Title: Once Upon A Fairytale
Author: A I K A
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/keyfairytale/
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 2.5/5
I believe it should be: ‘Once Upon a Fairy Tale’ instead of ‘Once Upon A Fairytale’
Besides that, another mark was also taken due to lack of originality? Your title gave off a slightly cliché feeling. It kind of felt like it was going to be those ‘fairy tale love stories’. I personally thought you could’ve come up with a better title.
First Impression: 8.5/10
Your poster has a unique style, but somehow it didn’t really catch my interest. Although I will give you credit for making the poster and background yourself. I loved the colours.
Forewords: 10/10
It was interesting and probably one of the best forewords I’ve ever read. Great job! Also, as I was reading on, your forewords made more sense.
Plot: 13/15
Slight confusion going on in chapter two I believe. First, you wrote: ‘I was halfway in my room’ and then later on, you wrote: ‘giving up on entering my room’. So is he in his room or not?
Your plot was amazing, but you’ve made mistakes like ‘Ji Eun's trying hard to forget Jonghyun?’ and ‘Joo-yeon and Taemin jumped’ (when it was supposed to be Jieun with Taemin), makes your plot seem a little unrealistic. When you use fictional characters, remember to put the correct names or else readers might be confused as to who loves who.
There was also a part where Key called Joo-yeon, but I thought they didn’t have each other’s numbers?
There were a lot of depth to your plot, and you’ve explored very well into the situation as well as the characters. However, details make it more realistic, if your details are incorrect then it gives me a chance to pull your mark down.
Creativity/Originality: 13.5/15
One of the most original fanfics I’ve read, I must admit. Although, at times I did feel there were a few slightly overused storylines. However, overall it felt like you based your storyline around boys over flowers/meteor garden. Like a school with rich kids and a peasant girl. Family forcing heir to marry people they don’t love. It worked surprisingly well, but just a point I thought I’d make.
Flow: 8.5/10
The pace of your fiction was superb, although there were parts where it felt slightly rushed. Since your story was long, it’s actually really difficult to manage the flow. So I didn’t take too many marks off.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7.5/10
There were a lot of silly mistakes here and there. A few things you wrote and I wrote my corrections in brackets.
I mean, how do you know?" (You missed a quotation mark at the beginning)
will be their with their children (Should be ‘THERE’ not ‘THEIR’)
"Is that any was to talk to a lady?" (I think you meant ‘ANY WAY’)
Cinderella had a first a first love too. (Unnecessary repetition?)
How long was I asleep. (Question mark?)
eyebrow.I felt my face redden. (space?)
I really want to now what happened to her yesterday (should be ‘know’ not ‘now’)
A few awkward sentence structures going on here and there and spelling errors like: ‘log’ when you meant ‘long’, ‘Mingo’ when you meant ‘Minho’, ‘form’ when you meant ‘from’ etc.
Somewhere, Taemin turned into ‘Taeminf’ for a while.
A lot of typos, punctuation mistakes and lack of spacing near the end of your story. Please make an attempt to proof read.
Characterisation: 9/10
Your characterisation was ALMOST flawless to me. Still there were times when I had the though, would they really do that or what they really feel like that? Overall, your characters felt really realistic.
Writing Style: 8/10
I like the way you write and how some sentences were short and snapping. However I thought there were lots of opportunities where you could’ve added a connective to make your sentences flow better. Of course, your writing still makes sense regardless if there’s a connective or not. But because there were so many sentences like: ‘he said slowly, anger sinking in’. It just loses the effect because there were so many of these snappy sentences. Therefore, I would suggest you use a range of long and short sentences in future.
I loved how you linked your story with event in fairy tales. It’s a very intellectual piece of writing.
However, I really disliked how you went to a flashback without any warnings beside the:
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
…Which you also used for changing the scenes. Since you wrote in character’s perspectives, at the top you always put (someone’s name) POV, why don’t you put ‘FLASHBACK’ before you go into the flashback? At the end of the day, readers are reading this, not watching it. So I think it might be slightly better if readers are warned before flashbacks happen.
