Taeyang had an argument causing them to not talk to each other. It created this mystery of: Are they going to be with each other again? Or if the marriage is really over. It really made me keep reading on and pushing the ‘Next’ button.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Creativity was good, not that all cliché-ish.
Flow: 5/10
I would say your flash backs are confusing. What sucks about Winglin is that you can’t italicize. But I would do ***FLASHBACK*** or …….FLASHBACK……. I mean you don’t have to caps it but I would say: Don’t put [Flashback] next to the text. Also, not a whole lot of people know this but you keep shifting to 2nd POV to 3rd POV.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Chapter 1:
“Why would I joke about something like marriage? You know I’m the [hopeless] romantic, you should have believed me,” he laughs. “Now, will you answer my question?” You pause and take a deep breath, “Will you marry me, Kwon Jiyong?”
Chapter 5:
The heat coming from his body and it feels [so so so] satisfying and you wonder why you didn't do this before and you realize that you want more of his heat, need more. And so you quickly discard the remainder of your clothing along with his, and relish in the closeness and perfection that is Kwon Jiyong.
Youngbaeah, I l-love you," he moans and his voice hitches a little at the exact moment that your hand wraps [wraps] itself around his length, stroking him, teasing him, pleasing him beyond measure.
Overall, your grammar is pretty good. A lot of Compound-Complex Sentences which is pretty good but I think you can also use semicolons in some of your sentences. That’s really an option. You also had a lot of typos but not really a huge thing to worry about. I would say be careful that you don’t really repeat a lot of words. The ‘so so so’ could be subsidized as other words like ‘extremely’ or ‘very’
Characterizations: 8/10
I like how you kept it simple and straightforward instead of complicating the character’s characteristics.
Writing Style: 8/10
You have great writing style, its unique because your writing style is used for 3rd Person POV. I would say you don’t have to keep your sentences too long. You can always break them.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Sub Total: 64.5/100
Bonus: 4/5:
Your writing skills are good. Other than having trouble with you sentence structure, your choice of words is great. You had a great vocabulary. And that it’s hard to write Yaoi. I give a lot of credit to authors who write Yaoi because the majority of fanfics aren’t Yaoi.
Total: 76/100
Story Title: Love Songs
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/gdyblovesongs/
Status: Complete
Reviewer: Rox @ i-DEAS
Title: 4/5
It is rather a cliché-ish title but I love the quote/summary: All love songs are based on real life experiences. A very true quote indeed.
First Impression: 6/10
I do recommend when writing Yaoi that you write in 3rd person’s POV. One main reason is that it is a bit hard to imagine the reader reading as a boy.
Forewords: 7/10
I think you should have put a teaser/preview or a synopsis/ summary about what the fan fiction was about to give readers a bit of what to expect.
Plot: 12/15
I liked the plot especially when GD and Taeyang had an argument causing them to not talk to each other. It created this mystery of: Are they going to be with each other again? Or if the marriage is really over. It really made me keep reading on and pushing the ‘Next’ button.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Creativity was good, not that all cliché-ish.
Flow: 5/10
I would say your flash backs are confusing. What sucks about Winglin is that you can’t italicize. But I would do ***FLASHBACK*** or …….FLASHBACK……. I mean you don’t have to caps it but I would say: Don’t put [Flashback] next to the text. Also, not a whole lot of people know this but you keep shifting to 2nd POV to 3rd POV.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Chapter 1:
“Why would I joke about something like marriage? You know I’m the [hopeless] romantic, you should have believed me,” he laughs. “Now, will you answer my question?” You pause and take a deep breath, “Will you marry me, Kwon Jiyong?”
Chapter 5:
The heat coming from his body and it feels [so so so] satisfying and you wonder why you didn't do this before and you realize that you want more of his heat, need more. And so you quickly discard the remainder of your clothing along with his, and relish in the closeness and perfection that is Kwon Jiyong.
Youngbaeah, I l-love you," he moans and his voice hitches a little at the exact moment that your hand wraps [wraps] itself around his length, stroking him, teasing him, pleasing him beyond measure.
Overall, your grammar is pretty good. A lot of Compound-Complex Sentences which is pretty good but I think you can also use semicolons in some of your sentences. That’s really an option. You also had a lot of typos but not really a huge thing to worry about. I would say be careful that you don’t really repeat a lot of words. The ‘so so so’ could be subsidized as other words like ‘extremely’ or ‘very’
Characterizations: 8/10
I like how you kept it simple and straightforward instead of complicating the character’s characteristics.
Writing Style: 8/10
You have great writing style, its unique because your writing style is used for 3rd Person POV. I would say you don’t have to keep your sentences too long. You can always break them.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Sub Total: 64.5/100
Bonus: 4/5:
Your writing skills are good. Other than having trouble with you sentence structure, your choice of words is great. You had a great vocabulary. And that it’s hard to write Yaoi. I give a lot of credit to authors who write Yaoi because the majority of fanfics aren’t Yaoi.
Total: 76/100
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Once Upon A Fairytale by A I K A
Title: Once Upon A Fairytale
Author: A I K A
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/keyfairytale/
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 2.5/5
I believe it should be: ‘Once Upon a Fairy Tale’ instead of ‘Once Upon A Fairytale’
Besides that, another mark was also taken due to lack of originality? Your title gave off a slightly cliché feeling. It kind of felt like it was going to be those ‘fairy tale love stories’. I personally thought you could’ve come up with a better title.
First Impression: 8.5/10
Your poster has a unique style, but somehow it didn’t really catch my interest. Although I will give you credit for making the poster and background yourself. I loved the colours.
Forewords: 10/10
It was interesting and probably one of the best forewords I’ve ever read. Great job! Also, as I was reading on, your forewords made more sense.
Plot: 13/15
Slight confusion going on in chapter two I believe. First, you wrote: ‘I was halfway in my room’ and then later on, you wrote: ‘giving up on entering my room’. So is he in his room or not?
Your plot was amazing, but you’ve made mistakes like ‘Ji Eun's trying hard to forget Jonghyun?’ and ‘Joo-yeon and Taemin jumped’ (when it was supposed to be Jieun with Taemin), makes your plot seem a little unrealistic. When you use fictional characters, remember to put the correct names or else readers might be confused as to who loves who.
There was also a part where Key called Joo-yeon, but I thought they didn’t have each other’s numbers?
There were a lot of depth to your plot, and you’ve explored very well into the situation as well as the characters. However, details make it more realistic, if your details are incorrect then it gives me a chance to pull your mark down.
Creativity/Originality: 13.5/15
One of the most original fanfics I’ve read, I must admit. Although, at times I did feel there were a few slightly overused storylines. However, overall it felt like you based your storyline around boys over flowers/meteor garden. Like a school with rich kids and a peasant girl. Family forcing heir to marry people they don’t love. It worked surprisingly well, but just a point I thought I’d make.
Flow: 8.5/10
The pace of your fiction was superb, although there were parts where it felt slightly rushed. Since your story was long, it’s actually really difficult to manage the flow. So I didn’t take too many marks off.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7.5/10
There were a lot of silly mistakes here and there. A few things you wrote and I wrote my corrections in brackets.
I mean, how do you know?" (You missed a quotation mark at the beginning)
will be their with their children (Should be ‘THERE’ not ‘THEIR’)
"Is that any was to talk to a lady?" (I think you meant ‘ANY WAY’)
Cinderella had a first a first love too. (Unnecessary repetition?)
How long was I asleep. (Question mark?)
eyebrow.I felt my face redden. (space?)
I really want to now what happened to her yesterday (should be ‘know’ not ‘now’)
A few awkward sentence structures going on here and there and spelling errors like: ‘log’ when you meant ‘long’, ‘Mingo’ when you meant ‘Minho’, ‘form’ when you meant ‘from’ etc.
Somewhere, Taemin turned into ‘Taeminf’ for a while.
A lot of typos, punctuation mistakes and lack of spacing near the end of your story. Please make an attempt to proof read.
Characterisation: 9/10
Your characterisation was ALMOST flawless to me. Still there were times when I had the though, would they really do that or what they really feel like that? Overall, your characters felt really realistic.
Writing Style: 8/10
I like the way you write and how some sentences were short and snapping. However I thought there were lots of opportunities where you could’ve added a connective to make your sentences flow better. Of course, your writing still makes sense regardless if there’s a connective or not. But because there were so many sentences like: ‘he said slowly, anger sinking in’. It just loses the effect because there were so many of these snappy sentences. Therefore, I would suggest you use a range of long and short sentences in future.
I loved how you linked your story with event in fairy tales. It’s a very intellectual piece of writing.
However, I really disliked how you went to a flashback without any warnings beside the:
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
…Which you also used for changing the scenes. Since you wrote in character’s perspectives, at the top you always put (someone’s name) POV, why don’t you put ‘FLASHBACK’ before you go into the flashback? At the end of the day, readers are reading this, not watching it. So I think it might be slightly better if readers are warned before flashbacks happen.
Finally, I shall conclude that your writing style is excellent, because I could actually imagine every scene in my head.
Overall Enjoyment: 4.5/5
Your fic was surprisingly amusing to read. I actually giggled a few times. Great job!
Sub Total: 85/100
Bonus: 3/5
- One of the best fanfics I’ve read.
- This fanfic probably has the highest mark I’ve given in reviewing.
- It was interesting to read
Total: 88/100
Author: A I K A
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/keyfairytale/
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 2.5/5
I believe it should be: ‘Once Upon a Fairy Tale’ instead of ‘Once Upon A Fairytale’
Besides that, another mark was also taken due to lack of originality? Your title gave off a slightly cliché feeling. It kind of felt like it was going to be those ‘fairy tale love stories’. I personally thought you could’ve come up with a better title.
First Impression: 8.5/10
Your poster has a unique style, but somehow it didn’t really catch my interest. Although I will give you credit for making the poster and background yourself. I loved the colours.
Forewords: 10/10
It was interesting and probably one of the best forewords I’ve ever read. Great job! Also, as I was reading on, your forewords made more sense.
Plot: 13/15
Slight confusion going on in chapter two I believe. First, you wrote: ‘I was halfway in my room’ and then later on, you wrote: ‘giving up on entering my room’. So is he in his room or not?
Your plot was amazing, but you’ve made mistakes like ‘Ji Eun's trying hard to forget Jonghyun?’ and ‘Joo-yeon and Taemin jumped’ (when it was supposed to be Jieun with Taemin), makes your plot seem a little unrealistic. When you use fictional characters, remember to put the correct names or else readers might be confused as to who loves who.
There was also a part where Key called Joo-yeon, but I thought they didn’t have each other’s numbers?
There were a lot of depth to your plot, and you’ve explored very well into the situation as well as the characters. However, details make it more realistic, if your details are incorrect then it gives me a chance to pull your mark down.
Creativity/Originality: 13.5/15
One of the most original fanfics I’ve read, I must admit. Although, at times I did feel there were a few slightly overused storylines. However, overall it felt like you based your storyline around boys over flowers/meteor garden. Like a school with rich kids and a peasant girl. Family forcing heir to marry people they don’t love. It worked surprisingly well, but just a point I thought I’d make.
