Title: Cry
Author: Anna
Link: www.winglin.net/fanfic/cry_AS/
Status: One Shot
Reviewer: Lyselmae Atienza – Latienza @ Rawr.Out.Loud
*NOTE* Do not be insulted by the comments that I, the reviewer, make. I am here to help the author and not criticize the author. I have nothing against the writer. I am a STRICT reviewer, so please do expect reasonable grades.– Latienza
Title: 4/5
Your title is very simple, yet unique. The connection between the title and the story is very strong. Like you said, the mood of the poster wasn’t really great. The poster is great, there’s only a somewhat connection between the title and poster concerning the MOOD. Besides that, I liked your title.
First Impression: 9/10
Your fic was very clean and well organized. Everything was intact.
Forewords: 9/10
Your forewords were great! It was well detailed, yet it didn’t give away the story. The only thing, I would say, you were missing was the introduction of the author/characters. I have nothing else to say but great job :)
Plot: 15/15
I would say that this is one of the best ‘sad’ plots I’ve read. Everything was connected and well organized. I really didn’t expect a sad ending but it was surprising. It wasn’t at all bad.
Creativity/Originality: 14/15
You added a lot of creativity and originality into this story. Concerning your creativity, your poster was great. In the story, instead of a fictional character, you used yourself as a lead. This goes also for the originality. The plot was your originality itself.
Flow: 10/10
The flow was perfect. It wasn’t too fast or to slow. I loved reading it.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
You were awesome with your English. Your language was very deep. You made 1-2 mistakes. It may be too small to notice. For example:
“letting them fell with a loud thud.” Your tense here was wrong. ‘fell’ should be ‘fall’
But that was just a small mistake.
Also, try not using complex words all the time because people may get confused or maybe have no idea what you’re saying, right? Besides all that, you should continue what you’re doing.
Characterisation: 10/10
I have nothing against your characters. During the story, you let the readers learn about the character’s personalities. It was perfect.
Writing Style: 10/10
Your writing style was great. It was very easy to read, yet it was professionally done and written.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I liked your story.
Sub Total: 93/100
Bonus: 2/5
1. For giving me the honour in reviewing your story.
2. Saving me from writing a long review.
Total: 95/100
Friday, July 31, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
SiHan - Eternal Love by Nyssaki
Author : Nyssaki
Title : SiHan- Eternal Love
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Nyssaki/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 2/5
I am confused, is your title SiHan- Eternal Love or Drabblers? I'm going to go with the first one since that's the title given in the review form. Basically, I don't want to talk more on this since the title is plain and common. Eternal love, I was expecting for more (I'm a reviewer who has high hopes on good fanfics) but the title didn't really catch me so I had to pause on reading your fanfic and continue some other time. I would suggest you to remove the 'SiHan' since it is not necessary and there is already a space to tell who your characters are, so the 'SiHan' isn't actually a MUST in the title.
First impression : 1/10
No, sorry but my first impression wasn't really good since the page didn't attract me. There was no poster to look forward too and you didn't change the default colors either. I don't like giving low marks to people but there will be some times when I have to, in order for the to improve.
Forewords : 0/10
Shall I say why? Yes, it's because of your forewords has no introduction to the story. It's either you don't know how forewords in winglin works or you just don't want to include anything in the foreword. Here's what you can do; post up a brief summary of the story indicating how the story will be. Don't you think people will be curious to know what this piece of writing is hiding? It's time to unravel the story slowly by developing your story introduction.
Plot : 11/15
It was sooo confusing at first but I got hold of it slowly. Your plot is actually, very randomly done. Like, I didn't know if I were still reading in that situation where Hankyung and Siwon were in the hotel or were I reading another scene where Hankyung got shot? I was so dumbfounded and I didn't know what to do but to continue reading. The last bit was much better as I finally got on the road to the story. You should really separate if there are different events happening and DO NOT put them in one as we will assume that one paragraph is actually connected to the previous paragraph. However, I like how you made twist to the story, although not much but it made the story better.
Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
Let's start with why I like your story. It's maybe because this is the first YAOI story that ever made sense to me (so far) because they didn't just fall in love in a cliché mood. Unlike other stories, they will make you want to rip the characters off because of the 'out-reality' mood. This story contains obstacles, which I really like to see. It shows how an individual is committed to his/her surrounding and how they overcome it. Still, the originality isn't much but your creativity helped.
Flow : 8/10
This is one-shot right? I completely disagree to what you've done to the first chapter. It was very long. Why long chapters are not recommended to one-shots? It is because readers will generally lose their interest if they see such long chapters with boring lines. Truthfully, I was the same at first when I read this. I wanted to skip until I reach the end, but I had to read carefully because I have responsibility as a reviewer to do so. If your one-shot is long, you might want to change it to two-shots instead so you won't lose your writing versatility.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Some mistakes spotted. Well, maybe more but these are the obvious ones you can see.
-He’s mouth was wide open, he wanted to scream, but nothing came through. He’s vision were now blurred from the tears that flew freely down his cheeks, he was crying hysterically at the sight of his lovers lifeless body. He’s secretary ran through the door and tried to calm him.
