Title: An Angel In Hell {D A (R) K F I C}
Author: TopToryfangurl~;D
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/AngelHell
Status: On-Going
Reviewer: Lyselmae Atienza-LatienzaRawr.Out.Loud
*note*I am only a reviewer, I am here to help you improve on your future fanfics. So please do not be offended by my comments. I have NOTHING against the author. – Latienza
Title: 4/5
The title itself was straight to the point, and at the same time, it was very attractive in terms of captivating a reader’s attention. I didn’t give you a full mark though because the title kind of gave away the main idea, but it was all good. I have to give you props though in connecting the title really well with the story. Great job.
First Impression: 8/10
This section is usually for the Reviewer. So I might be the only one who has this type of impression. Just opening this fanfic, I felt the thrill in reading this type of story. Especially with the characters that were chosen. I only gave you an 8 because reading for forewords and such, I was confused if it was really a Rated fanfic because you kept indicating that it was, then it wasn’t so… better get that straight.
Forewords: 7/10
You did more of connecting with the reader than actually giving a foreword. In addition, if you had expanded your thoughts in your forewords, your mark could’ve increased. But I have to tell you the truth, I found your prologue interesting. You just need to think about what’s missing like introduction of characters, etc, and what’s not needed.
Plot: 13.5/15
The plot was very different than others. It really portrays reality. Not some fairytale, but reality. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that it really gives readers an insight of the ‘real’ world. A 13.5 was well deserved.
Creativity/Originality: 14/15
Your overall creativity was good. There weren’t any problems with it. The poster and background really suit the story. With originality, it was also good. Your fanfic is unique, but I guess I’ve found some of your scenes in other stories, earning you a 14. Still pretty high, no?
Flow: 9/10
The flow was good. No stopping. It kept going as was expected.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Honestly, nothing was wrong with your vocabulary, your precision of language was acceptable and at the same time, unique. Spelling/Grammar on the other hand, was alright. A few mistakes were made. The only thing you need I guess is to reread your chapter, after being written to prevent mistakes like: “He made his over to the bed.”
Characterization: 8/10
Your characterization was good. No problems with it. I’m not really familiar with these characters, so I have nothing against it… for now. Haha. I do somewhat get confused because there may be too many major characters. You may not know it but, minor characters shouldn’t be in important scenes ALL the time. You didn’t have a problem with that, but I just wanted to tell you that next time, don’t make too many major characters. Focus on 2 or 3 major, then the rest minors. It may just be me, so please excuse me, but I am still a reader right?
Writing Style: 8/10
Your writing style didn’t really bother me. It was easy to read, but I guess you should just describe more. Add more details, not only to the characters, but in the setting, moods, etc.
Overall Enjoyment: 2.5/5
I enjoyed it, but I guess I don’t like seeing people do those violent things to themselves. It’s not really the authors fault. It’s mine. It’s my opinion so…
Sub Total: 74/100
Bonus: 2/5
I gave you a 2 for requesting @ Rawr.Out.Loud for both poster/background & review :)
Total: 76/100
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Heartbeat by jwyl
Title: Heartbeat
Author: Jwyl
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jwyl01
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Lyselmae Atienza-LatienzaRawr.Out.Loud
*note*I am only a reviewer, I am here to help you improve on your future fanfics. So please do not be offended by my comments. – Latienza
Title: -4/5
I gave you a 4 because I found the title very interesting, yet for me, I feel as if something was missing. Not everyone would be captured and persuaded in reading your fanfic, due to your title. But I ensure you that it is still a captivating title
First Impression: -8/10
When I first open a link/fanfic, I always look at the connection that the title and poster have. It gave me a very good impression. Yet why did I give you an 8? It’s because the background could be improved. This goes mostly to the artist I guess… The quotes you chose were very interesting as well.
Forewords: -5/10
The forewords itself is self-explanatory. You need to add more detail, but since it’s a One-Shot, I gave you a 5.
Plot: -13/15
The plot was very very very good. You could, although, improve in many ways such as adding twists... but since it's a one-shot, it was alright. 13 is the most deserved because the part near the ending was predictable, but the ending itself was outstanding.
Creativity/Originality: -14/15
People usually like to have a happy ending. Yours was a mixture of both happy and sad ending which was greatly appreciated especially with the type of plot and storyline you chose. So I gave you a 14.
Flow: -9/10
The flow was good. Nothing happened too fast, or too slow. I just don’t give full marks when I know that there is something missing.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: -8/10
I really wanted to mark you hard on this one, but it was very hard to find mistakes. But there were a few. For example: “After today, we’ll be together forever Ri In.” You have to remember the COMMA when indicating a name. Overall, I liked your precision of language.
Characterization: -8/10
I gave you a 8 because you really didn’t have a choice with your characters. But the minor characters were a good pick.
Writing Style: -8/10
I liked your writing style. It wasn’t in script style earning you an 8. It could be improved like by describing Junsu’s tux more, or Ri In’s dress… etc. You get the point right?
Overall Enjoyment: -3/5
I enjoyed your story. But since I’m not a huge fan of Junsu, I gave a 4. It’s not really your fault.
Sub Total: -81/100
Bonus: -1/5
I would’ve given you higher if it was a longer story. Hahah.
Total: -82/100
Author: Jwyl
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jwyl01
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Lyselmae Atienza-LatienzaRawr.Out.Loud
*note*I am only a reviewer, I am here to help you improve on your future fanfics. So please do not be offended by my comments. – Latienza
Title: -4/5
I gave you a 4 because I found the title very interesting, yet for me, I feel as if something was missing. Not everyone would be captured and persuaded in reading your fanfic, due to your title. But I ensure you that it is still a captivating title
First Impression: -8/10
When I first open a link/fanfic, I always look at the connection that the title and poster have. It gave me a very good impression. Yet why did I give you an 8? It’s because the background could be improved. This goes mostly to the artist I guess… The quotes you chose were very interesting as well.
Forewords: -5/10
The forewords itself is self-explanatory. You need to add more detail, but since it’s a One-Shot, I gave you a 5.
Plot: -13/15
The plot was very very very good. You could, although, improve in many ways such as adding twists... but since it's a one-shot, it was alright. 13 is the most deserved because the part near the ending was predictable, but the ending itself was outstanding.
Creativity/Originality: -14/15
People usually like to have a happy ending. Yours was a mixture of both happy and sad ending which was greatly appreciated especially with the type of plot and storyline you chose. So I gave you a 14.
Flow: -9/10
The flow was good. Nothing happened too fast, or too slow. I just don’t give full marks when I know that there is something missing.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: -8/10
I really wanted to mark you hard on this one, but it was very hard to find mistakes. But there were a few. For example: “After today, we’ll be together forever Ri In.” You have to remember the COMMA when indicating a name. Overall, I liked your precision of language.
Characterization: -8/10
I gave you a 8 because you really didn’t have a choice with your characters. But the minor characters were a good pick.
Writing Style: -8/10
I liked your writing style. It wasn’t in script style earning you an 8. It could be improved like by describing Junsu’s tux more, or Ri In’s dress… etc. You get the point right?