Flow: 8.5/10
The pace of your fiction was superb, although there were parts where it felt slightly rushed. Since your story was long, it’s actually really difficult to manage the flow. So I didn’t take too many marks off.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7.5/10
There were a lot of silly mistakes here and there. A few things you wrote and I wrote my corrections in brackets.
I mean, how do you know?" (You missed a quotation mark at the beginning)
will be their with their children (Should be ‘THERE’ not ‘THEIR’)
"Is that any was to talk to a lady?" (I think you meant ‘ANY WAY’)
Cinderella had a first a first love too. (Unnecessary repetition?)
How long was I asleep. (Question mark?)
eyebrow.I felt my face redden. (space?)
I really want to now what happened to her yesterday (should be ‘know’ not ‘now’)
A few awkward sentence structures going on here and there and spelling errors like: ‘log’ when you meant ‘long’, ‘Mingo’ when you meant ‘Minho’, ‘form’ when you meant ‘from’ etc.
Somewhere, Taemin turned into ‘Taeminf’ for a while.
A lot of typos, punctuation mistakes and lack of spacing near the end of your story. Please make an attempt to proof read.
Characterisation: 9/10
Your characterisation was ALMOST flawless to me. Still there were times when I had the though, would they really do that or what they really feel like that? Overall, your characters felt really realistic.
Writing Style: 8/10
I like the way you write and how some sentences were short and snapping. However I thought there were lots of opportunities where you could’ve added a connective to make your sentences flow better. Of course, your writing still makes sense regardless if there’s a connective or not. But because there were so many sentences like: ‘he said slowly, anger sinking in’. It just loses the effect because there were so many of these snappy sentences. Therefore, I would suggest you use a range of long and short sentences in future.
I loved how you linked your story with event in fairy tales. It’s a very intellectual piece of writing.
However, I really disliked how you went to a flashback without any warnings beside the:
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
…Which you also used for changing the scenes. Since you wrote in character’s perspectives, at the top you always put (someone’s name) POV, why don’t you put ‘FLASHBACK’ before you go into the flashback? At the end of the day, readers are reading this, not watching it. So I think it might be slightly better if readers are warned before flashbacks happen.
Finally, I shall conclude that your writing style is excellent, because I could actually imagine every scene in my head.
Overall Enjoyment: 4.5/5
Your fic was surprisingly amusing to read. I actually giggled a few times. Great job!
Sub Total: 85/100
Bonus: 3/5
- One of the best fanfics I’ve read.
- This fanfic probably has the highest mark I’ve given in reviewing.
- It was interesting to read
Total: 88/100
A Friend’s Confession by geesoo
Title: A Friend’s Confession
Author: geesoo
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CHA01
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 3/5 – It’s not really that creative; because it’s obvious you based it on 2AM’s song. Also, it’s a bit revealing. Maybe use a part of the lyrics instead of using the title of the song? But most importantly, this title is related to the fic.
First Impression: 10/10 – it’s pretty.
Forewords: 8/10
Your forewords set the scene up, which was good. It felt strange reading your forewords, because I thought your sentence structures were slightly awkward at times. But because I’m unsure I didn’t take marks off that.
Your forewords were quite repetitive. I could see you wanted the effect, but personally it was slightly uninteresting to see a similar scene three times. I liked the repetition of Wooyoung’s quote; however maybe alter the scenes a little?
Also, because of your forewords, I already deducted marks from your plot. [PLEASE READ PLOT SECTION]
Overall, it didn’t really grab my attention and make me want to read on, but it was very unique method of setting up the scene which not many writers use.
Plot: 9/15
In your forewords, you said that in 2002 the characters were 13. However, in 2005, you claimed that they were 14. There’s three years difference there…no matter how you calculate it, I don’t think it works. Let’s say, they just turned 13 at the time. So 2003 they would be 14, 2004 would be 15. Therefore in 2005, they have to be at least 15/16 of age. When doing a timeline, please make sure you have the stages planned out. By just looking at it, it’s obvious that you haven’t paid much attention to the character’s ages; therefore it also allowed me to reduce some marks in characterisation as well.
You’re a great writer, just need to be more careful.
I liked the bungee jump, but I didn’t like the rides. They weren’t interesting to read and especially because it’s a one-shot it wasn’t as effective. For one-shots I think it’s better to just leave the parts which are important, because that way you can create a bigger impact.
Your plot was obvious from the start, and it wasn’t particularly strong either.
Creativity/Originality: 8/15
I didn’t really see anything original here. I won’t say its cliché, but it was definitely used before. Maybe more elaboration would make it seem more original.
Flow: 6/10
There were a lot of short sentences which ruined the flow for me. It was like, ‘stop then go’. I believe connectives would’ve solved your problem here. A good balance between long and short sentences would make it better I think.
Surprisingly, even though your writing increased the pace, the plot was slow. As a short piece of writing, it didn’t create much of an impact on me for the majority of the writing. I just kept thinking: ‘so, what would this lead to?’ and ‘you included this…because…?’
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
‘This… i-isn’t f-f-fair…‘ (I don’t think there’s any need for spaces after the ‘…’)
‘…They had been going out now for four years,’ (I personally think the sentence would have been fine without the ‘now’.)
‘…Let me just get finished’ (It doesn’t sound quite right? Maybe ‘Just let me finish first’ would be better.)
‘… really since middle school’ (This doesn’t make sense. ‘…really’ wasn’t necessary.)
‘…because she in a steady relationship’ (‘…because she WAS in a steady relationship’)
Characterisation: 7/10
I think you should’ve explored into the feelings of your characters more. I could see their traits and habits, but I didn’t really know how they felt, especially Jay.
Writing Style: 7/10
I don’t know why, it felt really scripted for me. Like, there were some sentences where you could’ve used connectives to make them flow better. Also, there seemed to be more dialogue than description. I personally think that more description would’ve made your writing better.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It was sweet!
Sub Total: 68/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 72/100
Author: geesoo
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CHA01
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 3/5 – It’s not really that creative; because it’s obvious you based it on 2AM’s song. Also, it’s a bit revealing. Maybe use a part of the lyrics instead of using the title of the song? But most importantly, this title is related to the fic.
First Impression: 10/10 – it’s pretty.
Forewords: 8/10
Your forewords set the scene up, which was good. It felt strange reading your forewords, because I thought your sentence structures were slightly awkward at times. But because I’m unsure I didn’t take marks off that.
Your forewords were quite repetitive. I could see you wanted the effect, but personally it was slightly uninteresting to see a similar scene three times. I liked the repetition of Wooyoung’s quote; however maybe alter the scenes a little?
Also, because of your forewords, I already deducted marks from your plot. [PLEASE READ PLOT SECTION]
Overall, it didn’t really grab my attention and make me want to read on, but it was very unique method of setting up the scene which not many writers use.
Plot: 9/15
In your forewords, you said that in 2002 the characters were 13. However, in 2005, you claimed that they were 14. There’s three years difference there…no matter how you calculate it, I don’t think it works. Let’s say, they just turned 13 at the time. So 2003 they would be 14, 2004 would be 15. Therefore in 2005, they have to be at least 15/16 of age. When doing a timeline, please make sure you have the stages planned out. By just looking at it, it’s obvious that you haven’t paid much attention to the character’s ages; therefore it also allowed me to reduce some marks in characterisation as well.
You’re a great writer, just need to be more careful.
I liked the bungee jump, but I didn’t like the rides. They weren’t interesting to read and especially because it’s a one-shot it wasn’t as effective. For one-shots I think it’s better to just leave the parts which are important, because that way you can create a bigger impact.
Your plot was obvious from the start, and it wasn’t particularly strong either.
Creativity/Originality: 8/15
I didn’t really see anything original here. I won’t say its cliché, but it was definitely used before. Maybe more elaboration would make it seem more original.
Flow: 6/10
There were a lot of short sentences which ruined the flow for me. It was like, ‘stop then go’. I believe connectives would’ve solved your problem here. A good balance between long and short sentences would make it better I think.
Surprisingly, even though your writing increased the pace, the plot was slow. As a short piece of writing, it didn’t create much of an impact on me for the majority of the writing. I just kept thinking: ‘so, what would this lead to?’ and ‘you included this…because…?’
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
‘This… i-isn’t f-f-fair…‘ (I don’t think there’s any need for spaces after the ‘…’)
‘…They had been going out now for four years,’ (I personally think the sentence would have been fine without the ‘now’.)
‘…Let me just get finished’ (It doesn’t sound quite right? Maybe ‘Just let me finish first’ would be better.)
‘… really since middle school’ (This doesn’t make sense. ‘…really’ wasn’t necessary.)
‘…because she in a steady relationship’ (‘…because she WAS in a steady relationship’)
Characterisation: 7/10
I think you should’ve explored into the feelings of your characters more. I could see their traits and habits, but I didn’t really know how they felt, especially Jay.
Writing Style: 7/10
I don’t know why, it felt really scripted for me. Like, there were some sentences where you could’ve used connectives to make them flow better. Also, there seemed to be more dialogue than description. I personally think that more description would’ve made your writing better.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It was sweet!
Sub Total: 68/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 72/100
White Christmas by CJ
Title: White Chrismas
Author: CJ
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CJlightsyofiree/
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 1.5/5
We all know the song ‘White Christmas’, therefore I can’t really say it’s original. It’s related, but your writing didn’t really make your title seem effective.
First Impression: 6/10
I loved the colours. However, since its white Christmas, why isn’t there a white background? Why teal? I was really confused. The fonts were good; however the quote under the title is really hard to read. Please make quotes readable.
The pictures of the boys in the centre looks really crowded and I could barely recognise the one who’s upside down.
Finally, I didn’t like the red and teal combination. (Your links and background colour. It made my eyes fuzzy.)
Forewords: 5/10
You had good information, but there wasn’t enough there that made me want to read on. I was slightly confused as to where the story was actually heading.
Plot: 6/15
I couldn’t really see a plot until right at the end. It was conversation after conversation, and I didn’t even know where it was heading. Lots of scenes confused me as there weren’t much elaboration going on.
Creativity/Originality: 8/10
I did see some aspects of originality, but because you didn’t elaborate your scenes, it doesn’t seem as creative.
Flow: 3/10
Randomly, your scene just changed without any sort of notification or description. It makes the story really confusing. It was really hard to follow. It was like, your first scene was incomplete and you started the second one. It really gave the feeling that you’re being impromptu. Also, some of your scenes are too short. It’s really hard to keep up with the storyline. Occasionally, I go ‘where do these characters come from?!’ The flow is too quick and confusing.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
In your forewords, you wrote:
Jaebeom and Junho, aspiring singers meet up with some rookies up north in kangwondo. they meet their old army general, and now, they feel they owe him a favor.
If kangwondo is a place, then the ‘k’ should be capital. The ‘t’ in ‘they’ should also be capital, because it’s the start of a new sentence. (I’ve realised you didn’t capitalise your words a lot of the time when it’s the start of a new sentence. Please do so in future.)
The use of ‘said’ is really boring, and in chapter one only, you have used that word 22 times. It gets repetitive and uninteresting. Please try to broaden your vocabulary or use imagery so your readers can visualise how the characters deliver the lines. I saw some good vocabulary within your writing. However, please use them more often.
Reduced marks also included punctuation like ‘BUSAN!.’ There is no need for the full stop if you decided to use an exclamation mark.