Replaced ** His mouth was wide open, ready to scream but nothing came out. His vision was blurred from the tears that flowed freely down his cheeks, crying hysterically at the sight of his lover's lifeless body. His secretary ran to the door and tried to calm him down
First, don't you mean “his” instead of “he's”? Because “he's” simply means HE IS and it would be 'he is mouth wide open (.....) and that doesn't sound right. Second, flew is FLY in past tense, and tears don't fly, neither do they fly down his cheeks. He has only one vision, so you should put WAS instead of WERE. Lastly, “his lovers lifeless body”, you miss the apostrophes in LOVER. I know you mean lover's body instead of LOVERS body
`````
-Wednesday? Siwon thought. The last him he remembered was leaving the office on a Wednesday because of… because of… he couldn’t remember.
Replaced*** Wednesday? Siwon thought. The last TIME he remembered was leaving his office on Wednesday because of – because of – he couldn't remember.
`````
There isn't any new word that I can learn from. You can improve your vocabulary usage by reading your friend's fanfics and learn from them.
Characterization : 8.5/10
I like how you included Heechul in this and although not all of them were described nicely, I still want to credit you for trying to tell more on what each of them does. That's a good thing.
Writing style : 8/10
Good, but you should separate when different people are talking. It confuses me. Also like I mentioned earlier, improve on the timing of different scene.
Overall enjoyment : 2/5
Not much at first but I liked it when Heechul was praying for his brother's sake and how he got involved in the accident just cause he was rushing to see Hankyung.
Sub total : 58.5/100
Bonus : 2/5
Total : 60.5/100
Sorry, your preferred reviewer was not available so I took over in reviewing this fic. Hope you don't mind and keep writing ^^
Title : SiHan- Eternal Love
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Nyssaki/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 2/5
I am confused, is your title SiHan- Eternal Love or Drabblers? I'm going to go with the first one since that's the title given in the review form. Basically, I don't want to talk more on this since the title is plain and common. Eternal love, I was expecting for more (I'm a reviewer who has high hopes on good fanfics) but the title didn't really catch me so I had to pause on reading your fanfic and continue some other time. I would suggest you to remove the 'SiHan' since it is not necessary and there is already a space to tell who your characters are, so the 'SiHan' isn't actually a MUST in the title.
First impression : 1/10
No, sorry but my first impression wasn't really good since the page didn't attract me. There was no poster to look forward too and you didn't change the default colors either. I don't like giving low marks to people but there will be some times when I have to, in order for the to improve.
Forewords : 0/10
Shall I say why? Yes, it's because of your forewords has no introduction to the story. It's either you don't know how forewords in winglin works or you just don't want to include anything in the foreword. Here's what you can do; post up a brief summary of the story indicating how the story will be. Don't you think people will be curious to know what this piece of writing is hiding? It's time to unravel the story slowly by developing your story introduction.
Plot : 11/15
It was sooo confusing at first but I got hold of it slowly. Your plot is actually, very randomly done. Like, I didn't know if I were still reading in that situation where Hankyung and Siwon were in the hotel or were I reading another scene where Hankyung got shot? I was so dumbfounded and I didn't know what to do but to continue reading. The last bit was much better as I finally got on the road to the story. You should really separate if there are different events happening and DO NOT put them in one as we will assume that one paragraph is actually connected to the previous paragraph. However, I like how you made twist to the story, although not much but it made the story better.
Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
Let's start with why I like your story. It's maybe because this is the first YAOI story that ever made sense to me (so far) because they didn't just fall in love in a cliché mood. Unlike other stories, they will make you want to rip the characters off because of the 'out-reality' mood. This story contains obstacles, which I really like to see. It shows how an individual is committed to his/her surrounding and how they overcome it. Still, the originality isn't much but your creativity helped.
Flow : 8/10
This is one-shot right? I completely disagree to what you've done to the first chapter. It was very long. Why long chapters are not recommended to one-shots? It is because readers will generally lose their interest if they see such long chapters with boring lines. Truthfully, I was the same at first when I read this. I wanted to skip until I reach the end, but I had to read carefully because I have responsibility as a reviewer to do so. If your one-shot is long, you might want to change it to two-shots instead so you won't lose your writing versatility.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Some mistakes spotted. Well, maybe more but these are the obvious ones you can see.
-He’s mouth was wide open, he wanted to scream, but nothing came through. He’s vision were now blurred from the tears that flew freely down his cheeks, he was crying hysterically at the sight of his lovers lifeless body. He’s secretary ran through the door and tried to calm him.
Replaced ** His mouth was wide open, ready to scream but nothing came out. His vision was blurred from the tears that flowed freely down his cheeks, crying hysterically at the sight of his lover's lifeless body. His secretary ran to the door and tried to calm him down
First, don't you mean “his” instead of “he's”? Because “he's” simply means HE IS and it would be 'he is mouth wide open (.....) and that doesn't sound right. Second, flew is FLY in past tense, and tears don't fly, neither do they fly down his cheeks. He has only one vision, so you should put WAS instead of WERE. Lastly, “his lovers lifeless body”, you miss the apostrophes in LOVER. I know you mean lover's body instead of LOVERS body
`````
-Wednesday? Siwon thought. The last him he remembered was leaving the office on a Wednesday because of… because of… he couldn’t remember.