Finally, I shall conclude that your writing style is excellent, because I could actually imagine every scene in my head.
Overall Enjoyment: 4.5/5
Your fic was surprisingly amusing to read. I actually giggled a few times. Great job!
Sub Total: 85/100
Bonus: 3/5
- One of the best fanfics I’ve read.
- This fanfic probably has the highest mark I’ve given in reviewing.
- It was interesting to read
Total: 88/100
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
A Friend’s Confession by geesoo
Title: A Friend’s Confession
Author: geesoo
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CHA01
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 3/5 – It’s not really that creative; because it’s obvious you based it on 2AM’s song. Also, it’s a bit revealing. Maybe use a part of the lyrics instead of using the title of the song? But most importantly, this title is related to the fic.
First Impression: 10/10 – it’s pretty.
Forewords: 8/10
Your forewords set the scene up, which was good. It felt strange reading your forewords, because I thought your sentence structures were slightly awkward at times. But because I’m unsure I didn’t take marks off that.
Your forewords were quite repetitive. I could see you wanted the effect, but personally it was slightly uninteresting to see a similar scene three times. I liked the repetition of Wooyoung’s quote; however maybe alter the scenes a little?
Also, because of your forewords, I already deducted marks from your plot. [PLEASE READ PLOT SECTION]
Overall, it didn’t really grab my attention and make me want to read on, but it was very unique method of setting up the scene which not many writers use.
Plot: 9/15
In your forewords, you said that in 2002 the characters were 13. However, in 2005, you claimed that they were 14. There’s three years difference there…no matter how you calculate it, I don’t think it works. Let’s say, they just turned 13 at the time. So 2003 they would be 14, 2004 would be 15. Therefore in 2005, they have to be at least 15/16 of age. When doing a timeline, please make sure you have the stages planned out. By just looking at it, it’s obvious that you haven’t paid much attention to the character’s ages; therefore it also allowed me to reduce some marks in characterisation as well.
You’re a great writer, just need to be more careful.
I liked the bungee jump, but I didn’t like the rides. They weren’t interesting to read and especially because it’s a one-shot it wasn’t as effective. For one-shots I think it’s better to just leave the parts which are important, because that way you can create a bigger impact.
Your plot was obvious from the start, and it wasn’t particularly strong either.
Creativity/Originality: 8/15
I didn’t really see anything original here. I won’t say its cliché, but it was definitely used before. Maybe more elaboration would make it seem more original.
Flow: 6/10
There were a lot of short sentences which ruined the flow for me. It was like, ‘stop then go’. I believe connectives would’ve solved your problem here. A good balance between long and short sentences would make it better I think.
Surprisingly, even though your writing increased the pace, the plot was slow. As a short piece of writing, it didn’t create much of an impact on me for the majority of the writing. I just kept thinking: ‘so, what would this lead to?’ and ‘you included this…because…?’
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
‘This… i-isn’t f-f-fair…‘ (I don’t think there’s any need for spaces after the ‘…’)
‘…They had been going out now for four years,’ (I personally think the sentence would have been fine without the ‘now’.)
‘…Let me just get finished’ (It doesn’t sound quite right? Maybe ‘Just let me finish first’ would be better.)
‘… really since middle school’ (This doesn’t make sense. ‘…really’ wasn’t necessary.)
‘…because she in a steady relationship’ (‘…because she WAS in a steady relationship’)
Characterisation: 7/10
I think you should’ve explored into the feelings of your characters more. I could see their traits and habits, but I didn’t really know how they felt, especially Jay.
Writing Style: 7/10
I don’t know why, it felt really scripted for me. Like, there were some sentences where you could’ve used connectives to make them flow better. Also, there seemed to be more dialogue than description. I personally think that more description would’ve made your writing better.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It was sweet!