Typos like:
‘…on the other en’ – I think you mean ‘end’
‘alreadly’ – Should be ‘already’
‘ax’ – I think you meant ‘axe’
‘if their interested’ – should be ‘if they’re interested’
Awkward sentence structures like:
‘…leaning a little ways away from Yoseob.’ (‘ways’ should not have been included in this sentence)
"Whats wrong with your face!" Junho grumbled. (I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here. ‘Whats’ should be ‘what’s’ and if this is a question, where’s the question mark?)
Please proof read in future. I do see that you’ve noticed you’ve your own grammar errors, but please fix them in your future writings.
Characterisation: 4/10
I saw some characterisation here and there, but generally there wasn’t enough description which made your characters believable.
Writing Style: 4/10
I really disliked the fact you used emoticon like ‘:D’ and ‘O___o’ and even signs like ‘~’ in the middle of your writing. I would’ve preferred it if you used actual words.
To be honest, I’m really not a fan of masses of dialogue. I do believe a good balance of dialogue and description would’ve improved your writing style, but that’s just my opinion.
I’ll give you credit for pointing out your alliteration, as you clearly understand the use of the technique. Since you understand the use of techniques, I would advise you to use some more in future to make your writing more interesting to read.
More marks would’ve been given if you included more descriptions and wrote your fic in paragraphs.
Overall Enjoyment: 1.5/5
you had loads of sweet scenes going on, but you need to elaborate to make it effective and enjoyable to read. I think you were thinking your fanfic in a drama or movie sort of way. However, in writing, you really do need to explain fully so your readers don’t get lost.
It was sweet, but somehow not really realistic to me. I prefer fictions which are more believable.
Sub Total: 44/100
(Sorry, this is just my opinion on how I think you can improve in future. I hope this didn’t offend you.)
Bonus: 2/5
- You managed to complete this fiction
- It wasn’t a cliché.
Total: 46/100
Author: CJ
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CJlightsyofiree/
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 1.5/5
We all know the song ‘White Christmas’, therefore I can’t really say it’s original. It’s related, but your writing didn’t really make your title seem effective.
First Impression: 6/10
I loved the colours. However, since its white Christmas, why isn’t there a white background? Why teal? I was really confused. The fonts were good; however the quote under the title is really hard to read. Please make quotes readable.
The pictures of the boys in the centre looks really crowded and I could barely recognise the one who’s upside down.
Finally, I didn’t like the red and teal combination. (Your links and background colour. It made my eyes fuzzy.)
Forewords: 5/10
You had good information, but there wasn’t enough there that made me want to read on. I was slightly confused as to where the story was actually heading.
Plot: 6/15
I couldn’t really see a plot until right at the end. It was conversation after conversation, and I didn’t even know where it was heading. Lots of scenes confused me as there weren’t much elaboration going on.
Creativity/Originality: 8/10
I did see some aspects of originality, but because you didn’t elaborate your scenes, it doesn’t seem as creative.
Flow: 3/10
Randomly, your scene just changed without any sort of notification or description. It makes the story really confusing. It was really hard to follow. It was like, your first scene was incomplete and you started the second one. It really gave the feeling that you’re being impromptu. Also, some of your scenes are too short. It’s really hard to keep up with the storyline. Occasionally, I go ‘where do these characters come from?!’ The flow is too quick and confusing.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
In your forewords, you wrote:
Jaebeom and Junho, aspiring singers meet up with some rookies up north in kangwondo. they meet their old army general, and now, they feel they owe him a favor.
If kangwondo is a place, then the ‘k’ should be capital. The ‘t’ in ‘they’ should also be capital, because it’s the start of a new sentence. (I’ve realised you didn’t capitalise your words a lot of the time when it’s the start of a new sentence. Please do so in future.)
The use of ‘said’ is really boring, and in chapter one only, you have used that word 22 times. It gets repetitive and uninteresting. Please try to broaden your vocabulary or use imagery so your readers can visualise how the characters deliver the lines. I saw some good vocabulary within your writing. However, please use them more often.
Reduced marks also included punctuation like ‘BUSAN!.’ There is no need for the full stop if you decided to use an exclamation mark.
Typos like:
‘…on the other en’ – I think you mean ‘end’
‘alreadly’ – Should be ‘already’
‘ax’ – I think you meant ‘axe’
‘if their interested’ – should be ‘if they’re interested’
Awkward sentence structures like:
‘…leaning a little ways away from Yoseob.’ (‘ways’ should not have been included in this sentence)
"Whats wrong with your face!" Junho grumbled. (I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here. ‘Whats’ should be ‘what’s’ and if this is a question, where’s the question mark?)
Please proof read in future. I do see that you’ve noticed you’ve your own grammar errors, but please fix them in your future writings.
Characterisation: 4/10
I saw some characterisation here and there, but generally there wasn’t enough description which made your characters believable.
Writing Style: 4/10
I really disliked the fact you used emoticon like ‘:D’ and ‘O___o’ and even signs like ‘~’ in the middle of your writing. I would’ve preferred it if you used actual words.
To be honest, I’m really not a fan of masses of dialogue. I do believe a good balance of dialogue and description would’ve improved your writing style, but that’s just my opinion.
I’ll give you credit for pointing out your alliteration, as you clearly understand the use of the technique. Since you understand the use of techniques, I would advise you to use some more in future to make your writing more interesting to read.
More marks would’ve been given if you included more descriptions and wrote your fic in paragraphs.
Overall Enjoyment: 1.5/5
you had loads of sweet scenes going on, but you need to elaborate to make it effective and enjoyable to read. I think you were thinking your fanfic in a drama or movie sort of way. However, in writing, you really do need to explain fully so your readers don’t get lost.
It was sweet, but somehow not really realistic to me. I prefer fictions which are more believable.
Sub Total: 44/100
(Sorry, this is just my opinion on how I think you can improve in future. I hope this didn’t offend you.)
Bonus: 2/5
- You managed to complete this fiction
- It wasn’t a cliché.
Total: 46/100
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Kiss the Rain by Yunni
Title: Kiss the Rain
Author: Yunni
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_rainfall
Reviewed by: Kira @ i-DEAS
Title: 3/5
It doesn’t catch my interest. The title is too common. I am glad it fits with the story well, but if I wasn’t reviewing this, the title does not draw me in to read it. It gives a good imagery with the story but I can only say that after I’ve actually read the story. I do like listening to the song while reading the story.
First Impression: 9/10
Very dreary and gloomy. But that’s okay because that’s what the story was like. I am quite impressed with the fact that the simplicity of poster and background actually interested me. The quote made me curious about the story. The softness of the poster was definitely intriguing. It was a change from the usual flamboyant and rich colored posters I’m used to seeing. Understandable, those tend to stand out more, but the poster definitely works well with the story. I can read the words without my brain exploding and the blue theme fits perfectly. Only issue I have is that I CANNOT tell that is TaeMin. It looks mysterious, but I think it would be better if I can still be able to tell who the male was.
Forewords: 9/10
I was definitely pulled in by the forewords. Your imagery was beautiful. I was really anticipating the story and yet I had no idea what to expect because you didn’t reveal too much of the plot. And I actually do like the fact that you explained where you got your inspiration because I feel like that is a good part of what forewords SHOULD have. However, I think the layout of everything was perhaps a bit too messy. To me, it would make sense to have the title and such first, either your author’s note or short excerpt next, and then end with the copyright. If you do have one of those categorization label things, then people want to see that first so they know what to expect before they read this story. You should include more sections in the label though, such as genre, rating, warnings, etc.
Plot: 5/15
Yah, I have no clue what the plot it. I am quite lost. I do get the sense that the girl and TaeMin must have had some sort of close history together and then something happened to break them apart. Now she came back to say goodbye? But I just…feel really, REALLY confused. .__. I think the plot was just TOO simple. There wasn’t enough foundation for this one-shot to build off of. I do think this is just too short. But it could have potentially been a great one-shot.
Creativity/Originality: 5/15
The basis of this plot I found overused and boring. It actually reminds me a bit of that DBSK drama, “Finding Lost Time,” at least the beginning, just the part in which TaeMin sees the girl through the crowd. I do like how you used the rain to compare with how TaeMin felt. How you conveyed the feeling was good. Perhaps if you continued the whole thing, you could continue to use the rain analogy and explain how the girl feels about rain afterwards since you said in the forewords that her view point changed.
Flow: 2/10
Umm…it was in sequential order? Admittedly, the story does in fact make sense on a timeline. However, I feel like it is WAY too choppy. This one-shot is more like just one scene out of a drama rather than a stand-alone story. It feels like you threw me into the story and then suddenly jerked me out.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9.5/10
So close to perfect! *sigh* It’s been awhile since I’ve read a story like that. Your sentence structures are good as well as your spelling. Vocabulary is fitting; not too complicated like I’m reading a quantum book, but not too simple that I feel like a kindergartener (although…I kind of act like one anyways, but that’s another story). Just two little things that I caught:
For this sentence:
"It's been a year," he finally managed after a moment.
Because the second sentence is not a speaking action such as “said,” the quotation would be a standalone sentence. So it would be this:
"It's been a year." He finally managed after a moment.
And then here:
Now, he stepped back inside the house, and, ignoring Key's protests on going outside, TaeMin went down to the streets.
You used way too many commas. You can just simplify the sentence to:
Now, he stepped back inside the house and ignoring Key's protests on going outside, TaeMin went down to the streets.
Characterization: 1/10
The story was way too short for me to really understand what the characters are really like. It is much too vague. It is possible that the girl and TaeMin dated before and something tore them apart so the girl couldn’t take the pressure anymore and had to say goodbye. It is possible that the girl is being completely too sensitive and misunderstood something that TaeMin did when he really meant well. It is possible that TaeMin made a gigantic mistake and the girl wants nothing to do with TaeMin now. I am unable to really get what the characters are like just from the story. I can only see what the situation is.
Writing Style: 9/10
Your writing style is very eloquent and I love your imagery. I think you did a good job in showing emotions such as the short and harsh one word sentences to show pain and suffering. Not to mention you use long and very detailed sentences to create a great image of what is going on.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It was too short. .__. I feel cheated from good writing.
Sub Total: 55.5/100
Bonus: 5/5
I can tell you are a good writer just from the forewords. I just wish you wrote more! *shakes fist angrily*
Total: 60.5/100
Author: Yunni
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_rainfall
Reviewed by: Kira @ i-DEAS
Title: 3/5
It doesn’t catch my interest. The title is too common. I am glad it fits with the story well, but if I wasn’t reviewing this, the title does not draw me in to read it. It gives a good imagery with the story but I can only say that after I’ve actually read the story. I do like listening to the song while reading the story.
First Impression: 9/10
Very dreary and gloomy. But that’s okay because that’s what the story was like. I am quite impressed with the fact that the simplicity of poster and background actually interested me. The quote made me curious about the story. The softness of the poster was definitely intriguing. It was a change from the usual flamboyant and rich colored posters I’m used to seeing. Understandable, those tend to stand out more, but the poster definitely works well with the story. I can read the words without my brain exploding and the blue theme fits perfectly. Only issue I have is that I CANNOT tell that is TaeMin. It looks mysterious, but I think it would be better if I can still be able to tell who the male was.