Replaced*** Wednesday? Siwon thought. The last TIME he remembered was leaving his office on Wednesday because of – because of – he couldn't remember.
`````
There isn't any new word that I can learn from. You can improve your vocabulary usage by reading your friend's fanfics and learn from them.
Characterization : 8.5/10
I like how you included Heechul in this and although not all of them were described nicely, I still want to credit you for trying to tell more on what each of them does. That's a good thing.
Writing style : 8/10
Good, but you should separate when different people are talking. It confuses me. Also like I mentioned earlier, improve on the timing of different scene.
Overall enjoyment : 2/5
Not much at first but I liked it when Heechul was praying for his brother's sake and how he got involved in the accident just cause he was rushing to see Hankyung.
Sub total : 58.5/100
Bonus : 2/5
Total : 60.5/100
Sorry, your preferred reviewer was not available so I took over in reviewing this fic. Hope you don't mind and keep writing ^^
Arrange Marriage by YSLOVER
Author : YSLOVER
Title : Arrange Marriage [YAOI]
Link : www.winglin.net/fanfic/YSLOVER2
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 2/5
Just plain and it only tells that it's about an arranged marriage. Not really surprising though as your story is basically focused on the marriage. I don't see any hard obstacles to connect to the title of your fic. Still, I was expecting something even brighter and challenging. After all, we're attracting readers. I know that perhaps you have enough readers since there are a lot of Yoosu fans out there but it'll be nicer if you spend your time more to think about a better title.
First impression : 6/10
To start off, I would like to say something about the poster; I like it, but something needs to be done with the contrast and blending. I found it lovely at first and it suits the story but the black background totally kills the whole poster. The poster should go with lighter background, not dark. It gives two feelings at a time; confusion and blurry. Otherwise, it's still nice.
Forewords : 0/10
No introduction, I'm sorry but I am disappointed to give you that score too. I wish I could remove it but it is part of the score-counting, so I can't. Why not produce some introductions or a little snippet of the story to tell us what is going to happen? Based on myself, foreword is what makes people interested to read your fic, so don't miss it.
Plot : 8/15
I am trying my best to be lenient in giving scores but I am sure you know that the plotline is quite confusing and rushed. I don't know if you have noticed but there are many superfluous parts which made me very irritated to see. Like, the part where his mother making her own decision and Junsu wasn't able to fight it. Yoochun plays some kind of dumbfounded guy, which is very irrational to me. I know this is YAOI, but try to reduce the cliché scene. Express more on how the fell in love, why, and how did they go through it. Your plotline is very simple and straightforward, and the chapters are quite short too.
Creativity/ Originality : 9.5/15
Here we go again, I WOULD repeat myself but I hope you won't feel bored reading this. Arrange marriage is something very common, although it merely exists in this modern era. Still, the idea is not brought up originally and the twists are pretty much the same too, which is why you don't have any originality left. Be proud of your creativity, it does help you in the story. The way you make it very hilarious makes me want to read the story more. I love how humor can get in between, so well done.
Flow : 7/10
It was fast alright. At one second, they were fighting and the next, they're married. Slow down the pace a little and describe how things happen. You cannot just rush things as if the characters don't have their own feelings. It's like watching a forwarded movie, it's too fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
I don't see any new, big chunk of words being used. Just a simple English but it's okay as long as you know how to take care of your tenses. Using good vocabulary will help you to improve the way to describe things, thus making your story more interesting and less draggy and less boring. I believe you can improve, there's always room for it.
Characterization : 5/10
Ah, yes. Your characters weren't fully described as the flow was too fast. You didn't explain and dig out their personalities so I couldn't really see through them. All I know that Junsu acts childish and a little bit immature, together with his mother (although he's way different in real life. I respect people's view).
Writing style : 8/10
Quite good but you can still improve with good range of vocabulary. It's spaced out and neat, keep it up.
Overall enjoyment : 5/5
Push all those negative comments aside, I love the fic. It's funny and although the plot is common, I honestly enjoyed reading :)
Especially with the hugging part when Junsu's mother mistook it as “bonding”. A good laugh, thank you for that.
Sub total : 56.5/100
Bonus : 3/5
For the effort.
Total : 59.5/100
I hope you won't be degraded by the score and keep writing ^^ Sorry that your preferred reviewer wasn't available so I had to do it instead. Hwaiting!
Title : Arrange Marriage [YAOI]
Link : www.winglin.net/fanfic/YSLOVER2
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 2/5
Just plain and it only tells that it's about an arranged marriage. Not really surprising though as your story is basically focused on the marriage. I don't see any hard obstacles to connect to the title of your fic. Still, I was expecting something even brighter and challenging. After all, we're attracting readers. I know that perhaps you have enough readers since there are a lot of Yoosu fans out there but it'll be nicer if you spend your time more to think about a better title.
