A Friend’s Confession by geesoo

Title: A Friend’s Confession
Author: geesoo
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CHA01
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS


Title: 3/5 – It’s not really that creative; because it’s obvious you based it on 2AM’s song. Also, it’s a bit revealing. Maybe use a part of the lyrics instead of using the title of the song? But most importantly, this title is related to the fic.

First Impression: 10/10 – it’s pretty.

Forewords: 8/10

Your forewords set the scene up, which was good. It felt strange reading your forewords, because I thought your sentence structures were slightly awkward at times. But because I’m unsure I didn’t take marks off that.

Your forewords were quite repetitive. I could see you wanted the effect, but personally it was slightly uninteresting to see a similar scene three times. I liked the repetition of Wooyoung’s quote; however maybe alter the scenes a little?

Also, because of your forewords, I already deducted marks from your plot. [PLEASE READ PLOT SECTION]

Overall, it didn’t really grab my attention and make me want to read on, but it was very unique method of setting up the scene which not many writers use.

Plot: 9/15

In your forewords, you said that in 2002 the characters were 13. However, in 2005, you claimed that they were 14. There’s three years difference there…no matter how you calculate it, I don’t think it works. Let’s say, they just turned 13 at the time. So 2003 they would be 14, 2004 would be 15. Therefore in 2005, they have to be at least 15/16 of age. When doing a timeline, please make sure you have the stages planned out. By just looking at it, it’s obvious that you haven’t paid much attention to the character’s ages; therefore it also allowed me to reduce some marks in characterisation as well.

You’re a great writer, just need to be more careful.

I liked the bungee jump, but I didn’t like the rides. They weren’t interesting to read and especially because it’s a one-shot it wasn’t as effective. For one-shots I think it’s better to just leave the parts which are important, because that way you can create a bigger impact.

Your plot was obvious from the start, and it wasn’t particularly strong either.

Creativity/Originality: 8/15

I didn’t really see anything original here. I won’t say its cliché, but it was definitely used before. Maybe more elaboration would make it seem more original.

Flow: 6/10

There were a lot of short sentences which ruined the flow for me. It was like, ‘stop then go’. I believe connectives would’ve solved your problem here. A good balance between long and short sentences would make it better I think.

Surprisingly, even though your writing increased the pace, the plot was slow. As a short piece of writing, it didn’t create much of an impact on me for the majority of the writing. I just kept thinking: ‘so, what would this lead to?’ and ‘you included this…because…?’

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10

‘This… i-isn’t f-f-fair…‘ (I don’t think there’s any need for spaces after the ‘…’)

‘…They had been going out now for four years,’ (I personally think the sentence would have been fine without the ‘now’.)

‘…Let me just get finished’ (It doesn’t sound quite right? Maybe ‘Just let me finish first’ would be better.)

‘… really since middle school’ (This doesn’t make sense. ‘…really’ wasn’t necessary.)

‘…because she in a steady relationship’ (‘…because she WAS in a steady relationship’)

Characterisation: 7/10

I think you should’ve explored into the feelings of your characters more. I could see their traits and habits, but I didn’t really know how they felt, especially Jay.

Writing Style: 7/10

I don’t know why, it felt really scripted for me. Like, there were some sentences where you could’ve used connectives to make them flow better. Also, there seemed to be more dialogue than description. I personally think that more description would’ve made your writing better.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

It was sweet!

Sub Total: 68/100

Bonus: 4/5

Total: 72/100