Author : Beyla
Title : Oh, Brother!
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/beyla_1000wish/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 5/5
The title is cute and since it is quite rare in winglin, I'm giving you a perfect score. The reason for this is because I like the way you use the title to portray the emotion of the youngest boy in a family. Well done.
First impression : 9/10
You don't have the link up yet, so make sure you put it in. Well, since I have seen the poster earlier, I know how it looks like. I really adore the color, the texture and also the perfect saturation. The plain background makes everything works well so I have nothing much to complain, keep up the good artwork.
Forewords : -/10
Plot : 11/15
At some points, there are few unnecessary touch made to compliment the story; this is why your story looks long. You concentrated on some unimportant lines and they made the story more predictable and not classy. Try to arrange your plot neatly so it won't look boring and draggy. I like, somehow, how you work hard to bring out the plot because I can see that you're trying to bring out your ideas to the readers, which is good. I think the only problem is the plot management. Make sure you know which are the important ones and which aren't so you won't make the story looks as if it is trailed off.
Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
You put some humor into the story, making it more juicy and not plain. Every characters are unique and you didn't miss out on any of them. However, despite the fact that it's creative with the humor and such, I don't think it is original enough. Original stories are hard to find, I admit. Your storyline is confirmed 100% yours but I can't give you perfect score in this because I believe you can make something that worths the originality. Think about it again and try making conclusions why I think you can do better. Easy, it's because you have the chance to develop you writing style, the type of humor and such, yet I can see only few. Perhaps the next one will show the originality more? ^^
Flow : 8/10
Like I said in the previous review, long one-shots are fine but it can lead the readers to boredom (unless you know how to make super duper dynamic twist to grab their attention back).Try to reduce the unnecessary ones, like what I mentioned about the plot management. I don't know if you purposely made it long or what, but I really think that if it is a bit shorter, it would be great. (Although too short is considered very improper, so don't do too short one-shots). Still, I think this length is good, but concentrate more on the content.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 7/10
I noticed that some of your sentences are choppy, use linking words to combine them. Most of your mistakes have been pointed out, so I am not going to repeat that.
Just pointing out some-
Well first of all my parents will not be around to celebrate it with me.
-Well first of all, my parents will not be around to celebrate it with me.
They’re busy like that of course it’s all because of us too (just fragment error)
-They're busy because of us too.
In an instance I knew whose voice it was that was calling my name.
-In an instance, I knew whose voice it was that called my name. (Because the action isn't continuous, so you don't have to put it in continuous past tense. Jaejoong called him only one, and he received the attention once. This actually depends on how you want the emotion to be. Yours isn't considered wrong, but I am just putting it up so you can know the difference. If you want to make it sound like it is on-going, then what you did is right).
Eventhough I felt like I was treated unjustly I just smiled.
-Even though I felt like I was treated unjustly, I just smiled.
And you might want to consider using a better vocabulary to emphasize the characters' feelings.
Characterization : 9/10
You mentioned and described all of the characters, so it's good. But Changmin's character seems to be a little drowned, maybe because of the presence of other characters. It makes Changmin look as if he's not the main one speaking.
Writing style : 8/10
Random writing style makes me laugh because it is just too cute, but I know you can improve by making it neat. Know where to put proper commas, and revise the direct speech format.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
Enjoyed it, evenly funny and warm.
Sub total : 73/90
Bonus : 2/5
For the awesome poster. :)
Total : 75/90 = 83%
Monday, August 31, 2009
Cold Love by PeperminT (Omi)
Title: Cold Love
Author: PeperminT (Omi)
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/PeperminT
Reviewed By: Ronix ^^ @ Ideas
Title: 4/5
I like your title. It really explains what's the story all about. =D
First Impression: 6/10
Your poster looks plain and all. But still, It looks good. ^^
Forewords: 5/10
Your introduction wasn't that interesting at all. You even revealed that Nichkhun was sick. Although I like your plot but It would be better to give some suspense to your readers. That way, They would really pay attention to your story.
Plot: 13/15
Like I said, I like your plot especially It was a true story which you had experienced. Realistic, I'm impressed. ^^
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Although your poster looks plain, But I can still see your determination to make this as your very own. Good Job !
Flow: 10/10
I like the flow. I don't often give a perfect score but I really like your story. It's really realistic. I'll give you credit for that. =D
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
You should really work on your punctuation, spelling & grammar. We reviewers are very strict especially when It comes to spelling & grammar. Try to read books to enhance your vocabulary.
Characterization: 9/10
I like everyone's part on your story. Nice !