First impression : 6/10
To start off, I would like to say something about the poster; I like it, but something needs to be done with the contrast and blending. I found it lovely at first and it suits the story but the black background totally kills the whole poster. The poster should go with lighter background, not dark. It gives two feelings at a time; confusion and blurry. Otherwise, it's still nice.
Forewords : 0/10
No introduction, I'm sorry but I am disappointed to give you that score too. I wish I could remove it but it is part of the score-counting, so I can't. Why not produce some introductions or a little snippet of the story to tell us what is going to happen? Based on myself, foreword is what makes people interested to read your fic, so don't miss it.
Plot : 8/15
I am trying my best to be lenient in giving scores but I am sure you know that the plotline is quite confusing and rushed. I don't know if you have noticed but there are many superfluous parts which made me very irritated to see. Like, the part where his mother making her own decision and Junsu wasn't able to fight it. Yoochun plays some kind of dumbfounded guy, which is very irrational to me. I know this is YAOI, but try to reduce the cliché scene. Express more on how the fell in love, why, and how did they go through it. Your plotline is very simple and straightforward, and the chapters are quite short too.
Creativity/ Originality : 9.5/15
Here we go again, I WOULD repeat myself but I hope you won't feel bored reading this. Arrange marriage is something very common, although it merely exists in this modern era. Still, the idea is not brought up originally and the twists are pretty much the same too, which is why you don't have any originality left. Be proud of your creativity, it does help you in the story. The way you make it very hilarious makes me want to read the story more. I love how humor can get in between, so well done.
Flow : 7/10
It was fast alright. At one second, they were fighting and the next, they're married. Slow down the pace a little and describe how things happen. You cannot just rush things as if the characters don't have their own feelings. It's like watching a forwarded movie, it's too fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
I don't see any new, big chunk of words being used. Just a simple English but it's okay as long as you know how to take care of your tenses. Using good vocabulary will help you to improve the way to describe things, thus making your story more interesting and less draggy and less boring. I believe you can improve, there's always room for it.
Characterization : 5/10
Ah, yes. Your characters weren't fully described as the flow was too fast. You didn't explain and dig out their personalities so I couldn't really see through them. All I know that Junsu acts childish and a little bit immature, together with his mother (although he's way different in real life. I respect people's view).
Writing style : 8/10
Quite good but you can still improve with good range of vocabulary. It's spaced out and neat, keep it up.
Overall enjoyment : 5/5
Push all those negative comments aside, I love the fic. It's funny and although the plot is common, I honestly enjoyed reading :)
Especially with the hugging part when Junsu's mother mistook it as “bonding”. A good laugh, thank you for that.
Sub total : 56.5/100
Bonus : 3/5
For the effort.
Total : 59.5/100
I hope you won't be degraded by the score and keep writing ^^ Sorry that your preferred reviewer wasn't available so I had to do it instead. Hwaiting!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Be My Escape by Jtoasn
Title: Be My Escape
Author: Jtoasn
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/Jtoasn/
Reviewed By: Ronix ^^ @ RawrOutLoud
Title: 3/5
Your title wasn't really catchy at all...
First Impression: 8/10
I like the poster. It looks fun and filled with enjoyment... ^^
Forewords: 8/10
Interesting. 3 months ? Living together and make an album ?? Keep It Up !
Plot: 14/15
So far, This is my first time reading this kind of plot. Great !
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
Your creativity and originality is visible in your storyline. I'm impressed...
Flow: 7/10
It's kinda rush when the news broke... But, I can see your effort in your story so try to balance the flow. ^^
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary:
5/10 Sorry for giving you a low score in this section but you really need to improve your markings and all like...
Ex.
You wrote:
"Hyung, can you pass me that plate" Sungmin asked.
Correct:
"Hyung, Can you pass me that plate ?" Sungmin asked.
But regarding with your grammar, I spotted some errors but seeing your determination, It makes up for your slight mistakes. Keep It Up !
Characterization: 8/10
The way they share their conversation with each other really tells about their personality. And I have to admit, They're really funny ! =]
Writing Style:
8/10 It doesn't matter what kind of writing style you did but the important thing is that the readers could visualize it and feel the emotion... ^^
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
I had a great time reading your story !
Sub Total: 78/100
Bonus: 3/5
Total: 81/100
I hope I didn't offend you in any way and I hope you take this as a compliment. We reviewers, are here to help motivate authors to be creative and have their sense of originality... God Bless ! Hope you enjoy ! Jiayou ! ^^
Author: Jtoasn
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/Jtoasn/
Reviewed By: Ronix ^^ @ RawrOutLoud
Title: 3/5
Your title wasn't really catchy at all...
First Impression: 8/10
I like the poster. It looks fun and filled with enjoyment... ^^
Forewords: 8/10
Interesting. 3 months ? Living together and make an album ?? Keep It Up !
Plot: 14/15
So far, This is my first time reading this kind of plot. Great !
Creativity/Originality: 13/15
Your creativity and originality is visible in your storyline. I'm impressed...
Flow: 7/10
It's kinda rush when the news broke... But, I can see your effort in your story so try to balance the flow. ^^
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary:
5/10 Sorry for giving you a low score in this section but you really need to improve your markings and all like...
