Saturday, March 20, 2010

Living with the Dead by icecreamiie

Title: Living with the Dead
Author: icecreamiie
Reviewer: Andi @ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/




This is quite unlike anything I’ve reviewed before. Most things I review are fan fiction and stories. But this is an English assignment. This is something I have to view differently than all the other reviews I’ve done. You won’t exactly earn a grade from me since this isn’t a normal review, but I’ll do the best I can and hopefully my advice will help you in the long run. It may be more helpful to seek a beta-reader than a reviewer, though. 

Have you ever...
Felt like your living in a world where you don’t quite belong
?
Felt as though others do not understand you
?
F
elt as though your presence is shadowed by minorities in life?
Have you ever had this feeling
,
The heart-wrenching feeling where no one takes you serious?
Life can be cruel.
It’s like living with the dead.


The stage where you step between teenage life and adulthood was suppose to be a nice time; the time when you’re enjoying both your last moments of childhood and experiencing your first few moments of freedom. But for a girl named Ivy, her stage took a completely different route; her pathway wasn’t as easy as she thought it would be.

Ivy grew up being an only child; a girl that liked to be by herself and always isolated herself from her peers. She had always played with her own toys, always sat by herself in class and had rarely talked to anyone except for answering the teachers questions. At home, she locked herself in her room, and only came out when it was dinner time or for toilet breaks. Her peers knew of this behavior of hers, and avoided her at all cost because of the anti-social aura she emitted from herself. This didn’t help with her self-esteem, as it only encouraged her to isolate herself from the social world even more. 


Her anti-social behavior only grew worse, to the point of depression.


At the age of 17, Ivy became known as the anti-social queen of her high school: a person that was not only avoided at all cost by everyone, but was the center of attention when it came to bullying. Her classmates ignored her when she finally tried to participate in group activities; her teachers would put her at the back of the room and treat her presence as merely a shadow in the back corner. Though she tried really hard to fit in at high school, no one ever gave her a second chance to express herself; no one even acknowledged her presence in the world. 


At home, her time was spent crying. She was sad that no one let her join in their groups and activities; she was sad that no one ever considered talking to her. She regretted her past actions during her childhood, where she was so anti-social that she played with no one and made no friends. She regretted not talking to others when she was small, because no one even dared speaking to her now. Her past actions weren’t deliberate to isolate herself from everyone; it was only caused by her being an only child and having no experience in being around others. Now, tears were her comforting friends—tears that expressed all her sadness and sorrow, tears that were kept inside her for too long.


Her last year of high school was by far the worse year of her life so far. It was then that her depression reached its peak. People in her year were preparing for their studies and exams; they were busy cramming as much as possible for university entrance exams; and they were trying to fit in as much personal life as possible, for it was their last year at school. Unlike others in her year, Ivy just pushed herself further and further away from all activities at school. Knowing that her efforts to make friends were futile, she ignored all her peers’ comments about her, ignored the comments from her teacher at school, and tried to study alone for her coming exams.


Life was cruel for Ivy. While she tried to take no notice of everyone at school, the heart-wrenching pain of being ignored by everyone was excruciating for her. Left out of activities involving the seniors, she had to bear all the pain of watching everyone prepare for fun while she was lonely and by herself


Her life was no different at home. With her parents working all the time, Ivy spent most of her time in her room weeping by herself. She always went into a small corner of her room, pulled her legs high against her chest, and wrapped her arms tightly around her legs to keep her warmto protect her from all of the coldness and cruelty of life. She buried her face into her legs and wept in silence, the tears dropping effortlessly down her pale face. Her tears fell like a pouring tappouring out all of her pain, streaming down without knowing when to stop.

Her heart clenched in pain as the images of her peers mocking her
flew through her mind: images of people desperately trying to avoid her and laughing at her behind her back. As she remembered these painful images, her tears fell down faster; her arms tightened even harder around her legs. She wanted to block out all the people around her, all the spiteful things in the world. It was unbearable for her. 


It pained her to know that she was living in a world where she didn’t belong; her heart ached when no one understood her and her feelings; and it killed her to know that her presence was shadowed by minorities in life. No one ever took her seriously. Life WAS cruel. Her world was like living with the dead: a world where days would pass but no one would acknowledge her presence; a world where everyone acted as though they were soullesslifelessaround her. 


__________


The hot scorching summer left as the cool autumn breeze took its place. The autumn trees painted the ground with gold and orange leaves, giving the sign that winter was on its way. As the cold winter times swept by, it welcomed in the warm spring time where everything could start anew. And as the spring flower burst into full color, it awaited the hot summer breeze to come by againthe time when senior students were ready to graduate and leave school. Ivy’s last year of high school passed by as fast as the seasons changed, but Ivy still suffered through the same ordeal every single day. During her graduation ceremony, she sat quietly through all the speeches from her peers, and quietly got up to receive her diploma and walked away from the ceremony once it ended. 


She wanted to walk away from all the misery that took place in her old high school. She wanted to leave behind all the painful memories she had to deal with in her high school. Once she stepped foot outside the barriers of her high school, she vowed to never look back. She was walking away from her painful past; she wanted to start anew with the years to come.


The End




This was a very well-written story. I was very impressed with the grammar, the vocabulary, and the colorful imagery you provided about a very lonely girl. There were a few mistakes—nothing too big. Watch your tenses; there were times where you’d slip from the past tense to the present tense. Also, there were a few words written in an older style (ex: colour, behaviour, etc.). I’m not sure if your teacher wants that or not, but there is no need to be so formal.
There were some unneeded words here and there, and I slashed through them to show that the sentence would be okay without them.
Your punctuation is spot-on (no pun intended). I’m relieved that you know what the heck a semicolon is, and how it can replace a period more or less. Use colons and dashes to make your writing neater. Believe me, it flows smoother. I also highlighted some words that work better with the sentence.
It’s ultimately up to you whether or not you take my advice. As for a grade, I think this piece gets you an A. Not an A-, because it’s better, and not an A+ because there were a few mistakes here and there. I know you can perfect this. Hope everything goes good for your English class, and please request from i-DEAS again!


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