Writing Style: 9/10
It really doesn't matter what kind of writing style you wrote, Important thing is that I, everyone and especially you can visualize your story.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
I had a great time reading your story with tears along the way, ="]
Sub Total: 78/100
Bonus: 3/5
Total: 81/100
I hope I didn't offend the author in any way. I have nothing against the author nor their story. This is strictly being professional towards my job. Thank you for requesting at Ideas. It was a pleasure to have the chance to review your story. I hope you like your score. Thank You & God Bless ! =D
Author: PeperminT (Omi)
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/PeperminT
Reviewed By: Ronix ^^ @ Ideas
Title: 4/5
I like your title. It really explains what's the story all about. =D
First Impression: 6/10
Your poster looks plain and all. But still, It looks good. ^^
Forewords: 5/10
Your introduction wasn't that interesting at all. You even revealed that Nichkhun was sick. Although I like your plot but It would be better to give some suspense to your readers. That way, They would really pay attention to your story.
Plot: 13/15
Like I said, I like your plot especially It was a true story which you had experienced. Realistic, I'm impressed. ^^
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Although your poster looks plain, But I can still see your determination to make this as your very own. Good Job !
Flow: 10/10
I like the flow. I don't often give a perfect score but I really like your story. It's really realistic. I'll give you credit for that. =D
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
You should really work on your punctuation, spelling & grammar. We reviewers are very strict especially when It comes to spelling & grammar. Try to read books to enhance your vocabulary.
Characterization: 9/10
I like everyone's part on your story. Nice !
Writing Style: 9/10
It really doesn't matter what kind of writing style you wrote, Important thing is that I, everyone and especially you can visualize your story.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
I had a great time reading your story with tears along the way, ="]
Sub Total: 78/100
Bonus: 3/5
Total: 81/100
I hope I didn't offend the author in any way. I have nothing against the author nor their story. This is strictly being professional towards my job. Thank you for requesting at Ideas. It was a pleasure to have the chance to review your story. I hope you like your score. Thank You & God Bless ! =D
Sunday, August 23, 2009
His Untold Story by iloveDBSK
Title: His Untold Story
Author: iloveDBSK
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/iloveDBSK2/
Status: One Shot
Reviewer: Lyselmae Atienza – Latienza @ iDEAS
*NOTE* Do not be insulted by the comments that I, the reviewer, make. I am here to help the author and not criticize the author. I have nothing against the writer. I am a STRICT reviewer, so please do expect reasonable grades.– Latienza
Title: 4/5
I liked your title. I felt the reassurance that the author has a nice plot coming. It’s a unique title. The connection was also there.
First Impression: 9/10
Everything was clean and organized. I liked the poster also. I couldn’t wait to read it.
Forewords: 5/10
I’m not a big fan of your forewords. The only thing you had were advertisements. You had a preview/summary, but it’s not enough. I know that in a one-shot, you’re not supposed to give away a lot, but I’m just not satisfied with your forewords. Be sure to lengthen it next time.
Plot: 9/15
The plot wasn’t as great as I thought it would end up. The first chapter was alright, but as in pondered into the 2nd/last chapter, everything seemed predictable which is bad. You must keep the readers surprised and unknowing. They must not be able to predict the ending easily. Try working on that portion next time. The whole dying because of the sickness thing was pretty common also. But you managed.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
Despite the ok plot you had, you managed to add your own originality/creativity like not telling the DBSK members about the relationship Jaejoong had with the girl, also connecting it to the title.
Flow: 8/10
The flow was good… it was alright. For me, I think it was too fast. But yet again, I think it’s just me.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
You tend to make grammar mistakes wherein you get mixed up with your tenses. In times where your words need to be in the present tense, you end up wording it in the past. It’s all over the place basically. Be sure to edit it and re-read before posting it on winglin.
Characterisation: 9/10
Your characterisation was plain. The only problem you had was that you weren’t able to portray the personalities of the characters well enough. It was too fast…
Writing Style: 8/10
Your writing style was fine. It was easy to read and very comprehendible. It would’ve been better if your paragraphs were transitioned and organized properly. Besides that, it was acceptable.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
It was good.
Sub Total: 73/100
Bonus: 3/5
1. For giving me the honour in reviewing your story.
2. Saving me from writing a long review.
3. For taking a while.
Total: 76/100
Author: iloveDBSK
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/iloveDBSK2/
Status: One Shot
Reviewer: Lyselmae Atienza – Latienza @ iDEAS
*NOTE* Do not be insulted by the comments that I, the reviewer, make. I am here to help the author and not criticize the author. I have nothing against the writer. I am a STRICT reviewer, so please do expect reasonable grades.– Latienza
Title: 4/5
I liked your title. I felt the reassurance that the author has a nice plot coming. It’s a unique title. The connection was also there.
First Impression: 9/10
Everything was clean and organized. I liked the poster also. I couldn’t wait to read it.
Forewords: 5/10
I’m not a big fan of your forewords. The only thing you had were advertisements. You had a preview/summary, but it’s not enough. I know that in a one-shot, you’re not supposed to give away a lot, but I’m just not satisfied with your forewords. Be sure to lengthen it next time.