Overall Enjoyment: -3/5
I enjoyed your story. But since I’m not a huge fan of Junsu, I gave a 4. It’s not really your fault.
Sub Total: -81/100
Bonus: -1/5
I would’ve given you higher if it was a longer story. Hahah.
Total: -82/100
Friday, May 22, 2009
~*~Niji Gakuen~*~ by Yuna Ninomiya
Author : Yuna Ninomiya
Title : ~*~Niji Gakuen~*~
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/kazunari_yuna/
Status : On-Going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 3/5
I don't know what Niji Gakuen means.. It's the name of the campus right? It is pretty interesting, but it would be better to keep it 'Niji Gakuen' instead of '~*~Niji Gakuen~*~'. It is neater that way and much more presentable.
First impression : 8/10
My first impression was “Oh, she has a nice poster. Not bad.” because from your title, I was afraid that your poster will be more or less like your title, which is fancy but not formal. I was really glad that the pictures of the girls there are labeled with their names cause I simply had to refer back to the poster to know who are who and so on. (Cause you have Japanese and Korean characters and I couldn't remember their names just like that.) BUT, your link color is totally off with the poster and background. They are in blue and purples. Try to change it to other colors which match the whole poster and bg.
Forewords : 4/10
I could only give you marks for the brief introduction about the girl leaving the boy, but not much. First, I don't know what the girl will be doing since the introduction you put up is really short.
Plot : 10/15
I cannot say that I fancy the plot, or say I dislike the plot. It is in between. You have the idea, but somehow, it's not really 'lively'. The first 8 chapters were used to explain the entrance of the girls to Niji Gakuen and the rest are when everything starts. So it doesn't really tell us what is going to happen. I mean, it has just started and I couldn't find any BIG, INTERESTING, event.
Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
I like how you described the campus, the rich type of campus. Very fairytale-like and imaginative. The combination of modern and those princesses and princes tales which made this story different than the others. I don't know if you had noticed this, but there are a lot of stories in winglin with those campus type and got accepted because of talent and so on. What I like about this is how you make me imagine how great the campus is.
Flow : 9/10
So far so good. It is not too fast and not too slow. But the part when one of the Japanese boys (I forgot his name) starting to like Jiro's girlfriend was too fast. They just met!
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
Your vocabulary is above average and it is very nice to read organized words. However, there are still small mistakes and spelling error.
Characterization : 5/10
I had to squeeze my brain to remember all the names but I couldn't. The only names I could remember is of course, the Korean names and a few of Korean girl characters. I couldn't remember all the Japanese girls because there are many and it confused me on trying to remember who they met and their connection to one another. (Thanks to the poster, because I had to look back to see who they are).
Writing style : 9/10
At first, your writing style in your forewords was hard to read. But coming to first chapter, it was really good.
Overall enjoyment : 2/5
It was okay. Maybe it bores me a little cause I had to go through each of the characters leaving their families and etc. But I also enjoyed reading JiYong's slyness and some other girls' personality
Sub total : 71/100
Bonus : 2/5
You replied to your readers. Very good.
Total : 73/100
Well done. Impressive ^^
Title : ~*~Niji Gakuen~*~
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/kazunari_yuna/
Status : On-Going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 3/5
I don't know what Niji Gakuen means.. It's the name of the campus right? It is pretty interesting, but it would be better to keep it 'Niji Gakuen' instead of '~*~Niji Gakuen~*~'. It is neater that way and much more presentable.
First impression : 8/10
My first impression was “Oh, she has a nice poster. Not bad.” because from your title, I was afraid that your poster will be more or less like your title, which is fancy but not formal. I was really glad that the pictures of the girls there are labeled with their names cause I simply had to refer back to the poster to know who are who and so on. (Cause you have Japanese and Korean characters and I couldn't remember their names just like that.) BUT, your link color is totally off with the poster and background. They are in blue and purples. Try to change it to other colors which match the whole poster and bg.
Forewords : 4/10
I could only give you marks for the brief introduction about the girl leaving the boy, but not much. First, I don't know what the girl will be doing since the introduction you put up is really short.
Plot : 10/15
I cannot say that I fancy the plot, or say I dislike the plot. It is in between. You have the idea, but somehow, it's not really 'lively'. The first 8 chapters were used to explain the entrance of the girls to Niji Gakuen and the rest are when everything starts. So it doesn't really tell us what is going to happen. I mean, it has just started and I couldn't find any BIG, INTERESTING, event.
Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
I like how you described the campus, the rich type of campus. Very fairytale-like and imaginative. The combination of modern and those princesses and princes tales which made this story different than the others. I don't know if you had noticed this, but there are a lot of stories in winglin with those campus type and got accepted because of talent and so on. What I like about this is how you make me imagine how great the campus is.
Flow : 9/10
So far so good. It is not too fast and not too slow. But the part when one of the Japanese boys (I forgot his name) starting to like Jiro's girlfriend was too fast. They just met!
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
Your vocabulary is above average and it is very nice to read organized words. However, there are still small mistakes and spelling error.
Characterization : 5/10
I had to squeeze my brain to remember all the names but I couldn't. The only names I could remember is of course, the Korean names and a few of Korean girl characters. I couldn't remember all the Japanese girls because there are many and it confused me on trying to remember who they met and their connection to one another. (Thanks to the poster, because I had to look back to see who they are).
Writing style : 9/10
At first, your writing style in your forewords was hard to read. But coming to first chapter, it was really good.
Overall enjoyment : 2/5
It was okay. Maybe it bores me a little cause I had to go through each of the characters leaving their families and etc. But I also enjoyed reading JiYong's slyness and some other girls' personality
Sub total : 71/100
Bonus : 2/5
You replied to your readers. Very good.
Total : 73/100
Well done. Impressive ^^
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Secrets by for3v3r
Author : for3v3r
Title : Secrets
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/for3v3r/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 4/5
I like short title more than those long ones. But for this title, I'll be giving you 4 because your story is not just about secrets that Arron didn't know, but it is about the feeling of betrayal too.
Poster/Background : 10/10
Perfect. It is very neat and nice. But I feel that Hebe is only playing a small role at the start.
Forewords : 5/10
It is good but it is too short.. The only thing that is making it long is those 'fullstops', which is very unnecessary. Look at your title and observe it carefully. What are secrets actually? Are they supposed to be told? Will they cause fatality to someone? How will Arron react to everything? Do something that will make your readers tempted to read the next chapter. Interesting forewords can catch readers.
Plot : 8/15
The plot is VERY cliché and dramatic things happened after another. At first, he found out the secret, and then his mother died, and then he figured that he was not a biological son and in the end, his father died. All of them was very cliché. Even if you want to make this, make it in proper order. Your chapters are too short and it squeezed your plot. It would be better if you made this as one-shot. This is more like reading continuous unfortunate events in Arron's life, as if everything bad happens to Arron everyday.