Ex.
You wrote:
"Hyung, can you pass me that plate" Sungmin asked.
Correct:
"Hyung, Can you pass me that plate ?" Sungmin asked.
But regarding with your grammar, I spotted some errors but seeing your determination, It makes up for your slight mistakes. Keep It Up !
Characterization: 8/10
The way they share their conversation with each other really tells about their personality. And I have to admit, They're really funny ! =]
Writing Style:
8/10 It doesn't matter what kind of writing style you did but the important thing is that the readers could visualize it and feel the emotion... ^^
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
I had a great time reading your story !
Sub Total: 78/100
Bonus: 3/5
Total: 81/100
I hope I didn't offend you in any way and I hope you take this as a compliment. We reviewers, are here to help motivate authors to be creative and have their sense of originality... God Bless ! Hope you enjoy ! Jiayou ! ^^
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Clown Love by Xiaoxi
Title: Clown Love
Author: Xiaoxi
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/clownlove
Reviewed By: Ronix ^^ @ RawrOutLoud
Title: 4/5
So mysterious, It gives a lot of curiousness and excitement. =]
First Impression: 8/10
Like the poster ! It's cool and it increases their interests in your story if you have an awesome background and poster for it. ^^
Forewords: 10/10
Bravo ! Love the introductions and the "so called" interview. This is really something... =]
Plot: 13/15
It's unique ! It's like a story of a person who always like to smile and laugh on the outside but hides all the misery inside and never reveals it.
Creativity/Originality: 15/15
You are one of a kind, Impressive ! =]
Flow: 8/10
It wasn't too slow it wasn't too fast, Everything was just fine. =]
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
Maybe you can say that some of your grammar wasn't simplified like, "He is wearing" And it should be, "He's wearing". ^^ But that's okay, since you really didn't have any major errors. Just some shortcuts... =]
Characterization: 10/10
Do you still need to ask me that ?? Please, I enjoyed every little detail ! ^^
Writing Style: 10/10
Like I always say in other reviews, (For other reviewers and of course me ! But not everyone =] ) That whatever writing style you did, The most important thing is, You can understand and visualized it. Cause if you can't even understand the thing you've written and you try to make us understand instead, Then it's useless. ^^
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
A blast ! Good job by the way... =]
Sub Total: 91/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 95/100
-------------------------
I'm sorry If I'm not your preferred reviewer since yuebo was resigning, So... Thank you for letting me review your story instead. =] And I would like to apologize if I have offended you in any way. ^^ This is to help authors to rise up and improve their talent ! Remember, not everyone can do this...Cause not everyone has incredible imaginations like us. =] Thank You ! Hope You Enjoy The Review ! =]
Author: Xiaoxi
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/clownlove
Reviewed By: Ronix ^^ @ RawrOutLoud
Title: 4/5
So mysterious, It gives a lot of curiousness and excitement. =]
First Impression: 8/10
Like the poster ! It's cool and it increases their interests in your story if you have an awesome background and poster for it. ^^
Forewords: 10/10
Bravo ! Love the introductions and the "so called" interview. This is really something... =]
Plot: 13/15
It's unique ! It's like a story of a person who always like to smile and laugh on the outside but hides all the misery inside and never reveals it.
Creativity/Originality: 15/15
You are one of a kind, Impressive ! =]
Flow: 8/10
It wasn't too slow it wasn't too fast, Everything was just fine. =]
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
Maybe you can say that some of your grammar wasn't simplified like, "He is wearing" And it should be, "He's wearing". ^^ But that's okay, since you really didn't have any major errors. Just some shortcuts... =]
Characterization: 10/10
Do you still need to ask me that ?? Please, I enjoyed every little detail ! ^^
Writing Style: 10/10
Like I always say in other reviews, (For other reviewers and of course me ! But not everyone =] ) That whatever writing style you did, The most important thing is, You can understand and visualized it. Cause if you can't even understand the thing you've written and you try to make us understand instead, Then it's useless. ^^
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
A blast ! Good job by the way... =]
Sub Total: 91/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 95/100
-------------------------
I'm sorry If I'm not your preferred reviewer since yuebo was resigning, So... Thank you for letting me review your story instead. =] And I would like to apologize if I have offended you in any way. ^^ This is to help authors to rise up and improve their talent ! Remember, not everyone can do this...Cause not everyone has incredible imaginations like us. =] Thank You ! Hope You Enjoy The Review ! =]
Friday, July 10, 2009
A plea of remembrance by ixie1504/ Xfactor
Author : ixie1504/ Xfactor
Title : A plea of remembrance
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Porkypig2/
Status : completed
Reviewer : Anna @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 3.5/5
I don't quite get your title at first and it was a bit over the top. Eventhough it matches (somehow) with what the story is trying to tell; I still think that there are better ways to pick your story title. A plea of remembrance, it simply placed me in a thought or an action where it was something I should remember for as long as I live; but that wasn't the story all about. It was more to something forgotten, something deep and meaningful but it had to be forgotten necessarily.