Forewords: 9/10
I was definitely pulled in by the forewords. Your imagery was beautiful. I was really anticipating the story and yet I had no idea what to expect because you didn’t reveal too much of the plot. And I actually do like the fact that you explained where you got your inspiration because I feel like that is a good part of what forewords SHOULD have. However, I think the layout of everything was perhaps a bit too messy. To me, it would make sense to have the title and such first, either your author’s note or short excerpt next, and then end with the copyright. If you do have one of those categorization label things, then people want to see that first so they know what to expect before they read this story. You should include more sections in the label though, such as genre, rating, warnings, etc.
Plot: 5/15
Yah, I have no clue what the plot it. I am quite lost. I do get the sense that the girl and TaeMin must have had some sort of close history together and then something happened to break them apart. Now she came back to say goodbye? But I just…feel really, REALLY confused. .__. I think the plot was just TOO simple. There wasn’t enough foundation for this one-shot to build off of. I do think this is just too short. But it could have potentially been a great one-shot.
Creativity/Originality: 5/15
The basis of this plot I found overused and boring. It actually reminds me a bit of that DBSK drama, “Finding Lost Time,” at least the beginning, just the part in which TaeMin sees the girl through the crowd. I do like how you used the rain to compare with how TaeMin felt. How you conveyed the feeling was good. Perhaps if you continued the whole thing, you could continue to use the rain analogy and explain how the girl feels about rain afterwards since you said in the forewords that her view point changed.
Flow: 2/10
Umm…it was in sequential order? Admittedly, the story does in fact make sense on a timeline. However, I feel like it is WAY too choppy. This one-shot is more like just one scene out of a drama rather than a stand-alone story. It feels like you threw me into the story and then suddenly jerked me out.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9.5/10
So close to perfect! *sigh* It’s been awhile since I’ve read a story like that. Your sentence structures are good as well as your spelling. Vocabulary is fitting; not too complicated like I’m reading a quantum book, but not too simple that I feel like a kindergartener (although…I kind of act like one anyways, but that’s another story). Just two little things that I caught:
For this sentence:
"It's been a year," he finally managed after a moment.
Because the second sentence is not a speaking action such as “said,” the quotation would be a standalone sentence. So it would be this:
"It's been a year." He finally managed after a moment.
And then here:
Now, he stepped back inside the house, and, ignoring Key's protests on going outside, TaeMin went down to the streets.
You used way too many commas. You can just simplify the sentence to:
Now, he stepped back inside the house and ignoring Key's protests on going outside, TaeMin went down to the streets.
Characterization: 1/10
The story was way too short for me to really understand what the characters are really like. It is much too vague. It is possible that the girl and TaeMin dated before and something tore them apart so the girl couldn’t take the pressure anymore and had to say goodbye. It is possible that the girl is being completely too sensitive and misunderstood something that TaeMin did when he really meant well. It is possible that TaeMin made a gigantic mistake and the girl wants nothing to do with TaeMin now. I am unable to really get what the characters are like just from the story. I can only see what the situation is.
Writing Style: 9/10
Your writing style is very eloquent and I love your imagery. I think you did a good job in showing emotions such as the short and harsh one word sentences to show pain and suffering. Not to mention you use long and very detailed sentences to create a great image of what is going on.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It was too short. .__. I feel cheated from good writing.
Sub Total: 55.5/100
Bonus: 5/5
I can tell you are a good writer just from the forewords. I just wish you wrote more! *shakes fist angrily*
Total: 60.5/100
6 Words That Hurt by Asian_Innocence
Title: 6 Words That Hurt
Author: Asian_Innocence
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/wtsc/chapter_3.shtml
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 5/5 - Original, creative and the fact that you used numbers seemed really different from other titles. Most importantly, it was related.
First Impression: 7/10 - I love the poster so much! It’s beautiful. However, the font was difficult to read? Like 'The' I thought it was an 'I' instead of 'T'. It's beautiful, but I personally think it can still be improved :) Also, would’ve been nice to see Jonghoon in the poster too, because if I entered your fanfic, I would’ve just thought you wrote DBSK one-shots.
Forewords: 10/10 – Don’t really see anything I can pick on in your forewords. It’s good.
Plot: 13/15 – At first, I thought it was cliché but in the end, it had a really nice twist. Two marks taken off because I would’ve loved to read the emotions MiRoo had after reading those six words. Other than that, the plot was amazing.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15 - Slightly cliché. I mean, dating, break up in the rain, car crash. These have all been used before. But I’ll give you credit for the descriptions you provided, and there were certain aspects of the writing which really seemed original despite of the scenario used.
Flow: 7/10 – Personally, I think you spent too much time setting up the scene, and you didn’t go into that much depth when it was the actual break up. Since I do believe that is a crucial part of the story, I think the flow would’ve been better if you explored more into the feelings as well as the actions of your characters. I understand the beginning was for a build up of tension, but it wasn’t as interesting to read. Instead, I kept thinking how cliché your story was until the end which really surprised me.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
You wrote:
Something… something has been troubling me lately (There’s no need for a gap between the ‘…’ and your next word.)
You wrote:
…and I gave his hand I light squeeze (Should be: I gave his hand A light squeeze)
You wrote:
…and allowed him take my hand. (Should be: allowed him TO take my hand)
You wrote:
…he asks quietly and with confusion, trying to catch my eye. (I believe ‘and’ isn’t necessary in this sentence.)
You wrote:
…position or go to her purse (I think you meant ‘to go’.)
Spelling errors (what you wrote – what I think you wanted to write)
Cleares – clears
Yeh - yeah
Revere - reverie
Burry – bury
Slipper road – slippery road
I know it’s difficult, but you seemed to use the word ‘face’ a lot. Try use a different way to write about the face? I was curious so I checked how many times you used that word. And in one short piece of writing, you managed to use that word eight times. Please try to vary your vocabulary before it gets too repetitive.
Also, I believe there might have been a few punctuation errors, but since I’m uncertain, I didn’t take points off it.
Characterisation: 7/10 – Didn’t really get to see much of Jonghoon. The mum’s reaction when MiRoo woke up wasn’t really realistic. I kept asking, ‘would she really be that calm when her daughter had just survived after a car accident?’ I think better descriptions of those characters would’ve been better.
Writing Style: 8/10 - I loved the way you started your fiction off with a rhetorical question as it makes it a fantastic opening! However,
You wrote:
“Seongsengnim! I’m delicate~” (I would’ve preferred it if you wrote how he delivered the line instead on using ‘~’)
Some of your descriptions were superb! There was some great use of short sentences which really had a brilliant effect.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5 – a very meaningful fanfic. I really enjoyed it.
Sub Total: 80/100
Bonus: 3/5
- Love the title
- Good quality of writing
- I enjoyed it
Total: 83/100
Author: Asian_Innocence
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/wtsc/chapter_3.shtml
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 5/5 - Original, creative and the fact that you used numbers seemed really different from other titles. Most importantly, it was related.
First Impression: 7/10 - I love the poster so much! It’s beautiful. However, the font was difficult to read? Like 'The' I thought it was an 'I' instead of 'T'. It's beautiful, but I personally think it can still be improved :) Also, would’ve been nice to see Jonghoon in the poster too, because if I entered your fanfic, I would’ve just thought you wrote DBSK one-shots.
Forewords: 10/10 – Don’t really see anything I can pick on in your forewords. It’s good.
Plot: 13/15 – At first, I thought it was cliché but in the end, it had a really nice twist. Two marks taken off because I would’ve loved to read the emotions MiRoo had after reading those six words. Other than that, the plot was amazing.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15 - Slightly cliché. I mean, dating, break up in the rain, car crash. These have all been used before. But I’ll give you credit for the descriptions you provided, and there were certain aspects of the writing which really seemed original despite of the scenario used.
Flow: 7/10 – Personally, I think you spent too much time setting up the scene, and you didn’t go into that much depth when it was the actual break up. Since I do believe that is a crucial part of the story, I think the flow would’ve been better if you explored more into the feelings as well as the actions of your characters. I understand the beginning was for a build up of tension, but it wasn’t as interesting to read. Instead, I kept thinking how cliché your story was until the end which really surprised me.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
You wrote:
Something… something has been troubling me lately (There’s no need for a gap between the ‘…’ and your next word.)
You wrote:
…and I gave his hand I light squeeze (Should be: I gave his hand A light squeeze)
You wrote:
…and allowed him take my hand. (Should be: allowed him TO take my hand)
You wrote:
…he asks quietly and with confusion, trying to catch my eye. (I believe ‘and’ isn’t necessary in this sentence.)
You wrote:
…position or go to her purse (I think you meant ‘to go’.)
Spelling errors (what you wrote – what I think you wanted to write)
Cleares – clears
Yeh - yeah
Revere - reverie
Burry – bury
Slipper road – slippery road
I know it’s difficult, but you seemed to use the word ‘face’ a lot. Try use a different way to write about the face? I was curious so I checked how many times you used that word. And in one short piece of writing, you managed to use that word eight times. Please try to vary your vocabulary before it gets too repetitive.
Also, I believe there might have been a few punctuation errors, but since I’m uncertain, I didn’t take points off it.
Characterisation: 7/10 – Didn’t really get to see much of Jonghoon. The mum’s reaction when MiRoo woke up wasn’t really realistic. I kept asking, ‘would she really be that calm when her daughter had just survived after a car accident?’ I think better descriptions of those characters would’ve been better.
Writing Style: 8/10 - I loved the way you started your fiction off with a rhetorical question as it makes it a fantastic opening! However,
You wrote:
“Seongsengnim! I’m delicate~” (I would’ve preferred it if you wrote how he delivered the line instead on using ‘~’)
Some of your descriptions were superb! There was some great use of short sentences which really had a brilliant effect.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5 – a very meaningful fanfic. I really enjoyed it.
Sub Total: 80/100
Bonus: 3/5
- Love the title
- Good quality of writing
- I enjoyed it
Total: 83/100
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Raindrops by Ana
Title: Raindrops
Author: Ana
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_raindrops/
Reviewed by: Andi @ i-DEAS
*Note: This is my first review back from hiatus. If it sounds a little off, I apologize. Also, I have the Muppets version of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen in my head—and it’s driving me crazy—so I also apologize for any mistakes I make that I don’t catch. Please request your future reviews at i-DEAS! (Yay I got a bit of advertising done! WHOO!)*
Title: 4.5/5
I hope you don’t mind the half point getting knocked off. My explanation: the title fit your story well. Really well. So well, your story seems like it revolves around the title. But I think you should have used the Korean version of the word instead of “raindrops.” That would have caught my attention more. I’m the curious type, and when I see something I don’t know, I tackle it head-on. I’m weird like that. It’s the nerd in me.
First Impression: 9/10
The poster’s great! It compliments the mood of the story (though I don’t know how the moon ties into the plot, if that is the moon at all. If it’s not, I feel retarded and should be walloped with a stinking broomstick). The simplicity of it matches your writing well. No, that was not an insult. I’ll get to that later.
Forewords: 10/10
Short and to the point. Since this is a one-shot, you really don’t need a huge explanation about things. You even mentioned the characters’ names. Brava!
