Author : baboracoon
Title : Within 8 Hours
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/baboracoon4/
Status : completed
Reviewer : Anna @ i-DEAS (ROL)
Warning : The reviewer may not know the author and vice versa. We are here to review your fan fiction as honest as we can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and harsh comments may appear in this, -directly or indirectly. But that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and critiques. Thank you.
Title : 3.5/5
Honestly speaking, the title didn't catch my attention at first. Maybe cause it wasn't that attractive or it was just plain simple. However, I do like how the title connects to the story, telling what was happening within that 8 hours. I like neat titles and formal titles and that excludes random capitalizing. I'm glad that you've changed the title and placed proper capitals.
First impression : 5/10
The reason why I only give half of the full mark is because I don't really favor the poster. I know you design it by yourself but all you did was add the title and change the whole hue and saturation. The poster is a little bit blurry and it wasn't that attractive. As you can see, you have other main characters such as Kang In and the fictional girl, not only DBSK but why aren't they in the poster? You should add Kang In and the girl too since they played a big role in this story. If your characters are too many to be squeezed in into a single poster, you can just include the three main characters: Kang In, The girl and Yoochun. That would be better.
Forewords : 4/10
I know your other reviewers said that your foreword is good, but being very observant and attentive, I solely think that your foreword is nothing but a bit of this and that pulled together. Your foreword has many grammatical mistakes and I think you should change that if you want to attract more readers. Readers like me would usually leave the fanfic if the foreword is less interesting and I am sure most of the readers don't like the type of foreword that you predisposed. Try to elaborate more but do keep it below the line. I know simplicity is sometimes the key, but being too simple won't give anything at all.
Plot : 13/15
I like your plotline cause it's different from the others and it reckoned me the originality of the story. I like how everything happened in just 8 hours and how everything changed after that. Nonetheless, I want you to improve on plot management because the way you plot your story is very awkward and perplexing. You don't know how to organize the events and the stemming.
Creativity/ Originality : 12/15
Interesting, but you can definitely do something better and out of the box. I was happy that this wasn't just the typical love story where the lover died from this and that. This actually made sense, BUT as far as I am concerned, your creativity didn't radiate and it made the whole thing sound arrant and interminable. You didn't let your characters explore more as it only happened inside the Choi Supermarket. You should try balancing the whole thing.
Flow : 7/10
I'm not too happy with the flow or the way you ended the story. I know you wanted to control the pace, but at some point it just got too tangled and inextricable. One example is when DBSK controlled the Choi Supermarket, it was so fast and easy for them to hold hostages. I think it was a little bit on the contrary. It was illogical how they can do this and that without concerning the law and rules. I know that this is just a fic, but it does affect the way people read it too. Other than that, you're set.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 4.5/10
You warned the readers that you are not so good with your English and I actually thought it was such a good thing. Some author won't admit how bad they write, but you did the right thing. However, that doesn't spare me from not doing this. After all, this is for you to improve right? I found a LOT of mistakes, whether it's in a form of grammatical error, wrong usage of vocabulary, spelling mistakes or even fragment errors. These mistakes bothered my reading since they were too many. I'm going to list the mistakes you have in your forewords.
Forewords-
1-What would you do if in your first day works, you sink into one big problem?
~What would you do if in your first day of work, you get into one big problem? (I know that 'get' is just an ordinary word, however 'sink' doesn't really suit the situation the girl was in. Saying that she sink into a big problem is a little bit awkward and unfinished.)
2-Big problem that could changed all of your life...
~A big problem that can change all your life... (Use 'can' instead of could and NO PAST TENSE after could/can/would/will/etc)
3-He made you couldn't breathe well...
~He made you breathless (Your sentence was off and too stiff.)
4-You were an ordinary girl: cheerful, active and hard-worker
~You were an ordinary girl: Cheerful, active and hardworking
5-he was one of group who did a robbery at your work place.
~He was one of the members of a group which robbed your working place.
6-You could not refuse to accept his charisma and either of him.
~(I don't get it, why would you want to accept his charisma? It's not like he's trying to give it to her. I know what you were trying to say, but that wasn't the best one you can make) You couldn't refuse his charisma and neither can you refuse him.
Frankly, you have a lot to change and learn. If you want to know your mistakes, you can personally email me and I'll help you out with it. ^^
Characterization : 7/10
Like I said before, some characters made improper moves and irrational actions. I didn't get it why Yoochun fell for her easily and it was just way too cliché if you say he fell in love with her eyes. It doesn't actually become an obsession when you see someone for the first time and fell for her eyes. You didn't play with the other characters well (aside from Yoochun and Kang In) and you didn't explain more about the rest.
Writing style : 6/10
I really don't like the way you write it into a 'you' story. Every time it was the reader's POV, it would have 'you' and 'you' and 'you' and they irritate me a lot. The other way you can change it is to let the readers have 1st POV so they can feel themselves inside the story, not imagining themselves in the story. Your writing is a little bit messy and you didn't give space when different people are talking. Also, you got some of the Korean words wrong. You put “Cooking fried egg and sausage for you, aegiya~” when actually the aegiya was supposed to be 'Chagiya'.
Overall enjoyment : 2/5
I enjoyed it cause it was new BUT there were a lot of factual errors and other writing mistakes, so they prevented me from enjoying the whole story.
Sub total : 64/100
Bonus : 2/5
For the hard work and for making the poster by yourself
Total : 66/100
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