18 guys live with me by Sujusarang

Title: 18 guys live with me
Author: Sujusarang
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/sujusarang
Reviewer: Pararae @ http://thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com/


Title: 2/5
I won’t say your title is not interesting because if I running around winglin with happy, love feeling leaping inside me, I would say your title caught my attention. But your title is slightly common. 18 guys live with one girl and they fall in love with her, I think the title give away the concept too much. So try to use a better phrase or quote that reflects the story, but doesn’t spill the bean. Also, try to use a big word as a title. By using a wide range of vocabulary in the title give a different impression to the readers on how flexible the language you used.


First Impression: 7/10
I like your poster, it gives a good vibe to the story and seeing those 18 guys really hit the spot. Honestly, they are my favorite but those don’t matter anyway. I can see the quality of the pictures is not good, you should try to provide a better quality picture to the designer. And even though I like the poster, but the background set me off. Grey doesn’t fit with blue family. But having a blue background makes the story looks eye-blinding anyway, so try to find a better color to fit the background. And I can see a punctuation mistake on the poster. “Living with 18 guys..who would you fall for?”. Ellipsis (…) can only exist in a set of 3, not less.


Forewords: 4/10
Your forewords full with list of characters and a short teaser only. I wouldn’t call it complete then because you miss a basic detail such genre, length, and background. So try to write better next time and since I can’t show you how to write proper forewords, I think it’s better for you to see it for yourself. Try to search up the stories in winglin and see how most of the writers write their forewords, learn from them and try to make it better. I think you can get an idea how to write forewords properly.


Plot: 10/15
The plot is quite good, no awkward scene or jumpy action, but it could use more scene though. I notice that some of the chapters are very short while some are quite long, so try to uniform it. Writing a short chapter could impair your flow and characterization. Also, your plot move on a very basic term like; 18 guys live with one girl and they fall in love, they try their best to impress her while her ex-boyfriend who also one of the celebrities come back and confess his feeling for her and she found out that she has a deadly decease which can kill her. It’s not bad, but it could use more polishing. This kind of storyline really needs a few more scene or twisted action. Try to make a drama where most readers cannot guess, like a real mystery to give a spark to the story.


Creativity/Originality: 8/15
As I said, this plot is common. A girl loved by celebrities is common, but love story is quite overused nowadays anyway. I don’t see much creativity here because you use a basic concept of celebrity fall in love with fan. So try to add up more and since this is still an ongoing fiction, try to improve in the upcoming chapters. As for originality, even though you leave a cliff-hanger in a few chapters but it still predictable. I can guess what the half of the story is about with just a quick peak.


Flow: 6/10
The flow is quite fast. I mean, a guy fall in love with girl in an instant? I heard of love on first sight, but never would I guess it would be this quick. Try to buy times for each character to fall in love with her instead of loving her at once. As I said, try to extend the length of the chapters so more scene could be insert and valued. This way, the time frame won’t be out of lane.


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10

1. “Hongki..Hongki..wake up!

(Ellipsis can only appear in a set of 3.)


2. “I-I thought that …t-the fans were g-going to kidnap me!” He said as he panted. I gave him a comforting hug.

(You mistype this I think. You cannot leave a space between ellipsis and the word before it.)


3. “HAHAHA! You’re so cute. Come on now, you can sleep beside me if you want. It’s just 2AM, I bet the other Super Junior.

(I bet the other Super Junior…? I don’t think you finish writing this sentence. Correct me if I’m wrong)


4. the guys that share that(again with a divider.)

(You cannot joi9n the word ‘that’ and the bracket.)


5. On the room infont

(You misspelled in front.)


6. call me if the hurt you, arraso?

(You misspelled they.)


7. Choorin’s 16 y/o at that time

(Don’t use abbreviation.)


8. I said as tears continuously flow from my eyes.

(Flow supposed to be flowed because you write in past tense.)


9. HE can’t take it anymore; HIS tears flew out unstoppable as I left him standing on the rain.

(I don’t think it’s necessary to capitalize he and his. I think we got the point that it’s a male so stressing the word more than once is quite disturbing.)


10. Great Idea!

(Idea should be in small letter.)


11. “Ofcourse I love you more guys!”

(Of course should be separated.)


12. “Annyeong Hasaeyo, hyung”

(Haseyo shouldn’t be in capital even though it’s Korean and you miss punctuation mark at the end of the dialogue to end the sentence.)


13. When I watch Horror movies

(Horror shouldn’t be capitalized.)


14. Oh no. it’s too late,

(After period, you should capitalize the first letter, but in this case, do not chop your word. Correction: Oh no, it’s too late.)


15. My eyes wandered around the living room to see Choorin sleeping softly at the sofa. And another thing caught my eye.

(Period in front of ‘and’ is unneeded.)


16. and smile at me.

(Correction: and smiled at me.)


17. Jaejoong grabbed a pale

(Are you trying to write pail?)


18. And the die my father died.

(You misspelled ‘day’.)


Characterization: 7/10
There’s a lot of characters in your story and I don’t expect you to characterize them all completely because it would be a hard work to do, but do note that you need to characterize the main character and her pair. Ji Yong is important too because he is her ex and the readers would love to know why her brother doesn’t like him. That, I can’t figure it out until now. There must be a reason why her brother didn’t like Ji Yong. Is it because he is not rich? He’s not bright? Not good enough? Give the reason out so it would be less confusing.


Writing Style: 6/10
I’m not that fond of your writing style because it’s messy. It full of mistakes and you like to chop your words sometimes. You have problems with capitalization and a few minor mistakes, so try to spell check them after you write or you could do it manually because it would be better that way. Try to write a lengthy paragraph instead of chopping it with a few sentences only and try to use big words. Vocabulary could help you enhance your English skill so try harder next time.


Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I enjoy your story and I like Ki Bum’s character. He’s quite mysterious at first but when he opens up, he is quite a charmer too.


Sub Total: 58/100


Bonus: 2/5 I give you bonuses for…

1. Effort. I can see you put an effort into this story.

2. Because you dare to use a lot of characters. Most writers try to sum it up to what they can handle, like 3 or 4 only but you manage to use 18 or more of them at once. This is for your guts.


Total: 60/100