Creativity/ Originality : 9/15
I didn't see any obvious creativity nor originality. You may have your own idea, but try to put in more factual event. I mean, Arron's mother was suddenly dying and things went messed up. Usually, people who commits suicide will die on spot. Except if she WAS TRYING to commit suicide but she was unsuccessful. I know you're trying your best to write it, just practise more okay? :)
Flow : 6/10
Short chapters with a lot of unfortunate things happening to Arron. It's too draggy, dear. As I said, it would be better if it is one-shot.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Your usage of language is good but you also flaunted at some places.
Example-
1)It was another tired day of work for Arron.
He walked into the house expecting a scent of smell, however, he did not.
= It was another TIRING working day for Arron (Days cannot be tired, it can only be tiring.)
He walked into the house, expecting a scent of smell (What smell actually? Baking smell? Cooking smell?). However, he did not. [Take care of the commas and fullstops.]
2)‘Why does this box looked so familiar?’ He thought.
= 'Why does this box look so familiar?' He thought.
3)“Why did you lie to me?” Arron screamed his mother in tears.
= “Why did you lie to me?” Arron yelled at his mother, crying a little.
There are more, you should revise it again.. Your vocabulary is good, but you have a lot of spelling errors.
Characterization : 6/10
I don't know whether Arron is a normal guy or an artist here. Since it is a short story, Arron's personality isn't fully described. I thought that this story was supposed to be mainly on Hebe and him, but it is not. It's more to Arron. Hebe only played a correct role at the end of the story.
Writing style : 8/10
Your writing style is like those short, little lines. Not really descriptive, but easy to read.
Overall enjoyment : 2/5
It was okay, but too cliché. Simple and easy to understand. (regardless of the cliché part, of course)
Sub total : 64/100
Bonus : 2/5
Do not give up. Keep on writing! ^^
Total : 66/100
I read your one-shot, running away and It is better ^^
Title : Secrets
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/for3v3r/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 4/5
I like short title more than those long ones. But for this title, I'll be giving you 4 because your story is not just about secrets that Arron didn't know, but it is about the feeling of betrayal too.
Poster/Background : 10/10
Perfect. It is very neat and nice. But I feel that Hebe is only playing a small role at the start.
Forewords : 5/10
It is good but it is too short.. The only thing that is making it long is those 'fullstops', which is very unnecessary. Look at your title and observe it carefully. What are secrets actually? Are they supposed to be told? Will they cause fatality to someone? How will Arron react to everything? Do something that will make your readers tempted to read the next chapter. Interesting forewords can catch readers.
Plot : 8/15
The plot is VERY cliché and dramatic things happened after another. At first, he found out the secret, and then his mother died, and then he figured that he was not a biological son and in the end, his father died. All of them was very cliché. Even if you want to make this, make it in proper order. Your chapters are too short and it squeezed your plot. It would be better if you made this as one-shot. This is more like reading continuous unfortunate events in Arron's life, as if everything bad happens to Arron everyday.
Creativity/ Originality : 9/15
I didn't see any obvious creativity nor originality. You may have your own idea, but try to put in more factual event. I mean, Arron's mother was suddenly dying and things went messed up. Usually, people who commits suicide will die on spot. Except if she WAS TRYING to commit suicide but she was unsuccessful. I know you're trying your best to write it, just practise more okay? :)
Flow : 6/10
Short chapters with a lot of unfortunate things happening to Arron. It's too draggy, dear. As I said, it would be better if it is one-shot.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Your usage of language is good but you also flaunted at some places.
Example-
1)It was another tired day of work for Arron.
He walked into the house expecting a scent of smell, however, he did not.
= It was another TIRING working day for Arron (Days cannot be tired, it can only be tiring.)
He walked into the house, expecting a scent of smell (What smell actually? Baking smell? Cooking smell?). However, he did not. [Take care of the commas and fullstops.]
2)‘Why does this box looked so familiar?’ He thought.
= 'Why does this box look so familiar?' He thought.
3)“Why did you lie to me?” Arron screamed his mother in tears.
= “Why did you lie to me?” Arron yelled at his mother, crying a little.
There are more, you should revise it again.. Your vocabulary is good, but you have a lot of spelling errors.
Characterization : 6/10
I don't know whether Arron is a normal guy or an artist here. Since it is a short story, Arron's personality isn't fully described. I thought that this story was supposed to be mainly on Hebe and him, but it is not. It's more to Arron. Hebe only played a correct role at the end of the story.
Writing style : 8/10
Your writing style is like those short, little lines. Not really descriptive, but easy to read.
Overall enjoyment : 2/5
It was okay, but too cliché. Simple and easy to understand. (regardless of the cliché part, of course)
Sub total : 64/100
Bonus : 2/5
Do not give up. Keep on writing! ^^
Total : 66/100
I read your one-shot, running away and It is better ^^
Friday the 13th by Phoebe a.k.a Phebs
Author : Phoebe a.k.a Phebs
Title : Friday the 13th
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/aethia321/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 5/5
Unlike any other title, this title helps the story to bring out on how there's no such thing as born with bad luck. I like it even though it is simple and straightforward.
Poster/Background : 9/10
Yes, I like the poster but the pictures are not blending together with the background. Shades of white can be seen around the characters' pictures, which make the poster less 'perfect'. However, I feel like Junsu and Jaejoong are at the same place which is good. ^^ I love the wording too ^^
Forewords : 3/10
It is very simple and you're just describing on what is bad luck and how it happened to be in that girl's life. Surely that will be fine, but it is too short. I found this one amusing though, “Her mom died when giving her birth and her friends said that she's bringing bad luck”. You should put it in the forewords, and of course, with more details :D
Plot : 14/15
Honestly, I LOVE every plot that you did. You know how to put every small things that she encountered and made them into wonderful chapters. I simply never got bored reading your fanfic. I like how things are organized and have logical sequences here.
Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
Marks for creativity for making Jaejoong two persons at a time. One, for making him so sweet in general view and second, for making me want to go into your story and slam his face on the wall for not remembering his own girlfriend and believing in Tiffany instead. Your story made me go up and down emotionally, and I think it's a good thing. I can almost feel what Hyo Joo was feeling. Although for originality, it may not be 100% perfect, but it is still good.
Flow : 8/10
It was pretty fast at the beginning, but in the middle it was very fine and lovely. The part before Jaejoong remembered Hyo Joo was a little fast. It'll be good to show how jealous Jaejoong was when Junsu announced Hyo Joo as his girlfriend.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 7/10
There are some mistakes in the spelling and also tenses, but they didn't bother me much. Some sentences are confusing cause you used present tense and also past tense at the same time. Your vocabulary is admirable because you put in simple vocabs but enough to make it outstanding. (Sometimes big words are very boring too)
Characterization : 10/10
Perfect. I don't need to say more cause I think it is very good..
Writing style : 8/10
Not much problem, except for the {thoughts}, which I have mentioned earlier in the other reviews.
Overall enjoyment : 5/5
Very, very, very good. I'm not trying to be flattering or what, but it is true.
Sub total : 82/100
Bonus : 3/5
Total : 85/100
For a first-timer, this is a very good grade.