Plot: 9/15
The plot wasn’t as great as I thought it would end up. The first chapter was alright, but as in pondered into the 2nd/last chapter, everything seemed predictable which is bad. You must keep the readers surprised and unknowing. They must not be able to predict the ending easily. Try working on that portion next time. The whole dying because of the sickness thing was pretty common also. But you managed.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
Despite the ok plot you had, you managed to add your own originality/creativity like not telling the DBSK members about the relationship Jaejoong had with the girl, also connecting it to the title.
Flow: 8/10
The flow was good… it was alright. For me, I think it was too fast. But yet again, I think it’s just me.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
You tend to make grammar mistakes wherein you get mixed up with your tenses. In times where your words need to be in the present tense, you end up wording it in the past. It’s all over the place basically. Be sure to edit it and re-read before posting it on winglin.
Characterisation: 9/10
Your characterisation was plain. The only problem you had was that you weren’t able to portray the personalities of the characters well enough. It was too fast…
Writing Style: 8/10
Your writing style was fine. It was easy to read and very comprehendible. It would’ve been better if your paragraphs were transitioned and organized properly. Besides that, it was acceptable.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
It was good.
Sub Total: 73/100
Bonus: 3/5
1. For giving me the honour in reviewing your story.
2. Saving me from writing a long review.
3. For taking a while.
Total: 76/100
Friday, August 21, 2009
River flows in you by Yunni
Author : Yunni
Title : River flows in you
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/_riverflow
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 4/5
Fine, I must say that I do like the title, very much. Not because it is from Taemin, but I think that the title has a very strong connection with something very melancholy and depressing. As for Taemin's fans, I do think that they will like it and eventually click on it. The only thing is that the title is not 100% originally by yours. Anyone could have used the same title, just because it has something to do with Taemin.
First impression : 8/10
I like the poster, but the only thing is that the characters in it are a little bit too faded. I couldn't really see the girl, and I wouldn't know that the male character is Taemin if you didn't tell that in your foreword. However, I appreciate the neat and nicely blended art. It's a good thing to see.
Forewords : 4/10
I don't know if others think that your foreword is good enough, but I personally think that it is not. You have the idea, you know what you're going to tell, so make use of what you have. The content that you have currently is too short and obviously lacking of intriguing start. I don't mind reading a short foreword, but the ones with few lines are just too boring, don't you think so? Perhaps some more lines to draw the readers into the story? People have different taste; some writers prefer doing short introductions while the others don't bother to write at all. For me, the introduction is equally important to the first impression. If readers have good impression towards your story, which means you will have a good head.
Plot : 13/15
It is neat and well-organized, regardless of it being a little choppy. You made the plot dances together with the characters and let it go with the flow. I like it, but something in between was making it a little bit confusing. However, you managed the plot very well and beautifully portrayed it into a breathtaking story, and of course that made the story not boring to read. Also, I like how you can put in the perfect and essential details without having to write such a long one-shot. It's a good read.
Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
I cannot say that this is 100% original but I must admit that you deserve the credit for the unexpected ending. Actually, I did expect her to die or something but I didn't know that she turned into an angel to accompany her lover on stage. That was beautiful to me, and only at that part I started to feel the sadness. Especially when Taemin's found the angel's feather (I wonder how it looks like. Oh wait, Leeteuk's an angel =___=). I think you are really creative as you know how to put your readers into the story without having to irritate them much. The way you blend your characters is amazing, but I believe you can do better.
Flow : 8/10
It was a bit fast toward the end, probably because you don't want to keep the story too draggy. You made the right choice, but try to sustain the flow carefully and observe on where the pace is a little bit awkward.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
First thing that came to my mind when reading this is that you have a good start. Your words are simply average and they are all placed nicely and neatly. The only problem is that your use of vocabulary is limited and you don't seem to have much description in your writing. Try to improve on this because this can make the story more realistic and it enables the readers to feel what the characters are feeling.
Characterization : 9/10
Very good. You know why? I will tell you later in your writing style.
Writing style : 9/10
Truthfully, even if your writing style is less descriptive, I appreciate on how you wrote the story. This is supposed to be a ‘you-story’ right? Where the girl character is the readers, themselves right? I have been searching for an author who will do it in a right way. Usually, the writer will do like..
“(put your name here), are you okay?”
(put your name here) watched Taemin from afar...
That's so boring, but you really did well by not using such format. This is what I have been looking for, well done. It doesn't annoy me at all, that's why you have managed your characters well. Even though you didn't use the format above, you remarkably did it as readers' POV, good job.
Overall enjoyment : 4/5
I did enjoy it. (Psh, the angel part was great!)
Sub total : 79/100
Bonus : 2/5
For finally letting me have a good read
For writing it in a very remarkable way.
Total : 81/100
Title : River flows in you
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/_riverflow
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 4/5
Fine, I must say that I do like the title, very much. Not because it is from Taemin, but I think that the title has a very strong connection with something very melancholy and depressing. As for Taemin's fans, I do think that they will like it and eventually click on it. The only thing is that the title is not 100% originally by yours. Anyone could have used the same title, just because it has something to do with Taemin.