First impression : 4/10
I am not sure whether to give you marks or just leave this part out. Since the whole thing is 'first impression', it involves on judging the font colors and all. If I were to check for your poster and bg, I would skip this and I won't count the mark (cause you don't have neither poster nor bg). However, I will have to tell about my first impression that includes the colors.
The color thick blue never had its place on my good side; why? For me, thick blue seems rather boring and it doesn't bring much excitement to your story. I suppose black and white would be great for a sad-themed story, but never blue.
Forewords : 3/10
I am very strict when it comes to the forewords and I know my reason why. Most of the writers have very good style of writing, not to mention their enhancing ways of plotting the story. What's making it sad is that you have such short introduction. This is where you CAN lose readers. If they see that short and vague forewords, they won't be interested to continue on reading your stories.
Plot : 10/15
I kind of liked the plot when I first read it. Not everyone knows about this disease and it will be a good one if you know how to plot it nicely. Since this is one-shot, it didn't tell much on how they interacted with each other and thus the impact given to me wasn't that deep. Supposedly I would like to see sad plots instead of cliché, but this plot confused me instead of making me touched. Maybe it was because of the sudden narration change and the abrupt ending of them together. At first I assumed that Ella was the one that had the disease but when I started to get familiar with it, the narration changed to Chun (which completely taken me off). I know you were trying to make a twist in that story so your readers won't expect what will happen, but remember that abrupt changes will affect the plot too. If you didn't leave that little explaination, I would be confused until now.
Creativity/ Originality : 12.5/15
Thanks for using that Alzheimer disease instead of other 'common' ones to separate those two lovebirds. You may have your point for being creative but I can't give you full marks for originality. Eventhough your twist in the story made people confuse, I still think that you were brave enough to do so. If only you know how to control the pace, then you'd get higher mark.
Flow : 7.5/10
The flow at first was okay. The middle part and the ending were rushed.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
I realized that you are doing well in your vocabularies and it's quite amusing to see such lovely words. Take note that you also did some errors in your tense as well as your spelling. You jumbled up some words but nonetheless, it was okay.
Characterization : 7/10
Well done. Except that Ella and Chun gave me another impression when you tweaked the plot. Some characters' details weren't described fully.
Writing style : 10/10
Neat and very good.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
Not really enjoyable but it was fine for me. I am sure that your readers love it a lot.
Sub total : 68.5/100
Bonus : 2/5
For replying to your readers and also for thanking them.
Total : 70.5/100
Sorry that the reviewer who was supposed to review this for you was busy so I had to take it. I hope you won't mind and do continue to write ^^
Title : A plea of remembrance
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Porkypig2/
Status : completed
Reviewer : Anna @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 3.5/5
I don't quite get your title at first and it was a bit over the top. Eventhough it matches (somehow) with what the story is trying to tell; I still think that there are better ways to pick your story title. A plea of remembrance, it simply placed me in a thought or an action where it was something I should remember for as long as I live; but that wasn't the story all about. It was more to something forgotten, something deep and meaningful but it had to be forgotten necessarily.
First impression : 4/10
I am not sure whether to give you marks or just leave this part out. Since the whole thing is 'first impression', it involves on judging the font colors and all. If I were to check for your poster and bg, I would skip this and I won't count the mark (cause you don't have neither poster nor bg). However, I will have to tell about my first impression that includes the colors.
The color thick blue never had its place on my good side; why? For me, thick blue seems rather boring and it doesn't bring much excitement to your story. I suppose black and white would be great for a sad-themed story, but never blue.
Forewords : 3/10
I am very strict when it comes to the forewords and I know my reason why. Most of the writers have very good style of writing, not to mention their enhancing ways of plotting the story. What's making it sad is that you have such short introduction. This is where you CAN lose readers. If they see that short and vague forewords, they won't be interested to continue on reading your stories.
Plot : 10/15
I kind of liked the plot when I first read it. Not everyone knows about this disease and it will be a good one if you know how to plot it nicely. Since this is one-shot, it didn't tell much on how they interacted with each other and thus the impact given to me wasn't that deep. Supposedly I would like to see sad plots instead of cliché, but this plot confused me instead of making me touched. Maybe it was because of the sudden narration change and the abrupt ending of them together. At first I assumed that Ella was the one that had the disease but when I started to get familiar with it, the narration changed to Chun (which completely taken me off). I know you were trying to make a twist in that story so your readers won't expect what will happen, but remember that abrupt changes will affect the plot too. If you didn't leave that little explaination, I would be confused until now.
Creativity/ Originality : 12.5/15
Thanks for using that Alzheimer disease instead of other 'common' ones to separate those two lovebirds. You may have your point for being creative but I can't give you full marks for originality. Eventhough your twist in the story made people confuse, I still think that you were brave enough to do so. If only you know how to control the pace, then you'd get higher mark.
Flow : 7.5/10
The flow at first was okay. The middle part and the ending were rushed.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
I realized that you are doing well in your vocabularies and it's quite amusing to see such lovely words. Take note that you also did some errors in your tense as well as your spelling. You jumbled up some words but nonetheless, it was okay.
Characterization : 7/10
Well done. Except that Ella and Chun gave me another impression when you tweaked the plot. Some characters' details weren't described fully.