Title : Friday the 13th
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/aethia321/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 5/5
Unlike any other title, this title helps the story to bring out on how there's no such thing as born with bad luck. I like it even though it is simple and straightforward.
Poster/Background : 9/10
Yes, I like the poster but the pictures are not blending together with the background. Shades of white can be seen around the characters' pictures, which make the poster less 'perfect'. However, I feel like Junsu and Jaejoong are at the same place which is good. ^^ I love the wording too ^^
Forewords : 3/10
It is very simple and you're just describing on what is bad luck and how it happened to be in that girl's life. Surely that will be fine, but it is too short. I found this one amusing though, “Her mom died when giving her birth and her friends said that she's bringing bad luck”. You should put it in the forewords, and of course, with more details :D
Plot : 14/15
Honestly, I LOVE every plot that you did. You know how to put every small things that she encountered and made them into wonderful chapters. I simply never got bored reading your fanfic. I like how things are organized and have logical sequences here.
Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
Marks for creativity for making Jaejoong two persons at a time. One, for making him so sweet in general view and second, for making me want to go into your story and slam his face on the wall for not remembering his own girlfriend and believing in Tiffany instead. Your story made me go up and down emotionally, and I think it's a good thing. I can almost feel what Hyo Joo was feeling. Although for originality, it may not be 100% perfect, but it is still good.
Flow : 8/10
It was pretty fast at the beginning, but in the middle it was very fine and lovely. The part before Jaejoong remembered Hyo Joo was a little fast. It'll be good to show how jealous Jaejoong was when Junsu announced Hyo Joo as his girlfriend.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 7/10
There are some mistakes in the spelling and also tenses, but they didn't bother me much. Some sentences are confusing cause you used present tense and also past tense at the same time. Your vocabulary is admirable because you put in simple vocabs but enough to make it outstanding. (Sometimes big words are very boring too)
Characterization : 10/10
Perfect. I don't need to say more cause I think it is very good..
Writing style : 8/10
Not much problem, except for the {thoughts}, which I have mentioned earlier in the other reviews.
Overall enjoyment : 5/5
Very, very, very good. I'm not trying to be flattering or what, but it is true.
Sub total : 82/100
Bonus : 3/5
Total : 85/100
For a first-timer, this is a very good grade.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Lovely baby [Tears from lovers to friends] by Hyoorin
Author : Hyoorin
Title : Lovely baby [Tears from lovers to friends]
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/HyooRin/
Status : On-Going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning: The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My point of view may differ from the others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title: 3/5
The title is long and inaccurate for me, you should decide on whether to put 'Lovely baby' or just 'tears from lovers to friends' because if you put 'Lovely baby [tears from lovers to friends]' it doesn't really connect to each other. So far, I would like it if you just put, 'Tears from lovers to friends'.
Poster/Background: 3/10
No poster and no background. Make one if you can, or request from a site ^^ 3 marks because you changed the font color BUT purple font with lighter purple background don't match. It's hard to read too.
Forewords: 3/10
I cannot relate anything to the forewords. Why? Because you're only telling your characters' connection to one another and basic informations about them. You did tell me that the girl's relationship with Changmin went shaky when Yunho entered the frame but not elaborating it. Some people may agree with a simple introduction, but for me it is nicer to read a detailed foreword.
Plot: 7/15
Your story is only 4 short chapters and you didn't tell us the whole summary of the story, so I may as well say that the plot is hanging and I only get to read the simple introduction of the plot. Which is Yunho meeting the girl, and Changmin met him, that's it. I still don't know what will happen next. But if I were to judge from the title, it says that Hye Jin and Changmin will turn from lovers to friends. Is that right?
Creativity/ Originality: 8/15
I like Changmin's character here. He seemed so mature and cool about everything. Other than making him a childish, food lover. However, there are also some cliché scenes which I would like to skip. Originality is not much but a little more effort should help you with it.
Flow: 6/10
In the middle. The flow was fast at the beginning but I think you managed it well.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 3/10
I am sorry and I don't mean to offend you, but I am really confused when I was reading it. You have many spelling errors, grammar mistakes and most important, the tenses. You should take care of the narrator, because at one point the POV was Hye Jin's POV, then it was a freestyle POV.. Example-
I go downstairs and join my appa and my oppa, Micky.
“ Yah! Eat Faster Hye Jin-ah” Micky said
“Oppa, my hands kinda lazy right now” with a cute voice from Hye Jin [Take note that here, you used Hye Jin's POV]
“Come let me feed you baby sis” Micky kindly said
Then I grabbed my bag and go to school. [Then here, you used your own POV] “See you later appa!”
“Yes Dear! Careful” appa smiled
“Hey! What about me?!”Shouts Micky
**Not just that, you should take care of your past and present tense too. Example-
Then I grabbed my bag and go to school. “See you later appa!” [You used past tense here for the 'grabbed']
“Hey! What about me?!”Shouts Micky [And here, it is present tense for 'shouts'. It should be 'shouted']
**You made this mistake a lot.
Characterization: 7/10
So far, it is okay but I still need to know more about the characters. I want to know about Hye Jin since I am expecting her to be the main character but I still can't get her full personality.
Writing style: 7/10
Because of the spelling mistakes, your writing is disturbed. Spacing should be taken care of and also punctuations.
Overall enjoyment: 4/5
Regardless of the hard-to-understand writing, I think it is pretty good. It would be better if you write it nicely.
Sub total: 51/100
Bonus: 2/5
Total: 53/100
Don't be degraded by the marks. I believe you can do better if you do practice. Don't give up, hwaiting!
Title : Lovely baby [Tears from lovers to friends]
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/HyooRin/
Status : On-Going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning: The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My point of view may differ from the others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title: 3/5
The title is long and inaccurate for me, you should decide on whether to put 'Lovely baby' or just 'tears from lovers to friends' because if you put 'Lovely baby [tears from lovers to friends]' it doesn't really connect to each other. So far, I would like it if you just put, 'Tears from lovers to friends'.
Poster/Background: 3/10
No poster and no background. Make one if you can, or request from a site ^^ 3 marks because you changed the font color BUT purple font with lighter purple background don't match. It's hard to read too.
Forewords: 3/10
I cannot relate anything to the forewords. Why? Because you're only telling your characters' connection to one another and basic informations about them. You did tell me that the girl's relationship with Changmin went shaky when Yunho entered the frame but not elaborating it. Some people may agree with a simple introduction, but for me it is nicer to read a detailed foreword.
Plot: 7/15
Your story is only 4 short chapters and you didn't tell us the whole summary of the story, so I may as well say that the plot is hanging and I only get to read the simple introduction of the plot. Which is Yunho meeting the girl, and Changmin met him, that's it. I still don't know what will happen next. But if I were to judge from the title, it says that Hye Jin and Changmin will turn from lovers to friends. Is that right?
Creativity/ Originality: 8/15
I like Changmin's character here. He seemed so mature and cool about everything. Other than making him a childish, food lover. However, there are also some cliché scenes which I would like to skip. Originality is not much but a little more effort should help you with it.