First impression : 8/10
I like the poster, but the only thing is that the characters in it are a little bit too faded. I couldn't really see the girl, and I wouldn't know that the male character is Taemin if you didn't tell that in your foreword. However, I appreciate the neat and nicely blended art. It's a good thing to see.
Forewords : 4/10
I don't know if others think that your foreword is good enough, but I personally think that it is not. You have the idea, you know what you're going to tell, so make use of what you have. The content that you have currently is too short and obviously lacking of intriguing start. I don't mind reading a short foreword, but the ones with few lines are just too boring, don't you think so? Perhaps some more lines to draw the readers into the story? People have different taste; some writers prefer doing short introductions while the others don't bother to write at all. For me, the introduction is equally important to the first impression. If readers have good impression towards your story, which means you will have a good head.
Plot : 13/15
It is neat and well-organized, regardless of it being a little choppy. You made the plot dances together with the characters and let it go with the flow. I like it, but something in between was making it a little bit confusing. However, you managed the plot very well and beautifully portrayed it into a breathtaking story, and of course that made the story not boring to read. Also, I like how you can put in the perfect and essential details without having to write such a long one-shot. It's a good read.
Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
I cannot say that this is 100% original but I must admit that you deserve the credit for the unexpected ending. Actually, I did expect her to die or something but I didn't know that she turned into an angel to accompany her lover on stage. That was beautiful to me, and only at that part I started to feel the sadness. Especially when Taemin's found the angel's feather (I wonder how it looks like. Oh wait, Leeteuk's an angel =___=). I think you are really creative as you know how to put your readers into the story without having to irritate them much. The way you blend your characters is amazing, but I believe you can do better.
Flow : 8/10
It was a bit fast toward the end, probably because you don't want to keep the story too draggy. You made the right choice, but try to sustain the flow carefully and observe on where the pace is a little bit awkward.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
First thing that came to my mind when reading this is that you have a good start. Your words are simply average and they are all placed nicely and neatly. The only problem is that your use of vocabulary is limited and you don't seem to have much description in your writing. Try to improve on this because this can make the story more realistic and it enables the readers to feel what the characters are feeling.
Characterization : 9/10
Very good. You know why? I will tell you later in your writing style.
Writing style : 9/10
Truthfully, even if your writing style is less descriptive, I appreciate on how you wrote the story. This is supposed to be a ‘you-story’ right? Where the girl character is the readers, themselves right? I have been searching for an author who will do it in a right way. Usually, the writer will do like..
“(put your name here), are you okay?”
(put your name here) watched Taemin from afar...
That's so boring, but you really did well by not using such format. This is what I have been looking for, well done. It doesn't annoy me at all, that's why you have managed your characters well. Even though you didn't use the format above, you remarkably did it as readers' POV, good job.
Overall enjoyment : 4/5
I did enjoy it. (Psh, the angel part was great!)
Sub total : 79/100
Bonus : 2/5
For finally letting me have a good read
For writing it in a very remarkable way.
Total : 81/100
Be with you by YSLOVER
Author : YSLOVER
Title : Be with you
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/YSLOVER3/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 2/5
No, the title doesn't really attract me because it is basically telling that a particular person wants to be together with a loved one. I would like something more mysterious and yet, it doesn't reveal the story. The title sort of gave me somewhat an expression of, “Ah, a love story.” and no, it is not something good. Your title suits the story, somehow.. But it lacks on its own deep meaning. I believe there is a better, intriguing title for this one :)
First impression : 7/10
My first impression wasn't so bad, at least. I was only upset to see the black background when you can fit in brown or chocolate to match the poster. That would give you a higher score in this area, such a sad thing. However, I am quite happy that you actually filled up the chapter titles neatly (that's something good, you even placed full stops).
Forewords : 2/10
I must say that I am happy that you took your friend's advice in putting up the forewords with something good rather than leaving it with your ramblings, but I don't agree to that as good forewords. A good foreword needs explanation, and synopsis of the story. Not just filling it up with previews from your other chapters. Maybe that can be counted, but not much. Your previews 1, 2, 3 and so on confused me A LOT. I didn't know who was talking and what was happening. I read the previews one by one and had the urge to read back to preview 1 because I didn't know what was going on. To make it clear, it was confusing, totally confusing.
Plot : 9/15
I cannot say that I like how the plot is going. I didn't see a well-organized plot here. Just about a guy who falls in love with his best friend but gets rejected just cause his best friend isn't a gay. To be honest, I don't like the way you started the story; you jumped directly to telling the readers what Junsu was feeling. No, that can be done with a better way of arrangement. To start the story, why not put it in Junsu's POV and let him tell about himself first and why did he like Yoochun. Why he wasn't brave enough to tell Yoochun that he likes him, etc (things like this). Remember, your plot is too common, but try to make adjustment to the scene so it'll be more interesting and fun to read.