Plot: 13/15
I got a little confused with the “he”s and the “she”s. I realized you were talking about a different girl than the main character, but you might want to clarify that. I loved the plot overall, though. You see it in real-life all the time: a friend who wants to be more than a friend with their crush, but their crush doesn’t exactly see eye-to-eye with them. The rain added to the melancholy (at first) and then tied in at the end since she felt that the rain washed away the heartache she had for Junsu.
Creativity/Originality: 13.5/15
Pretty original, but not one-of-a-kind. You don’t see this sort of a story too often. Usually, the unrequited love somehow becomes requited at the end. But you didn’t follow that cliché. You had the main character choose differently, and stop infatuating over someone who would never feel the same as she. Excellent!
Flow: 10/10
No problems here. An easy score, huh?
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I didn’t find any mistakes in spelling…or grammar…or any problems with capitalization. You used vibrant enough language and words to create some imagery and pretty mental pictures.
Characterization: 8/10
Junsu and Aecha were fine enough, but who was this random girl? Was she a friend of Aecha? Was she a rival? And how was Aecha and Junsu’s relationship before Aecha fell for him? Were they best friends? Friends since childhood? I wanted these questions to be answered before the end, and they weren’t.
Writing Style: 10/10
ARGH, I WANT TO GIVE YOU MORE THAN A TEN. A TWENTY SOUNDS BETTER. Sorry. It’s so simple, it’s utterly beautiful. There are times when huge amounts of details make a story a story. With yours, it’s the opposite. You didn’t need big words and large paragraphs with heaping amounts of details. I could almost feel the freaking raindrops. And the fact that you tied rain to two different things (I applaud you if you did it on purpose, I giggle if you did it by accident) amazed me. Keep writing this way, and you’re sure to raise some eyebrows, girlie.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Loved it, loved it, loved it! It was sweet and short, and an all-around good one-shot.
Sub Total: 92/100
Bonus: 3/5
You used Junsu. He’s the butt of many of my jokes. (No pun intended.)
Total: 95/100
And now Single Ladies by Beyoncé is in my head. Great. Oops, back to my reviewing. Ahem. You did a great job, and I’m glad you chose i-DEAS for your request. Do come back again, and if you want, request me. I’d be glad to review for you again. I loved this story, and I wish you the best of luck with all your future writings. ^^
Author: Ana
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_raindrops/
Reviewed by: Andi @ i-DEAS
*Note: This is my first review back from hiatus. If it sounds a little off, I apologize. Also, I have the Muppets version of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen in my head—and it’s driving me crazy—so I also apologize for any mistakes I make that I don’t catch. Please request your future reviews at i-DEAS! (Yay I got a bit of advertising done! WHOO!)*
Title: 4.5/5
I hope you don’t mind the half point getting knocked off. My explanation: the title fit your story well. Really well. So well, your story seems like it revolves around the title. But I think you should have used the Korean version of the word instead of “raindrops.” That would have caught my attention more. I’m the curious type, and when I see something I don’t know, I tackle it head-on. I’m weird like that. It’s the nerd in me.
First Impression: 9/10
The poster’s great! It compliments the mood of the story (though I don’t know how the moon ties into the plot, if that is the moon at all. If it’s not, I feel retarded and should be walloped with a stinking broomstick). The simplicity of it matches your writing well. No, that was not an insult. I’ll get to that later.
Forewords: 10/10
Short and to the point. Since this is a one-shot, you really don’t need a huge explanation about things. You even mentioned the characters’ names. Brava!
Plot: 13/15
I got a little confused with the “he”s and the “she”s. I realized you were talking about a different girl than the main character, but you might want to clarify that. I loved the plot overall, though. You see it in real-life all the time: a friend who wants to be more than a friend with their crush, but their crush doesn’t exactly see eye-to-eye with them. The rain added to the melancholy (at first) and then tied in at the end since she felt that the rain washed away the heartache she had for Junsu.
Creativity/Originality: 13.5/15
Pretty original, but not one-of-a-kind. You don’t see this sort of a story too often. Usually, the unrequited love somehow becomes requited at the end. But you didn’t follow that cliché. You had the main character choose differently, and stop infatuating over someone who would never feel the same as she. Excellent!
Flow: 10/10
No problems here. An easy score, huh?
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I didn’t find any mistakes in spelling…or grammar…or any problems with capitalization. You used vibrant enough language and words to create some imagery and pretty mental pictures.
Characterization: 8/10
Junsu and Aecha were fine enough, but who was this random girl? Was she a friend of Aecha? Was she a rival? And how was Aecha and Junsu’s relationship before Aecha fell for him? Were they best friends? Friends since childhood? I wanted these questions to be answered before the end, and they weren’t.
Writing Style: 10/10
ARGH, I WANT TO GIVE YOU MORE THAN A TEN. A TWENTY SOUNDS BETTER. Sorry. It’s so simple, it’s utterly beautiful. There are times when huge amounts of details make a story a story. With yours, it’s the opposite. You didn’t need big words and large paragraphs with heaping amounts of details. I could almost feel the freaking raindrops. And the fact that you tied rain to two different things (I applaud you if you did it on purpose, I giggle if you did it by accident) amazed me. Keep writing this way, and you’re sure to raise some eyebrows, girlie.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Loved it, loved it, loved it! It was sweet and short, and an all-around good one-shot.
Sub Total: 92/100
Bonus: 3/5
You used Junsu. He’s the butt of many of my jokes. (No pun intended.)
Total: 95/100
And now Single Ladies by Beyoncé is in my head. Great. Oops, back to my reviewing. Ahem. You did a great job, and I’m glad you chose i-DEAS for your request. Do come back again, and if you want, request me. I’d be glad to review for you again. I loved this story, and I wish you the best of luck with all your future writings. ^^
Save Me! by tubbyGENx3
Title: Save Me!
Author: tubbyGENx3
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/OneShot2/
Reviewed by: Andi @ i-DEAS
Title: 5/5
This definitely caught my eye at first glance. I couldn’t wait for my web browser to finish loading the story so I could read exactly what this person needed to be saved from. Plus, it sort of sent a weird feeling through me, like I was about to be severely depressed by the story…and you know how everyone, no matter how sad it can be, loves a good depressing tale.
First Impression: 8/10
Okay, so the depressing thing? It settled in once I saw the poster and the color scheme you had going on for this story. The poster sort of unnerved me. It looked like the story was going to be about someone wanting to commit suicide or something along those lines.
Forewords: 9/10
I really liked your forewords. Since this wasn’t necessarily a fan fiction, the forewords couldn’t and didn’t have to follow the rules. You made sure to tell the reader that this was based on a true story; that made my heart clench. True stories almost never have a Happily Ever After.
Plot: 13/15
There wasn’t a plot, per se, but I saw where you were going with this. You were painting a bleak picture of the depressed child in a dysfunctional family. You were trying to convey to your audience that things aren’t always so pretty for a lot of the people in this seriously screwed-up world. I nearly got teary-eyed at this story; it was just so…realistic and eye-opening to a young girl’s problem. I’m sad that this was based on a true story, and I send out my sympathies for whoever had to endure such pain and misery.
Creativity/Originality: 14/15
I’ve never read something quite like this. Winglin is mostly made up of fanfics and the like, but this was different. This also didn’t have that happy ending (or happy beginning, for that matter). It sounds masochistic, but I like that in a story.
Flow: 10/10
Nothing wrong here. Flow was perfect.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
Here’s where I get extremely picky:
1. Punctuation is your friend. EX: “…No matter how much cursing I say no one would care…” Use commas where they need to be used (i.e. after “say”). Also, check over any dialogue and make sure it has a period, exclamation point, or question mark that shows the sentence has ended.
2. Watch the grammar. EX: “No matter how much teardrops falls down into this ocean no one would ever find it…” The word “much” is misused here; instead, use the word “many.”
3. Watch your tenses. I’ll use the same example from above. Instead of “falls” it should be “fall”, and instead of “it”, it should be “them”. Keep an eye on that, and you’ll succeed in your future writings.
Characterization: 7/10
You developed the narrator well—showed how much she suffered—but I wanted to know just a little bit more about the dysfunctional family and how they interacted on a day-to-day basis.
Writing Style: 7/10
Methinks this would have been crazier (and that’s used in a complimentary way) if written like a sort of diary. Maybe you could have shown how things just seemed to worsen from day to day. Here’s a good (albeit way too comedic for the serious tone of this story and written in the form of various recordings) example: http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/reviews/animalcrossing.htm
I love Ben Croshaw; he does some of the funniest game reviews I’ve ever heard.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
This hit home hard. When I was through reading, my mind was blank besides the thought: “Wow. And I thought my life sucked.” Actually, I know I have it pretty made compared to a lot of my other friends. I know a brother and sister who have been living without power and hot water ever since March. But they still manage to go on through life. This story did make me sad, but it just goes to show that there are people suffering out there…and they do need someone to rescue them from the misery.
Sub Total: 82/100
Bonus: 3/5
Total: 85/100
A personal apology from the reviewer: I must have had your review for well over two months, and I read it. Actually, I read it a few times. But every time I opened a word document to do the review, I’d sit there, staring at the screen, wondering how to begin. Soon I’d get distracted from what I was doing and abandon your work as if I was abandoning some stray dog in the pouring rain. Then I just stopped going onto Winglin and all my reviewing sites altogether. I got caught up in a video game (sadly, I’ll admit that) and I also got swept up with the end of my senior year. It’s obvious that there is no excuse whatsoever for my tardiness. I can only give you my sincerest apologies. This isn’t the first time I’ve done such a thing to a request, and unfortunately it might not be the last. But I am going to own up to whatever I must own up to, get your review done, and hope that you’ll forgive this pathetic excuse of a reviewer.
Author: tubbyGENx3
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/OneShot2/
Reviewed by: Andi @ i-DEAS
Title: 5/5
This definitely caught my eye at first glance. I couldn’t wait for my web browser to finish loading the story so I could read exactly what this person needed to be saved from. Plus, it sort of sent a weird feeling through me, like I was about to be severely depressed by the story…and you know how everyone, no matter how sad it can be, loves a good depressing tale.
First Impression: 8/10
Okay, so the depressing thing? It settled in once I saw the poster and the color scheme you had going on for this story. The poster sort of unnerved me. It looked like the story was going to be about someone wanting to commit suicide or something along those lines.
Forewords: 9/10
I really liked your forewords. Since this wasn’t necessarily a fan fiction, the forewords couldn’t and didn’t have to follow the rules. You made sure to tell the reader that this was based on a true story; that made my heart clench. True stories almost never have a Happily Ever After.
Plot: 13/15
There wasn’t a plot, per se, but I saw where you were going with this. You were painting a bleak picture of the depressed child in a dysfunctional family. You were trying to convey to your audience that things aren’t always so pretty for a lot of the people in this seriously screwed-up world. I nearly got teary-eyed at this story; it was just so…realistic and eye-opening to a young girl’s problem. I’m sad that this was based on a true story, and I send out my sympathies for whoever had to endure such pain and misery.
Creativity/Originality: 14/15
I’ve never read something quite like this. Winglin is mostly made up of fanfics and the like, but this was different. This also didn’t have that happy ending (or happy beginning, for that matter). It sounds masochistic, but I like that in a story.
Flow: 10/10
Nothing wrong here. Flow was perfect.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
Here’s where I get extremely picky:
1. Punctuation is your friend. EX: “…No matter how much cursing I say no one would care…” Use commas where they need to be used (i.e. after “say”). Also, check over any dialogue and make sure it has a period, exclamation point, or question mark that shows the sentence has ended.