Writing style : 10/10
Neat and very good.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
Not really enjoyable but it was fine for me. I am sure that your readers love it a lot.
Sub total : 68.5/100
Bonus : 2/5
For replying to your readers and also for thanking them.
Total : 70.5/100
Sorry that the reviewer who was supposed to review this for you was busy so I had to take it. I hope you won't mind and do continue to write ^^
Love or friend? by ILOVEARRONYAN
Title: Love or friend?
Author: ILOVEARRONYAN
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ILOVEARRONYAN/
Status: On-Going
Reviewer: Lyselmae Atienza – Latienza @ Rawr.Out.Loud
*NOTE* Do not be insulted by the comments that I, the reviewer, make. I am here to help the author and not criticize the author. I have nothing against the writer. I am a STRICT reviewer, so please do expect reasonable grades.– Latienza
Title: 3/5
Your title wasn’t bad, wasn’t exciting either. Personally, for me, it gives away a lot of the story. Somehow, just looking at the title, I already got the idea of the story where the girl is entangled by a decision on whether it’s love or just friendship. But that is just a prediction. If there is a sudden twist, this will make the story really good and unsuspected. Next time, you might want to keep your title less unrevealing and really questioning so that readers ask a lot of questions, leading them into reading your updates, right? Moving on, the connection the title has with the story was okay. I still understood the point of the title.
First Impression: 7/10
When I first opened your link, I found the poster and background clean. I liked the poster and how the color of fonts and titles are connected to the colors on the poster. It was really neat. I would like to see you improving on your writing formats though, so that it is much presentable.
Forewords: 6/10
I don’t think that your forewords is the typical forewords that will enlighten and give us a preview of the story. Basically, what I mean is that it’s missing a lot of elements. Firstly, you should introduce yourself more, so that the readers may get an idea on what your personality is, etc. Next, introduce the characters that are in the story, and some additional information about them. You don’t have to put every single character, but main ones. Then, you can add a preview/synopsis about what will happen in the story and what there is to look forward to. Lastly, just end with a simple authors note. This is the simple way to put a good forewords.
Plot: 9/15
Your plot is very common. Try to avoid scenes that may appear in different fanfics. & also, make sure that if ever you do take an idea from another fanfic that you change parts of it so it can be copyrighted under your name.
Creativity/Originality: 11/15
Despite the plot you used, I appreciate the fact that you tried to add your own creativity like adding the part where her dad beats her, etc. This grading system under creativity/originality really depends on how much c/o you add. So, this only means to add more of YOUR creativity and originality into it. If that were me, I could’ve added that maybe Aaron had something to do with her past. I know that you might’ve already read this type of addition but it never hurts to add different types of scenes and mould it into one. This can actually make it more interesting. Besides that, good job.
Flow: 6/10
The flow was fast. It happened too fast. Even though your fanfic is pretty long, the events happened too fast. I think that next time, you should give them more time to interact. Also, events happen even though I don’t even know they’re currently happening which creates a big blur and confusion for me. Make sure that you reread to clarify such instances.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
Here, it was really tough for me to grade because you had A LOT of grammar and spelling mistakes, yet I understood what you were trying to say. The way you worded things and put them into a sentence was bad. You really need help on that. Overall, you need to improve on:
1. Knowing where to place: Periods, commas, etc. You tend to forget these punctuation marks. In other cases, you misplace them and put there someplace else.
2. Not repeating words in the same sentence. Sometimes, you can repeat words in one sentence, but not in all cases. Remember that in one sentence, there is no need of repeating a word. In example in your fanfic: “MC-Since we have a pair you two will be together at the ******, together.” You used ‘together’ twice, making it… an awkward sentence.
3. There is no need of using brackets. This is why I usually say that it is much better to prevent script style. I admit that, I too, used to use script style as my basic format, but it becomes hard especially when describing somebody’s actions. In example you said: “G&A-So...(laughing)” instead of saying that, you could’ve put it as: “So…” Guigui and Aaron said, laughing. It lessens confusion. I appreciate you changing your style later on in the story.
4. Spelling. You tend to have spelling mistakes, making it visible that you do not edit/recheck it. Maybe you do recheck it. If that is the case, you can ask a beta site to edit your story before posting it. Therefore, making your story more comprehended and better.
I talk too much, but yeah. Okay, your vocabulary was typical. I have no problems with it. It’s basically your choice on your precision of language.
Characterisation: 8/10
Your characterisation has nothing wrong with it. The only thing I ask for you to improve on is the way you portray their personalities. I know that you have given an idea of their characteristics, but you could’ve based all of their actions to the way they really are. Do you follow?
Writing Style: 7/10
GOOD! In the beginning, your writing style was… blah, but now, I LOVE IT! Even though you just started using this format, I can tell that you are slowly becoming more comfortable. If you continue improving like this, you can probably even become someone who can give advice herself. :D
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I enjoyed the story. It wasn’t bad at all. Looking forward to your next update, when you come back from China. :)
Sub Total: 66/100
Bonus: 3/5
I give you bonus because :
1. You requested at ROL
2. You improved quickly
3. For not getting insulted by my comments, but benefitting from it
Total: 69/100
P.S I hope you didn’t get disappointed by your grade. You did well for someone who started with script style. Hope to hear from you :D If anything, just get back at us at Rawr.Out.Loud!