Creativity/ Originality : 10/15
This is not a long story, and I suppose you could add in more vibe to the story to make it creative and original. Frankly, your whole concept is plain, and quite common. I do appreciate your idea, but it would be better if you try to pull out from your comfort zone and try doing something more challenging, not just something below your ability. You need to expand your imagination, and to know how to react with readers through your characters.
Flow : 7/10
It was fast, all I could say. In the middle, it was kind of okay, but Eunhyuk's appearance made everything ending too abrupt. I do like his appearance, but you need to control your characters so they won't disturb the flow of the story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 5/10
I noticed that there are a lot of grammar mistakes, as well as the spelling and tenses error. Your vocabulary is average and I didn't learn any new words from this story. The words are plain and they don't help the story much with their meaning (basically they don't have strong, deep meaning). You can improve this by asking someone to beta-read your fanfic or you can read more real storybooks and help yourself to improve. Or else, if you need any help from me, just contact or email me.
Characterization : 5/10
As I said earlier, don't let your characters control the flow of your story. You are the author here and you should be very familiar with your characters. You can only make them appear when you need them, but they shouldn't be appearing regularly when it is not required. Like Yunho and Hero's appearance, I really think that was unnecessary.
Writing style : 8/10
The writing style is okay, but it can be improved.
Overall enjoyment : 1/5
Frankly, I didn't enjoy much just because you don't have many interesting words, and I was kind of pissed by the factual errors you got there. I know that this is a fanfic, but you need to watch out for the fact too. You made Junsu a girl freak, whom was raped by his own best friend. There, I thought it was rather nonsense and unfortunately, it weakens your story.
Sub total : 56/100
Bonus : 0/5
Total : 56/100
I hope you are not degraded by this review. I may be wrong, but this is just to help you. Thank you! :) keep on writing.
Title : Be with you
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/YSLOVER3/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 2/5
No, the title doesn't really attract me because it is basically telling that a particular person wants to be together with a loved one. I would like something more mysterious and yet, it doesn't reveal the story. The title sort of gave me somewhat an expression of, “Ah, a love story.” and no, it is not something good. Your title suits the story, somehow.. But it lacks on its own deep meaning. I believe there is a better, intriguing title for this one :)
First impression : 7/10
My first impression wasn't so bad, at least. I was only upset to see the black background when you can fit in brown or chocolate to match the poster. That would give you a higher score in this area, such a sad thing. However, I am quite happy that you actually filled up the chapter titles neatly (that's something good, you even placed full stops).
Forewords : 2/10
I must say that I am happy that you took your friend's advice in putting up the forewords with something good rather than leaving it with your ramblings, but I don't agree to that as good forewords. A good foreword needs explanation, and synopsis of the story. Not just filling it up with previews from your other chapters. Maybe that can be counted, but not much. Your previews 1, 2, 3 and so on confused me A LOT. I didn't know who was talking and what was happening. I read the previews one by one and had the urge to read back to preview 1 because I didn't know what was going on. To make it clear, it was confusing, totally confusing.
Plot : 9/15
I cannot say that I like how the plot is going. I didn't see a well-organized plot here. Just about a guy who falls in love with his best friend but gets rejected just cause his best friend isn't a gay. To be honest, I don't like the way you started the story; you jumped directly to telling the readers what Junsu was feeling. No, that can be done with a better way of arrangement. To start the story, why not put it in Junsu's POV and let him tell about himself first and why did he like Yoochun. Why he wasn't brave enough to tell Yoochun that he likes him, etc (things like this). Remember, your plot is too common, but try to make adjustment to the scene so it'll be more interesting and fun to read.
Creativity/ Originality : 10/15
This is not a long story, and I suppose you could add in more vibe to the story to make it creative and original. Frankly, your whole concept is plain, and quite common. I do appreciate your idea, but it would be better if you try to pull out from your comfort zone and try doing something more challenging, not just something below your ability. You need to expand your imagination, and to know how to react with readers through your characters.
Flow : 7/10
It was fast, all I could say. In the middle, it was kind of okay, but Eunhyuk's appearance made everything ending too abrupt. I do like his appearance, but you need to control your characters so they won't disturb the flow of the story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 5/10
I noticed that there are a lot of grammar mistakes, as well as the spelling and tenses error. Your vocabulary is average and I didn't learn any new words from this story. The words are plain and they don't help the story much with their meaning (basically they don't have strong, deep meaning). You can improve this by asking someone to beta-read your fanfic or you can read more real storybooks and help yourself to improve. Or else, if you need any help from me, just contact or email me.
Characterization : 5/10
As I said earlier, don't let your characters control the flow of your story. You are the author here and you should be very familiar with your characters. You can only make them appear when you need them, but they shouldn't be appearing regularly when it is not required. Like Yunho and Hero's appearance, I really think that was unnecessary.
Writing style : 8/10
The writing style is okay, but it can be improved.
Overall enjoyment : 1/5
Frankly, I didn't enjoy much just because you don't have many interesting words, and I was kind of pissed by the factual errors you got there. I know that this is a fanfic, but you need to watch out for the fact too. You made Junsu a girl freak, whom was raped by his own best friend. There, I thought it was rather nonsense and unfortunately, it weakens your story.