2. Watch the grammar. EX: “No matter how much teardrops falls down into this ocean no one would ever find it…” The word “much” is misused here; instead, use the word “many.”
3. Watch your tenses. I’ll use the same example from above. Instead of “falls” it should be “fall”, and instead of “it”, it should be “them”. Keep an eye on that, and you’ll succeed in your future writings.
Characterization: 7/10
You developed the narrator well—showed how much she suffered—but I wanted to know just a little bit more about the dysfunctional family and how they interacted on a day-to-day basis.
Writing Style: 7/10
Methinks this would have been crazier (and that’s used in a complimentary way) if written like a sort of diary. Maybe you could have shown how things just seemed to worsen from day to day. Here’s a good (albeit way too comedic for the serious tone of this story and written in the form of various recordings) example: http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/reviews/animalcrossing.htm
I love Ben Croshaw; he does some of the funniest game reviews I’ve ever heard.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
This hit home hard. When I was through reading, my mind was blank besides the thought: “Wow. And I thought my life sucked.” Actually, I know I have it pretty made compared to a lot of my other friends. I know a brother and sister who have been living without power and hot water ever since March. But they still manage to go on through life. This story did make me sad, but it just goes to show that there are people suffering out there…and they do need someone to rescue them from the misery.
Sub Total: 82/100
Bonus: 3/5
Total: 85/100
A personal apology from the reviewer: I must have had your review for well over two months, and I read it. Actually, I read it a few times. But every time I opened a word document to do the review, I’d sit there, staring at the screen, wondering how to begin. Soon I’d get distracted from what I was doing and abandon your work as if I was abandoning some stray dog in the pouring rain. Then I just stopped going onto Winglin and all my reviewing sites altogether. I got caught up in a video game (sadly, I’ll admit that) and I also got swept up with the end of my senior year. It’s obvious that there is no excuse whatsoever for my tardiness. I can only give you my sincerest apologies. This isn’t the first time I’ve done such a thing to a request, and unfortunately it might not be the last. But I am going to own up to whatever I must own up to, get your review done, and hope that you’ll forgive this pathetic excuse of a reviewer.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
An Encounter With 5 Angels by SuperSapphire
Title: An Encounter With 5 Angels
Author: SuperSapphire
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/SuperSapphire7
Reviewer: dramafreak4eva @ thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com
Title: 3/5
Since the story isn’t finished, I don’t think the title is really all that suiting to the storyline. I mean, the story is actually revolved around the “Evil SHINee” than more of the “Angel SHINee” but I guess if you mean in the end they change because of the reader then, it suits the storyline. The title is slightly long but usually length doesn’t matter. If I were skimming through titles and choosing an interesting one to read, I don’t think this would be one.
First Impression: 8/10
The poster was nice but could’ve been a bit brighter because it is trying to make SHINee happy and all “angelic”. The background is okay but it slightly interfered with the text at some parts of each chapter.
Forewords: 9/10
The forewords were very well written and included all the things that was needed; e.g. Necessary information, summary, character descriptions, preview, etc. A foreword like yours would most likely capture readers. Glad you did a good job on it. I had to deduct just one mark because I just feel something is missing from it, I do not know what but something is.
Plot: 13/15
I found the plot very interesting to read because it just captured me once I started reading. It’s a very exciting and capturing storyline indeed. Although it’s not quite original as there are a few of similar storylines like this, yours is modified a bit which meant it’s not “cliché”. But well done on creating the plot, I really enjoyed it. However, I have not read the ending so I’m not able to judge it fairly well so I gave you a pretty high mark.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
As I said above, it’s not original but indeed creative. You had parts that really lightened up your story and made so much more exciting to read and for readers/myself to continue on reading. When I started reading, your story literally ‘hooked’ because I just loved it. You can improve but making it more “original” and doing/adding things that no one has done before, just rack your brain.
Flow: 8/10
The flow at the beginning was quite well; everything flowed well and nicely but then started to feel like you were rushing in the middle of the story? It really did. Even though the story isn’t finished, from what I’ve read it really seems like you’re rushing the part where Key and the reader are starting to like each other or actually Key liking the reader.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
You didn’t have many huge mistakes or errors, just some here and there. All three; spelling, grammar and vocabulary were pretty okay. Just a tip, reading your work or asking a peer to check it for you will help but you probably do that anyways.
Characterisation: 8/10
You gave pretty good character descriptions in the story. I understood the reader and SHINee well, but not greatly well. You can improve but adding more information about the characters and also like background details too. If you do that, you’ll find that readers and reviewers will find it much easier to understand things well.
Writing Style: 8/10
Your writing style was pretty good. I favour your writing style because it’s understandable, neat, clear and isn’t all over the place. No criticism here, just compliments. Good job.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
Sub Total: 81/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 84/100
I enjoyed reading your story as I’m a very huge fan of SHINee, especially Key.
I hoped your learnt something and thanks for requesting from i-DEAS :]
I’m a strict reviewer so don’t be let down by my overall total.
Author: SuperSapphire
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/SuperSapphire7
Reviewer: dramafreak4eva @ thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com
Title: 3/5
Since the story isn’t finished, I don’t think the title is really all that suiting to the storyline. I mean, the story is actually revolved around the “Evil SHINee” than more of the “Angel SHINee” but I guess if you mean in the end they change because of the reader then, it suits the storyline. The title is slightly long but usually length doesn’t matter. If I were skimming through titles and choosing an interesting one to read, I don’t think this would be one.
First Impression: 8/10
The poster was nice but could’ve been a bit brighter because it is trying to make SHINee happy and all “angelic”. The background is okay but it slightly interfered with the text at some parts of each chapter.
Forewords: 9/10
The forewords were very well written and included all the things that was needed; e.g. Necessary information, summary, character descriptions, preview, etc. A foreword like yours would most likely capture readers. Glad you did a good job on it. I had to deduct just one mark because I just feel something is missing from it, I do not know what but something is.
Plot: 13/15
I found the plot very interesting to read because it just captured me once I started reading. It’s a very exciting and capturing storyline indeed. Although it’s not quite original as there are a few of similar storylines like this, yours is modified a bit which meant it’s not “cliché”. But well done on creating the plot, I really enjoyed it. However, I have not read the ending so I’m not able to judge it fairly well so I gave you a pretty high mark.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
As I said above, it’s not original but indeed creative. You had parts that really lightened up your story and made so much more exciting to read and for readers/myself to continue on reading. When I started reading, your story literally ‘hooked’ because I just loved it. You can improve but making it more “original” and doing/adding things that no one has done before, just rack your brain.
Flow: 8/10
The flow at the beginning was quite well; everything flowed well and nicely but then started to feel like you were rushing in the middle of the story? It really did. Even though the story isn’t finished, from what I’ve read it really seems like you’re rushing the part where Key and the reader are starting to like each other or actually Key liking the reader.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
You didn’t have many huge mistakes or errors, just some here and there. All three; spelling, grammar and vocabulary were pretty okay. Just a tip, reading your work or asking a peer to check it for you will help but you probably do that anyways.
Characterisation: 8/10
You gave pretty good character descriptions in the story. I understood the reader and SHINee well, but not greatly well. You can improve but adding more information about the characters and also like background details too. If you do that, you’ll find that readers and reviewers will find it much easier to understand things well.
Writing Style: 8/10
Your writing style was pretty good. I favour your writing style because it’s understandable, neat, clear and isn’t all over the place. No criticism here, just compliments. Good job.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
Sub Total: 81/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 84/100
I enjoyed reading your story as I’m a very huge fan of SHINee, especially Key.
I hoped your learnt something and thanks for requesting from i-DEAS :]
I’m a strict reviewer so don’t be let down by my overall total.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Illusion of Forever; Goodbye
Title: Illusion of Forever; Goodbye
Author: Sung.ii.ee
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/IoFG/
Reviewer: dramafreak4eva @ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 5/5
It did suit the story well and if I were going through a list of titles, I’ll choose this one because it does sound and look eye catching and fascinating. It’s a well chosen title even if it is slightly long.
First Impression: 8/10
The poster could’ve been better but the mood of it suited the story well.
Forewords: 6/10
The forewords were very short for a normal foreword. More descriptions should’ve and could’ve been added just to lighten the mood and also let the readers get more information of the main characters and summary. Although you did add all of the necessary information such as title, genre, length etc, a character description would’ve just been great. A preview would’ve been great if added, just to capture the reader’s attention at first sight. Yes, it’s based on a song but more background information is needed.
Plot: 13/15
The plot is very interesting and capturing because it’s a very unique storyline. Once I got started, it just seemed like the atmosphere was different from a normal story. I do not know why and what it felt like but I’m sure it was just different. Once I got into the storyline, I knew it would be a very good story and since you had got good writing skills, the story was even better. The ending I thought, could’ve been better although what you wrote was good.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
It is creative and also original. I don’t think I have read a story like this before, maybe I have but this for sure, is one of the stories I’ve read like this. It is based on a song so I deducted a few marks. Other than that, very interesting to read and I just couldn’t stop reading when once I started it.
Flow: 8/10
Everything flowed pretty well, although the ending seemed a bit rushed. Since it was well written, no criticisms. There wasn’t anything dragging on and on which some cliché story does and that really makes me frustrated and also nothing was out of the ordinary.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
I didn’t have any huge problems with your spelling or vocabulary. Your grammar, I did found some slightly small errors but they aren’t that noticeable so it’ll pass. Remember, reading over your work helps but that’s probably what you already do.
Characterisation: 9/10
You have very good characterisations in the story. Details were clear and I can imagine almost every scene inside my head while reading your story. I got confused at first about the characters because it seemed like you were skipping parts and so I didn’t get it. And then, I finally got the characters, not clearly but I understood them pretty well.
Writing Style: 9/10
You have a great writing style. It’s understandable, easy to read, clear and not messy. As I said before, I can imagine the scenes in my head pretty clearly. I really liked you how set everything out. Good work, no criticism from me.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Sub Total: 83/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 87/100
Thanks for requesting at i-DEAS! Don’t be let down by my score, I’m a strict reviewer and that is a high mark for my reviewing overall totals.
Author: Sung.ii.ee
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/IoFG/
Reviewer: dramafreak4eva @ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 5/5
It did suit the story well and if I were going through a list of titles, I’ll choose this one because it does sound and look eye catching and fascinating. It’s a well chosen title even if it is slightly long.
First Impression: 8/10
The poster could’ve been better but the mood of it suited the story well.
Forewords: 6/10
The forewords were very short for a normal foreword. More descriptions should’ve and could’ve been added just to lighten the mood and also let the readers get more information of the main characters and summary. Although you did add all of the necessary information such as title, genre, length etc, a character description would’ve just been great. A preview would’ve been great if added, just to capture the reader’s attention at first sight. Yes, it’s based on a song but more background information is needed.
Plot: 13/15
The plot is very interesting and capturing because it’s a very unique storyline. Once I got started, it just seemed like the atmosphere was different from a normal story. I do not know why and what it felt like but I’m sure it was just different. Once I got into the storyline, I knew it would be a very good story and since you had got good writing skills, the story was even better. The ending I thought, could’ve been better although what you wrote was good.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
It is creative and also original. I don’t think I have read a story like this before, maybe I have but this for sure, is one of the stories I’ve read like this. It is based on a song so I deducted a few marks. Other than that, very interesting to read and I just couldn’t stop reading when once I started it.
