Title: I Love My Family
Author: Midniite, TehPockii, and ItzzJasmine
Reviewer: Pararae @ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/
Title: 2/5 the title is not that interesting because it could use a little spark in it to make it more eye-catchy. But I do feel that the title fit the plot since its rounder on all basis family issue. You just need to be more creative and manipulative in simple sentence. For example, you’re writing about family, why would you say you love your family as the title when you have thousands of other titles to choose from? Why not make the story more mysterious or twisted? Just because it centers on family, it does not mean it cannot have some mystery in it. So be creative and be more open in choosing your title.
First Impression: -/10 Well, since there’s no background or poster in it, I’ll just skip this part out.
Forewords: 7/10 the forewords are not too fancy and not too simple which is good, but I think you need to reformat the character descriptions because it kind of off spot there. I know you have a lot of characters which I think you shouldn’t put too much because you might have some problem with the characteristics, but character descriptions are always a spoiler. I mean the sole reason why you read a story because you want to know more about it and that including characters, plots, and languages. So by putting character description does really ruin the mood, especially when there are too many of it. You might want to hide a few information for the surprise, so watch out on that.
Plot: 8/15 Well, I don’t see where the story is going. I was thinking there would be a conflict or two that make the family learn something out of something, but it turns out to be a story that diverging in different pathway. Your story has no destination and it needs that essence. Story is all about converging everything or everyone in it toward the critical climax, but I only can see a flat journey of a family who has so much humor and happiness. So try to build that part out. Writing a story is not about putting words into paragraph, but putting your imagination and everyone else’s to create a huge new dimension where you are the creator.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15 I’ve seen this kind of story before but yours is quite different though. I mean, you have the edge of originality, but there are a few point where the story appear very common and I think those common overrule the original part, but still, I have to credit your for what you’ve done. You did a great job in making their humor in the most fun way, I got to admit, I did laugh and your jokes are not old either, so keep it up. ^^ But I like you to adjust the family activities though. It needs more, different approaches. But you still impress me with your creativity on the type of humor, it always hit the spot.
Flow: 7/10 the flow is not too fast and not too slow, which is good. But I do think the progress from one scene to the next need to take a baby step first because you’re going too fast sometimes. Whenever I think you need to elaborate more and give more space between this scene to the next, you fasten the pace and whenever I don’t think you need to elaborate much, you elaborate it well enough to make me curious of what’s the outcome of the story. So in overall, I think your flow is good, just need a little improvement, that’s all.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10 I rarely spot any spelling mistake in your story but I think you need to work on the sentence because I see a lot of hanging sentence, unfinished clauses and exaggerating verbs. So try to re-edit your sentences and I think you have misused a few proverbs and adjectives in your sentence to describe the scene so try to correct that too. In this kind of case, I won’t ask you to revise your chapter for grammar or spelling, but I hope you can re-read your story again after a few days when you forget about the scene because that way, you can actually spot the disturbing sentences much better.
Characterization: 6/10 since you lose a lot of characters, I did not put my grading up too high for this part because I know you might miss a few characters and over-describe a few characters. But I think you did a good job in describing the characters in overall because I don’t even think I can afford to do that if I ever write the story. But you need to use elaboration more instead of dialogues because dialogue could ruin the story details. Elaboration is as important as dialogues so pay more attention to it sometimes. Also, try to use less character next time, just so to save your luck.
Writing Style: 6/10 well, I’m not too fond of your writing style but it could be accepted though. It’s not so bad, but not that I can call it very good too. You need to construct your sentence properly and please coordinate the scene according to the correct time line because it seems that sometimes the scenes that you wrote does not even connect each other, creating a very random and jumpy scene. You need to slow down on your writing and take the flow correctly. I know this does not make sense why it’s in writing style section, not in flow or plot, it’s because writing style influence the scene. If your writing style is jumpy and doesn’t link from one part to another, the flow and plot to use eventually will mix up too so try to improve your writing. Also, try to use a wide range of vocabulary to enhance your writing proficiency. Vocabulary can help you up with language so the higher the capacity of manipulating language, the better your language is. (Sound like my chemistry hypothesis XD)
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
Sub Total: 51/90
Bonus: 4/5 I give you 4 bonuses because…
1. You have a good sense of humour.
2. I enjoy your story
3. Because you have the potential to improve
4. Because I’m late in doing this review, so my apology. ^^
Total: 61.1/100 (without first impression.)
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