Sub Total: 68/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 72/100
Author: geesoo
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CHA01
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 3/5 – It’s not really that creative; because it’s obvious you based it on 2AM’s song. Also, it’s a bit revealing. Maybe use a part of the lyrics instead of using the title of the song? But most importantly, this title is related to the fic.
First Impression: 10/10 – it’s pretty.
Forewords: 8/10
Your forewords set the scene up, which was good. It felt strange reading your forewords, because I thought your sentence structures were slightly awkward at times. But because I’m unsure I didn’t take marks off that.
Your forewords were quite repetitive. I could see you wanted the effect, but personally it was slightly uninteresting to see a similar scene three times. I liked the repetition of Wooyoung’s quote; however maybe alter the scenes a little?
Also, because of your forewords, I already deducted marks from your plot. [PLEASE READ PLOT SECTION]
Overall, it didn’t really grab my attention and make me want to read on, but it was very unique method of setting up the scene which not many writers use.
Plot: 9/15
In your forewords, you said that in 2002 the characters were 13. However, in 2005, you claimed that they were 14. There’s three years difference there…no matter how you calculate it, I don’t think it works. Let’s say, they just turned 13 at the time. So 2003 they would be 14, 2004 would be 15. Therefore in 2005, they have to be at least 15/16 of age. When doing a timeline, please make sure you have the stages planned out. By just looking at it, it’s obvious that you haven’t paid much attention to the character’s ages; therefore it also allowed me to reduce some marks in characterisation as well.
You’re a great writer, just need to be more careful.
I liked the bungee jump, but I didn’t like the rides. They weren’t interesting to read and especially because it’s a one-shot it wasn’t as effective. For one-shots I think it’s better to just leave the parts which are important, because that way you can create a bigger impact.
Your plot was obvious from the start, and it wasn’t particularly strong either.
Creativity/Originality: 8/15
I didn’t really see anything original here. I won’t say its cliché, but it was definitely used before. Maybe more elaboration would make it seem more original.
Flow: 6/10
There were a lot of short sentences which ruined the flow for me. It was like, ‘stop then go’. I believe connectives would’ve solved your problem here. A good balance between long and short sentences would make it better I think.
Surprisingly, even though your writing increased the pace, the plot was slow. As a short piece of writing, it didn’t create much of an impact on me for the majority of the writing. I just kept thinking: ‘so, what would this lead to?’ and ‘you included this…because…?’
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
‘This… i-isn’t f-f-fair…‘ (I don’t think there’s any need for spaces after the ‘…’)
‘…They had been going out now for four years,’ (I personally think the sentence would have been fine without the ‘now’.)
‘…Let me just get finished’ (It doesn’t sound quite right? Maybe ‘Just let me finish first’ would be better.)
‘… really since middle school’ (This doesn’t make sense. ‘…really’ wasn’t necessary.)
‘…because she in a steady relationship’ (‘…because she WAS in a steady relationship’)
Characterisation: 7/10
I think you should’ve explored into the feelings of your characters more. I could see their traits and habits, but I didn’t really know how they felt, especially Jay.
Writing Style: 7/10
I don’t know why, it felt really scripted for me. Like, there were some sentences where you could’ve used connectives to make them flow better. Also, there seemed to be more dialogue than description. I personally think that more description would’ve made your writing better.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It was sweet!
Sub Total: 68/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 72/100
White Christmas by CJ
Title: White Chrismas
Author: CJ
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CJlightsyofiree/
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 1.5/5
We all know the song ‘White Christmas’, therefore I can’t really say it’s original. It’s related, but your writing didn’t really make your title seem effective.
First Impression: 6/10
I loved the colours. However, since its white Christmas, why isn’t there a white background? Why teal? I was really confused. The fonts were good; however the quote under the title is really hard to read. Please make quotes readable.
The pictures of the boys in the centre looks really crowded and I could barely recognise the one who’s upside down.