Sub total : 56/100
Bonus : 0/5
Total : 56/100
I hope you are not degraded by this review. I may be wrong, but this is just to help you. Thank you! :) keep on writing.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Love is a Mystery that No one can Solve by DarkAngel/Animeangel1997
Title: Love is a Mystery that No can Solve
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/animeangel1997/
Author: DarkAngel / Animeangel1997
Reviewed By: Ronix ^^ @ Thrashing-Ideas
Title: 3/5
Honestly, The title isn't really that catchy since it's too long so, I have to disagree with you on that. And every letter should be capitalized.
First Impression: 7/10
Although It's just like Pi Li MIT, I still appreciate your hard work in making this plot your very own. ^^ And the poster isn't really catchy since it looks so plain.
(No offense to the graphic designer, This is simply MY own opinion... )
Forewords: 9/10
It's interesting actually, I like how you gave a small brief about themselves. And If I have not mistaken, Your 12 ? If you are, I'm impressed how you describe them. Great Job ! I'll give you credit for that.
Plot: 13/15
I love it ! Although It's similar to Pi Li MIT, But I won't disagree with this one. You managed to make your own twist and turns actually, I'm impressed.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
I may say, You really surprised me. Every chapter is getting interesting. I'm starting to like your story. Keep It Up !
Flow: 10/10
Perfect ! Your flow ain't too fast or too slow.. Like I said, It's perfect. ^^
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
You have to work on your grammar although I really didn't manage to see MAJOR errors, But it would be better if you try to increase your vocabulary. That way, It wouldn't be hard for you to describe them how they feel when they talk.
Characterization: 10/10
I like it. I think your doing a great job !
Writing Style: 9/10
Like I always say, It doesn't matter what kind of writing style you did. The important thing is that the readers and especially you can understand and feel the emotions of the story. Without this, It's useless.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Ha Ha ! Do you still need to ask me this question ? =]
Sub Total: 85/100
Bonus: 5/5
Well done DarkAngel ! Jiayu ! ^^
Total: 90/100
Thank you for choosing me to review your story. It was an honor, Thank you. And I hope that I didn't offend my writer at all... I'm simply doing my work with honesty and being fair to every story I'm reviewing to. I have nothing against the writer nor their story. Good Bless ! Hope you enjoy your rating ! ^^
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/animeangel1997/
Author: DarkAngel / Animeangel1997
Reviewed By: Ronix ^^ @ Thrashing-Ideas
Title: 3/5
Honestly, The title isn't really that catchy since it's too long so, I have to disagree with you on that. And every letter should be capitalized.
First Impression: 7/10
Although It's just like Pi Li MIT, I still appreciate your hard work in making this plot your very own. ^^ And the poster isn't really catchy since it looks so plain.
(No offense to the graphic designer, This is simply MY own opinion... )
Forewords: 9/10
It's interesting actually, I like how you gave a small brief about themselves. And If I have not mistaken, Your 12 ? If you are, I'm impressed how you describe them. Great Job ! I'll give you credit for that.
Plot: 13/15
I love it ! Although It's similar to Pi Li MIT, But I won't disagree with this one. You managed to make your own twist and turns actually, I'm impressed.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
I may say, You really surprised me. Every chapter is getting interesting. I'm starting to like your story. Keep It Up !
Flow: 10/10
Perfect ! Your flow ain't too fast or too slow.. Like I said, It's perfect. ^^
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
You have to work on your grammar although I really didn't manage to see MAJOR errors, But it would be better if you try to increase your vocabulary. That way, It wouldn't be hard for you to describe them how they feel when they talk.
Characterization: 10/10
I like it. I think your doing a great job !
Writing Style: 9/10
Like I always say, It doesn't matter what kind of writing style you did. The important thing is that the readers and especially you can understand and feel the emotions of the story. Without this, It's useless.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Ha Ha ! Do you still need to ask me this question ? =]
Sub Total: 85/100
Bonus: 5/5
Well done DarkAngel ! Jiayu ! ^^
Total: 90/100
Thank you for choosing me to review your story. It was an honor, Thank you. And I hope that I didn't offend my writer at all... I'm simply doing my work with honesty and being fair to every story I'm reviewing to. I have nothing against the writer nor their story. Good Bless ! Hope you enjoy your rating ! ^^
Saturday, August 1, 2009
1000 wishes for you by Beyla
Author : Beyla
Title : 1000 wishes for you
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/beyla_1000wish/
Status : One-Shot, completed.
Reviewer : Anna @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 5/5
I simply love the title although I must say that it is pretty old-fashioned kind of way to portray the story. Like, having those crazy wishes on cranes, origami, and etc, but I like it. Sometimes, old fashioned seems to attract more, like what this title did to me. Frankly, it gave me the sort of feeling about a heart-touching story (which I really love to read).