Flow: 8/10
Everything flowed pretty well, although the ending seemed a bit rushed. Since it was well written, no criticisms. There wasn’t anything dragging on and on which some cliché story does and that really makes me frustrated and also nothing was out of the ordinary.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
I didn’t have any huge problems with your spelling or vocabulary. Your grammar, I did found some slightly small errors but they aren’t that noticeable so it’ll pass. Remember, reading over your work helps but that’s probably what you already do.
Characterisation: 9/10
You have very good characterisations in the story. Details were clear and I can imagine almost every scene inside my head while reading your story. I got confused at first about the characters because it seemed like you were skipping parts and so I didn’t get it. And then, I finally got the characters, not clearly but I understood them pretty well.
Writing Style: 9/10
You have a great writing style. It’s understandable, easy to read, clear and not messy. As I said before, I can imagine the scenes in my head pretty clearly. I really liked you how set everything out. Good work, no criticism from me.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Sub Total: 83/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 87/100
Thanks for requesting at i-DEAS! Don’t be let down by my score, I’m a strict reviewer and that is a high mark for my reviewing overall totals.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Summer Dream by eternalflower
Title: Summer Dream
Title: 3/5
I usually don’t like song titles being used as a story title since it would not grab my attention on a normal basis if I was merely skimming through a bunch of stories. On the other hand, I am glad to find out that the title DID fit very well with the story itself. I definitely got the dream like feeling from the story, although I think “Stand By U” would have been a better title based on the deeper meaning of the story and the fact that the quote came from the song. But “Summer Dream” is not bad. (I realize that sounded a bit contradictory. All in all, your title is fine. I’m just being picky.)
First Impression: 7/10
I like the simplicity of the poster. It looks very nice with the black tint and sort of old movie like marks all over it. I feel it shows JaeJoong’s heart throughout the whole story quite well. However, the description threw me off a bit. I had a feel the plot was going to be very cliché and boring. One glimpse at the forewords and I decided to give it a chance. The format seemed interesting and well-written.
Forewords: 7/10
The foreword was very poetic. It was great how you used such colorful language to describe pretty much how JaeJoong was feeling for the beginning. The bolding of the two important parts was good. Not to mention it did a great job of catching my interest. My only issue is the description you put down. I feel as though that ruined pretty much the whole story. I already knew what the whole story was about before reading the story. I think if you got rid of the description, I think the forewords would be much better.
Plot: 10/15
Like I said before, the plot was very cliché. However, I liked how you wrote it. The story made me feel pretty warm and fluffy throughout the whole thing. The personality of JinHee was what made the story enjoyable. Because most of my points about the plot are also in other categories, I will leave it at that.
Creativity/Originality: 8/15
The plot has been done a hundred times over. It is one of the most easily used romantic plots. I could predict what could happen very accurately from the very beginning after I read the description. There were no twists or turns that surprised me. It was very straightforward and I am very big on originality. So this is the reason why your score is so low.
Flow: 10/10
The story flowed perfectly. Not a fan of cliché plots, but I do like the story because it was well-written. I saw no strange transitions in the story or anything out of the ordinary that had nothing to do with the story. Good job.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I didn’t have much of an issue with this. I am a stickler for this stuff though. So here are a few things that I caught.
For one thing, when you are quoting someone, you should only connect the sentences if the action is in fact a speaking action.
For example: Jaejoong raises his eyebrows, wiggling it up and down in flirting manner, “Want me to come with you?”
Since raising his eyebrows isn’t a speaking action such as “flirted” or something like that of some sort, there shouldn’t be a comma but a period. So the quotation would be a sentence on its own. And if the quotation has no relation to the action, then it should start a new paragraph. There also shouldn’t be more than two quotations in one paragraph.
So the sentence above should be either:
Jaejoong raises his eyebrows, wiggling it up and down in flirting manner. “Want me to come with you?”
or
Jaejoong raises his eyebrows, wiggling it up and down in flirting manner.
“Want me to come with you?”
Here’s another example:
“You deserve it, playboy! You’ve been seducing women with that finger, huh!” she stomps her feet, angrily, walking away from the pained Jaejoong.
I would fix it like this:
“You deserve it, playboy! You’ve been seducing women with that finger, huh!” She stomps her feet, angrily, walking away from the pained Jaejoong.
And here:
“Here. You dropped it.” He says.
Since “says” is a speaking action, “He” should be lowercase and the period should be a comma like this: “Here. You dropped it,” he says.
Characterization: 8/10
JinHee was characterized very well. I loved how you did not straight up tell me who she was but rather showed me through her actions and her words. I feel that proper characterization is making the characters unique to their personalities. The only issue I had was that I felt JinHee’s character was perhaps a bit bland. I felt that JinHee didn’t really have much flair to her. JaeJoong was done well. I liked how he seemed like a playboy but was really trying to get JinHee’s attention.
Writing Style: 9/10
You have a great writing style. I can imagine the scenes very clearly in my head with a bright sun shining down throughout. It felt warm and cozy. The point I took off was because of some of the dialog structure that I mentioned in the grammar part. I felt that it made the story seem a bit messy. Overall, keep up the good work.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
It was cliché, but I do like your writing style, which I think was what made all the difference and this story a success, a very cute couple too.
Sub Total: 76/100
Bonus: 5/5
I am a JaeJoong fan. XD Bad Kira for being subjective.
Total: 81/100
Author: eternalflower
Reviewer: Kira @ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
I usually don’t like song titles being used as a story title since it would not grab my attention on a normal basis if I was merely skimming through a bunch of stories. On the other hand, I am glad to find out that the title DID fit very well with the story itself. I definitely got the dream like feeling from the story, although I think “Stand By U” would have been a better title based on the deeper meaning of the story and the fact that the quote came from the song. But “Summer Dream” is not bad. (I realize that sounded a bit contradictory. All in all, your title is fine. I’m just being picky.)
First Impression: 7/10
I like the simplicity of the poster. It looks very nice with the black tint and sort of old movie like marks all over it. I feel it shows JaeJoong’s heart throughout the whole story quite well. However, the description threw me off a bit. I had a feel the plot was going to be very cliché and boring. One glimpse at the forewords and I decided to give it a chance. The format seemed interesting and well-written.
Forewords: 7/10
The foreword was very poetic. It was great how you used such colorful language to describe pretty much how JaeJoong was feeling for the beginning. The bolding of the two important parts was good. Not to mention it did a great job of catching my interest. My only issue is the description you put down. I feel as though that ruined pretty much the whole story. I already knew what the whole story was about before reading the story. I think if you got rid of the description, I think the forewords would be much better.
Plot: 10/15
Like I said before, the plot was very cliché. However, I liked how you wrote it. The story made me feel pretty warm and fluffy throughout the whole thing. The personality of JinHee was what made the story enjoyable. Because most of my points about the plot are also in other categories, I will leave it at that.
Creativity/Originality: 8/15
The plot has been done a hundred times over. It is one of the most easily used romantic plots. I could predict what could happen very accurately from the very beginning after I read the description. There were no twists or turns that surprised me. It was very straightforward and I am very big on originality. So this is the reason why your score is so low.
Flow: 10/10
The story flowed perfectly. Not a fan of cliché plots, but I do like the story because it was well-written. I saw no strange transitions in the story or anything out of the ordinary that had nothing to do with the story. Good job.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I didn’t have much of an issue with this. I am a stickler for this stuff though. So here are a few things that I caught.
For one thing, when you are quoting someone, you should only connect the sentences if the action is in fact a speaking action.
For example: Jaejoong raises his eyebrows, wiggling it up and down in flirting manner, “Want me to come with you?”
Since raising his eyebrows isn’t a speaking action such as “flirted” or something like that of some sort, there shouldn’t be a comma but a period. So the quotation would be a sentence on its own. And if the quotation has no relation to the action, then it should start a new paragraph. There also shouldn’t be more than two quotations in one paragraph.
So the sentence above should be either:
Jaejoong raises his eyebrows, wiggling it up and down in flirting manner. “Want me to come with you?”
or
Jaejoong raises his eyebrows, wiggling it up and down in flirting manner.
“Want me to come with you?”
Here’s another example:
“You deserve it, playboy! You’ve been seducing women with that finger, huh!” she stomps her feet, angrily, walking away from the pained Jaejoong.
I would fix it like this:
“You deserve it, playboy! You’ve been seducing women with that finger, huh!” She stomps her feet, angrily, walking away from the pained Jaejoong.
And here:
“Here. You dropped it.” He says.
Since “says” is a speaking action, “He” should be lowercase and the period should be a comma like this: “Here. You dropped it,” he says.
Characterization: 8/10
JinHee was characterized very well. I loved how you did not straight up tell me who she was but rather showed me through her actions and her words. I feel that proper characterization is making the characters unique to their personalities. The only issue I had was that I felt JinHee’s character was perhaps a bit bland. I felt that JinHee didn’t really have much flair to her. JaeJoong was done well. I liked how he seemed like a playboy but was really trying to get JinHee’s attention.
Writing Style: 9/10
You have a great writing style. I can imagine the scenes very clearly in my head with a bright sun shining down throughout. It felt warm and cozy. The point I took off was because of some of the dialog structure that I mentioned in the grammar part. I felt that it made the story seem a bit messy. Overall, keep up the good work.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
It was cliché, but I do like your writing style, which I think was what made all the difference and this story a success, a very cute couple too.
Sub Total: 76/100
Bonus: 5/5
I am a JaeJoong fan. XD Bad Kira for being subjective.
Total: 81/100
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Some Like It Secret by GD-Babyism
Title: Some Like It Secret
Title 4/5:
The title I thought was eyecatching and quite mysterious which lurns the reader in, but there's something about the way it's written that seems a bit iffy to me. To me, it'll sound better if it was like "Some like it AS A SECRET" but that's just my opinion on it.
First Impression 7/10:
The poster was good, but it just seems like the characters aren't blended it well together. It doesn't seem much of an attention grabber.
Forewords 9/10:
This was a very very good forewords in my opinion. It really captures the reader's attention and it appears quite suspenseful. I like the way you did your characters but it did lack the appearance of the characters which I did take the mark off for.
Plot 11/15:
The plot is quite amusing to read but I think you tried to include too many events happening at the same time. Sometimes, it does get quite confusing.
Originality 9/15:
This plot has been done quite a number of times and like you said, it's your typical Gossip Girl, high school drama kinda thing, which isn't really original. However, some of your ideas were a first I've read so I didn't take that many marks off.
Flow 9/10:
It flowed very well. It's just the occasional confusion here and there.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary 10/10:
I hardly found any mistakes here and your range of vocab is quite good.
Characterisation 7/10:
I thought there were a bit too many characters needed which does confuse the reader sometimes. And some of your characters seem extremely similar to one another.
Writing Style 8/10:
I adored your writing style. I truly did. But there are times where long sentences and massive paragraphs did bug me. It seemed like you tried to add unnecessary words into it to make it seem more sophisticated and detailed which isn't always a good thing.
