White Christmas by CJ

Title: White Chrismas
Author: CJ
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CJlightsyofiree/
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS

Title: 1.5/5
We all know the song ‘White Christmas’, therefore I can’t really say it’s original. It’s related, but your writing didn’t really make your title seem effective.

First Impression: 6/10
I loved the colours. However, since its white Christmas, why isn’t there a white background? Why teal? I was really confused. The fonts were good; however the quote under the title is really hard to read. Please make quotes readable.
The pictures of the boys in the centre looks really crowded and I could barely recognise the one who’s upside down.
Finally, I didn’t like the red and teal combination. (Your links and background colour. It made my eyes fuzzy.)

Forewords: 5/10
You had good information, but there wasn’t enough there that made me want to read on. I was slightly confused as to where the story was actually heading.

Plot: 6/15
I couldn’t really see a plot until right at the end. It was conversation after conversation, and I didn’t even know where it was heading. Lots of scenes confused me as there weren’t much elaboration going on.

Creativity/Originality: 8/10
I did see some aspects of originality, but because you didn’t elaborate your scenes, it doesn’t seem as creative.

Flow: 3/10
Randomly, your scene just changed without any sort of notification or description. It makes the story really confusing. It was really hard to follow. It was like, your first scene was incomplete and you started the second one. It really gave the feeling that you’re being impromptu. Also, some of your scenes are too short. It’s really hard to keep up with the storyline. Occasionally, I go ‘where do these characters come from?!’ The flow is too quick and confusing.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10

In your forewords, you wrote:
Jaebeom and Junho, aspiring singers meet up with some rookies up north in kangwondo. they meet their old army general, and now, they feel they owe him a favor.
If kangwondo is a place, then the ‘k’ should be capital. The ‘t’ in ‘they’ should also be capital, because it’s the start of a new sentence. (I’ve realised you didn’t capitalise your words a lot of the time when it’s the start of a new sentence. Please do so in future.)
The use of ‘said’ is really boring, and in chapter one only, you have used that word 22 times. It gets repetitive and uninteresting. Please try to broaden your vocabulary or use imagery so your readers can visualise how the characters deliver the lines. I saw some good vocabulary within your writing. However, please use them more often.

Reduced marks also included punctuation like ‘BUSAN!.’ There is no need for the full stop if you decided to use an exclamation mark.

Typos like:
‘…on the other en’ – I think you mean ‘end’
‘alreadly’ – Should be ‘already’
‘ax’ – I think you meant ‘axe’
‘if their interested’ – should be ‘if they’re interested’
Awkward sentence structures like:
‘…leaning a little ways away from Yoseob.’ (‘ways’ should not have been included in this sentence)
"Whats wrong with your face!" Junho grumbled. (I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here. ‘Whats’ should be ‘what’s’ and if this is a question, where’s the question mark?)
Please proof read in future. I do see that you’ve noticed you’ve your own grammar errors, but please fix them in your future writings.

Characterisation: 4/10
I saw some characterisation here and there, but generally there wasn’t enough description which made your characters believable.

Writing Style: 4/10
I really disliked the fact you used emoticon like ‘:D’ and ‘O___o’ and even signs like ‘~’ in the middle of your writing. I would’ve preferred it if you used actual words.
To be honest, I’m really not a fan of masses of dialogue. I do believe a good balance of dialogue and description would’ve improved your writing style, but that’s just my opinion.
I’ll give you credit for pointing out your alliteration, as you clearly understand the use of the technique. Since you understand the use of techniques, I would advise you to use some more in future to make your writing more interesting to read.
More marks would’ve been given if you included more descriptions and wrote your fic in paragraphs.

Overall Enjoyment: 1.5/5
you had loads of sweet scenes going on, but you need to elaborate to make it effective and enjoyable to read. I think you were thinking your fanfic in a drama or movie sort of way. However, in writing, you really do need to explain fully so your readers don’t get lost.
It was sweet, but somehow not really realistic to me. I prefer fictions which are more believable.
Sub Total: 44/100
(Sorry, this is just my opinion on how I think you can improve in future. I hope this didn’t offend you.)

Bonus: 2/5
- You managed to complete this fiction
- It wasn’t a cliché.

Total: 46/100