Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Trust The Little Bird/Trust by ava_lava

Title: Trust The Little Bird/Trust
Author: ava_lava
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/ava_lava2/
Reviewer: LaurenLCD @ i-DEAS
http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/


Title: 4.5/5
The title (Trust The Little Bird) isn't cliche. It has relevance to your story without giving the plot away like so many stories on winglin and else where. However, the poster is written as simply "Trust" and may be seen as too ambiguous or too plain to catch an audience' attention.

First Impression: 10/10
The poster is nicely done and isn't too flashy. The background combined with the font color is easy to read. As far as your writing goes, I can tell that you worked hard and maybe even edited and proof read (though some mistakes slipped through the cracks).

Forewords: 7.5/10
You gave all the required information without bogging down the reader with unnecessary comments and even gave a glimpse of your writing style with a preview. However, I felt you should have gave some background information on the characters.

Plot: 15/15
It was rather unique, especially since it was based on a true story. While star struck student meets teacher plots aren't new, this is refreshing, particularly since the teacher is married to someone that the student can't find within themselves to hate.

Creativity/Originality: 13/15
It's based on real events, so in a way it wasn't truly original, but it was definitely creative of you to fill in the blanks with little things such as the hermit crab story, the analogy of the small birds versus the big birds, etc.

Flow: 10/10
Nothing felt rushed, and nothing felt like filler to merely give a reason to say 'hai gaiz! nu update! kekeke.' Each chapter felt like it had a reason to be there and maintained a steady pace.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
You clearly have a broad vocabulary. I could tell you knew the meaning of what you were writing and wasn't just raping the thesaurus for words that you thought would seem "smart." However, there are some mistakes that were a bit careless and could have been corrected with better proof reading and editing.

Spotting the “RECEPTIONIST” sign on the other side of the chamber, I pulled my luggage along the marble floor and smiled politely at the receptionist lady.

The elevator door opened with a DING and I walked through it, eyes surveying the scene to find Room 307.

I wasn’t legible for ANYTHING until I was eighteen, apparently.

*Note: 'legible' should be eligible. There are more typos (either in spelling or context) throughout (though this is few and far between).

He was on the jury of ALL of the major piano competitions, and conducts almost EVERY single orchestra as a guest every year.

When I realized that I was the ONLY one clapping, however, my face flushed and I heard Professor Jung chuckle lightly.

*Note: It is incorrect grammar to write in all caps at any time.


1. Find out where the practice rooms are. Need I say more?
2. Start looking for a job. I only have fifty dollars at the moment.
3. Become acquainted with the school. I must be able to know the place inside-out.
4. Find out where the cafeteria is. I will be able to get my food free if I bring my student card along..

*Note: Write out the actual words one, two, three etc.

I sat in front of the piano and quickly decided on my most recent encore piece (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwc-nmyPm4I). Like Changmin, I was a fast player, but I also had technique and a large tone.

*Note: This last sentence is just one of many examples: Never insert links, Author's Notes, etc. in the middle of writing. Either separate the links as another paragraph with •OST: URL• or put them only as an author's note before the chapter begins. Author's notes should be reserved for only the end or before the beginning of a chapter. When inserted during the writing, this makes the writing appear choppy, and is distracting. Better yet, try to actually put into words the sounds of the music by using adjectives, metaphors, similes etc. If you choose not to insert links, then give the name of the song as you give description.


Characterization: 9/10
Since this was all written in first person, I didn't expect a lot of development beyond Jaejoong since we saw everything through his point of view. However, there was depth and dimension with Yunho and I could actually picture him in my mind's eye. There could have been more development between YooSu, Changmin, etc. It felt like the minor characters were only glanced through.

Writing Style: 8/10
You could have used more description of nouns and set atmosphere throughout the chapters. This is just a bit of nit picking.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
I had a couple of weeks to read it and finished it within a couple of days (though I could have finished it all in one) The ending was certainly ambiguous with the slight cliff hanger, but then, the relationship between the characters were ambiguous.

Sub Total: 89/100
Bonus: 5/5
Because as your webmistress, I like to be an encouragement. Plus, I miss DBSK as a whole (though, I'm not the type of DBSK fan that will bawl my eyes out crying 'JYJ go back to HoMin!' In a way, I pretty much prepared myself for it. I just wish that they'd either gave us closure with a final concert, or I don't know -something!). I do feel that this is incorrectly labeled however. Yaoi refers to stories with actual sexual situations. Since this didn't have any sex, it should be labeled as Shonen-Ai as to not confuse readers.

Total: 94/100

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Setbacks Of A Winglin Author by nom d'écran .

Title: Setbacks Of A Winglin Author
Author: nom d'écran .
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/HEEZYOO6/
Reviewer by: LaurenLCD @ i-DEAS
http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/


Title: 3/5
The average reader on winglin isn't interested in commentary, unfortunately. Those who see winglin as a site with flaws and wants those flaws to be seen for what they are will be interested, however.