Author: ILOVEARRONYAN
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ILOVEARRONYAN/
Status: On-Going
Reviewer: Lyselmae Atienza – Latienza @ Rawr.Out.Loud
*NOTE* Do not be insulted by the comments that I, the reviewer, make. I am here to help the author and not criticize the author. I have nothing against the writer. I am a STRICT reviewer, so please do expect reasonable grades.– Latienza
Title: 3/5
Your title wasn’t bad, wasn’t exciting either. Personally, for me, it gives away a lot of the story. Somehow, just looking at the title, I already got the idea of the story where the girl is entangled by a decision on whether it’s love or just friendship. But that is just a prediction. If there is a sudden twist, this will make the story really good and unsuspected. Next time, you might want to keep your title less unrevealing and really questioning so that readers ask a lot of questions, leading them into reading your updates, right? Moving on, the connection the title has with the story was okay. I still understood the point of the title.
First Impression: 7/10
When I first opened your link, I found the poster and background clean. I liked the poster and how the color of fonts and titles are connected to the colors on the poster. It was really neat. I would like to see you improving on your writing formats though, so that it is much presentable.
Forewords: 6/10
I don’t think that your forewords is the typical forewords that will enlighten and give us a preview of the story. Basically, what I mean is that it’s missing a lot of elements. Firstly, you should introduce yourself more, so that the readers may get an idea on what your personality is, etc. Next, introduce the characters that are in the story, and some additional information about them. You don’t have to put every single character, but main ones. Then, you can add a preview/synopsis about what will happen in the story and what there is to look forward to. Lastly, just end with a simple authors note. This is the simple way to put a good forewords.
Plot: 9/15
Your plot is very common. Try to avoid scenes that may appear in different fanfics. & also, make sure that if ever you do take an idea from another fanfic that you change parts of it so it can be copyrighted under your name.
Creativity/Originality: 11/15
Despite the plot you used, I appreciate the fact that you tried to add your own creativity like adding the part where her dad beats her, etc. This grading system under creativity/originality really depends on how much c/o you add. So, this only means to add more of YOUR creativity and originality into it. If that were me, I could’ve added that maybe Aaron had something to do with her past. I know that you might’ve already read this type of addition but it never hurts to add different types of scenes and mould it into one. This can actually make it more interesting. Besides that, good job.
Flow: 6/10
The flow was fast. It happened too fast. Even though your fanfic is pretty long, the events happened too fast. I think that next time, you should give them more time to interact. Also, events happen even though I don’t even know they’re currently happening which creates a big blur and confusion for me. Make sure that you reread to clarify such instances.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
Here, it was really tough for me to grade because you had A LOT of grammar and spelling mistakes, yet I understood what you were trying to say. The way you worded things and put them into a sentence was bad. You really need help on that. Overall, you need to improve on:
1. Knowing where to place: Periods, commas, etc. You tend to forget these punctuation marks. In other cases, you misplace them and put there someplace else.
2. Not repeating words in the same sentence. Sometimes, you can repeat words in one sentence, but not in all cases. Remember that in one sentence, there is no need of repeating a word. In example in your fanfic: “MC-Since we have a pair you two will be together at the ******, together.” You used ‘together’ twice, making it… an awkward sentence.
3. There is no need of using brackets. This is why I usually say that it is much better to prevent script style. I admit that, I too, used to use script style as my basic format, but it becomes hard especially when describing somebody’s actions. In example you said: “G&A-So...(laughing)” instead of saying that, you could’ve put it as: “So…” Guigui and Aaron said, laughing. It lessens confusion. I appreciate you changing your style later on in the story.
4. Spelling. You tend to have spelling mistakes, making it visible that you do not edit/recheck it. Maybe you do recheck it. If that is the case, you can ask a beta site to edit your story before posting it. Therefore, making your story more comprehended and better.
I talk too much, but yeah. Okay, your vocabulary was typical. I have no problems with it. It’s basically your choice on your precision of language.
Characterisation: 8/10
Your characterisation has nothing wrong with it. The only thing I ask for you to improve on is the way you portray their personalities. I know that you have given an idea of their characteristics, but you could’ve based all of their actions to the way they really are. Do you follow?
Writing Style: 7/10
GOOD! In the beginning, your writing style was… blah, but now, I LOVE IT! Even though you just started using this format, I can tell that you are slowly becoming more comfortable. If you continue improving like this, you can probably even become someone who can give advice herself. :D
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I enjoyed the story. It wasn’t bad at all. Looking forward to your next update, when you come back from China. :)
Sub Total: 66/100
Bonus: 3/5
I give you bonus because :
1. You requested at ROL
2. You improved quickly
3. For not getting insulted by my comments, but benefitting from it
Total: 69/100
P.S I hope you didn’t get disappointed by your grade. You did well for someone who started with script style. Hope to hear from you :D If anything, just get back at us at Rawr.Out.Loud!
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