Flow: 6/10
In the middle. The flow was fast at the beginning but I think you managed it well.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 3/10
I am sorry and I don't mean to offend you, but I am really confused when I was reading it. You have many spelling errors, grammar mistakes and most important, the tenses. You should take care of the narrator, because at one point the POV was Hye Jin's POV, then it was a freestyle POV.. Example-
I go downstairs and join my appa and my oppa, Micky.
“ Yah! Eat Faster Hye Jin-ah” Micky said
“Oppa, my hands kinda lazy right now” with a cute voice from Hye Jin [Take note that here, you used Hye Jin's POV]
“Come let me feed you baby sis” Micky kindly said
Then I grabbed my bag and go to school. [Then here, you used your own POV] “See you later appa!”
“Yes Dear! Careful” appa smiled
“Hey! What about me?!”Shouts Micky
**Not just that, you should take care of your past and present tense too. Example-
Then I grabbed my bag and go to school. “See you later appa!” [You used past tense here for the 'grabbed']
“Hey! What about me?!”Shouts Micky [And here, it is present tense for 'shouts'. It should be 'shouted']
**You made this mistake a lot.
Characterization: 7/10
So far, it is okay but I still need to know more about the characters. I want to know about Hye Jin since I am expecting her to be the main character but I still can't get her full personality.
Writing style: 7/10
Because of the spelling mistakes, your writing is disturbed. Spacing should be taken care of and also punctuations.
Overall enjoyment: 4/5
Regardless of the hard-to-understand writing, I think it is pretty good. It would be better if you write it nicely.
Sub total: 51/100
Bonus: 2/5
Total: 53/100
Don't be degraded by the marks. I believe you can do better if you do practice. Don't give up, hwaiting!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Flashback. by ; cho h y e s u n !
Author : ; cho h y e s u n !
Title : Flashback.
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/_flashback/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 5/5
It may sound simple, but behind it, it is actually very meaningful. That’s why I like it. The other reason is because the story consists of different flashbacks, which is very enjoyable to read.
Poster/Background : -/10
N/A. It’ll be nicer to request one.
Forewords : 8/10
Very tempting indeed but it doesn’t really tell the story from the start. I know that you planned to start it on the 1st chapter, but a little bit of showing Hyesun’s ‘depression’ would be great.
Plot : 14/15
I don’t really give high marks to people especially in this section, so this should be something that can make you proud of your story. The plot is great, although I found it a little bit cliché of Hyesun to kill herself and died just like that. Still, it’s good. I like it because of the of the logical pattern with sequenced flashbacks and it helped to improve the plot a lot. Well done.
Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
Again, I praise you for your creativity. It makes your story really amusing to read and at the same time, letting your readers feel how Hyesun and Seungri was feeling. The part of killing herself is quite common. Girls go under pressure, boys betray them, they’re all quite common. If I were to push them aside, I’d say your fanfic is uber good.
Flow : 10/10
The flashbacks helped a lot. They tell us what happened in the past and at the same time, they don’t drag the story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
A few grammar mistakes and the wrong tenses. Surely can be revised and corrected. The rest is good and you can handle your language really well.
Characterization : 9/10
I would classify two things as ‘unelaborated’, the part WHY Seungri made love with that girl and betray Hyesun, and the part WHY did Hyesun feel ‘sick’? I want to know what happened between them. Plus, I think Hyesun should listen to what Seungri wanted to say. I feel like Seungri was being tortured over and over. *pats poor panda*
Writing style : 10/10
It is a little different, but really neat. : )
Overall enjoyment : 4/5
I love reading sad stories. This should be an advantage. :D But I did enjoy it ^^
Sub total : 81/90
I didn’t include the poster.
Bonus : 2/5
Total : 83/90 = 92%
Well done. :D
Title : Flashback.
Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/_flashback/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 5/5
It may sound simple, but behind it, it is actually very meaningful. That’s why I like it. The other reason is because the story consists of different flashbacks, which is very enjoyable to read.
Poster/Background : -/10
N/A. It’ll be nicer to request one.
Forewords : 8/10
Very tempting indeed but it doesn’t really tell the story from the start. I know that you planned to start it on the 1st chapter, but a little bit of showing Hyesun’s ‘depression’ would be great.
Plot : 14/15
I don’t really give high marks to people especially in this section, so this should be something that can make you proud of your story. The plot is great, although I found it a little bit cliché of Hyesun to kill herself and died just like that. Still, it’s good. I like it because of the of the logical pattern with sequenced flashbacks and it helped to improve the plot a lot. Well done.
Creativity/ Originality : 13/15
Again, I praise you for your creativity. It makes your story really amusing to read and at the same time, letting your readers feel how Hyesun and Seungri was feeling. The part of killing herself is quite common. Girls go under pressure, boys betray them, they’re all quite common. If I were to push them aside, I’d say your fanfic is uber good.
Flow : 10/10
The flashbacks helped a lot. They tell us what happened in the past and at the same time, they don’t drag the story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 8/10
A few grammar mistakes and the wrong tenses. Surely can be revised and corrected. The rest is good and you can handle your language really well.
Characterization : 9/10
I would classify two things as ‘unelaborated’, the part WHY Seungri made love with that girl and betray Hyesun, and the part WHY did Hyesun feel ‘sick’? I want to know what happened between them. Plus, I think Hyesun should listen to what Seungri wanted to say. I feel like Seungri was being tortured over and over. *pats poor panda*
Writing style : 10/10
It is a little different, but really neat. : )
Overall enjoyment : 4/5
I love reading sad stories. This should be an advantage. :D But I did enjoy it ^^
Sub total : 81/90
I didn’t include the poster.
Bonus : 2/5
Total : 83/90 = 92%
Well done. :D
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Love between rich & poor by HidayahF
Author : HidayahF
Title : Love between rich & poor
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/guilunff/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Note : Your preferred reviewer is not available for the time being. We hope you don’t mind to be reviewed by another reviewer.
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 3.5/5
I personally like the title, but it is quite common in winglin. Maybe you can put stronger words that have the same meaning of this. It’ll be better.
Poster/Background : 9/10
The poster and background is really cute. But you need to change the font for your title. It doesn’t fit perfectly into the poster. Overall, it is neat and nice.
Forewords : 4/10
I was disappointed of the forewords because I was expecting more than just a synopsis or characters’ profile. I would love to see more lively scene and so far, I couldn’t see it yet.
Plot : 11/15
The plot is 50-50 for me. It is quite interesting but also irritating of some sort. I like it when you put the part about Even’s mother and the news when she said that one of their daughters is not theirs. I am still anticipating to know about that. Also, the part for making Hebe evil, which is unexpected. [NO OFFENSE TO HEBE’S FANS] I like to see some evil characters, and you used Hebe as the evil one, and I like it. But take note that even though you kind of hate Hebe, please don’t go too harsh on her [I am not Hebe’s fan but I’m talking in a fair view now.] You will make your plot as if it is full of hatred instead of enjoyment.
Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
Not much for originality. The love between two different people is something I’ve read all over for almost every story. I know that the storyline is yours originally, but the scene of ‘hating’ and then ‘fall in love’ in the story is very, very common indeed. For creativity, I should give marks for the pranks that your characters did to Hebe although it was VERY CLICHÉ. I would like to see more of Genie, she’s like that because she was raped right? Well, try to tell more about her, or even tell how Even can help Genie to recover.
Flow : 4/10
Sorry. It was really draggy and fast. It was cliché too. It’s like having one thing happen after another. First, about Xiao Man asking help from Even and the next day, she’s working at Arron’s place back. That was fast. The chapters are too short, work more on this.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 4.5/10
There are a lot of spelling errors and lacking of vocabulary. Grammar and tenses mistakes are spotted often.
Example-
Even go to the grocery shop.After that,she walks home.
On the way~
Someone accidentally throw a tin at Even's head.
Even:Ouch!Hey!Are you blind or what!Stupid!
That guy stops driving and get out from his car.He turns around and go to Even.
Arron:Wei!Poor girl!I hate people calls me stupid!Maybe,you are the one who is blind!
Even:WEI!!!!!
Arron:I'm really lazy to entertain a poor girl like you!
Even:Eh I also didn't want to entertain a really rich guy like you,Mr.Arrogant!!!!
So she continue walking...
So as Arron,he drives home..
Even:What the arrogant guy!!!HE thinks that he's rich!So,he could do anything he wants!ARGH!!
Corrected-
Even walked home from the grocery shop. On her way, someone accidentally threw a tin on Even’s head (This way, it’ll be neater. You will have to put it in past tense and if you threw a tin, it’ll definitely land ON the head, not AT the head.)
Even: Ouch! Hey, are you blind or what? Stupid! (please give space. Don’t pack everything together.)
That guy stopped driving and got out of his car.
Arron : Wei! I dislike people calling me stupid! Maybe you’re the one who is blind! (Do not put ‘poor girl’ as Arron didn’t know who was Even. He had only seen her for the first time and didn’t know about her lifestyle, how can he know that she’s poor? Except if Even was wearing the bum clothing with ripped shirt.)
Even : Wei!
Arron : I’m not interested to entertain a girl like you!
Even : Neither do I, Mr. Arrogant!
She continued walking and Arron drove home.
Even : What an arrogant guy. He thinks that he can do what he wants just because he’s rich! Argh!
~
Also, you put “Dompet” which I don’t know what it is and I had to check the dictionary but it wasn’t in the dictionary either. I presume that this is your own language isn’t it? Or maybe your mother tongue language.
`
Characterization : 6/10
There were too many characters. Each and everyone of them appeared in all of a sudden before you can even introduce them. The characters are silly too. I was really surprised when Wang Zi said that Even is better than Hebe because at that time, they only met once. They didn’t even know each other and Wang Zi already concluded that Even is better than Hebe. It’s like judging people without fully knowing them.
Writing style : 6/10
It is easy to read because it is in play script. However, because you packed all of your words together, your writing style doesn’t come out that well.
Example-
~Phone Conversations~
Hebe:Hello Bubu?
Arron:Hello Bebe!!!
Hebe:Why did you call me?
Arron:Tonight,my mum makes a birthday party.Her birthday party...And she wants to invite you..Can you come here tonight?
Hebe:Sure,Bubu,,why not?
Arron:Ok then..
Hebe:Sorry Bubu,,I gotta go!Bye!
Arron:Bye Bebe!
-End of phone conversations-
Corrected-
-Phone conversation-
Hebe: Hello Bebu?
Arron: Hello!
Hebe: Why did you call me?
Arron: My mom is hosting a birthday party tonight. She wants me to invite you, are you free?
Hebe: Sure Bebu. Why not?
Arron: Okay then.
Hebe: Sorry Bebu. I have to go. Bye..
Arron: Bye.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
I kind of enjoyed it even though the words are hard to understand.
Sub total : 57/100
Bonus : 2/5
Total : 59/100
Work harder in your next attempt!
Title : Love between rich & poor
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/guilunff/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Note : Your preferred reviewer is not available for the time being. We hope you don’t mind to be reviewed by another reviewer.
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 3.5/5
I personally like the title, but it is quite common in winglin. Maybe you can put stronger words that have the same meaning of this. It’ll be better.
Poster/Background : 9/10
The poster and background is really cute. But you need to change the font for your title. It doesn’t fit perfectly into the poster. Overall, it is neat and nice.
Forewords : 4/10
I was disappointed of the forewords because I was expecting more than just a synopsis or characters’ profile. I would love to see more lively scene and so far, I couldn’t see it yet.
Plot : 11/15
The plot is 50-50 for me. It is quite interesting but also irritating of some sort. I like it when you put the part about Even’s mother and the news when she said that one of their daughters is not theirs. I am still anticipating to know about that. Also, the part for making Hebe evil, which is unexpected. [NO OFFENSE TO HEBE’S FANS] I like to see some evil characters, and you used Hebe as the evil one, and I like it. But take note that even though you kind of hate Hebe, please don’t go too harsh on her [I am not Hebe’s fan but I’m talking in a fair view now.] You will make your plot as if it is full of hatred instead of enjoyment.
Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
Not much for originality. The love between two different people is something I’ve read all over for almost every story. I know that the storyline is yours originally, but the scene of ‘hating’ and then ‘fall in love’ in the story is very, very common indeed. For creativity, I should give marks for the pranks that your characters did to Hebe although it was VERY CLICHÉ. I would like to see more of Genie, she’s like that because she was raped right? Well, try to tell more about her, or even tell how Even can help Genie to recover.
Flow : 4/10
Sorry. It was really draggy and fast. It was cliché too. It’s like having one thing happen after another. First, about Xiao Man asking help from Even and the next day, she’s working at Arron’s place back. That was fast. The chapters are too short, work more on this.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 4.5/10
There are a lot of spelling errors and lacking of vocabulary. Grammar and tenses mistakes are spotted often.
Example-
Even go to the grocery shop.After that,she walks home.
On the way~
Someone accidentally throw a tin at Even's head.
Even:Ouch!Hey!Are you blind or what!Stupid!
That guy stops driving and get out from his car.He turns around and go to Even.
Arron:Wei!Poor girl!I hate people calls me stupid!Maybe,you are the one who is blind!
Even:WEI!!!!!
Arron:I'm really lazy to entertain a poor girl like you!
Even:Eh I also didn't want to entertain a really rich guy like you,Mr.Arrogant!!!!
So she continue walking...
So as Arron,he drives home..
Even:What the arrogant guy!!!HE thinks that he's rich!So,he could do anything he wants!ARGH!!
Corrected-
Even walked home from the grocery shop. On her way, someone accidentally threw a tin on Even’s head (This way, it’ll be neater. You will have to put it in past tense and if you threw a tin, it’ll definitely land ON the head, not AT the head.)
Even: Ouch! Hey, are you blind or what? Stupid! (please give space. Don’t pack everything together.)
