Timeless Duet - JaE_LoVe

Title: Timeless Duet
Author: JaE_LoVe
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/JaE_LoVe4/
Status: On-Going
Reviewer: Latienza @ i-DEAS


Title: 4/5
I liked your title very much because it really wasn’t common; therefore it gave me something else to ponder about. The thing I was YET to see was the ‘full’ connection of the story itself with the title. But since your story is still on-going, I’ll let it pass for now. Great job.


First Impression: 9/10
I had a really good first expression with this because it was well organized and the poster and background were great. The mood was there and it just matched the whole story theme. The text was easy to read and it didn’t blind me, so I had a great first impression.


Forewords: 8/10
I liked your forewords because you had your own type of thinking in there. But the thing I don’t really like seeing in the forewords are the character introductions. Personally, I don’t mind if you continue doing that, but usually when you don’t introduce, the readers receive more suspense. Stating the names of the characters are fine, but don’t give away too much of them just so the readers have a lot to look forward to. Besides this, it was fine.


Plot: 12/15
I found the plot interesting, but it was kind of all over the place; unorganized. At some points in the story, I would get lost and such, but it wasn’t such a big deal. Be sure that as you write, describe the surroundings more so the readers could get more of an imagination on the settings/where the event is taking place in. I found that your story was pure dialogue and the parts where you would describe certain scenes were tremendous, but I ask that you do that more often so the mood settles with the reader.


Creativity/Originality: 10/15
HMM, there were a lot of things I already read in other stories, but you managed to pull it off. I’m not really a fan of Xiah Junsu, (but I was kind of confused because in your forewords it said ‘KIM JUNSU’ so I didn’t know who it was. I think you meant XIAH Junsu because of your poster... but yeah) but you kept me reading not because I have to, but because I wanted to.


Flow: 7/10
The flow was a bit too fast. I don’t know. I think it could’ve been placed in a more steady pace, but nonetheless, you did a great job.


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
I’m really sorry for giving you a low mark, but this portion is just where I go crazy at. LOL. Let’s just say, this is my specialty? Fail, anyways... here are some things:

To others, your spelling, grammar, and vocabulary wouldn’t really be a big deal, but as I carefully looked into it, you had a lot of errors. There were countless mistakes you made but here are a few examples:

[She blushed as she softly her neck and lifted her hands to feed him. She happily watched him eat her cooked meal happily as she wiped sauce from the side of his lips with an affectionate expression.”]

You were missing words and it was kind of hard to determine what they were. Instead of this, your sentence should be edited as:

[She blushed as she softly tilted her neck, lifting her hands to feed him. She happily watched him eat the meal she had cooked as she wiped the sauce from the side of his lips with an affectionate expression.] Personally, I would suggest shortening this sentence or dividing the sentence because it had a bit too much events in only one sentence. Also, try not repeating the same words again in one sentence. If you really want to expand on your vocabulary, go to thesaurus.com or just read other fanfics and learn from their way of writing. That is, of course, if their language is good.

[As he finished the last bite and drank some water that she had offered him.]

Looking at this sentence, I could immediately tell the problem. This sentence is not structured properly. You had a few of these in your fanfic. This sentence is incomplete. This did not have a subject whatsoever. Usually, when you use ‘as’, it’s expanding a topic sentence, not starting a topic sentence. And this applies to you. Try to prevent this. I’ll give you an example for a proper sentence. [As he finished the last bite, he drank some water she had offered him]

[Realizing he was done, she slowly turned her neck and smiled at him, a smile which at that moment captured his heart.]

For this, your punctuation wasn’t used well. Personally, it doesn’t really matter, but in order to help you excel, I guess I’ll just point it out. I’m not really sure how to explain this, but this sentence would’ve been more of a use if it was sentenced as: [Realizing he was done, she slowly turned her neck and smiled at him; a smile which captured his heart at the moment.] I used the ‘;’ punctuation and flipped a bit of the sentence. I hope you can learn about the use of this on your free time, as it would benefit you.

[…making her forgot every bad feeling she got today and replace it with a happiness as she kissed the one man she truly loved.]

For this type of sentence, you didn’t have just one problem. Your spelling, grammar, and vocabulary play a big part in this. For grammar, this sentence was totally off. Your tenses were all over the place and it was just hard to comprehend. The English wasn’t working properly here. Let’s continue. For the spelling, it was affected because your grammar was off. It’s not a ‘wrong spelling’ but rather ‘wrong for the sentence’. Do you get what I mean? In the sentence, you used ‘forgot’ when it should be ‘forget’. So it works out. Moving on, your vocabulary was kind of twisted here. Here’s your edited sentence: [...making her forget every bad feeling she had gotten today, replacing it with happiness as she kissed the man she truly loved]

You had countless mistakes throughout all of your chapters. There were other mistakes, but these highlighted errors basically summarized everything you needed work with.


Characterisation: 7.5/10
I didn’t really make a big deal on the pairings or anything, but the fact that the characters were all over the place kind of distracted me from the story. Like for example when Junsu would have mood-swings, it would throw me off of the story balance. But nonetheless, everything was fine. Just make sure to portray the personalities of the characters in a more lengthened manner.


Writing Style: 8/10
You had your own style in writing; therefore, it didn’t really bother me.


Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Personally, I found your story really interesting. As you may have noticed, I gave it a 5. I love the lengthened chapters and everything else, though you still need some things to improve on. Good job & HWAITING!


Sub Total: 75.5/100


Bonus: 3/5
Sorry for taking me 8375923861 years to complete this request. Hope this will help you, and NOT discourage you. I’m strict, && I guess I’m really a snob, but I really hope this will help you out.


Total: 78.5/100
Thanks for requesting @ i-DEAS. If I have accidentally made any mistakes with the mark scorings, please contact me @ thrashing-ideas.blogspot.com before you make any changes. Thank you.