First Impression: 5/10
Because there was no forewords, I got the impression that you were/are a lazy writer. Maybe you don't write like this on your other forewords, but on this one, you didn't even try.

Forewords: 0/10
As stated before: You didn't even try. Forewords are a glimpse into the author's writing style before the actual writing takes place. If I hadn't skipped and gone straight to the one-shot, I would have clicked the Main Index button without a second glance because the foreword gives me my first impression of the kind of writer you are. For future stories I recommend the following format:

[Title]
[Author]
[Rating]
[Length/Chapters]
[Characters]
[summary]
[Warning]
[Disclaimer]
[Credits]

***

Character Bios:
*A few sentences each for each major character*

***

Author's Note:
*optional*

Plot: N/A/15
This one-shot wasn't about a particualar event or series of events. It was basically commentary.

Creativity/Originality: 13/15
You're not the first, and I doubt you'll be the last to write a commentary/rant about winglin. However, I've seen authors who rant about topics such as this with a bit more creativity and humor. Although, since it is a serious topic, I didn't expect to be in stitches.

Flow: 9/10
A few transitional sentences seemed a bit out of place, but for the most part, it was organized.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
You have a good vocabulary and I certainly hoped it expanded since October 2009. However, a few of your sentences are fragments. Some sentences are wordy or lack the correct punctuation.

Fragments:

1. The apply stories.

2. Genuineness.

Wordiness/Punctuation placement/etc.:

1. It all started out when one night, I snooped around my cousin's laptop and found a site I had no interest in whatsoever.
This could be changed to: It all started one night[.] I snooped around [on] my cousin's laptop, finding a site I had no interest in, whatsoever.

2. Back in 2004 when winglin was amicable[,] (Of course, not that it isn't [any]more; but every now and then, a scoundrel would come into view and revile innocent word slingers) I remember it as a site where no one cared for the cover of the book.

3. But these days, oh these days .. Boy have everyone CHANGED their view on stories.
This could be changed to: But these days... Boy, [has] everyone [changed] their view on stories.
*note: even though winglin doesn't have an italics feature and you meant to capitalize the word for emphasis, it's still incorrect grammar.

4. Because once in a blue moon in that sentence actually means every day.
This could be changed to: 'Once in a blue moon' actually means every day.

5. Poor choice of words and lack of common sense, I'm sure that at one point (if, that is, you're an author who makes apply stories) you've felt as if this person copied ['this'] from you, or that person copied ['that'] from you. I'd be a total hypocrite if I said I have never been inspired by someone else. [But,] what I don't get is why you would demand originality when for the most part, originality is dead.


Characterisation: N/A/10

Writing Style: 9/10
You were clear and didn't ramble off topic.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
For the most part, everything you've written regarding this topic is on point. I have seen such actions of the sort many times. If I may jump on the bandwagon...

Have you ever had your personality copied?
- Not to my knowledge, and even if I have, I don't care.

Have you ever been accused of copying someone else's story / plot?
- No. However, I can admit to being inspired by a story and using elements of said story. Who hasn't? Originality is dead and in an age where everything (clothes, movies, music) is remade and trends make comebacks, it's difficult to be original unless you've lived your whole life under a rock.

Have you ever had your application jocked?
- I don't make apply fics. Even if I did, there is no set rule to who can have what on their application form. If someone 'jocked' my application, I wouldn't bat an eyelash.

Have you ever been told that you don't have any writing skill?
- No. I personally think I can do better, but I'm my own worst critic.

Have you ever been bad mouthed by others?
- No, but I have friends on winglin who have. In some cases, this caused them to leave for a while (if not altogether).

Have you ever felt the need to turn your story into an apply story all because you know it's the fastest way to get comments?
- No. Comments are encouraging, but they shouldn't be the sole purpose of writing. If I wanted someone to gush over my writing on a constant basis, I have family and friends to do that without posting anything online.


Sub Total: 55/100

Bonus: 10/5
Because you said what really does need to be said.

Total: 67/100

If I didn't have to factor in the Plot and Characterization, your score would have been higher. Because I had to, you lost 25 points in addition to the forewords totalling 35 points. If you ignore the 25 points, you have 67/75, which is pretty good, but needs a bit improvement.

Forever and Always by iMortal

Title: Forever and Always
Author: iMortal
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/iMortal_OS01/
Reviewed by: Andi @i-DEAS
*NOTE: This review took longer than expected because reviewers from the website resigned or went on hiatus and left no notice of which reviews they had completed. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.


Title: 3/5
Eh. You could be a little more creative with the title, though it does tie in with the story. At first glance, I wouldn’t read it while browsing.

First Impression: 6/10
Oh, as ever, dear. I’m not sure if it looks different on your computer or what…but never, NEVER use a light font when using a light background. I almost didn’t want to read this because it hurt my eyes and I had to strain them to look before I gave up and copied it into Word. It’s very hard to read, and it puts off a reader from continuing on because if they can’t read it, then they’ll just close your story. And your poster should be more appealing to the eye; a long figure and a title does nothing. He even looks sad, which I’m sure is not the mood of your story.