Finally, I didn’t like the red and teal combination. (Your links and background colour. It made my eyes fuzzy.)
Forewords: 5/10
You had good information, but there wasn’t enough there that made me want to read on. I was slightly confused as to where the story was actually heading.
Plot: 6/15
I couldn’t really see a plot until right at the end. It was conversation after conversation, and I didn’t even know where it was heading. Lots of scenes confused me as there weren’t much elaboration going on.
Creativity/Originality: 8/10
I did see some aspects of originality, but because you didn’t elaborate your scenes, it doesn’t seem as creative.
Flow: 3/10
Randomly, your scene just changed without any sort of notification or description. It makes the story really confusing. It was really hard to follow. It was like, your first scene was incomplete and you started the second one. It really gave the feeling that you’re being impromptu. Also, some of your scenes are too short. It’s really hard to keep up with the storyline. Occasionally, I go ‘where do these characters come from?!’ The flow is too quick and confusing.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
In your forewords, you wrote:
Jaebeom and Junho, aspiring singers meet up with some rookies up north in kangwondo. they meet their old army general, and now, they feel they owe him a favor.
If kangwondo is a place, then the ‘k’ should be capital. The ‘t’ in ‘they’ should also be capital, because it’s the start of a new sentence. (I’ve realised you didn’t capitalise your words a lot of the time when it’s the start of a new sentence. Please do so in future.)
The use of ‘said’ is really boring, and in chapter one only, you have used that word 22 times. It gets repetitive and uninteresting. Please try to broaden your vocabulary or use imagery so your readers can visualise how the characters deliver the lines. I saw some good vocabulary within your writing. However, please use them more often.
Reduced marks also included punctuation like ‘BUSAN!.’ There is no need for the full stop if you decided to use an exclamation mark.
Typos like:
‘…on the other en’ – I think you mean ‘end’
‘alreadly’ – Should be ‘already’
‘ax’ – I think you meant ‘axe’
‘if their interested’ – should be ‘if they’re interested’
Awkward sentence structures like:
‘…leaning a little ways away from Yoseob.’ (‘ways’ should not have been included in this sentence)
"Whats wrong with your face!" Junho grumbled. (I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here. ‘Whats’ should be ‘what’s’ and if this is a question, where’s the question mark?)
Please proof read in future. I do see that you’ve noticed you’ve your own grammar errors, but please fix them in your future writings.
Characterisation: 4/10
I saw some characterisation here and there, but generally there wasn’t enough description which made your characters believable.
Writing Style: 4/10
I really disliked the fact you used emoticon like ‘:D’ and ‘O___o’ and even signs like ‘~’ in the middle of your writing. I would’ve preferred it if you used actual words.
To be honest, I’m really not a fan of masses of dialogue. I do believe a good balance of dialogue and description would’ve improved your writing style, but that’s just my opinion.
I’ll give you credit for pointing out your alliteration, as you clearly understand the use of the technique. Since you understand the use of techniques, I would advise you to use some more in future to make your writing more interesting to read.
More marks would’ve been given if you included more descriptions and wrote your fic in paragraphs.
Overall Enjoyment: 1.5/5
you had loads of sweet scenes going on, but you need to elaborate to make it effective and enjoyable to read. I think you were thinking your fanfic in a drama or movie sort of way. However, in writing, you really do need to explain fully so your readers don’t get lost.
It was sweet, but somehow not really realistic to me. I prefer fictions which are more believable.
Sub Total: 44/100
(Sorry, this is just my opinion on how I think you can improve in future. I hope this didn’t offend you.)
Bonus: 2/5
- You managed to complete this fiction
- It wasn’t a cliché.
Total: 46/100
Author: CJ
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CJlightsyofiree/
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS
Title: 1.5/5
We all know the song ‘White Christmas’, therefore I can’t really say it’s original. It’s related, but your writing didn’t really make your title seem effective.
