Figment by th1rd3ye

Author : th1rd3ye
Title : Figment
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_tm_Figment/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : Yunni @ i-DEAS

Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.


Title: 5/5
I have to hand it to you for the title- I was wondering what it had to do with your fic at first, but as I read, I really liked the way it was going. Your title had a hook in for the reader, and although it was never mentioned inside the story, one can clearly understand why it was named like this.

First Impression: 7.5/10
Dark and wonderfully angsty. I didn't have to read it to know it was angst =p I like the colors (probably because my favorite color is black - -'), and it made a good impression. However, the color contrast with the girl's picture (the dark/light) kind of put it out of perspective for me.

Forewords: 9/10
I really like the way you wrote your forewords- they were complete, gave the details of the story, credited the designer, included a summary and your notes. It was also a treat because it was organized. However, what really stuck out to me was the way you wrote your summary; it was short, but filling. You also gave sneak peeks for each chapter, which I thought was a really good idea.
Somehow, I feel like something is missing from your forewords, though I can't point out what.

Plot: 12/15
I loved your plot. Period. That's it; that's all there is to it. I loved your plot. Although I personally don't like noona-dongsaeng relationships, the plot was very, very beautiful. It's not original in the sense that it hasn't been done before, but your style makes it very fresh, as if no one's ever wrote it before. The ending confused me a bit- where TaeMin "jumps" off the balcony, but it made perfect sense afterward, and when the entire episode was explained, I found myself with my mouth open. It was an incredible ending. Well done.

Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Like I said before, I loved your ending. I really did; I think it was the most refreshing I've read in a while. Beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time when the truth just hits you on the head.

Flow: 9/10
I think that part that really got to me was when TaeMin suddenly walked off of the balcony. That was confusing and somewhat paused the flow of the story, but other than that, good job on the flow, because the entire story focused on the progression of TaeMin and her relationship.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5.5/10
Let me start by saying that I am extremely nitpicky in this section, no joke. I will explain why you received the mark you did in the following examples.
Don't get me wrong, you have good grammar. However, it's just those small mistakes that are catching and bothering me as I read the fic, and I get very agitated when I see them (even in my own works), so please bear with me.
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Eventually, he manages to sneak a peck on my cheeks

Contradictory. How does he sneak one peck on your cheeks, cheeks being plural?
=
His concern for me was written in his face.

The problem here is with the 'in'. How can something be written in someone's face? The proper word would be 'on'- His concertn for me was written on his face.
=
“Tae Min loves Noona.” Tae Min confessed to me in front of the camera.
“And Noona loves Tae Min.”

Okay, first things first. When naming something (or someone), their name is capitalized. However, if you are using a simple noun in place of someone's name, it is not capitalized. For example, you wouldn't say, "My Sister." You'd say, "My sister." Same case when the 'noona' in here.
Secondly, the period before TaeMin confessed. There should be a comma there in place of the period because he's in the middle of doing something.
=
“Wasn’t I sly?” - You may think this way.

This was the part that jerked me out of the story the most. Here, your wording was awkward and incorrect- I had to read this a couple of times to make sense of what you were saying.
You wanted to say something along the lines of "You may think I'm sly, but...", correct? Well, why don't you just word it this way instead of the way you did? Your sentence structure here is very confusing, and it doesn't make sense until the reader re-reads this. The example of how to word it would fit perfectly in with your next sentence:

However, when you are in love with someone, you will do everything you can to be by his side, and to get his undivided attention, isn’t it?

There are problems here as well. Firstly, the biggest and first thing I noticed was the 'isn't it?' at the end. It isn't supposed to be there. If you read the sentence out loud, you'd discover that with the 'isn't it' at the end, it doesn't make sense. When you have a however, you would normally use a 'right?', right? Plug that in instead of the 'isn't it' and you'll see the point I'm trying to make.
Secondly, comma usage. The comma before the 'and' is unnecessary and makes your sentence sound more draggy, thus creating a longer run-on that what was originally intended.
=
Apparently, the videos which Mdm Kim had filmed, included videos of her and vast emptiness.

Okay, two mistakes here. First and foremost, never, ever, EVER abbreviate something like Madam to Mdm when writing. It makes one think that the author is/was not serious in writing their story. Also, again with the comma usage- take out the comma after 'filmed'. See, if you write it like that, it means you're re-naming a noun, and if you take out the middle part, the first and last part would make sense together. In this case, that's not what you're doing.
=
The police believed that the ‘Tae Min’ was an imaginary being and thus would like any real kin of Madam Kim to contact them as soon as possible…”

Yet again, three mistakes here. First, there is no 'the' in front of Tae Min unless you specify that it was the TaeMin in her videos. There could me a million other TaeMins in the world.
Second, the word 'thus' has the same meaning as 'therefore'. "The police believed that the 'TaeMin' was an imaginary being and therefore would..."
Your wording here is confusing. Elaborate the point that because 'TaeMin' isn't a real person, ask her relative to contact the police.
Third, there is no 'like'. It doesn't make sense and it doesn't fit into your sentence. It shouldn't exist. That sentence isn't saying, "And thus, would, like, any real kin..." If it was, I'd understand, but it's not.
=
Jace sighed during the commercial break, “Poor Mdm Kim, may you rest in peace.” Jace then read through the news about Mdm Kim again, “If only she was able to let go of her pain…”

I mentioned this before in another section, but dialogue punctuation. The way you put it just doesn't make sense.

Jace sighed during the commercial break.

"Poor Madam Kim, may you rest in peace."

Wouldn't that sound better and less awkward than you putting the comma after 'break'? I also mentioned something about the abbreviation before. Please don't abbreviate in things/places like these; it really takes the reader's attention off of the story.
I haven't said this before, but I am also very big on repetition. Instead of using Jace's name twice, why don't you something like, "the news reporter", or another noun that names her other than her name?
===
You may have noticed that a lot of these examples were taken from the end of your story- that's because it was my favorite part of your fic, and therefore the part where I was most intrigued. Therefore, I'm more wary of the mistakes there than anywhere else. These aren't anything major, but please do be careful of them.

Characterisation: 7/10
I liked the way you portrayed the main character without revealing too much about her until the end- that was the neat thing about this fic. Also, good job with TaeMin's characterization- you completely put him into character, and he stuck to his personality through the end. I wouldn't mind a little expanding of their personalities, though, especially since this is a short story and not a oneshot. It gives the author more space to develop her characters.

Writing Style: 7/10
I liked your writing style because it was simple and understandable, but please do try to expand it a bit more. Throw in some big words, and definitely put in more details. You need them.

Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/5

Sub Total: 77.5/100

Bonus: 2/5
1. For the great ending
2. TAEMIN<3 =)

Total: 79.5/100

About the grammar section; I'd just like to say again that your grammar is fine. However, I'd also like to stress on the fact that I am very paranoid and picky when it comes to grading this section. That's all =) Keep writing and improving.