First impression : 8/10
Of course, my first impression on this story wasn't that bad since I totally love your poster. However, later after the story ended, I noticed that you combined all the stories together in one link, causing you to remove the individual posters. This is bad because readers cannot see the poster you have made for '1000 wishes for you'. In case you still want to compile the one-shots, perhaps you can include the poster link on top of the story (I know you've put it in the forewords but doing it in the one-shot itself won't hurt) so the readers can check it if they want to. Overall, nothing actually matters because your posters are really great.
Forewords : -/10
Basically, I'm not going to count this part since your forewords consist of little summaries of different one-shots. I like the way you do it and it shows that you're clearly trying to tell your readers about your stories. As I said, If I were to count this one in, you may get lower mark but I'm completely not counting this on so it could stay on the positive side.
Plot : 12/15
First of all, the plot is a little bit confusing to start from, don't you think? It makes Jaejoong looks like some sort of convict, trying to escape from hell-doom. There is something I wanted to touch on since reading it, the organization of the plot. Let's begin, shall we? Okay, your plot is very well thought of but I am confident than you can do something better than this. I like your plot, but I don't want to give you perfect score since I know you can do better. You're a great writer and you should know how to adjust some parts in your plot. The beginning of the story, I suggest should run with some descriptive writing and not direct speech right over. It's like switching on the TV and before you could even sit down, the action already starts (I kind of get bored watching those kind of movies). So go with a brief explaination of either Jaejoong's life or what he was thinking, maybe it could be better.
Creativity/ Originality : 11/15
I decided to not deduct the score too much because you did your own posters and I thought that it was rather very creative to have your poster change every time a new one-shot is out. Most author wouldn't bother to do that but you did, so well done. Talk about originality, it wasn't that original, but not too overly used either. Maybe your twists in the story made it better. 1000 wishes for you, it should talk about wishes right? Yes, I do feel that the 'wishes' are emphasized here, but I was expecting more because I know that you can make full use of your talent. Try to make deep impression on the wishes so your readers will always remember this fic. Besides, it can increase your originality.
Flow : 7/10
The starting was quite slow and a bit draggy while some parts were just too superfluous, which surprises me. You know, coming to the ending, it was actually a bit abrupt. I don't have a perfect reason for this, but maybe it is because of your slow starting but ended up with such ending. This story suits more as two-shots or even a short story, but not really that 'objective' as one-shot. Why? It is because your one-shot is pretty long. There's nothing wrong with writing long one-shots, but some readers will get bored right in the middle part. Writers tend to include some unimportant scenes in the middle part of the story, causing it to go very boring. One the other hand, your story could still be written as one-shot, but remember to only pick those important lines and deep scenes. Avoid writing in superfluous style, it totally kills readers. Long one-shot doesn't mean it is good, but nice try in attempting it. I like it in a way –honestly.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 7/10
Your language is good, but remember that you also have some mistakes in tenses (maybe you didn't notice it or you didn't proofread it, but that's okay. I hate proofreading too).
Here's some.
-“Give me that tape” the man in black suit said threatening him at gunpoint. He was anonymously dressed. Black suit and black sunglasses. There was no way of recognizing him. Even if he could get a picture of this man it would be difficult to look up for his profile.
~*”Give me that tape,” the man in black suit threatened him at gunpoint. He donned such an anonymous attire, with black, dull sunglasses to cover his eyes. It made it hard for anyone to recognize him and check for his profile, even with his picture being secretly taken.
Reason: After the direct speech, remember to put a comma. At first, you already mentioned that the man was in black suit was threatening him, so there is no need to say it again with 'Black suit and black sunglasses'. You might want to take note of this, do not make choppy sentences. Like, ' He was anonymously dressed. Black suit and black sunglasses. There was no way of recognizing him.' It would be better if you combine the lines together so the sentence doesn't sound so choppy. Example, 'He was anonymously dressed with black suit and black sunglasses, making it no way for anyone to recognize him.'
-Jaejoong felt so thirsty as he looked at a glass of water sitting on the bedside table longingly
~* Jaejoong felt so thirsty as he looked longingly at the glass of water placed on the bedside table.
Reason: Were you trying to tell that he was looking longingly at the object or you were trying to say that the object was sitting longingly on the table? And glass of water doesn't really 'sit' (even if it is figuratively, it is still quite funny), it can either rest or being placed.
Characterization : 9/10
Yeah, you did mention about the characters' pasts but I don't think you elaborated their personalities enough, especially Jaejoong. The rest was okay.
Writing style : 9/10
Apart from being superfluous, I think you managed the rest really well :)
Overall enjoyment : 4/5
Yes, I do. No doubts there.
Sub total : 72/90
Bonus : 2/5
For making your own poster :D
Total : 74/90 = 82%
Well done :D
Title : 1000 wishes for you
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/beyla_1000wish/
Status : One-Shot, completed.