First Impression: 6/10
I loved the colours. However, since its white Christmas, why isn’t there a white background? Why teal? I was really confused. The fonts were good; however the quote under the title is really hard to read. Please make quotes readable.
The pictures of the boys in the centre looks really crowded and I could barely recognise the one who’s upside down.
Finally, I didn’t like the red and teal combination. (Your links and background colour. It made my eyes fuzzy.)
Forewords: 5/10
You had good information, but there wasn’t enough there that made me want to read on. I was slightly confused as to where the story was actually heading.
Plot: 6/15
I couldn’t really see a plot until right at the end. It was conversation after conversation, and I didn’t even know where it was heading. Lots of scenes confused me as there weren’t much elaboration going on.
Creativity/Originality: 8/10
I did see some aspects of originality, but because you didn’t elaborate your scenes, it doesn’t seem as creative.
Flow: 3/10
Randomly, your scene just changed without any sort of notification or description. It makes the story really confusing. It was really hard to follow. It was like, your first scene was incomplete and you started the second one. It really gave the feeling that you’re being impromptu. Also, some of your scenes are too short. It’s really hard to keep up with the storyline. Occasionally, I go ‘where do these characters come from?!’ The flow is too quick and confusing.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
In your forewords, you wrote:
Jaebeom and Junho, aspiring singers meet up with some rookies up north in kangwondo. they meet their old army general, and now, they feel they owe him a favor.
If kangwondo is a place, then the ‘k’ should be capital. The ‘t’ in ‘they’ should also be capital, because it’s the start of a new sentence. (I’ve realised you didn’t capitalise your words a lot of the time when it’s the start of a new sentence. Please do so in future.)
The use of ‘said’ is really boring, and in chapter one only, you have used that word 22 times. It gets repetitive and uninteresting. Please try to broaden your vocabulary or use imagery so your readers can visualise how the characters deliver the lines. I saw some good vocabulary within your writing. However, please use them more often.
Reduced marks also included punctuation like ‘BUSAN!.’ There is no need for the full stop if you decided to use an exclamation mark.
Typos like:
‘…on the other en’ – I think you mean ‘end’
‘alreadly’ – Should be ‘already’
‘ax’ – I think you meant ‘axe’
‘if their interested’ – should be ‘if they’re interested’
Awkward sentence structures like:
‘…leaning a little ways away from Yoseob.’ (‘ways’ should not have been included in this sentence)
"Whats wrong with your face!" Junho grumbled. (I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here. ‘Whats’ should be ‘what’s’ and if this is a question, where’s the question mark?)
Please proof read in future. I do see that you’ve noticed you’ve your own grammar errors, but please fix them in your future writings.
Characterisation: 4/10
I saw some characterisation here and there, but generally there wasn’t enough description which made your characters believable.
Writing Style: 4/10
I really disliked the fact you used emoticon like ‘:D’ and ‘O___o’ and even signs like ‘~’ in the middle of your writing. I would’ve preferred it if you used actual words.
To be honest, I’m really not a fan of masses of dialogue. I do believe a good balance of dialogue and description would’ve improved your writing style, but that’s just my opinion.
I’ll give you credit for pointing out your alliteration, as you clearly understand the use of the technique. Since you understand the use of techniques, I would advise you to use some more in future to make your writing more interesting to read.
More marks would’ve been given if you included more descriptions and wrote your fic in paragraphs.
Overall Enjoyment: 1.5/5
you had loads of sweet scenes going on, but you need to elaborate to make it effective and enjoyable to read. I think you were thinking your fanfic in a drama or movie sort of way. However, in writing, you really do need to explain fully so your readers don’t get lost.
It was sweet, but somehow not really realistic to me. I prefer fictions which are more believable.
Sub Total: 44/100
(Sorry, this is just my opinion on how I think you can improve in future. I hope this didn’t offend you.)
Bonus: 2/5
- You managed to complete this fiction
- It wasn’t a cliché.
Total: 46/100
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