Forewords: 8/10
Because it’s a oneshot, you can’t really say much without giving away the plot. A little bit more info on the characters would have been appreciated. I liked the sneak peek you gave as well as the genre and all the disclaimers and copyrights. I need to do that for my own stories…=_=”

Plot: 12/15
Boyfriend and girlfriend together, and a friend who likes one of them as more than a friend. You see it a lot in oneshots. It was simple, though. Not too complex where an entire backstory had to be given. Thumbs up on that.

Creativity/Originality: 11/15
Like I said above, you see it a lot. The necklace thing was cute, I’ll admit that. And pretty, too. ^^

Flow: 10/10
Flowed perfectly. Nothing wrong here.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
If you’re unsure on a lot of mechanical things such as grammar, antecedents, verb-noun agreement, etc. I’d be happy to offer you a scan of common mechanical errors and how to fix them. Hmm, I should start offering people this.

First line: The moment he sat on my table, I knew he was up to something.
It should be: The moment he sat at my table, I knew he was up to something.
(He was not sitting on the actual table, was he?)

When you finish a quote, be sure some sort of punctuation ends it. Ex: “Hyung.” Not “Hyung.”

Characterization: 8/10
These were plain characters. Nothing remotely exciting about them, save for Jonghyun who was her persistently annoying secret admirer. I would call them “static.” Make your characters a little more likable, so the audience can relate to them. Make them “dynamic.”

Writing Style: 9/10
Thank God! You separate your paragraphs. I can’t stand writers who clash everything together to make it shorter. It looks messy and disgusting. This was an easy flow.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
It would have been ten times easier to enjoy if you had picked out a different font. I liked it though. Work on choosing better colors and setting the mood, and you can be an amazing writer!

Sub Total: 77/100

Bonus: 2/5
Your penname. I love it!

Total: 79/100

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Love Songs by bluemonkiesx

Author's Name: bluemonkiesx
Story Title: Love Songs
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/gdyblovesongs/
Status: Complete
Reviewer: Rox @ i-DEAS

Title: 4/5
It is rather a cliché-ish title but I love the quote/summary: All love songs are based on real life experiences. A very true quote indeed.

First Impression: 6/10
I do recommend when writing Yaoi that you write in 3rd person’s POV. One main reason is that it is a bit hard to imagine the reader reading as a boy.

Forewords: 7/10
I think you should have put a teaser/preview or a synopsis/ summary about what the fan fiction was about to give readers a bit of what to expect.

Plot: 12/15
I liked the plot especially when GD and Taeyang had an argument causing them to not talk to each other. It created this mystery of: Are they going to be with each other again? Or if the marriage is really over. It really made me keep reading on and pushing the ‘Next’ button.

Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Creativity was good, not that all cliché-ish.

Flow: 5/10
I would say your flash backs are confusing. What sucks about Winglin is that you can’t italicize. But I would do ***FLASHBACK*** or …….FLASHBACK……. I mean you don’t have to caps it but I would say: Don’t put [Flashback] next to the text. Also, not a whole lot of people know this but you keep shifting to 2nd POV to 3rd POV.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Chapter 1:

“Why would I joke about something like marriage? You know I’m the [hopeless] romantic, you should have believed me,” he laughs. “Now, will you answer my question?” You pause and take a deep breath, “Will you marry me, Kwon Jiyong?”

Chapter 5:
The heat coming from his body and it feels [so so so] satisfying and you wonder why you didn't do this before and you realize that you want more of his heat, need more. And so you quickly discard the remainder of your clothing along with his, and relish in the closeness and perfection that is Kwon Jiyong.

Youngbaeah, I l-love you," he moans and his voice hitches a little at the exact moment that your hand wraps [wraps] itself around his length, stroking him, teasing him, pleasing him beyond measure.

Overall, your grammar is pretty good. A lot of Compound-Complex Sentences which is pretty good but I think you can also use semicolons in some of your sentences. That’s really an option. You also had a lot of typos but not really a huge thing to worry about. I would say be careful that you don’t really repeat a lot of words. The ‘so so so’ could be subsidized as other words like ‘extremely’ or ‘very’

Characterizations: 8/10
I like how you kept it simple and straightforward instead of complicating the character’s characteristics.

Writing Style: 8/10
You have great writing style, its unique because your writing style is used for 3rd Person POV. I would say you don’t have to keep your sentences too long. You can always break them.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

Sub Total: 64.5/100

Bonus: 4/5:
Your writing skills are good. Other than having trouble with you sentence structure, your choice of words is great. You had a great vocabulary. And that it’s hard to write Yaoi. I give a lot of credit to authors who write Yaoi because the majority of fanfics aren’t Yaoi.

Total: 76/100