Reviewer : Anna @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 5/5
I simply love the title although I must say that it is pretty old-fashioned kind of way to portray the story. Like, having those crazy wishes on cranes, origami, and etc, but I like it. Sometimes, old fashioned seems to attract more, like what this title did to me. Frankly, it gave me the sort of feeling about a heart-touching story (which I really love to read).
First impression : 8/10
Of course, my first impression on this story wasn't that bad since I totally love your poster. However, later after the story ended, I noticed that you combined all the stories together in one link, causing you to remove the individual posters. This is bad because readers cannot see the poster you have made for '1000 wishes for you'. In case you still want to compile the one-shots, perhaps you can include the poster link on top of the story (I know you've put it in the forewords but doing it in the one-shot itself won't hurt) so the readers can check it if they want to. Overall, nothing actually matters because your posters are really great.
Forewords : -/10
Basically, I'm not going to count this part since your forewords consist of little summaries of different one-shots. I like the way you do it and it shows that you're clearly trying to tell your readers about your stories. As I said, If I were to count this one in, you may get lower mark but I'm completely not counting this on so it could stay on the positive side.
Plot : 12/15
First of all, the plot is a little bit confusing to start from, don't you think? It makes Jaejoong looks like some sort of convict, trying to escape from hell-doom. There is something I wanted to touch on since reading it, the organization of the plot. Let's begin, shall we? Okay, your plot is very well thought of but I am confident than you can do something better than this. I like your plot, but I don't want to give you perfect score since I know you can do better. You're a great writer and you should know how to adjust some parts in your plot. The beginning of the story, I suggest should run with some descriptive writing and not direct speech right over. It's like switching on the TV and before you could even sit down, the action already starts (I kind of get bored watching those kind of movies). So go with a brief explaination of either Jaejoong's life or what he was thinking, maybe it could be better.
Creativity/ Originality : 11/15
I decided to not deduct the score too much because you did your own posters and I thought that it was rather very creative to have your poster change every time a new one-shot is out. Most author wouldn't bother to do that but you did, so well done. Talk about originality, it wasn't that original, but not too overly used either. Maybe your twists in the story made it better. 1000 wishes for you, it should talk about wishes right? Yes, I do feel that the 'wishes' are emphasized here, but I was expecting more because I know that you can make full use of your talent. Try to make deep impression on the wishes so your readers will always remember this fic. Besides, it can increase your originality.
Flow : 7/10
The starting was quite slow and a bit draggy while some parts were just too superfluous, which surprises me. You know, coming to the ending, it was actually a bit abrupt. I don't have a perfect reason for this, but maybe it is because of your slow starting but ended up with such ending. This story suits more as two-shots or even a short story, but not really that 'objective' as one-shot. Why? It is because your one-shot is pretty long. There's nothing wrong with writing long one-shots, but some readers will get bored right in the middle part. Writers tend to include some unimportant scenes in the middle part of the story, causing it to go very boring. One the other hand, your story could still be written as one-shot, but remember to only pick those important lines and deep scenes. Avoid writing in superfluous style, it totally kills readers. Long one-shot doesn't mean it is good, but nice try in attempting it. I like it in a way –honestly.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 7/10
Your language is good, but remember that you also have some mistakes in tenses (maybe you didn't notice it or you didn't proofread it, but that's okay. I hate proofreading too).
Here's some.
-“Give me that tape” the man in black suit said threatening him at gunpoint. He was anonymously dressed. Black suit and black sunglasses. There was no way of recognizing him. Even if he could get a picture of this man it would be difficult to look up for his profile.
~*”Give me that tape,” the man in black suit threatened him at gunpoint. He donned such an anonymous attire, with black, dull sunglasses to cover his eyes. It made it hard for anyone to recognize him and check for his profile, even with his picture being secretly taken.
Reason: After the direct speech, remember to put a comma. At first, you already mentioned that the man was in black suit was threatening him, so there is no need to say it again with 'Black suit and black sunglasses'. You might want to take note of this, do not make choppy sentences. Like, ' He was anonymously dressed. Black suit and black sunglasses. There was no way of recognizing him.' It would be better if you combine the lines together so the sentence doesn't sound so choppy. Example, 'He was anonymously dressed with black suit and black sunglasses, making it no way for anyone to recognize him.'
-Jaejoong felt so thirsty as he looked at a glass of water sitting on the bedside table longingly
~* Jaejoong felt so thirsty as he looked longingly at the glass of water placed on the bedside table.
Reason: Were you trying to tell that he was looking longingly at the object or you were trying to say that the object was sitting longingly on the table? And glass of water doesn't really 'sit' (even if it is figuratively, it is still quite funny), it can either rest or being placed.
Characterization : 9/10
Yeah, you did mention about the characters' pasts but I don't think you elaborated their personalities enough, especially Jaejoong. The rest was okay.
Writing style : 9/10
Apart from being superfluous, I think you managed the rest really well :)
Overall enjoyment : 4/5
Yes, I do. No doubts there.
Sub total : 72/90
Bonus : 2/5
For making your own poster :D
Total : 74/90 = 82%
Well done :D
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