That guy stopped driving and got out of his car.
Arron : Wei! I dislike people calling me stupid! Maybe you’re the one who is blind! (Do not put ‘poor girl’ as Arron didn’t know who was Even. He had only seen her for the first time and didn’t know about her lifestyle, how can he know that she’s poor? Except if Even was wearing the bum clothing with ripped shirt.)
Even : Wei!
Arron : I’m not interested to entertain a girl like you!
Even : Neither do I, Mr. Arrogant!
She continued walking and Arron drove home.
Even : What an arrogant guy. He thinks that he can do what he wants just because he’s rich! Argh!
~
Also, you put “Dompet” which I don’t know what it is and I had to check the dictionary but it wasn’t in the dictionary either. I presume that this is your own language isn’t it? Or maybe your mother tongue language.
`
Characterization : 6/10
There were too many characters. Each and everyone of them appeared in all of a sudden before you can even introduce them. The characters are silly too. I was really surprised when Wang Zi said that Even is better than Hebe because at that time, they only met once. They didn’t even know each other and Wang Zi already concluded that Even is better than Hebe. It’s like judging people without fully knowing them.
Writing style : 6/10
It is easy to read because it is in play script. However, because you packed all of your words together, your writing style doesn’t come out that well.
Example-
~Phone Conversations~
Hebe:Hello Bubu?
Arron:Hello Bebe!!!
Hebe:Why did you call me?
Arron:Tonight,my mum makes a birthday party.Her birthday party...And she wants to invite you..Can you come here tonight?
Hebe:Sure,Bubu,,why not?
Arron:Ok then..
Hebe:Sorry Bubu,,I gotta go!Bye!
Arron:Bye Bebe!
-End of phone conversations-
Corrected-
-Phone conversation-
Hebe: Hello Bebu?
Arron: Hello!
Hebe: Why did you call me?
Arron: My mom is hosting a birthday party tonight. She wants me to invite you, are you free?
Hebe: Sure Bebu. Why not?
Arron: Okay then.
Hebe: Sorry Bebu. I have to go. Bye..
Arron: Bye.
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
I kind of enjoyed it even though the words are hard to understand.
Sub total : 57/100
Bonus : 2/5
Total : 59/100
Work harder in your next attempt!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
“..I had fallen for my enemy..” by Mariel D.
Author : Mariel D.
Title : “..I had fallen for my enemy..”
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Guilun15/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 2/5
It’s a total plain title. And there are mistakes too. If you put, “had fallen” it means that you’re no longer falling for this person because it had happened in the past. But seeing your story, it is still on going. In fact, they’ve just fallen in love. I don’t know which one is your title, “The lonelyness that had once faded just bcoz of you” or “I had fallen for my enemy”. Either way, the mark is still going to be the same. The current title is wrong, the spelling of lonelyness. It’s supposed to be “Loneliness”. Do not put abbreviations in titles, it doesn’t look good. The title “The lonelyness that had once faded just bcoz of you” is too long. Try making, “The loneliness that faded because of you.”
Poster/Background : 5/10
I wasn’t impressed as the poster is a little bit awkward and messy. I give you points because the poster was made by you and it’s your own artwork. I know that not everyone of us can edit nicely and have a good hand in Photoshop, but you can at least help by using a better quality picture of Arron. The blue strings (?) on the poster are disturbing too.
Forewords : 4/10
If you think that your foreword is long, then you’re wrong. It’s not long at all and you need to space it up. Please avoid abbreviations like ‘every yr’. It’s better to put ‘every year’. And at the bottom part, I don’t know whether those are quotes or poems, but they are really off-topic.
Plot : 10.5/15
The plot is not really that good, but still acceptable. You can make it better by creating more interesting happenings on each chapter. Your story is not yet ‘that’ far, that’s why it doesn’t bring much of your plot.
Creativity/ Originality : 10/15
Falling in love with an enemy is something I’ve seen everyday in fan fictions. It has already lost its originality. Try to build up your originality and creativity by changing some lines or adding twist and turns. You can even make this better if you have some creativity of you own. It’ll be much exciting to read.
Flow : 8/10
A little bit fast, but that’s okay.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 5/10
You should really check your spelling before posting. Try asking someone to revise your work to correct the mistakes you did. Grammar is a bit shattered and your vocabulary needs to be expanded. The wrong tenses make your work lost its meaning or even have another different meaning (which confuses people a lot). Try to work more on this. : )
Characterization : 7.5/10
So far, it’s good. But please explain more on the characters.
Writing style : 7.5/10
Somehow confusing because of your punctuations and all. Place full stops and commas at the right places and take note of the person’s POV.
Overall enjoyment : 2/5
This depends on each individual whether they like it or not. My opinion is in between. But what is more important is the trust your readers have given you. They love your story. Why ask for more? ^^
Sub total : 61.5/100
Bonus : 2/5
Don’t be disappointed of the mark. It is also a part of learning. You will do better in your next attempt. GOOD LUCK! :D
Total : 63.5/100
Title : “..I had fallen for my enemy..”
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Guilun15/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title : 2/5
It’s a total plain title. And there are mistakes too. If you put, “had fallen” it means that you’re no longer falling for this person because it had happened in the past. But seeing your story, it is still on going. In fact, they’ve just fallen in love. I don’t know which one is your title, “The lonelyness that had once faded just bcoz of you” or “I had fallen for my enemy”. Either way, the mark is still going to be the same. The current title is wrong, the spelling of lonelyness. It’s supposed to be “Loneliness”. Do not put abbreviations in titles, it doesn’t look good. The title “The lonelyness that had once faded just bcoz of you” is too long. Try making, “The loneliness that faded because of you.”
Poster/Background : 5/10
I wasn’t impressed as the poster is a little bit awkward and messy. I give you points because the poster was made by you and it’s your own artwork. I know that not everyone of us can edit nicely and have a good hand in Photoshop, but you can at least help by using a better quality picture of Arron. The blue strings (?) on the poster are disturbing too.
Forewords : 4/10
If you think that your foreword is long, then you’re wrong. It’s not long at all and you need to space it up. Please avoid abbreviations like ‘every yr’. It’s better to put ‘every year’. And at the bottom part, I don’t know whether those are quotes or poems, but they are really off-topic.
Plot : 10.5/15
The plot is not really that good, but still acceptable. You can make it better by creating more interesting happenings on each chapter. Your story is not yet ‘that’ far, that’s why it doesn’t bring much of your plot.
Creativity/ Originality : 10/15
Falling in love with an enemy is something I’ve seen everyday in fan fictions. It has already lost its originality. Try to build up your originality and creativity by changing some lines or adding twist and turns. You can even make this better if you have some creativity of you own. It’ll be much exciting to read.
Flow : 8/10
A little bit fast, but that’s okay.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 5/10
You should really check your spelling before posting. Try asking someone to revise your work to correct the mistakes you did. Grammar is a bit shattered and your vocabulary needs to be expanded. The wrong tenses make your work lost its meaning or even have another different meaning (which confuses people a lot). Try to work more on this. : )
Characterization : 7.5/10
So far, it’s good. But please explain more on the characters.
