6 Words That Hurt by Asian_Innocence

Title: 6 Words That Hurt
Author: Asian_Innocence
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/wtsc/chapter_3.shtml
Reviewed by: ShadowYin @ i-DEAS



Title: 5/5 - Original, creative and the fact that you used numbers seemed really different from other titles. Most importantly, it was related.



First Impression: 7/10 - I love the poster so much! It’s beautiful. However, the font was difficult to read? Like 'The' I thought it was an 'I' instead of 'T'. It's beautiful, but I personally think it can still be improved :) Also, would’ve been nice to see Jonghoon in the poster too, because if I entered your fanfic, I would’ve just thought you wrote DBSK one-shots.



Forewords: 10/10 – Don’t really see anything I can pick on in your forewords. It’s good.



Plot: 13/15 – At first, I thought it was cliché but in the end, it had a really nice twist. Two marks taken off because I would’ve loved to read the emotions MiRoo had after reading those six words. Other than that, the plot was amazing.



Creativity/Originality: 12/15 - Slightly cliché. I mean, dating, break up in the rain, car crash. These have all been used before. But I’ll give you credit for the descriptions you provided, and there were certain aspects of the writing which really seemed original despite of the scenario used.



Flow: 7/10 – Personally, I think you spent too much time setting up the scene, and you didn’t go into that much depth when it was the actual break up. Since I do believe that is a crucial part of the story, I think the flow would’ve been better if you explored more into the feelings as well as the actions of your characters. I understand the beginning was for a build up of tension, but it wasn’t as interesting to read. Instead, I kept thinking how cliché your story was until the end which really surprised me.



Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10



You wrote:

Something… something has been troubling me lately (There’s no need for a gap between the ‘…’ and your next word.)



You wrote:

…and I gave his hand I light squeeze (Should be: I gave his hand A light squeeze)



You wrote:

…and allowed him take my hand. (Should be: allowed him TO take my hand)



You wrote:

…he asks quietly and with confusion, trying to catch my eye. (I believe ‘and’ isn’t necessary in this sentence.)



You wrote:

…position or go to her purse (I think you meant ‘to go’.)



Spelling errors (what you wrote – what I think you wanted to write)

Cleares – clears

Yeh - yeah

Revere - reverie

Burry – bury

Slipper road – slippery road



I know it’s difficult, but you seemed to use the word ‘face’ a lot. Try use a different way to write about the face? I was curious so I checked how many times you used that word. And in one short piece of writing, you managed to use that word eight times. Please try to vary your vocabulary before it gets too repetitive.



Also, I believe there might have been a few punctuation errors, but since I’m uncertain, I didn’t take points off it.



Characterisation: 7/10 – Didn’t really get to see much of Jonghoon. The mum’s reaction when MiRoo woke up wasn’t really realistic. I kept asking, ‘would she really be that calm when her daughter had just survived after a car accident?’ I think better descriptions of those characters would’ve been better.



Writing Style: 8/10 - I loved the way you started your fiction off with a rhetorical question as it makes it a fantastic opening! However,



You wrote:

“Seongsengnim! I’m delicate~” (I would’ve preferred it if you wrote how he delivered the line instead on using ‘~’)



Some of your descriptions were superb! There was some great use of short sentences which really had a brilliant effect.



Overall Enjoyment: 4/5 – a very meaningful fanfic. I really enjoyed it.



Sub Total: 80/100



Bonus: 3/5

- Love the title

- Good quality of writing

- I enjoyed it



Total: 83/100