Overall Enjoyment 4/5:
I really enjoyed reading the story. It's just those little things about your writing style and characterisation here and there that irked me.
Sub Total:
79/100
Bonus points 3/5:
I'm sorry it took soooooo long !!!
Total; 82/100
Author: GD-Babyism
Reviewer: ForgottenJuliet @ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
The title I thought was eyecatching and quite mysterious which lurns the reader in, but there's something about the way it's written that seems a bit iffy to me. To me, it'll sound better if it was like "Some like it AS A SECRET" but that's just my opinion on it.
First Impression 7/10:
The poster was good, but it just seems like the characters aren't blended it well together. It doesn't seem much of an attention grabber.
Forewords 9/10:
This was a very very good forewords in my opinion. It really captures the reader's attention and it appears quite suspenseful. I like the way you did your characters but it did lack the appearance of the characters which I did take the mark off for.
Plot 11/15:
The plot is quite amusing to read but I think you tried to include too many events happening at the same time. Sometimes, it does get quite confusing.
Originality 9/15:
This plot has been done quite a number of times and like you said, it's your typical Gossip Girl, high school drama kinda thing, which isn't really original. However, some of your ideas were a first I've read so I didn't take that many marks off.
Flow 9/10:
It flowed very well. It's just the occasional confusion here and there.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary 10/10:
I hardly found any mistakes here and your range of vocab is quite good.
Characterisation 7/10:
I thought there were a bit too many characters needed which does confuse the reader sometimes. And some of your characters seem extremely similar to one another.
Writing Style 8/10:
I adored your writing style. I truly did. But there are times where long sentences and massive paragraphs did bug me. It seemed like you tried to add unnecessary words into it to make it seem more sophisticated and detailed which isn't always a good thing.
Overall Enjoyment 4/5:
I really enjoyed reading the story. It's just those little things about your writing style and characterisation here and there that irked me.
Sub Total:
79/100
Bonus points 3/5:
I'm sorry it took soooooo long !!!
Total; 82/100
Living with the Dead by icecreamiie
Title: Living with the Dead
Author: icecreamiie
Reviewer: Andi @ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Ivy grew up being an only child; a girl that liked to be by herself and always isolated herself from her peers. Shehad always played with her own toys, always sat by herself in class and had rarely talked to anyone except for answering the teachers questions. At home, she locked herself in her room, and only came out when it was dinner time or for toilet breaks. Her peers knew of this behavior of hers, and avoided her at all cost because of the anti-social aura she emitted from herself. This didn’t help with her self-esteem, as it only encouraged her to isolate herself from the social world even more.
Her anti-social behavior only grew worse, to the point of depression.
At the age of 17, Ivy became known as the anti-social queen of her high school: a person that was not only avoided at all cost by everyone, but was the center of attention when it came to bullying. Her classmates ignored her when she finally tried to participate in group activities; her teachers would put her at the back of the room and treat her presence as merely a shadow in the back corner. Though she tried really hard to fit in at high school, no one ever gave her a second chance to express herself; no one even acknowledged her presence in the world.
At home, her time was spent crying. She was sad that no one let her join in their groups and activities; she was sad that no one ever considered talking to her. She regretted her past actions during her childhood, where she was so anti-social that she played with no one and made no friends. She regretted not talking to others when she was small, because no one even dared speaking to her now. Her past actions weren’t deliberateto isolate herself from everyone; it was only caused by her being an only child and having no experience in being around others. Now, tears were her comforting friends—tears that expressed all her sadness and sorrow, tears that were kept inside her for too long.
Her last year of high school wasby far the worse year of her life so far. It was then that her depression reached its peak. People in her year were preparing for their studies and exams; they were busy cramming as much as possible for university entrance exams; and they were trying to fit in as much personal life as possible, for it was their last year at school. Unlike others in her year, Ivy just pushed herself further and further away from all activities at school. Knowing that her efforts to make friends were futile, she ignored all her peers’ comments about her, ignored the comments from her teacher at school, and tried to study alone for her coming exams.
Life was cruel for Ivy. While she tried to take no notice of everyone at school, the heart-wrenching pain of being ignored by everyone was excruciating for her. Left out of activities involving the seniors, she had to bear all the pain of watching everyone prepare for fun while she was lonelyand by herself.
Her life was no different at home. With her parents working all the time, Ivy spent most of her time in her room weepingby herself. She always went into a small corner of her room, pulled her legs high against her chest, and wrapped her arms tightly around her legs to keep her warm—to protect her from all of the coldness and cruelty of life. She buried her face into her legs and wept in silence, the tears dropping effortlessly down her pale face. Her tears fell like a pouring tap—pouring out all of her pain, streaming down without knowing when to stop.
Her heart clenched in pain as the images of her peers mocking her flew through her mind: images of people desperately trying to avoid her and laughing at her behind her back. As she remembered these painful images, her tears fell down faster; her arms tightened even harder around her legs. She wanted to block out all the people around her, all the spiteful things in the world. It was unbearable for her.
It pained her to know that she was living in a world where she didn’t belong; her heart ached when no one understood her and her feelings; and it killed her to know that her presence was shadowed by minorities in life. No one ever took her seriously. Life WAS cruel. Her world was like living with the dead: a world where days would pass but no one would acknowledge her presence; a world where everyone acted as though they were soulless—lifeless—around her.
__________
The hot scorching summer left as the cool autumn breeze took its place. The autumn trees painted the ground with gold and orange leaves, giving the sign that winter was on its way. As the cold winter times swept by, it welcomedin the warm spring time where everything could start anew. And as the spring flower burst into full color, it awaited the hot summer breeze to come by again—the time when senior students were ready to graduate and leave school. Ivy’s last year of high school passed by as fast as the seasons changed, but Ivy still suffered through the same ordeal every single day. During her graduation ceremony, she sat quietly through all the speeches from her peers, and quietly got up to receive her diploma and walked away from the ceremony once it ended.
She wanted to walk away from all the misery that took place in her old high school. She wanted to leave behind all the painful memories she had to deal with inher high school. Once she stepped foot outside the barriers of her high school, she vowed to never look back. She was walking away from her painful past; she wanted to start anew with the years to come.
The End
This was a very well-written story. I was very impressed with the grammar, the vocabulary, and the colorful imagery you provided about a very lonely girl. There were a few mistakes—nothing too big. Watch your tenses; there were times where you’d slip from the past tense to the present tense. Also, there were a few words written in an older style (ex: colour, behaviour, etc.). I’m not sure if your teacher wants that or not, but there is no need to be so formal.
There were some unneeded words here and there, and I slashed through them to show that the sentence would be okay without them.
Your punctuation is spot-on (no pun intended). I’m relieved that you know what the heck a semicolon is, and how it can replace a period more or less. Use colons and dashes to make your writing neater. Believe me, it flows smoother. I also highlighted some words that work better with the sentence.
It’s ultimately up to you whether or not you take my advice. As for a grade, I think this piece gets you an A. Not an A-, because it’s better, and not an A+ because there were a few mistakes here and there. I know you can perfect this. Hope everything goes good for your English class, and please request from i-DEAS again!
This is quite unlike anything I’ve reviewed before. Most things I review are fan fiction and stories. But this is an English assignment. This is something I have to view differently than all the other reviews I’ve done. You won’t exactly earn a grade from me since this isn’t a normal review, but I’ll do the best I can and hopefully my advice will help you in the long run. It may be more helpful to seek a beta-reader than a reviewer, though.
Have you ever...
Felt like your living in a world where you don’t quite belong?
Felt as though others do not understand you?
Felt as though your presence is shadowed by minorities in life?
Have you ever had this feeling,
The heart-wrenching feeling where no one takes you serious?
Life can be cruel.
It’s like living with the dead.
The stage where you step between teenage life and adulthood was suppose to be a nice time; the time when you’re enjoying both your last moments of childhood and experiencing your first few moments of freedom. But for a girl named Ivy, her stage took a completely different route; her pathway wasn’t as easy as she thought it would be.Felt like your living in a world where you don’t quite belong?
Felt as though others do not understand you?
Felt as though your presence is shadowed by minorities in life?
Have you ever had this feeling,
The heart-wrenching feeling where no one takes you serious?
Life can be cruel.
It’s like living with the dead.
Ivy grew up being an only child; a girl that liked to be by herself and always isolated herself from her peers. She
Her anti-social behavior only grew worse, to the point of depression.
At the age of 17, Ivy became known as the anti-social queen of her high school: a person that was not only avoided at all cost by everyone, but was the center of attention when it came to bullying. Her classmates ignored her when she finally tried to participate in group activities; her teachers would put her at the back of the room and treat her presence as merely a shadow in the back corner. Though she tried really hard to fit in at high school, no one ever gave her a second chance to express herself; no one even acknowledged her presence in the world.
At home, her time was spent crying. She was sad that no one let her join in their groups and activities; she was sad that no one ever considered talking to her. She regretted her past actions during her childhood, where she was so anti-social that she played with no one and made no friends. She regretted not talking to others when she was small, because no one even dared speaking to her now. Her past actions weren’t deliberate
Her last year of high school was
Life was cruel for Ivy. While she tried to take no notice of everyone at school, the heart-wrenching pain of being ignored by everyone was excruciating for her. Left out of activities involving the seniors, she had to bear all the pain of watching everyone prepare for fun while she was lonely
Her life was no different at home. With her parents working all the time, Ivy spent most of her time in her room weeping
Her heart clenched in pain as the images of her peers mocking her flew through her mind: images of people desperately trying to avoid her and laughing at her behind her back. As she remembered these painful images, her tears fell down faster; her arms tightened even harder around her legs. She wanted to block out all the people around her, all the spiteful things in the world. It was unbearable for her.
It pained her to know that she was living in a world where she didn’t belong; her heart ached when no one understood her and her feelings; and it killed her to know that her presence was shadowed by minorities in life. No one ever took her seriously. Life WAS cruel. Her world was like living with the dead: a world where days would pass but no one would acknowledge her presence; a world where everyone acted as though they were soulless—lifeless—around her.
__________
The hot scorching summer left as the cool autumn breeze took its place. The autumn trees painted the ground with gold and orange leaves, giving the sign that winter was on its way. As the cold winter times swept by, it welcomed
She wanted to walk away from all the misery that took place in her old high school. She wanted to leave behind all the painful memories she had to deal with in
The End
This was a very well-written story. I was very impressed with the grammar, the vocabulary, and the colorful imagery you provided about a very lonely girl. There were a few mistakes—nothing too big. Watch your tenses; there were times where you’d slip from the past tense to the present tense. Also, there were a few words written in an older style (ex: colour, behaviour, etc.). I’m not sure if your teacher wants that or not, but there is no need to be so formal.
There were some unneeded words here and there, and I slashed through them to show that the sentence would be okay without them.
Your punctuation is spot-on (no pun intended). I’m relieved that you know what the heck a semicolon is, and how it can replace a period more or less. Use colons and dashes to make your writing neater. Believe me, it flows smoother. I also highlighted some words that work better with the sentence.
It’s ultimately up to you whether or not you take my advice. As for a grade, I think this piece gets you an A. Not an A-, because it’s better, and not an A+ because there were a few mistakes here and there. I know you can perfect this. Hope everything goes good for your English class, and please request from i-DEAS again!
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