Writing style : 7.5/10
Somehow confusing because of your punctuations and all. Place full stops and commas at the right places and take note of the person’s POV.
Overall enjoyment : 2/5
This depends on each individual whether they like it or not. My opinion is in between. But what is more important is the trust your readers have given you. They love your story. Why ask for more? ^^
Sub total : 61.5/100
Bonus : 2/5
Don’t be disappointed of the mark. It is also a part of learning. You will do better in your next attempt. GOOD LUCK! :D
Total : 63.5/100
Beautiful Lies by Blue Bird
Author : Blue Bird
Title : Beautiful Lies
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/BlueBird/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 4/5
It’s pretty good although the words are simple. At least I’m not seeing much of these in winglin. The capitalized part is good and the title is neat.
Poster/Background : 8/10
The poster is very beautiful indeed although I suggest a better font for your story title in the poster. The background, which consists of collages of the poster is not suitable enough. I think it would be better to put something else than just patches of the poster on your background (I know that this is now your fault so I’m not deducting much marks in here). However, your chapters link came to my disappointment. I didn’t want to see it in blue since the poster and background are slightly reddish pink, and blue disturbs the whole appearance of it.
Forewords : 4/10
A bit short to call it a foreword. Put as much introduction/ summary of the story clearly and neatly. You should capitalized the ‘I’ when you use it to call yourself.
Example-
In a quick Moment i realized how much i really missed him.
Change to-
In a quick moment (the ‘M’ wasn’t supposed to be capitalized since it’s not a proper noun.) I realized how much I really missed him. (Remember, ‘I’ is referring to the narrator of the story, capitalization must be taken care of)
Plot : 12/15
Since I rarely read Japanese fan fictions, I won’t be able to judge about the plotting much. It’s confusing at some part because I had to remember their names and their pasts.
Creativity/ Originality : 11/15
Like I said before, I cannot judge much in this. In public view/common readers‘ view, I must say that the story is not as original cause I’ve seen and read this type of story regularly. The characters brought good twists to the story and I like the way you manage it. It’s really blissful to see the qualities of friendship you described here, it has its own meaning to it. Avoid superfluous part, it confused me a lot
Flow : 8/10
Draggy in some area, but you can easily improve that. There’s always room for improvement.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 5.5/10
You really need to take care of your grammar and punctual error. Capitalization, tenses and vocabulary. Check your spelling before posting them up because I detected a lot of spelling mistakes and misused of words.
Example, the “Allright” and “alright”.
In some places, I know that you actually meant ‘alright’ but you put ‘allright’ instead. Remember, these two have different meaning. Allright is supposed to be ‘All right’ [Everything is right.] while ‘alright’ means [fine].
You can start off by reading some good fan fictions in winglin and observe on how they play with their words. Check up huge words in the dictionary and try using some big words in your story, it will be much interesting.
Characterization : 7/10
You have a lot of characters here and I got head banged few times for trying to remember all of them. You need to decide on the main roles. You can’t put all of them as main characters right? Pick two or three as the main characters and the rest can be minors (But don’t put too much though).
Writing style : 6/10
Spacing is your weakness here. Your sentences are all packed and it’s really hard to read. Put space after someone’s talking. Trust me, it’ll be neater that way. ^^
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
I didn’t really enjoy it at first and I feel like skipping the whole chapter, but then again I forced myself to read and finally got the hook of the story. Towards the end, it became more interesting. So good job.
Sub total : 68.5/100
Bonus : 2/5
For the effort made.
Total : 70.5/100
Considering that this is your first time writing, you’re pretty good. I am very strict in giving marks and people who reached my list of 70% can be labeled as ‘a good story’. Well done for making your way in my list ^__^
Title : Beautiful Lies
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/BlueBird/
Status : On-going
Reviewer : Anna Sungmin @ RawrOutLoud
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticism. Thank you.
Title : 4/5
It’s pretty good although the words are simple. At least I’m not seeing much of these in winglin. The capitalized part is good and the title is neat.
Poster/Background : 8/10
The poster is very beautiful indeed although I suggest a better font for your story title in the poster. The background, which consists of collages of the poster is not suitable enough. I think it would be better to put something else than just patches of the poster on your background (I know that this is now your fault so I’m not deducting much marks in here). However, your chapters link came to my disappointment. I didn’t want to see it in blue since the poster and background are slightly reddish pink, and blue disturbs the whole appearance of it.
Forewords : 4/10
A bit short to call it a foreword. Put as much introduction/ summary of the story clearly and neatly. You should capitalized the ‘I’ when you use it to call yourself.
Example-
In a quick Moment i realized how much i really missed him.
Change to-
In a quick moment (the ‘M’ wasn’t supposed to be capitalized since it’s not a proper noun.) I realized how much I really missed him. (Remember, ‘I’ is referring to the narrator of the story, capitalization must be taken care of)
Plot : 12/15
Since I rarely read Japanese fan fictions, I won’t be able to judge about the plotting much. It’s confusing at some part because I had to remember their names and their pasts.
Creativity/ Originality : 11/15
Like I said before, I cannot judge much in this. In public view/common readers‘ view, I must say that the story is not as original cause I’ve seen and read this type of story regularly. The characters brought good twists to the story and I like the way you manage it. It’s really blissful to see the qualities of friendship you described here, it has its own meaning to it. Avoid superfluous part, it confused me a lot
Flow : 8/10
Draggy in some area, but you can easily improve that. There’s always room for improvement.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 5.5/10
You really need to take care of your grammar and punctual error. Capitalization, tenses and vocabulary. Check your spelling before posting them up because I detected a lot of spelling mistakes and misused of words.
Example, the “Allright” and “alright”.
In some places, I know that you actually meant ‘alright’ but you put ‘allright’ instead. Remember, these two have different meaning. Allright is supposed to be ‘All right’ [Everything is right.] while ‘alright’ means [fine].
You can start off by reading some good fan fictions in winglin and observe on how they play with their words. Check up huge words in the dictionary and try using some big words in your story, it will be much interesting.
Characterization : 7/10
You have a lot of characters here and I got head banged few times for trying to remember all of them. You need to decide on the main roles. You can’t put all of them as main characters right? Pick two or three as the main characters and the rest can be minors (But don’t put too much though).
Writing style : 6/10
Spacing is your weakness here. Your sentences are all packed and it’s really hard to read. Put space after someone’s talking. Trust me, it’ll be neater that way. ^^
Overall enjoyment : 3/5
I didn’t really enjoy it at first and I feel like skipping the whole chapter, but then again I forced myself to read and finally got the hook of the story. Towards the end, it became more interesting. So good job.
Sub total : 68.5/100
Bonus : 2/5
For the effort made.
Total : 70.5/100
Considering that this is your first time writing, you’re pretty good. I am very strict in giving marks and people who reached my list of 70% can be labeled as ‘a good story’. Well done for making your way in my list ^__^
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